James walked up to the doors to the church hall, apprehensively. All the leaflets he's been given, are adamant that socialising and seeking support are the way to deal with this grief. But these sorts of things always made him feel awkward. Groups of mother's, all in their little cliques, all gossiping. He couldn't go in and not be noticed, as a bloke he was always spotted. As a tall bloke, he had no chance. It still confuses him, that a bloke at one of these groups should be strange. He didn't understand what the issue was, if true be told. A single father was just the same as a single mother. Both of those children had lost a parent, both of those parents had lost a partner in some way. So why did a single mother get treated like trash, and a single father get praised for doing a good job?
They didn't know him. He wasn't doing a good job. If he'd lost his life, and Chrissy had been left with Sam, she'd have done a great job. But these women, with their tea, and their gossip, would most probably jump to conclusions. She must have cheated, she must have been a bitch. Maybe she's a prostitute and the father doesn't even know that he's a father. Their first thought wouldn't be that she lost her husband, and they were happy together.
They don't judge him though. They look at him with sympathy and tell him how sorry they are that he lost his wife. Its ridiculous really, he hasn't told them how Chrissy died, because its no one else's fucking business. For all they know, he bloody killed her. But no, its all sympathy and pity and he can't stand it.
Its laughable. They tell him that he's doing a great job, that he's a good man, that he's brave.
He's not brave. He knows this. He suspects Sam knows this as well; its hard to believe that the little boy isn't hearing his nightmares, despite how hard he tries to hide it. He's not brave in the slightest. This isn't a concious choice. If Sam had to be left with one parent, and he could choose, Sam would be left with Chrissy every time. He'd have his mum bringing him up, not a man who screams in his sleep.
He doesn't want these women's fickle pity, he wants his wife. He wants to go back in time and stand between his wife and the man who stabbed her. His heart hurts and it feels like the only thing that's keeping him going, is the fact that his son is relying on him. All he can do for his wife now, is to look after their little boy.
He looks down at Sam, standing there, thumb in his mouth, looking dubiously at the doors to the hall. Sam looks up at him, eyes big, and shuffles in a little closer. Mind made up, he lifts the three year old onto his hip, and smiles slightly as Sam rests his head on James' shoulder.
"Come on little man, lets go to the park shall we?"
"Can fee' ducks?" It wouldn't be a stretch to head home and grab some bread. Its on the way anyway.
"Yeah...Yeah, we can feed the ducks." Sam pulls back a little and looks straight at him. The youngster turns his head on one side, and before James knows it;
"QUAAAAAAACK!" Despite everything, he bursts out laughing, before turning away from the hall, and telling Sam all about the four species of duck that live on the boating lake.