CHAPTER 13 : A PAINFUL AWAKENING

Merlin woke up exhausted, he only could remember smatterings of a dream but he knew that it had been at times intense. He was feeling very sad. He could feel Spot near his feet and he knew that she wanted her breakfast. He literally hauled himself out of the bed. The effort seemed overwhelming. His whole body seemed drained of energy. He walked to the bathroom, then the kitchen to feed her.

He walked back and got into bed. His clock read eight. He pulled his duvet over himself including his head and tried to clear his mind. It didn't work. He kept hearing Arthur's voice but wouldn't allow himself to repeat the words as he knew it would be too much for him to manage. He wasn't hungry; he just wanted the world to go away. Finally, he poked his head out of the bedding as he was running out of air. He glanced at the clock; it was a quarter to twelve. He was surprised that four hours had passed. He put his hands behind his head, rested his head on them and stared at the ceiling.

He lay there, letting his eyes wander around his bedroom. Usually, one of the bad things about the room was that it was dark as the next door building blocked out most of the daylight however, today, it was a blessing. He decided to let his mind wander aimlessly but it couldn't as it felt that it was in the finally stages of a marathon, pushing, striving, planning, commandeered by months of practice which needed to be fulfilled right now.

He heard a strangled sob realising that it was his own and finally let his mind take him back to where his heart was afraid to go…to Room T527 at St. Swithin's and yesterday.

-0-0-

"Had a heavy date last night, Arthur?" joked the therapist as Arthur struggled more than usual to complete his set of exercises. "Come on, you can do better than that. You're approaching the bars as if you were an octogenarian."

Arthur would normally have answered back but this morning, he only grunted. That was exactly how he felt, an old man with his life behind him waiting expectantly without fear for the end. No energy, no interest, everything had become an effort.

Getting out of bed had been worst. Graham had waited for him to make a move, jotting something on his chart and finally suggesting that they use the sling. Arthur was feeling low but that would have been defeat. He determinedly pulled himself up and shifted over into the wheel chair.

"You know in a couple of weeks, you'll be beyond the wheelchair. Then there'll be no stopping the two of you."

The word two cut right through Arthur. There was no 'two of you', only one.

Graham continued, "Why don't you plan to have supper in the cafeteria with Merlin? He's quite capable of getting you down there. Can't say that the food selection will be fantastic but it will be hot and wholesome and a change of scenery will do you good."

He didn't respond and if Graham noticed, he made no comment. One of the volunteers was waiting in the hall and took him down to therapy.

Graham walked to the desk and called Bridie over, "He's not the same Arthur. Worse, than I've seen him in ages. Can't you get in touch with Merlin to make sure he comes in after work."

Bridie said with her fingers crossed, "I'm sure Merlin will appear and Arthur'll be back to normal in no time."

But Merlin never appeared and by six o'clock, a visitor came but it was Gawaine. He had desperately tried all day to get in touch with Merlin but his phone was off. He had to make a choice, visit Arthur and possibly Merlin would be there or go to Merlin's place and bang on the door until he was let in. The whole situation was stupid. They were best friends and he felt sure that if they could only look at each other, the healing process would begin.

When he found Arthur was alone, he was glad he'd made the decision to go to the hospital. He'd visit Merlin later in the evening. Arthur looked up at him as he came into the room. He was in the armchair near the window with an untouched food tray in front of him.

Gawaine removed it and pulled up a chair…and being Gawaine and having known Arthur for years, he didn't pussy-foot around. "So," he said, "Chased away the best thing that has ever happened to you! What were you thinking? You need him as much as he needs you. Arthur, open your eyes, he's the best thing that has been in your life since…"

"Shut up! It's none of your damned business and if you have come in here to accuse me of something about which you know absolutely nothing, you might as well get out of my sight!"

But Gawaine didn't step down, "Arthur, people are going to make off the cuff remarks. You were on the receiving end and it hurt, I can understand that but was it said to purposely hurt you? I doubt it! Probably, as it left Merlin's lips, he knew that to you it might sound judgemental." He paused hoping his words sank in before he continued, "Come on, Arthur, do you honestly believe, that Merlin had been saving that comment waiting to be able to use it against you?"

He waited for Arthur to reply but he didn't he just kept his head down so he wouldn't have to look Gawaine in the eye. What he was saying made sense but all the hurt he had built up over the last eleven hours was still consciously controlling his mind."

"What did you say to him? For God's sake, Arthur, if you don't come out with it, I can't help you…"

An annoyed voice said, "I never asked for anyone's help and certainly not yours."

"So, you'd prefer to discuss this with a high-priced Harley Street psychiatrist and be told over the weeks exactly what I am now telling you for free. Wake up man…you know he's the best thing since sliced-bread…at least see him and talk it out. If you can't come to an understanding then at least you have tried and you will be able to go on with your life…"

A subdued voice said, "He didn't come in today; I waited for him all day. I know he isn't working…and I waited and waited. I knew what I wanted to say but he never came. I even phoned him but no one picked up." Arthur was feeling miserable but the chance to get it off his chest was helping and he couldn't have spoken to anyone about this but Gawaine.

The next thing he knew two arms were around him and Gawaine was saying, "Arthur, I promise that I will get to him…and say a few choice words to him as well…"

Arthur pulled away and looked straight at Gawaine saying, "Don't frighten him…"

Gawaine said, "When have I ever frightened anyone?"

With a slight smile, Arthur said, "Remember that chap Randy who wouldn't leave me alone. You frightened him off in one meeting and you never did tell me what you did to him."

"…didn't have to do anything to him! Told him that you were my boyfriend and that if he insisted on bothering you, he might find himself minus a couple of body parts upon which he relied!"

Arthur couldn't help but grin, typical Gawaine. He had known since he was seven that he would cover his back if needed. He remembered when they were ten, they had found a dead lamb in one of the fields with its mother trying to nudge it back to life. Gawaine had taken off for the farm and the shepherd had arrived, picked up the lamb and dragged the mother back to the lambing sheds. He'd asked the boys to help and they had put her in a pen and he had arrived back on the scene with twin lambs.

"You don't have to stay!" he had said but Gawaine being very brave had wanted to so, Arthur stayed as well.

Joe had skinned the dead lamb; he had then tied equal pieces of the fleece around the twins and placed them in the corner of the ewe's pen. The babies floundered around bleating. The mothering instinct kicked in again and the ewe came over to investigate. She got the scent of her dead baby and licked first one and then the other. She then allowed them to nurse.

Joe said, "Thank you boys, two orphaned lambs saved." Gawaine had accepted the thanks on their behalf and dragged a still slightly shocked Arthur out of the shed.

That night Arthur hadn't been able to sleep, he was reliving all the gruesome details in his mind. Gawaine came over, sat on his bed and said, "Arthur, the lamb was dead nothing its mother could have done would have made it wake up again. Just think how happy she is now to have two healthy babies. You are so obviously a city boy. Do you want me to climb in with you?" There were twin beds in Gawaine's room but sometimes the two of them were just as happy to share.

Arthur came back to the present and realised that Gawaine had always seemed to know just what was needed to be done and he felt slightly better as with Gawaine looking into things, he knew that all was not lost and that Merlin might one day forgive him.

-0-0-

Gawaine went over to Merlin's after the hospital but could get no answer to his pounding on the door. A neighbour came along saying that he shouldn't expect to get any as he had seen the young man in question in a pub up on Carlysle. Gawaine thanked him. He knew the place, rather rough but the beer was good however, not the type of place that he would expect Merlin to go by himself, Costa's maybe but not The Ironman. If he were in the state in which Gawaine thought he might be in, he was asking for trouble.

He could hear Spot mewing on the other side of the door as she had recognized his voice so he said, "I'll be back and hopefully your good-for-nothing master will be with me!"

In no time Gawaine was at the pub, he spied a dishevelled Merlin in the corner staring into a pint but what worried him more were the empty whiskey glasses on his table. He went to the bar and ordered a Guinness. After a mouthful, he walked over, pulling up a chair and sat down. Without looking up a dejected voice said, "That space's taken!"

Gawaine said gruffly, "Not anymore it ain't!" and waited. Nothing! He tried again, "Shame really as a good looking man like you must be lonely. Want company?"

Gawaine laughed to himself as Merlin said, "Get lost!" Not exactly what he would have expected someone to say when being picked up? A rather sanitised version of what Gawaine might have expected which ending in 'off'.

"You look to me like you need somewhere to sleep," Gawaine continued in the same voice. "My place is near 'ere, not great but almost clean and the bed's been well used." For a second, he wondered how he would cope if Merlin swung at him or even agreed to his proposition. But he knew he wouldn't, the only problem was that the deeper he got into the alcohol the less likely he would be able to make a sane judgement and against his will he might be carted off.

He could see that Merlin was annoyed that his space was being invaded so he said, "Had a bad day, eh!" No response, so Gawaine stood saying, "You missed your opportunity…plenty like you around here!" He'd finished his drink so he went back to the bar and ordered another. He sat watching out for Merlin and soon saw a character glance around slyly before approaching his table. He said something and Merlin nodded and the guy went to the bar to get two drinks.

He still hadn't decided what to do when he noticed the chap putting his hand on Merlin's thigh making him jump and spill his drink. He'd had enough. He walked over and tapped the other chap on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, I think there must be some mistake. Get you hand off my boyfriend's thigh and we'll forget that you even did it."

At Gawaine's voice, Merlin looked up and Gawaine could see the pain in his eyes. Knowing that he was towering over the stranger, he said, for the second time that night, "If you insist on bothering him, you might find yourself minus a couple of body parts upon which you rely!"

The man lumbered up saying in a slurred tone, "Should look better after your possessions…" and lurched across the room.

Merlin seemingly unfazed by the situation in which he was, suddenly said, Ga...waine?" and grinned drunkenly.

-0-0-

At last, Gawaine had negotiated the stairs up to Merlin's. Not that the latter had been of any help as he just wanted to babble on about 'my fwend Arfa' and as he didn't seem to be able to talk and walk at the same time, Gawaine had finally told him to shut up and half dragged him along the streets.

Upon reaching the door, Merlin seemed surprised that it was locked. "Closed!" he said with a sigh and a questioning look on his face. "Do we live here?" he asked Gawaine.

"Keys?" said Gawaine trying not to laugh.

"Yes…" said Merlin but made no attempt to produce them. In desperation, Gawaine searched his pockets and came up with a set of keys.

Merlin's eye's lit up and he said, "Surprise!"

Gawaine handed them to him and said, "Open the door!"

There was a lot of fumbling with the keys and finally Gawaine said, "Give them to me!" He unlocked the door and helped Merlin in.

"You're very good at opening doors…did I ever tell you that, Ga…waine?"

Gawaine felt sure that if Arthur had seen him like this he would have smiled. There is nothing enjoyable about a drunk but a drunk Merlin was the exception to the rule. He was still his usually charming self even if he had regressed maybe fifteen years.

"Bed!" He'd announced as he walked into the flat but Gawaine guided him first to the bathroom and then helped him to his bedroom.

Gawaine didn't even try to talk to him, he got him out of his pants and managed to get him onto the bed. He realised that Merlin hadn't drunk that much just that as a non-drinker, the beer and possibly whiskeys had done their job much faster than they would have on Arthur or himself. He handed him a mug of water and insisted, "Drink it all down like a good little boy!" He shook his head as he pulled the duvet over him saying quietly, "Merlin, what are we going to do with you?"

He looked in the fridge and found some cat food and gave the cat a couple of spoonfuls. He also found some cheese and in the cupboard some bread. He made himself a snack, he hadn't eaten since two o'clock and he was hungry. He couldn't find any beer so he settled for a Pepsi.

Turning on the TV, he sat watching a few inane programmes and finally turned it off. Grabbing the throw on the couch, he threw it over himself and went to sleep. He never took sick days but he intended then and there to phone in sick tomorrow and get this mess between Arthur and Merlin straightened out.

-0-0-

Arthur hadn't slept well but managed to get through his morning physio. Every time the door opened or even someone passed the door way, his heart tried to tell his brain that it was Merlin. The Head of Therapy asked to see him to tell him that he was being moved to a room on 6R the rehab floor. He'd still be a patient at St. Swithin's but relocated closer to its rehab facilities.

Arthur's first thought was, 'Merlin won't know where to find me!' He asked, "When?"

Checking the files, the specialist said, "It looks like sometime this p.m. Don't worry about the move, everything in your room will be transferred over here and the nurses on T5 will redirect your visitors to your new room." He glanced at his computer screen before saying, "Your family must be pleased with your progress, you've done exceedingly well in a short time." Arthur just nodded. "Once we get you organised, you will be able to walk from your new room to the therapy rooms. There are railing along all the corridors and I think…" he glanced again at his clipboard,"…that with one assistant you will be able to do just fine. Nice seeing you again, Arthur. It'll be a pleasure to have you on Six."

Arthur wheeled himself out of the office leaving the doctor to wonder why Arthur's file was flagged for 'Restricted Visitors' and 'Special Attention'. None of his business really, he and his staff just had to get him mobile and back to the world outside. He liked the chap as he really worked hard and was determined.

Arthur returned to his room. He had to improve and fast as if Merlin never showed up he intended to track him down and to do so he would have to be walking under his own steam.

-0-0-

Merlin was surprised to wake in the morning to a glass full of water and some paracetamol on his bedside table. He shook his head, causing pain and he tried to remember when he had put them by his bed but he shrugged and took them. He put his feet on the floor with an effort; he hadn't felt this rotten for a long time. 'Damn flu!' he thought to himself. He heaved himself off the bed and felt nauseous. He hung onto the furniture as he wandered towards the bathroom. The door was shut but he just barged in and was surprised to see Gawaine stripped to his waist having a wash.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you to knock, Merlin?" he asked.

Merlin stood wide-eyed, "Gawaine?"

"I hope so," Gawaine said. "How are you feeling?"

"Desperate!" said Merlin and Gawaine moved out of the way of the toilet. "What are you doing here?"

"You don't remember?" Merlin shook his head and wished he hadn't as that damn pain was there again. Gawaine saw him wince and continued, "Did you take the pills?"

"Yes! Was it you who put them there? What happened I don't understand?"

Gawaine towelled himself off and put his sweater back on. "Come on, get something on and I'll tell you over breakfast."

"I won't be eating anything as I think I have the flu."

Gawaine smiled knowingly. Merlin nonetheless finally arrived in the kitchen.

"Sit down, we can't have any conversation on an empty stomach." Gawaine handed him a cereal bowl with a little oatmeal and a half a banana, "It's already eleven o'clock so you can pretend its brunch. Eat what you can but until you eat a proper breakfast, we can't talk seriously about Arthur."

It were as if Gawaine had hit him in the stomach, Merlin hunched over as everything became clear. "I…I went out drinking to forget…"

"Well, it was lucky that I came along as you might have woken in an alleyway or worse in a stranger's bed. Merlin, why didn't you come to me first? We would have been able to figure something out."

"I didn't think that anyone knew that anything had happened." He paused and furrowed his brow before saying, "I guess, I owe Bridie thanks for telling you."

Gawaine took away his bowl and gave him a small portion of scrambled egg on half a muffin. He nodded at him to eat it before he started talking again, "Actually, I visited Arthur last evening and he was in a real state. He asked me to check up on you. Spot was absolutely no use at telling me where you'd gone…" This caused Merlin to smile. "But luckily one of your neighbours had seen you at The Ironman." He shook his head, "Merlin, not the best place to experiment getting drunk by yourself."

Merlin was obviously hungry and the pills had taken away some of his headache. He looked ashamed at causing so much trouble. Suddenly, he said sitting upright as he remembered the mention of brunch, "Gawaine, you're going to be really late for work."

"It's all right, I phoned in sick. Well, you were sick and as I never take days off, it seemed like a plausible reason. Do you want the other half of the muffin?"

Merlin reached for it. Somehow with Gawaine sitting in his kitchen, his life didn't seem so out of control so he said, "I've finished my food can we talk about Arthur now, please?"

Gawaine nodded…