Chapter II
Boomers at the Beach
"I cleaned his clock in that dojo. Think you and your lunk-heads can do better, tweezer-legs?" - Yuffie
"You want another rum punch special, Miss Yuffie?"
"Make this one a double," the bronzed girl said from her beach chair.
"Your father would not approve, Miss Yuffie."
"Look, I have to meet Godo this afternoon, okay? I need to get in the right frame of mind for it."
"But you are only sixteen, Miss Yuffie."
"Seventeen next month."
"As you wish, Miss Yuffie."
Yuffie flicked him away with a wave, reaching for her tanning oil to apply another layer. She had to admit, her position as the daughter of Godo the lazy Wutai Emperor had its perks, such as ordering a stuffy butler to carry around a haystack of girly things so she could bask on the beach, though that squirmy Portek had a knack of sticking to her like a warm wad of chewing gum. She smoothed the oil over her legs, noting how her bright yellow swimsuit contrasted with her brown skin. While not as flesh revealing as the things Tifa liked to wear, the suit fit her form enough to cause most young men to pause, their necks swiveling like turkeys, and one of them to stumble into a lifeguard tower.
"I could learn to like this." She applied lotion to her stomach. "These Wutai beaches are far better than that tourist trap at Costa del Sol."
Iko Village didn't get as hot, either, though today's sun bore down hard enough to raise a shimmer in the air. "Gotta get closer to the water. Hey Portek!"
"Miss Yuffie?"
"Carry my chair, down there. Will you? There's a nice man."
"The Emperor will hear of this, Miss Yuffie."
She spread her arms and allowed the butler to lift her, chair and all. "Great. Now face me, ten degrees to the right. I want to see Da-Chao."
Her father, who to his credit had managed to pry this beach back from Shinra's "Wutai Mutual Cooperation Sphere," had declared today "Wutai Kite Day," causing the locals to stream onto this crescent of sand with all manner of flying gadgets. Yuffie smiled at the top of the sacred mountain, Da-Chao, as she imagined it smiling back down on her over a copse of cedar trees. She also saw three black towers of that ugly new Shinra base. No one could tell her what those Shinra ants did in there, but she suspected Godo knew. As she watched, a pair of Takeo fighters took off from a nearby runway, flying over the beach town with a shriek that made all the kites duck and tremble. Arrogant Shinra pigs.
"Here you go, Miss Yuffie." Portek handed her a drink with a kite flying umbrella in it. "And might I say, Miss Yuffie, your outfit looks stunning today. Were I but a few years younger - "
"You'd be forty-five." She stretched, lacing her fingers under the arch of her right foot and straightening her leg. She pulled back on her toes until her elbows rested on her knee. She groaned at the strain in her calf.
"Miss Yuffie, is this, an appropriate display? Your young body, in public?"
"Beat it." Yuffie switched legs, leaning farther into the stretch, moaning more than she needed. Could she could get that stuffed butler's heartbeat to race like that of a mouse? She smiled up at him. "Don't you need to turn up your nose at someone?"
He muttered but turned to plod away. She resisted the urge to summon a mini-Leviathan from her materia collection to speed him along. She had learned some new tricks fooling around with those precious materia orbs, including micro-summoning, which she performed by inserting a single gil coin between the orb and the edge of its socket, making it slightly loose. A tiny summon didn't have much use in battle but came in handy when you needed just enough ice from Shiva to freshen your drink.
For an actual summon, you had to tug on the materia just so, meaning if some weasel stole her weapon, they would get only mini-summons unless they removed the gil. She chuckled.
Yuffie had another innovation in her armlet. She had used that new Meld materia they had recovered in the North Crater to join a Poison with an Elemental into a single gem of brilliant aquamarine. As a result, so far today she had downed six rum punches - and she knew Portek made them extra strong as he would love to report to her father that she had passed out drunk - yet still her head remained clear as the Lifestream. "Dream on, baggy pants."
Wait a minute.
A movement reflected in her drinking glass. She slid her free arm into her bag and pulled out a compact. Leaning into a hamstring stretch, she pretended to check her makeup. (She rarely wore any but this morning she imposed on Portek, demanding he choose between Sunset Blush and Rascally Rose at each step.)
Speaking of whom, where had he gone? Ah. Up there chatting with a pair of Shinra soldiers like old drinking buddies, throwing a not so subtle glance in her direction. The trio split apart, the blue suited Shinra drones fanning out onto the beach while Portek crossed his arms, leaning back with a smile. Yuffie yawned, arching her back nearly into a hoop, letting her hand drift in range of the oversize shuriken she had planted in the sand. Shuriken, too modest a term for a weapon the size and shape of a sharpened garbage can lid, and it had seen her through plenty of rumbles. Through slit eyes she spied on the doofus who tried a crafty approach, watching as he eased out a billy club while sauntering in a zigzag course. Fly casual, loser. The other trooper took a direct course. Straight toward her. Wow. His limp looked familiar.
While Mr. Limp closed, Crafty picked up his pace, though he paused to kick sand over a picnicking family. A pair of toddlers started to wail. Gripping her shuriken, Yuffie glanced back to ensure Mr. Limp hadn't put on a burst of speed. (Shinra cretins did that at unwelcome times.) When Crafty kicked over an old lady's chair, Yuffie uncoiled to her feet, whipping her shuriken straight at Crafty's chest.
He brought up his club to block it. Her shuriken sheared his stick in half, though deflecting her aim enough for him to escape with a dented helmet. Yuffie caught her returning weapon and pivoted to face her other attacker, only to feel a dart sink into her shoulder. She squeaked in surprise. Her weapon arm drooped, muscles growing numb. Soon enough though, she felt the warmth from her aqua materia kick in, her strength roaring back with her anger.
She yanked out the dart and flung it into the sand. With a whoop, she drew upon the same materia to summon a Bio spell, except the attack fizzled out into a glob of green goo. The mass plopped onto the sand with a whimper. Yuffie stared down at it, nonplussed. She heard laughter from Mr. Limp.
"Hey. You're Gus the Groper. I knew I recognized that limp."
"It's Sir Simon to you," the man sneered. "Carmine knighted me, and I was never named Gus. I owe you big time for that kick at the North Crater."
"You liked that kick in the nads? I see you wear a crotch guard now. Coward."
"Make this easy on yourself. Surrender, and I'll do the body search myself. I promise you'll enjoy it."
"Oh, grossness!" She kicked a shower of sand in his face. "The only thing you'll be searching for is your teeth in the back of your skull!"
Simon sputtered, pulling out an electromag rod.
"Turks!" Yuffie screamed. "You're a bastard Turk too?"
"Please." Sir Simon tried to look pompous in his toy helmet. "Call us Xee."
Yuffie smacked his helmet with the flat of her shuriken. She pivoted toward Crafty but found him beset by a mob wielding chairs and shovels. They forced him into a retreat to the lifeguard tower. As for Portek - where had that slime ball hid? Her eyes narrowed. A dozen more Shinra troops streamed toward the beach, their blue helmets bobbing like amorous ducks.
"Heads up everyone," she said. "We have company. The letter Zee."
"Xee. With an X!"
"Still spells maggots!" someone yelled. "Shinra maggots!"
"Yea," someone else said. "Push those Shinra maggots into the sea!"
Yuffie sighed. Now the revolution broke out?
"Death to Shinra dogs!" A teenage boy pulled a clumsy sand rake from the lifeguard tower. The aluminum tool didn't look sturdy enough to scare a poodle but she liked his attitude. She hefted her own weapon.
The scent of burning rubber turned Yuffie's head. Her summoned green glob had managed to ooze up the beach enough to suck off one of Simon's boots. The man began to pinwheel and scream.
"Looks like you found a new friend, Gus!"
"Help! Help!" He had unclasped his boot buckles but could not seem to pull his foot free. The blob happily lapped at his other boot.
"Holy Da-Chao, am I really going to rescue that creep?" She sighed, closing the gap with two leaps, hooking Simon under his arms. With a grunt she heaved him from his mired boots. His feet popped free with an uncorking sound, drizzling a trail of black tar in their wake. Ungrateful bastard would probably send her a bill for those boots.
"Halt!" A soldier with a megaphone had climbed the lifeguard tower. "You are all under arrest for disturbing the peace, assaulting an officer, and destroying company property."
Yuffie glanced at her hapless beach chair as it also fell victim to the green blob.
"And harboring a terrorist fugitive. You have ten seconds to deliver the Avalanche terrorist to us or we go in after her. One. Two. Three."
"Hey dorkus!" Yuffie rose to her full height. She had even grown a centimeter since she had first encountered Cloud and his group Avalanche. "If I deliver myself to you, do I get to collect the reward?"
"Take it easy. Don't make any sudden moves."
"All right everybody," Yuffie said. "You heard the Dork Chief. Stay down, and I'll handle - "
The crowd on the beach let out a Wutai war whoop and charged.
"Or, we can attack?" Her fingers snaked around her Leviathan materia.
Dork Chief turned to his troops. "On my mark, fire into - " A blue wall of water slammed him from behind. His minions popped off a few shots into the towering blue snake but their bullets fell off like toothpicks. Leviathan, furious at the enemies of its patron land of Wutai - or perhaps miffed at having Yuffie summon him so many times in his mini form to scrub and wax floors - surged larger than ever, taller than the Temple of Five Gods. He opened his mouth to blow a flurry of spray over the squadron, washing the platoon back half a city block.
The crowd cheered, though checking to ensure they hadn't hung their laundry too low. But soon, a pair of Shinra personnel carriers rolled up and pushed the crowd away. A few frenzied souls rushed forward in a vain attempt to flip the vehicles over. When a gun turret powered up, Yuffie blew it off with a Bolt spell. However, green bursts of energy soon squelched the crowd with Sleep spells. Even Yuffie fought to stay awake. Others out of range dispersed like smoke in the wind.
"Dramatic as always, Miss Yuffie," Portek said, walking into the group. "I believe your vacation trip just ended. Sadly I cannot deal with you personally because your father wishes to reprimand you himself."
Yuffie weighed the pros and cons of dropping ten tons of Leviathan on top of that smug grin. But, as she could barely lift her arm, she sighed and lowered her weapon.
"What's the old man want with me now?"
"He wants you to show him some respect."
"Quit your yappin'. I cleaned his clock in that dojo. Think you and your lunk-heads can do better, tweezer-legs?"
"It's because of your father, Miss Yuffie, that these 'lunk-heads' haven't removed yours."
"Well, I, ahem." Yuffie considered. "Tell him thanks, but I could have rolled 'em."
"Miss Yuffie, if you would kindly take a seat?"
Yuffie, climbing into the motorized jitney, nearly fell back out when two more Takeo fighters screeched overhead. Portek caught her by the arm.
"Hey! Let go!"
She felt a sharp slap on her face. She growled and tried to twist free.
"That's for ruining my boots!" Simon said, backing quickly out of range.
"Why you - "
"Miss Yuffie. I must insist." He dropped her in her seat and snapped the harness.
"But he - "
"Your father will handle everything. At least, he had better. Because I insisted on delivering you in one piece."
The jitney took off, pinning her to her seat. The sleep magic overcame her, draining the remaining strength from her limbs. And besides, Portek held her shuriken.
Another pair of Takeo planes raced off. Searching for plum poachers? Holding off the mighty Wutai air force, which consisted of half a dozen refitted crop dusters?
"Old Man, you'd better have some answers for me. Don't let me catch you lounging on your futon."
But she hadn't said that out loud. She had already fallen off to sleep, where she dreamed of the mother she only remembered in her dreams.