A/N:Hello all you beautiful people :D Yeah, despite the happy face, I'm actually in a pretty crappy mood right now. But knowing that someone is going to be reading this next chapter, makes me happy! So yay for updating. Won't keep you long, just a few warnings. This chapter is ridiculously sad (compared to the rest of the story). I literally had to check and make sure that one of the genres I put was not comedy, because there is nothing funny about this. Sorry to give you guys a Debbie Downer chapter, but it was necessary so you guys know what's going on. Let's just say Roxas has a sad past. And it's catching up with him. Well here we go~
For the sake of giving space (because I know I was crying when I finished this chapter), I won't be leaving any A/N's at the end of this chapter, so I'm going to put it here. I really think you should listen to the song towards the end of the chapter. Either before, during, or after it comes up. It's really beautiful, it's called "Give Me a Sign" by Breaking Benjamin (I was trying not to repeat bands, but screw it. This song is beautiful.) Look forward to more! (Which I will try to do soon, don't want to leave people all sad and stuff.) And I know the chapter is kind of long, and this AN is even longer (lol jk), but please don't give up on me. Well, enjoy~
Roxas POV
"I'm so sorry!"
I looked down at the person who just apologized for me bumping into her.
Strange girl, I thought.
She frantically gathered her books which scattered when we collided. People walked by, over and even on them as they went about their way through the school hallways.
"Hey!" I shouted. Everyone stopped, even the girl who looked near to tears. "Can't you see the books on the floor? If you're not going to help then at least stay out of the way." Glaring at the passerby's, they quickly made their way around the mess.
The girl stopped collecting her books and stared at me with wide eyes and a blank face. I upturned my eyebrow, causing her to shrink back and return to her belongings. I sighed and picked up a few straggling ones that somehow managed to slide halfway down the hall.
"Here." I handed her a stack and she took them, never making eye-contact. She squeaked her thanks and began to wobble her way back down where she was going to. The library, I presumed. Sighing at the disaster waiting to happen with this chick, I quickly caught up to her staggering figure. "Need a hand?"
She jumped slightly at my presence, and looked back down at the ground. "Oh, no, no. I wouldn't want to trouble you anymore than I have."
I grabbed some books from her anyway. "With the way you're going, you'll end up just falling again. This saves me the trouble." Without waiting for approval, I made my way to the library. I could hear her light footsteps following behind me.
Once there, I put them on the nearest table. "Is there good?"
She nods quickly. "There's plenty. Thank you so much!" Finally, I could see her face since she wasn't looking down anymore. She's got really big blue eyes, and short, thin black hair that seems to fall into place no matter which way she shook her head. She was smiling.
"I'm Roxas, by the way."
"Nice to meet you! I'm Xion."
...
This…this can't be happening right now. I thought I told her not to come to my school.
"Roxas…" she says faintly. I can already feel the blood draining from my face. "I'm sorry, I-"
"Never mind!" I say quickly. I really don't need her saying anything right now, especially in front of AXEL OH MY GOD HE'S STILL HERE. Of course he's still here, idiot, you were just having a conversation with him before she popped up and everything else fell away.
Okay, that made it sound like I'm happy to see her. Which I'm not. AT ALL. Not that I'm angry, but I'm definitely not happy.
This shit is so fucked up.
"Axel, I'm sorry, can we continue our talk another time?" I ask. He's looking between the two of us, most probably confused.
"Sure," he agrees for some reason. Because really, if I were him, I'd be demanding to know who this chick is and what the hell kind of relationship she had with Axel. And why the fuck she was taking precedence over me, his boyfriend. But then again, that's me.
Axel leans down, bringing me from my thoughts, and I can feel myself tense. The reflex to right-hook him in the face is almost too much for me to hold back. I told him no PDA. Especially not in front of…her.
But he stops a respectable six inches from my face and I almost sag in relief. "I trust you, remember? And you promised me you'd tell me everything, so I'm just waiting for the green light."
Once again. Greatest boyfriend ever.
"Thank you Axel, I promise to keep my promise."
"I'll hold you to that," he chuckles. With a wave, he leaves us to our privacy.
"Roxas, I-"
"Not now," I say abruptly. Grabbing her by the arm, I drag her away from my school. We walk in silence to a park that's in the neighborhood. I point her to the swing set and she nods her head, looking at the ground. Great, this again.
After sitting, I kick up some sand with the heel of my boot. If she thinks I'm going to start every conversation she's got another thing coming.
"Roxas, I'm so sorry."
Dammit, I hate when she starts with that!
"Look, its fine, but please don't come to my school again. I told you how I felt about that." I look over at her and she's sitting completely still.
"I know. I'm sorry, I just…I…" Swiftly bringing her hands to her face, she quietly sobs. Oh jeez. I reach over and pat her back a few times until she calms down.
"I already told you its fine. I'm not mad." I smile just to prove it. She chuckles at that. "But what's wrong Xion?" The smile fades form her face and she goes back to investigating the ground. "You don't…do you feel…?" She shakes her head and I sigh in relief. Didn't want to deal with that again after what happened Saturday. "So what is it?"
She finally allows herself to swing back and forth, albeit as slow as a toddler who doesn't actually know how to swing. "I don't know, I just…I know I'm a bother, and I just keep burdening you with my problems… But I can't help but get sad about it all, about my dad, my…mom…and just…it makes me really upset, and the only person who's ever made me feel better…was you." She looks up. I can see the torment behind those glassy orbs, and I feel horrible, just like I always do.
"But Xion, what could I possibly do?" I question.
"You being there for me…talking with me…you don't know how much it helps. Thank you." Her sweet smile reminds me of the old days. She always smiles when she's thankful.
…
I stopped by again, just to make sure she wasn't causing another commotion. And sure enough, I heard her squeal as she tripped past a book cart, knocking the whole thing down in a clatter. Oh jeez.
"Is there ever going to be a day I come in here when you're not making a mess Xion?" She's once again startled by me, and jumps into a sitting position. Am I scaring her? Maybe I needed to where a bell or something so she knows when I'm coming. But then again, this is the library, I probably shouldn't be making all that much noise.
"Roxas!" A few people in the library glanced over angrily at her loud voice. "Ah, sorry," she whispered back.
"Need a hand?" I picked up the cart and started stacking books on them.
"Thanks," she said, following my lead. She paused before putting any on.
"What?" I asked.
"Oh, I was just surprised. You're putting them in order of the Dewey Decimal system."
"Did…you want them some other way?"
"No, no! This is fine. I hadn't expected it. Thank you so much!" She smiled as she put the books on and gathered the rest.
"What, didn't think I'd know it?" At her horrified expression and to stop the no question onslaught of apologies, I continued. "My mom's been grilling it into me and my brother since we could read. Fun times."
Confused but pleased that I'm not offended, she finished stacking them on the cart, and I helped her off the floor. She blushed furiously, at what I assumed was embarrassment. "Thank you again. I seem to always be causing trouble."
"No problem. You usually thank me, and it's the only time I get to see your smile."
The color in her already flushed cheeks only seemed to deepen at my statement.
...
"I'm sure I'm not as helpful as you think I am," I say. I pick up speed till I'm swinging at a decent height.
"No Roxas. You really are amazing. Always have been. Always will." I was a little worried about that last remark, but I brush it off. Maybe there will be a day when Xion will be alright without me around. Or maybe she'll find someone who cares for her in that way again.
…
I'd been curious about it the whole time, but someone as cute as her should have a boyfriend at this point in their life. I mean, granted we were still in middle school, but I'd been hoping to explore. At the moment I was very confused with my sexuality. And Auntie shoving her "God hates Gays" idealism down my throat every time me and Sora went to visit was not helping. I mean, I didn't know if I was gay. I didn't know if I was straight. The only thing I knew at this moment in life was that I loved rock music, and I wanted a guitar for Christmas. Yup.
"Xion, are you going out with anyone?" I asked randomly one day we were hanging out after she finished her library duties.
She stuttered and blushed redder than an octopus, and eventually came out with a no. "W-why do y-you ask?"
"Hm? Oh, curiousity. I mean, you're so cute, I don't understand why you're single."
She glanced at me before looking back to the floor. "Well, it is just our second year of middle school."
"Details, details." That earned me a chuckle. We continued on our way to the ice-cream shop. I ordered a double sea-salt scoop in a waffle cone. I swear, I could've lived off the stuff, I ingested it by the bucket. If mom ever knew this was where half my allowance was going, she'd have a non-diabetes induced heart attack. She only ever fed us the perfect square meals, even packed us our lunch, like in elementary school. I'm going to have to put that to a stop when I get to high school, it would be too embarrassing.
"So uh, Roxas," Xion said nervously as we sat in the parlor. "A-are you going out with anyone?"
"Not at the moment." I was going to say because I was confused, but decided to keep that to myself. It was embarrassing enough. She hummed softly as we (or at least I) devoured my tasty treat.
That weekend she asked me out to go to a fireworks festival with her. Which surprised me because Xion was not one to take the initiative. Glad to see her stepping to the plate, I got dressed up and went to meet her. On the way over, my thoughts seemed to drift to thinking about her. I had a feeling she liked me. I…didn't know how I felt about that. Assuming I was right, I'm flattered, if I'm wrong, I'm a narcissistic idiot. I noticed her small attempts to touch me "accidentally", the way she blushed when I provoked her, and how I seemed to be the only person she talked to. Okay, maybe the latter had less to do with me. She had told me that she had trouble making friends, and how hard it was to get on with her class. Poor thing. I could kind of understand how she felt. Sora always seemed to be the center of group attractions. I'd been invited but declined, I liked my personal space. I guess that was a difference between Xion and I. My isolationism was by choice, while she desired to be accepted by others.
I was brought out of my thoughts from the increase of people in my vicinity. I must've been near the show. Xion said she wanted to meet at the entrance to the gate, so I'd better-
"Roxas!" I turned at my name and saw…wow, Xion was looking good. She had on a light-pink dress with white polka-dots with a white sleeveless cashmere sweater that tied loosely in the front. With strappy sandals and a few accessories, she was looking pretty damn cute.
"Hey Xion. You look really pretty." I just had to say. 'If someone's pretty you should tell them' was one useful thing mom taught me.
And boy did it harbor results. Xion's face lit up as red as a candy apple. Ooh, speaking of candy apples. "You ready to explore?"
She nodded vehemently, making me chuckle at her enthusiasm. I felt like it had less to do with the festival, and more to do with just us together. But then again. Narcissistic idiot.
Eventually she decided to open back up to me, and we started talking while looking around at the stalls. We basically checked everything out, even played a few games. I won her this really cool charm that had different colored seashells attached to it. I saw her staring at it, and took a chance on the shooting game. She beamed when I won it and thanked me profusely when I gave it to her.
After we had our fill of food and games, we went to sit on a bench in a nice spot to wait for the fireworks to start.
"Thank you for coming with me today Roxas."
"I already told you that there's no need for thanks. I wanted to come. If I didn't, I wouldn't have, right?" I nudged her with my shoulder and she giggled.
"Right. I'd asked my cousin too, since she's visiting for the weekend, but she said no."
"Oh. Glad I made your list then," I joke, but she seemed to take it seriously.
"No, no! It's not like you were second! My cousin was just a backup in case…" she trailed off. I could see the tint in her cheeks as she looked at her hands in her lap.
"In case what? I said no?" I asked. She nodded her head, still not looking up. "Xion, I already told you-"
"It's not that!" she said suddenly. "It's not that."
I grabbed her chin and forced her to look at me. "Then what is it?"
Of course, on clichéd cue, the fireworks began going off. It lit up Xion's face in tints of purples and greens.
"Roxas I really like you and was wondering if you'd like to go out together!" she said so quickly I couldn't understand her. The boom of the fireworks wasn't helping either.
"What?" I say, pointing to my ear.
She thinks about it for a minute, and I was sure that she was going to not tell me. But she scooted closer to me and cupped her hands around my ear and whispered. Oh…OH.
Well. So I wasn't being a narcissistic idiot.
"Xi-"
"Aaah, its fine! There's no need to answer me right now! Just forget it! Its fine, I'm just, aaah," she stuttered and bumbled.
I was kind of scared she was going to spontaneously combust. She quickly stood up, startling me.
"I'm just going to go," she mumbles.
Oh no she doesn't.
I only gave her enough time to turn away before I got a hold on her wrist.
"Xion-"
"Please Roxas! I know that you don't like me, its fine, I understand. I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm so-"
I pull her close to me and cover her mouth with my own. That shut her up for a moment.
When I pulled back she was looking at me with wide tear-filled eyes. I chuckled. "Xion, you have got to stop running away when you're scared. And you've got to let me finish my sentences.
"What?" she said in absolute confusion of the situation.
I had been thinking about it for a while, and her confessing to me had finally made me come to my decision. "I like you too, Xion. I'd love to go out with you."
Her face slowly relaxed and she finally smiled. She jumped into my arms and cried onto my shoulder. "Man Xion, you're such a crybaby."
"I know," she giggled, wiping her eyes. "I won't cry anymore. Thank you Roxas. I like you. Thank you."
…
I still felt horrible about the whole thing. But I shake it off and hop off the swings.
"Well, are you feeling better now?" I ask her once I land.
"Yes, much," she replied, wiping her eyes. "Sorry again for coming to your school. You weren't answering your phone, so I thought something might have happened."
"Trust me, I'm fine." As fine as I can be right now. "I can't really just pull out my phone in the middle of class. Especially since I'm an honors student." Besides the fact that I was avoiding answering her texts and calls. Call me a jerk if you will.
"And I interrupted you and your friend," she apologized.
Right. Axel. What am I going to do? I was supposed to tell him everything way before any of this happened. I'm such a terrible boyfriend…
"Wait, what?" Xion said. I looked at her face and it was filled with shock. Crap. Had I just thought that out loud? Well. Cat's out of the bag now.
"Yes Xion. That guy you saw before was my boyfriend. I'm gay. You should know this already," I kind of snapped at her.
"I-I know what you are Roxas," she said, slightly taken aback.
"Oh. Well that's good. I'm glad we don't have to go through that again." She stiffens at what I said. I know she knows what I'm talking about. "Because I already went through enough of that with my family. And now, after all the dust and rubble has cleared, I finally find some happiness, someone who really likes me for me. And he thinks I'm breaking up with him. Because I'm sneaking around, and talking to you."
"Well I'm sorry!" she says ferociously, standing up from the swing. "You pretend like it's my fault that you're gay!"
"I never said it was!"
"And if I'm such a heavy burden then you don't have to do any of this! I'm not forcing you!"
Oh that's fucking rich.
"He's not the only person who likes you for you Roxas! You're not as alone as you want to think you are!"
Wait…what?
"What the hell are you talking about?" I ask, getting closer to her.
"I always liked you for you Roxas! I'm in love with you!" She gasps after saying that and covers her mouth.
"I already know that you loved me Xion. But that was in the-wait. Did you say 'love'? As in present tense?"
She doesn't agree. But she doesn't disagree either. "Xion."
"Yes, okay! I still love you. I thought you knew this!" she yells at me, as if I'm in the wrong. How the hell was I supposed to know any of this? She just came back into town Friday afternoon!
"Once again. I have a boyfriend. And you and I broke up a long time ago Xion…" I point out.
"That doesn't mean my feelings for you will automatically change!" she shouts. Man, when she was upset, she got really loud.
I sigh and go to lean against the gate that's around the swing sets. How. How did I get into this mess?
Oh right. I agreed to go out with her, even though I wasn't in love with her while confused about my sexuality. …It seemed like a good idea at the time?
"I'm sorry Xion."
"There's nothing to apologize for," she sighs. But there is. That's what she doesn't understand.
"No Xion, it's more than that. I-"
"Forget it Roxas. I'm just gonna go home for today. Sorry again for dropping by your school. It won't happen again." With that, she glided past me. We glanced at each other before turning away.
Why do I have to go through this?
I walk home and slam the door as I go in. Hoping that no one will stop me on my way to my room.
"Roxas honey, welcome home. Please try not to slam the front door," my mom says, coming out from the kitchen.
Of course. A perfect end, to a perfect fucking day.
"Sorry mom," I say and continue to go upstairs.
"What's wrong honey?" she asks me.
"Nothing." So close to my room, just a few more stairs, and five steps and I'm home free.
"Honey, come here. Talk to your mother."
God. Damn it.
I trudge back down the steps to where my mother went to sit in the living room. She pats the seat next to her where I slump down.
"Honey, sit up. That's terrible posture for your back." Sighing I scoot up so my back isn't bent. "Now tell mommy what's wrong. Bad day?"
You have no idea. "Something like that," I mutter.
"Speak up honey, I can't hear you," she says softly.
I don't know what it was? Maybe the lack of sleep since Friday, the overwhelming stress of dealing with Xion, and my lack of Axel in the past FOUR DAYS.
But enough. Was enough.
"No mom. I just had a really bad day. I've spent the whole day doing schoolwork in the honors office. I haven't slept for a straight five hours in days."
"Does that have to do with Xion staying over Friday afternoon? She didn't want to go home that night, the poor dear. And you two used to be together, remember? So it was our duty to help her if she had a need. If her sleeping over was bothering you, you should have said something, honey."
"How could I have?! Even if I had said 'I don't want her here', you would have just asked me why, called me rude and have her stay anyway!"
"Roxas, there is no need to yell," she said a little sternly. I know she was a bit peeved because she called me by my name.
"I'm not-! Trying to! I'm just so frustrated! With this, and her, and Axel, and-"
"Who's Axel?" she interrupts.
"Ah, no one. But the point here is-"
"Wait no, who is Axel?"
"It doesn't matter!"
"It does and I'm curious."
"Would you listen to me for once?!"
"I always listen! And I don't like this tone that you're taking with me. Now, you've had an attitude, you're secrets, and you won't talk to me!" she semi-yells. My mother was not a yeller.
"Fine! Fine, you wanna know my secrets? You wanna know who Axel is? He's my boyfriend. That's right, I said it. My boyfriend. And I have an 'attitude' because ever since Xion came back to town, you and everyone is expecting me to cater to Xion's wants and needs so she can be happy! Did you know that she's depressed? Huh? Or that she's suicidal? I literally had to go running to her Saturday because she threatened to jump off the bridge at Maple Street. I care for Xion. I really do. But she has a clinical problem that I cannot handle on my own. It's driving me to insanity, as if I'm going to break. To the point that I'm snapping at her, and you and even my own boyfriend! This whole mess is killing me!" I pant heavily once I'm out of things to scream. My mother looks at me with wide eyes. I can'tt read her face, it's just…blank. Oh no. I think I broke mom.
"Roxas…" she says after a few minutes had passed. I look her in the eyes. "Roxas, you have a boyfriend?"
"Oh. Well, I'm glad you at least got that from my entire speech. This is exactly what I mean by you don't lis-"
"A boyfriend…" she says quietly.
"Yes mom. I'm gay." Why did I need to keep reminding people of that today?
"Yes. Yes, you're…it's okay. It's fine, because…we're still family, you're still my son, we're still family," she chants mostly to herself.
What was wrong? I mean, sure my mom was weird, but this was a whole another level. The only other time I had seen this happen was…
Oh no.
"Mom. MOM," I call quickly, grabbing her arms.
"Honey, what's wrong? That's right, I have to make sure you're okay, that you're always safe, because you're my son, you're my baby boy," she coos, holding my face.
"…that's right mom. I'm you're baby boy."
"Where's my other baby?" she asks worriedly, looking around.
"He's going to be home soon," I say. Before she gets any more worried I add, "I know because I can sense him."
"Twin telepathy?" she says softly.
"Yup. He says he'll be home before you know it."
Mom chuckles and gently caresses my cheek. "That's so cute. I just get worried, you know? I love you two so much."
"I love you too mom," I try and say without my voice cracking. "Why don't you get some rest, yeah?" I turn her towards the hallway and guide her gently to her room. While she's turned away, I wipe the stray tear from my cheek.
"Yes, that sounds good. Honey," she calls before I open her door.
"Yes mom?"
"I love you. And I know who you are, and that's okay. It's okay, I love you as you are," she says gently, kissing me on the cheek. It takes everything in my power to hold back my tears.
I nod, afraid my voice will crack if I say anything. She smiles one last time before going in her room to sleep. I run upstairs and have to pause before slamming my door. Shutting and locking it, I turn and grab my guitar from the stand. I don't know any other way to express myself right now without losing my mind. Without bothering to tune it, I just start playing the first song that comes to mind.
Dead star shine
Light up the sky
I'm all out of breath
My walls are closing in
Days go by
Give me a sign
Come back to the end
The shepherd of the damned
Chorus:
I can feel you falling away
No longer the lost
No longer the same
And I can see you starting to break
I'll keep you alive
If you show me the way
Forever - and ever
The scars will remain
I'm falling apart
Leave me here forever in the dark
Verse:
Daylight dies
Blackout the sky
Does anyone care?
Is anybody there?
Take this life
Empty inside
I'm already dead
I'll rise to fall again
Chorus
God help me I've come undone
Out of the light of the sun
God help me I've come undone
Out of the light of the sun
Chorus
Give me a sign
There's something buried in the words
Give me a sign
Your tears are adding to the flood
Just give me a sign
There's something buried in the words
Give me a sign
Your tears are adding to the flood
Forever - and ever
The scars will remain
By the end I was screaming in tears.