Chapter Twelve – The First Times

It's hard to be calm as I look at my empty tray in the morning. Emmett's words from last night – the ones I'm not sure he said – are still resounding in my head. Like really resounding; I know I won't forget them – ever. "I am still awake because I was reminding myself you were the reason I chose Dauntless." And suddenly it's like everything made sense: why he didn't feel guilty, why he trained me at night and even why he kissed me in the neck that time he was acting without thinking. But all I can tell for sure is that I feel weird and I don't know how to act about it.

"Is, are you coming?" Emmett asks. "Huh? What? Where?" He raises his eyebrows but answers me anyway. "We were going to buy some new clothes, since Four said we won't need to use sports clothes in phase two anymore, and then pass by the dorm to change." I look at Liz and Lucas, they're both waiting for me as well. "Yeah, sure." I stand up and follow them.

"Have you seen Andrew today?" Liz asks as we look for clothes in the girls section. Emmett and Lucas are in the boy's section, two small corridors away. "No, why?" She shrugs. "I heard Ethan saying Four called him this morning, but apparently no one as seen him since then." Even though Andrew's disappearance is a little odd, I don't waste too much time thinking about it. I focus on choosing some clothes to myself, and strain not to think about Emmett.

Half an hour later it's almost eight in the morning and we're running to the dorm – Four told us to meet him there. I used my points to buy a pair of black tight jeans, a top, two t-shirts and a jacket. Emmett bought two pairs of jeans and some sneakers. He said the ones he had are still full of paintball ink. Lucas didn't buy anything and it's hard to tell exactly what Liz bought because it's basically the whole store. Her exact words were: "A girl needs to be ready for any occasion she's confronted with."

When we pass through the dorm's door it's like the temperature went down ten degrees and there's a lot of shouting. "Now that they're here can you explain me why is he in first place?!" Ethan shouts to Four at the same time he points to Emmett. We all stop walking and look around trying to understand what is happening. Emmett places his hands on my shoulders and makes me turn to the blackboard, which has now words written on it. I read them:

Phase One – Classifications:

Emmett

Ethan

Liz

Lucas

Lara

Is

Andrew

I freeze – that's why Andrew is gone! And I was so close to him, it could've been me. Emmett cares me in the arm, to calm me down, but I just can't. If Emmett didn't let me win, I would've been the one to leave.

"SO?!" Ethan shouts, making us all jump. "He lost with her!" This time he points to me! Four laughs. "Well, recognizing our own weaknesses is worth something. But, in the opposite way, cheating is not." Four explains. "In case you didn't notice, Capture the Flag was a part of phase one." Ethan tries to shout back, but Four has already turned around and is walking towards the door. "Now if you don't mind following me, we are late for phase two."

I, Emmett, Liz and Lucas immediately drop our shopping bags on our beds and follow Four, not caring if we were going to change clothes or not. Andrew is factionless now, and it's like we needed that to happen for us to realize the same can happen to any of us.

First of all Four drives us to the Pit where we meet the Dauntless-born initiates. Apparently they're joining us from now on. No one talks though I nod to Owen and then to Maeve – I know some of the others but we don't really talk so I don't bother nodding to them, though I notice that two of them are gone – they're now factionless, just like Andrew.

In silence, Four drives us through a dark corridor I've only been that time Emmett carried me on his arms. I immediately stop myself from thinking about Emmett. I need to focus if I don't want to be the next one to become factionless. Lauren is waiting for us next to a closed door. "It's all ready." She says as she waves to us and leaves. Four enters the room after he tells us to sit down. I sit with Emmett by my side and Owen and Maeve in front of us, leaning against the opposite wall.

A few minutes later Four calls one of the Dauntless-born initiates. It's a short girl, though not shorter than me. She looks pale and trembles a little. I wonder if this time the transfers are not the only ones that aren't ready for this phase. "What do you know about phase two?" I ask Owen and Maeve once Four closes the door. "Not more than you." Owen answers immediately. "Just that it's supposed to prepare us emotionally. I'm not sure what that means though." We all stay quiet and I notice that Ethan is whispering something to Lara and that every once in a while they look at Emmett and laugh. They're preparing something. I know it.

"How come only one of us became factionless when there were more two of you? We can't all have had better qualifications than the other two." Emmett breaks the silence with his weird but truthful question. I haven't thought of that. Maeve shrugs, and again, Owen answers immediately. "Well, only four of you could've left, or four of us, or a mix but always four. But has you were seven, only one you could come out. Then two of us are out and now we are seven just like you were. By the end of this phase we should be the same number of Dauntless-born initiates and transfers, which means two of us leave and only one of you does the same." I feel my surprise expression taking over my face. How does he know these things? He sees my face and smiles. "My sister had to learn all of this."

I want to ask more questions but I remain quiet, this is not the appropriated place. About twenty minutes later Four opens the door and calls another name. "Emmett." I feel as if a cold hole was left in my body when Emmett stands up. My heart speeds and I fear for him. I know he's afraid too because he doesn't look back to let me wish him good luck. I pinch my lips once Four closes the door again. "Where is she? She didn't left!" I hear Maeve whispering. "We don't know this hall, maybe there's another way out of that room." Owen says, trying to calm Maeve down. She's obviously too nervous.

For the surprise of us all, not ten minutes later Four opens the door and calls another name –another Dauntless-born initiate. This time is a boy, and if I'm not mistaken is the same one that was on my team the night we played Capture the Flag. I don't bother listening to his name as Four calls him, and I don't bother trying to remember it when the door is closed behind him. Emmett hasn't come out, just like the girl before him and I'm starting to panic. Where are they? Better still, where is my Emmett? I don't think I'll make it to the mysterious room if I'm not sure he's okay.

Four keeps on calling names and I notice that he's calling us from the order of our classifications. I don't know how long it has been seen Emmett was there, but so far he was the faster. Peter, who went right after him, took about forty minutes. And Lucas managed to take even longer; he was there for longer than an hour. Four opens the door – Lara was there for twenty seven minutes. "Maeve." He calls. She glances at me and Owen and then stands up. Once she enters the room and Four closes the door I'm left with Owen. He's going to be the last one, as they're seven and we're six.

"How come you got the first place and Emmett got the last one?! Well, after the guy who left…" Owen asks, as if he couldn't believe it. It remembers me that I've seen this expression before, but there's something different and that's why I can remember the last time. "Hmm, what?" "Four has been calling us by the order of our classifications. First he called the lowest one, and from there on. I'm in the first place, and apparently, so are you." I haven't thought about it, but I guess I should've thought it was a little odd that Owen were in last place just like me – Four used inverted orders to call the Dauntless-born initiates and the transfers. "I'm in last place." I say, making things clear. "Emmett had the highest classification." A jealous look rushes trough Owen's eyes. "I bet I could beat him."

I want to tell him I bet he could too, because Emmett would never try to beat him for fun, but Four opens the door and calls my name. I block for a moment. Maeve was even faster than Emmett! Four calls my name again and I stand up, fearing for what I might find in the room and fearing for Emmett. Where is he?

Again, I freeze when I come in the room. It's illuminated and it looks like a sophisticated version of the testing room. It doesn't have mirrors, and there are more computers this time, so I'm guessing Four won't use them just to enter the results. "Sit down." I sit in the dentist's chair, as I call it, but I'm trembling a little. Last time – also the only time – I was in a simulation, it didn't end up well. And Emmett… Why can't I stop thinking about him?

"Am I going into a simulation?" I ask, trying to make the minutes before he puts me asleep as longer as I can. "Sort of." Four answers, then I sit and see he's holding a syringe. I feel my palms sweaty as I look at the syringe. He smiles. "It won't hurt that much."

"Why can't I just drink again?" If there's something I inherited from my mom is the fact that I hate hospitals and everything that has to do with it. I think the fact that I avoided it, even when my back was in great pain, proved it.

"It's a different type of simulation. The serum contains a transmitter that will send data to the computer. I'll be connected to the computer and watch what's going on your mind. I can only watch but I can't control anything." He presses the plunger. It hurts, but everything is been hurting me since I got here, so physical pain has become a constant in my life.

"The serum will start its effect in sixty seconds. In addition to containing the transmitter, the serum stimulates the amygdale, which is the part of the brain involved in processing negative emotions, like fear. Then it induces a hallucination into a simulated image that I can see in my mind, using wires like the ones you used on the faction test. I will then forward the recording to Dauntless headmasters. You stay in the hallucination until you calm down, which means lower your heart race and control your breathing." I start feeling my heartbeat racing – definitely not a good thing, thinking about what I'm supposed to do next - and I know the sixty seconds are almost gone. "Emmett?" I ask, finally. "He did fine." Four assures me. "Though the first time is always the hardest." He pauses and I close my eyes. "Good luck." I hear before I go into the simulation.

I open my eyes I'm back in Candor. My old house – my old living room. It looks the same. The TV is standing in the same place, just like the sofa and the table. I look at the clock. It's past 7pm; my parents should be here already. I go into the kitchen to see if mom is making dinner but the kitchen is empty. I start to panic and I shout. "MOM?! DAD?!" I wait. No one answers me. I get out of the kitchen and run up stairs. I search every room and there's no one in my house. I scream again, but this time I'm not calling my parents. "EMMETT!" I shout his name over and over again, as I run down stairs and go out.

I stop once I'm in the street. I feel my heart pounding against my ribs, but I don't care. Why is the street empty? The Candor's streets are never empty at this time of the day. Actually the only time their empty is when everyone is at school or at work, and even then, only the suburbs – where I and everyone else, classified as not important, lives – are empty. But not now. Now, even the suburbs are full of young people, enjoying their lives and making as much noise as possible. "EMMETT!" I feel myself scream again, though I don't move. I'm starting to lose my strength and I let myself fall to the ground. I scream his name and cry and wish for all of this to be over.

"Isabelle?" A little girl touches my shoulder and I feel my heartbeat starting to low. I'm not alone. I'm not alone. I look at the little girl as my heart slowly calms down and I'm surprised to see a brunette girl, curly hair, short. I could've mistaken her for me, she looks exactly as I was when I was her age; the only difference is that she has my mom's green eyes. I feel a deep urge to cry.

Everything goes out and I'm in the room with Four again. He looks at me scared, and I know something is wrong. But I'm crying, so I don't bother asking. Instead, I shout Emmett's name again. Four reaches for me and I cringe myself in the chair. He stares at me for a while. "Is… I'm going to take you somewhere okay? I need…" But I don't hear any other word. I'm crying so hard and my strength is far too gone. I close my eyes and seconds later I feel myself pass out.

I wake up and I'm looking at a white room with a white ceiling. The lights are on, but I don't know where I am. I sit down, leaning against the pillows of a single bed. In the wall in from me I see three words. "FEAR GOD ALONE." They're written in capitals.

"Is? May I?" Emmett is at the door, looking at me. He's worried and I wonder how fragile I must look. When I see him I start crying again. He steps in and sits on the bed by my side. "No. Don't cry, Is." I ignore him. "I don't fit anywhere do I? Afraid of being left alone! Who would be afraid of this?!" I look at the tattoos in my wrists and I start to scratch them as if I could take them back. I don't deserve them. Emmett grabs my wrists and I look up to him. "Stop!" But it's like my brain doesn't understand his word and I try to release my wrists.

He lets one of my wrists go, and I try to release the other one, but he's too strong. Then he places his hand on my waist and moves forward to me. I stop fighting him, out of breath. His eyes are locked in mine as he moves forward. And he only stops when our lips meet. He kisses me softly, but I don't kiss him back. I want to. I've been wanting this for so long, but I can't react now. I never kissed anyone before, I don't know what to do; plus I'm confused after the simulation.

He moves backward and stares at me. Slowly I feel my strength come back. A fire burns inside me, a fire cause by the touch of his lips on mine. I thought I recognize the fire from his touch but I'd never felt this before and it makes me even more confuse. He looks down. "Is, if-" But I don't let him finish. The fire becomes bigger inside of me with the sound of his voice, and I'm not controlling myself when I lace my hands on his hair and pull him to me. I press my lips against his and he presses his against mine. We move in tune and it scares me how connected we are – we've always been. I quickly stay out of breath and he moves back to let me breathe, though only a few centimeters away. He's examining my face.

"It's not your fault, Is. What happened to your sister, it was before you were born. They shouldn't blame on you." I freeze. Before I was born? Sister? I shake my head. "Emmett, I'm the only child my parents ever had." I state. His eyes open too much and he sits on the bed again, instead of sort of lying over me. For a moment I'm delighted by his beauty, but I can't forget what he just said. "You don't – you don't know?" I see a conflict on his head as he looks at me, carefully. He has something to tell me, so I just wait. I can see he's in pure pain inside, and I want to pull him to me and kiss him again. But I know that won't release the pain, so I just wait for him to tell me. "Is, you had an older sister. She d-died a year before you were born, when she was three years old. She was –" He takes a deep breath. "murdered." "Murdered?!" I nearly scream. "Shh!" Emmett says, looking around, but obviously there's no one in the room. "I'm not sure about that, but that's what my mom told me and Kate. That there was a funeral, but the coffin was empty. Her body was never found. One day she was there, in the next day she was gone."

I thought I had felt the worst pain in my life already, but it's nothing compared to this. I'm not this type of suicidal girl, but if I could end my life now, I would. Thinking that my parents don't like me because I remember then of my murdered sister, and they never told me a word about her! I feel the tears rushing through my cheeks and I don't try to stop them. All I want to stop is the pain.

I pull Emmett to me again and I kiss him. I let my hands explore his hair, his back, his arms and his chest, while my lips explore his lips, his cheeks, his neck, his shoulder… Emmett is shyer, but he explores me too. I feel his hand in my back, in my waist and in my hair. And when I'm not kissing him, his kissing me in the neck, in the shoulder, in the hands… And that's all we do. We don't talk, we just kiss – for hours. And I forget the pain. I forget anything else and focus on his body leaning against mine – lying over me at first, then by my side, and when I'm starting to fall asleep, my head his leaning against his chest, so he's sort of below me. No one comes to look for us or to bring us food, and we don't mind. And even if someone does during the night, I'm far too gone to notice it – exhausted from all the feelings and pain I've been through today.

But there's no pain like the one I feel when I wake up the next morning and the bed is empty – Emmett is gone.

A/N: Hey! I sort of can't go anywhere because I injured my foot during PE lesson (and it was raining!), and well, I'll just be bored for more three days – at least that's what the doctor told me. So some reviews would be great, huh? :D What do you think of Isabelle's changes since the first chapter? Oh, and from the guest who asked, OF COURSE there'll be more chapters. I am nothing without my writing.