Hello again! For those of you waiting for another chapter of "A Knight's Cloak", I haven't decided yet but there likely will be a sequel or at least some kind of continuation where it's referenced in a future chapter. Meanwhile, I felt like a bit of comedy today...

Oh, and just a warning, but there is some swearing at the end.

Vital Strategic Information

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One day Arthur decided that, as leader, he should know more about the dangers to be faced in this new and perplexing world. Television had given him many glimpses of an era filled with monstrous creatures, but, as he was learning, it was not a font of knowledge to be unquestioningly trusted. Therefore, the logical step was to interrogate Merlin.

"Merlin!"

Merlin looked away from his other scrying box ("Com-pu-ter, Arthur. Say it with me. Com-pu-ter.") to attend to his King.

"Are these flying purple people eater creatures something we need to be concerned with?"

Merlin peered at him in a rather annoying fashion until he finally said, "What?"

"Don't look at me as though I'm mad, you dull-witted cabbage-head. I'm talking about the creatures in the ballad I heard the other day."

"Ballad…? OHH!" Merlin laughed. "No, no, they're nothing we have to worry about."

"But they eat people!"

Arthur saw Merlin bite his lip, trying not to laugh. "They've all been tamed now, Sire. They play in rock n' roll bands."

Arthur had no idea what a rock n' roll band was but he had no wish to further display his ignorance to his abysmally rude former manservant any more that day. "Very well. Thank you for clearing that up for me."

"Anytime, Arthur."

-x-

Two days later…

"Merlin!"

The warlock dutifully turned from the com-pu-ter. "Yes, Arthur?"

"That giant hairy deformed man-creature, did he really climb that remarkable keep in York? The Vampire State Building?"

Once again Merlin had the effrontery to look as though he didn't understand him, instead of responding to his perfectly reasonable question.

"You know the one - they had the cheek to call him a "King" even though he wasn't a man and had an utterly ridiculous name. 'Kong!' I ask you, what sort of name is that for a King? And… are you laughing, Merlin?"

"No, Sire."

"You're shaking."

"Bit of a chill, that's all. Anyway, it's New York, and no, Kong never climbed the Empire State Building. It was just a movie."

Arthur furrowed his brow and generally looked disapproving. He didn't understand the point of movies. Merlin had finally been able to make him clear on what they were, but he just didn't see the purpose of telling an epic story if not to educate and entertain people with the glories of some past hero. But all he said was, "I see," and walked away.

After all, it wouldn't do for Merlin to get too smug.

-x-

The next day…

"Merlin!"

This time Merlin didn't even bother turning away from the com-pu-ter to look at him. "What is it, Arthur?"

"Merlin, what is a 'were-wolf'?"

"Arthur, for pity's sake, what channel are you watching?"

"Your King needs to know something, Merlin, so kindly oblige without the extraneous comment."

"Extraneous? Somebody's vocabulary has improved in the last millennium and a half!"

"Just tell me, you lack-wit."

"Fine, fine. It's a man or woman who changes into a wolf at the full moon. Though in movies they're usually portrayed more as 'wolf-men', sort of people with an exaggerated hairiness problem."

"Like Gwaine?"

Merlin straightened and finally deigned to look at him. "You know, I never thought of that," he said. "Best keep on eye on him during the next full moon."

"Why is your mouth twisting up like that?"

"I'm certain I don't know, Sire."

Arthur highly suspected the soft snorting noises coming through the idiot's nose meant the impudent, mentally afflicted peasant was daring to laugh at him again.

-x-

"Merlin!"

"Yes?"

"Zombies?"

"Not unless Morgause is back with her immortal army."

-x-

"Merlin!"

"Remind me to acquaint you with the concept of an 'inside voice', Arthur."

"Giant marshmallow men?"

"It's fine, the Ghostbusters took care of it."

"Merlin?"

"Yes?"

"What's a marshmallow?"

Some distinct muttering was heard.

-x-

"Merlin!"

"What?"

"Vampires?"

"I can't say, but I'm going to hazard a guess and say they won't sparkle."

-x-

"Merlin!"

"Oh, for…What now, Arthur!"

"Can lightning really bring corpses back to life?"

"Do you want me to it try on you?"

"I have to say, Merlin, your advanced years have not brought you any greater wisdom on how to address your King."

-x-

"Merlin!"

"This must be a particularly worrisome one - you finally removed your royal posterior from the sofa cushions."

"One of these days I'm going to put you in the stocks again."

"They don't exist any more," Merlin smirked. "It's democracy, me ol'mate. The working man, claiming his rightful equality with all, has overthrown his violent oppressors and is slave to the capricious tyrants of the upper ranks no more."

"Pardon me?"

Merlin sighed. "I suppose I'm really going to have to get started on those history lessons soon."

"Never mind," Arthur waved dismissively. "Killer tomatoes, Merlin - threat or not?"

Merlin flinched and went entirely rigid. "Why?" he hissed frantically. "Have they done something?"

"Well, no, it's just - "

Merlin latched onto his arm painfully. "Arthur, what did you see? YOU HAVE TO TELL ME!"

"It's nothing. It was just on the scrying box - "

"WE CAN'T TAKE THAT CHANCE!" Merlin cried out, leaping to his feet and dashing to the kitchen. He snatched the bowl of tomatoes from the counter, opened the window and threw them outside. Then Merlin shouted a spell and a fire large enough to reach the height of the window surged, scorching the very ground where the offending fruit had landed completely black. Finally Arthur watched in shock as Merlin shook his fist and yelled, "GODDAMNED BASTARD TOMATOES! DON'T THINK YOU'RE GOING TO WIN THIS!"

Arthur stared open-mouthed. Merlin bent over, hands on his knees, and panted, "Thank heavens you said something, Sire! You did the right thing."

Even after Merlin walked away, Arthur was frozen in place wondering what in the name of all the Gods had just happened.

In fact, it wasn't until Merlin took him the market one day and bent over, positively weeping with laughter, when Arthur went wide-eyed and moved cautiously away from the pile of tomatoes ("It was a tactical retreat, you imbecile, not that I'd expect you to know anything about it), that Arthur realized his damn fool of a manservant had pulling his leg.

And so it was then that Arthur Pendragon, King of the Britons, determined that the gravest danger he had to face in this new world was a mentally deficient sorcerer.

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Author's notes:

Boy, these things are getting further and further away from drabble length.

Anyway, first off, for Arthur fans, I will say two things in his defence: a) as a man missing the last 1500 years, he would have absolutely no frame of reference for what was real or not, and b) he comes from a land where strange, magical beasts are quite normal. So please no one think he's an idiot here.

Second, for the younger or more international readers amongst us, "Flying Purple People Eater" was a novelty song from the 1950s sung by Sheb Wooley, and "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" was a very low budget comedy horror film from 1978. Both are available on Youtube if you want to check them out. I haven't seen the movie myself, but the trailer is on Youtube as well and is so bad in itself that it's absolutely hilarious.