The song in this chapter is to be sung to the tune of Cascada - Evacuate the Dancefloor. You'll know what I mean when you see it.
Crap, I realised that when referring to the bathroom in the last chap I called it the mens' room, not the men's room, as in belonging to the men. This is a grievous outrage and even though I wrote the chapter at roughly 2am, I should be ashamed of myself. It's probably due to fangirl squeeing and things like 'KYAAAH SMEXY MENS YUS PLZ.' Getting these things wrong really irks me.
Danger was coming, and its name was Gakupo.
Armin kept cowering, shivering, shaking. The eternal pounding of boot against door would scar him for life. He couldn't think, the entirety of his mental capacity was focused on being utterly, unerringly terrified of the Vocaloid who was gradually breaking the lock of the stall in the men's room. He hugged his knees as he sat atop the toilet. Would he never live to feel the tender touch of another's flesh again? Well, for the first time.
Would he never see another butterfly, or skip through daisy fields running his hands through long grass?
Hearing the force of that almighty Vocaloid slamming on the doors adjacent to his stall, Armin felt it was unlikely he would ever get to do anything again - yet alone any of that pansy meadow shit.
The purple haired demon had already nearly broken the lock. His time was up. He was going to die. There were no options left.
But that wasn't true. There was one option left.
Armin could live the thug lyfe.
He gasped at that revelation bubbling up inside him. If he lived the thug lyfe, he could put that bitch-ass purple punk back in his place. Eren didn't like it when Armin turned thug. The last time it had happened, months past, Armin had ended up being locked in the closet with all of Eren's waifu pillows until he calmed down. The thug rage had lasted for days, and he'd been forced to do nothing but punch at all the Arashi pillows.
The lock strained and strained as Gakupo kicked and kicked. What would the giant holographic titan do to him? Beat him up good? Or worse, force him to endure some surprise buttsecs? Everyone knew that Gakupo was a shotacon - for God's sake, the Immoral Memory was basically a ballad about his and Kaito's homo-lust for Len. The ReCON!KISS performance would be in mere minutes. If he didn't get up on stage, all the boys' hard work would be for nothing. Those hours of hip-thrusting dance practice and magical harmonies! Heichou had poured his heart and soul into writing those songs. Manager Hanji had slaved night and day making the sluttiest, skimpiest, most revealing leather clothing she could for their costumes! Armin couldn't let everyone down.
At last, the door burst open, and for a single moment, Armin and Gakupo's eyes met. The demon Vocaloid grinned evilly at him, hands on his hips as the lock clattered to the tiled floor.
But Armin just stood up, gritted his teeth and kneed him in the balls. Gakupo groaned chromatically and sank down to the floor.
"Yo homeboy!" Armin yelled. "You be steppin' over the line. Think you can fuck with ReCON!KISS?" He leaned down and grabbed the four-meter Vocaloid by the collar of his coat, hoisted him in the air and went to thrust him violently against the sinks. His purple head cracked the mirrored wall behind him. Shards of the mirror rained down on the bathroom floor. Armin gave him the crazy eyes. "You hear that mothafucka?! That's the sound of seven years' bad luck!"
Gakupo now seemed weak. He struggled and writhed underneath Armin's grasp, but it was useless. The tiny shota was holding him in an inescapable clamp. "How~is~this~possible?" he sang, his weakened voice in pianissimo. A Vocaloid!whisper. "What~have~you~done?"
"What have I done?" Armin yelled back at him. "Bitch, I ain't done nuthin'. This here's the thug lyfe. You don't choose the thug lyfe. The thug lyfe chooses you."
Armin wished the skimpy dance costume of Hanji's he was wearing had a hood so he could pull it up. He glanced quickly over the floor, noticing the sharp pieces of mirror. He picked one up, tore off a piece of his costume's sleeve and wrapped it round the dagger-like glass, leaving the pointiest part protruding. Gakupo sweated profusely. Armin then proceeded to shove the makeshift shiv right between Gakupo's eyes, not an inch away from his face.
"You mess with ReCON!KISS, you get on by bad side, and you don't wanna be on my bad side. Ya hear me, ya lil snitch?" Armin shoved the shiv even closer to Gakupo's face. The massive Vocaloid even trembled a touch.
"Hai~~~~" Gakupo answered in a nervous quaver.
"Listen up - if you try and harm one of my boys again, imma cut yo punk ass and that of your little boyfriend Len, and every other fukken' Vocaloid," Armin shrieked. "Today, I'm lettig' you live, cuz I ain't got time to be shankin' at the moment. But if we ever meet again, you won't be so lucky." In that moment, Armin gave Gakupo one last glare of fire, and kicked the Vocaloid down onto the floor. Gakupo's head was swimming from such abuse, and he abruptly passed out.
Armin slid the shiv into his belt. He wasn't going to take any more chances, what with Kaito outside.
When he raised his hand to open the men's room door, however, he found it open for him. Jean and Connie were outside, sweating and panicked.
"Armin! You're alive!" Connie rejoiced. "We heard such violent sounds coming from inside, we assumed the worst."
"What happened to Gakupo?" Jean asked, keeping as calm as he could. But his eyes answered his own question as they wondered over to the quaking Vocaloid, in a miserable pile on the floor. "Wait... Armin... did you kill Gakupo?"
Armin stuck his hands sassily on his hips. "Nah, he just decided to take a little nap on the floor. If I wanted him dead, he would be."
Connie was dumbstruck. They were supposed to be rescuing Armin, not the other way around! "What... when.. where... why... HOW?"
"Homie, we ain't got time for questions!" Armin yelled. "We gotta get Eren and the Corporal and get onta that stage! Roll with me!"
Flabbergasted, Jean led the way towards where Eren had ran when they split up. They would need to provide extra backup. No matter how yandere Eren managed to get over Heichou, Jean doubted he would be able to take down Kaito all by himself. Armin unsheathed his shiv again and held it ready in the air.
Something was terribly, terribly wrong with Armin, but they had about five minutes until they were supposed to perform live for all of Tokyo. His complaints would have to wait.
In his new Vocaloid form, it took Eren exactly 32 seconds to take down Kaito. He was bigger, stronger and better than he'd ever been before. Kaito was so shocked that he hardly even tried to defend himself against Eren's brutal beatdown. First, he'd snatched his beloved Levi off the titan's shoulder and lain him gently on the ground. Six violent punches to the blue-haired man's face and one bodyslam on the floor brought about a swift KO. Eren broke Kaito's puny digital nose and left him bloody.
Even though it wasn't the total, chart-topping revenge that he lusted after, it had felt pretty freaking sweet.
After his bout of violence Eren stood over Kaito's body, seething. He wanted to know how he looked in his titan form. Probably pretty sexy, if the rest of the Vocaloids were anything to go by. He didn't feel human. Being a holographic digital entity left him feeling... well, somewhat empty. Like he needed to eat a big lunch or something. Heichou was still unconscious.
"Get back from Heichou, or face the wrath of Armin Arlet!" he heard a yell, from somebody running down along the stadium corridor towards him.
He glanced up quickly to see Armin, Jean and Connie dashing towards him. Aw shit. Armin had a shiv. That meant he was living the thug lyfe again. God knew when he'd stop.
"Armiiiin~" again Eren was surprised to hear himself singing, just like a Vocaloid, whenever he spoke. "It's me~ Ereeen~!"
Armin leaped closer, still brandishing the shiv. "Playa' I ain't buyin' that. Eren ain't no bishie ass Vocaloid."
'Bishie-ass'? Did that mean he was more sexy as a Vocaloid than as a human? Woe, woe!
"I traaaaaans~formed," Eren tried to explain, but his Vocaloid singing somewhat got in the way. "I don't know what happened. I thought the only thing my dad fed my as a kid was LSD, but he must have mixed some kind of magic steroids in there too."
Connie was too shocked to talk, his eyes as wide as saucers. Jean looked as if he already expected so much creepy shit from Eren, this was just one more thing to be exasperated about. Armin raised one psycho eyebrow.
"Well can ya change back?"
Eren tried to rein in his battle-rage. Rivaille was safe now. There was no need to be Mister Bad Boy Titan Yandere anymore. he thought of fluffy bunnies, his grandmother, and baseball. So he controlled himself, and slowly, ever so slowly, he felt his solidity returning, his height shrinking, and his body falling back into a normal state.
Armin, Connie and Jean watched in disgust as he morphed back into his usual form.
"That some messed up shit yo," Armin breathed. "But we gotta wake up Heichou and get him onto that stage!"
"But how would we wake him up?" Connie asked. "He looks like he blacked out pretty hard."
Eren glanced over Heichou, his heart racing every second his eyes spent locked on humanity's greatest popstar. The idiot was right, he was sleeping like a baby. An angry, violent, sexy baby. God was it Eren's turn to be a shotacon now?
"There's only one way we can bring him back." Eren decided at last. Armin, Jean and Connie all looked at him, fists clenched in anticipation. "WE NEED TO GIVE HIM CPR STRAIGHT AWAY OTHERWISE HE MIGHT END UP DYING AND WE WILL LOSE THE COMPETITION AND THE VOCALOIDS WILL WIN YES IT WILL BE FOR THE GOOD OF HUMANITY."
Jean raised a single eyebrow. "Isn't CPR just for people who aren't breathing...?"
"SHUT UP JEAN YOU THINK YOU'RE A FUCKING DOCTOR YOU DON'T KNOW HEICHOU LIKE I DO HE NEEDS CPR."
A few muffled groans came from the floor as Eren shouted at the top of his lungs. Hearing Heichou groan like that excited Eren to say the least.
"What is all this noise...?" Levi muttered, waking up gradually. "Did we miss the performance?"
'Goddamnit Jean I will never forgive you for ruining my chance!' Eren thought, but he just hauled Heichou up to his feet, his hand tingling when it touched Levi's. Levi shook himself awake as if he were fighting a hangover. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Kaito unconscious and bleeding. Had the brat actually managed to defeat him? That was impressive.
An announcement on the PA system resounded throughout the entire stadium, piercing its noisy way through their ears. 'Ladies and Gentlemen, we regret to announce that the new entrant from Survey Corps music - ReCON!KISS - cannot be found backstage. There will be a two-minute delay, at the end of which, the show will continue without them."
Eren nervously jumped from one foot to another and held his arms stretched out wide. "YOU'RE TOO WEAK HEICHOU GET INTO MY ARMS I'LL CARRY YOU TO THE STAGE WE CAN STILL MAKE IT."
Levi tch'd. "I'm not going to be carried to the stage like I'm your fucking uke, I can run on my own legs, thank you." Eren let a silent tear run down his cheek at the rejection. "Now stop wasting time sniveling, Eren. We have a show to put on."
Eren wiped his teary eyes and nodded. Armin gave him a shove to start him running. "We'd better cheese it!" Armin shouted.
So the five of them ran at full pelt back through the stadium - crashing once more into Dot Pixis in his disco rave gear. Eren was amazed that Jean managed to remember his way through this entire massive place, all his mind was filled with was worry. As they got closer and closer to the wings of that massive stage, so the booming music grew in decibels. How many people would be watching them? Even though it was only the qualifiers, there'd be thousands in the stadium today. But nationwide... on live TV... how many...?
"Hurry up, Eren. You're lagging behind."
What? Who?
He noticed that Heichou had called out to him, and that his occupied mind was, indeed, straying and slowing down everyone else.
"Come on already."
At that moment, Levi reached out his hand, and grabbed Eren's, dragging him forcibly along. Eren let himself be led along, his heart racing.
'Eren,' Eren thought to himself, 'in Japan, public displays of affection are extremely frowned upon. Holding hands in front of people is just as disgusting and unsavory as making out.'OMG! That meant he was making out with Levi! Did it?
"Don't worry, they'll be here aaaaaaaaany second now!" Hanji insisted, to a very pessimistic looking Rico Brzenska. The woman was in control of getting the Sound!Titan event to run smoothly and regulating the lineup. So far, the first act from ReCON!KISS had already crushed her hopes for any success on that front. "They're just off doing some yaoi angst in the corner somewhere. Will be back any second. Likely only 1 second before they're officially disqualified."
Rico looked at her watch, and glanced out towards the impatient audience. It was one minute until ReCON!KISS became disqualified for the competition. It was her job to stay on the wings of the stage and ensure every act made it through. "Yaoi angst...? Is there some kind of mental discord amongst your band?"
"Nah, just a lot of unresolved sexual tension, ya know what I mean?" Hanji nudged Rico rudely in the stomach with her elbow, waggling her eyebrows suggestively in a crude way. "A TON of unresolved sexual tension."
"I really would prefer not to hear about the dalliances of your crew." Rico thought that Hanji was just trying to distract her and stall for time. Hanji, on the other hand, had completely forgotten about the clock and was in turbo-drive yaoi o'clock mode.
"Not even where a certain Lance Corporal is involved...?" Hanji teased.
That caused Rico's eyes to widen. "H-Heichou is in your band?" How the hell had this rotten woman managed to rig that? Rico certainly hadn't expected to see the one, the only, the amazing Heichou performing at their festival today - and at the qualifiers, too! He was the sort of guy who didn't even bother to enter music competitions - it would just be too cruel on the opposition.
"Damn right he is!" Hanji drooled slightly. "I get to design all his costumes."
Rico couldn't allow herself to falter. Even if the almighty composer of Die Flugel Der Freiheit was in ReCON!KISS, she couldn't extend any special treatment to them. If they weren't here on time, they would be disqualified, sure as anything.
"LOOK HERE THEY ARE!" Hanji shouted, pointing to the large backstage area off the side of the stage. "See what I meant about UST? Heichou and Jaeger are holding hands! They must have made up eventually."
Four boys and one dreamy Lance Corporal burst forth, almost tripping forward onto the stage. Relieved, Rico sent a message down through her headset to the presenters and judges that it was time for them to announce the first act at long last.
"What were you boys doing for so long in the bathroom?" Hanji asked, perplexed. Levi's hair was very roughed up in a bad boy kind of way, Jean had sweat soaked straight through his shirt, Connie was hyperventilating from running so fast, Eren was grinning from ear to ear until Levi let go of his hand, and Armin had a shiv tucked into his belt. When he noticed Hanji's eyes trailing over it, Armin quickly got out the piece of broken mirror and tossed it away. What had he used that weapon for? Hanji could only think of so many things. The only feasible explanation for their late arrival was a group orgy in the bathroom.
She smiled to herself. She was going to scold the boys for being so irresponsible, but how could she possibly stay mad at such adorable, young, lusty souls? It wasn't her place to judge what they wanted to do with one another.
"It was unprofessional of us to be so tardy," Heichou apologised to her. "We ran into some trouble, the-"
"Oh," Hanji batted her hand at him dismissively, "you don't have to give me any excuses! I forgive you~!" She reached forward and tousled Eren's hair. He must have been euphoric! Finally getting what he wanted from his adored senpai! She made to dish out microphone headsets to all of them - and the boys attached them with practiced hands.
"No, you don't understand!" Connie wailed, "EREN CAN TURN INTO A VOCALOID."
That was probably the worst excuse for a quickie that Hanji had ever heard - and she'd heard a lot of them. She merely kept grinning as the announcement was at last made. The announcer who took up both the role of presenter and judge, along with a whole panel, was the talento Marco Bott. He wasn't a particularly boisterous fellow, but he had the kind of personality that you couldn't help but like, and had ended up a celebrity who acted completely as the straight man. Well, the straight man in the showbiz sense. If there's a single straight guy in this entire fanfic something has gone severely and drastically wrong.
From the peeking space on the wing of the stage, Eren could see Marco speaking to the massive audience through a microphone. "For the first time ever, Japan, we have the new act presented by Survey Corps - including the musical talents of world-famous Heichou - we have ReCON!KISS with their debut song: 'Kickin' in the courtroom!'"
And silence fell.
The people weren't cheering for the sake of cheering, they were letting what they heard sink in.
Heichou was in ReCON!KISS? Sure, he'd been on the Survey Corps bus, but nobody so much as guessed he would be part of this new band. Humanity's greatest rock god.
Once that had at last sunk into the minds of all the eager fans watching, Eren heard a tumultuous cheer, the likes of which his ears had never endured before. With this, he might not even be able to sing properly, having gone deaf from all the squealing.
Not wasting their moment of glory, Eren felt Hanji push him onto the stage with her boot. It took every bit of balance he had in him not to stumble and fall flat on his face in front of those thousands of people. He spent a second glancing over the audience - all of them waving multicoloured glowsticks in the air, and cheering as loud as their lungs would allow them. Jean strutted onto the stage behind him, biting down any nerves, and looking much cooler than Eren. Connie came after, and then a prowling Armin.
It took all the self control Eren had not to cover his ears when he heard the amplified cheering that accompanied Heichou's appearance. It was probably louder than the explosion of a nuclear warhead. However, seeing him strut confidently out, in that Hanji-designed leather costume, and smile ever so stylishly at the cameras all around him - the nuclear warhead in Eren's pants came close to exploding itself.
This was the debut of ReCON!KISS. And it was time to sing something.
They got into the formation for their dance. Eren and Levi at the front, Armin, Jean and Connie in a row behind. Eren had never been so fired up.
The music started. He took a deep breath, and it began.
Oh~
The trial begins
And you're chained to a pole
You look so helpless
Tied down on the floor
It was Levi's verse first, with Eren providing some backup vocals on a couple of the notes, while going through the extremely hip dance moves they'd practised a hundred times.
People say you're a monster
Can't be blamed,
Ah
But imma prove them wrong,
Ah
I can make you tame
It's my boot, on your face,
Kick the teeth out your jaw
Act like you, are in pain
But you really want mooore~
Beat you up, I can't stop
Ereri Overdose
(Ereri Overdose...)
By the time he reached the chorus, where the rest of the band joined in with the Oh's, the audience was transfixed. Levi's spell was working.
Oh, oh
I'm kickin' in the courtroom!
Oh, oh,
The brat could win the war!
Oh, oh,
"Stop, Heichou or you'll kill me!"
Hey Dr. DJ, LET EREN JOIN THE SURVEY CORPS.
Eren did a few more reverse shuffles, fist pumps in the air, knowing it would be his verse next.
(Everybody in the court)
Oh, oh
I'm kickin' in the courtroom!
Oh, oh,
The brat could win the war!
(Everybody in the court)
Oh, oh,
'Stop, Heichou or you'll kill me!'
Hey Dr. DJ, LET EREN JOIN THE SURVEY CORPS.
Here is was, his turn to sing. As practised, Levi stepped aside. All ReCON!KISS backed up to let him stand at the front.
My body's aching,
Levi overload,
Heartbeat quickening,
Ovaries will explode
I should be worried 'bout my fate
Killed by the brass
Ah,
But I am distracted,
Ah,
Staring at the corporal's ass
Together we, will go fight
He'll be my captain,
It's true love, at first sight,
Come on kick me agaaain~
Please Heichou, please don't stop
It's an Ereri Overdose!
(Ereri Overdose)
By the second chorus, the audience were shaking their glowsticks in time to the beat.
Oh, oh
Kickin' in the courtroom!
Oh, oh,
My head grinds against the floor
Oh, oh,
Don't stop: Heichou you're killing me!
Hey Dr. DJ, LET ME JOIN THE SURVEY CORPS
People jumping up and down in delight.
(Everybody in the court)
Oh, oh
Kickin' in the courtroom!
Oh, oh,
My head grinds against the floor
(Everybody in the court)
Oh, oh,
Don't stop: Heichou you're killing me!
Hey Dr. DJ, LET ME JOIN THE SURVEY CORPS
The music slowed, and it was time for Armin to deliver his smooth bridge:
Mikasa is flipping out
But Eren's pants are heating up,
He likes guys who are sadistic:
Who push it to the top,
Eren tries to act tough,
But he's feelin' uke now
Can't resist that stormy glare
Or that, sexy, sexy frown
Totally upstaging everyone as he always did, Levi jumped to the front of the stage, breaking into a full out rap.
Now Heichou's back with a brand new track,
ReCON got the whole club going mad,
So everybody in the back,
Get yo ass to the court and just shake that thang
ReCON takes
Over the
World now
Gonna' go smash that numba 1
Cuz they got Heichou, oh,
No one can match me on the dancefloor, yo
With that, Heichou broke into some freestyle breakdancing over the last chorus, writing and worming on the floor, making impossible leaps.
Everybody in the court!
(Get those two a room now)
Everybody in the club!
(Can turn into a titan now)
Everybody in the club!
(Levi's kicks are so stylish)
Hey Dr. DJ just LET EREN JOIN THE SURVEY CORPS
The cheering was so loud as Levi got up from his breakdancing and joined in with the final chorus, Eren truly couldn't hear himself sing.
Oh, oh
I'm kickin' in the courtroom!
Oh, oh,
The brat could win the war!
Oh, oh,
'Stop, Heichou or you'll kill me!'
Hey Dr. DJ, LET EREN JOIN THE SURVEY CORPS.
(Everybody in the court)
Oh, oh
I'm kickin' in the courtroom!
Oh, oh,
The brat could win the war!
(Everybody in the court)
Oh, oh,
Don't stop Heichou, you're killing me!
Hey Dr. DJ, LET EREN JOIN THE SURVEY CORPS.
When the song was over, the five of them stood there, still on the stage, panting and huffing, unable to move, knowing nothing more than the tumultuous cries of wailing, overjoyed, half-dead fangirls. Some even broke their voiceboxes from such screaming. Some were even fangirling over Armin, that was how good the act was.
And that was how ReCON!KISS both smashed through the first round of Sound!Titan and broke the 24 hours sales record for the Oricon charts and sung what was, quite possibly, the best song ever written.
Remember! Reviews and favourites are what keep Levi fabulous!
Wow I thought I was devoted to Ereri as one of my top 3 OTPs of all time, but I never thought I'd adapt a Eurotrash club song so it was about the SnK courtroom trial scene. I listened to 'Evacuate the dancefloor' at least 20 times in the process! Hope you liked it! (Also sorry that it doesn't make any sense in the context of this story, especially Levi mentioning his actually name/rapping, but this is a crack fic, which I'm surprised ended up having a plot in the first place, so just go with it.)