Ugh...I guess it's fair to say that I cried writing these next two. Not much else to say about them I suppose. I'm also very tired, so I don't have a lot to say. Ahahahaha. Still. When I cry writing or if you cry while reading I probably cried while writing at some point. Maybe it's just me, I dunno.
Ahhhh Natasha in this chapter...she's a little hard to explain without spoiling anything. She isn't really trying to hurt Loki...she just doesn't want him with Steve. But I digress... I love Natasha. I can't help it. She's played by ScarJo, she's a sexy Russian red, and she can hold her own. What else is there to say?
Disclaimer: Does not own Marvel Universe
Warning: Suicide mention, language
Comments/critiques are welcomed!
Steve scans the halls and frowns. He'd waited in the parking lot for Loki but when Thor pulled in he got out alone. Loki hadn't answered any of his calls since their date and he was starting to worry. He'd gotten a text from him saying that he'd been sick and that he'd talk to him in school. It was time for school but there was no Loki. Steve continues looking around, some of his friends waving at him. He feels somebody tug on his backpack and then flick his arm as he turns his head. Darcy skips past him and laughs, sticking out her tongue.
"Hey, wait, Darcy-" She stops, raising a brow with a smile. "Did you drive Loki today?"
Darcy shakes her head. "Nah, I called and he bitched at me that he was sick." She shrugs and skips away, slapping Peter Parker on the butt as she passes him. Steve rolls his eyes.
If Loki was still sick why didn't he call? Maybe he was avoiding him… Steve hoped that wasn't the case. Their date ended so—Steve bites his lip so he doesn't grin. Well, it ended well for him.
Still…something just felt—wrong. Loki had gotten so upset about Steve wanting for them to come out and then he was so sensitive during their date…there was something bothering him but Steve was worried that pushing would just make Loki mad. He was still working towards Loki being able to tell him when something was wrong.
"I'm sorry that I came off as aggressively as I did."
Steve blinks, raising a brow as he looks down at Natasha, who'd come out of nowhere. She glances up at him and back down at the floor. She didn't apologize for anything. Ever. Not even for things she was caught instigating.
"You know I'm just trying to look out for you…right?" she sighs, keeping up with him. "Laufeyson hasn't exactly been gold star material and I worry because I don't want you getting hurt or ending up with someone like your-" Natasha bites her lip, Steve giving her a look. "Sorry…I didn't mean that."
He sighs, stopping in front of her locker. "I get that you worry about me but it doesn't mean you can just—butt in whenever you want, Natasha." Steve glares at her. "And Loki is nothing like my mother."
"I know, I know, that was stupid, okay? Just-" she bites her lip when Steve glances towards his locker and frowns. "Forget I said it. I am sorry though. You and Loki—that's your business, alright? And you had every right to be mad at me…and you don't have to worry about me telling anyone because I'm not."
Whatever this was…Steve could tell she was being sincere. He was sure she had her reasons but Steve always found it best never to question her. Natasha was—from another world. But he wasn't exactly in the mood to deal with her being cryptic and apologetic.
Steve places a hand on her shoulder and smiles. "Thanks, Natasha. I appreciate it." He laughs dryly and looks around. "If I only I could convince Loki you meant it…"
A shadow looms over them, Steve looking up at Thor with a smile, Natasha turning away. Thor smiles briefly at them both and clears his throat. Steve cocks his head slightly. The big guy seemed down. Which was saying a lot since Thor usually only got depressed over food.
"Hey, Natasha, Steve… Steve, could I-" he hesitates when Jane appears and touches his arm. "Oh, hey, baby." Thor gives her a smile and leans down to whisper in her ear. Steve and Natasha share a look. Jane's eyes widen slightly as she glances at Steve and back at Thor. She gives him a nod and waves at everyone, walking back towards her locker. Thor clears his throat. "Steve, could I talk to you? Alone?" His eyes flicker briefly to Natasha.
"Yeah, Thor, sure."
He shrugs at Natasha and motions for Thor to follow. "See you later, Nat."
"Wait, Steve-"
Thor shuffles glumly behind him as Steve leads him towards the art rooms. Mr. Logan didn't usually take early classes due to his rather active nightlife. Steve's pleased to find the room empty and motions for Thor to come inside, closing the door behind them.
Steve frowns.
He looked absolutely awful. It wasn't like Thor to come into school without looking his best but this was a whole new level for him. He hadn't shaven, his hair was tied back, and his clothes looked as if he'd just thrown them on without caring what they were. A t-shirt and jeans? No flannel? His eyes were sunken and they had that mopey puppy quality to them when something was bothering him.
"You uhh…" Steve wasn't sure how to word this question. "You feeling okay, big guy?"
Thor pouts his lip, scratching his stubble. "Steve—you're my best friend, right?"
"Come on, Thor, you know I am."
"I just—I don't really know who to talk to. I feel like I can tell you anything."
Steve raises a brow. Thor didn't exactly give off the whole 'in-touch-with-his-feelings' vibe. When it came to Thor needing to express himself this was a first for Steve.
"Thor, I love you, but I don't think Jane will like you confessing your homoerotic feelings for me."
He chuckles. "No, no, that's not until prom." Thor's head falls, staring down at his shoes as he twiddles his thumbs. He clears his throat. "This is—about Loki."
Oh, God. Steve was going to throw up. This was it. Thor was going to kill him. Isolated room, sending Jane away, the mopey look—he was already mourning the fact that he and Steve had been friends for so long. Now this. Steve had betrayed his trust. He should just start begging now. Maybe Thor would take pity. He'd seen him in fights before. Thor hated when they started whining at them. Of course then he usually just punched their teeth in.
"O-oh?"
Thor nods solemnly. "He was in the hospital this weekend…"
Steve rewinds his thoughts. Hospital? Loki didn't say anything about a hospital. Did he not want Steve to worry? Is that why he wasn't in school now? He thinks back to their date. Loki did seem a little sick…but Darcy hadn't seemed concerned. Maybe he didn't tell her either. Why? Why? Why did Loki do this? Why did he insist things were fine when they were far from it?
"H-hospital?" Steve keeps his tone level, biting his lip. "He told me he was sick was he—is he really that sick? Is he still there now, I mean, is he okay?"
"He's home now, but—he wasn't sick. Not technically I guess…"
"Okay, okay…" Steve takes a deep breath. He was supposed to be here for Thor right now. "Tell me what's going on. What happened?"
Natasha pushes open the double doors and strides confidently into the school, holding her head high. The other students stare at her, Natasha obviously sticking out from her lack of uniform and dark red hair. She'd skipped two classes for this so the bitch she was looking for had better be in today. They whisper about her as she walks by, smirking at some of the rumors. Most were just repeating the name 'Red Russian.' It was a nickname that went around the other schools usually and one that stuck once that female prison show came out. She liked it. It made here feel like she was some kind of gang leader.
She eyes the hallway like a shark, some of the younger students giggling and hiding their faces. A familiar ditzy laugh rings in Natasha's ears and she follows it to a group of guys all huddled around the girl in the middle. The girl tosses her auburn hair over her shoulder and laughs obnoxiously as one of the guys tells her what was sure to be a riveting story he'd made up on the spot. Natasha snaps her fingers to get the group's attention and motions for them to disperse, grabbing the girl by the collar of her uniform and pulling her forward.
"Where's your sister?" Natasha snarls at her.
Lorelei's face pales, her laugh quickly dying away. She points feebly down the hall and struggles when Natasha drags her with her. "W-wait!" she stammers. "Natasha, right? Look whatever it is can it wait? Amora don't like being bothered during school-"
"It can't."
Natasha shoves Lorelei away into a group of on-looking girls as she grabs her real target and spins her around. Amora raises a brow at her, opening her mouth to speak, Natasha slapping her across the face before she gets a chance. Everyone around them gasps, Lorelei squealing and burying her face into one of her friends. Amora blinks, Natasha taking pride in the fact that she'd managed to shock her, Amora's lip curling into a sneer before she forces a smile.
"Why, Romanoff, I do believe that was a little uncalled for."
"No…" Natasha sneers. "This was." She slaps her again and the crowd that was starting to form instantly takes a step back from them. Amora glares at her this time, Natasha raising a finger to her face. "Laufeyson being in the hospital was never supposed to happen."
Amora scoffs and rolls her eyes. "Please, tell me you came with something more promising than that."
"I never said pushing Loki over the edge was something I wanted," she hisses. "I said I wanted him away from Steve but you know that wasn't what I meant! I was mad enough when you instigated Rogers into fighting that monster of yours."
"Oh my God," Amora snorts, turning back towards her locker. She reapplies her lipstick and smacks her lips together. "How was I supposed to know that little piece of trailer trash was going to act all noble on Loki's behalf? I mean god, it's Loki. I was surprised enough that Laufeyson roped in some guy that didn't look like a complete fucktard. Not like Stark that guy's a weasel…"
"Like you're doing much better with that hairless gorilla you call a boyfriend?" Natasha smirks, Amora shooting her a look.
One of the teachers comes out into the hall and furrows her brow at the crowd that had gathered. She spots Natasha and frowns. "Excuse me? Young lady!" Natasha rolls her eyes. "Young lady, if you don't go to this school I'm going to have to ask you to leave!"
"Fuck off."
"Well!" The teacher gasps. "I'm calling security!"
Natasha's lip curls over her teeth, turning her attention back on Amora. "Our business together is through, got it? I don't need you talking Loki into another one of his dreary suicide attempts. I don't need that hanging over my head."
She snorts. "It's like you actually care about him…" Amora pulls out her mascara and brushes it over her eyelashes, Natasha crossing her arms. "Look, think of it this way, my little Russian mouse…Loki has a nervous breakdown which makes up for your boyfriend having a nervous breakdown." Amora shrugs. "Fair is fair." She evens out her concealer and hums. "Besides…I didn't talk Loki into anything. I just planted a small, tiny, insignificant seed of doubt into his brain and it grew from there. It's always fun messing with the ones that are already on the verge of total mental instability…don't you think?"
"I don't care if you and Loki have your own business you need to dish out, okay? Whatever it is, I don't give a shit," Natasha scowls at her. "But don't fucking expect me to not give you hell if Steve gets run over in the process. For whatever reason he likes Laufeyson and I don't need you fucking things up for them your way if Loki makes Steve happy." She turns to leave and hisses at the crowd that had gathered, parting it like the Red Sea. "And don't leave my name on any of your calling cards. It's bad for business."
"I wouldn't dream of it, mouse," Amora hums, packing up her makeup. She closes her locker and her eyes darken. "Oh, and Romanoff?" Natasha turns her head, the school security guard rounding the corner of the hall. "Don't ever fucking touch me again."
As of right now Loki wasn't exactly feeling up for company but Steve had been fairly insistent on the phone that he wanted Loki to have lunch with him. His arms ached like hell and his stomach was still a little queasy but other than that he was good to go. Food may not stay down though. At least nothing solid. Plus since Thor had gone to school and Frigga was off talking to some people at the hospital Loki had nothing holding him back from sneaking out.
He still didn't feel 100% though. His head still felt like it was hazy and his thoughts were all mushed and jumbled together but Loki was able to keep them sensible.
Steve was still a hazy subject. Loki still wasn't sure what it was there. All he knew was that he liked him. He didn't know why, he just did, and that was what was bothering him. Loki was scientific. He had a theory and knew he needed proof to back it up. Why did he like Steve? What was it specifically? And for another thing—what about Loki did Steve like? He liked him enough to want to show him off but why? Romanoff seemed pretty determined that Loki was no good for Steve if she was willing to tell Steve directly. But why didn't Steve listen to his friend? Loki listened to Darcy. Sort of. He didn't exactly calm down, he freaked to be honest, but he'd understood what she was telling him.
Then again she didn't know the person he was dating was Steve.
Loki grumbles and places a hand on his head. It was hurting again. Too much thinking. He stands and shoves his hands into his pockets when Steve pulls around the driveway.
"Hey." Loki climbs into the truck and smiles, Steve partially smiling at him and mumbling a 'hey' back. His stomach does a flip. "So…where were you thinking for lunch?"
"Not sure yet."
He bites his lip, sinking back into his seat. Steve was mad at him. It wasn't just that though—Steve was physically mad at him. Or upset or something. Loki couldn't tell. He just stares out the window as they drive, not really sure if he should say anything else. He should've known Steve was being too pushy over the phone. If this was about to turn into one of those clingy boyfriend ordeals Loki was going to laugh because Steve didn't strike him as the type.
The drive feels like it takes forever before Steve turns into the empty lot across from the diner where they'd first snuck out to eat lunch together. Loki chews his lip and stares out the window at it, looking back at Steve who puts the truck into park. He sighs and slouches his shoulders, his hands resting in the bottom rung of the steering wheel. Steve turns off the truck.
Loki's heart was pounding against his sternum. He didn't know what he was supposed to do. Should he get out of the truck? Should he talk to Steve? What the hell was going on? He glances back towards the diner and furrows his brow, getting an idea. Loki digs through his coat pockets and then his jeans, pulling out a single copper coin. He holds it out to Steve as a sign of good will and hopes for the best. Steve scoffs at the coin and turns his head away. Loki's heart stops.
"Really? You're going to do that now? You can't just-" Steve bites his lip, physically struggling from what he wanted to say.
"I—I'm a little confused…"
"Confused? You're confused?" Steve laughs bitterly, finally turning to face him. "I'm confused, Loki! I don't even know what to say right now!"
Funny, neither did Loki.
"I talked to Thor."
Loki's insides twist. He furrows his brow, carefully matriculating a response. "Oh?"
"That's all you have to say?" Steve snorts. "Oh? That's it?"
"What do you want me to say, Rogers?"
"How about the truth, Loki? How about you actually tell me what's really going on for once because honestly I don't even know what is and isn't a lie anymore." Loki could feel a lump growing in his throat. The words were getting caught. He wasn't sure what to say, he was so confused, his head was throbbing. Steve runs a hand through his hair and stares out the windshield, his shoulders trembling with frustration. "I mean—you don't tell me you're upset. That's for starters. You tell me you were in the hospital—okay—you don't tell me why, you tell me you were sick, you don't tell me you're not coming to school… I mean, did you even have a good time on Friday?"
Loki frowns. "Of course I did, Steve, I-"
"Was I too pushy? Have I been too pushy? Are you just going along with this because you're afraid of hurting my feelings?"
"N-n-no, Steve, you-"
"Does Darcy not know?" Steve asks. "Did you not tell her you were in the hospital either?"
He shakes his head. "No…"
"What were you thinking? I honestly want to understand why you wanted to do this, Loki. I want to help you, Loki, I want to help you get better. I want to know what you're feeling, what you're thinking, why can't you just tell me?"
Loki was going to be sick. He didn't want Steve to know he had doubts; he didn't want him to leave. "It doesn't matter."
"It doesn't matter? It doesn't matter?!" Steve raises his voice. "Thor was crying Loki! I've never seen Thor cry, ever. I'm asking him how sick you were and he tells me about how you woke him up in the middle of the night because you'd slit your wrists and didn't know what to do I mean—why didn't you just talk to me? I want you to talk to me, Loki, I want you to feel like I'm here for you but it's like you insist on torturing yourself. Not to mention Thor…and your mother-"
No, he didn't want to think about that. Loki puts his hands over his ears. "They wouldn't care," he hisses, drawing his legs up onto the seat.
Steve stares at him, no longer angry, but—he looked sad. Loki closes his eyes. He didn't want to see that either. "Loki, of course they would. Did you not here me? Thor was crying he was so upset, he doesn't know why you did this, you won't tell anyone. He says everything you told the counselor was the same as last time but he doesn't think that's what's going on-"
"They already have a child to mourn why would they mourn over me?"
"Loki-"
"I don't matter to them, I'm not even theirs!"
He struggles when Steve grabs his arm and pulls it away from his ear with a scowl. "Loki, stop it, yes they do! They love you, Loki, why do you have to lie about it? Why do you lie to them or to yourself or anyone else?" He pauses, sighing. Steve releases his arm. "Why did you lie about them cutting you off? About having to pay for everything yourself?" Loki glares at him. "Yeah, I asked Thor about it and he doesn't know why you'd say something like that. Were you trying to relate to me? Impress me? Make me feel sorry for you?"
"I don't want your pity!" Loki snarls with as much venom as he could muster.
"Why didn't you tell me about Natasha knowing about us? Huh?" Loki whines and closes his eyes, trying to bury his face into his knees. "Did you think I wouldn't believe you? Why didn't you just tell me? Why do you just lash out and let yourself be the bad guy?" Loki mumbles into his knees, Steve struggling to pull him up. "Loki, look at me. Look at me, Loki, why do you keep doing this? Why are you torturing yourself?"
"I don't know…" Loki mumbles, trying to push Steve away. He didn't need this right now what did it matter to Steve how he felt?
"You don't know? Do you think you deserve it? Are you punishing yourself? For what?"
"I DON'T KNOW!" He screams, swinging his arms at Steve to get away. Loki curls up in the seat and turns away from him to press his forehead against the glass.
Steve stares at him. He looks away and breathes deeply, his hands gripping at the bottom of the steering wheel again. "Do you know how scared I was?" Loki closes his eyes. "I thought I'd done something wrong, Loki, I thought I'd hurt you and that's why you tried to kill yourself, that's what Thor's thinking too. And I'm sure your mother. What if it had worked? What if they weren't able to save you? What would I have thought? Or Darcy? Anyone…" Hot, wet tears start rolling down his face, Steve sniffing and wiping them on his coat.
What did Steve want him to say? What did Steve want from him? What did he want? What did he want? Loki wasn't trying to hurt anyone. He just wasn't sure what he was doing anymore. Everything was confusing and different and new; everything was changing.
"Why would you care?" Loki mumbles. "Why would any of you care? What does it matter to you what happens to me?"
"Loki…" Steve turns to him, his bottom lip trembling. "Of course I care-"
"But why?" Loki snaps. His voice was starting to crack. "Why do you care? I don't need your tenderness or your affection or your feelings so just fuck off!"
Steve recoils, leaning against the door to watch him, brow furrowed. He wipes at his eyes to try and stop crying. "You—is that what you really want, Loki? Do you want me to leave? If you're not happy you just need to tell me, okay? I don't want you to be with me if you're unhappy-"
"No…no that's not what I want…" he whimpers. "I don't want you to leave…"
"Then what do you want?"
They sit in silence, Loki brushing away his tears to keep them from falling. What did Loki want? He didn't know. He never knew. If he did he wouldn't be sitting here, trying to explain to the one person that didn't make any sense to him what exactly it was that Loki was trying to accomplish, when Loki himself had no fucking idea.
"You don't get it, do you?"
Steve frowns, Loki sniffling and wiping his eyes.
"All I ever do is mess everything up just like Romanoff or anyone else could tell you. Frigga and Thor are miserable. Odin's never home anymore because he can't stand to be around me." The tears start to well up in his eyes, Loki covering his face. "And Darcy—look what I did to her! I don't tell you she likes you and ruin any chance she had and now—now I'm dating you! I'm so selfish—I'm so selfish, Steve, how can you like someone as selfish and horrible as I am?"
Loki sobs into his hands. Fat tears begin to roll down his cheeks. "I'm so selfish I don't even want anyone to know. I want to keep you all to myself for as long as I can before everyone—everyone who sees me for what I really am flocks around you and tells you everything that's wrong with me. Before they mark you like they marked me!" He sobs, his body shaking and breathing becoming ragged. "I don't want that for you. I don't want to ruin you. No one treats me like you do…you don't treat me like I'm fragile or like I'm going to snap you just—you make me happy…I don't want to ruin that…"
He was an open wound now, exposing himself for Steve to see, gushing pieces of himself everywhere. Steve was seeing all of him—uncensored—and Loki was trembling. He was shaking and sobbing and trying to find a way to get away but there was nowhere for him to go. Steve was here with him, Loki was there with Steve, and there wasn't a way to claw out. Loki was trapped open and raw with Steve dissecting him every moment he stayed.
"I don't want you to leave!" Loki sobs, his body forcibly shuddering as he curls in on himself, arms pressed tightly against his stomach. He couldn't breathe. "You make me feel like things are okay again. I'm so happy when I'm with you…I know I act like I'm not, but I am! I don't want you to leave! You'd be so much better off without me though and I thought—I thought you'd be better off but I—I don't want you to leave me-"
Then Steve was kissing him. Steve pulls Loki into his lap and kisses him, wrapping his arms around him and holding him as close as he possibly could. He begs him to stop crying, rubbing his sides, kissing his tears, Loki clinging to him as he sobs. Loki buries himself into him and Steve holds him as he sobs. He kisses and strokes his hair, rubbing his back soothingly. Loki's heart was aching but it felt like Steve was keeping it from tearing itself apart.
Steve cups his face gently in his hands, his thumbs brushing away his tears. "Listen to me, okay?" Loki nods. "Listen—I don't want you to kill yourself. I don't want you to kill yourself for me or for anyone! Do you hear me?" Loki bites deeply into his lip to keep the sobs from coming up. "I want this to work. I want us to work. I feel great when I'm with you," Steve lets out a small laugh. "You make me happy too. I can't explain it, okay? But there are some things worth not having an explanation for." Loki shudders out a sob and nods, Steve's fingers gently running through his hair.
"I'm sorry," Loki whimpers. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't—I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…"
"Don't you apologize," he orders softly, kissing Loki's face. "Don't you dare apologize for how you feel, Loki, you're allowed to be scared. You're allowed to be worried. You're allowed to breakdown, Loki, you don't have to pretend to be so strong." Steve runs his hands over Loki's hair and presses his forehead against his, Loki's heart fluttering. "I'm not going to judge you for leaning on me. I want you to. I want you to lean on me. Okay?"
Loki nods, letting out a guttural sob and clinging to his shoulders. Steve holds him and lets him cry. He cries and cries, already past the point of exhaustion, Steve humming softly in his ear. Some of Steve's heated tears fall into mix with his own, Loki burying his face into his neck. He reaches up to gently stroke his hair.