Drinks and Subtle Things

by FarenMaddox

Between terrible childhoods and the pressures of fame, being a rockstar isn't that much fun... except it totally is. Fai drinks to cope, Kurogane tries not to, Sakura kicks ass, Subaru needs love, Kamui is pissed at the world, Touya and Yukito are quietly married, and Tomoyo hides backstage and wonders how she got roped into this. ROCKSTARS AU. Warnings for sex and drug use.

8. Chapter 8

SO MANY WARNINGS. Alcoholism recovery, drug addiction, crippling self-esteem issues, loss of family members, and in the very last scene one of the characters briefly thinks about suicide. It's a heavy, heavy chapter. I think it's a hopeful chapter in a lot of ways, but please be careful.

and it's so hard not to scream

there's such a fine line

between the things you are and the things you've been

---

(three years and six months ago)

Kurogane was here. He'd thrown up in the bushes outside, but who needed to know that? He was here, and that was important, and he'd deal with all of this later because he had work to do.

He had not seen Touya in person once during the past two years, but there had been five phone calls. He'd counted them. The first phone call was the hardest. The second one was just giving him an update on everybody. The third time, he'd called Touya. He'd been pretty proud of himself for that one. He'd just called, just to say hello and tell him that he'd finished his certification and he was an electrician and he and Shizuka were moving in together.

Then, just a couple of months ago, Touya had called to tell him that they'd met a guy at a bar who could sing. The guy had guitarists for roommates and the pieces were falling into place and Touya hadn't stopped wanting this but he was absolutely going to walk away from this if it was going to make Kurogane go AWOL again.

Kurogane hadn't even hesitated. He told Touya to get his ass on the stage and get famous. It hurt like hell to think about, but that didn't make it wrong. Touya and Yukito had wanted it for totally different reasons than he did, and they deserved to have it. He told them to go for it. And then he didn't talk to them again because he didn't know what to say.

The fifth call had been less than an hour ago.

Touya had picked up the phone on the second ring. "Hey, Kurogane," he said, caution and enthusiasm warring in his voice and making him sound oddly childish. "What's up, how's everything?"

"Sakura told me about your gig tonight."

"O-oh. I, uh, I wanted to tell you, but I— hey, you're talking to Sakura now? That's . . . that's good."

Kurogane wondered if Touya could hear him rolling his eyes. "I'm not mad at you for not telling me. I called to say: don't panic about the equipment. I have the address and I'm on my way down there."

"You're . . . what?"

Kurogane had hung up the phone and paced around the apartment for twenty minutes, apparently driving Shizuka nuts since what got him out the door was a shove to the middle of his back and a mild, "Shit or get off the pot, would you?"

So here he was. At the venue. At the place where the new band was going to play their very first show. There was a couple of restaurants on the ground leve and then the concert was in the basement hall beneath them. The twin guitarists apparently had made a few connections and had gotten them this gig. They had a single that a couple of local radio stations were playing, a song called "Heaven and Earth and the Other Place," but Kurogane kept turning it off as soon as he heard the opening notes. He was having a hard time explaining that one to his coworkers, to be honest. They usually listened to the radio at work.

"Just get the fuck down there and do it," he muttered to himself.

Sakura had just started texting him out of the blue last week. He hadn't even known she had his number, although it wasn't that surprising that Touya had given it to her. She had started talking to him like it hadn't been two years, like the last time they had talked hadn't been at Syaoran's funeral.

so tired the message said.

practicing like crazy lately

don't know if Touya told you I'm drumming for the band

or if he told you the name, which is Paper Cranes

we've been working our asses off, especially when we found out we've booked a gig

it's next week

That was the point at which Kurogane had finally replied.

Congrats.

He was still trying to think of what else he could possibly say when she sent another volley.

Touya's freaking.

He and Yukito are the only ones who know anything about the set-up, and you know how helpful Yukito usually actually is with that.

He's convinced the show is doomed because he won't get the equipment set up in time. He's also convinced he'll screw it up even with enough time.

do you want to help him for a few minutes? I don't mean you have to stay for the show, and it's totally okay if you can't, but none of us are sure that this is going to go well. Kamui keeps saying he knows all about this stuff.

Touya is pretty sure not.

Kurogane had just stared at all of it coming in, and then sighed a sigh that went all the way down to his bones. Nobody had been able to deny this girl anything since the day she was born, and especially not him. She was totally spoiled but only because she was so sweet. And he owed her. Owed them.

Yeah, okay.

She'd fired off another round to say thank you and try to ask how he was, but he'd turned the sound off his phone and stopped reading them. Now, as he walked down the stairs into the music club, he wished he had read them. He might be better-prepared for this.

There were a few people already present, milling around with drinks in plastic cups and ID bracelets on. A table for merch that was woefully lacking anything on it—Kurogane hoped it was just because they hadn't brought it in yet and not because they didn't have any. They had to have at least made some shitty bumper stickers by now, right?

Fuck, it even smelled familiar. It was already starting to feel like too much. He ignored it to approach the stage. A little dark-haired boy or girl was waving around some wires dramatically and arguing with a blond that . . .

Okay, damn. With a really hot blond who was lean and athletic and had a great ass and was laughing at the dark kid's frustration.

"All right, Kamui, just wait for Touya, we'll figure it out."

"Move the fuck over before you break it," Kurogane said as he got close enough, scowling at the crimes being committed to innocent amplifiers. "I got this."

The blond straightened up and beamed at him with a ridiculous smile. "Sorry, but I don't actually have a clue who you are."

"My actual hero," said a voice behind Kurogane, and he didn't even have time to turn before Touya was offering an easy slap on the back. What Kurogane had been most worried about was that Touya would make a big deal out of seeing him. But he wasn't, he was talking so casually. Kurogane almost relaxed. "Fai, meet my little brother. Kurogane, this is Fai, our singer and lyricist."

"Little?" Fai repeated with a smirk.

"He's younger than me, shut up. Also way better at all this shit than you guys, so maybe just go do important vocal warming exercises and let the two of us get this sorted out."

"So what do you know about the equipment?" asked the small one, apparently named Kamui, eyeing him distrustfully.

"Plenty. Half this stuff used to be mine."

"So, what, you're a musician, too?"

"Nope," Kurogane said forcefully.

"You sure? Because everybody else in your family—"

"Oh, would you look at the time!" Fai said, looking at his completely bare wrist. "Time for Kamui to shut the hell up and go help Sakura get her drums in here."

"But—"

"I kind of want to play the show on time and she has a lot of drums."

Kamui stomped off, and Fai looked down at Kurogane apologetically. "If it makes you feel any better, Kamui is an angry kid and behaves like that with everyone."

"Yeah, whatever," Kurogane muttered, jumping up on the stage so he could get to work.

"Oh, wow. You're tall. You're taller than I—"

"Than you what?" Kurogane muttered, kind of surprised when he realized that Fai-the-hot-blond was almost eye-level and therefore pretty damn tall himself.

"Than I remembered," Fai said quietly, shrugging.

Kurogane felt his heart start racing at that, and wondered if maybe he wanted to get the hell out of here right now. "You know me?" he asked through gritted teeth.

"Think I still have one of your CDs in my car," Fai answered. "But I'm guessing you don't want to talk about that."

"Where did you get that idea?" Kurogane snarled.

Fai winced, but held his ground. "Listen, I wasn't going to . . . never mind. Judging by the enthusiastically threatening expression Touya is giving me right now, you maybe just want to be left alone. I'll try to keep the twins from bugging you, okay?"

Kurogane had his mouth open to tell Fai that if he wanted an autograph he was going to get whatever writing implement he produced shoved up his ass, but when he heard that, all he could really say was, "Huh."

Fai winked before he bounded away.

"He's something, right?" Touya drawled, and then pointed down at the equipment. "Now let's get to it. I am pretty sure that Kamui somehow wired my keyboard into Subaru's guitar pedal and we've got about half an hour to showtime."

Touya glanced over at him a few times while they worked, but didn't seem to have the nerve to say anything.

"I'm fine, you know," Kurogane said after a few minutes. "In general, I mean. I'm doing good."

Touya lost some of the hunch in his shoulders, but he didn't look up. "Good to hear."

"I'm not mad at you. I'm happy for you, man. I am."

Touya tested Yuki's guitar for sound. "Get over here and help me with this. What is this echo?"

Kurogane chuckled a little as he moved over to help. "Remember when we couldn't figure out the echo in my mic at that one gig and I just went without it and screamed every song as loud as I could?"

"Remember how you couldn't talk for three days?" Touya shot back, grinning. "God, that was blissful." Then his face crumpled suddenly. "I . . . fuck."

"It's fine," Kurogane said calmly, even though it wasn't totally fine because he hated that Touya was afraid to joke around with him. "I don't want to talk about all of it. But I go to meetings and I go to a counselor right now, and Shizuka is . . . he helps. I'm here, aren't I? I'm not— I don't know. I gotta take this slow. Don't get worried if I need some time after being here tonight, though, yeah? If you don't hear from me, I mean— I'm okay. I'm not gonna go backwards."

Touya nodded. "Yeah, okay." They went quiet for a minute while they worked, testing the guitar until it sounded right. "But seriously, man, you gotta teach Fai how to do this or something, because we can't afford to hire anyone for tech right now."

Hanging out with Fai sounded strangely appealing. Yeah, no, not going there. Maybe he and Shizuka said they were in an open relationship, but he could not even fathom that right now. Especially not with a musician. Especially not with someone who knew who he was. Big nope.

Sakura and Kamui and Yukito all came in with pieces of her drum set, filing up onto the stage in a row with another dark-haired kid trailing at the back with a big cardboard box.

"Where's our table?" he puffed. "I can't believe how heavy a box of EPs is."

"I put my pet rocks in there," Sakura said soberly as she set down her bass. "I needed them to be my security blanket for our first show. Sorry." The kid's eyes were wide and injured. She laughed and threw an arm around his shoulders. "Oh my god, Subaru, I'm just messing with you. Also offering to take you to the gym to work out, because that box is not even heavy."

He looked all hurt. Wow. This was one sensitive kid.

"I'm sorry," she said seriously, giving him a real hug. "It's just nerves. I'll stop teasing you."

She looked so different. Taller, stronger, older. She'd gone from being a cute kid to a really gorgeous young woman and that was slightly terrifying.

"Is it just me or does Sakura wear a lot more makeup than she used to?" Kurogane mumbled to Touya.

Touya snorted. "She thinks she's so punk, seriously."

"She looks good," he muttered.

"Yeah, she does."

"Kurogane!" Fuck, she'd seen him. She came hurrying over the stage, and he frowned as he watched her. "Glad you could make it," she said, sounding casual and drawing him into a quick hug that he didn't really reciprocate because. Well, shit. He couldn't even look her in the eye, that was why. He'd thought he could do this, but actually talking to her might be beyond him.

"Are you limping?" he responded, latching onto what he'd seen when she crossed over here. "You okay? What happened?"

The smile on her lips disappeared so fast he didn't even see it go. "Oh god, I thought Touya told you. Touya!" she said sharply.

Touya was back to hunching over equipment and not making eye contact. The sick feeling came back to Kurogane's gut. Shit. Shit shit shit.

"Is that . . . from the accident . . ."

"I—yeah. It's— Kurogane, it's okay, it's okay, I promise, please don't—"

But he was already sprinting for the exit. He held on until he could get back to the same bush from earlier, because if you were going to puke on somebody's landscaping, you should at least try to minimize the damage.

He couldn't bring himself to go back inside after he threw up, so he just got back in his car and headed home. He was so angry and sick and sad that he couldn't breathe. He hadn't been like this in a while, but he didn't know that Sakura was . . . He pounded on the steering wheel and screamed. He tore up the stairs to his apartment and found Shizuka sitting quietly on the sofa, not even doing anything, just sitting there.

"Fuck," he choked, and realized he was crying. He wondered if he'd been crying the whole way back here. "You didn't tell me how bad she was hurt, none of you told me, you pieces of shit, you— I know I should have known because I should have been there, but I can't believe none of you told me."

Shizuka stood up like he was ready for Kurogane to start throwing punches, but Kurogane just shoved him back down onto the sofa and crumpled up beside him and let all the guilt take over. Shizuka would watch over him and would put him back together later.

---

It was hours after the concert that Tomoyo finally came home, but sleep was impossible tonight. A re-run of the late-night news at 2 o'clock in the morning flickered against the walls of the family room, and her mother was a warm presence at her side.

"Nationally-recognized rock group The Paper Cranes gave a more memorable show than they intended tonight at the Make the Season Merry and Bright concert. The Salvation Army organized the benefit, and The Paper Cranes were just one of many performers at the event this evening. Things turned from merry to scary when lead singer and frontman Fai Fluorite collapsed on stage at the end of their set list. An unidentified stage worker carried Fluorite to a safer location and Fluorite left the venue in an ambulance. He was admitted to Mount Sinai Hospital with severe pneumonia and is in critical condition."

Tomoyo sipped at her tea, but it was going cold. She set it aside and shook her head when her mother asked if she wanted a reheat. She leaned against Okaasan's warmth and sighed shakily.

"The Paper Cranes are signed on with Piffle Records. Piffle Records could not be reached for comment and the band members have refused to make any statements tonight. Fluorite's performance was energetic and fans interviewed live at the concert expressed shock at the news of his condition . . ."

Tomoyo watched the screen through puffy eyes, a tissue still clutched in one hand even though she'd stopped crying a while ago. She had come home once the hospital made it obvious that no one would be admitted to see Fai tonight and once Touya had just about threatened everyone with bodily harm if they didn't go. There had already been some hard-core fans gathering in front of the hospital with candles when she left. She'd almost been tempted to join them, just to avoid sitting at home fretting.

Her mother had greeted her at the door asking what in hell was going on, and what she'd been doing on stage at that concert. Maybe the argument would have lasted longer if Tomoyo hadn't been sobbing her eyes out.

"They had to put him in ICU, Okaasan, I just—he's my friend but he doesn't have any family and they won't let anyone who isn't family into his room. I can't understand that. He's drowning inside his own lungs and he has to be alone when they need him to fight for his life. Okaasan, I don't want him to die, I don't . . ."

Okaasan wasn't close to Fai, but Tomoyo knew she remembered him. She remembered how he'd gone from cheerful youth to distant and cold young man when his mother died; she remembered that he didn't cry at the funeral and didn't let anyone other than Ashura touch him. She wanted to know what was happening as much as Tomoyo did. So she parked Tomoyo on the couch with tissues and tea and blankets, and was staying here with her to watch the news because they couldn't do anything useful.

Tomoyo had wanted to stay at the hospital, but Touya just kept saying it made more sense for them all to get some sleep and come back tomorrow when they knew more. Kurogane had flat-out refused, and Touya had decreed that the two brothers would be the ones to stay at the hospital overnight and text everyone with updates.

Sakura had tried to argue, and Tomoyo couldn't help that it pushed her over the edge into being in love with the girl. She was fierce and lovely, and she'd been wiping away her own tears with the determination that Subaru's grief came first and she needed to comfort him more than she needed any for herself. She stood in front of her brother and said he couldn't send them away when Fai needed them. She'd been limping so badly by that point that Touya won the argument by asking her about her leg

Tomoyo had thought at first that Sakura had twisted something during the concert, and had pulled her aside only a few minutes before to ask her to go downstairs to get it examined.

Sakura looked down at the floor for a moment before conjuring up a devastatingly sweet smile from somewhere in her soul.

"It's an old injury," she said, "from a car accident. It's hurting some today, but that's not important right now."

"Let me know if there's anything I can get you, okay? I know everyone's upset and distracted, but you shouldn't neglect your own needs," Tomoyo answered, finding Sakura's hand in hers without realizing she'd reached for it. She gave it a squeeze. "Everyone here cares about you, too."

Sakura had blushed and nodded, and seemed reluctant to let go of her hand until Kamui called for her attention a few seconds later.

Tomoyo had kept a close eye on her until Touya forced her to go home, and that's when Tomoyo had decided to head home herself. She'd find plenty of ways to help in the coming days, but for now she thought the most good she could do was give Touya and Kurogane some space.

"Sweetheart, why don't you go to bed?" her mother said, running a hand through her hair. She'd been taking out Tomoyo's braid and untangling the ribbon and fake flowers she'd woven in for the performance. Now she was just brushing it with slow, even strokes.

"I can't," she said, turning to get a good cuddle in Okaasan's arms.

"Somebody will call you if anything . . ."

"He won't die," she said firmly, surprising herself and her mother at the same time. She felt the strength of her conviction course through her like the way the cheers of the crowd a few hours ago had, rumbling in her chest. "He's got too much to live for. He's going to make it."

Her mother kissed her forehead and didn't argue with her.

Tomoyo didn't wait much longer before going to bed, but sleep didn't come easily. She simply lay still and thought back over the past few weeks, looking for regret about her own choices. She couldn't find any.

---

(four hours earlier)

The Paper Cranes were a last-minute announcement and the only half-filled venue suddenly sold out almost overnight. Their symbol—an heavily-stylized and edited photo of a paper crane that Fai had personally folded—had been plastered at the bottom of posters and on the website, with bright and bold text proclaiming their addition to the show with the use of too many punctuation marks.

Tomoyo was backstage with the others, and trying to breathe. Her hands were sweaty on her violin case.

Fai's phone call not even three weeks ago had been nearly frantic with excitement, and she'd found herself agreeing to do the show without thinking about it long enough. She had a lot of other responsibilities during December. She was just a backup dancer right now, but that didn't mean she didn't practice long and hard with the rest of the troupe for their run of The Nutcracker. And anytime she wasn't doing that, she was helping her mom with administrative work for the benefit gala. She was taking a few college classes online and she'd only finished her finals a week ago.

She was exhausted. But then, she couldn't complain too much around the band. They were all nearly as wiped out as she was. They all had jobs and school in addition to their practices, just like she did, and Fai was doing most of the writing for her parts.

A hand fell on her shoulder, and she turned around expecting Fai. Instead, Sakura was there, smiling at her.

"Ready?" she asked.

"I think so," she whispered, and Sakura laughed.

She was so different today, and Tomoyo marveled at it. She'd seemed klutzy and sort of shy every time they'd gotten together to practice in the past couple of weeks, to say nothing of their first meeting when she'd dumped soda on herself—not that Tomoyo was tactless enough to bring that up. She'd thought immediately that Sakura was cute and funny and wonderful and she'd had to be very firm with herself about how far she was allowed to let that admiration go.

After tonight, she wasn't sure she'd be able to help herself. Sakura was born to perform, just like she was. It showed, today. She was glowing, energized, confident. Tomoyo had already known she could be serious, because she could get really intense during practice. This was something else. She seemed to suddenly fit inside her own skin.

"You're going to do great, Tomoyo. I'll be back, okay? I just need to go talk to my brother for a minute."

After tonight, there was no way she could deny she was falling for this girl. Hard.

Tomoyo re-braided her hair to calm herself down, which usually worked. She wondered which brother Sakura meant, since both of them were here tonight. Tomoyo had wanted to ask Fai about the man he was dating but had never found the opportunity, and then he'd showed up just half an hour ago and Sakura had introduced him as her brother rather than as Fai's boyfriend. Tomoyo was a little amused at how close this family apparently stuck together, since Kurogane apparently worked with the band despite not playing in it.

They didn't even need him tonight, as far as Tomoyo could tell. Whoever had set up the concert had hired their own people to do all the technical stuff, but the whole band insisted that they could not possibly play a show without his help in tuning the instruments and setting up. Kurogane might roll his eyes and bluster, but it was clear that he also believed they could not survive without him.

Fuuma, the sweet if slightly crass man she'd met before, was also here but claimed it was only for moral support and refused to help them get ready. Apparently he preferred to bug Kamui non-stop instead. Sakura had explained that this was important pre-show ritual and Kamui wouldn't perform right if Fuuma didn't antagonize them half to death first.

"Okay, people," came a familiar voice, "places."

Suddenly the band was crowding around her, and Tomoyo's heart was fluttering in her chest.

"You're absolutely sure about this, right?" Fai asked, materializing at her side.

"Yeah," she breathed, gratefully squeezing the hand he offered her. There hadn't been time to officially say anything to anyone at Joffrey yet, and her mother was going to lose it, but Tomoyo was sure she was making the right call. She'd been sure since yesterday, when they'd gotten together for their final rehearsal. The band had offered to introduce her as a friend and special guest who was only here to play one show, but then they'd said (or rather, Touya had said, and she'd sensed he often spoke for the group because they'd all been nodding along) that if she wanted it they could also introduce her as a new member of the band.

"You . . . you really want me to join you?"

Sakura was beaming just behind her older brother as he answered, "Yeah, we do."

"You bring something special," Fai added, looking just as happy. "Something we didn't even know was missing until you came along."

"I'm really looking forward to working with you, if you'll have us," Subaru said warmly, taking one of her hands in both of his. "We all are."

Kamui had been shy around her so far, but even they came forward to say, "I think you and I could write some really cool stuff."

Fai beamed at her, but she could hear the faint wheezing sound in his breath, and she couldn't help but feel worried for him despite her own nerves about this performance. He'd been sick for the past couple of weeks, and with all the last-minute preparation of trying to throw together a set for this concert, he hadn't taken the time to go to the doctor and get himself checked out. He always seemed to be either furiously working or mysteriously absent. She'd heard the others gossiping about how he'd disappeared from a party last week without explanation—she'd been invited, too, but had to dance that night.

Now here it was, December nineteenth, and there was no way he'd be able to get a doctor's appointment until after Christmas. She suddenly doubted he could even do this show. He looked pale and clammy. His breathing was more labored than it had been yesterday. His eyes were starting to look glassy.

Kurogane suddenly came up behind them, carrying Fai's cello case.

"My baby," Fai said happily, reaching out his hands.

Kurogane smirked at him. "You talking about me, or the damn oversized violin here?"

Fai made a pouting face. "Maybe I was talking about both." He coughed, and it sounded like tearing wet paper.

"The plural of baby is 'babies,' you know," Kurogane said, stepping forward and putting the case to one side so he could step as close to Fai as the man would allow him. Tomoyo retreated a few steps to give them a semblance of privacy, but that was as far as she was willing to move away from Fai right now. She took deep, calming breaths. This was going to be fun. She was in a rock band as of now. She was twenty years old and she was leaving a major ballet company to be in a rock band, and oh god her mother was going to kill her.

"Hey," Kurogane rumbled. He was quiet, but she couldn't help hearing with how close she was to them. "After the show is over, I'm taking you to the urgent care place. I'm serious."

Tomoyo was pretending to be very interested in all the other people milling around and not looking at them, but she could hear it all.

"I'm fine," Fai protested. "Or I will be, if I can just get a decent night's sleep for once. I promise."

"Not good enough anymore. The whole band is going to back me up on this. I agree you need a couple of days off, but you also need a damn doctor. You can't try to pretend you're not really, really sick."

"You're not my caretaker, Kurogane," Fai snapped. "Fuck, you're not even officially my boyfriend. You do not get to tell me what I will or won't do or—"

"Look, I know this month has been rough on you, and I'll even understand if you've got, I don't know, a fear of doctors, but Fai, just— Hey. You're really gonna give me that not-your-boyfriend crap right now? I mean, I'm fine with that if that's what you want, but it's not even relevant—"

"This is the actual worst time for a heart-to-heart," Fai said. "We're on stage in five minutes. Can this maybe wait?"

"The conversation, yes. But can you just—acknowledge that I care and this is important?"

Tomoyo was shocked by the bitter laugh that came out of her friend. She was starting to realize that she didn't know him that well. Or at least not the him he'd been since he lost his mom.

"I don't know why you do," Fai muttered. "What the hell do you even see in me?"

"I could ask the same thing," Kurogane said. "But that's not gonna get us anywhere. Come on. Nobody's paying attention. Kiss me and promise me we can talk later."

"Yes, we can talk later, you big dumb," Fai said, smiling at last. It was quiet long enough that Tomoyo knew the kiss was happening. "There, now go away so we can do our thing. Sorry they won't let you run our equipment tonight."

Kurogane snorted. "Yeah, because I needed to work two jobs today."

"You know you love all of this," Fai said lightly.

Kurogane didn't say anything, and Tomoyo peeked. He was standing there with a weird expression, and Fai was slowly turning white as a ghost. Oops. Somebody shouldn't have used the "L" word around their not-boyfriend. Or maybe it was something else, because you'd think they'd be all stammering and trying to cover it up instead of Kurogane getting all stony and cold.

"Shit," Fai said. "I didn't—"

"It'll have to wait," Kurogane cut him off. Then he seemed to school himself a little, and he softened just enough to say, "Good luck out there," before disappearing.

Fai turned around and saw Tomoyo looking, and he looked terribly sad. She didn't know what to do, so she just mimed zipping her lips like she had that first night. At least that put something like a smile on his face.

The rest of the band came crashing down on them, all talking at once, Sakura stretching her arms and Kamui warming their voice and asking Fai if he was warmed up, everyone trying to ask Tomoyo if she'd changed her mind about playing the whole set and if she'd rather wait here until it was time for the last song. She hadn't changed her mind, although suddenly she wondered if she ought to, since apparently she was joining a band with a very unstable lead singer. Fai was pretending everything was fine, and that meant there was no other choice than to get onstage and just power through this.

They came out on stage with big grins and waves, Sakura twirling her drumsticks in her hands and Fai nearly dancing. Tomoyo tried to match their enthusiasm, but she felt kind of stupid since her usual entrance to a stage was en pointe.

Tomoyo hadn't known what to wear, so she was wearing a slightly Gothic black dress and purple ankle boots and she'd woven fake poinsettia flowers into her hair. And apparently she fit right in, since Subaru's pants were almost the same shade of purple and Kamui's boots were practically an outfit all on their own. Fai had on the world's ugliest Christmas sweater, which apparently he'd pulled out of the back of a closet for the party last week and might have belonged to his mother's father. It was . . . orange. There were reindeer antlers and fuzzy balls that might have been ornaments, maybe. It was . . . well, nobody would even notice if the rest of them were stark naked.

"Hello, Chicago!" Fai bellowed into the microphone as they all made quick work of settling into their instruments. Sakura and Touya were using equipment that didn't belong to them, and they were just quickly checking it out to make sure they had a feel for it. The others were plugging into their amps. A member of the crew was carrying Fai's cello, since he was only using it for one song.

The audience roared. It washed over Tomoyo like a wave.

"It's good to be back home!"

An even louder roar.

"Happy December-holiday-of-your-choice-or-lack-thereof! Thanks for coming out for this, everyone, we can't tell you how much we appreciate your help. You're gonna make some kids really happy on Christmas morning. You guys ready to hear some music?"

It was a silly question. The audience had been listening to music for over an hour already. But they still shrieked and whistled and clapped like it was their last night on earth.

Subaru and Kamui struck the opening chords, Sakura was right behind them, and then they flowed into their first song with the ease of long practice. They'd picked a couple of their most popular and least offensive songs and quickly written Tomoyo's part into them, and she'd practiced until her fingers were sore. She'd put the violin aside to focus on dancing several years ago, and she'd just had to deal with the pain of building the callouses back up. It was far less painful than the abuse she'd put her feet through.

She tried to forget the audience and focus on doing a good job. This was her debut. You only got one. Well. One per industry, maybe.

They made it through their three songs without incident of any kind, except Fai going through an entire bottle of water trying to keep his cough under control. Everything was great. Time for the big announcement and time for the big song.

"Okay, so you're all probably wondering by now who this gorgeous girl with the violin is, right?" Fai said, which was followed by wolf whistles and more roaring. God, he was good on stage. They just ate out of the palm of his hand. "This is Tomoyo. Say hi, Tomoyo."

She waved her bow and grinned as widely as she could.

"She's new," Fai said conspiratorially, actually cupping one hand over the microphone like he was whispering in someone's ear. Then, in a louder voice, "I think our songs sound so much better with her help. Don't you guys think so?"

There was the beginnings of one of those roars.

"I can't hear you. I need you all to please join me in giving a very warm welcome to the new member of the Paper Cranes, Miss Tomoyo Daidouji!"

The roar was incredible. She actually closed her eyes for a second, and felt the cold air that was sweeping in from the cracked-open ceiling. It was a freezing cold night, but with the press of people in here, they actually needed the ventilation. She felt drunk. Powerful.

"Okay, this is going to be our last song tonight, and I think if you're not convinced yet, Tomoyo's about to win you over!" Fai ran over and grabbed his cello. "Ready when you are, lady!"

They started it slow and soft, and the only sound other than the strings was a very soft humming that you wouldn't know was coming from Subaru unless you were told.

Then they built it up. Kamui swept in with their guitar at the same time that a little tinkle of piano came from Touya. Kamui and Subaru took vocals for the first part.

"Hark how the bells-" / "Sweet silver bells-"

"All seem to say-" / "Throw cares away-"

They started off soft and sweet, the two of them, but then the others started to come in at different pitches. The music built up. Louder. Faster.

"Oh how they pound!" / "Raising the sound!"

Kamui's guitar was wailing and Sakura was singing her lungs out, and then Tomoyo and Fai moved closer together to offer their own voices into Fai's microphone as the music filled every single one of her senses.

"Merry merry merry merry Christmas!"

Her violin was shrieking and she played so hard that sweat dripped down her face and neck. Fai was going so fast that he snapped a string and just kept playing so well that Tomoyo was the only one who noticed. They were breathless. It was incredible. The rush. Tomoyo had never known it could feel quite like this on stage. And here she was, front and center.

They ended. The crowd was like thunder. It throbbed in her chest, and she looked at Fai with her eyes so wide she thought they would pop out of her head. He grinned and whooped and hugged her.

"You've been a beautiful audience," he said into the mic, panting and hoarse. "Enjoy the rest of the show."

That was not what they'd planned at all, there was supposed to be a whole little speech where they each said a couple of sentences thanking everyone for taking part in the benefit, but they had no choice other than to follow Fai's lead. They grabbed their instruments and hurried after him.

They almost made it backstage before Fai wavered and collapsed. Almost. A couple of cameras picked up the shot of Fai landing in a sprawl on tangled wires, and Kurogane hurtling onto the edge of the stage and scooping up Fai's shaking body into his arms.

---

Kurogane had apparently decided that Fai would not be able to die if he slept at the hospital. Touya was not about to ruin that with logic. Even if Kurogane wasn't totally aware of it himself, Touya knew that part of this was about Syaoran. Kurogane had literally not even known Syaoran was in the hospital until he was already gone. It had been quick, for one thing. For another, he'd been passed out drunk on somebody's floor after a party and didn't pick up his phone messages until noon the next day.

So here they were. Kurogane stubbornly refusing to move from his poorly-padded seat, as though it would keep Fai alive. Yukito had taken Sakura home because, probably due to psychosomatic reasons, her leg was hurting so badly that she was nauseous.

Touya had stopped trying to make conversation an hour ago. He wanted to get them both some coffee, or go call Yukito, or something other than just sitting here, but he didn't want to leave Kurogane alone. He wished he hadn't literally chased Subaru and Kamui out of the hospital to go home, because even though he'd wanted Kurogane to have space he also wished someone else was here to help him. The twins deserved to be here.

This was really very bad, he thought delicately. If Fai didn't make it through tonight . . . Well, it wasn't going to be good for any of them, particularly. But Kurogane couldn't handle this. Maybe it wasn't the same as what he'd lost before, but enough was enough and Kurogane didn't need to lose more. It wasn't fair.

Damn Fai, anyway. Damn that stupid selfish bastard. He could have gone to the doctor weeks ago, but he just couldn't bother to take care of himself at all, could he?

Then Touya saw the most welcome sight he'd ever seen in his life. His dad coming through the doors. Fujitaka came striding in and Touya was on his feet and running into his arms without an ounce of shame or hesitation. "Dad," he choked. "God. I'm so glad you're here."

Dad held onto him fiercely. "I made Sakura take a sleeping pill. I told Yukito to stay at the house with her and try to get some sleep if he could. Do you want to go? You've been here for hours."

Touya shook his head, and turned around to look at Kurogane. There was no way Kurogane hadn't seen Dad come in, but he was just staring at his feet over there. Touya couldn't leave yet, assuming he'd even want to, which he didn't. He couldn't stand the idea of being home and not knowing anything, which was actually overpowering his usual need to be attached to Yukito.

Dad patted his back, then went over to sit down beside his other son.

"Kurogane. Talk to me, kiddo."

Kurogane let loose a tiny sob and shook his head. Touya didn't exactly relax, but he did feel a little better when he saw that. Kurogane wasn't shutting down so much as he was just trying to hold on. Touya toyed for a moment with the idea of calling Shizuka and inappropriately dragging him from his boyfriend's bed to come deal with his ex. It would be better if Shizuka meditated with Kurogane for a few hours to keep him stable until they got some new information, and yet there was that whole boyfriend thing.

"Okay, don't talk, that's fine, too," Dad said calmly. "But I'm here if you need me."

Kurogane grabbed Dad's hand and held on. Touya winced. He hoped Dad still had fingers in the morning.

A woman in scrubs entered the waiting area looking grave. "Is there a next of kin for Mr. Fluorite available?"

"I'm his father," Dad lied through his teeth, standing up. Touya had never found his father more heroic.

"Can you come with me, please."

"Is it all right if we talk here? I'm fine with these two hearing everything."

Touya spent a second wondering how in hell they were getting away with this. This should not work. And yet the woman was talking.

"Fai is still in critical condition, but he has stabilized. If we can make it through tonight, I think he will recover."

None of them dared to feel relieved yet, but Dad's fingers might survive Kurogane's grip after all.

"Mr. Fluorite, are you sure we can't finish this conversation elsewhere? I have some information about your son that you may wish to keep private."

Dad hesitated, and that was when it became obvious that lying about their relationship was morally not okay because whatever the doctor had to say was not related to Fai's survival anymore.

"I'm not his father," he admitted. "Fai doesn't have any next of kin."

"But we are his family," Touya said quietly when the woman gave them an angry look. "We just . . . we are."

She shook her head. "I'm afraid I cannot discuss any details about my patient with anyone not authorized to receive the information."

"Please," Kurogane muttered. It was the only word Touya had heard him say in hours and it just about broke his heart.

"I can tell that whatever you have to say is pretty serious," Touya said, "and Fai is going to need us. That idiot needs all the help he can get. Is there anything you can tell us?" He was very, very firm about not thinking about what Fai's mother had died of. She'd been sick, and she'd died, and he didn't know what the illness was nor if her son could— no. He was not thinking about that.

"I think that if you have access to his home and his permission to enter, you may want to use it," she muttered.

"What?"

"You may want to look for evidence of certain . . . God I hate patient confidentiality sometimes," she muttered. "Yes, Mr. Fluorite is going to need you. I wish I could say more. I need to get back to work. I'm sorry."

She left, and Kurogane touched his forehead with a trembling hand. "Shit," he said. "Shit shit shit."

"What?" Touya repeated.

"Call the twins and tell them to snoop in Fai's bathroom. Right now."

Touya was still thinking about illness, and about the possibility that Fai had prescription medication in his bathroom that might tell them what it was, and so he called Subaru and half-explained the situation and told him to go take a look. Subaru was sniffling and he'd answered the phone too fast to have been asleep. He didn't even hang up the phone, just brought it with him and start poking around.

It didn't take long.

"Oh my god," Subaru said softly.

"Subaru, what is it?"

"Oh god oh god oh god Fai you idiot you stupid stupid man—"

"What is it?" Touya snapped.

"I'm not exactly sure, because I've never seen any before, but um. What does small bags of white powder hidden under the sink say to you?"

"Fuck," Touya said. "Oh fuck. I'm gonna kill him."

Kurogane didn't even look surprised.

---

The world was nothing but white-hot pain. Fai immediately regretted consciousness.

There was a lot of confusion. Guilt. Definitely guilt. Was the concert over? Why did he hurt so much? Why was he so tired?

He didn't want to see anyone. Didn't want to talk to them. He hadn't been able to look anybody in the eye for weeks now. He let himself slip back under.

This happened several times.

---

The time he decided to try to stay awake wasn't so different from the first few times, except that he heard somebody shuffling in the room and didn't feel like he could safely be unconscious again until he knew who it was.

He blinked, and everything seemed so blurry and white and ugly that he wondered if the pain in his body was just made manifest around him. The person in the room stepped closer and revealed itself to be a very tall, broad, and dark person. Fai realized that his pain was actually manifesting as a very intense Asian-featured man who was about to make him regret waking up even more than he already did.

"Hi, honey," he whispered.

"Honey?" Kurogane drawled as he set aside the book he was reading, marking it with an actual bookmark. What a nerd, bless him. "Really?"

Fai tried to smile, but he choked on the feeling of the tubes running into his nose, and started coughing, then that hurt really bad. For a while. He honestly didn't know how long he went on with his lungs being shredded, but when he regained the ability to notice things besides pain, he noticed that he was crying. He tried to wipe away the tears, but his arms felt like they were tied to the bed and also there were things stuck to his fingers and into his arms. So then he cried some more because he didn't like that.

"I'm sorry," he tried to say, except he was choking on something, and spat it onto his chin. He blinked in surprise when he saw a red droplet hit the blanket drawn up to his chest. "Oh my god," he whispered.

Kurogane stepped forward with a cloth and wiped his chin off so gently that Fai suddenly wondered if he was just dreaming this.

"The doctor said this would happen for a few days," he explained as he dabbed at the blood. "You stripped the lining of your nose and throat pretty good, which also explains how the infection set into your lungs so deeply."

"Huh?" Fai said eloquently. The words were swimming through his brain instead of sinking in where they were supposed to. "Sorry. I don't. I don't feel good."

Kurogane snorted. "No shit. You have pneumonia."

"Oh."

"Which started as bronchitis, and might have been easier to treat if you hadn't exacerbated the problem quite so badly by snorting cocaine all over the infection," Kurogane added with a suspicious nonchalance.

That was it, then. It was over. Fai closed his eyes. "Nope. I'm nope-ing right out of consciousness now. Bye." His heart was pounding far too quickly for that to be the case, but he could pretend.

The bed shifted, and Fai opened his eyes to see that Kurogane was just sitting beside him, looking at him with a solemn expression.

"So this is the part where you tell me you're very, very upset with me and we're not dating anymore, right? Closely followed by expressions of disgust and anger?"

Kurogane patted his leg in response.

"That's not very reassuring."

"I'm trying to think of what to say."

"Okay, scale of one to ten, one being actually still a little fond of me and ten being willing to yank the tubes out of my nose and let me die, how much do you hate me? And once you've rated yourself, maybe give me a heads up about where the others are on that scale."

Kurogane had two "tch" noises; one noise for mild amusement and one for annoyance. This "tch" was like a little of both.

"Most of the others are sitting out in the waiting room, frothing at the mouth for a chance to get in here."

Fai couldn't help the way he winced. He knew they'd be upset, but he didn't think he could actually deal with all of them at once right now.

"They want to tell you that they love you and support you and will do whatever they can to help."

Fai felt his eyes go wide, and he stared at Kurogane, too numb to actually truly register that. "What?"

"I had to kind of rein them in so I could ask you a couple of questions that apparently didn't occur to them."

"What kind of questions?" Fai felt his heart start to pound again. He didn't want to talk about this. He just didn't. What was there to talk about? He'd tried to control it, he hadn't, and now they'd found out and it was all over. Maybe there was some relief in that, but he didn't want to look at all their faces and hear all the words he'd had for himself this past year coming out of their mouths instead of his own.

"I want to ask you if you're happy," Kurogane said bluntly, his mouth a grim line.

Fai blinked, wondered if Kurogane was an idiot, and then he just laughed.

"Are you happy with the drugs? Are you happy on your own? That's what I want to know. Is it something you do for fun? Does it make a difference to you that everyone out there is pretty devastated?"

Fai gaped at him.

"I'm pretty sure this is something else," Kurogane said, still grim. "I'd like to think I know you well enough to know that you're not totally cavalier about this and you're upset that you've upset them. But I need to hear you say it."

Fai had thought his arms weighed a thousand pounds each, but one of his hands lifted up all by itself, like floating. Trying to organize his thoughts around the sickness and the pain was a lot like trying to catch dandelion fluff out of the air, so it wasn't surprising that his hand could float, somehow. It was reaching for Kurogane, but he made it go back down because that was stupid of his hand. Kurogane wasn't going to want that.

Kurogane saw it, and he grabbed Fai's hand tight. "Just say something," he murmured.

Fai was shaking. "Does it matter?" he whispered.

"Does what matter?"

"Either I'm an asshole who casually uses illegal drugs for recreation and doesn't care if it hurts people, or I'm an absolute idiot who's doing this out of some seriously flawed judgement. Either way, I'm stupid and a waste of time and I've lost you and I've lost the band so why does it matter—?" He was choking on it, and had to stop.

"It matters," Kurogane said, not letting go of his hand. "Because I don't want to let you go, and I won't unless you tell me I have to."

Fai blinked, fast and hard. He was not going to cry. He wasn't. He didn't deserve to. "What?"

"You're not a bad person, Fai. I'm pretty sure you think you are, but you aren't. How you got here, that's something to consider, but it's not the only thing about you that I know."

"What, Kurogane? What do you know?" His chest ached far more deeply than his lungs. He couldn't hear this. He just couldn't. Traitorous mouth, asking questions.

"I know you like Buster Keaton and Ginger Rogers. I know you like hot cocoa more than you like coffee. I know you love cooking your mom's old recipes. I know that you've got music in your veins instead of blood. I know Sakura is closer to you than she's been to anyone since Syaoran died. I know that you've been single-parenting some twins for the past three years, and I'm pretty sure you're their mother, and I know they feel safer with you than they ever did with their real parents. I know that when I'm with you, I feel—"

Kurogane stopped talking. Fai turned his head away and told himself again that he wouldn't cry. Whatever Kurogane had felt was gone.

"I'm still trying to name what I feel around you," he said after a moment. "The point I'm trying to make is that there's a lot more to you than cocaine, and I just want to hear you say that you know it, too."

Fai shoved Kurogane off the bed and tried to ignore how much his arms shook. Kurogane managed to catch himself without getting hurt, and popped back up with an annoyed growl.

"Get out," Fai whispered. "Just get out. I can't—"

"I had another question."

"Oh god, what?"

"Have you ever exposed my baby sister to danger by putting her in the room with a drug dealer or giving one any idea that you could be hurt through her?"

"What? No! I would fucking never, ever do that. I can't believe you'd fucking even ask that, Sakura is—"

Kurogane was giving him a smug look. "Important to you?"

Fai glared at him.

"She's waiting out there for a chance to come rushing in here and tell you that she loves you and wants to help you. Fai, I'm gonna ask this one more time. Do you fucking want help?"

He couldn't fight it anymore, didn't want to, because he was tired and sad and alone and he was so sick of feeling that way and it was time to just let someone else help for once, and he sobbed, "Yes."

He was wrapped in Kurogane's arms before he knew it. The bigger man was careful not to disturb the oxygen tubes in his nose or the IV drip in his arm or the sensor on his finger, but he wasn't gentle about the embrace. He had Fai wrapped up as tight as he could without ruining Fai's ability to breathe. Being upright made his head spin, and he groaned.

"Yes, fuck, I do, Kurogane, please, oh god please don't go I don't want to do this by myself anymore, I don't, I can't—"

"Not going anywhere," Kurogane muttered.

Fai shuddered and tried very hard not to cough again, but he couldn't help it and he spattered blood onto Kurogane's shirt. He was choking. He was drowning. Oh god he was dying, he felt like he was dying—

"Fai!"

He was dumped onto the bed.

"We need help in here!" Kurogane was hollering into the hallway. "He's choking, he's fucking choking, hurry up!"

Then he was back, pushing Fai upright and bracing hands on him to lean him forward without letting him fall. Fai was coughing so hard he thought his ribs would crack.

"Breathe," Kurogane said urgently. "Fai, stay with me. Breathe, dammit."

He was trying to, but he was drowning. Everything was white and it all hurt again. He wanted to go back to sleep now.

---

Subaru watched Fai's chest moving, his game forgotten on his cell phone as it sat loosely in his hand. Fai was breathing, and that was pretty miraculous. He was more interested in seeing that right now than anything.

He'd stabilized enough that they were letting people back into his room. They said visiting hours only, but the entire nursing staff recognized the whole band on sight now and didn't try to dislodge them from the waiting area if they showed up after hours. They figured that when Fai regained consciousness, whenever that was, he'd probably like to see a familiar face.

They'd vacuumed his lungs, apparently. It was completely disgusting, according to Kurogane. In all the confusion and urgency, nobody had actually bothered to get rid of him, so he'd gotten to see what they sucked out of Fai. He'd looked sort of haunted as he reported it all to them, so they hadn't pressed for details. They had tried pressing him for information about the conversation just before that, but Kurogane had been pretty close-lipped about it. He just said Fai needed and wanted help and that was all that was important right now.

Subaru had finally stopped crying, at least.

He'd been crying off and on since the night of the concert, really. He was pretty sure he'd lost his brand-new job because he'd cried so hard during one of his shifts that they'd had to send him home and he'd said he might not be able to come back for a few days. It was December. You didn't take emergency leave from customer service jobs in December. He was probably fired.

He couldn't help it, though. He just kept thinking this was his fault. He didn't have to tell them what he'd found in Fai's bathroom. He could have tried to confront Fai in private. He should have somehow been more trustworthy to Fai before this. He should have already known. He should have been able to do something about this months ago. None of them should have let Fai put so much pressure on himself over this concert that he got so sick. There were so many things to feel guilty about that Subaru barely knew where to start.

That wasn't even getting into how much Subaru didn't want to lose him. Fai had become something more than just a friend, and Subaru hadn't even realized it until Fai was being rushed away in an ambulance. Fai was family, somehow. And he'd let him down. Subaru had let him down, or this wouldn't have happened.

The atmosphere in the room shifted strangely, and Subaru looked up with a gasp. Fai's blue eyes blinked at him.

"Hey, kiddo," he rasped. "I think I might have scared you a little. Sorry."

Subaru's tears were all spent, it seemed. The grief was there, ever-present, but he didn't have anything left for crying.

"Fai, I'm sorry," he murmured. "This is my fault, I shouldn't have—"

"No," Fai interrupted him immediately. "No, don't do that. You always do that."

"Do what?"

"Think stuff is your fault. It's not. Listen, I'm glad you found the drugs, and I'm glad you told them. Okay? It's . . . going to be better this way. I'm kind of glad it's all out in the open."

"I could have been a better friend," Subaru said, anxious that Fai should understand his shortcomings and not think of himself as the only person to blame. "I could have been somebody you could talk to."

"Oh, Subaru," Fai sighed. "No. I was just . . . I've got a lot of fucked-up ideas about myself to sort out. That's not your fault. I thought I could handle this on my own, without hurting you, and I couldn't and my inability to do it has hurt you more than anything."

Subaru sighed, and Fai just laid still and breathed carefully, and then Subaru shook his head.

"You know?" he said slowly. "Maybe let's stop trying to figure out whose fault it is."

Fai looked like he wanted to laugh, but he didn't. He was probably a little afraid to, after what happened last time he woke up.

"I'd rather just talk about how glad I am that you're awake and I get to see you again. Fai, I was so scared. I thought I would lose you."

"No great loss," Fai murmured.

"Don't you dare say that," Subaru snapped. He was surprised by himself, but his therapist kept telling him not to apologize for his feelings and to let himself get angry if he wanted to be angry. So he kept going anyway. "Don't you dare try to say that you're not important to me, or to the others, because you are. We care about you. You don't get to get close to us and then try to turn around and say we wouldn't miss you! You're . . . Fai, you've meant so much to me and Kamui, don't you know that? You're family to me."

Fai rasped out a very weak chuckle. "According to Kurogane, I'm your mother."

Mother. He had one of those, but she hadn't done a good job and he hadn't known how badly he wished there had been someone else. A mom, a real one. It felt like something was breaking in him, but maybe it was something that needed to be broken, because it felt kind of good. Maybe Fai was the closest he'd ever get to having a mother who truly cared about him and supported him. Maybe that was pretty damn close.

"Would you be?" Subaru asked. Oops, there were the tears, he found them. "Would you be, if you could?"

Fai's face was sinking into a terrible grief. "I have fucked up beyond belief, haven't I?" he murmured. "Subaru, you can't want me to be your family. I'm an idiot. And a drug addict."

"You're my family," was all Subaru could say. "And I love you."

Fai covered his eyes with his hand. "I love you too, kiddo. I'm so sorry. Hey, come here."

Subaru pulled his chair close to the bed so Fai could hold his hand.

"At some point I need you to tell me exactly how bad things are out there," Fai said. "But I think for now I'd just like to pretend nothing exists outside of this room. Just you and me, okay?"

Subaru squeezed his hand. "We can do that if you want, but it's not so bad."

"It isn't?"

"We didn't tell anybody. The only person who knows except the band is the doctor who treated you when you came in. Nobody at Piffle knows, and it's not getting out to the media. We want you to be safe. This is already going to be hard enough without having to deal with that."

"What are you going to tell Piffle, or the media, or whoever?"

"You've got pneumonia, Fai. Isn't that enough?"

"I mean, what are you going to tell them about me leaving the band?"

Subaru's heart skipped a beat, and he had to take a few deep breaths before he could even speak. He honestly hadn't seen that coming. "Fai, why are you leaving the band? What's wrong?"

"What do you mean, what's wrong?"

"I mean, why would you quit? Is that what's been making you so withdrawn? You don't want to do this anymore? Oh my god, Fai, why wouldn't you say . . . But I thought. I just thought, you know, that you loved doing this. We all thought you . . ."

"Am I . . . not kicked out?"

That was when Sakura suddenly walked into the room. None of them thought Fai would regain consciousness for at least a few more hours, and Subaru suddenly realized that she had said she'd be here around this time so he could go home and shower and get something to eat. He didn't have the ability to focus on her, though. He was too busy being completely floored.

"What?" Subaru gasped. "No. What? Kicked out?"

"Isn't that . . . aren't you guys, um, really disgusted and disappointed and everything? I'm not exactly reliable, and I'm going to pull you guys down, so . . ."

Sakura stomped her way over to the bed in her gigantic boots. "Fai, oh my god."

"What?"

"We love you, stupid, that's what," she said fiercely. "Did you really think we were just going to drop you over this?"

"I . . . um . . ."

Subaru slapped his hand over his face in exasperation. He could hardly judge Fai for feeling that way, because he'd probably feel the same if the roles were reversed. But it was so silly. Right after he'd finished saying how much he needed Fai in his life?

"Fai, no. There is no Paper Cranes without you, there just isn't. We'd never leave you behind, no matter what. Who the hell else is going to write the songs and sing them, huh?"

"Kurogane," Fai replied promptly.

They both stared at him.

He shrugged. "He might keep saying he doesn't want to perform again, but take it from the guy who's been dating him: he misses music. He's really talented. For fuck's sake, half of this band was his first. I kinda saw this coming someday, anyway. So it's fine. Let him take over. You don't have to be nice to me just because I'm in the hospital. I know how this goes. It's been great to work with me, but I'm not what the band needs anymore."

Sakura burst into tears. "I can't believe you really think that," she said.

Subaru wasn't sure who needed his comfort more. He wished it was possible to hug himself, at this point. He put a hand on Sakura's back as a substitute.

"Fai, you and Kurogane should probably like, actually talk about that, because clearly you haven't, but I promise you right now that it's never going to happen like that. Leaving aside what Kurogane might or might not want, that's not going to happen. Because like Subaru said: there's no Paper Cranes without you. We wouldn't be us. You're part of us, and we could never be the same without you. You matter to us. You have an amazing gift, and we love sharing it with you. I could never get on stage and say I'm part of the Paper Cranes if you weren't up there with me."

Fai was crying.

"I'm not going to lie and say nobody's disappointed over this. But Fai, we're not stupid. We all know you don't just trip over a crack in the sidewalk and fall into drug addiction, and you're not crazy enough to have done it on purpose. You needed help, and you didn't get it, and we're disappointed in ourselves for that. We're not really thrilled that you made bad choices, okay? But if you say you're sorry, then we believe you."

"Oh god, I am," Fai choked. "I am so, so sorry."

"We want to help you. We want you back, the old Fai, the one who trusts us and wants to spend time with us and isn't tired and sad and anxious all the time. We love you no matter what. But I can't tell you how much we want you to be happy and healthy."

Sakura was clinging to Subaru's hand, but he peeled her off so he could go to Fai. He sat down beside him on the bed and drew him into a hug.

"I can't imagine playing without you," he murmured, his heart aching. "I can't imagine you not being around. I'm going to do whatever I have to do to make sure I don't lose you. Tell me what you need, Fai. Just tell us what you need and we'll do everything we can to make sure you get it."

Fai didn't say anything, not then. He just grabbed Subaru in a bruising grip and wouldn't let go until he grew exhausted and fell asleep again.

---

Fai kept waking up and finding members of the band in the room, and he was getting less and less surprised as it kept happening. It was only a matter of time before he'd be confronted by the newest member, so he should have expected her at some point. He offered Tomoyo a weak smile as he blinked his way awake.

"Hi," Tomoyo said brightly, barely even looking up from the fuzzy pink yarn and knitting needles that were doing a complicated dance in her lap. "Welcome to consciousness."

"Thanks? I guess. I'm thrilled to be here?"

"Are you?" she asked, raising one eyebrow.

He winced. "Nope. Should we dive right into the conversation about how pissed you are and how you're not joining the band after all, or should we attempt pleasantries first?"

She let the needles rest and looked at him. "I am brimming with pleasantries, you know. Fai, I don't want to talk about anger and what's going to happen with the band at the moment. I want to tell you that you're loved and cared for and I'm here for you. You're probably tired of hearing that, by now, but I wanted you to know it includes me."

"I am tired of hearing that," he blurted out. "I need to know where everybody stands and what they think and I can't relax and nobody wants to talk about it, they just keep saying that they love me and I need more than that."

His chest was heaving.

"Can I have some water?" he asked meekly.

"I'll ask," Tomoyo said, giving him a genuine smile like she hadn't even heard his outburst. She set her yarn down and went to the door to call down at the nurse's station. "They'll bring some in just a second," she answered as she came back in.

Fai frowned. "I haven't peed in days. Oh god, am I on a catheter?"

Tomoyo's face froze in a parody of the original smile. "I don't know. I can ask about that too. I would walk around the side of the bed and check, but I'd rather not know if I don't have to."

"No, I didn't ask that," he said desperately, making wild hand gestures designed to reel the question back in. "Life is fine without knowing the answer to that question, woohoo."

Tomoyo was giggling into her hand. Fai wanted the bed to sink into the floor and disappear.

"So," she said, changing the subject back to where they'd started, "I guess I can understand why you are feeling a little uneasy, but I'm not sure you understand how everybody else is feeling. Fai, you almost died."

"I almost what?"

"Did you not realize that?"

"I've been a little out of it? But maybe I should have guessed things were pretty serious when they stuck a hose into my chest."

"Your fever spiked at one hundred and five right after we got you here. The doctors told us you might not make it through the night. You barely regained consciousness at all for two days. From what I hear, they just took you off oxygen this morning? So we all got a little freaked out, I think. That's why none of us will leave until the next person shows up. We just want someone to be here with you, telling you how much we love you, all the time."

"What, around the clock?"

"I think Kurogane hasn't exactly . . . slept. Recently. Also, guess who was here just before me?"

"Kurogane?"

"No, some guy named Shizuka. He says he thinks you're dumber than the guys he dates. I don't know what that means, but he says you will. He also says he'll come back soon so he can tell you in person that you're not allowed to die."

Fai chuckled, and winced. Yep, that still hurt.

"So, you really don't want to talk about how bad I screwed everything up for you? What have you told Joffrey?"

"I haven't told Joffrey anything, love," she replied calmly, returning to her knitting. "I didn't know if there was a band for me to leave them for."

"And if there is?"

"I decided to work with you for a lot of reasons, and most of them haven't changed. If there's a band, I want in on it."

"I . . . I think there's a band," he said cautiously. "Although we might be taking a little break right now."

She tittered. "A little break sounds like a good idea."

"So what are you knitting?"

"A hat."

"I thought you didn't really like to wear pink."

She shrugged, but her cheeks were flushing. "It's not for me."

"Who's it for?" He knew who it was for. He knew it.

"Sakura said she accidentally lost her favourite hat at school, so I'm making her one for a Christmas present. I needed something to do with my hands, and I didn't think the nurses would appreciate me practicing violin in here."

"Oh, it's for Sakura," Fai said, his voice lilting. He grinned and she blushed harder.

"So?"

"So you like her," he crooned. "I knew it, I knew it, I am good—"

"Ugh, stop," she groaned. "This is my first crush on a straight girl and I want to mope in peace."

He couldn't stop grinning. He was just so happy that there was something to feel happy about. He'd hoped, suspected, believed, and here it was. His two best girls.

"Oh, sweetie, I'm not saying she's not straight, but I'm not not saying it either. She hasn't said anything to me. But I have heard rumors."

Tomoyo perked right up at that. "What kind of rumors?"

"I can't say. Just give it a try? For me?"

"Pfffttt," she muttered, still blushing. "If I give it a try, I'm doing it for me, buddy."

---

Fai was alone when Kurogane arrived at the hospital, which was so unusual that he actually blurted out, "Where is everybody?"

Fai chuckled as he muted the television. "Touya was here a few minutes ago, but I kicked him out."

"What did he do?" Kurogane asked suspiciously. He loved Touya too deeply to express, but the guy was occasionally a little ruthless. Not like Fai wasn't capable of defending himself. But hell, the guy was basically at rock bottom right now, and Kurogane was allowed to feel a little over-protective.

"Nothing," Fai said, but there was an amused smile on his face.

"What?"

"It was just a funny conversation. He said, 'I can't fire you because I'm not your boss, but I am telling you that you'd better not fuck this up because Kurogane is my family and I kill people for my family.' I think I just got some twisted version of the shovel speech."

Kurogane groaned. "He's got shitty timing."

Fai just chuckled again, but he was doing that thing where he didn't think it was funny at all and he was only laughing because he didn't want anybody to know how upset he was. Kurogane really hated that thing. "It's pointless, now."

"Why?"

"I kind of figured you were breaking up with me."

Kurogane sighed. Deeply. "You're assuming shit again. How have you not learned at any time during the five days you have been in the hospital that you cannot assume this shit?"

"For one thing, I was unconscious the first three days. And for another, are you seriously not breaking up with me?"

Kurogane dropped into the chair and ran his hands through his hair. "I don't . . . know."

"Then maybe I'm breaking up with you," Fai said shortly.

"No, look, it's just . . . I don't actually know what's going on with you. At all. I don't know where your head is at, or what your plans are after you're released from the hospital. I don't know what you want or need from me. I don't know what I want or need from you. I'm not saying I don't want to speak to you ever again. I'm saying I don't know."

"Then what are you even doing here?" Fai muttered.

Kurogane might try to deny that it hurt out loud, but he didn't lie in the privacy of his own mind. It hurt. He wanted Fai to talk to him about this, and here he was shutting him out again.

"You kicking me out, too?"

Fai sighed and stabbed the power button on his television remote to turn the whole thing off. "I just wanted to be alone. I've had company every second I've been awake, and it's been one emotional shitshow after another. I seriously just wanted a break."

Kurogane stood up, feeling both angry and absurdly guilty. "Yeah, I get that. Sorry I came at a bad time. I'll come back later."

"No, Kurogane . . ." Fai sighed. Deeply. "Stay. Please?"

Kurogane didn't even know if he should, but he sat back down.

"I'm a grumpy fuck," Fai said plainly. "Because I'm going through withdrawal and nobody's giving me any space. So I'm sorry if I'm being mean."

Kurogane felt his mouth twist up into a smile. "Yeah, I get that, too. Really, if you want space, I can come back later."

"It's oddly easy to forget that you have been through something like this," Fai said, his face blanching with sudden guilt.

Kurogane shrugged it off. AA, grief counseling, meditation with Shizuka, it had all added up to give him a lot of that fabled serenity about shit in his life. He was grateful for it. He knew he'd been an angry kid, an angry young man, and maybe he'd rather have found the whole inner peace thing some other, less painful way. But at least he could be the steady one, now. Somebody had to be. And he knew better, now, than to let shame about his past keep him from speaking up when he needed to.

"I've lost family. I've been under a lot of pressure to succeed. I've been through addiction. That doesn't mean I know how you feel or what you need right now. I want to help, but you have to tell me what that looks like. Honestly, our future as a couple is the last thing you probably need to be thinking about right now. I'm okay with putting that off, for a while, if you are. I . . . I'm your friend, Fai. Okay?"

Fai wouldn't look at him.

"It's okay if you don't want to talk right now. If you really want me to stay, we can chill out and watch t.v. If you want me to go, that's okay."

Fai shook his head. "I haven't— I don't know, I've been trying to think, but it's been hard to do. About what I want to do, I mean."

"Fai, where did this come from?" Shit, he hadn't meant to ask that. He really hadn't. "Seriously, it's just . . . none of us understand, and we want to. I want to. Why? What happened?"

Fai was definitely not looking at him. "I was using in college. For a while. I was able to get clean on my own, and I stayed that way for a long time. This year, though. Just, fuck. This year has been really hard on me, and we were out on tour and I couldn't afford some kind of breakdown, so I just . . . did it. And I was trying to get clean again, I've been trying ever since we got back, I thought I was— but then we got invited to the concert and I just— I t-tried . . ."

"They put a lot of pressure on you, but only because you let them," Kurogane said, as gently as he could. He didn't know whether to be upset at what he was hearing, or just over the moon that Fai was finally opening up. Then he just dove headfirst into the reason he was here. "Fai, the kids told me what you said. About how you thought I'd take over the band."

Fai winced, but didn't say anything.

"That's been on your mind for a long time, hasn't it? You've been going along thinking that if you step one toe out of place or write one song that doesn't go over well, and you're out. You think I'm just sitting around waiting for you to screw up so I can take over or something. Don't you?"

"Can I have some water?" Fai muttered.

There was a tall plastic cup with a straw sitting on the sliding table thing. Kurogane grabbed it and held it out for him. His hands were shaking, so Kurogane kept hold of it and put it close to his mouth so he could drink. He did, but his eyes were closed and there was a sickened look on his face.

"Obviously I can't fucking handle the stress of the job," Fai said after he was satiated, or finished stalling, or both. "And it's pretty obvious to me, even if it's not to you, that you really do miss playing and singing. This was your dream before it was mind. I know you needed some time away from it, but—"

"I'm gonna stop you there," Kurogane said dully. "Fuck. I guess I thought Touya would have told you all of this already. But that was dumb of me, because he wouldn't tell people my business like that."

"What are you talking about?"

This was really the last thing Kurogane wanted to be talking about, not right now, not when he'd been scared that Fai was going to die only two days ago. This conversation didn't really get easier over time, and having it with this man in particular was going to be brutal. But it had to be done, and he saw that now. He had wanted to put it off, or maybe never have it at all and just trust Fai to start understanding him in spite of that. Maybe that was dumb of him.

"You've been around my family so much that I honestly figured you must have picked up most of this for yourself, but I shouldn't have assumed that. I had no idea you were going to come up with something as harebrained as this, so I didn't think I needed to talk about this with you until I was . . . ready."

"You don't have to," Fai said, and his face was soft. "Whatever it is, it's hurting you. My idiotic ideas and my emotional meltdowns are my own problem, and you don't need to be hurting yourself to fix it."

Kurogane blew out a breath, and found another wry smile on his face. "You still think you're a bad person?"

Fai made a face at him.

"No, seriously. You've gotten this really wrong, and just, fuck, I don't know. Fai, I really— you are— Shit. I want you to know this. I want you to know everything about me, eventually. I want . . . well, that can wait. For now, we're having this conversation."

He wanted a life. With this guy. With this stupid guy who hurt himself so badly just trying to keep other people happy. Who cared so fucking deeply that he couldn't even cope with it. Kurogane didn't know how they could possibly make this work, the two of them, but he wanted it. If it was even possible anymore.

"I don't want there to be any room for doubt in your mind, after this. About me ever wanting your job, I mean. For one thing, there is no Paper Cranes without Fai Fluorite, and everybody knows it. For another, I just do not want it. Are you okay for a while? Do you need to rest, or can you listen to this?"

"I can listen," Fai answered, but only after a long moment of hesitation. The hesitation kind of made Kurogane feel better, because at least Fai was taking it seriously.

There was nothing for it but to just start. "I wanted to be in a rock band ever since I was twelve years old." He fumbled for more words. "I finally felt like I could do it when I was about seventeen and realized the music I was writing was pretty good. I already had talented friends."

"Touya and Yukito."

"Yeah. I thought we had everything we needed. Good musicians and my serious attitude problem."

Fai giggled a little.

"We started college, but we dropped out after a year. We were getting recognized. You know that. You said you were there."

Fai nodded, which meant he'd been at one of their open mic nights or some dingy club where they played to an audience of seventy. They had bigger performances after the record deal, but not many.

"The others were having fun, but I was not in a good place. To be honest, the band itself wasn't good for me. I was using the work and the music to cover up a lot of things I should have been dealing with. A lot of anger and hurt. It made good music, but it didn't make a good person."

"You really think you're not?" Fai asked, looking oddly devastated.

Kurogane could barely begin to answer that. "Tch. I'm glad you didn't know me back then. I was an asshole."

"Somehow, I can believe that," Fai said dryly.

"Thanks a lot."

"Sorry for interrupting. Keep going."

"Yeah, fine. So. I was an alcoholic, something that had been coming since I first started partying back when I was in high school. I knew it. Everyone knew it. It was affecting my performances and it was affecting my family. I wasn't showing up to practices when I said I would. I was unprepared for our shows. I was leaving Syaoran hanging when I said I'd be around. I was drunk . . . all the time. It was just what I thought I had to do."

"Why?" Fai whispered.

Kurogane didn't want to answer that, but he was sitting here having this conversation with someone who had desperately clung to him and begged for help with his own drug problems just two days ago. Fai needed to feel understood, and there weren't any support groups that met in hospital rooms. Hell, he'd talked about this with complete strangers at AA meetings, already. Maybe just this once he could manage to do it for the sake of somebody he cared about.

"I didn't know how to be cared about. I didn't know how to believe that I deserved it. I had to push it all away and pick fights and distract myself. There was so much pain and frustration in me and I didn't know how to get it out of me."

He ground the heels of his hands into his eyes. Fuck, this still hurt. It wasn't fair that it could still hurt this much.

"I was just so damn afraid all the time. That I wasn't good enough, that I would never be good enough. That I didn't deserve good things, normal things, that I would never measure up or get it right. That my whole existence was only justified if I gave myself away. I was just a total fucking mess."

"Oh, god, Kurogane. Stop. It's okay. I— I get it." Fai covered his mouth with his hand, and Kurogane was afraid for a minute that he'd start coughing, that he'd choke again, but he just let out a whimpering cry. "Fuck, I'm sorry. But I . . . that's what it's like, that's so much what it's like. I hate myself so much for fucking up, but I can't stop believing that's all I'm capable of doing. I get it. You can stop."

Kurogane shook his head, even though something in his chest was breaking. "I don't want to stop. I really want you to know what happened, and I want you to understand. This is something I haven't talked about with anyone who didn't already know me, before."

"Is that you asking me to keep this to myself?"

Kurogane glared at him. "I know you'll keep this to yourself, smartass. I'm saying this is fucking hard because you're gonna know what my rock bottom looks like after this and it's hard to think about losing your respect because it means a lot to me."

Fai let out a sharp bark of laughter. "Oh, god, sorry. It's just, I can't believe you're saying that to me. I'm the one who nearly died of pneumonia because I genuinely believed my friends cared more about the success of the concert than my personal wellbeing. Actually, let's face it, I nearly died of pneumonia because of the complications brought on by illegal substance abuse. I don't know what you're going to tell me that's supposed to be worse than that."

Kurogane gave him a frank look. "You telling me you respect yourself?"

Fai went very quiet for a moment. "Okay, point made," he said softly. "But I'd still like to hear what you have to say. I believe that I will still respect you afterwards."

Kurogane nodded, because his choices were stop or keep going and he hadn't come this far to stall out. "So. I was supposed to drive my brother and Sakura home from that show."

The way Fai's eyes went wide told Kurogane that he knew which show Kurogane meant. The last show they ever played. He looked right into Fai's eyes, because he wasn't about to flinch away from the truth. It hurt like hell, but it had happened and there was no changing that, just accepting it.

"I was drunk on stage. I made a mess of the show. Syaoran and I got into a fight, a really ugly fight, and he had to call one of his buddies from high school to pick them up. The kid had gotten his license maybe a week before that. It was late, the road was covered in ice. Me, I knew how to handle road conditions like that. I could have gotten them home safely."

He had to pause for breathing. It had been a while since he had to focus on breathing, long enough that he'd thought he didn't need to do it anymore. But the stuff Shizuka had taught him was still there, ingrained in him. He counted the seconds for each breath and focused on the sound. Fai stayed patient and quiet until he was ready to continue.

"My brother is dead because I was too drunk and too angry to drive him home," Kurogane said. It was literally the first time he'd ever had to say it aloud, and he clutched at the tattoo on his chest like that could make it hurt less. "It took me years to finally realize that I wasn't supposed to have as much responsibility over that kid as I did have, and that's on our mom for being a crappy parent. But it doesn't change the fact that I had a responsibility that night, and I blew it being selfish. Sakura was in traction for six weeks and in a physical therapy clinic for six more. I got to apologize to her for not being responsible, and I got her forgiveness for the fact that she's disabled because of that. But my baby brother died on impact and I never got to tell him I was sorry."

Fai was crying, silent tears streaming down his face. Kurogane still wasn't able to cry when he talked about the accident. He wanted to be able to, someday. Syaoran deserved tears, when he managed to find them.

"I lost it, Fai. You know, it, the music, the thing that makes you wake up at three a.m. to write down lyrics. Maybe it was just part of all that anger, because I lost that, too. For a while there, my whole world was guilt and grief and just— feeling like I was not allowed to have anything good ever again."

Fai grabbed his hand, and Kurogane realized that Fai knew that feeling just as well as he did. He wasn't quite finished talking, but at least what he had to say from here wasn't as hard to say.

"Now, I'm better if you want to call it that. I've worked hard to be. I feel like I'm allowed to have my own family and be happy and stop punishing myself. But getting back on stage?" He snorted. "I don't even want it. I don't know how to want it. I lost that, it's gone. I don't want it back. Do I miss playing music? Yeah, kinda. Someday I want to work on that and maybe get to where I can play a guitar again. Do I miss being on stage and performing? Not at all. I never want to do that again."

Fai held his hand silently for a few minutes, then he started whispering something to himself. It took Kurogane a minute to make sense of the hissing syllables.

"You idiot, you idiot, you idiot . . ."

"Fai."

"I am so sorry," he blurted out. "I am such an idiot and I can't believe I made you have to relive all that pain when I know how bad it feels. I am such a piece of shit—"

Kurogane pinched the skin on his hand.

"Ow!"

"I'd totally punch you if you weren't in the hospital," Kurogane said severely. "You didn't make me do anything, so knock it off. We needed that. If we have any hope of a relationship after this, even friendship, we had to do that. There's no way we could move forward if you spent the whole time believing I was going to force you out of your own band or just . . . not knowing who I really am. And that band is yours. Even Touya and Yukito would tell you that."

"Oh, god, Kurogane, I'm so sorry," Fai said. "I just . . . wish you hadn't gone through that, I wish you hadn't suffered like that, I wish— I'm glad you're better now. You're so much stronger than I am."

Kurogane pinched his hand again, harder this time.

"Fucking ow!"

"Comparisons are bullshit and I know you're not weak, so it's time to prove it."

Fai's eyes went a little darker at that. "Prove it how?"

"You can't go back and fix anything that happened before. And you don't need to tell me what it all was. The only thing you can do is sit still, or move forward. What's it going to be?"

Fai gave him a sickly smile. "I'm going to rehab. I'm already looking at clinics."

"When?"

"As soon as I can. I . . . I'm scared. The hospital wants to release me on Christmas Eve, and there isn't anything open for new patients until after the New Year. I don't want to be by myself, I don't want to go home, I just— fuck."

Kurogane nodded. "No, it's okay. I get that. What about the twins?"

"I don't want to let them down, but I don't want them to feel like it's their job to— to babysit me. If I— If I slip up, I don't want them ever thinking it was their fault."

Kurogane wasn't sure this was a great idea, but he said it anyway. "You want me to stay at your place with you?"

Fai looked startled. Yeah, no shit he looked startled. Physically, they hadn't even moved off his damn front porch yet. Maybe Fai didn't want to let him hang out in the house because he didn't want Kurogane discovering drugs, but Kurogane had thought it was more about them just not being ready to be that physical yet.

"I'm talking about sleeping on your couch or something," Kurogane confirmed. "We're not exactly in a good place to make that decision right now."

Fai just gave him a bewildered look. "I don't even know what place we're in? Are you seriously still interested in me?"

Kurogane just made Fai shift over so he could stretch out beside him on the bed. He was careful not to disturb any of Fai's delightful medical accessories. Fai smelled sweaty and like chemicals and he really needed to wash his hair, but Kurogane pressed his face close and breathed him in despite that.

"If you still are," he finally said. "Then yeah."

He hadn't noticed that Fai was shivering until he was so close. His skin felt damp and clammy, too.

"Fever or withdrawal?" he murmured, sliding an arm behind him and holding him closer.

Fai's teeth were chattering. "What's the difference?" Then he whimpered. "Oh gooooood. Definitely withdrawal. I forgot how much this sucks."

"I got you," Kurogane said, rubbing Fai's cold bare arms. "You can ride this out. You can do this. What can I do to help?"

"Just. I don't know. Can you turn on the t.v.? The noise is kind of nice. But not a lot of noise? Too loud gives me a headache."

"Yeah, I can do that," Kurogane said, and reached for the remote.

"Just do that, and don't go anywhere."

"I'm not. I'm right here."

---

(five years ago)

"Just take them," Fai said, dangling the keys in front of Souma's face. "You can even drive it, if you want. I just need to know where it is without actually having access to it, okay?"

"Fai, I have never understood you and I never will," Souma said frankly, and snatched the keys away. "How long?"

"A week, maybe?" Fai guessed. He had no idea. None.

"Fine, whatever. But at least text me or something."

"Yeah, I will. Souma . . . thank you."

Fai left his coworker frowning at him and exited the bar. He'd finally moved his way up to bartender and was working behind the counter with Souma because the money was way better than waiting tables. He'd practiced really hard before they'd let him start working back there, but he'd done it. And now he was taking a week off, and he didn't know if it was going to hurt him, if they'd stick him back to waiting tables for it. Souma might even push for it. She was going to be working extra hard to make up for his absence.

But he had to do it. Even if it was kind of stupid, even if he could just tell her he wanted the car back anytime, or take the bus, or whatever. He just really hoped that taking whatever measures he could would add up.

He called Ashura on his walk home.

"Hello?"

"Ashura?" he murmured, feeling like a little kid.

"Mr. Fai Fluorite, I haven't heard your voice in far too long. I'm glad you called."

"Yeah, I'm—I'm sorry, things have been kinda messed up," Fai mumbled.

There was a long silence, and then Ashura suddenly made a choking noise. "Your mom passed, didn't she?"

"Yeah. The hospital called me about half an hour ago."

"Oh, Fai, I'm so sorry. What can I do?"

"Ashura, I need help," he squeezed out. "I don't know how to plan a funeral. I don't know what to do. How do I even start? I . . ."

"Your mom already took care of all that," Ashura broke in. "I helped her, actually. Fai, you don't need to worry about a thing, you understand? Your mom didn't want to put that on you. She already had a plan and had the money set aside for it, and she told me exactly how to handle things."

"She did?" All that time she was sick, suffering . . . she'd been worried about him and his screw-ups and he'd felt so, so guilty for that. He hadn't even known how much she was worrying about him. "Oh, Mom."

"I'm going to schedule the service for six days from now, okay? You don't need to do anything except be there. I'll handle the arrangements. If you want to be involved, you have every right. But if you want this week to be alone and grieve for your mom, you can do that, too. I'll handle it."

"Ashura—" he choked.

He didn't know what to say. Ashura shouldn't have to do this. Ashura was going to be grieving too even if Freya was only his friend and not his mother. Fai should be involved and he was a bad son for dumping this off on someone else, wasn't he? But he didn't know what to do, and there was no way he could take care of all those details. Not this week. Not right now.

"Ashura, yes, please. Oh god, thank you."

"You just call me if you need anything, okay?"

"I will."

"Good boy. You're not trying to work this week, are you?"

"No, no, I already told my boss. I was on my home when they called me and all I could think was that I needed to stop at work and tell my boss. So I did that. I'm on my way home now."

"Fai, take care of yourself, please. I'm going to tell everybody not to do the casserole thing and hang on the doorbell bothering you, but you have to promise to take care of yourself."

"I will. Thank you."

"Go home and rest," Ashura said gently. "I loved your mom, and I'm going to miss her very much. I love you, too. Call me."

"Okay," Fai whispered, and hung up.

He took the battery out of his phone as soon as he walked into the house. He left it in the kitchen, and he walked directly to his bathroom. He found the small supply of cocaine he kept in there, and he flushed it down the toilet. He sat down on the bathroom floor and waited for the sweating to start.

And then he endured the week.

He spent a lot of time pacing the house tugging at his hair, or standing in the shower gasping against needling hot spray. He argued with himself, most of the time. He told himself that Mom was dead and he should be focusing on that—that as long as he wasn't actively strung out at the funeral, he'd done well. He didn't need to do this to himself. But it wasn't true, was it? Mom deserved better than that. Mom had put so much of herself into him and he was such a piece of shit for waiting until now to give anything back.

He had to remind himself a lot that Yasha couldn't give him any real comfort. He could go to his apartment and fall into his arms, but ultimately it would be meaningless. Their relationship had been a joke from the beginning. The things Yasha had said were not true and he knew that. But as he shook and cried and screamed his way through the week, he kept thinking about him. The past year of his life had been nothing but one mistake after another, and Yasha . . .

Yasha had never been the problem. Fai was the problem. Yasha was right about him and trying to tell himself otherwise was just putting on blinders so he didn't have to see it.

But he didn't need to be right. Fai could change it, he could fix it. He could. He'd been spending all his time lately cleaning up his messes, and this was just another one that was his responsibility.

He woke up on the morning of his mother's funeral feeling exhausted and hollow. She was gone, and he had ruined everything, and there was nothing for him to get back. But he was clean, because she deserved that. Mom deserved a better son, and all she got was him, and he could at least try to suck less.

He buttoned a white shirt up to his throat and looped a blue tie around. For a second, it felt too noose-like and his hands started shaking. He'd thought about it a hundred times over the week. Who was he fighting for, if Mom was gone and Yasha never cared? Why did it matter if he did anything after the funeral except drive his car into the river?

He jammed the battery back into his phone and waited for it to update. He listened to six different messages from Ashura about the time and place and details of the funeral, and he got on his computer to figure out where he was going. It didn't take long before he was setting out with his black suit jacket slung over his shoulder. Back to the bar. Souma would have left the car there, she wouldn't have taken it home. With any luck, she'd already be coming in to cover the shift he should be working. She often came in early to help Kendappa with paperwork.

He walked into the cool, dark air of the place and stood still for a moment to let his eyes adjust. He was slightly blindsided by Souma throwing herself onto him.

"Fai!"

He rocked, but held steady. He didn't reach out for her to return the embrace. He felt queerly numb. He didn't understand why. Everything this week had hurt so much, so maybe there just wasn't anything left to feel.

"The boss lady told me about your mom," Souma murmured, her hands patting softly at him. It felt weird, like a random kitten just batting him around like a toy. "I'm so sorry, Fai. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he said shortly. "I need the car back now."

She looked him over, the dark suit and the dark circles from not sleeping. She always had sharp eyes and he wondered if she could see the five pounds he'd sweated off and his belt pulled to the last notch. He'd already been losing too much weight lately, and he feared he just looked sick now instead of thin. She definitely could see where he was going in the car, dressed like this on a Thursday.

She looked almost as tired as he did.

"I'm sorry for your loss," she said carefully. "And I want to tell you to take your time coming back to work, but I really kinda hope you don't. I lost my parents a couple of years ago, and it was . . . Going back to work felt better than staying home, honestly."

"I'm sorry that happened to you," he said automatically. He was, but there was a thick wall of cotton batting between his brain and his heart, and he couldn't make the feeling come out in his voice.

"And I just . . . I'm going crazy here without you, Fai. I need you back."

"You need me?"

"Desperately."

Fai nodded, and said, "Tell Kendappa I'll be here for my usual shift tomorrow night, okay?"

The flash of relief in her eyes almost wormed its way through the cotton. "Okay. But only if you're sure."

"I'm sure," he said quickly, surprising himself.

"Then we'll see you tomorrow, Fai. But you let us know if it gets to be too much, if you can't work the whole shift and need to cut out early, okay?"

"Yeah, I will." He caught the car keys when she tossed them up in the air between them. "Thanks, Souma."

"Anytime, buddy."

He got in his car and drove and felt weirder than ever. He'd just promised to be somewhere tomorrow night, even though he was quite certain he'd been thinking about not actually being alive tomorrow. Did that mean he wanted to keep going? Did that mean he thought there was something left to keep working for?

"It just means you're a piece of shit and if somebody needs you, you had better show up because it's all the fucking salvation you're going to get," he said aloud to himself, looking at his gaunt face in his rearview mirror. He laughed, a little too wild to actually sound like laughter.

He called Ashura on the way, just to say he was on the way and say thank you for handling things. Ashura assured him that he wanted to do anything to make this easier for Fai.

It was on the tip of Fai's tongue to ask, "Then could you send all the mourners home so I can be alone with Mom?" but he managed to restrain himself.

Ashura met him at the door and gathered him up into his arms. Fai almost broke there. He wanted so much to tear the cotton away from his heart with desperate, clawing fingers, to scream that he needed him. To scream that after ten years of getting help with his homework and getting music lessons and talking about his day and his dreams and ten years of laughing at their kitchen table while Mom and Kohaku made tea . . . to scream that he needed a father today and could Ashura please, please do that for him?

He didn't. He pressed his face to Ashura's shoulder, took a deep breath, and pulled away.

"Thank you," he said. "I need to . . . I need to do today my own way, and I'm probably gonna look rude to everybody else. I'm sorry."

"They'll understand," Ashura said, with the confidence of the first chair violinist of the Chicago Philharmonic. Half the orchestra was here to mourn her. She'd been first chair cellist for ten years, so that made sense. Fai had never seen the gathered crowd of them as so intimidating before now, though. "You do this however you need to. Did you prepare anything to say during the service? There's some time set aside for you to do that, if you'd like."

"Yeah. It's . . . it's short."

"That's fine."

He'd wanted to write a song, but he couldn't find any music. It seemed to be missing. He hadn't been able to write anything in months. Kohaku was probably going to play something, anyway. He checked the program and saw that Ashura and Kohaku were both going to play Mom's favourite solos for them.

He was wooden the whole time. Kohaku tried to hug him, but he rebuffed her. Tomoyo, just as cute as she'd been a year ago but looking solemn, tried to hold his hand, but he could barely hear what she said.

He needed to be alone. He was supposed to be alone. He'd screwed up and he'd broken Mom's heart so bad when he should have been with her. He'd made so many mistakes. Yeah, he was trying to fix them, of course he was. But these people shouldn't love him as if he hadn't made any. He didn't deserve that. And it was too late. Mom had died before he got it together and she'd never know and he'd never get to fix things with the person who really mattered. What did any of it mean now?

He didn't deserve anything. He wasn't special; he deserved to hurt.

He didn't call Ashura again after the funeral. After countless missed calls and messages, Ashura stopped calling him, too.