Katniss POV:
The lights went out and immediately I felt Haymitch's hands grab my shoulders and pull me away from the stage. He didn't release his grip on me even when we were in the lift, I tried to fight him off but he was clearly furious about something and after two attempts of talking to him I conceded that until Haymitch wanted to tell me whatever it was he was so angry about I wasn't going to hear it. Eventually he pushed me to a rooftop and released me from his grasp.
"What the hell were you thinking?" His voice is gruff but defiantly slurred and his face is so close to mine that I can almost taste the alcohol on his breath, I can defiantly smell it.
"I haven't done anything." I am not in the mood right now; all I need to think about is how I am going to make all this up to Peeta.
"Tell me how this is the Capitol showing mercy and if the Capitol has forgiven the districts then why do this to all the innocent children?" his voice is clearly mimicking mine, "Sweetheart, do you have a death wish? Was facing the Games not enough to make you realise how much the Capitol control you?" I scowl, my full scowl but the only person this seems to work on is Peeta and now he won't care for me because of Gale. "Do you really think your scowl will work on me?"
"What do you want from me Haymitch?" I just want to go to my room and not think about this, I especially don't want to be spending time with a washed up drunk.
"I don't care what happens to you, but I am guessing you don't want your family dead so tomorrow you will be a sweat girl who apologises for what she said yesterday because it was all from the shock."
"No... But if they really want me to pay why wouldn't they kill me, I don't think I care anymore if I live or die."
"Would you feel as much pain dying as you would knowing your sister, mother and boyfriend... If he still is when you get back died because of you." I don't want to hear this anymore so I turn and run to my room, bolt the door shut, strip down and run into the shower. I let it take away every smear of make-up, every wisp of hairspray away and take it all down the drain. I want to be the girl I am in the woods but I can barely remember the feel of the bow my father made in my hands. I want so desperately to wake up and it is reaping day, see Gale whilst we hunt, to meet Peeta at the school gates and feel his lips pressed to mine. But that is a fantasy and now I have to fix my reality, stop dreaming of what I have lost and fix what I might still have.
I get out the shower, slip into my pyjamas and plan. I have to somehow show people how wrong I think the Games are, not get my family killed, prove to Peeta I love him and I only kissed Gale twice, convince people I am weak and strong and not have a break down in front of the whole of Panem. Shouldn't be too hard. I laugh slightly to myself, this is the kind of thing Peeta and I would do together, find a way to make light of a situation that seemed impossible. If he was here he would know what to do. He has a way with words that I will never master. I don't think I will do all this. It is too hard. Instead of thinking I let myself sleep and I pray that in the morning I will think of something before I have to face Caesar's questioning again.
Waking up was a relief, throughout the night I woke up and had to stop myself screaming but each time I returned to my sleep I was tormented by my own head. The light outside was like a safe haven to me; I was so relieved until I remembered what today will hold. Effie started banging on my door,
"It is going to be a big, big day." Her voice was her usual trill high pitched one with its annoying Capitol accent but this time her excitement was above its usual level and that made her sound like a toddler walking past the bakery.
I mumble a reply to tell her I am getting up and then immediately my prep team hurry in gushing about how much they loved being on stage last night and how excited they are for all the parties they will be invited to now they had been part of a victor's team. I added the odd word to the conversation but luckily Cinna arrived and shooed them out the room before they drove me to insanity. He carried with him a black dress bag and looked excited to show me it. But he holds it slightly further away from me when he sees my vague interest in what I will be wearing.
"Just remember that I can't set you on fire every time I dress you." His smile is so warm that it glows inside me. Then he unzips the bag and a black dress tumbles out. There isn't a hint of fire but it is still stunning, besides my nails have fire patterns on them. It is slightly more girly than I would have liked but it is still amazing. It the fabric looks like it would dissolve at my touch; it must be made of a Capitol fabric because this would be pointless in the districts. Cinna brings it towards me the back already unzipped and slips it onto me. I let the fabric fall down and as I turn to the mirror I barely recognise myself, my make-up has obscured my features and this dress stops me from looking as boyish as I do when I wear my hunting gear. My hair is perfect and falls around my face framing me and adds to the perfection that I have. But the perfection is not of natural beauty it is of what other people have created and I feel slightly false.
I look to Cinna and am lost for words because me having any kind of perfection is unexpected. He just says "Don't waste all the effort now." And I immediately know how I am going to speak to Caesar, I can't give my life up after I killed to preserve it, I would have wasted everything, wasted lives and all the pain I endured would be pointless. Effie comes in and tells me I am a vision, she babbles on a bit about how I should present myself to Caesar but I don't really listen and just follow her to where Caesar is already waiting for me.
"Katniss, you look amazing but please tell me that our mood has improved now." Caesar is clearly sounding light-hearted but his voice is grave and slightly fearful.
"Caesar I am so sorry about that I was just in shock." I try my best to smile but it isn't something that I find comes naturally to me.
"I thought it might be that, and I am sorry that you were in shock, you have to enjoy your time in the spotlight Katniss. It will only last a year before the next Victor comes along." If only he knew how much I planned to stop the next Victor ever coming around. "Let's get started then."
We walk over to where two couches are placed facing each other but they are not quite parallel, Caesar sat in one and I lowered myself into the other. Someone started a countdown from five and then all too quickly it was time for me to start talking.
"Katniss, we all know you have been in a bit of a love triangle haven't you. Would you like to explain what went on between you and the other tribute from your district?" I was so pleased he asked that.
"I loved Gale Hawthorne," I paused and let the entire room take in a sharp breath in shock, "but only as a friend. I know that this is a disappointment to many of you but it is the truth. I kissed him more than once, that is true. Because I will not dispute that twice is more than once but neither kiss really counted. The first kiss was on the night before the Games began. It wasn't a kiss of love or longing it is because I felt guilty about not being able to love him back, it was a stupid thing to do but I couldn't stand seeing my best friend so venerable. The second kiss that you all saw was because I was tired and confused and saw him as Peeta, I don't know why that happened, they are polar opposites but Gale was no longer in front of me, it was Peeta and I needed my last kiss with Peeta because I thought I was going to die. The Games confused me and now I am afraid I have lost the boy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with because I was there."
I felt relieved that I had said it all right, I distracted most people with the love story but the message is still there that I blame the games even if it is conflicted by my girl-driven-mad-in-love story.
"Oh Katniss, I am so sorry you think you have lost him. Do you think there is any hope he will forgive you."
"That is something I will find out tonight." (A/N: I know the train trip is longer but never mind).
"If you could see him right now what would you say?" Caesar is completely playing this how I wanted him to.
"I would beg for his forgiveness but I would tell him I understand if he can't give it to me." I hear sighs from my prep team that clearly have lapped up my story exactly as I expected.
"When you were at home in your district did you know you wanted him to be yours forever?" I know I have to be careful how I answer this because I don't want to say that the Hunger Games brought out my love for him.
"I did, and so did Gale, I told him all the time about my plans to spend my life with Peeta, I just never told Peeta because I was scared he wouldn't want the same." My voice gets quieter and quieter as I say this and there is a long pause in the conversation. Caesar lets my words linger in the air and then gets onto the more horrific things that I really didn't want to talk about that happened in the Games. But my answers aren't as interesting as they were for the love questions because it was vital I got that right and I think my words for the first time haven't failed me and maybe Peeta will know me well enough to understand how sorry I am.
The interview is wrapped up and I am bustled off to the train station carrying nothing but my gold pin. Tonight I will see Peeta again and I pray that he will forgive me; I just am scared he won't.