Chapter Eight

I sat in Logan's office the next morning, playing with my fingers. I really didn't want to talk about last night. I was embarrassed to talk about it; I was ashamed of what had happened and how I lost my cool. I shouldn't have called him. He must think I belong in a mental institute or something. God, what a screw up that was. My thoughts were interrupted quickly though when Logan walked in once again smiling and dressed in his professional attire.

"Good morning Renessmee" he said coming over and shaking my hand.

"Good morning" I spoke in a whisper not looking at his eyes for too long.

He walked to his seat adjacent to me and sat down, "so, let us get right to it. How are you feeling today?"

"Better I guess…" I said honestly.

"You guess?" he questioned, "are you saying that because you think it's what I want to hear?"

"I don't know what I'm feeling right now…I'm…confused to say."

"What about exactly" he inquired.

"Well, my first session with you I said I didn't want to commit suicide because of my family but it just seems like everything is working against me in that topic. If I think about it long enough…I might just be able to be pushed over the edge and that scares me because I know suicide is bad but I feel like I want it. I know it doesn't make sense but…that's how I feel."

"It makes perfect sense Renessmee. Your conscience knows that suicide is wrong for obvious reasons but your unconscious emotions are telling you differently, that is what's giving you the confusing feelings. Do you think that if you hadn't called me last night that you would have killed yourself last night?"

I thought about his question for a moment, would I have? I was really upset…I probably would have cut myself but the anger I felt made me so upset. I would have made deep cuts. If I cut deep enough I could have killed myself. "I was really upset last night; I think I would have cut myself first. When I get really upset though, I cut deeper to get rid of that awful feeling of being a failure. I know that if I ever cut deep enough or actually every time I cut I run a risk of hitting a vein so had I hit a vein last night when I cut I could have killed myself."

"That's a very good point well made."

"You think I'm suicidal, don't you?" I said looking at my fingers. God, he must have thought I was crazy.

"Suicide is a very serious thing…the fact that you were contemplating it last night was something that as a professional psychiatrist, I can't take lightly." He paused and I knew what was coming, "I'll have to tell your parents about this, you know? The patient-confidentiality is valid in most cases except when I feel someone's life is at risk, suicide falls under that category"

I looked down at my hands and let a small tear fall, my parents are going to think I'm so messed up! I can't deal with that thought and I push it out of my mind before I lost my composure.

"Do you want to tell me why that makes you sad Renessmee?"

I shake my head no. I didn't want to talk any more. I was done with this topic, with this session. "I think I'm done for this session." I said in a monotone voice.

He sighed, "very well, I'm aware your parents are both here for this session? I'll call them in and tell them what I feel they need to know. I won't tell them more then I need to." I nodded and went out to the waiting room. My father and mother both turned and smiled at me, "Logan wants to talk to you in his office" I said. They both stood from their chair while I took the chair my mother had previously been sitting in.

"Aren't you coming?"

I shook my head no, but instead of explaining Logan came and led them to the back.

Logan's Point of View

"Edward, Bella" I greeted Nessie parents, "please have a seat. I have some things I want to discuss with you."

"It has come to my attention, that Nessie may be suicidal" I heard Bella gasp and Edward squeezed her hand in a reassuring gesture. "In our first meeting she spoke about how she would have committed suicide but never followed through with it because of her family. Yesterday she called me and told me she wanted to kill herself. I'm not sure how severe these thoughts are but I rather not risk it."

"Thank you for informing us Logan. But what do we do about these thoughts? Do we keep an eye on her?"

"I suggest that you keep all ropes, poisons, car keys, medication and firearms under lock and key. Don't do it in front of her though, it might upset her. Let Nessie talk to you not vice versa. She will talk when she is ready and besides that let her keep coming to her usual therapy appointments"

They both nodded, "thank you Logan" Bella said and I smiled at her kindness, "not a problem, Bella".

Shortly after they left, I sat down at my laptop to type up a report of the session, I always do this to monitor patient progress:

The patient was less open at this session and refused to push deeper then asked on the topic of suicide. The patient struggles still with talking comfortably and freely, also the patient feels as if she will be (or has been) shunned from society do to her emotional distress. Much work is still needed and nowhere in the near future do I see participation in group therapy yet.

I sighed and closed the file.

Renessmee's Point of view

I sat on my bed studying, getting distracted by the snow on my window. I contemplated what it would be like to play in the snow which Emmett and Jasper and quickly banished the thought, I had to study. I had to catch up, my history teacher this year was awful and his teacher skills were terrible, he had a reputation in the school for failing students by just one point and I didn't want to be part of that group.

"Hey small fry" Emmett and Jasper said coming into my room

"What to come have a snow ball fight with Emmett and me?" Jasper asked me kindly.

"Sorry guys, I can't. I'm studying." I said tersely.

"Nessie, it's winter break! Come on, take a break for once!"

"Emmett, no, I don't want to! Don't you understand! I have to pass! I have to be perfect! Why can't anybody just get that?" I said bursting out again. Emmett took hold of my wrists.

"Let me go!" I said struggling against him, "stop it! Emmett! Stop! Damn it!" I kept pushing and fighting until I gave up and ended up sagging over Emmett's lap and sobbing. "I want to be normal…" I said in between tears.

"Nessie, there is no such thing as 'normal'." Jasper spoke softly to me.

"Yeah, and from what I can tell you aren't normal, you're more like spectacular, kiddo" Emmett said with a goofy grin.

"Why can't I have fun?" I said still letting tears fall.

"Because you don't let yourself….if you want to play in the snow then heck- go for it! It's winter break Nessie! Relax and have some fun…" Emmett replied and then Jasper chimed in, "So you want to play in the snow?"

"No…I just want to stay here for right now if you don't mind…I think I might call Jake over."

They both nodded and kissed my forehead after walking out of my bedroom. I grabbed my cell phone and text Jake, asking him to come over. His reply was instant:

Sure Beautiful! ;) I'll be there soon! Can't wait to see you again! I love you!

His reply made me smile a little! It gave me hope that maybe…just maybe someone thought I wasn't hideous. I could deal with being terrible but not hideous. I got lost in my work and reading once again when I heard the door open to my room. "Hey babe" he said coming over and kissing my cheek. I blushed looking down. He hung out on my bed and watched TV while I continued my work. I noticed him staring at me after a while.

"What are you staring at?" I ask nervously, trying to figure out which flaw he noticed this time.

"I'm just trying to think how lucky I was to get someone like you…Renessmee, you are so beautiful, so smart, so perfect already. In my eyes, you are already perfect and I wouldn't trade you for anyone in the world. I love you cheeks" he bent and kissed my cheeks, "I love your eyes" he kissed my eyelids, "I love that little nose of yours" he kissed my nose, "I love how strong you are" he took my wrist and kissed my scars gently, "most of all, I love you as the person I held in my arms that first day you were born" he kissed my lips.

"Thanks" I said blushing and looking down.

"You don't believe me, do you?"

I stayed silent and he knew that he had the answer already. I didn't see what he saw in me. How could he love someone like me? How could he love someone who is not perfect, has worthless grades! A person who has mostly B's on their report card! How could someone love a failure like me.

"Stop doing that!" Jake butted into my thoughts.

"What?" I asked confused.

"Stop belittling yourself Nessie! I see it in your eyes as you think! I don't know what flaws you see in yourself but I can guarantee you they aren't true! I pray that someday you will be able to see your beauty the way I see it!"

"One day…I'm working on it Jake. Give me some time…" I said softly. He was so perfect and sweet. He knew what to say! He came up and kissed my temple as he wrapped his arms around me and I just lay in bed with him, taking in his warmth.

Author's Note: I'm so sorry for the delay! Trust me, I want to update but my life is pretty crazy now! I have lots of AP classes and I'm all out of whack. You guys are going to have to work with me here. I'll try and update as much as possible but the updates might be longer than usual. I'm really sorry but I promise to keep this story going. It hurts me that I can't write as much but I will try and do my best to keep this story going around!

I hope all of you had a merry Christmas (or whatever holiday it is you celebrate) and I hope that you all have an awesome new year! :) As always, your reviews are encouraged, as a matter of fact, they motivate me to write more for the story! :)