ALRIGHT! THREE NEW CHAPTERS (I'll post them with a little time in between to space it out). WHICH UNFORTUNATELY MEANS...I may not update for a while. Sorry. All these plans that I'm working on, I have to grow up, I have to be an adult, yadda yadda yadda, I'm a terrible person, I'm sorry, I love you all. You know I love you all. That's why I keep torturing you!

So the date they go on...you can thank the lovely Livi for the idea. She's amazing, she's my rock, my star, my writing consultant. She said "observatory" and I was like "omfg that's perfect because it's so cheesy (Steve) but it also relates to Loki." ANYWAYS...it's gonna be painful. I know. I wrote them. But hang on and take a deep breath and hopefully I'll be able to update again soon.

Pinkie swear ;)

Disclaimer: Does not own Marvel Universe

Warning: Ehh some sexiness and probs language

Comments/critiques are welcomed!

Loki's heart was heavy. He felt exhausted. If it wasn't from fighting with Steve it was from keeping up the visage that nothing was wrong. From Thor, Frigga, Darcy—even Steve, right now. It wasn't just the fight. They fought all the time and maybe that was the issue. Fighting Loki could handle. Sort of. He didn't like Steve being angry at him but Steve wasn't angry at him anymore. He'd told him he wasn't angry. He'd messaged him how many times last night? This morning?

He didn't know how to explain what he was feeling right now. Not even to himself. It was just this…overwhelming sense of instability.

"Don't you have…you know," Logan stares down at him. "Other classes you need to be in?" Loki looks up from his reading and shrugs, looking back down at his book. Logan shrugs back at him. "Alright well…I'm goin' to lunch."

Loki ignores him and keeps his seat in the corner. He wasn't sure why he hadn't read Victor Hugo yet but he was considered a writer of classics. He'd chosen the one on Notre Dame of course…Les Mis would have to wait. Loki couldn't hold that one in one hand. Besides he'd always found the musical so dreary. Whatever Hugo had to say for that long about human morality and the French Revolution could wait. There were plenty of other equally good books about both, Loki was sure of that.

Steve normally would've hounded him by now. Demanding that they talk it out, desperate to make things better. Loki was almost worried he wasn't going to except he'd been texting him non-stop. He'd been answering a few but not many.

It felt like he didn't know what to do. Loki didn't want to hurt Steve's feelings but he didn't want to lose Steve but he also didn't want this to go any further than it needed to. He was confused. He felt lost. And this wasn't exactly something he knew how to handle like a normal person. Darcy made him watch some of the rom com and sitcom garbage on TV but he was pretty sure most normal people didn't act like they did.

His phone buzzes.

DARCY: Where r u 10:06 pm
DARCY: Look i'm sorry about the party 12:14 pm
LOKI: I'm not mad at you 12:15 pm

He wasn't mad at Darcy. She didn't know it would make him uncomfortable. Well…she should've known bringing up specifics would—not that he had a boyfriend. It was bad timing on her part.

DARCY: The mad ? 12:18 pm

Anger seemed to be the only emotion Loki was capable of feeling. Why was that? Everyone always asked him why he was mad. Was he not capable of feeling just upset? Not well? Though for a while that was all he ever felt—anger. Darcy helped that a little when they first met…but then it felt like things got worse. Now Steve was helping him feel better than ever so…what did that mean for them?

"I thought I'd find you in here…"

Loki looks up from his reading. Steve rubs his arm and walks back towards him in his corner. He gives him a small smile when he approaches, Steve slightly surprised but a little less anxious. Loki hums when Steve kisses him and straddles the seat next to his, turning it to face him. He leans his arms on the back and sighs.

"So…" he clears his throat. "What are you reading?"

"Victor Hugo." Loki turns the cover of his book to Steve and he nods, smiling lightly. "And before you ask…no, I find his writing incredibly dull. However the story isn't terrible."

"So I guess the Disney version doesn't do much for you?"

He smiles at Steve's jest. "Actually, I find it rather dark in a light and romantic sort of way. Les Misérables however just seems dreary no matter what."

"Not a fan of the French?" Steve laughs.

"Hmm. They're very whiny with their history, don't you think? Then again so are Americans."

"Yeah," he grins. "I suppose that's true." They hesitate and turn from one another, Loki chewing his lip anxiously. At least he hadn't come in apologies blazing. He catches Steve's eye and smiles, looking away again. They link hands when Steve reaches out for his. Steve opens his mouth to speak and Loki shakes his head.

"Please…don't apologize…" he forces a smile. "You'll only make me feel worse and you'd be wasting breath. I have no reason to be angry with you."

Steve runs his thumb over Loki's knuckles. "You have a right to be though…"

"Steve-"

"You do," he sighs. "I was an ass-"

"But so was I," Loki closes his eyes and sets his book down. "I didn't listen to what you had to say and what you wanted and I lashed out-"

Steve takes Loki's face in his hands and runs his thumb over his cheek making him smile. Loki smiles and flushes, trying to turn away but Steve keeps him facing him. He lowers his eyes shyly instead. "No, don't look away. Your eyes are so gorgeous…" Loki clicks his tongue and laughs. "They are." He looks up at him and his heart pounds in his chest. The way Steve looked at him made him so anxious but—in a good way. "I've never seen them so green."

Loki scoffs and pushes his hands away, grinning. "Now you're being stupid."

"I have to draw them in this light." Steve digs through his bag and Loki laughs, holding up his book to hide his face. "No, don't hide, I almost have it, I'll be quick!"

"No, no more drawing me! You have enough drawings of me!"

"There will never be enough drawings of you, you're too gorgeous-"

"Steve-" Loki makes a face and sighs, turning away. Steve looks up at him. "No, I'm not, so just stop." He sets his bag aside and sighs, taking Loki's hand in both of his. Steve's thumbs run over the skin and knuckles, tracing the pale blue veins just beneath and the way his tendons relaxed and pulled as he moves his hand.

He kisses it gently and smiles. "You know…that easel you got me works really well. It's a little cramped in my room right now but it works. And it looks amazing."

"I'm glad you like it…"

Steve bites his lip, giving Loki's hand a squeeze. "I know you don't want me to apologize…" Loki glances at him. "But it's not something I can't do. I'm sorry for the way I acted and I'm sorry for trying to push you into something without even bringing it up first." Steve sighs and kneads his thumbs gently into Loki's hand. "It's—weird for me…having you and not being able to just—do what I want with you." Steve makes a face. "That didn't come out right…"

Loki smiles. "I knew what you meant."

"Good…" Steve laughs lightly. "Thor asks me to double date. Bucky asks me to double date—err. Technically he asks if he can third wheel…but still. My friends know I have this person but they don't know it's you." He hesitates and sighs. "I know you're worried about what they'll say—and about how Thor will react—and I know what we think about that situation is different. It's hard for me to imagine my friends lashing out at you…but I know how paranoid you feel about it. I want to still talk about this but not right now, okay? We can wait. I just want to know how you're feeling…I know how upset I made you but...I feel like something else is wrong."

His voice gets caught in his throat. Loki wanted to start screaming how he felt at him. He wanted to ask if their relationship was doomed and then beg him to stay whatever the answer was. But he couldn't. He didn't want Steve to see him like that. It was hard enough watching how much he wanted to show Loki off like he was one of his beautiful drawings and having to tell him no. No, he wasn't ready.

"It's just that—I'm sorry too," Loki forces smiles, leaning forward to peck Steve's lips. "I wasn't in the mood for the party and I was just a little overwhelmed, that's all. Then we got mad at each other and—it wasn't something I wanted to happen."

Steve watches him for a moment. Loki's voice was a little shaky and his stomach was queasy and he wasn't sure how convincing his lie had been. He smiles and gives Loki's hand a squeeze. "Alright, babe, I just wanted to make sure…you know you can tell me if something's wrong, right?" Loki nods. "Good." Steve beams at him, shifting his chair closer to tease Loki's hair. His fingers brush over his ear and Loki hums, closing his eyes. "Wanna get out of here?"

Loki opens them again and blinks, raising a brow to him.

"Where are you taking me?"

Steve grins as he leads Loki through the parking lot, their hands securely linked together. He'd blindfolded him to keep it a surprise but of course Loki was grumping about it. Though he was very surprised already by Steve's suggestion at taking the rest of the day off—not that Loki was in class anyways—but Steve had thought of an idea for a date and couldn't help taking the opportunity.

"Will you quit your complaining?" Steve laughs, tugging on him to keep walking. "You'll like it, I promise." Lucky for him the place was practically empty.

"I'm complain as much as I want…" Loki mumbles, Steve smiling.

He leads him inside and keeps a firm grip on his hand, making sure Loki's aware of the stares and the banister to hold on his left as he leads him. Loki grumbles to himself about the stairs and stumbles a few times but Steve keeps his hold on his arm.

"Alright, no more stairs, I promise."

"Tackar gudarna."

Steve grins. "You're sexy when you speak Swedish."

"I'll forget that comment simply due to the fact that you knew which language that was," Loki replies blandly with a frown. He sniffs the air as Steve leads him across the carpeted floor and his frown deepens. "Are we at the movies? I smell popcorn. If it's the movies I'm gagging you with this blindfold."

The man at the snack bar smirks and gives Steve a look. "Ohhh, kinky."

"Hey, Sam," Steve smiles. He motions to Loki—who was still scowling at him—and shrugs. "It's not as weird as it looks. I didn't want to spoil the surprise."

"The surprise being that you want the place to yourself, right? I feel like you talked to me about that." Sam looks at the two of them and chuckles. "Of course…clean up is gonna cost you extra if you're catching my drift."

Steve blushes a deep shade of red but Loki answers before he gets the chance. "If Rogers tries anything the only thing you'll have to worry about cleaning up is his blood."

"Ohh he's a keeper, I like this one."

Sam and Steve had met at one of the military seminars aimed at high school students when Steve was a freshmen and Sam was a senior. He was planning on the Air Force but for now he was getting a few courses out of the way at the community college. Sam worked a lot of strange odds-and-ends jobs, this one being at the Air and Space Center. When Steve was talking to him about Loki one day Sam brought up the new exhibit they were putting in and he knew Loki would love it.

At least he hoped.

Sam of course couldn't just give them the exhibit no extra charge but Steve was happy to pay a little extra to book the room as a "party." And his intentions were innocent. For the most part.

"Alright, so it looks like you're all set, my man." Steve hands him the money and Sam nods, fingering through it. "I also got that track list set up for you too."

"Thanks, Sam, I really appreciate it."

"Ya'll want something to eat?" He motions towards the food, Loki turning his head slightly—irritated by the blindfold. "It's on me since you had to pay party price. I'm sure I owe you for something."

Steve glances at Loki and smiles, sighing. "I suppose I owe him. He's not exactly happy with me right now."

"Hmmm. You're so very observant, Steven," Loki replies blandly. "Now either you take this thing off me or I take it off myself and leave you here to enjoy this so called romantic date with this other gentlemen."

"You're so impatient, baby," Steve teases, pinching his butt. Loki swats at him…or at least near him. "Do you want something to eat? I know the blindfold is bothering you, I'm sorry…" He buries his face into Loki's neck. He mumbles against his skin and Loki sighs. "I'm just trying to be romantic."

Loki sighs and crosses his arms, nudging him with his head. "Just get me a popcorn." Sam quickly gets their food as Steve kisses Loki's cheek, Loki pushing at him to get away. He smiles though when Steve nibbles his jaw. "Steve, no, hurry up so I can see my surprise!"

"Okay, okay…" Steve grins bashfully at Sam who gives him a look, taking their popcorn from him. "Thanks again, Sammy."

Sam smirks. "Have fun, you two. Nice meeting you by the way."

Steve takes Loki's hand and smiles when Loki places his other hand on his arm. He leads them through the double doors and into a small, dark auditorium, Loki humming as Steve walks them down the aisle towards the middle of the rows of seats. Loki clings to Steve's arm as they shift awkwardly to side step through the row to the center. Steve carefully sets the popcorn down and helps Loki into his seat.

He runs his thumb over Loki's knuckles and sighs. His skin was so pale. Especially now that it was winter…Loki's skin seemed to get paler and paler as the snow and ice built up outside. He had such long slender features though…his fingers, his arms, his legs, even his neck. It was funny actually Steve never thought about how tall Loki was. Watching him being bullied made him seem smaller somehow when really Loki was just as tall as Steve. Probably better that way having Thor as a big brother.

Steve runs his hand over Loki's hair and frowns. He knew something was wrong. It wasn't just Natasha and it wasn't about their fight. Their fight was stupid and petty and Steve wasn't even sure why he'd insisted. Maybe Natasha had gotten in his head. He didn't know, he just—Loki was so gorgeous. He meant it every time he said it and maybe he thought Loki would realize it too if he could show him off. If he could somehow prove that Loki didn't have to look at him so doubtfully. Something was wrong, Steve could sense it. Something had been wrong since their fight about Natasha and while things seemed okay it felt like Loki talking to Amora had just made him feel worse. Steve wasn't stupid and he wasn't ignorant and Loki wasn't as allusive with his emotions as he thought he was.

"What are you doing?" Loki laughs lightly. Steve blinks. He hadn't realized he'd been tracing over the lines of his face with his fingers as well as his eyes. "Can I take my blindfold off now?"

He smiles, pecking Loki's lips. The speakers on the walls start to crackle and the room begins to light up, Steve looking around. He'd been thinking of ways to make up for the grocery store all week and this had been an idea he'd stored away for a while. Making this up to Loki seemed like the perfect opportunity.

"Okay…you can take it off now."

Loki pulls the piece of fabric off and blinks at the sudden change, attempting to take in his surroundings. He opens his mouth to speak and closes it when the music starts up. The lights in the ceiling start to change as the music plays and Loki's eyes light up. Loki stares up at the lights and lets out a small noise, lights all over the room starting to join in as the music picked up tempo. His hand grips Steve's just a little bit tighter.

A grin spreads across his face when the lyrics start in.

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you and everything you do, yeah they were all yellow…

"I listen to this song a lot…" Loki turns to him, Steve smiling. "How did you—did you steal my iPod?"

Steve laughs, shaking his head. "No, no, I asked Thor what kind of CD's you had in your room…the only redeeming quality in your music choice being The Killers, by the way." Loki punches his arm playfully and gives him a look, staring back up at the ceiling. Steve's heart gives a little throb. He'd expected Loki to be pleased but he didn't expect his eyes to light up the way they were. "You—you like it?"

"Y-yes," he sighs, a soft smile playing at his lips. "It's beautiful." Loki scoots as close as he can in his seat to rest his head on Steve's shoulder. He rests his own head on top of his. They sit comfortably as the music plays, the—what Steve assumed to be constellations—blinking on and off with the tempo. "I can't imagine you have interest in any of this."

"Well, I don't have to be interested in it, babe," Steve chuckles, giving his hand a squeeze. "I knew you'd love this—at least I hoped you would." Loki seems to smile and sighs in response, Steve pressing his nose into his hair. He smiles. "Do you know what each of these are? The constellations and stuff?"

Loki chuckles. "Yes."

"Okay, then…" Steve waits for one to light up, pointing it out. "What's that one?"

"Rogers, that's the Milky Way."

"Well, I'm sorry, I'm not exactly an expert," he teases, pinching him. "You're the nerd."

"Well, I'm sorry that I have to be a nerd to know that the Milky Way is the largest celestial being one can see at night." Loki gives him a smug look and settles his head back on Steve's shoulder.

He points at another and he smiles. "What's that red one?"

"That's Betelgeuse."

Steve stifles a laugh. "If I say its name three times will it appear in the sky?"

"No," Loki grins. "But it is the ninth brightest star in the sky."

"What about that one?"

"Ursa Major."

"And is that one Ursa Minor?"

"No, that's Orion. Ursa Minor is over there."

"Okay, okay, which one is the north star?"

"Polaris?"

"Yeah, that's—part of Orion, right?"

"No," Loki chuckles. "That's Betelgeuse."

"Then where's Polaris?"

"It's on the tip of Ursa Minor, over there."

Steve points up towards the constellations as they light up. "It's that one there, right?"

"No," Loki laughs this time, burying his face into Steve's neck. "That's Orion!" He bites his lip to keep from laughing and sits up, taking Steve's hand and pointing for him when it lights up. "That's Ursa Minor. Also known as the Little Dipper. And that star right on the tip there—that's Polaris—the North Star." He draws his hand away to look at Steve. "See it?"

His brow wrinkles and he frowns, shaking his head. "I suck at this. All I see are little dots. And I know most of these are even emphasized."

Loki smiles and kisses his cheek. "Well…at least you tried. Maybe during the summer we can go to New Mexico with Darcy. She has the best view from her house, they live out in the desert and all you can see is stars for miles and miles and-" Steve blinks when Loki catches himself. "I—I suppose I'm getting a little carried away…"

That glimmer that had been in his eyes starts to fade. Steve takes his face in his hands and smiles. "No, I'd love that. Camping out under the stars—of course…hoping Darcy isn't still too mad at us."

His smile seems sad, but he still smiles, staring deeply into Steve's face as he brushes his thumbs over Loki's cheekbones. The song changes—another that makes Loki's face light up—and he lets out a soft little breath, Loki placing his hand over Steve's. "You didn't have to do all this for me…"

"Of course I didn't," Steve replies firmly. He places his forehead against his and Loki blushes. "I wanted to. You know I don't know how else to say that you mean a lot to me."

Loki bites his lips and watches him, his hand clenching and unclenching on the arm of the seat. The look in his eye made Steve's insides squirm and his blood run hot. All that confidence in his posture and yet his gaze was shyly asking for a kiss, wondering if it was okay. Such a sultry look for someone who wasn't quite ready to shy past hot and heavy petting.

Their lips meet and Steve's hands fly to Loki, pulling him as close as he can with the arm rest between them. His fingers dig into Loki's hair as his other hand rests on the back of his neck to keep Loki's head in place as he kisses him desperately. Loki's hands rest on Steve's chest, his fingers kneading into his shirt and pulling him closer. Steve shudders when Loki opens his mouth and runs his tongue over Steve's lips. Their tongues brush together, Loki's hands instantly going to Steve's hair as he tilts his head for him, Steve running his own hands over Loki's sides. His fingers hook into the belt loops of Loki's jeans and Loki turns himself for Steve's hands to have better access to his hips.

Steve makes a low noise in his chest when Loki bites down on his bottom lip and sucks. Steve's fingers dig into Loki's ass as he hoists him up to rest his hip on the arm rest, Loki's lips wandering away from his to kiss down his jaw, latching onto the vein in his neck as his teeth bite down, a sudden rush of heat and blood surging through him.

If they weren't in a public place Steve would've considered pushing boundaries. Actually he was already considering it. Loki's tongue was doing marvelous things to the marks he'd left on his neck and the soft spot under his ear. He'd been wanting him for so long now. But of course now he knew he had to take things to Loki's speed, much to his own body's displeasure. They'd talk about it again, sure, but for now Steve just had to imagine.

Imagine—as Loki's lips find their way back to his—how cool the rest of his skin would feel against his fingertips. How his long slender legs would press and wrap around his hips, the shortness of his breath, and the heated feel of his naked chest against his as the blood pounds through his fluttering heart.

But Loki may never open up to him like that.

Steve opens his eyes when Loki's breath stifles in his throat, something wet brushing against his cheek. He pulls away with a furrowed brow as Loki lets out a small sob and wipes at his eyes, trying to duck and hide his face. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…I d-don't mean to cry, it's so rude of me…" He laughs dryly.

"No, baby, it's—why are you upset? Did I do something wrong?"

Loki looks up at him, tears still flooding the corners of his eyes, his bottom lip trembling. "O-of c-course not. Y-you…it's not you, I-I just-" Loki sniffles and wipes his eyes. "N-no one's e-e-ever…this is the n-nicest th-thing anyone's ever d-done for me…"

He covers his face with his hands and Steve takes his shoulders gently, pulling him closer. It wasn't just that Loki was paranoid about him…Loki was paranoid about everyone. Even when it came to Darcy—it wasn't that he didn't trust her it was that he didn't trust her completely. It was that he knew he was going to disappoint her. There was something he'd wanted and he was too afraid to ask what she'd think. Loki was afraid. He was afraid of himself, he was afraid of what other people thought, no matter what kind of façade he put up Loki didn't want others to judge him. He was tired of being judged, Steve could sense that.

Steve wasn't so sure that was all of it though. There was still something else Loki wasn't telling him but pushing him wasn't going to help anything. He wipes Loki's tears away and kisses his face and runs his hand over his hair. People weren't letting him forget who he'd been before and now Loki couldn't forget either. Steve just wasn't sure how he was going to convince him that all that didn't matter anymore. He had to keep moving forward.

"You like it though? Coming here and…I know it's a little cheesy. You like it?" Loki lets out a small laugh and hiccups, nodding. Steve's smile widens into a grin. "You do? I was so worried that you wouldn't…"

"Y-yes, of course…I love it."

"You deserve it, you know. All of it. Any minute of any day that I can make you happy or feel like you deserve it. Because you do." Loki sniffles and wipes his eyes, Steve brushing his hand over his. "I think that's why I wanted to come out to everyone so suddenly…because I just want to make you feel however I do that makes you illuminate like this. Sometimes I just get so proud that I seem to be the only one who can do it." He kisses Loki again and they both let out a little sigh, Loki's arms wrapping around his neck as he presses himself as close to Steve as he can. Their lips part and Steve smiles softly, kissing across his face.

Steve drove him home and Loki didn't want him to leave. He knew the moment he did he'd be filled with the same crippling anxious feeling he'd had all week.

And he was right.

He felt sick and tense the rest of the evening. Nothing felt right. Everything in his head was screaming at him and he felt like he was going to fall apart. Like everything was slowly tipping over and Loki was desperately trying to hold on.

Steve was too perfect for him. He was the one who apologized. He was the one who made up for their fights. He was the one that took the blame. And the one time he tells Loki he couldn't always be at fault he instantly takes it back. The one time that—yes, Steve was partially at fault—and—yes, Steve did push the matter too far—was of course the millionth time he took the blame.

He sobs and looks up from his seat on the floor to watch the constellations being projected from the planetarium Steve had given him.

Loki constantly felt like this cursed dirty muddied thing and Steve constantly found ways to put him on a pedestal like he was some kind of prize. Loki was no prize. He knew he was no prize. Why did Steve insist on making him feel so wonderful about…himself?

That was what scared him the most. When they came out to everyone…Steve wouldn't look at him like a prize anymore. But Loki didn't know how to explain that to him. He felt so lost and confused it was frustrating.

They were right though, weren't they? Steve had so much potential that Loki was just going to ruin. He was just going to drag him down. It didn't matter what their paths may hold in the future, Loki had a way of twisting them despite his intentions. But Steve made him…happy. He made him feel liked. Loki didn't want to lose that.

Loki digs out the items Frigga hadn't found stuffed under his mattress and sits back to look at them. He'd already taken more medication than prescribed but it gave him a buzz that he was trying to enjoy. Loki picks up the razor blade and fiddles it between his fingers, sniffling and wiping his nose with his hand. He pricks the tip of his finger and frowns, not satisfied with the results. Loki chews his lip anxiously and looks over his arms.

He just needed to see the color.