Chapter Sixteen – My Fear Landscape
Maeve is waiting for us when we jump out of the train. She rushes towards us once the mob moves away. She opens her mouth, probably to ask how things went when she notices Four. So instead she turns to Owen. "Why the smile?" We all break into laughing when she says that, except Owen. "None of your business." He says, provoking her.
Immediately they start pretending they're fighting. "This is when I leave the kids." Four says, and both Maeve and Owen stop laughing, trying to look offended. But Four doesn't make a big deal of their faces; instead, his expression turns serious. "Use your three days the best you can." I press my lips together as he walks away, suddenly conscious that we all should be preparing for our fear landscape.
"So? How did it go?" Maeve obviously isn't so concerned about it, now that she finally gets the chance to ask. "Well, basically our plans were ruined, therefore, everything went fine." Emmett says, pulling me to him. He yawns. "I think I could use some sleep now." I roll my eyes, but lace my fingers on his anyways.
Maeve and Owen walk us to the pit and we divide in two groups there, but Emmett doesn't take me to the dorm right the way. He leads us to the dining hall instead and I hear my stomach crawling again. Somehow Emmett knows exactly where to find enough stuff to make me a huge sandwich that I eat faster than I thought I could.
I'm sitting on a table, with my feet on the metal bench, when I finish eating. Emmett is standing in front of me, with one of his hands on my leg and another in my back. We kiss for a while, as if trying to get back the time we lost while preparing tonight's trip. "How bad was it?" Emmett asks. I can feel his lips moving near mine and we're breathing the same air when I answer him.
"It could have been worse." He presses his lips against mine as he passes his fingers up and down my back, causing me warm chills. "Tell me." He asks, sitting next to me on the metal table. I close my eyes and sigh, but I tell him. It's not hard because I leave my emotions away – I think it sort of scared Emmett when he saw I could speak so emotionless, but I don't mind. If he was to get away from me just because I'm some sort of mutt, that would've happened a long ago.
When I finally shut, Emmett simply hugs me and kisses me one more time before he takes me to bed. I know this might sound lame, and I'll probably never say it out loud, but I think it's in little moments like this that I understand how much I need him and why I love him so hard.
I wake up to the sound of my own screams the next morning, and I barely have time to calm down when a pillow hits my head. "DO THAT AGAIN AND I'LL THROW YOU IN THE CHASM!" Emmett shouts to Ethan. "Tell your girlfriend to stop screaming then! I was sleeping!" Even though Ethan complains I know he got scared by his tone of voice. He knows that Emmett is usually calm, and the few times he got pissed of like this, Ethan always ended up in the hospital.
"You alright?" Emmett whispers to me, not allowing me to stand up. "Yeah. Tuff night, I had some nightmares." I dreamt about my sister, and it was quite a good dream until someone took her away from me. She was just a little girl, being pushed away from her family by strong hands. And whoever those hands belonged to, I would have to make them pay. I think that's somewhere when I started screaming with pain and frustration. But it was just a dream, that's all. I need to focus on what's really important – in two days from now, I'll be going through my fear landscape.
I don't know what happened with the clocks, but I swear it can't have been two days already. Between spending time with Emmett and discussing strategies for our fear landscape with Maeve, Owen and Emmett, it's today. Today we're all going to get to know our number, as Lauren said. The hardest part of these days – and actually the only time I remember I lost a few hours – was when we told each others about our own fears; or the ones we knew about so far, whatever.
I think some people might say it was a dumb action to tell other people about your fears, but we all trusted each others, plus the others had ideas of how to get through my fears. Of course we didn't share them all, only the worst ones, but it was hard to make choice thinking that I left out the one about sister – only Emmett and Four knew about it. So we shared about two fears each. Emmett told them about the deaths he saw (mine, Kate, etc.) and about being drawn. This one surprised me, but then I remembered Emmett never went to the pool with me and Kate – he always stayed outside watching us and making sure nothing happened to us. I wonder what he would do if one of us was almost drowning… He'd probably freeze with panic.
Owen told us he was afraid that her sister had some accident and acidified rain. I don't know where he got that second fear from, but none of us could help him. I mean, how do you run from rain? And finally Maeve told us she was afraid of some guy with no face who would run after her and of getting her family killed. This got me thinking that all of us had fears related to our families and I think when we shared it with each others it got us closer, as though we were family.
Emmett and Maeve are waiting for me outside the girl's bathroom. Emmett looks pretty mad and Maeve is nervous, as me. "What is it?" I ask Emmett, but surprisingly is Maeve who answers me. "Owen didn't spend the night on the headquarters." I shake my head, confused. Why is Emmett mad about it, instead of them both being worried? "He got out yesterday at seven and a half in the evening." Emmett explains. "Oh. OH!" I say, suddenly understanding. Owen's been taking that train every day since he started dating Kate, I just didn't think… Well, I'm better not think anything. Maeve laughs a little, but her face turns serious almost immediately. "Let's just go, shall we? Maybe is already waiting for us in the waiting room. It's almost nine o'clock." I nod, and hold hands with Emmett, moving my thumb in circles to calm him down.
The closer we get to the fear landscape room, more nervous I get. So soon enough is Emmett who's calming me down. Thankfully Owen provides us the chance to stay outside the waiting room for a couple minutes longer, as he rushes to catch up with us. His blonde hair is wet, and his not wearing a shirt though he has one on his arms. Emmett doesn't look particularly happy about that. When Owen reaches us he takes a few deep breaths and dresses his cleaned T-shirt. I raise one eyebrow to him once he's done.
"Got… stuck… in a… train." He says, still trying to recover his breath. But then he glances at Emmett. "After I left your sister's place. Wait, that's not what I meant." I look at Maeve who's trying to contain her laugh. I hold my breath so I won't burst into laugh too, and at the same time make sure not to let go of Emmett. I don't want him to punch Owen. "I respect her. Nothing happened." Owen says, calming Emmett down at last. "How did you get out of the train then?" Emmett asks. "Roof escape. The door didn't open so I had to sleep there until there was enough light for me to find a way to reach the roof. And it was raining!" That's it. Both me and Maeve couldn't hold it anymore and started laughing. It wasn't that funny, but we were so desperate to forget about our fear landscape just for a brief moment that we had to clean the tears from our eyes.
When we finally stopped laughing, we entered the waiting room. Everyone looked pretty serious, and that took the entire good mood we just earned away. No one was in the fear landscape so I'm guessing we got in right in time. "We're first." Maeve says. "Lau, told us transfers go in second place." I sigh. That means I still have some time to prepare myself mentally. One of the transfers stands up and enters the room, and I'm guessing they've been told when their turn is. There's now to sits left, so Owen and Maeve take the one in front, next to the others Dauntless-born initiates and I and Emmett take the other one, next to Liz.
Liz still looks down and I feel sorry for her. I'm almost sure that she's going to be one of the last one in the classifications. Technically no one leaves in this phase, because we're ten already. Guess there were such a small number of initiates this year. But our classification still counts because it will allow us to choose the job we want. The person who gets the first place gets to chose first, then the second place, and so on until the last person. So no one really feels like we've passed our initiation. Plus, we can still be expelled if we crash during the simulation and don't make it through our fear landscape.
Sitting on Emmett's lap, we silently remember each other tips to go through our fear landscapes. The Dauntless-born initiates cheer every time one of the monitors goes green, which means someone has passed through one of their fears. At some point, the fourth guy finishes his fear landscape and Four comes out of the observation room. "Owen's your turn. You're next, Maeve."
Owen enters the room and I look inside the observation room for the first time today. It's full of Dauntless members. Some of them have electrodes connected to their heads, and I'm guessing that's how they know what's really going on in the fear landscapes, instead of just watching someone punching air. Judging by their expressions the last guy's fear wasn't that interesting. Though Max, one of the Dauntless headmasters I know, turns around on his chair to talk to Lauren, who's standing between Four and Eric. Max asks her a question that she answers with a short answer, making Max turn around again. Eric looks pretty startled – probably the headmasters decided he's not old enough to watch the fear landscapes yet. And I have to say it, I'm thankful for that.
Looking at Owen going through his fear landscape I can identify which of his fears corresponds to the acidified rain one, as he looks up to the clouds at some point. But in all the other fears his face simply shows pure panic. Counting them, Owen goes through twelve fears before he blinks a few times; to make sure what he's seeing is real. I don't look at his timer or I'm sure I'll get even more nervous. So my eyes follow Maeve, who stands and enters the room. I feel Owen standing behind us, focus on Maeve as well.
She's incredible fast and my mouth opens when she "wakes up" after her fourth fear. Four fears. Maeve only has four fears. Somehow, I feel myself turning to the observation room. But I'm not looking at all those men and women who seem to be arguing. No. I find myself looking at Four. And suddenly I realize why people call him Four – like Maeve, he only has Four fears. I mean, that can't be his real name, can it? Like my name is not Is. Some of the observers look at him as well, but he intimidates them by glancing back at them. Obviously he doesn't like to be noticed.
Maeve's friends congratulate her, but she doesn't look happy about it. She leaves the room almost immediately. I want to run after her but I know I can't, so I look up at Owen, whose mouth is slightly open, as if he's astonished with all that just happened, but once he realizes I'm looking at him, he nods and goes after Maeve.
Again, Four comes out of the room. "Transfers, you'll be called according to your classification from phase two, which means Liz goes first and Is is the last." Liz stands up and enters the room. I don't want to see it, so I let my head rest on Emmett's shoulder and close my eyes, visualizing what I'll have to go through. By doing so, I hope I'll be more prepared to what is expecting me. At some point I hear a noise coming from the monitors and Emmett holds me closer to him. "It went red. She didn't make it." He whispers. I can't tell I didn't expect that, but I had faith Liz would make it through. I don't look at her as Lauren joins her and they both leave the room – I know I wouldn't like people looking at me.
There are nine of us now, and four still haven't been through their own fear landscapes. One of them is me and the other is Emmett. How worse can this get from now on? Lara stands up and enters the room, and I can see the fear in her face even before the nurse inside the room inserts the transmitter on her. Again, I close my eyes. I feel Emmett caring me in the back. The Dauntless-born initiates are still cheering every time Lara passes through one fear. And then Ethan. At some point during Ethan's fear landscape Emmett pulls my chin up to kiss me.
"Don't let my death panic you." I say when he gives me time to breathe. "Focus on keeping your heartbeat steady." He closes his eyes and shakes his head. Then his eyes snap open and he's looking at me. "I can't. You're death is always the worst. But I think this time it's going to be easier to calm down while they're- they're killing my sister. Because I kind of have the hope Owen will show up the and save the day this time." Emmett even manages a smile at this point. "I know it's not possible but-" "Hey, it is possible. We control it this time, alright?"
I hear movement behind me and Ethan leaves the room. I stand up from Emmett's lap, still holding his hand. I put my other hand over his heart. It's beating too fast already. "Keep it steady." I say, before I let go. He doesn't look back at me as he walks towards the room. Emmett's face is difficult to translate, but I can say when's going through my death, through being drowned and through getting lost in a place he doesn't know. Emmett told me that's he's afraid of tornados or hurricanes as well, which I think it's conditioned by his fear of drowning, but I can't really identify that one. As I did with Maeve and Owen, I count his fears. Eight fears. It's a good number and I don't think I could watch his expression for longer.
As he gets out of the room, he's trembling. His face reflects pain and fear until our eyes meet. Then his expression reveals relief and I stand up. He gives me a fast kiss, not caring about the other's complaining. "Just making sure." He whispers before he takes our chair. I feel like my legs are going to lose their strength at any second as I walk towards the fear landscape room, but fortunately they don't.
I feel the needle in my neck and the nurse – the one who caught me and Emmett in the dark hall – presses the plunge. "Try not to get injured." She says, as though it was out private joke. But I don't laugh. Everything around me is starting to change, and suddenly I'm not in the pipes room anymore.
The floor is the same – I'm still in the Dauntless headquarters – but around me there are all types of targets you can imagine. My heartbeat increases. This is not as I saw it the first time, but it's definitely my fear of knives. I look around, trying to find the table with the knives, but there's no table. I'm not supposed to shoot – that's not what I'm afraid of anymore – no, I'm supposed to be shot. I look around, trying to find the door, but there are targets everywhere I look. I don't know where my enemies come from so I wait. They don't take long, Ethan, Lara and Eric enter the room a few minutes later, or at least it looks like a few minutes to me. They all have big knives on their hand. Oh, that can't be good. I step backwards as my heart beat speeds even more, and I feel like it's going to explode out of my chest. I don't know why, but this remembers me of riding Owen's bike, it reminds me of adrenaline. And that reminds me of something Owen told me that day. «They don't tell us so it won't make things easier for you, but if you study your fears, you'll find what they mean, and then you only need to fight it with its opposite.» It seems quite simple once you find out what is your fear about. So I think, I got over the knives part, so what really am I afraid of? And then it seems obvious, I'm really just afraid of someone with a weapon. But now, what the opposite of that? It can't be not having a weapon, because that's my position right now. They're now very close to me I can feel the warm coming from their bodies. I feel like screaming, but then I realize, only a powerful weapon can fight another weapon. Is not that what wars are all about? I think of a gun and I hold my breath when I feel a weight in my left leg. A gun on my trousers pocket – trousers that I can swear I was not wearing before I got here. But I don't contain myself; I take the gun and point it at them. I need no more. They all step backward and I feel myself getting back the control of my breath. My heart beat steadies and everything turns into a mix of colour.
The next fear is the easiest one – heights. It's the first I faced and I always think of Emmett waiting for me. I jump from the top of the Center without even hesitating. Two fears down, only the gods know how many are to come.
I start trembling when I see what my next fear is. I'm in my Candor house again, and it's empty. I shouldn't have allowed myself to even think about looking for someone, but I do. I scream for my dad and I scream for Emmett. I even scream for my mom once. But then I can't handle it anymore so I run out of the house. Once I'm out I scream for Emmett again. I scream for Kate and Owen, because now I have memories of them here. I scream over and over again but no one shows up. Until I scream for my sister, Emily. Though this time, I'm counting on her, so obviously she never comes. I sit in the ground, panicking – not afraid of being hit by car. Cars rarely come here, and I'm absolutely sure none will come today. What do I do now? If I fail, I'm out. Emmett is here, I can't just leave him. And that's when I see his blue eyes. I mean, he's not here with me. But I can see his blue eyes and his sweet smile every time I blink. My know-it-all brain whispers to me: self-confidence, and it's like a light turns on in my head. This has never been about being alone; it's always been about me thinking I can't do things on my own. It's about me thinking I'm too weak, not worth it. I close my eyes and focus on Emmett. Bright blue eyes, dark hair, neither curled nor straight and that sweet smile – the smile I caused. That's my smile. My heart beat decelerates and I finally feel like I'll make it through. If I got past this one, I'll go past the others.
Everything turns to a dark forest. The thing is, the dark only lasts for a second. The next second everything's on fire, threatening to consume me. I've never been through this and I don't know what to do. But the last fear gave me hope, and as my brain said: self-confidence. So I decide to play god. I'm controlling this after all, ain't I? So I say it should rain. I wait for a few seconds and few drops start to fall and then more and more until I'm covered in water. For a moment I look up, excited – I just made it rain! But then I remember I'm in a middle of a simulation and I need to get my heart beat slow, so I watch the rain extinguish the fire.
The fire is no long a fire and it's now a red painting in front of me, then the painting compresses as rushed in direction of my neck, suffocating me. The rope is tighten enough, hurting my wrists, but the man keeps on tightening it. I scream, calling his attention. He forgets about the rope and pulls the red tissue, just like he did three days ago. I try to scream but it doesn't work this time with the tissue around my neck – I should be counting on that one, but I'm not thinking straight. I remember the last time and how the knife showed up in my hand, and suddenly there it is, in my right hand. I cut the rope, more careful this time, but ending up by cutting my wrist again. Guess who's never going to use knives again in real life? As soon as I'm done I stretch my arms, just like last time, and take the tissue out of my neck even before I stand up. I drop the knife in the floor and hold my neck, making sure it's still there. After two times being suffocated I should check if my vials are still working.
I look at the dead man lying on the floor. "You're the one who forced me to kill you twice. You should've remembered last time." My voice was weak and I don't know what led me saying this, but really was starting to hate this guy.
The walls turn dark and I see pipes again, but I'm not sure if this is a fear or not. I sure am afraid of the fear landscape room. I'm paralyzed and then I unfroze so I guess this is real life, in part because my heart isn't beating as fast as it was in the beginning of every fear. The nurse is not here anymore, probably because I'm the last one, so I walk really slowly towards the door, making sure I won't fall. The minute I open the door, two arms catch me. I'm sure never getting sick of Emmett's smell – sweet but male.
"Hmm-hmm! Other people here want to celebrate." Emmett lets go of our hug but he holds my hand, fingers laced on mine. Owen takes his place immediately. "Did I hear something about five fears? You girls are rocking the house today." Maeve is back too, and she looks better. Her smile is back but she looks worried. "Well, I warned you that guys only pretend to be fearless in most situations." She says, making me and Emmett laugh.
I look around and see that most of the other initiates are looking at out group. Maeve turned out to be the star of the day. My eyes end up by meeting Four eyes, who is also looking at us, worried. "I'll be right back." I say, unlacing my fingers and walking towards Four. "Would it be too much to give you a hug?" Four smiles. "That's part of training. You always become friends with your trainer." He shrugs and pulls me to him, giving me a fast hug. "Congratulations on that five." He says. "Thank you, Four." He looks at Maeve. "You figured that out." I look back too. Emmett's staring at us as he talks to Owen and Maeve. But he seems more inside in my conversation with than in his, as if he could read our thoughts. "Yeah." Four shakes his head like if he was trying o get rid of some back thought. "Well, I have to go." He shows me some papers. "I have some classifications to do." He turns around. "Dinner's at nine today. The last carriage is always empty apart from your friend. Take Maeve with you and bring Kate later. Don't be late." And with this awkward "order" he leaves.
A/N: Thank you for not warning me that my last chapters are full of phrases that don't make sense! Okay, it's not your fault, but I would seriously appreciate some reviews, good or bad.
Thanks. Best, Is.