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Chapter 5
Ben felt clearheaded. He meditated for hours. The pain lessened significantly. He thought of his father and mother. The ex-Jedi gave himself a moment to think. He needed to block Snoke. He was in the rebel bases. He was part of the resistance now. Ben knew better. He was not. His plan was to leave in the Falcon with his father and uncle Chewie.
Dad would not leave however. He could tell. Ben needed time. He could leave in one of the small fighter pilot ones. Only he could not. There was something that held him back in base. Something bigger. Was it power? He was no Jedi there was passion in him. Was he destined to continue his grandfather's legacy? The Vader legacy. Ben shook his head. He was not. He was done with all that. The quest for power had only left him empty. All he ever wanted was for the pain to stop. Ben could not look at his mother. He could leave and then what? He would be aimless, without purpose. Ben searched through the pain in his head and saw it clearly. A picture of him and his parents when he was young. He belonged to them. He was Benjamin Solo. His place was here. His mother would make him the face of the resistance, that was clear. He was safe in the knowledge that no one would question his identity. His mother was correct. He would not be recognized as Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren was dead as were the Knights of Ren. Snoke had killed them all last night. That was another pain that Ben Solo had to face. It would be another of his nightmare. The old man in Jakku had been correct. He could not deny his family any longer. He would embrace it. He was a Solo. He would try to help because there was always that pull from the light.
So Ben Solo concentrated on those early childhood memories that he barely remembered. The man thought about the earliest memory that he had.
Ben remembered laughter, a twinkling laughter and a deeper one. He remembered endless rows of seats and his mother speaking to aliens. The Senate; Ben remembered pools. His father in swimming shorts. Leia in a blue bathing suit. They were in Chandrila. Ben laughed and splashed them. He was four.
Ben remembered the Falcon, running his fingers over the controls and panels. Him running with a toy blaster while uncle Chewie pretended to be mortally wounded.
Ben playing with a stick, a lightsaber because he could be a Jedi one day. A young Han Solo arguing with an equally young Leia.
"He's too young. No, he could be anything why a Jedi?" Han argued.
Leia frowned. "He is force sensitive. It's only play Han." She argued back. "He would be a wonderful Jedi. He's a Skywalker after all."
Han shaking his head, "No. He's a Solo."
Ben concentrated on other happy memories. He would not dwell on the fights that increased as his awareness of the Force did.
Happy memories. Ben thought. Han and Leia dancing in the living room. An old song, very old while dad pretended to sing exaggeratedly; kisses and cuddles from Leia. Han and him playing war games. Han faking death while Ben smiled and kissed his mortal wound.
Suddenly he knew. He needed to confront and look back. Ben thought about those early days when he knew he could so things that daddy and mommy could not do. The voice terrified him but made him feel happy when he broke things. Ben could not go to his mother. The voice had said that it would kill her. Mommy could sense the voice. She could not make it feel better because the voice would kill her. Besides Leia Organa did not have time. She was always busy.
So Ben had Daddy and then Daddy would go away. The voice explained that his parents did not love him. The voice told him to do things. Ben learned that if he did the things. The voice would let him alone for a time.
Uncle Luke had come and taken him away. Ben was fine for years. Snoke was still there but he did not call to him. It was years later when he barely had contact with his mother and father that it started again. Snoke made himself known and poisoned his head and heart. It did not help that in part there was truth to his words. His parents gave up on him. Leia was first and then his father did.
Ben stopped the music and took a deep breath. He forced himself to think about nothing. The pain was back but it was a full ache. He could do it. Snoke was not there. He had found a way.
Ben harnessed his fears, his resentment and confront it. "They gave up on me. I gave up on them." He said out loud. He remembered the Jedi training and the code.
"There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
There is no chaos, there is harmony.
There is no death, there is the Force."
False, there was emotion. There was so much within him. There was anger, there was fear, there was love for them: for Leia, for Han, for Chewie. There was resentment for Luke. Regret for killing innocents, for the deaths of his knights. There was anger, a lot of it.
"I see you are ready my young disciple. You have understood the true ways. It was a mistake to go with Han Solo. You have a chance to redeem yourself Ren. Bring me Skywalker. Kill Organa and Solo and all will be forgiven." Snoke said
Ben could see his former master. "No. I have no intentions of going back. Kylo Ren is dead." Ben Solo replied openly.
The key was to accept that there was light as there was dark in him. Darkness could be useful to him. He only needed to learn and balance the light and darkness in him. "I am done with the First Order." Ben finished.
Snoke laughed, "So, you will go back to those who discarded you. Foolish boy." He said and manipulated his mind once more. There were those moments all that darkness. The fights. The lonely nights in the Jedi Temple. All those times where he cried for his mother and father.
Ben looked at them and felt pity for the boy but he remembered his mother's face when he came back. How she enveloped him. The kisses in his forehead when she thought he was drugged and asleep. His father insistence of staying by his side as he blasted music. Ben remembered tears for him. Han and Leia's faces when they said goodbye to him. His father's saddened face when he refused to go with him on the Falcon and chose the Jedi excursion.
"They want me now and that is enough." Ben said. "There is emotion and there is peace. They coexist." Ben said and cleared his mind. He thought of the Falcon's doors and the doors in their old quarters in Chandrila. Snoke was out.
Ben was sweaty and tired. The music kept playing. He moved his hand and it was out. He opened the doors and saw his parents' anxious faces and it was too much.
He could not hold their gaze. He would not cry; Ben felt his mouth move. "I blocked him."
Leia smiled; she rushed to him and hugged him. "You'll stay then."
Ben nodded. "We have to talk about that." He would not work with Skywalker.
"Later. You need to shower and eat." Leia said and kissed his cheek. "Come, I'll show you the quarters. You can have dinner with me and your father tonight." She said happily.
Ben nodded and followed her. "I need clothes; Dad's are old." Ben said.
His father laughed. "I am sure your mother has clothes for you already." He said with a smirk.
His quarters were four doors away from his parents'. Ben found that he was comfortable with the space. It was a simple room, a dresser, small fresher and a single bed. Ben stepped into the shower and washed away the tiredness. Ben let the cold water hit his face and body. He grabbed a towel and dried off. He looked inside the drawers and found clothes. He put on some black briefs and took a nap.
He slept easier than he had in years. He was sure the nightmares would soon begin. Ben woke up to an alarm. He stood up and dressed. His mother has stocked clothes in there, there was an assortment of pants, shirts and undershirts. Ben shrugged and put on black pants and a beige shirt. He combed his hair back and walked to his parents' quarters.
He smelled foods of his childhood. There was Alderaan stew and Corelian rice. His father set up the table. His mother came around with the stew and smiled at him. "Just in time." She said and hugged him. Ben tensed a bit and then sat down.
He ate carefully and smile almost threatened to escape him. "Your father and I thought about your position in the resistance." His mother broached the subject.
Ben tensed once more, "No one knows about you. They think you and I were estranged."
"Not untrue." He offered. His mother frowned, "well, the resistance is ready to have you participate. Your father has agreed to take his old post as a general. He will manage the fighter pilots and help with the strategic parts of our missions."
Ben nodded, "what will you have me do?"
His mother looked at his father, "Rey came back a few hours ago." Ben tensed. He would find the nearest ship and travel to the outer rim if his mother tasked him to work with Skywalker.
"It is not what you think." His father said immediately.
"Your uncle is refusing to join the fight." His mother said with sadness. "I had hoped that he would come to understand but alas I was mistaken."
Ben felt relieved. He would not have to face that yet. "What do you need?"
"You are the only one who has any trainings in the force." His mother said.
"I am not a Jedi." Ben ground out.
"Yet, you are not a Sith." His mother pointed out. "You have valuable training. I need you to train Rey. She has power; the force, it calls to her."
Ben knew that. "I tortured her. I doubt she will willingly let me train her." He replied easily.
"She is willing. She has raw power; the girl knows that. She had hoped that Luke would teach her the ways of the force but your uncle refused." His father finished.
The young man knew it was a mistake. "I do not have a lightsaber."
"You can build one." Leia replied. "Rey gave Luke his, so she is in need of one too. That will be your first mission." His mother said happily.
Ben shook his head. "She cannot just build a lightsaber. The girl needs years of training and knowledge in the force before she can hold a lightsaber."
"We are very pressed on time Ben." Leia said. "I do not want to force you on this but you know it in your heart. She is strong is the force. You are as well. She needs to learn."
"The crystals for the lightsabers, we have to get them as soon as possible." Ben said.
"You will take the Falcon." Han said. "Take Chewie too."
Ben agreed and then left for his quarters. He set the alarm for a few hours later. The scavenger and Uncle Chewie would be ready to go to a deserted planet that still held kyber crystals. Ben slept fitfully.
His mother and father said goodbye quickly. His mother hugged and kissed his forehead. "Be patient with her." His father hugged him too. "Remember women get locks on their doors." Ben frowned and said nothing.
He met her by the hangar. Finn and the pilot were there. He wondered if Dameron knew it was him who tortured him. He doubted it; but Finn knew and so did Rey. He passed them and nodded as he boarded the Falcon. Uncle Chewie sat by the co-pilot seat. He whined good morning and helped him into his seat. The girl hugged both Dameron and Finn and then boarded.
They were quiet the whole ride. It was two days before he put on the sound system. Chewie bopped along the song.
"It was the third of September
That day I'll always remember, yes I will
'Cause that was the day that my daddy died
I never got a chance to see him
Never heard nothin' but bad things about him
Momma I'm depending on you to tell me the truth
Momma just hung her head and said, son
Papa was a rolling stone
Wherever he laid his hat was his home
And when he died, all he left us was alone
Papa was a rolling stone (my son, yeah)
Wherever he laid his hat was his home
And when he died, all he left us was alone
Hey Momma!
Is it true what they say that Papa never worked a day in his life
And Momma, some bad talk goin' round town sayin' that
Papa had three outside children
And another wife, and that ain't right
Heard some talk Papa doing some storefront preachin'
Talking about saving souls and all the time leechin'
Dealing in dirt, and stealing in the name of the Lord
Momma just hung her head and said
Papa was a rolling stone (my son)
Wherever he laid his hat was his home
And when he died, all he left us was alone
Hey Papa was a rolling stone (dad gumma it)
Where ever he laid his hat was his home
And when he died, all he left us was alone
Hey Momma
I heard Papa called himself a jack-of-all-trades
Tell me is that what sent Papa to an early grave
Folks say Papa would beg, borrow, steal
To pay his bills
Hey Momma
Folks say Papa never was much on thinking
Spent most of his time chasing women and drinking
Momma I'm depending on you to tell me the truth
Momma looked up with a tear in her eye and said, son
Papa was a rolling stone (well, well, well, well)
Wherever he laid his hat was his home
And when he died, all he left us was alone (lone, lone, lone, alone)
Papa was a rolling stone
Wherever he laid his hat was his home
And when he died, all he left us was alone
Wherever he laid his hat was his home
And when he died, all he left us was alone
My daddy was
Papa was a rolling stone (yes he was, yeah)
Wherever he laid his hat was his home)"
Ben remembered singing that song a long time ago. Han Solo loved music. He played on the Falcon all the time. Ben remembered that his father collected all that music and then put it in the systems. The sounds were very different from one another. Ben had learned all of the songs. His father had a very large collection. The music and lyrics came in handy when dealing with Snoke's voice in his head. Blessedly, he had not heard the First Order's Supreme Leader again. Ben played more songs and mouthed them under his breath.
The scavenger girl looked at him the third day. "Turn it off. I need to talk to you." The girl said after "People are Strange" came on.
Ben did so and turned to her, "Yes." He said as he continued piloting.
"Let Chewie pilot." She said and turned his chair. Ben frowned but did so.
They went to the small area where his father served meals. "What is it?" He said quickly.
The scavenger girl looked at him warily, "I don't like you." She said clearly, there was disgust and fear. Ben had used the force on her after all. It had not been pleasant. He also had a run with her pilot friend.
Ben would be honest. He did not like the girl either. She had no part in this story and yet his grandfather's saber had called to her. "I do not like you either." He snarled at her.
The girl frowned, "Master Skywalker told me everything." She said harshly.
"He did, did he?" Ben said with a hint of irony.
"You killed them, little kids. You have tortured and killed so many people." The scavenger said reproachfully.
"The resistance has killed as many people. How many did you help kill in Starkiller base?" He retorted. It would not do for her to think herself so mighty and pure.
She frowned at him. "You are a monster and now you were smart enough to change sides. You are so lucky you have good parents. You do not deserve them."
Ben arched an eyebrow, "I may not but that is none of your concern. You have no part in our history nor have any right to judge our relationship. You are an outsider." He said clearly. He was angry with her.
She looked struck as if he physically hit her. Ben regretted his rashness; an apology began to form in his mouth when the girl spoke once more. "You are just a selfish man, you had people who cared about you and you squandered it away. They still love you and care for you. I despise you." Such fire, such passion.
Ben looked at her and felt himself react with anger. His mother tasked him with teaching her. He did not know if he could. He may create a bigger monster. "Has my mother spoken with you about your training?" Ben said softly.
"I told her I would. It does not mean I like you. I can barely look at your face." She spat angrily.
Ben was confused, "My mother gave me the unpleasant task of teaching you. I fail to see how I could teach you if you hate me so."
Ben laughed, it was utterly stupid; "you agreed."
The girl nodded defiantly, "you are the only one who can teach me. You are a last resort type of thing."
"The prospect of teaching you is not exactly appealing either." Ben reacted accordingly.
The girl nodded. "We are clear then."
"Crystal." He replied.
They landed after two days. Ben played his music as loud as he could; thinking that it would annoy the scavenger.
Uncle Chewie whined along some songs. Ben laughed when he told him about some of his adventures. Ben was touched when uncle Chewie ruffled his hair roughly.
He stood up and knocked on the girl's door. "We've landed."
The girl nodded and walked with him, "Chewie is staying back. Make sure to take your supplies. The mine is a day away walking."
She nodded and came back with a bag pack. Ben set an unforgiving pace. He knew his way around the deserted planet.
His strides were longer than hers but the girl was though. She did it complain and was quiet.
"We are resting here for the night." He said and unpacked.
The girl was out of breath. "We can still walk a bit more."
Ben picked up some crystals nearby, "We are starting our lesson."
The girl opened her eyes and remained quiet. Ben sat down and motioned for her to sit down as well. "These are Kyber crystals. They are the heart of the lightsabers. The Empire plundered the mines years ago but this one survived."
Ben said and then pointed at the one he held on his hand, "Kyber is the force of the lightsabers, they are fire resistant, water resistant and channel energy from the force. They are colorless in their natural state."
"They become colored according to the user's allegiance. Red for the dark force and blue for the light." The girl supplied while still looking at the crystals.
"Yes, but you do not have all the information yet. You are correct about the colors but there are more colors. It all depends on the Jedi's chosen class. Blue is for a Jedi guardian. They are for those who use the force on a physical level. Green is for the Jedi consular, those who prefer to reflect on the mysteries of the force and fight the dark side at heart. Skywalker spoke of Jedi using different colors, greenish yellow and the like. The lightsaber you gave to Skywalker was my grandfather's and it was blue if you remember." Ben finished.
The scavenger was an attentive student. He would give her that. She also had a mechanical mind it seemed. She understood the principles of building the pommel and converting the plasma quickly.
"We will build the handle tomorrow morning after breakfast." He said.
Ben looked at the girl once more and thought about her knowledge of the force. It occurred to him that she did not know much.
"What do you understand of the force?" He asked her.
The girl blinked at him almost owlishly, "well you play Jedi tricks and lift rocks."
Ben frowned, "No. The force is all around here. It is power, life, death, peace."
Rey frowned back. "I have some books." She unpacked and showed him.
"These are ancient Jedi texts." Ben said reverently as he touched them. "Read them. We will talk about them when we get back to base."
Rey nodded. "Good night." She said and turned to unpack her sleeping bag.
"Breathing exercises. Clear your mind. There could only be serenity." He said as he unpacked his bag as well.
Ben followed his teachings and emptied his mind. He woke up to the girl making noise. "The sun rose ten minutes ago."
Ben was not a morning person. He stood up and readied for the day without speaking a word. He wished for some caf. The man led the way to a clearing to start working on the handles.
Ben set out to build his and guide the scavenger. He was satisfied when the girl learned quickly. He pointed to a small space at the center of the pommel. "That's where your crystal will be."
She nodded. "Why does your handle have two outlets on the side?"
"The last time I made a lightsaber, the crystal cracked and the blade was very unstable. The side outlets let that power out." Ben explained.
"Will my lightsaber be unstable? Should I prepare for my crystal to be cracked?" The girl asked quickly.
Ben shook his head, "I do not think so. There is very little imbalance in you." He always sensed light from her. Bright, blinding light.
They went deep into the caves. "The best crystals are deeper. Any crystal would do but the ones deeper are more resistant I think." Ben was mostly speaking to himself. The scavenger kept up but was out of breath as they started to chip away the crystals. It was hot. Ben removed his shirt and remained with his undershirt. He picked at a large piece of crystal and worked on it.
The scavenger girl worked on hers as well. "Do you have your piece?"
"Yes." She replied as she looked at it and smiled. "It called to me."
Ben nodded, "well work on them once we get to the camp." He put on his shirt and walked back to their makeshift camp.
Ben worked on his crystal silently. The scavenger girl called out. "I am ready." She said brightly.
"Good, now place it." He said as he overlooked her work. The girl closed the handle and sealed it.
Ben looked attentively at her work. She was quick, efficient and seemed to calculate her movements precisely. "Move back." He said.
The girl obeyed. "Farther." He said.
"Call it with the force." He said.
The girl nodded and stretched out her hand. "Concentrate." Ben said quickly, almost impatiently. He knew the girl could do it. She'd done it before in Takodana.
The scavenger glared and groaned. Suddenly the saber zoomed to her hand and hummed to life. It was a blue; of course, the girl was destined to fight.
Rey smiled brightly. "I did it." She said happily. Ben nodded. "You did. Now you have to learn how to use it. We will begin your formal training once we reach the resistance base."
Rey smiled big once more. It seemed she could not stop doing so. Ben felt the corners of his mouth try to lift up as well. He controlled himself and went back to working on his saber. Ben immersed himself on working the Kyber into the space. He smiled once the Kyber cracked. It was to be expected.
Ben moved away from the new saber and moved to where the girl had been. He opened his hand and the saber came to him. Ben ignited it and was surprised. It was a violet color, strong and violent. The lightsaber remained a cross guard. Ben knew it would. He swung it for balance and it was perfect.
"Is it supposed to be purple?" She asked.
Ben was mesmerized by the color. "I don't know but I like it." He said simply. The girl nodded.