Chapter 5: A maid lost a maid gained Consuela: Ms. Bynes I cannot take this anymore, I quit. Me: What are you talking about Consuela, get back to work. Consuela: I say I quit. I hate this job. You treat me bad, you disrespect me and you insult me constantly calling me fat and ugly. Me: First off all those things are true. I do call you fat and ugly but it's because you are fat and ugly. To be honest I don't know how you're so fat since I never feed you. Second I don't have time for this since I have to urgently go back to sleep. Just stop the nonsense and go back to work. Consuela: No Ms. Bynes i no longer work for you. Me: I didn't want to have to say this but you leave me no choice. If you leave I'm going to deport you to the government so they can send you back to México. Consuela: For the last time I'm not Mexican! I'm from Guatemala and I came here LEGALLY. You can't touch me Ms. Bynes. Me: Oh never mind then. So what do you want more pay or something? Consuela: No I want to be respected and treated nicely like I deserve. Me: Fine then I'll do that now go away… Consuela: Oh no Ms. Bynes my decision is final, I'm still quitting. Me: But who will clean my dishes and carry me to my bed when I fall asleep on the couch. Consuela you can't leave I need you. Consuela: No I'm not going to stay. I already found a job being a maid at the house next door, I start tomorrow. I left my resignation letter on the table, good bye Ms. Bynes. – She said as she dramatically walked out the door. Me: Well better go post an ad on craigslist… Days and days past and nobody answered the ad. What do I do now? I went to my friend Daniels place to ask him for advice. Me: Hey Daniel Daniel: Hey Amanda so what brings you here? Me: Oh Daniel it's horrible. My maid quit and I can't find another. The apartment's a mess without her! The dishes aren't clean, the floors are full of dirt and I keep waking up on the sofa and not on my bed. I don't know what to do next. Daniel: You need a new maid you say? Me: Yeah and I can't seem to find one anywhere. Daniel: So how much are you willing to pay one? Me: Well I used to pay Consuela 4 and half dollars an hour and I let her sleep in my guest bedroom. Daniel: I'll take the job! Me: What, no, your black don't maids need to Latin American or something. Daniel: It's cool I'm half Puerto Rican. Me: But what about your apartment? Daniel: It's cool I haven't paid rent in three months so I'm going to get evicted any day any way. Me: Oh well in that case fine. You start tomorrow and I'll pay you 3 and half dollars an hour. You will get to sleep in a corner in the laundry room until I gain your trust and let you sleep on the kitchen floor. Oh and don't touch anything unless your cleaning it. Daniel: But you paid Consuela 4 and half dollars and she got her own bed room. Me: Fine I'll pay you 4 dollars an hour and you can sleep on the couch... Daniel: Alright! Me: Wait but you're a boy, right. Daniel: As a matter a fact I am a boy. Me: If you go into my apartment the paparazzi will go crazy writing stories about me dating a black guy that isn't drake. Daniel: Maybe I should go disguised… Me: Oh I was going to say you should have a sex change but that sounds like a better idea. Okay I'm going to go home and get some things, you know some old clothes, makeup, a wig and I'll be right back. I drove to my house really fast and got there in no time. Me: Okay I need to make Daniel look like a woman. Let's see here, foundation, bronzer, eyeliner, mascara oh here it is, my sharpie pen! Okay now I'll need a wig. Ugh I burnt all my wigs that one time. Oh maybe I could use this mop as a wig! Okay now I need some clothes, ewe but I don't want man sweat all over my clothes, oh but I could use this shower curtain as a dress! Oh I'm good. Okay what have I gathered so far: Some red lipstick, a sharpie pen, a mop, and a shower curtain. Perfect! Now I just have to drive back to Daniels place. Again I drove super-fast and got there in no time. Me: Daniel, I'm back! Come I'm going to make you a woman! Daniel: Coming! Me: Okay Daniel now sit on this chair and let me do the rest of the work. Daniel: Are you sure this will fool them Amanda. Me: Of course it will. I fooled them into thinking I was mortal so I can fool them into believing anything. Daniel: Well okay you're the boss. Me: Okay so well start with your face. A woman's face is her best feature, so I have to put a ton of makeup on it but I also want to make it look like you have no makeup on . Daniel: But that doesn't make any sense. Me: Of course it does now shut up and let me shove my sharpie pen in your eye. Daniel: Okay okay… Me: Now I'm going to take the sharpie pen and gently press it on your lower eye so it will look like eyeliner. Daniel: Couldn't you have just brought real eyeliner Me: No! I don't want any of your eye sweat on my eyeliner. Me: Okay so now were going to want to make your lips pop. Women have big red lips so what we're going to do is put some lipstick over your lip so they look more luscious. Perfect! Now that your makeup is done I'm going to put a wig on you. Well I couldn't find a wig at home so I brought a mop. It's okay though because I spray painted it black so it looks more natural. There we go. Now that your face is done were going to move on to the clothes. Now the clothes you are earing now are very masculine, women aren't masculine so I brought this shower curtain. If we wrap it around you it will look like a dress. Okay now that your hair clothes and makeup are done we can move on to shoes. I brought these high heels that I found in Consuela's old room. Done! Daniel: Wow I look great. Me: Yeah you do! Daniel: Wow look at me! I look just like a woman! Me: Okay Daniel you're enjoying this a little too much. Daniel: No I love it. Me: Okay Daniel stop. Now you're ready to go to my apartment. Pack your stuff were leaving now. Daniel: Didn't I start tomorrow? Me: Yeah but I made a mess of the apartment while looking for stuff to put on you and someone has to clean it up. C'mon let's go. Daniel: Okay, thanks Amanda. Me: Please stop talking…