This chapter was difficult to write. My mind was all over the place so I felt it moved too fast. Bear with me
"So how are you feeling today, Sesshomaru?"
The inuyoukai chose not to answer. He simply shifted in his seat, his eyes staring at the simple but nice black coffee table.
"Are you ok with having a new therapist? I know you'd been seeing the previous one for quite some time so you've probably grown attached to her-"
"Why did they chose you to be my therapist?" Sesshomaru asked in a monotone voice as if he really didn't care.
The therapist cleared his throat. "Well your therapist is supposed to help you progress. You've been steadily getting worse so we decided maybe a new therapist would be best"
Sesshomaru didn't respond to that. He was sick of therapy now. Now they just asked questions like they wanted to be nosy rather than help him. He wanted his old one back.
"Have you & Inuyasha talked much since the miscarriage?"
The inuyoukai finally looked up at the therapist, Dr. Myoga he believed was his name, & glared daggers at him. "Don't you ever talk to me about that"
Dr. Myoga shuddered under the angry gaze & nodded. "Alright. Have you spoken to Inuyasha recently?"
Sesshomaru sighed inaudibly & slowly ran his hand over the old but still raised scars on his arm out of habit. Why did an hour feel so long in here but only like a few minutes when he was sleeping?
"When was the last time you cut yourself?"
"Two days ago" the silver haired beauty whispered absentmindedly.
"Where?"
"Inside of my elbow"
Dr. Myoga considered his next question carefully. Sesshomaru was least likely to answer a question that involved talking about his emotions, emotional situations, Inuyasha or the baby they lost. "Did it make you feel better?"
"No"
"Why not?"
The inuyoukai paused. "I failed"
"What did you fail at doing?"
Sesshomaru smirked humorlessly. "Dying"
.
..
Inuyasha woke up with a start from one of those dreams where you thought you were falling off of a cliff. His heart was racing & he was breathing hard but it didn't take long before he calmed down. He took another deep breath to clear his mind completely & glanced over at his mate...or rather where his mate should be laying. Instead it was empty, the blankets thrown back. Now his heart rate picked back up.
"Sessh?"
The hanyou got out of bed & peeked into the bathroom to search for his mate. Empty. Next he went into the kitchen. Nada. He checked the guest rooms, the garage & the hall closet but none of them were occupied. By now the half demon was hyperventilating & sweating. Never let Sesshomaru out of your sight. That's what his therapist said. Always know where he is & if someone is with him. Most parents didn't go to such extremes when grieving a child that was never born but whether it was because dog demons are particularly protective of their young or because birthing male demons form a strong emotional connection with the baby, Sesshomaru was the most extreme case they've ever had to deal with.
"Sessh!"
There came a sound of shifting in the laundry room & Inuyasha peeked in. Sesshomaru was sitting on the floor in front of the washer, watching it with dull, unfocused eyes. His right hand continuously picked at several new cuts on the inside of his left wrist & blood seeped to the floor in a slow steady stream.
Inuyasha heaved a sigh & rubbed his face. His therapist had said if Sesshomaru had one more cutting incident Inuyasha was going to have to admit him into a rehab facility but he just couldn't bring himself to. Sessh had never even come close to killing himself. Yes his cuts did get deeper & he did bleed more each time but it was never in a spot where a main artery was or anything. It was always a (deep but) superficial cut, one that wouldn't even be noticeable in about six months or so (though these new cuts would probably last a few years. These were so deep he could see the white meat).
The hanyou went & sat beside the inuyoukai then placed a gentle hand on the fidgeting hand that kept digging into his cuts. "Wanna talk?"
"No" Sesshomaru answered without hesitation.
"Alright. Well then I will. I got a raise today. A new company bought us out, gave us all raises, benefits, vacation days & all of that. They're pretty nice to-"
Sesshomaru let go an exasperated sigh like he honestly did not care. He probably didn't but Inuyasha didn't know what else to say.
"Well. What do you want for dinner?"
The silver haired beauty only responded with a slight shake of his head: he didn't want to eat anything.
"I could cook, you know. I haven't made pot roast in a long time"
"I'm not hungry" Sesshomaru grumbled.
"Maybe by the time it's done you will. & we can have mashed potatoes with it. & peas. & sweet tea. How's that sound?"
The corner of the dog demon's top lip raised a little in disgust but he didn't say anything. As long as he'd gone without eating, no food sounded particularly appetizing. Inuyasha hoped that maybe if he smelled food being cooked it would change his mind but he had yet to see his love show any interest in eating.
"Kagome gave me this recipe for apple pie that I think you'd like. She calls it the Paula Dean apple pie because it has so much butte-"
"I...do not give a shit, Inuyasha. Leave"
The hanyou flinched, almost physically feeling the blow of those words. Some days Sesshomaru said nothing at all. Sometimes he was really mean. Any other time Inuyasha wouldn't have been bothered by the cold shoulder or nasty words but I guess it was hard to maintain a thick skin when it seemed like the person you loved the most didn't love you anymore.
"You've got to stop mutilating your body, babe" Inuyasha said softly, "It's not healthy"
"Who cares about being healthy anymore...?"
The half breed shifted on the cold floor. "When you convinced me to stop smoking I cared about being healthy. I stopped cause I wanted you &...you to be healthy"
Sesshomaru laughed humorlessly. "You wanted to stop so the baby & I could be healthy. Look how that turned out..."
"Babe, sometimes these things just happen-"
"Spare me the lecture, Inuyasha"
"Then stop cutting yourself"
"Or what, you'll admit me?"
"Yes" the hanyou said without hesitation.
The inuyoukai glanced out at the deep cuts on his forearm. These cuts would probably last the rest of his life, as deep as they were. He didn't think he minded that; it'd be a reminder. Of what? He wasn't sure yet. Maybe that pain is temporary or something? But to be honest there was no deep meaning behind why he was cutting himself. He just felt like doing it to see if it would really hurt (it didn't).
"It's something I'd have to do, not want to" Inuyasha continued, "It's not the end of the world. We can have another baby-"
"It is only a possibility, Inuyasha, not a guarantee. The treatment is only an experiment & they have no idea if it would even work on me so let's not get our hopes up"
"One thing we need right now is hope Sessh! I need hope, hope that I won't come home & find you hanging from the ceiling. Hope I won't wake up with you pointing a gun at my head or who knows! This has gotten you so torn up I don't even recognize you. I'm...I'm scared"
The inuyoukai frowned, looking at his boyfriend for the first time. "Scared of what?"
"Of you. Of what you could do. Of what you're thinking you should do. You won't talk to me. For all I know you could be planning on leaving me to find another Alpha with stronger seed"
The silver haired beauty directed his attention at the washer as it beeped, letting them know it was done. He reached up & ran another cycle so they wouldn't be left in silence.
"Please get help" Inuyasha whispered, "Since you won't let me help, let someone, anyone help. Please"
& with that he stood & left, leaving a cold breeze in his wake.
.
..
Inuyasha rubbed a tired hand over his face. No man should go to war with the world then come home & war with his mate. It was like he could never rest. He was always on his toes, trying to anticipate what Sesshomaru might do to injure himself or someone else. He could understand why the demon was so...just...emotionally torn up but how much longer would this last? Would he ever even get over it?
Inuyasha stepped into the cool house & hung his keys up. There were no lights on, since Sesshomaru never left the bedroom so the hanyou had learned to get around in the dark. He made sure the stove was turned all the way off, made sure the dishwasher was empty & there were no dirty dishes in the sink & he glanced in the fridge to see if yesterday's dinner was still good. Thankfully it was. He really wasn't in the mood to coo-
The half demon paused when he felt something foreign on the counter. It was cold, metal, thick & shaped like a cylinder but it wasn't much bigger than an inch. He switched on the light & his heart dropped so fast the wind left his body. It was a bullet. From the smell it hadn't been fired but what was it even doing on the counter? He looked around at the windows that let out to the porch. None of them were shattered. No sign of struggle. Nothing even out of place. But this was not sitting right with him at all.
Inuyasha went upstairs & slowly sat his phone & keys on the bedside table. "Sessh?"
No response.
The bed was empty, the comforter thrown back. When the hanyou touched the sheets it was cool so apparently Sessh hadn't laid here in a while. It was then he noticed the bathroom lights were on but there was no noise coming from the room.
"Sessh? You in the bathroom?"
Silence.
The half demon crept forward & slowly pushed the door open & his jaw fell slack as his heart dropped again. Sesshomaru was sitting on a stool in front of their mirror that took up the entire wall, a gun pointed to his temple. His facial expression was relaxed but his left hand, which was not holding the gun, was balled up into a tight fist.
"W-what are you doing, Sessh?" Inuyasha whispered, his voice cracking.
Sesshomaru blinked but otherwise didn't move.
"Baby...give me the gun" the half breed continued to whisper, inching forward, "Just put the gun down...& give it to me"
"Did you know that if a demon of royal blood could not bare children they were killed back when we first met? Sesshomaru asked, his voice sounding loud since he was not whispering, "They had the choice of being gutted or hanged. There were no guns back then"
Inuyasha swallowed thickly.
"This is the least painful way. At least I hope so. If I'm put into any more pain than I'm already in, well..."
"Give me...the gun, Sessh..."
"I had a dream about Mother last night. I think she has died. She wanted me to come home & held her arms out in welcoming. Do you think she's burning in hell for not intervening on my behalf? Should a mother not do everything in her power to protect her child?"
"Sessh..."
"Back away from me!" Sesshomaru snapped when he noticed the half breed was almost within reach. Inuyasha skittered back, his eyes watering.
"Please, Sessh...don't do this"
The anger slowly seeped from the inuyoukai's features & he continued on almost as if he were talking to himself. "I wonder how Father is. Not that I should care but I do still think of him from time to time. From what I hear he died...long ago. But who knows? Maybe he just lived off the land after that dragon tribe leader injured him. I'm sure he knew there weren't many people who loved him back home"
Inuyasha's hands were shaking. He had no idea what to say or do. What could you even say to the person you loved who was holding a gun to their own head?
& just like that Sesshomaru's right arm dropped into his lap & he exhaled in a rush. He bowed his head for a moment & when he raised it, tears ran down his face. "I'll go"
The hanyou stepped forward cautiously & carefully took the gun. When Sesshomaru didn't try to hold on to it he tossed it away & grabbed his mate into a fierce hug, both of them crying & shaking. This was their last hope. If this didn't work...but Inuyasha decided not to plan that far ahead. They'd cross the bridges when they got to them.
.
..
The car was silent. They didn't even have the music on. Inuyasha didn't mind it much since his mind was already crowded. Music would only irritate him right now.
Today was beautiful. Not a cloud in the sky, not too cold, not too hot. Just warm with a cool breeze. Spring was just around the corner. Fuck what the groundhog said.
Inuyasha glanced over at Sesshomaru who was staring aimlessly out of the window. His hair was almost back to its lustrous shine but not quite. It was neat though. His eyes still had the dark circles under them from lack of sleep but he looked a little better. Just a little. Inuyasha could narrow his eyes & remember the gorgeous being Sesshomaru had always prided himself on. The hanyou glanced down at the inuyoukai's hand, wanting to hold it. His hand twitched but he decided not to. Things between them were very fragile & there was a very thin membrane of peace. He didn't want to shatter it.
"Will you come visit me?" Sesshomaru asked very quietly.
"I don't think they'll let me but I will definitely ask" Inuyasha responded.
"Six months is a long time..."
"It is. That's why it'd be nice if I could come see you"
Sesshomaru glanced down at the cuts in his wrists. "Do you think they'll keep me isolated from everyone?"
"Well as long as you don't give them a reason to...like...don't fight or threaten anyone...I'm sure they'll let you mingle with everyone"
A nervous silence fell over them as different possibilities of what could happen in & outside of the rehab facility. Would it be like jail? Would it feel like it?
"Do...do you think...you'll move on...?" Sesshomaru whispered.
Inuyasha glanced over at him & frowned. "Move on?"
"Will you find...someone else to be your significant other while I'm in the facility?"
"Oh, baby, no. No. I don't want anyone else but you. Six months is a long time but I'll still wait. I'd never replace you"
He smirked when a faint blush skittered across the silver haired beauty's face & a shy smile played on his lips. He hadn't seen his mate smile in a very long time. It made him feel like they could last through anything.
He reached over & grabbed the demon's hand, smiling when the demon's fingers laced between his.
.
..
"We'll get you settled in in a jiffy" the coordinator said cheerfully.
Inuyasha didn't care for the sunny yellow walls with the generic paintings & the old but neat furniture in the lobby area of the Shikon Rehab Treatment Center. I mean it was nice but it was almost...too much. It probably had something psychological attached to it, like the color yellow didn't make you want to snort cocaine or something.
Sesshomaru's body language was stiff. He didn't want to be here. Inuyasha was tempted to ask him if he was sure he wanted to do this but really, this was something he had to do. You don't just get over having a miscarriage. You don't just stop cutting. He needed help.
"Well Mr. Inuyasha, it has been a pleasure meeting you. Your husband is in good hands, there is no need to worry" the coordinator said, smiling.
Inuyasha almost corrected her but decided not to. He smirked. "So...this is goodbye for now?"
The small blond nodded. "I'll give you two some privacy. When you're done, you can follow me, Mr. Taisho"
She slipped behind some double doors, probably the area where the patients slept.
Sesshomaru was breathing noticeably faster & his eyes were wide in panic. Inuyasha took his face between his hands. "Hey, you need to calm down"
"What am I going to do with myself for six months?" the inuyoukai whispered, unshed tears shining in his eyes.
"Sessh, c'mon..."
"I can't do this. I want to go home. Take me home, Yasha, please"
"Sessh-"
"I can't do this!"
As much as it hurt to say it Inuyasha knew he had to. He dropped his hands & set his face into a very stern expression. "I don't care if this shit took two years, you are going to stay here until you are better, do you understand me? Stop bitching & deal with it. You are not coming home until you get better"
Sesshomaru's eyes got huge & watery, disbelief coloring his features. It broke the hanyou's heart to hurt his love like that but sometimes you just needed that extra push...
The inuyoukai took a few steps back then turned around & went behind the double doors where the coordinator had disappeared off to. His face hovered in the window for a full minute, his expression pleading, begging, but Inuyasha made a "go on" motion with his hand. Sesshomaru eventually turned & walked away & it was only then Inuyasha allowed himself to release the tears that had been begging to be released all morning.