CHAPTER 14 : THAT SINKING FEELING

Graham had mentioned to Arthur that he would miss him as he'd heard that he was being relocated to R6 and would probably no longer need him. Arthur knew that his father had hired Graham and Sheila as his private nurses and that when he had taken over all responsibility for his hospital stay he also held their contracts. So he said, "Has the agency offered you another job?"

Graham said that he had decided he would take a break before putting himself back on the actively seeking employment lists. His wife and he planned to go on a holiday once this contract was up.

"You never mentioned a wife!"

"Well, I didn't intentionally keep her a secret, I guess being married just never came up in the conversation. Her name's Jennifer and she works with autistic children."

Arthur nodded and smiled, for once pleased to be rich he said, "How about a three weeks paid holiday and then you return again as my private nurse? I live alone so when I leave here, I will still need some help and better the devil you know…and all that rot! We get along, so why don't you consider my offer? No hurry, no pressure, talk it over with your wife and you can let me know."

"I'd be only too happy to continue in your employ, Mr. Pendragon."

Arthur laughed, "No need to get all formal, it's still Arthur. Today, you can do me a favour and oversee that all my stuff is transferred to 6R, I don't have much, just my laptop and various paperwork. Nothing too personal but I don't relish the idea of snooping eyes." He was thinking of the photo which Bridie had taken of him and Merlin.

With that, an aide came to escort him to therapy. Arthur was in a much better frame of mind than yesterday, he knew that Gawaine was on the case and he should be getting some news once he'd finished work. He also intended to quiz him about the goings on at work, he might be out of the office but Pendragon Holdings was still his future with or without his father.

-0-0-

As Merlin had finished eating, Gawaine got up poured another cup of tea and waited for Merlin to say something.

"I had been so careful from the very beginning, running things through my mind before saying anything. But we were so relaxed, the day had been almost perfect and without thinking I opened my mouth and my world came crushing down around me. The look on Arthur's face wrung my heart and there was nothing to say or do which could take back what I had said. Arthur looked stricken, shoulders slumped and he told me to leave.

"Luckily, Bridie saw me, honestly Gawaine, I don't think I would have arrived home safely if I had left the hospital immediately. I couldn't get Arthur's face out of my mind. He hates me. It was as if I were his worst enemy and had just delivered the fatal blow. Help me! I can't go on like this…" He put his head in his hands.

"He doesn't hate you as why would he have sent me to check up on you?" said Gawaine, "I think we need to get the two of you in a neutral place and just let you talk it out. Arthur seems to be as upset as you are; I can lead the two of you to water but can't force either of you to drink! It will be your decision where it goes from there."

Merlin feeling better stood up; Arthur had been worried about him. That was good, wasn't it? He said, "I'm ready! Let's go! I feel confident now, but how I will feel by the time I reach T5, is anyone's guess."

Gawaine felt sure that once they saw each other it would work out. Merlin was being the brave one as he had been the recipient of Arthur's anger or was it hurtful disappointment. He said, "You'll be all right. Just be yourself and listen to what he has to say. The worse outcome will be that I will just drown the two of you! Merlin had almost smiled, "However, might I recommend that before we leave, you get dressed. As cute as you look, I hardly think that a dressing gown over underwear is the correct outfit to travel to the hospital," and then he smiled thinking that maybe that might have been the right thing for Merlin to wear.

Merlin glanced down at himself giving a slight grin, "I've seen him in less…!"

Gawaine sat watching TV as Merlin showered and changed. He came out when ready, he looked such a different person than the man he had dragged home and put to bed last night. His eyes were brighter, his head held high, neatly dressed, he looked like a man on a mission. Gawaine thought that if he could have wrapped him in a bubble and just deposited him at Arthur's door everything might work out but he knew that the closer they got to St. Swithin's, doubt would again creep in and his confidence would diminish.

-0-0-

Arthur looked around the room he was going to call his own for the next few weeks.

It was a bright corner room with a double aspect and the hospital had tried to make it less institutionalised. Someone, probably Graham had placed Merlin's plants on one of the sills. There was the regulation hospital bed but it had a colourful throw over it. A couch with a couple of armchairs and pillows to match the bed cover, a television which he intended to upgrade to a larger model the following day, were placed at the end of the room. Studio apartment is wasn't but it was a room suitable for transitioning to home.

There was an ensuite with his toiletries beside the sink. The room resembled more a wet room than a regular bathroom but he was pleased to see a separate shower stall as well as a bath, something which he had not had in a long time. To begin with he had learned to shower seated on a special wheeled shower chair but more recently with Graham in attendance, he had managed to stand as he clung onto the support bars. It had been a big step towards freedom and he had been so proud of himself, even mentioning it to Merlin. The name brought back a flood of memories but he warned himself to stay positive as Gawaine would be coming soon.

There was a small kitchen area with a table and two chairs, a fridge and sink. He checked the lower cupboards and found dishes and cutlery. He guessed that this was also part of his therapy, sitting or possibly standing to prepare a snack and clean up after himself.

His few clothes were in the cupboard and his laptop he knew Graham had probably locked away in one of the drawers.

He wheeled himself over to the window. He looked out and got the same view as the terrace off the sunroom and he smiled. Once, he and Merlin got things straightened out they could hopefully go there again. He made himself comfortable, opened his phone checking for messages and waited.

-0-0-

Merlin got quieter the closer he got to the hospital. It was warm so he and Gawaine had walked. They got to the fifth floor trauma wing which seemed deserted. Gawaine's phone rang and he looked at it saying, "Bridie!"

Merlin nodded and motioned that he would go on ahead. The nurses' station was empty but he could see figures down one of the hallways talking. He continued to Arthur's corridor. The guard was not at his desk but his screen was still on. Merlin walked along to 527 but the door was closed. He tapped on it, no answer so he presumed Arthur was dozing and he walked it.

The sight of the stripped bed did something to not only his heart but his knees. He stumbled back against the doorjamb. He'd heard from his mother that in any hospital situation, an unexpectedly empty bed was frightening for a family member or a visitor. They always assumed the worse. Now, he was experiencing it first hand.

Where was Arthur? What had happened? Thoughts of death and foreboding flashed through his mind. Had he been rushed to surgery? Where was he? Had Uther taken him to another facility against his will? His mind was racing.

Usually, a staff member would have intercepted Merlin or even the guard could have told him that Arthur had been moved but with no one around, he had walked into the empty room. Somewhere in his mind, he heard footsteps but his eyes were riveted to the empty bed.

Bridie had phoned to give Gawaine the heads up that Arthur had been moved to R6 as a room had become available on that floor. Figuring that the nurses would redirect Merlin, Gawaine waited near the lifts for him to reappear. He made arrangements to meet Bridie once he'd seen that Merlin and Arthur were not going to kill each other.

She had laughed saying that Arthur was in a much better frame of mind today and that she didn't think his intervention would be needed.

Gawaine waited and when Merlin didn't appear, he decided to find him. A nurse was at the nurses' station but when questioned she had not seen Merlin. The guard was again on duty but he hadn't seen him either. Seems there had been a situation with a visitor and he had been called to help.

Gawaine noticed that the door to 527 was open so he wandered along the corridor to see if maybe Merlin had been detained by someone. What met his eyes was unexpected. Merlin was leaning against the door jamb, his face frozen in shock and his hands clasped as if he were praying. He put his hand on his shoulder and Merlin jumped.

He turned; saw Gawaine and his face broke, "They have taken him away and I don't know where he is!"

Gawaine put his arms around him and said, "It's all right. He's been moved to the rehab floor…."

"Nobody told me…" he said in tears. He pushed Gawaine away, embarrassed as he was acting like a baby.

"You've had a shock. It's all right. You need to take a few minutes and calm yourself before we go to Arthur, as he'll think I've done something awful to you and I don't want to be a recipient of his anger," Gawaine said with a laugh.

Merlin wiped his eyes on this sleeve and tried to smile, "I was so worried about what kind of a reception I was going to get that I guess I flipped. Awful things went through my head, I blamed myself for upsetting him and thought that maybe his doctor had notified Uther and he had had him moved. But, the worse was that for a second I thought he might have died and I hadn't had the chance to apologise."

Gawaine put his arm around his shoulder and said, "We'll get you something to drink…" then he grinned adding, "…something non-alcoholic!"

Merlin smiled; already the awful tightness in his chest had gone and his legs felt stronger. He had intended to be so strong and now he was a wreck. He decided to give Gawaine's suggestion a chance telling him, "If after fifteen minutes I still feel this way, I am going to postpone seeing Arthur until I am more in control of myself."

Gawaine's face fell.

-0-0-

Gawaine got tea and put some extra sugar in Merlin's, "Now, drink it up, we don't want to keep Arthur waiting. He should be in his new room and getting settled."

"I need to get him something for his room. A plant…"

"I'm sure that they would have moved his plants. Did you notice them in 527?"

Merlin shook his head, "I could only see the empty bed everything else was a blur."

He finished his tea and the biscuit Gawaine had got him. "Now, are we ready to track down this elusive man?" Gawaine asked. Merlin nodded and stood up.

They took the lift to the sixth floor and Gawaine went to the nurses' station and said, "We were told on T5 that Arthur Pendragon has been moved up here."

She glanced at the sheet in front of her and said, "Yes, Mr. Pendragon is on this floor. Your names, please?" They told her and waited as she seemed to check another list. "He's in 638. It's down that hallway and then you turn right and there is a security desk. You will have to check in there."

Gawaine who usually saw something funny in every situation, asked if that was because Mr. Pendragon was showing signs of being rebellious. The nurse had obviously used up all her sense of humour as she just glared at him and pointed the way. Merlin however thought that the idea of Arthur being under strict security funny. He could only take a couple of steps on his own and the thought of his racing around causing mayhem struck him as ridiculous. He laughed out loud and was rewarded with a glare. They both knew that it was to protect Arthur from unwelcome guests.

They got the all-clear at security and walked to the end of the corridor as directed by the person on duty. Sure enough 638 was on the right.

The door was closed over so Gawaine tapped on it and motioned for Merlin to walk in. He was right behind him but he knew that for Arthur, Merlin's arrival was more important.

Arthur looked up and in front of him was the person he had been hoping to see for twenty-four hours. He just said, "Merlin…?"

Merlin nodded and Gawaine gave him a little nudge in the back to propel him further into the room.

Arthur got all flustered as if he thought that Merlin might fly away. He seemed tongue tied but he managed to say, "…you came!"

Shrugging slightly with a little smile, Merlin said, "…I couldn't stay away."

Arthur then nodded at Gawaine who said, "I'm not staying. Bridie has an early supper break and we're going to nip out to Nandos and pick up something. They shouldn't be too busy at this time. Is it safe for me to leave the two of you alone? I don't want to come back and find fur and feathers all over this lovely room."

Merlin moved to behind Arthur's chair as Arthur said, turning to look at Merlin over his shoulder, "No, I think we'll be all right alone…maybe better alone, eh Merlin?"

"Well then, I'll see you later." Gawaine smiled to himself as he left the room, the two of them had a lot to talk about and clearing the air would be easier without an onlooker.

-0-0-

Arthur said, "Would you like to sit on the couch or in the armchair?"

Merlin glanced around at the space and decided that he could get Arthur's chair closer to the couch. "The couch…" he said quietly.

They sat side by side, separated by the arms of both the couch and the wheel chair.

Arthur shifted his chair so that his knees were closer to Merlin's. He took a deep breath and folding his hands in his lap, he looked down at them as if they were suddenly safer to look at than Merlin. He cleared his voice and said softly, "I've been bloody stupid! I realised as soon as you walked out that you had no intention of being malicious. In that instance, I knew that you had said what you did innocently and were not referring to my accident. I guess I'm still a little raw when it comes to someone questioning my driving ability." Merlin went to interrupt but Arthur said, "No, let me continue…

"Realising that you had actually left the room was one of the worse times in my life. I wanted to run after you and hang onto you, but I couldn't." He glanced at Merlin for the first time and said, "I was frustrated, my legs were practically useless and you had walked out the door, shutting it behind you. I got as far as the door but I couldn't manage to open it." Merlin went to say something but Arthur shook his head, "Please hear me out, Merlin!" He waited and Merlin nodded.

"I was in a real mess, I was scared that something might happen to you on your way home and that I would never be able to apologise for being so stupid and telling you to get out…and more importantly that I would never see you again. Merlin, I couldn't bear that. You are like an annoying splinter which has made its way under my skin and there is nothing which I can do to dislodge it."

Merlin said, "Annoying?" with a slight smile. Just sitting next to Arthur, listening to him, seeing him face to face, was healing the pain he had felt when he had been told to get out.

"You know what I mean, not annoying, I don't know maybe bothering," he smiled at Merlin, "…disturbing but in the nicest way. No amount of persuading myself that you don't count, will work. I have trained myself to be independent all my life. I needed no one and I wouldn't let anyone feel that they needed me. I had friends, I enjoyed life but I never let anyone get close enough that they might, should they abandoned me, cause me pain.

"Honestly, I am a mess. Whatever happened to my body seems to have affected my mind. I never used to be so emotional but now everything is so in the present. I hardly think of the future just how I will cope today and then I see you and wish that I had met you when I was my other self. I was active, opinionated and capable and I think lots of fun." He paused and Merlin raised his eyebrows.

Arthur smiled and said, "Well, Gawaine said I was!

"And then I literally wake up one day conscious that I have someone in my life whom I have never met but about whom I feel I know so much…who is undemanding, faithful and understanding…and I realise that I am falling for him. Merlin, I have an awful feeling that you are going to be stuck with me for life!"

Merlin moved closer to the arm of the couch, he placed his hand flat on it within Arthur's grasp not initiating anything.

Arthur placed his hand over Merlin's as he said, "Can we be friends again?"

Shifting himself so that he was now balanced on the couch almost facing Arthur, Merlin smiled and said, "Yes, Arthur I believe we can!"

Merlin was shocked when he realised that tears were streaming down Arthur's face but he just reached forward and brushed them away saying, "The last forty-six hours were the worst in my life. Well, except for when I thought I'd lost Spot but she was hiding on top of the cupboard."

"Forty-six hours, come on Merlin?"

"No, I counted them. I lay in bed not wanting to get up. I figured I didn't need to and that I could go a week without eating," he added as a second thought, "…but I'd have to get up to pee."

Arthur smiled, "There's nothing to you, you'd have wasted away!"

"I have a hidden reserve of fat on my body that would have seen me through."

"Well, I can't see it! You might have ended up in hospital as well…"

Merlin looked serious and suddenly very upset, he sought out Arthur's eyes and said very quietly, "Arthur, I did something really stupid, I thought you didn't want me anymore, I was lonely so I went out to a pub and…"

Arthur's heart clenched, he didn't want to hear Merlin's confession. He couldn't bear it if Merlin were to tell him that he had been with someone else. He couldn't…Merlin was his alone to love, he didn't want to think of anyone else touching him…