It's What's Inside That Counts (By Brooke Allison)
How they ended up at some dog wash parlour or whatever it was, was completely beyond Kanda's range of understanding... however, his range of cuss words made up for this as he spat them out one by one as Lenalee secured the apron thingy on his waist.
"All right," she declared, clapping her hands together. Her eyes ran over Kanda, Allen and Lavi and she smiled. "Let's get started."
Their first – "poor unsuspecting victim." "Shut the fuck up, rabbit." – customer was a Cocker Spaniel called – "I now deem you, Usagi!" "Last time I checked, this goddamn animal was a freaking inu." "You underestimate me so, Yuu." – Maxie – "How horribly original, you poor, poor thing. Usagi sounds much better." "Oi! Baka! Just start rinsing the damn creature down!" – at the tender age of two years old.
"Right, we need to shampoo, condition, throw a rinse in there somewhere, prune, groom, trim and then – holy hell check out the size of the balls on this fella!" exclaimed Lavi, grabbing the poor creature by its hind legs and lifting them so as to get a better view. "Holy mother of hell! You lucky bastard... yep, you are definitely an Usagi."
"Lavi!" cried Allen, appalled as Lenalee broke down into a set of uncontrollable giggles and Kanda face-palmed. "Not in the presence of a lady," he ground out through clenched teeth, throwing a meaningful look at Lenalee.
"Right, sorry Moyashi – ever the gentleman – but seriously, this dude lives up to both his names. Cocker Spaniel and Usagi."
"Really, Lavi darling," said Lenalee as she slowly came down from her high.
Kanda finished it off for her. "None of us really want to hear how damn big you think your balls are."
"Well, Yuu already knows how big..."
Kanda blushed to his roots and swore heavily under his breath. "Fuck you."
"Yes please!"
They were nearly done... nearly, nearly done. Kanda felt his eyebrow twitch, as well as the corner of his mouth. This was driving him so far up the wall, he was about to discover if this God fellow really existed.
"We should so braid his fur... and put bows on his ears!" declared Lavi, searching noisily through drawers and cupboards for said items.
"What the hell you idiot? The thing is male!"
"Well I've always wanted to braid your hair, Yuu, but Yuu won't let me. And so what if he's male? The fact he's a Cocker Spaniel pretty much screams that he's gay, so he won't mind."
"You fucktard, we're gay."
"See? No problems whatsoever. Yuu, darling, are obviously gay with the long hair and slightly womanish hips happening, but I'm like one of those chocolates where you expect just plain milk chocolate, but get something completely different on the inside! Amazing, ne?"
"If you have such a problem with my hair and hips, go find some whorish girl to shag!" Kanda yelled, obviously insulted and though he wouldn't admit it, somewhat hurt as he took Lavi's words to heart. Was the redhead unhappy with the way he looked?
Lavi looked over at Yuu, shocked. "God no, darling. You're the only one for me, and you always will be the only one for me. Those girls can wear make-up so thick they look like a clown from the local circus, all they want. It's what's inside that counts, and with you, my beautiful samurai, I seem to have gotten the best of both deals."
Where were Lenalee and Allen during all this? Sitting on the sidelines, heads turning left and right as though observing a tennis match.
Poor Maxie left that afternoon with bows and a tag attached to his collar saying 'I literally live up to my name.'
You can judge your books
From how the cover looks,
Wear make-up by the ounce.
Oh, didn't they tell you?
It's what's inside that counts.