Chapter Eleven – The Fear of Lost
My mouth is slightly open after I say her name – I still can't believe she's here. She shows me her tongue. "When I saw you up there I thought you were different, you know, as you're dressed in black and have all those tattoos, but, no. You still the exact same, Isabelle." She shakes her head as if she was disappointed. "Can't you just give me a hug?" She asks as she opens her arms to me. I immediately put my arms around the only person I have ever hugged before I changed factions. I see Emmett concerned when he sees my pain expression, as she puts pressure on my back. So I simply laugh back, not because she's right, but because she has no idea how much I changed since I came here. And how much her brother changed as well.
"Now tell me what you're doing here!" I say, as I let her go. "Isn't it your Visitor's Day too?" She sighs again and looks down. Even though I'm not Candor anymore I still recognize the sign – it means a lie is coming. But then she looks up again, which confuses me. She's probably just tired. "Well, who did you expect to visit me on Candor?" She asks.
"I don't know, I guess some boy." I shrug, pretending the pain in my back doesn't exist. Kate used to have a lot of guys wanting to date her. She actually kissed a few, but she said she didn't really like them so she never had anything serious.
"Well, good that you mention guys." She says; her brown eyes showing excitement. "I think you have a boy interested in you!" I feel myself blush and strain not to exchange a look with Emmett. "What are you talking about?" I say, too fast – another sign that means I'm lying, or not completely telling the truth. Weirdly, she doesn't notice it, as she doesn't say anything – so not typical of Kate. She puts her arm around me, and makes me turn around on my feet. "Blonde guy, Dauntless parents, a sister, eleven o'clock." I laugh, Lara used to pair me with every cute guy back in school, so I'm used to this. I follow her directions and I'm surprised to find Owen. I have to admit that it fascinates me how he can keep his look steady, as he just got caught. He even smiles at us. "He's been staring at us since you two got here! And he's really cute!" She smiles back at him and turns me around again, to look at her. In the exact moment she lets me go I feel another hand in my back. Emmett. He's discreetly pulling me closer to him.
"We're just friends." I say, making sure both Emmett and Kate understand me. "He's probably delighted by how pretty you are." The last thing I want is Kate to make her brother believe that Owen is in love with me, or worse, that I might like him back. Best thing to do is change subject. "And you still didn't tell me how you got here!" I insist. She sighs for the third time – which is starting to annoy me -, and then explains everything too fast, just like I did. Is it possible that Kate is trying to lie? Or really lying? She never did it before, why would she do it now? If they find that out back in Candor she won't pass her initiation.
"Well, the baby is born and mom couldn't come. Plus dad works during the week, so he decided to stay with mom and the baby; so I decided to ask for a special authorization to come here, as I see my parents every day. And they let me." She makes a pause to breathe. "See, it's as simple as that." She shrugs as she says this, but my eyes catch something else behind her. A male tall figure running in the dark corridor that leads to the train station. Why is Four sneaking out when he's allowed to go out whenever he wants?
I noticed that both Emmett and Kate are staring at me, waiting for me to say something. I totally forgot what we were talking about and it's a surprise when I feel Emmett's hand in my back, but then I remember why he put it there. "C'mon let's make you a guided tour." I say, trying to follow Four. Emmett stops me. "Hmm, I don't think we can do that, Is." "Why not?" ask, pretty sure he didn't see Four. Why is he stopping me? But before he can answer Kate interrupts him and squints, looking at Emmett, then at me and then back at Emmett.
"Is?!" I feel myself blush – she thinks it's a special name Emmett gave me. "That's what everyone calls me here. It's like a nickname. Isabelle is too Candor." "I disagree. Isabelle sounds like a legend's name." Emmett says and I feel myself blush - again -, so I smile to hide it. I never thought being with someone that knew both me and Emmett before we changed factions would make me blush this much. Kate immediately starts a discussion of how names have nothing to do with factions, but people insist that it does, which makes us stay in the Pit for the next forty minutes. All of the chances I had to follow Four are gone by now, but I keep my eyes opened anyway.
After their discussion the visitors from other factions have to leave, though the ones from Dauntless can stay, as it's their own faction. But as Owen and Lauren's parents left already, they join us while we're helping Kate climbing towards the exit of the Dauntless headquarters. "Have you guys seen Four?" Lauren asks. "We need to calculate your classifications, but I haven't seen him a while." I look at Emmett to see if he actually saw something, but he's shaking his head. I follow his example, trying not to compromise Four. Meanwhile I notice that Owen and Kate are talking a lot as he helps her climbing. I move faster to catch up with them.
"So you're saying that getting a serum that doesn't aloud you to lie is worse than being beaten by your friends during a week?" She nods. "You have no idea of the humiliation it causes to you if you tell all your secrets to everyone in your faction." "Well, at least it's not painful, is it?" "No it's not." Emmett says, cutting him off. He obviously still has problems with Owen. Making sure Kate isn't staring at us I take Emmett's hand, to calm him down. His sister is old enough to flirt if she wants to. He looks back at me, sort of mad and I roll my eyes. "Well, this is it." Owen says. Kate thanks him and then turns to hug us. "We'll see each other again, won't we?" She looks at us expectant and I don't know what to say. I can't promise Kate I'll be able to visit her and neither can Emmett. "Of course." For the surprise of us all is Owen who answers. I think Kate is going to cry when she hears Owen's words, but fortunately Lauren saves us. "Sorry to interrupt my show-off brother but you have to go. I'll walk you outside to see if there's any sign of Four."
I want to go with Lauren, but I can't tell her my reasons, so I let them leave the headquarters. I'm then left with the tension between Emmett and Owen. "I think it's time for you to take your medicine." I say, as I turn to Emmett, feeling bad by nearly ignoring Owen. "Medicine?" He asks, confused. I look at him, suspicious. "Yeah… The pills we got for you in the hospital…" He's eyes illuminate and I know he remembered. "Oh. Yeah. Sorry. I didn't see all of this coming and I think I'm a little off now." He pulls me closer to him. "But you're right, we should go." "You're coming Owen?" I ask, before Emmett can drag me with him. He immediately stops pulling me and let go of my hand. I sigh. It's been a long day and I don't have patience to deal with "jealous Emmett" right now. "I'll walk you to the Pit, and then I think I'm going to look for Maeve."
The walk until the Pit is made in a mortal silence, but once Owen leaves us Emmett starts talking. "What do you think she's hiding?" He asks, concerned. "I don't know." I say, shaking my head. "I just hope whatever it is, she's not hiding it from people back at Candor too. If we can tell, they can tell even if she's quiet." We enter the dorm and see that everyone but Ethan and Lara is there already. They look at us, but don't make that big of a deal. Emmett takes his pills and our pajamas and drives us to the man's bathroom. Once we get there he takes the pills with the water from the sink and then starts changing to his "pajama" which is basically some black shorts.
"You're not going to change?" He asks when he's done, offering me my pajamas. I panic – I can't change clothes in front of him! "Hmm- No, I'm good." I say, failing on my try to keep a monotone tone of voice. Emmett bites his lips, but I can see a smile. "Do you want me to turn around?" He asks. "Yeah, right, because you don't even have a mirror behind you or anything." I laugh. "Alright. Bad move." He puts my pajamas in a dry sink. "I'll go outside then, so that you can change." He turns to the door, but I stop him, taking his hand. This little touch sets a new fire in my veins, as if spending the whole noon hiding the fact that I need his touch, was far too painful. We stand still for a while and I try to deal with this unrecognizable and stronger fire. That's when I notice his red eyes – he's trying to contain his tears.
"Emmett…" And that's when he breaks into tears; not caring if I'm watching and not caring that someone might come in and see him. "I missed her so much. All of them." He says. "And the baby… I'm a horrible person. How could I leave my family when the baby was about to be born? Worse. How can I be okay with it? How is it that I don't regret choosing Dauntless?" I've never seen Emmett like this and I don't know what to do, so I take his hand and drive him to the hall, because that's where I feel safe – when I'm surrounded by the darkness. "Shh..." I say, as I lean against his chest and lace my hand on his hair. "It'll all be over soon and then you can visit them. I promise." He puts his fingers in my chin to make me look up, and I find his eyes looking into mine.
"Promise you'll come with me." He demands. I pinch my lips at first. I don't want to go back – that place scares me. But how can I say no to him when he's in such a fragile mood? And will I be able to break my promise then? I don't think I will, but I still say it. "I promise." He presses me against his chest, making the temperature of the fire inside me rise. He cries for a while, and I try to comfort him but I'm not really good at it, so I just make pressure against his chest and even kiss him in the neck sometimes, which I find very brave of me.
He finally stops crying. "Sorry for losing control, I-" I don't know why but that's when I remember Four. I press my lips against his neck one last time and then I let go of him. He stares at me as I run across the hall. "Go to bed. I'll be there when you wake up. I need to go to the hospital!" I look at him for a second, memorizing his blue eyes, as I've never seen – as this was the first time I saw him crying – before I get lost in the dark. But I'm not running towards the hospital, I'm running towards the Pit. If Four hasn't arrived yet he'll have to pass through there to get to wherever his room his – how come I never asked him that before?!
I think about quitting my waiting at least three times, but I convince myself that the fact that anyone hasn't seen Four all day is a little odd, plus he's been acting weird since Eric became one of the headmasters. I just hope he's not getting himself into trouble. I try to deny it, but my thoughts insist on running to the fact that Four might have left the faction.
"I am wondering what you pajamas is doing on the man's bathroom." I jump and turn around. Four has my pajamas on his left hand and has another hand around his gun. He's eyes are focused on the floor and even his voice sounded weird – sort of sad actually.
"I am wondering where have you been all day." I say as I take my pajamas from his hand. "Remind me when that became your business." He's turning around on his feet and walking towards the corridor that leads to the hospital. I take his arm to stop him and he tries to hit me, but I luckily see his punch coming and step backward. "Four!" I say. "What's going on?!" "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!" I step backward again when he shouts at me and I'm starting to think about running when he walks towards me. When he sees I keep on stepping backward as he moves forward he raises his hands. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." He seems calm so I stop walking and let him get closer.
"What is this about Four? Is it about Eric?" He laughs. "What, he convinced you that the world goes around him too?" "Four…" I say, demanding for a real answer and not bad sarcasm. He looks down and takes a deep breath before he speaks. "I received an encrypted message yesterday, telling me to meet someone in the train." I interrupt him. "And you went?! What were you thinking? Just because you're Dauntless doesn't mean you have to be suicidal! You could've died!" I stop when I see the look on his face. "I'm alive in case you haven't noticed yet." He says. I nod, and let him continue. "And so I went… and…" "And?" "And my mom was there." I don't get it. What is wrong with that? Shouldn't he be happy? "I thought she was dead. But then she shows up years after her funeral! It's so selfish of her!" He punches the wall and I grab his arm when he tries to punch it for the second time. Unexpectedly he hugs me.
Trying to make Four feel better is worse than trying to make Emmett feel better. First Emmett didn't get violent, and being with Four like this is just weird and sort of uncomfortable. But Four is better on hiding his feelings that Emmett is, so it easily passes by, though I feel terrible for not being able to help him. "Sorry." He says, giving the conversation a full stop, so that I know he doesn't want to keep talking about it. "You were going to the hospital right?" I nod and he walks me there. He stops at the door. "Next time you want to make out in the man's bathroom, make sure you don't leave any proof behind." I reach to hit him but he's already three long steps away. I feel myself blush when I think that I wish that I was guilty of what he was accusing me of, so I go in the hospital, trying to let it go.
The nurse takes about fifteen minutes to put the medicine in my back and I need to wait another ten minutes for it to dry. When I finally go back to the dorm it's about two in the morning. I put my pajamas on as fast as I can and then I look at my bed and then at Emmett's bed, trying to decide which one should I chose. Emmett looks cute turned to the side and with his arm standing stretched below his head. Emmett's bed seems the best choice to me. I lie by his side and put my head over his arm. "How did you even consider choosing your bed?" He says, as he puts his left arm around my waist and pulls me closer. "What are you doing awake?" I ask. "Couldn't sleep." I feel him shrugging. "Not feeling better?" I fear his answer. "Nah. I'm fine now. Thanks to you." He pulls me even closer to him. "Sleep now." He says. I close my eyes and let his warm body warm mine.
I'm far too gone to be sure he actually said something, but I remember this words when I wake up the next morning "I am still awake because was reminding myself you were the reason I chose Dauntless."
A/N: I know, I know. Late and depressing chapter. I'm sorry for this. Don't even strain to give me reviews, I'm not worth it this time.