CHAPTER 12 : THE CRUEL REALITY

They sat in the sun enjoying being together. They had the terrace to themselves; it was the size of half a tennis court and had tables in one corner. Planters and small sculpted trees ran along the railings and a screen on one side formed a windbreak. Merlin loved being up high and outdoors. He smiled at Arthur who grinned back, saying, "Tell me about yourself. I'm sure that somewhere in the deep recesses of my brain it is stored but I want to hear it again."

So, Merlin gave a brief summary of his family, his childhood interests and his schooling. He then insisted that Arthur reciprocate which he did having Merlin in stitches as he recounted his childhood adventures with Gawaine. "Did you ever have a close friend as you were growing up?" Arthur asked.

"Yes, as a youngster I'd teamed up with a boy called Lance but he moved to Canada. My mother still writes to his and he's just finishing his medical internship in Montreal."

"I want you to get to know Leon better. He's an Olympic skier, as crazy as they come, married with kids. I know you'll like him. He's serious but with a wicked sense of humour. He despairs about Gawaine who teases him every opportunity he gets."

"Where do you live…I mean not now...but before?" Merlin felt himself becoming tongue-tied asking personal questions.

"Well, it's a house which belonged to my mother's family. It was rented while I was younger and although my father advised me to sell it when I was eighteen, I didn't and I'm glad I didn't as when we fell out, I was able to be a little independent"

"Whom do you live with?" Merlin immediately wished he had maybe made a reference to roommates or something but he hadn't. His question seemed almost an accusation.

Arthur blushed slightly and said, "By myself but I have a man who looks after the place and his wife cooks. They live in the basement flat which works out to both our advantage. How about you?"

"We're in a flat not too far from here." Noticing Arthur's quizzical look, he laughed adding, "Just me, well just me and Spot. We get on well together and she is company. I'm glad I got her and maybe now that you are so much better, she could come to visit. I've seen therapy dogs in the hospital so why not Spot the Therapy Cat? You're not allergic or anything are you?"

"Not to cats but I am to snails, not playing with them but eating them." Arthur grinned as he had visions of the races Gawaine and he used to have with, many times less than interested-in-racing, snails. "Gawaine and I as kids, used to collect the big garden snails and set them on a wall to see which one was the quickest." He smiled at Merlin and leaned over to him as if to share something conspiratorial and added, "Just between you and me, I think snails are really nice," he straightened up again," I love their antenna with the little eyes. Did you know they can move up to fifty yards an hour?"

Merlin was lost in the story and only wished that as a kid he had known Arthur and Gawaine as he also liked snails. Arthur was so animated…fascinating even, but lost in a world of his own. He looked over his shoulder and said, "At one hundred fifty feet per hour, figuring that it was going in a straight line, it should take a snail under twenty minutes to reach the door into the sunroom."

"Unless it met a blackbird or a hedgehog!" said Merlin with a mischievousness grin.

"Merlin, you have no heart! Better not tell Gawaine anything negative about snails as he did a paper on them in Sixth Form biology and got top honours at the Christmas school assembly. Sad thing was that he lived to regret it as the following term some of the others called him, 'Escargot' that was until the teacher set them right… Maybe, I shouldn't have been surprised that I am allergic to them, even stranger though is that the first time I had a reaction, I had thought I was eating a mushroom in tempura!"

Then they took turns telling funny things about their home life. Merlin noticed that Arthur's were more about things which happened in school or at Gawaine's. He told Arthur about his Guinea pigs which his mother was assured were brothers and who seemed to spend a lot of times playing Leapfrog, until one day miraculously one and one became three! Merlin explained how he had run downstairs throwing his arms around his mother's waist, burrowing his head into her and saying, 'Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you!'

'But I always make you breakfast', had been her reply. Then he had told her of the third Guinea pig. "Honestly, Arthur, I thought it was a miracle but later my mother shattered my bubble when she explained that either Tish or Tosh must have been a girl. We watched them carefully and certainly Tish had mothering instincts so she became Tisha."

"So, what did you call the newcomer?"

"Miracle, of course," said Merlin.

Arthur laughed, "Honestly, Merlin, where have you been all my life?"

Merlin smiled, a lovely warm feeling enveloping him. He had never felt this close to anyone outside his family. He would have been happy to have stayed here all day but then he noticed that Arthur had shivered. The wind had picked up. He took off his jacket, put it around Arthur's shoulders and suggested that they go back to his room. He'd had a lovely afternoon and it had completely gone out of his mind that Arthur was still a patient in the hospital and more importantly he didn't have a job.

-0-0-

Once Arthur was settled in his room and had eaten, Merlin rose to leave and Arthur said, "I'll have to arrange to get some heavier clothes from home, nothing special just some sweaters and a lightweight jacket. If I phone Tom, I can tell him you're coming and he can put some things out which might be useful. You could choose and bring something here."

"Arthur, I'd feel uncomfortable going into your place if you weren't there."

"Tom or Ellie would be there. It'd be all right! Come on, Merlin, you're not a clandestine burglar are you, sneaking over the rooftops in the moonlight, gaining access by prying open attic windows and clearing out all the silver and jewellery…? Well, even if you are, the house has very little silver and I have no jewellery to speak of!" He glanced at Merlin who had smiled about the burglary.

Merlin chuckled imagining climbing through a little window and he had a sudden flash of the movie 'Oliver' and the spinning silver tray on the floor in the entrance hall.

He was woken out of his daydream by Arthur saying, "That's it, I've decided. You're going to get my clothes! Please?"

Merlin nodded, "I'll do it but only if you arrange it with Tom. I can go whenever it is convenient for him."

Grabbing his phone, Arthur dialled his house and had a quick conversation with Ellie, explaining that a very good friend of his, here he had stopped and pointed at Merlin causing him to blush, would be around tomorrow noon to pick up a few clothes for him and could she send back with Merlin some of her chicken soup, enough for two.

Merlin could tell by the one-side conversation that Ellie was only too happy to be sending in soup and that she must have promised other surprises as Arthur had told her that he wasn't supposed to put on weight until he was better.

"So, you got the gist of what I said?" Arthur said turning to Merlin, "Here is my address on Caddock Square, number 17 and the door is red. If you like, Tom can pick you up at your place and bring you back here."

"No, I can manage by myself, I have the address. I'll walk, I'd feel more comfortable than being driven."

"True, maybe you should wait until I can chauffeur you around London…" Arthur said with a wink.

Merlin laughed and said, "With your record, who would want to drive with you?" As it came out his mouth, he knew that it hadn't sounded as funny as it had on the spur of the moment in his head. It had not come out as a joke but an accusation, a criticism of Arthur's driving ability.

The look of shock on Arthur's face had frightened Merlin. What had he done! If the ground were to have opened up and swallowed him, he would have been thankful. But, it didn't… He stared at Arthur in horror, there was nothing he could say it would only intensify the sickening sensation.

Arthur had turned away and Merlin was sure that he was crying. How could he have been so insensitive? Arthur was just coming to terms with Rupert's death and here he was throwing it back into his face. Finally, gaining a little courage he said quietly, "Arthur, I…"

"I'm tired, I think you had better leave…" Arthur's voice broke.

Merlin went to say something and then decided against it. It was one of those unfortunate instances when something funny turns out to be not in the slightest bit funny. There was nothing he could say. He didn't even say goodnight as he couldn't trust his voice and he walked into the hall. He stood against the wall and sniffed, wiping his eyes which were beginning to flood with tears. How could he have been so unthinking, so insensitive, so cruel…so stupid!

He wandered down the hallway, nodding at the guard. He was walking without thinking and he almost took out a nurse as she hurried by. She spun around and said, "Watch where you're going!" He came to and realised he was near the nurses' station and the next thing he felt was a hand at his elbow and a familiar voice say, "Merlin, is everything all right?"

-0-0-

He poured his heart out to Bridie who had been going on a break. "Please, don't tell Gawaine. He'll kill me…"

"Merlin, these things happen when you get close to people. It sounds like you'd had a great day and were very relaxed and something which five months ago would have been really witty, suddenly becomes a stumbling block."

"He just told me to get out. What if what I said has damaged him so much that he falls back into a coma?"

Bridie stretching across the table and patted his arm, "Don't worry about that, you know that's not the way a coma works so it's not going to happen. He's well on his way to recovery and it is only his need for physio, counselling and the fact that he lives alone that he is still here. The two of you will have to have a good talk and you can fully explain what you were thinking and more importantly how you felt after you left him. Maybe he will say that you really hurt him but you can understand that. Tomorrow will be another day! You're one of the good guys, Merlin, and I know that Arthur thinks highly of you."

"He did…" Merlin said shaking his head, "But not now...I don't think there will be another day…I can't face him, as I hurt him too much. I'd better go…" not wanting to seem rude as Bridie was trying to be helpful, he added with an apologetic shrug of his shoulders, "…Spot is waiting for me." Merlin got up leaving a full cup of coffee on the table and walked out of the cafeteria.

Bridie pulled out her phone and looked at it momentarily before giving Gawaine a heads up that there was trouble in paradise. He was friendly with both parties and she was determined to see the two of them friends again.

-0-0-

Feeling numb, Arthur dried his tears. What had happened and what had he done? He was an emotional wreck.

He sat in his room questioning his actions. He'd let his guard down and allowed someone into his heart and then because of a misunderstanding, he'd chased him away. Gawaine had always teased him that when he fell it would be from a height and with such intensity that he would never get over it. But it hadn't been like that…he had awakened slowly to the fact that Merlin existed and that he liked his being around.

The weeks had laid a perfect foundation for a friendship and only recently had he realised the intensity of his feeling for the man. He'd been shocked by what Merlin had said, but once he had let it sink in he knew that it wasn't said maliciously, it had nothing to do with Rupert, it was just a flippant comment which because of his own history, he had reacted to really badly. What had he done?

Maybe his father was right, maybe Merlin was in it for his money. As he though that, he felt rotten, obviously his mind wasn't progressing thoughts realistically, how could he think that about his friend?

He said quietly, "God forgive me for even thinking such a thing about Merlin…He is sweet, unselfish and caring. Just seeing him standing in my doorway makes the world a better place. When he touches my hand, I feel complete…"

Seconds, after he had told Merlin to get out, he had regretted it. The look of sadness and shock on his face had made Arthur realise that he had been upset for what he had said. He thought, 'If only my stupid legs had worked I could have chased him down the hallway and caught him before he got to the lift.' That didn't help, it made him feel sorry for himself and he was crying when Bridie walked in.

She was excellent dealing with situations like this. She knew that enough time had passed for Arthur to have replayed what had happened in his mind. Hopefully, he would have come to realise that it was just meant as an amusing comment, Merlin was not being critical and was now equally upset for what had slipped out.

Arthur blew his nose and put away his tissue. He was being stupid he knew but he did feel a little better after crying. He knew he was being a baby and the thing which was missing most was someone's arms around him, holding him close and whispering that everything would be all right. Deep down, he knew that if he had a choice who that person would be.

"Have you seen…Merlin?" he asked hesitating over the name.

"Yes, he passed me in the halls about three hours ago. He seemed to be in a hurry."

Arthur cleared his throat and said, "We had a disagreement…well, I started it! I was rude and told him to leave…" he paused a minute before adding sadly, "And then he left…"

Bridie busied herself with Arthur's chart and then said, "Well, I expect you'll see him tomorrow. The two of you are good friends you should be able to sort it out."

"But what if he doesn't come in? I don't really know where he lives." Looking down at his legs, he added, "…and these will be no use to me trying to search all the streets."

Bridie almost said that Gawaine must know his address but stopped herself. She felt that the two of them were right for each other. She really liked Merlin whom she had got to know well but maybe they needed a few days apart. She felt that in the state which Merlin had found himself, a few days away from the hospital might be beneficial.

"Why don't you try to sleep, it's already gone eleven? It will help tomorrow come sooner." She smiled at him and left the room.

She felt that Arthur would benefit from some medication to fall asleep and after she'd had a word with him, the doctor on duty agreed. The nurses kept on eye on him when they were doing their rounds and he seemed to be sleeping restfully. But if they had stayed longer, they would have noticed that he was far from relaxed and every now and again murmured two names…Rupert and Merlin.

-0-0-

Merlin wasn't offered the same attention or care. He was alone. His mind wouldn't relax. He tried to think of his mother, but he couldn't as thoughts of Arthur kept interfering. If only he had delayed his comment by a couple of seconds, he would have or maybe might have, realised that in Arthur's state of mind, it was too close to the truth. It had sounded as if Merlin was referring to his record of being a driver who had through his own fault killed his passenger.

Merlin knew that was incorrect. Nothing Arthur could have done would have stopped Rupert being killed. He was not responsible for the accident only suffering the repercussions for it both in his own body and in his mind. There had been multi fatalities and by the grace of God, Arthur had been the sole survivor.

Around two thirty, Merlin finally crawled into bed. He felt that he was tired enough to sleep but if he did he wasn't conscious of it as he seemed to spent the whole time tossing and turning until finally Spot in disgust jumped off his bed and retreated to the couch. There was just so much a self-respecting cat was willing to take. The tears had been bad enough but the continual murmuring and thrashing was beyond the call of duty of any bed-warmer.

Merlin is driving; he sees the transport truck's first trailer veer onto the soft shoulder then regain the road only to lose control and jack knife. He watches as in slow motion two cars ahead of him, drive into it. He knows he can stop in time but then his beautiful new sports car is side-swiped on the passenger side, struck by the truck's second trailer. He remembers yelling, 'Hang on…!' and then the screeching of tires, the sickening squealing of grinding metal, a human voice screaming and darkness…

The brightness is intense. He has no ability to hear as he floats over the accident site. He picks out the truck and its trailers but the private cars seem to have been crunched beyond recognition. He notices idle police cars and ambulances, none seeming in any hurry to race away from the scene with injured patients.

To one side, two men dressed in rubber aprons and heavy duty black rubber gloves stand beside a car decorated with the sombre word Coroner. His mind doesn't yet process the sights, just acknowledges them as identifying an accident on any busy highway. Two ambulances slowly leave the site without flashing lights.

An air ambulance with its blades slowly revolving is parked on the other side of the dual carriage way. He doesn't notice the miles of stationary cars.

Blue tarpaulins are stretched over pieces of metal which he realises are mangled cars. Paramedics seem to be standing around dejectedly or packing up their supplies, one closes the door on an empty ambulance.

Suddenly, he is able to make out that a hive of activity is taking place near his car or really what remains of it. He notices what to him looks like a blue blanket thrown over an object crumpled on the road near the passenger door. No one seems interested in what lies beneath it.

Paramedics from the helicopter, carry a folded stretcher over a guard rail and across a ditch before climbing back onto this side of the roadway. They approach his car. He can see firemen with what he knows from the movies are the jaws-of-life. He watches as they rip away what had once been a door, then a crooked frame of a windshield and begin to load a patient. It is like watching a cartoon, little figures rushing around with blue lights flashing but no sound.

Slowly, he seems to lose altitude and floats back to earth, landing on the stretcher as it is loaded into the helicopter and he is conscious of sound…the dull thump of the closing doors and his mind screams, 'Arthur!'

His mind does a momentary flip backwards as he is lifted into the sky but this time by a caring dragon. Then there is only darkness…