A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.
The Mizard Of Odd
Chapter 74: Miz and the Wind
The seven of them walked quickly down the road, ducking into bushes when a car would pass. "Do you really think HHH is going to chase us down?" Miz panted. He'd had to drag Christian out of yet another bush. For some reason, Christian kept falling into them, even when there wasn't a car around. If Orton had been with them, Miz would have accused him to pushing Christian. Since he wasn't, Miz had no idea what kept happening.
"Don't you?" Punk asked, stopping at an intersection. He glared in both directions before he turned left.
"Are you sure that's the right way?" Miz asked.
"It's left. Orton never lets us go left," Punk said. "But he's not here, so we can go left."
"That doesn't mean we should go left."
"Help!" Christian yelled. "A shrub has got me!"
Miz sighed and went back to see if he could help Christian. "What happened this time?"
"I think it was the wind," said Christian.
"Of course it was." Miz pulled Christian out of the shrub, then fell back so he could keep an eye on the blind man. Sure enough, it wasn't long before the "wind" came along and shoved Christian into another bush. "Mark!" Miz said. "Why did you push Christian into that bush?"
Mark smiled innocently at Miz. "I'm helpful," he said.
"Not if you keep that up," Miz said.
"So it wasn't the wind?" Christian asked, struggling to right himself. Miz sighed and grabbed his arm, dragging him out of the bush. "It was Mark all along?"
"Yes," Miz said.
"I should have known," Christian muttered, "especially when he shoved me and said, 'I'm the wind! Whoosh!'"
Miz facepalmed. "Most people would have realized that it was Mark then, yes."
Mark smiled and said, "I'm helpful!" right before he rammed into Miz as hard as he could, sending the superstar flying into the nearest shrub.
"What the…?" Miz spluttered. "A little help here, someone?"
"I've got it," Christian said. He lunged into the street, narrowly avoiding being hit by a car.
"Rey!" JJ yelled. "Get back on the sidewalk! What are you doing?"
Mark, meanwhile, was watching Christian in traffic, his eyes narrowed thoughtfully. "Punk?" Miz called. "Punk!"
Punk trotted back to where Miz was in the shrub. "We don't have time for games," Punk said, annoyed. He dragged Christian out of the street, then grabbed Miz's arm and helped to pull him away from the shrub.
"Those things could suck out your soul," Miz commented.
"My soul?" Christian asked with a frown. "Did the bushes steal it? Guiys, help me look for it. I can't see anything without my glasses!"
"Your soul is fine," Miz said.
Punk turned to Miz. "Don't lie to the man, Miz. Christian, your soul is NOT fine. It needs for you to accept straightedge into your life immediately."
"I'm being serious, Punk!" Christian said. "I'm not talking about your fake Pepsi religion, I'm talking about my actual, immortal soul!"
Punk stared in horror at Christian. "You… you heathen! I can't believe I actually helped you out of the street! How dare you! How dare you even suggest that the Pepsi isn't holy and I'm not Jesus and my religion isn't valid!"
"Uh, guys?" Jeff said, trying to get their attention.
"Of all the nerve!" Punk said.
"It's not real!" Christian taunted the straightedge superstar. "And Pepsi sucks. I'd much rather have a Sprite, thanks."
By now, Punk's face was red. "Blasphemy! Evil incarnate!"
"Guys," Jeff tried again.
"Guys!" Matt said happily, holding his brother's hand.
"If you'd just accept Pepsi into your life and let me baptize you…"
"Oh, Punk," Miz groaned. "Now isn't the time for that. Besides, we don't have any Pepsi handy."
"No way would I let you near me with a can of anything!" Christian shouted.
"Guys!" Jeff yelled, finally getting the attention of the others.
"What?" Punk snapped, turning to see what Jeff was looking at.
"There's a car over there, and someone is flagging us down."
"Oh, for pity's sake," Punk muttered. "You interrupted our talk about holy Pepsi and religion to tell us someone is waving at us?" He gritted his teeth and waved back before turning to Christian again. "That's nice and all, but this is important."
Mark, who had been quiet throughout the debate, sidled up to Christian, who was still yelling. "And furthermore," the Canadian was saying, "Pepsi isn't even good! At best, it's neutral!"
"I'm helpful," Mark muttered to himself. The others ignored him.
"Neutral!" Punk shrieked, completely incensed. "How can you even suggest something so completely ridiculous! Pepsi is so good that it comes out of the soda fountain blessed with healing properties! It's like that water in that place in France! I've been there, by the way, and it's actually clear Pepsi that's coming up from the ground!"
"That crystal Pepsi was nasty stuff," Christian remarked to a lamp post. "Very gross."
"It was not!" Punk screamed. "There's no such thing as bad Pepsi!"
"Maybe we ought to go see what that person wants, Jeff," Jeff said to Matt. He pulled his brother along without so much as a backward glance at the argument behind him.
"I'm helpful," Mark said again, louder this time.
"Uh," Miz said. "Mark…"
That was as far as he got before Mark Henry smiled and shoved Christian as hard as he could into the lane of oncoming traffic.