A/N: Apologies for being a little more tardy than usual in my updating, a mini heat wave here in Ireland has meant I haven't spent too much time at my computer. I know I promised some of the reviewers that all would be revealed here but there's a little more next chapter before I finish off with some fluffy stuff.

Chapter 35 - Motive

'I want to begin by telling you that I knew Thomas McAllister my whole life. He used to come to the house and play with me, be it a game of cards, a board game or to take me fishing as I got older. When the notion took him he had what you might call a magnetic personality I guess, you couldn't help but be drawn to him. Sometimes he acted differently, of course, more distant and darker perhaps but I learned when he was in those moods to not bother him. I'm not trying to offend you Mr Jane but you know you have the same traits in your personality too, you two are, were, more alike than you'd care to admit.'

Jane shifted in his chair a little. 'Yeah, I've been told that before. When did you find out he was Red John?'

Julia continued, sighing a little, the guard she had so valiantly tried to keep up over the last few days now disappeared, 'Not until after you killed him, my mother told me then.'

Lisbon asked 'How did that make you feel?'

Julia shrugged. 'I'm not sure really. To be honest I wasn't entirely surprised. He taught me how to set traps for animals when I was young. The first time I caught a rabbit I tried to act that I was sorry it was dead but he could see the joy I felt when I touched its lifeless body. He told me not to feel sympathy for the animal and that it was stupid enough to get into the trap in the first place. He said that I should take pride in what I had done instead, that I should allow myself to fully explore the happiness it gave me. After that he began to talk to me more about feelings like that. He must have spoken to my mother and she began to encourage me too. The first time I killed and skinned a deer she was there, she was so proud of me.' Julia's eyes misted over as she recounted the story.

Jane listened intently. It sounded like this woman had obviously always had a tendency to be a murderer but perhaps in a different family situation the propensity could have been diminished instead of amplified. Despite what she had done, it was difficult for him not to feel a little sorry for her. Killing those animals back then was her way of getting attention and love from a mother who most probably never felt it for her in the first place.

Lisbon asked 'Your mother was the one who told you about us?'

Julia nodded. 'Yes, after he died she told me about everything he did and your part in trying to catch him. They had obviously discussed you both in great detail. I wanted to know more about the people who caught him so I found out about your childhoods, backgrounds and how he had outsmarted you both time and time again. My mother also gave me a flash drive that he had kept at our house with all those details, I think it was a kind of diary for them both.'

Lisbon asked 'Do you still have it?'

'No, after I read the information I destroyed it.'

Jane asked 'Why?'

'Dunno really, guess I didn't want to be caught with it on me.'

Jane watched her curiously, he could tell that the drive had been destroyed but there was another reason behind its destruction.

Jane asked 'When it came to college, it was your mother's idea you come here, wasn't it?'

'Yes, she had told me about the criminology course here and wanted me to attend it. She was interested in finding out what they were teaching about him.'

Jane nodded as Lisbon asked 'Did you know we lived in Austin too?'

Julia shook her head. 'Not at that stage, no. I only found out when Professor Vance mentioned your indictment in class about a month ago. I told my mother then but I think now that she already knew that. I think that was part of the reason she wanted me here too.'

Jane said 'Why do you think she didn't divulge that to you?'

Julia shrugged.

Lisbon asked, getting impatient, 'So, what was it about Kerry that made you want to kill her? You intimated before that it had something to do with McAllister never harming me. So, what was it exactly? Some type of retribution for my actions in McAllister's murder?'

'I want to begin by telling you that Kerry was the first person I ever killed. I'm sure it has crossed your minds that I may have done this before but I haven't. I'm not saying I wasn't capable of doing it long before now but Kerry was the first person I met who gave me the opportunity to fulfil that desire. I didn't want to waste my first kill on someone inconsequential, what would be the point of that? I wanted it to be something special for me to hang on to, to choose someone of importance to me.'

Jane sighed. 'What was so important about her, it has to be more than just the fact that her background would have reminded you of what you had heard and read about Lisbon's here?'

'Of course it was more than that. When I first met Kerry I actually quite liked her. Well, maybe like is the wrong choice of word. She amused me, I guess. She was so direct and didn't take any prisoners when it came to class, coursework or guys who used to hit on her. I was quieter and she used try to include me in study groups and the like. In a way, I really came out of my shell because of her.'

Lisbon said 'Sounds like she was a good friend to you, why on earth would you want to kill her?'

Jane answered before Julia had a chance. 'That's partially why, right Julia? She was getting close to you and you've been taught your whole life not to let that happen, not to let anyone in here' he said, pointing to his heart. He continued 'It scared you, didn't it? Believe me, I know the feeling.'

Lisbon glanced at the table, the parallel with what she knew about Jane's childhood and history not lost on her.

Jane asked 'You had told your mother about her. So she encouraged you to do the only thing you could to stop her from getting closer, was that it?'

Julia shook her head, strength back in her voice, 'Let me be straight, I was never afraid of letting her in. If anything, I was angry she thought of me as some type of lost soul that needed befriending. How dare she look at me like that?'

Jane shook his head. 'I doubt that's entirely true, Julia. In truth, you were conflicted, you had been raised to behave and believe in one philosophy and this person was making you question that, make you wonder if you could perhaps change the path you were on and have a different type of life.'

Julia smirked at him. 'We're not all as weak as you Mr Jane. We're not all that easily swayed to begin relying on someone else to make our own lives more fulfilling.' She tilted her head towards Lisbon.

After a few moments, Jane said, 'You said the reason you killed Kerry Matthews was because McAllister didn't kill Lisbon. I often wondered over the years why he didn't but I figured it out and I guess you have too. He threatened it and even came close a couple of times but we both know what would have happened if he had, especially as the years rolled on. Sure he would have won the game with me but he would also have lost his favourite plaything in the process. He knew the devastation I would feel if he took her away from me, that losing her would have finished me off entirely. He knew very well that I wouldn't be able to cope without her.'

Lisbon's heart swelled hearing the words, using all of her willpower to fight off the tears welling up inside of her. It was ironic that the closeness the two of them had formed over the years had perhaps saved her life in the end.

Jane continued 'With Kerry, she had a similar affect on you that Lisbon had on me, you began to feel quickly what it perhaps took me years to recognise, the bond with another person, a person who made your days go quicker and easier, a person who began to make you doubt who you really were inside-'

Julia interrupted him angrily. 'A person who would make you weak, hesitant, cautious, less capable of being that person inside. I agree that you would have crumpled in the later years Mr Jane so he should have done it much sooner, before you felt such an attachment to her.' Julia's gaze shifted to Lisbon, a hard look on her face.

Lisbon glanced back, saying nothing and smiled thinly at her, knowing that would annoy her more than a retort.

Jane sighed, looking around the room. 'Guess that explains why you did what you did, cut off the attachment you were beginning to feel with Kerry before it became too strong. Why did you strangle her? Why that method?'

'That's simple. I wanted to understand what you felt, wanted to experience the thrill of it, part of me even wanted to imagine it was him lying there too. I resented him for not killing you both sooner. Mr Jane you were his weakness like Agent Lisbon is yours so I wanted to do what he could not bring himself to, to take someone's life I cared about, to prove that I was stronger than him.'

Julia continued, 'You see, I wasn't prepared to become like you Mr Jane. Someone with so much potential who has become so...ordinary...now. I see the way you look at her, it's pathetic.'

Lisbon watched the entire exchange without a word. As she glanced over at Jane, he smiled at her. 'Well, Julia, I'll take ordinary any time if this is what it feels like.'

Julia glared at them, anger at boiling point.

Jane then added, 'Thank you for the explanation, Julia, but there's one more thing you haven't mentioned in all this, isn't there? Why don't you finish by admitting the truth about that now?'