Ch. 3: How Not to Kidnap
The rest of the week passed in a relative blur. After a few very unsuccessful attempts to conquer Zelda's heart and enough schoolwork to melt my brain, Saturday arrived in the form of a blessing. I was exhausted from days of being up late doing homework, only to wake up at the crack of dawn the next morning to drag my sorry ass to school.
Whatever. Point is, by the time Saturday rolled around, I kind of felt like curling up and sleeping for days. Which I might have done, if not for Malon's bonfire.
I guess the plan was to get together around 6:00 that night. I pulled on a t-shirt and jeans- damn, it felt good to get out of that school uniform- and attempted to look good while simultaneously making my good looks look effortless. I'm not really sure how well it worked out because I went to all this trouble to look impressive- I mean, I showered twice- and kind of looked the same when I had finished getting ready as I had before I'd even started. So I guess it was kind of a waste of time.
I had to take the bus out to Malon's place because we didn't have a car and the train didn't run that far. I usually took the subway to school, but like I said, the sub rails didn't stretch out past city boundaries, so I got stuck on the bus next to this fleshy bald man who insisted that I buy his "magic beans." Needless to say, the bus ride wasn't very enjoyable.
The bus stopped with about a quarter mile's walk left to the Lon Lon gates. Dusk was approaching and as I trod the trail towards Malon's home, I asked myself what on earth I was going to do at a party, trying to woo the one girl who didn't welcome me. I did assume early on that Zelda would be there.
Malon's house was tall and bleach white. It was on the crest of this hill that overlooked all these rolling hills and pastures, with horses and cows milling about off in the distance. I could see the silhouette of the barn against the setting sun. I mean, wow. What a sight.
The bonfire was being held around the back of the house. It wasn't quite sure what I had expected, because the kids there weren't uptight and all uniformed like they were in school. They were pretty laid back. I didn't see Malon anywhere, so I just ended up in a group of girls. I figured that if I flirted with them, Zelda might get jealous or something. Besides, I was pretty bored, so I just sat in a circle of girls and teased them. It got boring after awhile, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I hadn't seen Zelda at all since I'd arrived.
Malon was off to the side tampering with a radio. I approached her a little tentatively.
"Malon?"
She glanced up and grinned. "Ganondorf Dragmire!" she exclaimed. "When did you get here?"
"About fifteen minutes ago. Uh... is Zelda here?" I asked, scratching the back of my head. Malon noticed the gesture and giggled.
"No," she answered airily. "She couldn't make it. Neither could Link."
"Why?" I asked, and her face fell.
"Not allowed," she answered quickly. "Their father likes to keep them close at hand."
I groaned. "Zelda's father could tell her to jump off the roof and she would listen, wouldn't she?" I theorized. Malon didn't really respond, she just kind of frowned. I think she was unsure as to whether I was actually serious.
She sighed quietly. "I just wish they were here. Not because I want them here but because I think they'd like to be here. They never come to parties, and I think that maybe just once..." She trailed off.
I thought about it for a second. "Would Zelda get in trouble if we... I don't know, kidnapped her? Brought her here against her will?"
Malon considered this for a moment. "I don't know," she answered. "I guess that she technically wouldn't be punished for it." Her eyes lit up. "Ganondorf, that's a wonderful idea! Oh, the more I think about it, the more I like it. Yes, let's do it. Let's kidnap Zelda and force her to come to the bonfire!"
A short list of reasons why kidnapping Zelda Harkinian was a blatantly stupid idea:
1: Kidnapping was a crime.
2: Zelda knew that.
3: And she would kill me for it.
4: Not to mention that her father was my headmaster.
5: And he would punish me for it.
6: Also, have I mentioned I'm not very tactful?
"Let's do it," I said decisively. Malon squealed in agreement.
"Oh, this will be fun!" she exclaimed. "Let me just tell Cremia!" She scurried away for a second, and I watched as she engaged her slightly older, slightly less odd sister in conversation. After she had gotten her sister to roll her eyes and nod in agreement, Malon returned to my side.
"Cremia said she'd handle things while we're gone," Malon announced. "And it gets better- Cremia said we could take her porsche! She never lets me take the porsche..."
A porsche.
Go figure.
…
The Harkinians lived back in the city. Hyrule City was kind of confusing because it had three parts. It had the metropolis, with actual skyscrapers and neon lights and billboards that lit up city square at night. Then it had the slums, where I was stuck in that ten story apartment complex trying to block out all the noise around me. And then there was the classy, historic part of the city. The historic part was all old brick buildings pressed up against sidewalks. This was the part of the city with all of the decorated storefronts and sidewalk cafes. The school was there, too.
This was the part of the city that Zelda lived in.
Malon made the twenty-minute drive in under ten minutes. I swear, I'd never met a girl who gave fewer shits than Malon of Lon Lon Ranch. (I had yet to learn a last name- I was actually starting to think she didn't have one.)
She parked a block away from the Harkinians' place because I guess she didn't want to attract attention. (This was coming from the girl whose purpose in life was to do exactly the opposite.) She showed me how to lace around the trees to access the backyard without being seen or heard. Apparently, the Harkinians had some housemaid who doubled as their security system, so sneaking in and out wasn't as easy as it was for other teenagers. Luckily, Malon had done this before. She showed me around the back of the house to a small concave corner where a vine crept up the stone wall. She gave me a smack on the butt- something that I did not and still do not consider to be out of her character- and then hoisted me up onto the dangling vine, supporting my weight as I gained my footing. She followed swiftly, outpacing me in the climb and ending up at the top of the vine before I'd even made it halfway. I tried really hard to not look up her skirt when she did that and might have failed just a little bit.
Sorry, Malon, if you're reading this.
She reached up and opened the unlatched window as quietly as she could, slipping inside and then reaching a hand down to help me clamber through as well. Then she closed the window just as quickly as she had opened it and swept me into a nearby hallway.
"This house is huge," she explained. "Kind of like a maze, I'd say."
And she wasn't lying. She pulled me by the wrist through the hallways, which crossed and overlapped each other in strange places. I'm telling you now, Zelda's house was old, and I mean really old. The kind of old where taking one step made the whole thing creak and groan in protest. I didn't know how we were supposed to be stealthy in a place like that, especially when I had all the poise of a drunk moblin. But Malon didn't seem to have any trouble. As soon as she heard the slightest trace of footsteps, she would whisk me into some sort of hiding place- a broom closet, or an open room, and even once a dumbwaiter- and wait for the footsteps to cease. And then we would keep walking towards Zelda's room, a trek which was way longer than I had anticipated.
One such situation occurred when we had almost reached Zelda's bedroom. We were passing over the foyer, the staircase just in view, when we heard movement downstairs. Malon sidled up against the wall as quickly as she could, ducking into the shadow that it cast. I stood beside her, and for a second everything was quiet; the only sound was that of our nervous breathing.
Then, there was a shout from downstairs; I don't know exactly what was said, but I recognized Link's voice. Then I heard him cry out in pain. He must have stumbled into something because a split second later something shattered, and I made out a few short sobs before Malon was on the move again, dragging me with her.
"Do you think we should leave?" I whispered suddenly, my confidence dropping exponentially. That fight had to have been between Link and his dad. I could only imagine what would happen if the headmaster caught us. The thought actually scared me, and I'm usually not scared of anything.
"No," Malon murmured, and I could hear the determination in her voice. "We need to get Zelda out of here." She turned another corner and then stopped outside of a door, not bothering to knock before she pushed it open soundlessly. The light from Zelda's bedroom flooded into the darkness of the hallway, and for a second, Malon and I both stood there and just looked in.
Zelda's room was cavernous, to say the least. It was decorative and starch and everything was perfectly in place. And yet something seemed wrong about it. I don't know what.
She wasn't facing us. She was sitting at a desk with her back to us, her blonde hair actually down for once. She had it pulled back in a headband, and I almost didn't recognize her out of uniform. She was in a pale pink blouse and tan slacks; in my opinion, the loose fitting clothes looked too baggy and made her look kind of thin. I didn't like seeing her thin like that, didn't like seeing her small. I suppose Zelda wouldn't have looked or acted small if she had known that Malon and I were watching her, but she didn't know, so she didn't act.
I think that was the first time I realized that Zelda wasn't all she was cracked up to be. Because for once, she looked like a girl, not a... well, not a violent librarian. And something turned within me- guilt? Confusion?
Malon ruined my moment of calm admiration by zipping past me, taking Zelda by surprise when she slipped one hand over her mouth and another around her shoulders and held her there. Zelda gave a muffled shriek and tried to break free, writhing her limbs in protest. Malon was stronger, though, and Zelda didn't stand a chance against the farmgirl. Malon shushed her and revealed her identity, at which point Zelda calmed down.
"Shh, don't worry, Zel. It's me, it's Malon."
Zelda stopped moving and Malon withdrew her arms. For a second, they just stared at each other. Then, Zelda spoke.
"How'd you get in?"
"Back window."
"I thought Impa had sealed that up after the last time you snuck in."
Malon smirked. "Doubt it. Impa usually likes it when I sneak in."
I felt like I was missing something rather important here. Who was Impa? I didn't bother asking, realizing at this point it would do more harm than good to pry.
"Come on," Malon said. "I'm breaking you out of here."
"Thank Nayru," Zelda said, and I was shocked. Zelda was agreeing? But- but- no way, Zelda was such a rule follower, she would never-
"Let's get out of here before all hell breaks loose," Zelda said, and then pointed toward a staircase. "We can actually get out this way, if we're quick enough. Leads to the backdoor."
"I know," Malon answered. "I have been here before, Zellie. Come on, Ganondorf!"
Zelda froze midway through standing up. Her head snapped over in my direction and she narrowed her eyes.
"You're here?" she said. Her voice iced over when she said it.
"I've been here," I answered coolly.
"That changes things," Zelda announced, and she sat back down stubbornly.
"What?!" cried Malon with a sigh. "Zel, you're being ridiculous. You're not telling me you actually want to stay."
"I won't leave. I can't leave," Zelda insisted.
"But-"
"No. Don't even try." She crossed her arms and crossed her legs and then stuck her nose up in the air like her decision was absolutely final.
Malon sighed melodramatically. "Zelda Harkinian," she announced, "you have left me with absolutely no choice. Ganondorf, give me a hand over here."
And with all the swiftness she could muster, Malon grabbed Zelda by the waist and handed her to me, at which point I threw her over my shoulder. Zelda started to kick and scream, and that's when we made a break for it. The three of us- well, the two of us, actually- made a mad dash down the staircase, unlocking the side door and escaping into the yard. Malon made a beeline down the sidewalk for the porsche and I did the best I could, having to support Zelda's weight. We almost made it- I swear to Din, we would have made it, I was reaching for the handle of the car door and everything- and then my body crumpled over in pain when Zelda decided it would be a good idea to knee me in the crotch. She began to sprint but I stumbled forward and wrapped my arms around her shoulders, preventing her from leaving. Zelda howled in protest.
"Hands off, Dragmire!" she cried. But I just shook my head. I could feel the rage boiling in my stomach; finally, I snapped.
"You'd rather stay in that hell of a house then spend a few minutes with me?!" I shouted as Zelda struggled to break my hold. "Am I really that bad?!"
Zelda froze. Her voice came in in one one quick, shrill breath. "This is my house, and my family, and you wouldn't know the first thing about it! Stay away from my house, and STAY AWAY FROM ME!" The statement had ended in screaming.
I think she startled me enough that my grip faltered, permitting her escape. She took a few steps backwards, her hair a mess, her clothes rumpled, staring at Malon and I in absolute shock. And we just stared back, equally awed by her words.
And then she turned on her heel and sprinted down the sidewalk, sprinted faster than I'd ever seen anyone else run in their life, and I realized that she wasn't just upset; she was freaking terrified.
I turned to Malon, who was similarly dumbstruck. And then we returned to the car, and from there we returned to the bonfire, and when we re-entered the party it was like we had never left at all.
But I felt absolutely awful.
I don't know why I'm updating this so quickly. The chapters are short, and traffic graphs claim nobody's really reading it. I figured I'd put out the third chapter, since that's where the plot starts.
Also, I'm going to get back into doing this, so... Next chapter: Ganon faces the repercussions of his assault mission on the Harkinian home, and learns a few things he probably shouldn't along the way.
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