Yanmei

Chapter 3: The Thing about Honor

When I was little, I didn't understand much. Or, rather, I could never understand things as a whole; only in parts. At school we would learns about the war, but no matter how much I studied, I just understood the what, where, who; never the why. Why were we fighting? Why did we need to prove to the world that the Fire Nation was so strong? I had nothing to do with the war, so why was I constantly punished for it?

I wondered about these things for years, all the while sitting by helplessly as I watched Jianjun, Father, Lu Ten and Mother all left me. By the time Zuko's turn came around, I had already began thinking that maybe I was missing something. Maybe I was supposed to go away, too. So when Uncle Iroh came to me and told me they were leaving, I begged him to take me with them. No matter how much I cried for them, though, they wouldn't let me. Iroh wouldn't let me because Zuko wouldn't let me. And Zuko wouldn't let me because Zuko didn't want me. And so I was left to watch their ship leave in the dead of night without me on it. And that was when I first began plotting my escape off of Fire Nation soil, just like everyone else before me.

For almost two years I travelled alone, homeless and often-times frightened. I had never been out of the Fire Nation before my self-banishment, but suddenly I was roaming all over the world, constantly trying to find the "why." I thought that, somehow, if I discovered the missing answers, I would find Zuko, too. But, despite my searching, I began to feel like the why simply didn't exist. Before I knew it, I honestly believed I would never see Zuko again. And it was when I reached my lowest point that I ended up in Xiahe.

But I guess fate just has a funny way of working.

I wanted to ask Zuko what he thought about these things, like fate and destiny and everything that I had swimming around in my head, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to him about them.

Zuko was different somehow. Quieter. Angrier. There was an uncomfortable awkwardness between us, and as a result I tried to avoid him during the day, when the soldiers might see us together. Instead, I often wandered around the ship or watched the crashing waves as we traversed the seas, always heading toward some unknown destination, always south-bound.

One morning, Zuko woke up next to me with a start. I rolled over to face him sleepily, my eyes fluttering open lazily. He sat up, hunched over as he rubbed his good eye with his hand.

"Are you okay?" I mumbled. He only stared at nothing for a long time without a word. I sat up too and placed a hand on his back unconsciously. He leaned forward, away from my touch and hopped off of the bed, standing and facing the wall.

"We need to hurry," he almost yelled as he rushed out of the room.

Without knowing what he meant, I shrugged and got out of bed as well. I felt like a phantom as I floated through the austere hallways of Zuko's warship. Maybe a phantom is the wrong word, though. Maybe I was more like an empty shell, following the same path through the intertwining hallways that I had learned to take a week ago when I first arrived.

Finally, I reached my destination and stepped out onto the deck, the warm, salty air licking at my cheeks and wishing me a good morning.

"Miss Yanmei," a cheerful voice called out to me. "Good morning—you sure are up early."

A young man, the same young man I had tried to steal the coin purse from, walked up to me briskly from across the deck. "Good morning, Eiji," I replied, waving. "But didn't I tell you not to call me that? Just 'Yani' is fine."

Eiji laughed and shook his head. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but… You know…"

Eiji was one of the only people on the ship—other than Zuko and Uncle Iroh, of course—who actually spoke to me. The others simply looked at me as some sort of outsider, an intruder into the life they had created aboard this boat. But Eiji was different. He didn't just speak to me, he was someone I knew I could trust, someone I could look at as a friend.

Eiji and I walked to the side of the boat and while he admired the ocean, I studied him. I had never seen him wear his helmet, even though I was pretty sure he was a low-ranking officer. His dark hair was shorter than Zuko's and not styled in any special way, making him look even younger than he probably was. As I thought about it, though, I wasn't sure just how old Eiji was. I decided he couldn't be much older than me; his full cheeks and bright demeanor gave him away.

Eiji noticed my staring and smiled in return. "Is everything alright, Miss?"

"Eiji?" I began. "Do you believe in fate?"

I wasn't sure why I was asking him, but once the question was out there, I was curious to know his answer. He turned and looked out onto the horizon again, leaning against the boat with a thoughtful expression. Finally he cleared his throat. "May I answer openly, Miss?" I nodded.

When he received my approval, Eiji inhaled deeply. "I don't know for sure, but… I think, if fate is true, it's a pretty cruel thing."

"Cruel?" I let this word weigh on my mind as I contemplated what he could have meant. "But…" I finally managed. "I don't think it's that bad. I mean, fate is what brought me here, after all. I think it might be a good thing."

Eiji smiled but didn't say a word, and his silence was unnerving. "You've only been here for a short while," he said softly, some sort of sadness reflecting in his eyes. "But I suppose it's alright to think that way, too."

I wanted to talk to Eiji more, but Zuko came storming out of the inner cabin. Eiji and I turned to watch him as he began sparring with another officer.

Zuko launched himself at the man with a yell and a burst of flame. There was something about his attitude today that worried me. Zuko was moving recklessly, swinging his arms and legs without any sort of thought put into his movements. Eiji must have noticed, too, because from the corner of my eye I saw him tense up every time it looked like Zuko was about to lose the match. I leaned over and grabbed his sleeve. "Let's go," I whispered. "I hate watching him fight."

Zuko noticed us move as we started to walk away and turned to look at us. Time froze for a moment and he looked as if I had hurt him with some sort of injustice, and then he looked at Eiji in the same manner. I shouted at Zuko to watch out, but it was too late, and the sparring mate took advantage of Zuko's distraction, successfully launching him across the deck before Zuko fell for good. I ran to Zuko, Eiji close behind, and leaned down next to him.

"Z-Zuko! Are you okay?" I tried to help him up, but he moved too quickly away from me.

"Damn it!" he screamed, turning away and literally fuming. I wanted to calm him down, but, at the same time, he scared me. I tried to reach out to him, to touch him, let him know everything was alright, but Eiji held my arm back.

"Come on," Eiji commanded in a low voice and I followed, my head hanging in embarrassment.

Zuko stayed out late that night, but after dinner I went back to the bedroom and waited, despite my exhaustion as the night wore on. Finally, hours after the moon had first made its appearance in the sky, Zuko slipped into the dark room where I lied, pretending to sleep. He tried as quietly as possible to sneak into his spot next to me in his bed. He and I lied, silent in the stillness of the quiet room. Finally, Zuko rolled over to face me and poked my arm.

"Yani?" he whispered. "Are you awake?"

I turned to face him and nodded. "Prince Zuko…" I sighed. "Are you alright?"

I knew now was the time I could freely talk with Zuko—the REAL Zuko. He had no problem taking off his mask and exposing his true self in the safety of the night, when we were alone in his room.

"Yani…" Zuko breathed, but said nothing more. After two years of separation, Zuko had become an enigma, and I wanted now to know what was going on in his head more than ever. Again, I was searching for impossible answers, but this time I thought I knew where to look.

"Zuko, where are we going?" I asked.

"I don't know," he answered, and then added, "The South Pole."

"What's down there?"

He remained quiet, and I thought he didn't understand my question.

"I mean," I corrected myself, "What are we going to find down there?"

He said nothing, but in the darkness I watched his silhouette as he brought his arm up and lightly touched his face. I knew he was stroking his scar, and as I watched him in the darkness, I couldn't help but feel an almost overwhelming sense of guilt. But, suddenly, Zuko took the same arm raised to his face and grabbed my hand.

"Yani," he spoke quietly and squeezed my hand. "I'm so glad you're back."