Chapter Five
Renessmee's Point of View
It was dark outside and I was walking through the woods and then I saw my house, I ran to it as the wind blew my hair into disarray. I felt like I was running from something, I felt scared and nervous. I walked right through the door and realized quickly the house was silent, my house was never silent! Esme might be singing if she was home alone, my father and mother might have been playing piano, Rosalie and Alice would have been talking about their future shopping trip and Emmett and Jasper might have been playing video games but…nothing. Not a sound rang through the area.
"Esme" I called out hoping to hear her sweet voice reply but no one answered back to me, "Rose, Emmett, Jacob, Dad, Alice, Jasper, Mom, grandpa- anyone?" I ran through the house panicked at the thought of them missing, the feeling of abandonment hitting me hard. Tears began falling down my face as I opened each door in the house only to be disappointed when I found no one behind it. I went to the steps and fell to my knees at the edge of them crying from being alone, the full wave of abandonment filling my every cell. I'm alone…I'm all alone…that thought kept circulating through my mind.
I woke up with fear finally chasing me back to reality and my heart rate increasing. My grandfather burst through the door not a second after I woke up, I had been having this dream for the last few days and it always scares me awake! I wish it would just stop! It's becoming exhausting. I look at my grandfather who gives me a sad smile.
"Another bad dream?" he asks me
"Yeah, but don't even worry about it" I said trying to act like this dream wasn't one of my worst fears.
"Well, maybe you could talk to Dr. Caldwell about it when we go visit him this afternoon?"
That was one thing I wasn't looking forward to - today was the day I was going to go visit Dr. Caldwell for the first time. To say I was nervous was the understatement of the century but I knew there was no way of getting out of it.
"Yeah, maybe…" I say not really giving my grandfather a specific answer and heading for the bathroom. I took a little too long in the shower, enjoying the soothing effect the water had on my tense muscles. After that I quickly dress in a pair of jeans and a pink tank top slipping on my sneakers. Heading down the staircase I could smell French toast being made. I turn the corner of the kitchen and my grandpa slid the French toast from the pan to my plate. I sat at the bar and began eating in silence.
"Are you nervous about today?" he asked after a few moments of silence.
"Yeah, I guess…I don't know what to expect"
"Well do you have any questions that maybe I can answer to help settle your nerves?"
"Well…" I thought about his question for a minute not really having any and realizing it's just the fear of talking to someone about this thing, "Not really…it's just intimidating to talk to someone about this thing…I've never spoken to anyone about it until recently"
"Well, you aren't alone and this is going to be a long road for recovery but I think you do it" he says smiling and squeezing my hand.
I just hope you're right I think in my head.
"What time is the appointment at?"
"At 1PM so we have to leave here at noon"
I look at the clock, it is already 10:40 I sigh and hop off the stool to go to my bedroom. When I am in the confines of my room I go to my phone which stayed charging on my night stand. I have one missed text message from Jacob.
Hey Beautiful! Good luck at your appointment today! Let him help you because I love you so much and if anything happened to you I couldn't live with myself. Love you! Stay strong beautiful! :)
I smiled at the text message and put down the phone, Jacob is so amazing and I love him so much. I'm glad he didn't leave me when I told him about my issue, I couldn't stand to think what I would do to myself had he not accepted it. I wonder what it will be like talking to Dr. Caldwell…my grandfather says he is very nice but it still scares me. What will it be like? What would he ask me? Will I be coerced to answer his questions? Why is it that now I have all these questions but when Carlisle asked me downstairs I didn't have any? This is frustrating and so to take my mind off of it I decided to go read my book.
"Nessie, it's almost time to go" I hear my grandfather call up the steps. I put down my book and climb from my bed and taking my black jacket in case it is cold inside the doctor's office. I slip my phone into my back pocket and do a once over in the mirror before heading downstairs.
"Ready?" Carlisle asks from the bottom of the steps holding his car keys.
"I guess…ready as I'll ever be"
He gave me a sad smile and said "don't worry Nessie. Everything will be fine. How about after the appointment we can go anywhere you want for lunch."
"Ok" and we walk to the garage and get into the car. The drive is silent and my nerves are reaching their peak as we get closer and closer. What do I tell him? What if he thinks I am crazy? What if he thinks I need in-patient treatment? Oh no! What if he asks to see them, the scars! I can't show him the scars, he'd see how weak I was, how vulnerable. It would be awful! In a fit of panic I put on the black jacket over my tank top.
"Are you cold?" my grandfather asks from the driver seat next to me.
"No…I mean….a little but not much…" I gulp; I didn't want to tell him why I wore the jacket.
"We're almost there…is there anything else you want to talk about? You seem very tense."
"No, I'm fine" I try to say nonchalantly.
But all too quick we were pulling up to the building. Carlisle turned off the car and started to reach for the door handle but instead of shadowing his movement I stayed in the car, it was time…it was finally time for me to talk about this thing. I gulped realizing I didn't want to do this; I didn't want to be here.
"Grandpa" I whispered twiddling my finger nervously
"Yes?"
"I can't do this" I shake my head, my voice cracking, "Please don't make me go in there, I don't want to talk about it, please" I begged.
Gentle hands came underneath my chin and I was looking into a pair of compassionate eyes, "Renessmee, I know you can do this. You know I like giving you choices but this time you don't have one, not when it comes to your safety. I'm sorry…now I'm going to go outside and you can stay here and collect yourself and come out of the car whenever you are ready." He opened the door and stepped out of the car closing the door behind him. I didn't want to tell him but I had an awful urge to cut right about now. The stress was becoming too much for me, I couldn't do this! I needed to release it! I started anxiously looking around the car for something sharp but couldn't find anything!
"Damn it!" I cried angrily
I settled for calling Jacob, I took out my cell phone and press the number 5 which was his speed dial. He picked up on the first ring.
"Babe?" his voice is full of worry and concern.
My voice cracked and I swallowed down a sob that was prepared to come up, "Jacob, I can't do this…I'm sorry. I can't do this!"
"Nessie, you can do this! I know you can! Please, go in there and be strong for me. Please Nessie…you are such a strong, beautiful girl, please go talk to this doctor and let him help you"
No, I'm not strong…or beautiful! I'm not any of those things! I'm a failure! I've failed…if I was strong I wouldn't need to cut myself and I'm not beautiful at all. I couldn't tell him those things though; he would get angry at me for thinking that of myself.
"Yeah, you're right…" I paused, "I'll call you later"
"I love you Renessmee Carlie Cullen"
"Love you too" and I hung up the phone.
I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror, my cheeks were red but my eyes weren't watery. Now or never. I got out of the car and Carlisle smiled when he saw me. He held the entrance door open for me and we were in a beautiful lobby where the floor was a shiny marble and stair cases rose to the second floor. At the entrance there was a bulletin board with a list of room numbers on them.
"Dr. Caldwell is in room 444" he told me and we made a sharp turn down another beautiful hall until we stopped in front of a door with the name "Dr. Logan Caldwell : Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist". We walked in and the room was yet another big room with marble floors and a couch with a small stack of magazines on top of a coffee table and in the far corner was a small play area for younger kids. There was a frosted glass window and Carlisle went up to the window and tapped once gently.
A blonde nurse with pink scrubs smiled, "hello Dr. Cullen, Dr. Caldwell has been expecting you. I was just about to call you- it is not like you to be late"
I blushed realizing I was the reason he was late due to the mental break I had in the car.
"Yes, well there is a first time for everything" he smiled and then I heard the door open again from behind me. I see a tall, lean, beautiful middle aged man. He was pale and had grey eyes with dark hair settled neatly on top of his head. He had on a white dress shirt with a tie and khaki pants. He gave me a dazzling smile.
"Hello, you must be Renessmee Cullen. It's a pleasure to meet you" he held out his hand and I hesitantly extended mine to meet his palm.
"Nice to meet you " I mentally kicked myself for my stuttering voice, it was barely a whisper and I could tell by his skin cold hands that he was a vampire as well. He gave me a firm and confident squeeze, while mine was sweaty and weak.
"Oh please! Call me Logan dear" he smiled.
"Logan" my grandfather greeted
"Carlisle, pleasure to see you again" he paused and then turned his attention to me, "so why don't you follow me back to my office and we will get started"
I nodded and he opened the door leading to the back of the office and we walked down a long hallway and stopped at a door where we entered. Inside the room had light walls and several couches that were of a black leather material. In the far corner was a brown seat where I'm assuming Dr. Caldwell sits. The room was very welcoming and had a warm feeling to it. I sat on one of the couches that had a table next to it and realized that there was a box of tissues on top of the table. I sat down and Logan took out a yellow notepad and pen from his desk and sat down at a seat across from me.
"So Renessmee, tell me a little bit about yourself" he said kindly
"I don't know what to tell you…what do you want to know?" I asked not meeting his eyes completely.
"Well, what is your favorite subject in school?"
"I like my calculus class a lot" I said in a whisper, almost like it wasn't a right answer.
"Really? Wow! That is amazing! Do you like math?"
"Yes, I like math because of the puzzles"
"That's very good! Would you like to work with numbers in the future, as a job?"
"Possibly, I think I want to be a teacher"
"That's a great career choice. Do you have good grades?"
"I have straight A's" I answer
"Wow! That is great but I can imagine it is stressful…do you ever feel under pressure?"
"I feel…overwhelmed sometimes. It becomes too much…sometimes I don't want to get out of bed and face the day. Life is so hard and I know that is awful to say because I'm only 16 and I'm only a kid and I don't have a lot to deal with but…it all hangs over my shoulder sometimes. When I get a 'B'- God forbid any lower- I feel like a failure."
"A 'B' is still a good mark, I think you are being too hard on yourself" Logan says with a frown, "why do you feel like a failure?"
"Because, I have to be perfect!" I bellow out loudly.
"But no one is perfect Renessmee"
"Oh yeah?" I shake my head and look at the floor, "my family is perfect! Rosalie is beautiful- a goddess, Emmett is strong and funny, Alice has an eye for fashion and isn't shy, Jasper is just nice, Esme is as well beautiful, my dad is talented at piano and my mom is beautiful. My grandfather is a doctor and is perfect! Everyone in my family is perfect except me! I have these awful red curls and I'm not even beautiful! I have no talents and…I just want to give up sometimes" I realized by the end of my little speech I was on the verge of tears.
"Renessmee, yes your family may be all those things but they aren't perfect either even though it seems like that. I promise you, I've treated your family members for centuries. They all went through some hard times." He paused and wrote something down on his notepad, "You said you feel like giving up sometimes. What does that mean?"
"Sometimes I lose my will to go on in life…." I whisper once more swallowing a sob that was ready to come up.
"Have you ever contemplated suicide?" he asks me seriously.
Most people would be appalled by this question and would answer no, declining it but I couldn't answer that way because there was a point that I did consider suicide. My mental wall fell and tears started streaming down my cheek, my hands were shaking.
"I did…I was going to shoot myself" I said in a whisper, "I never planned it out but when I thought about it, I always pictured doing it that way."
"Does your family know about this?" I shake my head no, wiping my tears.
"What made you re-consider?"
"My family…Jacob, my boyfriend, that's when…" I paused, choking on a sob.
"That is when you started to self-harm?" Logan finishes for me. I nodded yes to him not trusting my voice any more.
"May I see your scars?"
"No!" I cried out looking at him, my cheeks felt heated and tears were streaming down my face, I was a mess, "please…I can't show you how weak I am!" I beg sobbing.
"You aren't weak for self-harming. From what I can tell so far, you started to self-harm not because of pressure from your family but from pressure you created in your mind to be nothing short of perfect and the rumors at school your grandfather told me about probably doesn't help either. You are not alone in this; you have my support, your entire families support as well as your boyfriends. Do you understand that?"
I nodded at him, wiping my eyes from the tears. He wrote down more things on his notepad and then stood up, "I think that is enough for today. I'm going to call your grandfather back here and we'll discuss some things, ok?"
I nodded my approval and with that he walked to his desk and picked up the phone, "Kelly, could you please send back Dr. Cullen? Thank you!" and I noticed him writing down something on a sheet of paper and then taking out a prescription pad as well. I was distracted by a knock on the door and Carlisle popped his head in.
"Hello Carlisle, take a seat. She did very well today." He turned to me and said "I'm prescribing you some anti-depressants, they aren't mandatory but it may help with some of the symptoms you have so I suggest taking them once a day. As well, do you have anxiety about meeting new people- you seemed on the verge of hyperventilation when we first met?"
"Yeah, I do get really nervous about meeting people…"
"These will also help with the physical symptoms and this" he hands me a paper with an address, "is a group therapy I run. We talk about self-harming and things of that nature. We meet every Friday at 5PM. You're welcome to come if you'd like and this is my card with my cell phone number- call me if you ever need to talk and if I don't answer leave a message and I will call you back as soon as possible." I nodded taking the things from him.
"When would you like to see her again?" Carlisle asked. He was so quiet that I forgot he was there.
"I would like to see her twice a week so Monday's and Wednesday's?"
Carlisle nodded, "I'll be sure to make the next appointment at the front"
"You could go do that now, I'll walk Renessmee to the front. I have one last thing I have to discuss with her." Logan said and with that Carlisle stood and walked out of the office. Logan turned to me and said, "Renessmee, I would like you to at least do this activity with your parents but if you'd like you can do it with the rest of your family. I want you to ask them if they are perfect and if they answer no, then ask them what doesn't make them perfect, ok?"
"Do I have to?" I asked not being able to imagine myself doing that.
"No, but it may help you see things clearly about everyone not being perfect"
"I'll try" I said not wanting to say I won't do it at all.
"That's all I ask" he smiled, "now, why don't we head to the front?" he holds open the door for me and we walk to where Carlisle is waiting.
"Goodbye Renessmee, see you on Monday" I hear Logan say behind me.
"Ready for lunch" Carlisle smiles.
"I'm starving! Let's have pasta!"
"You got it, kiddo!" he smiled and we walked to the car in silence.
"Would you like to talk about your session?" Carlisle asks in the car.
"Not right now, grandpa if that is ok?"
"Of course" he smiles and begins driving.
Author's Note: I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING! I have been away visiting my family in New Jersey this past month and just arrived home a few days ago. I have been working on this story non-stop to get it out this week. I hope you like it and like always THOSE WHO REVIEW WILL GET A PREVIEW OF THE NEXT CHAPTER. Meanwhile, what did you all think of Renessmee's first session with Dr. Caldwell? I hope to be putting up a photo album for this story on my profile and I will be sure to let you know when those pictures are up. Just a fair warning that updating may be slow this month because it is kind of hectic. Family members are coming to visit, I have summer reading to start and my birthday is July 19th so I promise after that weekend I will start updating more often. FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER ( Silenceandmoods) to stay updated! Till then hope everyone is enjoying their summer! :)