CHAPTER 4 : SECRETS EXPOSED

He was tired yet after a shower, his mind was working faster than ever. He was torn. He'd had Arthur to himself and one day, he would need to stand back and let his father take over. Heaven knows how that would work out as the man was so busy and he didn't think that he would be as impressed with Arthur's being able to grasp a visitor's hand as he himself and the staff had been. He was certain that Mr. Pendragon didn't know who he was let alone that he was visiting his son in the hospital.

He knew he had no claim to Arthur except as a visitor. Agreed he was a newly-hired work colleague in the same office, but that wouldn't count for much. He was getting his hopes up. He'd been pouring his heart out to him in the false security that it would not be remembered once he came around. He knew deep down that he should be pulling back as he wasn't a part of Arthur's conscious life. He belonged only on the fringes of his present subconscious existence He hoped otherwise but he couldn't rationalise Arthur's acknowledging him when he came out of the coma.

He thought to himself, 'You're a pathetic excuse. You haven't the guts to have personal conversations with people yet you want so much to share the things in your life which you feel are important that you quite willingly share your personal thoughts and feelings only when the person is unable to give a opinion or question anything.'

Falling asleep in this frame of mind, he didn't sleep well, tossing and turning.

"Merlin, if you can't keep up let me know and I will find someone else to go with me. There are lots of people who would be only to happy to accompany me."

'That's what you think!' Merlin said to himself. He felt himself slipping as the snow gave way and Arthur's hand grabbed his. Arthur was strong and Merlin realised that soon the blood circulation in his hand would be cut off.

He wanted to say, 'Let go of me...' but something prompted him not to. Finally, his feet found firm ground and he pulled himself upright. Arthur turned to look at him and Merlin realised he was looking at a sick man, ravaged by the problems of the world. Arthur's eyes were open but unseeing, his muscles had wasted away, his hair was too long and there was stubble on his face.

"Arthur, what happened to you?" But there was no response, Merlin glanced at Arthur's hand and it was weak looking and he felt that if he let go of it, Arthur would drift away and become unreachable. He held on tightly saying, "Arthur, it's me Merlin! Stay with me, don't go...!"

He woke suddenly shivering, his heart was racing and the truth hit him. Arthur was still comatose in a bed in a hospital. He realised then and there that dreams were cruel, they allowed escape but then demanded payment as the dreamer came crashing back to reality.

He knew he was hungry, so he made himself get up. He intended to have a good breakfast as he planned that immediately after work he was going to the hospital. He wanted to get into the office early so that he would have a few minutes with Gawaine before everyone else arrived. He fed the cat, promising to be home earlier than last night. He packed some fruit and cheese for lunch and set off for the office.

Gawaine got up as he walked in and hugged him. "You did it, Merlin, you did it! Bridie phoned. She was so excited. How did it happen?"

Merlin explained the sequence of events and how Dr. Fells had sat in on his visit and had witnessed Arthur using the muscles in his hand.

"He's coming back to us isn't he?" said Gawaine with a catch in his voice.

Merlin realised that for Gawaine, his best friend Arthur's time in a coma had been very difficult. "Should I come with you after work today?" he asked.

"Gawaine, he's more your friend than mine. Of course, you should come. He would probably walk by me on the street without batting an eye."

"Don't sell yourself short, Merlin, Arthur responded to you, he knows you and certainly recognises your voice. Bridie said you are the only one he has ever responded to. It will be fun to see what he does when his father visits him. They've never been that close since Arthur told him he..."

They were interrupted by Gawaine's superior. "Good, you're here! Merlin, you can represent Gawaine at this morning's meetings as I need him with me."

Gawaine nodded and Merlin collected up what he needed to be closeted for the next two hours with assistant department heads. Gawaine received feedback that he'd acquitted himself well as one of the bosses mentioned that they might be giving Gawaine another intern as Merlin was quite capable of moving on. Gawaine was in two minds, pleased that the introductory phase for Merlin had passed but knowing that he would miss having him with him all day.

-0-0-

As Merlin was busy the day seemed to pass quickly. No one had called from the hospital asking him to come in so that they could do more observations on Arthur. Hopefully, he'd be given an idea of the results of the tests once he went to visit tonight.

Graham was with Arthur when Merlin visited, "I'll be done in a few minutes. He's been quite busy today as his father came to visit and I guess as we haven't heard otherwise, Arthur is staying here for a little while longer."

Merlin breathed a sigh of relief. He'd still be able to visit.

"I heard Dr. Fells say that he was leaving a note for you at the nurses' station so you should pick it up before you leave." Graham saw the worry on Merlin's face, "I'm sure it's not bad news but why don't you go and get it now, while I finish up here?"

"Would you mind?" said Merlin.

"No, go! Arthur and I have a few things we want to discuss and you would be in the way."

Merlin smiled; Graham was a good nurse to have around as he chatted continually with his patients frequently using their names regardless of whether they responded or maybe it should be in spite of their lack of response. Merlin heard him say as he left the room, "Don't fret yourself, Arthur, Merlin will be back in a few minutes. You can't expect to commandeer his attention the whole time, Arthur."

Merlin smiled to himself he knew there was a method in repeating his name. Each time Arthur heard it, the machines picked up additional mental activity.

Reaching the nurses' station a voice said, "Merlin, there's a note for you here."

He smiled, "So I believe."

"Did you hear that Arthur is going to stay with us a little longer so we will be able to see your attractive face every evening?"

Merlin was used to the teasing that went on but he wished it had been Arthur making that statement and not one of the married women at the nurses' station. Smiling she passed him the note.

The note from Dr. Fells stated simply that this morning, Mr. Pendragon had agreed to Arthur's staying at St. Swithin's as long as progress was being made. Dr. Fells also mentioned that he and his colleagues hoped that Merlin would be willing to continue his visits.

Merlin smiled, folded the note and slipped it into his pocket, something to share with Gawaine and his mother.

-0-0-

His spirits were up as he wandered down the corridor to Arthur's room. He passed Dr. Fells who motioned towards him but was then interrupted by another physician so Merlin continued on his way.

Arthur was alone when he went in and he said, "Good Afternoon, Handsome! How are you feeling today? Haven't seen you in ages, well almost six minutes…" He waved the note in Arthur's directions and said, "It's good news. You'll have to put up with me for a couple of more weeks." He grinned even if Arthur couldn't understand the humour in that statement he did.

He threw his coat over one chair and pulled the other one close to the bed and picked up Arthur's hand. "Well, you hands are nice and warm today and you look well enough to open your eyes and say hello."

Arthur did look better, his face was less drawn and his breathing seemed almost normal. Merlin turned to check the machines and saw that Arthur's heart rate was slightly elevated but nothing to worry about.

"I think you are improving, Mr. Pendragon. Would you like me to work on your hands? I know many a young lady who will be willing to hold hands with you as yours are soft and your manicurist has done a wonderful job on your nails." He felt a slight pressure on his hand.

A nurse appeared in the doorway and smiled, "He's coming along well, isn't he?" She walked across the room and took Arthur's vitals, nodded again at Merlin and left saying, "I'll leave you to your tête-à-tête."

Merlin laughed as if you could call a one-side conversation a tête-à-tête. Mind you it would be nice to have a conversation like that with someone. However, there was no one in his life that he was close enough to open his heart to.

"I'm not laughing at you Arthur, just what the nurse said. We know little about each other just what I have heard from your friends and Gawaine...and you only know about me the few things I've shared."

Merlin continued to massage and manoeuvred Arthur's fingers, carefully stretching the muscles. "Funny but having spent so much time with you I think of you as someone I really know and the silly thing is that I really don't know what you think about so many things."

He ran a few ideas through his head, "So what do you think of the party in power?" He waited a few minutes as if giving Arthur a chance to collect his thoughts and speak before he said, "Exactly my feelings!

"Outer space, now that is an interesting concept, isn't it? Care to share your thoughts?" He waited before continuing, "…I agree but have you ever thought you might like to go to the moon? Arthur, you are so talkative today that I can hardly get a word it edgewise. I wish you could let me know if you hear me. Am I bothering you with this silly chatter? My mother always says that as a kid, I used to drive her crazy and that my favourite word was why."

Suddenly, he became serious, "Deep down I am still a chatterbox but I now have no one to chatter to apart from you... Yes, there's Gawaine but more often than not he does the talking. He's enlightening me on quite a few things since I arrived here." He smiled, continuing, "However, he's a good friend and I enjoy his company.

"Actually, unlike you, I don't socialize very much. My group of friends broke up once the others had girlfriends and I was the spare, so to say." He dropped his head and spoke directly to the hand he was massaging, "I never had a boyfriend, people have been interested but it was for..." he blushed, "…the expected benefits not the friendship!

"I know you won't remember what I've said, but I just think it is best to be truthful even in this strange world which for you is twilight."

Arthur's hand twitched again and Merlin found himself smiling, "I take it that you agree with my statement. I'd love you to open your eyes and smile. I've been waiting so long but then I know that you will be commandeered by your family and friends and I would be on the outside again. I've enjoyed visiting and talking with you...well, talking at you!

A nurse came in and said, "Doctor Fells will be with you in a minute. He wants to discuss something with you." Merlin nodded and she left.

He turned to Arthur saying, "I feel like a parent who has been called before the Headmaster. What awful things have you been up to since I was last here?" He smiled to himself. He bet that Arthur's parents at one time or another must have been on the carpet.

Dr. Fells arrived with another doctor and told him that Arthur had briefly opened his eyes when his nurse was taking vitals early in the morning. He hadn't seemed to focus on anything but he had clearly opened his eyes.

Merlin froze, his mind was blank. What exactly had he told Arthur about himself? He felt the squeezing of his hand and wondered if Arthur had been trying to communicate with him. He dropped the hand and pulled back.

He'd made a complete fool of himself, blabbering about his personal life and feelings when he should really had been talking about neutral things.

Arthur's hand lying on the blanket was clenching and his heartbeat had risen. When Merlin made no move to take his hand, Dr. Fells did and held it telling Arthur that it was all right.

He glanced at Merlin who was obviously upset, saying, "I think he knows you're upset..."

Merlin said, "Sorry, I can't do this any more." He stood, grabbing his coat and went to leave the room.

Dr. Fells put his arm out to stop him but he brushed past him. "Merlin, wait!"

If either of the doctors had looked at Arthur, they would have seen a tear seeping from between his eyelids, 'Merlin, wait!'

Dr. Fells again called, "Merlin, wait!"

Realising the futility of running, he slowed down and allowed the doctor to catch up. He turned to him with tear filled eyes. The doctor took him into a utility room and sat him on a table. "All right, out with it, what has upset you? Did Arthur do or say anything?"

Merlin shook his head, "It was me...I was stupid...I let my mind get carried away and told him personal things and if he heard me, I can't face him again." He dropped his head into his hands and fell silent.

"Whatever you said is between the two of you, we don't even know how much he hears or understands. You know him better than I do."

"That's the whole thing...I don't know him. He is the son of the owner of the company where I work and I lived closer to the hospital so I accepted to visit him for my friend. I don't know him… I will return tomorrow but I can't stay any longer tonight. I would be hopeless talking to him."

"How about, you just sit with him? He'll settle better knowing you're there."

Merlin shook his head; he felt that it was going to explode. He'd said, 'Goodnight, Love!' to him. How could he have been so stupid to tell Arthur, a stranger that he was gay. Arthur was probably having a good laugh at his expense, if his mind was even capable of laughing at this point!

"I'm sorry…" Merlin stood and walked slowly from the office. He did not see the nurses on the 5T station looking at each other quizzically or Bridie walking towards him along the hall.

-0-0-

He let himself into his flat. He didn't remember leaving the hospital, the traffic or walking home. The kitten came to join him as he stood in the hall. She twined in and out of his legs, pushing her head against his unmoving legs and mewing softly.

"Well, Spot, I made an absolute fool of myself today. Not that that will surprise you. I'm my own worse enemy."

His phone rang and he was about to ignore it when he glanced down and saw his mother's number. He took in a deep breath; breathed out slowly before saying, "Hello, Mum, everything all right?"

"Yes, I was just wondering if you are joining me for Easter. Your Uncle Gaius is coming and I thought it would be like old time's sake. You can take a day away from the hospital can't you? Then I thought I might come to visit with you during Easter week that is if you'd like me to." She hesitated, settling her nerves hoping that Merlin wouldn't pick up on it before saying, "We could drop in to see Arthur…How is he by the way?"

"Yes, Mum, I'll come home for Easter and I'd like you to spend a few days. Arthur is the same…"

"Well, I won't keep you as I know you haven't eaten yet. Give Spot a cuddle for me and… Merlin, take care of yourself. See you on Sunday."

"Yes, bye Mum!"

That was the last straw and Merlin collapsed on the sofa and cried his eyes out. He must have fallen asleep as when he awoke he had a warm weight on his back kneading him softly and it was dark.

-0-0-

Hunith had phoned Gawaine back after she had spoken to her son.

"How was he?"

"I could tell that he was upset but I didn't dwell on that. He's coming here for Easter and then I'll come back with him for a few days. Thank you for getting in touch with me. Could you thank Bridie for caring…and you too come to think of it?"

"He's a special young man and I just thought that he needed to hear from you. He hasn't spoken to me yet but I will see him at work tomorrow and play it by ear. I knew he was getting involved but he seemed so happy and from what Bridie has said Arthur really benefits having him around.

-0-0-

Merlin slipped out of his outside clothes and sat in the darkened room with the TV on. He couldn't eat anything but he sipped some water. His mind was all over the place but he knew that it was survival of the fittest and he would not be going to St. Swithin's after work tomorrow…

Arthur was obviously in the first stages of waking up. He'd moved his hands and opened his eyes. He wasn't needed anymore, his heart did a flip and he caught his breath. Arthur would be fine. Spot jumped on his lap and he held the cat and said into her fur, "…and so will I."