Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Part 1

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"NO HORSES?"

"Not a one."

"You're being serious? No horses. None."

"I'm afraid not."

"That's preposterous! What do you mean you don't have any horses?!" Arthur was so taken aback by this he didn't even seem to care that his sudden stop caused Merlin to walk right into him. The warlock, who had been in the midst of giving the newly arisen King a tour of his house and grounds, would have sympathized more if Arthur had not five minutes previously asked him who his master was, completely unable to conceive that Merlin could have afforded such a fine "manor" on his own.

"I mean just that - I don't have any horses."

"But what proper household doesn't have horses?" Arthur demanded. "And how will the knights and I travel? Are we expected to ride donkeys or mules? What kind of King or knight will we look like astride some common ass?"

Merlin rolled his eyes, No thought to my reputation, then. "Well, you've got me there - an ass riding an ass does seem unworkable, logistically speaking at least."

Arthur went on as if he hadn't heard his former servant. "And how are we going to do battle in this coming war without horses?"

"Don't worry, prat. If worse comes to worse, I'll hire someone to walk behind you banging two coconut halves together," the warlock said without thinking.

Arthur's brow furrowed in puzzlement. "What's a coconut, Merlin? And why would I want someone behind me banging two halves of them together? It sounds awful, not to mention inconvenient. How would I hunt with that kind of racket? Have you finally been stricken with that mental affliction we all knew you'd get sooner or later?"

I wonder how the prophecy would work if he was the Once and Future Baboon? Merlin pondered to himself.

"It's not important, Clotpole. Anyway, most people don't have horses nowadays. We use something called the automobile to get around."

"Au - to- mo- bile," Arthur repeated the unfamiliar word, finding it a bit dubious. "And what manner of thing is that, then?"

"It's sort of a carriage that can move by itself."

"If it can move by itself, how do you control it? How do you stop it from running amok and knocking down innocent people?"

Arthur's conclusion threw Merlin momentarily off-step. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry; the King's misunderstanding was comical, but also filled Merlin with a sudden realization of just how alien this world was going to be to his friends.

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I didn't mean it could move of its own volition, as if it had a mind of its own, I only meant that it doesn't need an outside force to pull it, like a horse or team of oxen. It's propelled by a thing called an 'engine' which sits inside of it, but I have still have to drive it, otherwise it doesn't move. Well, it could roll if it was on a hill and I left the brakes off, but... uh, well maybe it would be easier if I simply showed you. Would you like to go for a ride?"

"All right," Arthur agreed and so the pair finished their stroll across the lawn and headed towards Merlin's garage.

Merlin lifted the garage door and nodded towards the inside. "Well, there it is."

Arthur examined the vehicle, which was a dark blue convertible. Merlin could tell the other man had no idea at all of what to make of it, but didn't want to look foolish, so he forgave Arthur for his haughty pronouncement that it "didn't look very big to him."

Merlin sighed. "Actually, you're right. I didn't see the others coming back, so I didn't worry about it. But we're going to need something quite a bit larger if we're all to go anywhere together."

"Still though," Arthur began, possessing at least enough sensitivity to worry that he may have just inadvertently wounded his friend, "I'm sure it's quite a fine… uh, thing. And you and I could go for a ride."

"Of course," Merlin laughed, not at all put out. "It's a nice morning, what's say we leave the top down."

"If you wish, Merlin."

-x-

After a few glitches, such as getting Arthur to buckle up, and the King's sudden start of fear ("It merely took me off guard, Merlin!") when the car "came to life", the ride was a huge success. Merlin stuck mostly to the country back lanes, not wanting to overwhelm Arthur with too many visions of the present just yet, but he did let loose once on the motorway just to give Arthur an idea of how fast the auto could really travel. To his immense pleasure, he caught the King laughing like a little boy.

"This is wonderful, Merlin!" Arthur shouted. "And this road! It's better than a Roman road! How did they get it so smooth and flat?"

"All it good time, my King," the warlock chuckled in return.

The sky eventually clouded over however, and, after turning off onto another country lane, Merlin stopped at a lay-by and put up the roof. Arthur jumped in surprise as the rag top began to rise behind him all by itself, like a snake slowly lifting itself from the ground. "Is it magic?" he asked.

"No. It's mechanical."

Arthur didn't understand, but let it go. They decided to turn back, reckoning the others would be wondering where they'd got to by now.

Still feeling encouraged at Arthur's embrace of one technological marvel, Merlin was completely unprepared for the attack that met him when he pulled the car into his drive.

The literal attack.

Elyan leaped out shouting and screaming from the right as they passed the hedge wall that encircled the property and swung his sword down at Merlin, crumpling the rag top above the man's head and nearly striking him. Merlin's shock was so great that it barely penetrated that the sounds of chaos to his left was Leon was doing the same on Arthur's side while the King shouted at him. Merlin sped up to get away from the pair, only to nearly run down a charging Lancelot and Gwaine. Swerving desperately, he pulled the vehicle to the right and then had to turn sharply yet again to avoid Percival, who hit the bonnet with an axe. Merlin braked, but not in time to avoid going over the largest root of his oak tree. The car bounced and shuddered roughly and Merlin felt something breaking. Gods, there goes the suspension! he cursed, and then cursed again as the left side of the car scraped against the tree and they finally came to a stop. And then if that wasn't enough, Gaius and Gwen came rushing at him throwing fist sized rocks at the vehicle. Several bounced off the bonnet while Merlin shouted for them to stop before they could smash the windscreen.

"NO! What are you doing?"

"Don't worry, Merlin! We'll get you out of that beast's belly!" Gwaine yelled as he stuck his sword down the now sizeable gap between the roof and the car door, as if he was going to pry his friend free. The other knights continued to hack away at the car, aiming to get closer to the King.

Merlin managed to open the door and push his way out before getting gored by the tip of Gwaine's sword. "STOP!" he ordered in his dragonlord voice, stunning everyone to stillness. Eight gaping faces met his, since, with the exception of Lancelot, none of them had ever heard that volume from him before.

"Stop!" he repeated more weakly, the sudden and unwarranted destruction of his car draining the fight out of him. "You've got it all wrong!"

Arthur, unable to get out of his side due to the oak tree being hard against the passenger side door, scrambled delicately over the gear shift and got out Merlin's side.

Merlin sank down, collapsing to sit cross-legged on the lawn, and covered his face with his hands in despair.

Arthur awkwardly patted the top of his friend's head. "Well, look at it this way, Merlin," he winced sympathetically, "You did say we would need something larger to fit us all. So now you have the perfect excuse to get a more extravagant carriage without looking vulgar!"

Merlin just whimpered, wondering how in the name of all the Gods he was going to explain sword strikes to his mechanic.

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Awww, poor Merlin. I didn't mean to be so rough on him, but apparently today was a day for evilness. Any ideas on how the group can make it up to him?