Tezuka replaced the wilting roses with orange and white lilies. He then sat down next to the bed and held a pale smaller hand in his. It's been three months since he received a call from the hospital, three months since he returned and stayed by Fuji's side.
The young photographer hasn't awoken since the accident. Tezuka still held that small amount of hope left in him. Somehow, he insisted on thinking that one way or another, Fuji would awaken and they could continue to love eachother unconditionally. Even when the doctors told him his angel was brain dead.
Over the past few months, the doctors have been removing less and less bandages and casts, the neck brace long removed. The only thing bothering Tezuka was the excessive amount of tubes inside Fuji's body. A couple ran down his mouth, a feeding tube, and IVs in his arms for medication and nutrients.
He brought the hand up to his lips, gently caressing the skin with his thumb. He wanted to see those blue eyes open again, looking at him with great adornment. He brushed aside the loose strands of brown hair on Fuji's forehead, admiring the sleeping man's features.
"Wake up soon, Syusuke. When you do, we'll get you all rested and better and we'll finally get married." The thought of marrying Fuji Syusuke brought a small smile on Tezuka's face. He didn't care if his tournament had been cut short; he was looking for any excuse to go back to Germany, back to Fuji's hold again.
"Kunimitsu." Tezuka turned around to meet the yes of his parents.
"Mother, Father. Why didn't you tell me you were visiting?" Tezuka greeted his parents with loving embraces, allowing them to see Fuji's condition. "He's gotten better since the first day they brought him here. It won't be long until he wakes up."
Ayana and Kuniharu both exchanged glances. Hadn't the doctor told their son? Had they not explained to him that Fuji brain dead is Fuji dead?
"Son-"
"The two of you must be tired. I apologize for my rudeness." Tezuka grabbed Fuji's hand again. "Syusuke, I'm going back home to let Mother and Father settle down. I'll be right back." He placed a chaste kiss on the pale forehead, leading his parents out of the room.
After dinner, Tezuka pulled out a small suitcase, packing clothing for the next week or so. He decided he'd be spending the next seven or more days by Fuji's side. He let his parents in his room after hearing their knock.
"Kunimitsu? What are you doing?" His mother asked, watching her son fold more clothes in the suitcase.
"What does it look like, Mother? I'm staying at the hospital for the next few days. I don't want to be away if he wakes up."
"What about training?" His father asked.
Tezuka didn't hesitate to answer. "Training will have to wait. Right now, Syusuke's recovery is the most important thing."
Kuniharu gave his son a heartrending gaze. "Son… Didn't the doctors tell you already?"
"Tell me what?" Tezuka continued packing, picking out pieces of clothing from the closet and folding them in the suitcase.
"That… that Syusuke won't ever wake up." Kuniharu's voice was barely audible.
"Yes, Father. They tried scaring me with that, but I know Syusuke. I know he won't leave me. He'll wake up you'll see." Tezuka abruptly stopped feeling a hand on his. Glancing up, he met the eyes of his mother. Tears streamed down her face. "Mother? Are- are you alright?" Tezuka stood up, wiping away the tears.
"Kunimitsu," she sobbed, "Syusuke won't ever wake up. He's not responding to any medications given to him… He's… he's already… he's already dead."
Tezuka refused. He refused to believe his Syusuke was dead. He refused to believe that his Syusuke would never open those beautiful blue eyes of his, refused to believe that his Syusuke would never kiss him good morning, kiss him goodnight.
His hands clenched into a fist, as he said in denial, "No He's not dead."
"Kunimitsu-"
"No! He's just sleeping. He'll wake up again, he has to!" Tezuka sounded like a child arguing with his parents, refusing to accept the reality.
"It's been three months, my son. The doctors told you Syusuke was brain dead after the second week. You need to let him go. Let him rest peacefully."
His father's words dug deeper in his conscience. Fuji was dead. It was just Tezuka's stubbornness and denial that kept the young man alive. He didn't want to accept it. No, he absolutely refused. Not after all they've been through.
Tezuka's parents let their son think things through, let the news of long ago finally click in his mind. Fuji had been attached to a ventilator for almost three months. It was the only thing keeping him alive. Tezuka remembered.
Fuji shoved the child out of the way and received all the impact of the speeding sliding car, hitting him directly. His brain was damaged and several of his bones were snapped in pieces. If he lived, he'd be paralyzed from the chest down. It surprised the doctors to see the man fighting the injuries for two weeks before his brain stopped responding.
Tezuka's rough fingers gently traced Fuji's smaller hands. He sat on the chair beside the bed, holding Fuji's hand tightly.
"You were probably scared, weren't you Syusuke? You wouldn't have cared if you got hit, but you didn't want to die yet, did you?" He didn't stop the tears that gently spilled from his eyes. "I've left you alone so many times. I let you wait for so long and for what? We never even got married. Five years of engagement was more than enough. You waited for me until the very end, but all I did was let you down. And for that, I apologize." If only. If only Fuji woke up, he would've told Tezuka he wasn't mad, that he loved Tezuka, and that they could get married whenever the athlete deemed himself ready.
But Tezuka was ready. He had been for years; he just feared of what the future may bring them if they did get married.
Fuji's family came to visit a week later, saying their good-byes to their son and brother. Tezuka couldn't watch their reaction. They entrusted him to protect their beloved child and younger brother and aniki. Seeing their crying faces, hearing their weeps and good-byes just made it all clear to him. Fuji would never wake up. No matter how long he waited, no matter how hard he wished, he would never wake up. He had to accept it.
He watched them carefully. He watched as the doctors turned off the machines, slowly took out the tubes in his body, and let his heart work until it couldn't beat anymore. When they were done, the doctors and nurses left Tezuka alone with his love.
Tezuka lay beside Fuji, admiring the man's features. His hand gently touched the pale cheek, small drops of crystals falling from the hazel eyes.
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
He kissed the strands of brown hair on Fuji's forehead before resting his head on the still form's chest, feeling it rise and fall so slowly.
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Fuji took one more deep breath and slowly let it out before going completely still, his chest lacking movement. Tezuka couldn't hear his heartbeat anymore and the heart rate monitor showed a continuous flat line.
"Syusuke…"
So please don't take
My sunshine away.
The next few weeks became a blur. Fuji's visitation, the funeral, dealing with the empty house after the events, it all merged together into one blur. Tezuka didn't even train anymore. He didn't show up for interviews or for physical therapy. He locked himself up in their room, surrounding himself with emptiness. Pictures of Fuji were taken down and hidden. And when he did go out, he'd see newspapers or magazines with Fuji's death as a headline, he'd buy them, tear the pages with the news of the young photographer's death and shred them to strands. Chains and locks hung loosely in front of the door of Fuji's office, photo albums thrown into the empty spare bedroom, and glasses of strong liquor filled the refrigerator.
Yukimura and Sanada finally visited, adjusting to Tezuka's coping mechanism. The athlete sat in the dining room with half empty bottles of vodka and brandy. His hair was disheveled and it looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. Yukimura and Sanada sat on either side of the other man. He didn't even acknowledge his visitor.
"What the hell are you doing with yourself, Tezuka?" Yukimura finally asked, taking the glass away. "You know this isn't what he would've wanted you to do, right? He would want you to move on and live the rest of your life. This is-"
"Shut up!" Tezuka cried, throwing the small glass towards Yukimura, barely missing his face, before hitting the far wall and breaking into pieces "Damn it, what the hell do you know about what I'm going through? You have no right to console me!" Tezuka grabbed the bottle of whisky and drank the rest straight from the bottle.
Yukimura growled and grabbed Tezuka by his shirt collar. "Listen to me, god damn it! What do you think Fuji will say when he sees you like this? Do you honestly think he would want the love of his life to be suffering? Do him a favor and at least start feeling something again!"
Tezuka tried to pry the other man off of him, but Yukimura resisted and pinned the other athlete beneath him down on the rugged floor.
"Please stop this. Everytime you hurt yourself, you're hurting him, too. Just think about it that way." Yukimura's voice cracked, like he was trying to hold back his tears.
He tried as best as he could to let his brain function rationally again. Tezuka stared deep into those dark blue eyes. "Be honest with me, Yukimura. Do… do you think he was happy? Being loved by me? Do you think he was happy with the life he lived with me?"
The other man slowly loosened his grip. "Yes. Fuji loved you just as much as you loved him. Of course he'd be happy."
"I… I wanted to be with im longer. I wanted to love him just for a little bit more. Was that too much to ask?"
Tezuka wanted to get married to Fuji, he wanted to share the joy of their success, to travel around the world with Fuji, and to love Fuji even after death.
"I wanted so much more."
Sanada hauled Yukimura off the ground and helped Tezuka back on his feet. "In that case, I think you should read this." Sanada held out a small envelope addressed to Yukimura from Fuji. "He sent this about a year ago. I think you should read it."
The two men gave Tezuka some space and left the room, taking the bottles of alcohol with them. Tezuka was hesitant at first. What could be so important in a letter not even addressed to him? In the end, he opened the envelope and unfolded the paper. Seeing Fuji's handwriting made him want to cry.
Yukimura Seiichi,
How have you been? I apologize for not sending you a letter for months. The company suddenly felt like putting me in charge of everything photography and editing. It seemed so long ago since the last time I sent the letter about Kunimitsu's win here. Speaking of which, I hope you don't mind me bragging to you about my love again.
Today, we visited the countryside for a walk. It was just the two of us, and no one else. I don't think even the media knew where we were. And that's the way I like it. I'm sure you've felt like that before, Seiichi, being loved unconditionally to the point where you think it's all a dream. You try to wake yourself up, but you end up realizing it's all reality. And at that moment, you feel like crying because none of it's an illusion. Today, Kunimitsu showed me great love. And it wasn't all about the kissing or hugs; it was more of, happiness. He smiled nonstop, holding my hand, giving me kisses here and there, looking at me with those affectionate eyes. I've never felt so much love with such simple gestures. I could only hope that he felt the same. He slept in my arms during our trip. He looked extremely handsome asleep, the way he lay his head on my shoulder and everytime he moved closer to me everytime I try to move away made me fall in love with him all over again. I thought I already was, but it was a nice confirmation.
You may or may not believe in miracles, but to me, Kunimitsu is my miracle. He has made me into a better man. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with anyone else but him. To be honest with you, I don't care if I die today. I feel complete knowing Kunimitsu loves me with all his heart. Seiichi, if I'm dreaming right now, I wouldn't want to wake up. I love him in ways I didn't know existed. And I've been loved in a way I didn't know was possible. I want to stay by his side, watching him proudly, cheering him on, supporting him, and making him happy the way he's done for me. I want to get married to him and live the life we both want. I could never get tired of telling him I love him. Because three little words have millions of meanings. I hope he knows which ones they are. I just want to thank him for being my reason to look forward to tomorrow.
Alright, Seiichi, I'll stop now. I hope to hear about you and Sanada in the near future. Please come visit us anytime. I'll see the both of you soon.
Much Love,
Syusuke.
"Being your reason to look forward to tomorrow." Tezuka repeated that line over and over in his head. Fuji wanted to thank him? He didn't care if tears stained his face and the paper as he reread the letter. It was short, but filled with such lovely memories.
Inside the envelope were two small pictures from the trip Fuji described in the letter. One was of Tezuka leaning on a tree and looking out on the field in front of him with a distant look in his eyes. Then, Tezuka cried harder seeing the other one. He was laying his head on Fuji's shoulder while the other man's arms were around him. Fuji was staring at him with such an affectionate glance. He missed those eyes so much.
He walked out of the dining room and found Yukimura and Sanada sitting across from each other in the living room. They stood up the moment Sanada locked eyes with him.
Yukimura stared at the envelope with the letter and pictures being held out by the man in front of him. "Keep it. I have 700 hundred more." Yukimura said with a slight amusement in his voice. "Fuji sent me so many of them, but I think that's the only one that didn't brag about your success or about your love at night life. For once, I could connect with him through that letter. And the pictures, please keep them. He would've wanted you to have them."
"Thank you." Tezuka said, finally finding his voice. "For everything."
He squinted his eyes, trying to get used to the bright lights. Glancing up, he saw the most beautiful sight. Suddenly, dazzling blue eyes met his. He reached up to touch the soft pale cheek, as if he wasn't sure if the other figure was real.
"Syusuke?"
The man smiled. "Good morning, Kunimitsu." That voice. Oh how he missed that voice.
"What are you doing here? I- I thought you were-"
"I didn't get to say a proper good-bye. So I figured I should stay for a little bit. You don't mind do you?" A small smile planted on his face as he talked.
Tezuka shifted so they faced eachother. "No, of course not. Stay as long as you want." He moved one hand on Fuji's waist, pulling the smaller man closer, the other caressing Fuji's cheek. "I miss you."
Fuji touched his forehead to Tezuka's. "I miss you, too." He leaned forward and pressed his lips against the taller man's. "Kunimitsu?" He murmured in between kisses. "Can you promise me something?"
Tezuka pulled back, staring deeply in those beautiful, captivating spheres of sapphire. "Anything."
A slight hesitation occurred in Fuji before he continued, "Promise me to stay healthy? Promise me you'll keep playing tennis until your body gives in? Promise me, please promise me to never stop loving. I don't care if you love another man to-"
"No." Suddenly, Tezuka's sharp voice cut in. "No, Syusuke. I will never love any other man." Just the thought of it made the athlete want to throw up. "I will never give anyone else all my love and attention. My heart belongs to you, forever and always."
A wide smile spread across Fuji's angelic face. "Then just promise me to stay happy, healthy, and continue to play tennis. That's all I'm asking for."
Tezuka kissed him again. "I promise." He wrapped his arms around Fuji, burying his face in his love's neck. "I love you, Syusuke."
"I love you, too, Kunimitsu. Tell me again?"
"I love you."
"Again?" Fuji's voice grew fainter.
"I love you."
"Again?" His voice now barely audible, but Tezuka still responded, "I love you."
The other night dear,
As I lay sleeping,
I dreamed I held you
Here in my arms
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken.
So I hung my head
And I cried.
A year passed since Fuji's accident and Tezuka became one of the world's best tennis players. Even if he had several men wanting to court him, Tezuka remained single, going out with old friends from time to time. But no one could ever replace Syusuke in his heart.
As he stepped on the court, he smiled at the familiar tennis player across from him.
"Lets go, Echizen."
Ryoma grinned, shifting his hat back. "I'm taking this game, Tezuka. It's revenge for that last tournament."
Tezuka's smile remained as he bounced the ball a couple of times before he tossed it up in the air. The tungsten band around his finger shined brightly in the sun.
Syusuke, this is for you.
PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! Yes I know, I enjoy killing Syusuke! But how can you resist? It'll be the last time... Maybe... hopefully... probably not. But I hope you liked it? No? That's okay! Btw, if you listen to "You are my sunshine" in a slow version, it's so much better. That's where the lyrics are from and no they are not mine either... Thank you guys for reading it and till next time, Love you forever, AIR