Chapter Seventeen – Goodbye
As soon as we got out of the waiting room I told my friends what Four had told me. Owen cheered; Emmett looked happy with it as well; Maeve was our problem. She tried to say she was busy and couldn't go but as soon as we all stared at her with a mad look she said it was no big deal and that she could come. We all went for lunch together and after that I and Emmett went for a walk as Owen and Maeve went to get Kate's cover for tonight – which means buy some clothes at the Dauntless cloth's store so she could sneak in without being noticed.
"Five fears, huh?" Emmett says, lacing his finger on mine as we walk towards the Pit. I roll my eyes. "You only had three more. It's no big deal." "It's not a big deal? It's half of the lowest average number!" He doesn't give me time to complain, as he takes me on his arms. "I am proud of you!" I raise my eyebrows and he keeps on talking. "You're so different. No, not different. Just now, you're you. What you show to everyone it's what you've been hiding for sixteen years. And I love you for that. I love you for your bravery. I love you because you made us get through this. Together." My face burns and I'm speechless when we get to the Pit. I start climbing – heart beat on its highest speed.
We climb to the highest wooden bridge today, ending up by having the window-roof right on top of us. Emmett lies back, with one foot hanging on each side of the wooden bridge. I lie back against his chest but keep my feet on the bridge. The rain falls, just as Owen had said. Looking at it as I stand below it makes me feel wheat, though the rain doesn't even touch me. Its noise makes it impossible to maintain a conversation, so we keep quiet, playing with each other fingers until I eventually fall asleep.
"Hey there, Sleepy Beauty." Emmett calls out, using a fairy tale name to make fun of me. He's right, though. I've been sleeping quite a lot. It's just… For the past three days I've been waking up exhausted due to nightmares. "What time is it?" I ask, nearly screaming because of the rain. "Time to go. I just saw Maeve and Owen down there walking towards the train station." I make the mistake of looking down, not remembering we're on the highest wooden bridge. Immediately I hold Emmett's arm. He laughs as he puts his hands on my waist. "You're okay. I'm here. Let's just go down."
"Wait." I say. "There's something I want to tell you." He raises one eyebrow, and I shake my head trying to gather enough bravery to tell him what I want to. For some reason I carried the feeling that something bad is going to happen all day; but with all the worry about going through my fear landscape I ended up by not making such a big deal of it. Yet as I was watching the rain before I fell asleep, I couldn't help the feeling to stay away any longer. "I-" Again, I make a mistake, as I lock eyes with him and it's like my voice gets lost. "Is, is everything okay?" I nod and dry swallow. Then I approach him and get on my tip toes, ending up by speaking in a low voice to his ear. "I love you too." I say, not really coming out as I planned. I meant to tell him what I had been feeling today and that I couldn't stand that whatever was to come would cause him to leave me or even hurt him, but I just blocked and came up with the words I've been afraid to say out loud for a long time.
He manages a smile, astonished with my revelation. His non-reaction time doesn't last long though. He pulls me to him – hands still on my waist – and kisses me. It's a new type of kiss. Like he's surer of me being his and I wonder if I've ever gave him reasons to be confused about it. When he gives me time to breathe, we're completely enlaced on each other, which surprises me – one of my hands is on his back, pulling him to me and the other's laced on his dark hair; his hands, instead, are still on my waist, but he moves them up to my cheeks, careful as only Emmett can be. I would never be like this if there was someone around. Yet, it takes me only one word to wake us up to reality, "Kate."
We make our way down to the Pit and then to the train station where Maeve and Owen await us. "Did you bring the clothes?" I ask. "On my backpack." Owen answers, his eyes shining. "Any idea where we're going?" I ask, wondering where Owen and Kate use to go, or if they simply stay on the train all the time. Owen shakes his head, but I think he's lying by the way he glances at Emmett. Five minutes later the train arrives. Guess we were right on time! We wait until the last train car passes by before we jump inside.
I nearly fall, but Emmett keeps me steady. I'm missing some practice. I barely have time to turn around when Kate's tin arms smash me. "You cut your hair!" I say, accusing her. She always refused to cut her hair shorter than mine, which is quite longer now, but Kate's new look really surprises me. Her curly blonde hair goes by her shoulders now, what makes her look ten times prettier, something I thought as impossible before. She smiles and hugs her brother. "I like you priorities." He says causing her to show her tongue as she used to do back when we were kids.
"You must be Kate." Maeve says, evaluating her. I turn around, looking for Owen and I'm surprised to see that he's on a really deep conversation with an older guy, with dark red hair and dark eyes. I've never seen him before. "Yes. And you must be Maeve. Owen told me a lot about you." Kate interrupts my thoughts. "He did, huh? Good things, I hope?" She elevates her tone of voice, to call Owen's attention. He and the other guy approach. Owen gives Kate a fast kiss and asks her a couple of questions before he turns to Maeve. "What?" "Kate said you've been saying stuff about me. I hope it's good stuff." She explains. "They're true." He says, looking down, but I can see the smile on his face. As always, Maeve acts immediately, taking her pocket knives out of her pocket. "Is that a dare, Tate?"
"Wait, wait, wait! Your last name is Tate?" Kate laughs. "Yeah. So?" Owen says, pulling her to him. They leave us to cuddle at a corner of the car, leaving us with a complete strange. Or at least, I thought so.
"You must be Zander, then?" Maeve asks, and I wonder how she knows. The boy nods. I feel Emmett's fingers lacing on mine as if saying to let them alone but I want to know who this boy is first. If he's hanging out with my best friend I need to know who he is. "Owen told me about you. You met Kate at wherever you stay, right?" "Not whatever. We live there. It's our home." He says.
"You're factionless; therefore you can't call it a home, can you?" "I see that your concept of home is far different than mine." The guy says. I want to tell Maeve to stop, that guy is not Owen, and she can't challenge him like that. But Emmett pulls by me this time, and I step backwards with him. I still hear Maeve saying "Concept? Who talks like that?"
Emmett lies against the car's wall and pulls me to him, starting to kiss my neck almost immediately. I try to let myself go with him but I just can't. First it's not me. I don't have the capacity of being with Emmett like this in front of other people. Second, I just left Maeve – who always demonstrated to fear being outside the headquarters – with a complete stranger. As this thought crosses my mind, I tense up and look back to Maeve and this guy, Zander. They look like two cats ready to go on a fight. Both carrying the same tricky smile. Both with shinning eyes.
"Is, what is it? Do you know him?" Emmett puts his fingers on my chin, making me look at him. "No! That's the problem! I don't trust him." Emmett rolls his eyes. "You do have to control everything, don't you?" "Hey! I'm worried." He cares me on the cheek, knowing that I won't aloud kisses. "Chill out. Kate told me about him. Zander is cool. She told me he used to be on Amity but transferred to Erudite. Like her, he didn't make it through the initiation. He offered his apartment to her. It's the only way he can keep it – if two factionless are using it. Otherwise they could tell him to go downtown and live among the others at this safe place they have." I'm still not convinced. "How old is he?" Emmett shrugs. "I don't know." I think about it.
"So you're telling me that you're okay that your sister is living with this older guy she just met?" Emmett tenses up a little, but he calms down almost immediately, as if it actually bothered him but he knew it wasn't supposed to. "Look, Zander found her and took her in. He gave her a place to live. Food to eat. And an actual job. He protects her like a brother would. Like I should have. And now I should be thankful to him. I owe him." I sigh. I don't really feel okay with it, but Emmett's got point. Zander kept her safe after all. "It's not your fault. I'm sorry for this. I think I'm still protective over her. She's always been so clumsy. But don't blame on you. She has grown up an amazing young woman. She knows how to defend herself." I even manage a fast kiss, that ends up by lasting longer than planned and I'm out of breath when I pull back – my cheeks burning.
I look back at Maeve and Zander one more time, just to make sure, and I'm surprised to see that they're no longer on the fight position. Maeve has sat down by the door and has her feet hanging. By what I can see, I would say she is daring Zander to do the same. Zander, on his turn, is hanging the door's handle making sure he won't fall with the wind. As an instinct I look at Owen and Kate, just to make sure they're fine, but I am forced to look down immediately. They're so abstracted from everything else, so focus on each other that they could be doing intimate things. It just feels so terrible to watch. Emmett laughs, which surprises me. He's the one who should be bothered with it and not me. I feel like today is being a strange day. It's like everything has turned around.
Owen, Kate and Zander tell us to jump out of the train a few minutes later. We're on the suburbs again, but in the other part of the city. I didn't know the factionless lived here. "Our house is right there." Zander points to an old building at the end of the street. It looks old and on risk of falling. Some of the windows are even broken, but I can tell they live on the second floor. It's the only floor that has flowers on the windows – and not just simple flowers, roses. Kate always said roses reminded her of me: pretty but danger. I never understood before, but now I do. Not because I think I'm either pretty or danger, but because now I know how appearances can elude.
Zander and Kate's apartment is really tiny. It has a small living room that includes a fridge, a couch, a book shelve and a table, two small bedrooms, each one with space for only a bed and a wardrobe, and eventually a bathroom that rarely gets warm water. Owen and Kate don't stop by the living room, entering her bedroom right the way and closing the door. Emmett looks a lot more worried with that, so I ask Zander if he minds that we take his bedroom whispering «sorry» to Maeve as we enter the room.
"I can't believe she's going to change clothes in front of him!" Emmett almost punches the wall, but I hold his arm, almost taking the punch myself. "Stop it. You're going to make it fall!" I say, keeping him away from the walls in general. "I just can't stand-" "We did the same didn't we?" I snap, and he looks confused. "Did what?" I feel myself blush, but I stand for Kate and Owen. "Change clothes. In front of each other." "Well, but I've known you since I was born. Plus, we weren't dating the first time I changed clothes in front of you." "That doesn't mean I didn't feel something for you back then." I curse my words right after I say them, though, for some miracle, they calm Emmett down. "You're saying," his smile makes him talk slowly, "that you had intentions of dating me, hmm, before we, hmm." He takes my hands and makes me lie on the bed. I feel my heart pounding against my chest. My skin burns where he touches me as he slowly lies over mean, with only two centimeters between our bodies. "Before I did this?" Our bodies finally touch and for a fraction of a second I wonder how I don't feel his weight smashing me, but when his lips touch mine, pressing them and making them move in tune with his.
Soon enough, my fingers are laced on his hair and my hand is on his back. I feel his hands reaching for the zip of my black hoodie. I freeze immediately, trying to remember why I even let it get to this point. He understands something is wrong and moves up, sort of lying over me – one hand rested on the bed on each side of my head. We both take some time to recover our breaths, but our eyes are locked. His blue eyes look gray in the dark light of the moon and I wonder how mine look. Probably some mundane dark brown. Suddenly I can't hold is look anymore. He looks so sweet and harmless that I feel bad for rejecting him like that, know I hurt his feelings.
He stands up. I want to tell him not to but I force myself to stay quiet. This is it. What I was afraid of all day. The tears fall from my eyes. I don't move though. The pain is so hard I can't really do anything. I hear a noise and the light coming from the moon increases. A few second later I feel pressure on the mattress. I know it's Emmett because the door wasn't opened so no one got in or out. He sits by my side, supporting his full weight on his left arm. I can't see his expression through my teardrops but I hear him holding his breath for a second. He cares me on the cheek and shoves the teardrops away. By this time I don't know what to think.
"I'm sorry. Don't cry. Please." He moves up in the bed so he's lying against Zander's pillow now and then he pulls me up to him, wrapping his arms around me. I cry against his chest as he whispers sweet words to me. Slowly I start believing them but it takes me a while to get the control over my voice again. "Why are you saying you're sorry?" I ask. "I'm sorry I hurt you." "This time I'm sure he's surprised." "Hurt me?" He makes me look up to his eyes. "Isabelle Moore, I love you and for some miracle you love me back. That's the best feeling in the world. And I was the one to hurt you a while ago, and just now. I let myself go after what I'd just said. I'm sorry." Instinctively I kiss him. I know it's probably not the best choice; he can let himself go again. So I pull back after a while and rest my head on his chest. "Will you wait for me?" The words come out of my mouth but it's not voice who speaks it and sure it's not my brain who thought them. He holds me closer, as if he could sense how fragile I was just by my tone of voice – which he probably could. "Always."
We stand in silence for a few minutes longer. He moves is arm and sees the time on his wrist watch. "It's almost time to leave." He says. Impossible, I think, we just got here. He starts to stand up and I intend to follow him. "Hold still." He says. I do as he says, and stay lie on the bed. He doesn't fully stand, sitting by my side. He touches the zip of my hoodie, half opened already. "May I?" I feel my heart beat speeding, but I know I can't be nervous. Emmett said he'll, I have to trust him. He unzips my jacket and makes me undress it. I feel cold but I don't say a word. The cold only last for a few seconds though. The he passes his fingers through my arms, my neck, my stomach… He even plays with my curly brown hair for while. Then he stops and simply looks at me. The human light illuminates my body. I stretch my arm to care him in the cheek. His dark is falling to his face, as always. I smile and apparently he sees it as an encouragement to talk. "Tin. Pale. Stubborn look. So beautiful."
I want to say something back, but the door crashes open. Zander glances at us and immediately looks down. "I- huh-." He shakes his head and starts again as I and Emmett stand up and I put my hoodie on. "I was told to call you guys." He turns around on his feet and we follow him, embarrassed.
In no time, we're back in the Dauntless headquarters. Zander left us at the train station near their apartment and turns out he was a really nice guy after all.
Kate olds my arm really tight as we walk towards the dining hall. "Calm down. You look like a real Dauntless. Everything's okay." She nods and tries to look calmer. Her curly blonde hair swinging from one side to the other. I stare at her for a couple seconds more. She grew up since the Choosing Ceremony day, and now, with all the makeup Maeve out on her, she looks mature. I wonder how different I look to her.
When we reach the dining hall Four waves at us from an empty table – well not empty if we count on him. We all walk towards there and sit by his side. Kate pulls by my arm and whispers to me. "Isn't he your mentor? Doesn't he know that I'm not supposed to be here?" I look at Four who just started a conversation with Maeve. "You have no idea how Four likes to break the rules. Last year he kicked Eric's ass during their initiation." Owen, who apparently had stopped to talk with Lauren, shows up behind us. "He did?" I ask, turning to Four. "Yeah." He glances at Eric. I follow his eyes and find Eric too. As soon as he notices me staring he grabs his knife from the table and shows it too me. I look away immediately. Obviously someone told him about my fear landscape. I hope that's the only fear they told him about. I don't want him haunting me.
Owen takes his place next to Maeve and in front of Kate. She's still nervous about being here but somehow Owen manages to calm her down, enough to make her eat her dinner.
As soon as we're done with our dinner, Max stands up, and climbs an empty table, so we can all see him. Behind that table is a big screen someone put there today. Everything is silent. Marcus turns on a microphone and starts talking.
"As we all know, we're starting a new year today. All the initiates that have made it through the three phases are here. Congratulations." Marcus gives time for the Dauntless member to shout and cheer and then hits the microphone with two fingers to shut them down.
"We believe in bravery. We believe in action. We believe in freedom from our fears. In the past weeks, these initiates have shown to share our believing. Therefore, you are very welcome!" I wouldn't say that's what most people in here believe in. But I know I believe in bravery. As I've been told, in ordinary acts of bravery, on the courage that leads one person to stand up for another. "So tomorrow, as their first act as member of our faction, this initiates will all pick their jobs. Unfortunately, we didn't even reach ten new members this year, but we know that the ones that'll join us will compensate the ones we lost."
The silence is back. We're all remembering the ones that left, and for a second my mind remembers me of that Abnegation girl who fell while jumping to the roof of the headquarters.
"And, now, the so awaited moment, your classifications." The moment he says this last words, our names appear on the screen. Right on top there's a photo of Maeve – obviously she got the first place. Owen is already hugging her and I pass my eyes through the rest of the names. My mouth opens slowly as I read the second and third names.
2. Is
3. Emmett
Emmett hugs me from behind, lifting me off the ground. I feel his warm lips on my neck. Once he puts me on the ground again, I turn on my feet to kiss him. As I said, today everything is turned around, so I can allow myself to one kiss in front of everyone. I can feel the surprise on his face while my lips move against his on a perfect tune, but he pulls me closer to him. Our kiss doesn't last long, as the crowd in our table decided to jump over us.
"First four places!" I hear Owen's scream coming somewhere from my left. And I don't need to look at the screen to know he got the fourth place. A smile forms in my mouth, and I just can't make it disappear. I don't think I've ever been this happy and relieved at the same time.
The crowd keeps on cheering and shouting. People come to congratulate me on the second place, even people I never talked to before. Finally I feel like Four said – we did find the best family we could ever find. And more than that, I finally found the place I belong to – The Dauntless Faction.
Owen and Kate are the first ones to sneak out of the dining room and we follow them almost immediately, leaving Maeve with the other Dauntless-born initiates that are now members. Emmett even sings on our way to the dorm. We lie on Emmett's bed and we kiss. We kiss for so long and no one comes inside. I guessing the party must be really good.
For the second time today, Emmett unzips my jacket and takes it off. For my own surprise, I feel my hands unzipping his jacket as well. I am conscious nothing is going to happen, not- not like that. But we're so happy that we feel comfortable on letting the other explore our bodies. I take his shirt off as well. That's when we stop kissing. I look at him in the dark. There's only a weak light coming from under the door. Yet, even with only that light he's beautiful. He's pale skin, though not as much as mine, in contrast with his dark hair and blue grayish eyes takes my breath away. I let my fingers follow the lines that define his muscles on his chest and stomach. He chills due to the cold of my fingers in contact with his warm skin but he doesn't stop me.
And that's somewhere when we hear the screams. Not like party screams, real screams – panic screams. We stands up immediately and put our shoes on. I take Emmett's watch for a second just to see what time is it. It's almost one in the morning. I drop the watch and hold Emmett's hand. None of us cares of putting our clothes back on.
We go outside and run to the Pit – where the screams seem to come from. We're surprised to see a big crowd in there. For some reason people open a path for us. We advance towards the Chasm. At some point I see the paramedics face and freeze. My brain knows what happened even though I can't think it myself. I turn to Emmett and bury my face in his chest. The tears fall from my eyes. I feel his hands on my back on a protective gesture. I feel his chest moving and I know he's crying too. But it's not until I hear the worst screams I've ever heard in my life that I break apart.
"NOOOOOO!" I look up and see Owen at the end of our path. Kate and Lauren are each holding one of his arms, stopping him from stepping any closer. His eyes are drowned in tears and he keeps screaming. But those are screams I no longer hear. The truth just hit me. Maeve is dead. Thrown in the Chasm because of her Divergence. It isn't safe to stay here any longer.
I walk towards the Chasm. Emmett doesn't try to stop me. He's frozen trying to face the reality in his own way. Soon enough he'll get to the same conclusion as I did. I know the paramedics tell me not to get any closer and I know that Owen is still screaming behind me. But I don't hear anything but my own steps and my own unsteady breath.
The water is red but there's no body – taken way with the current. I lose my strength and fall to my knees, yet I keep my eyes on the reddish water. Someone's behind me ready to take me way. A friendly arm on my shoulders telling me it's time to go.
"Goodbye." I say to the water before I let myself cry against Four's chest, who later delivers me to Emmett.
A/N: Okay guys, I am crying right now and I am sorry if I made you cry too. I just really loved this character. And I've been having lots of views but no reviews. So, this is a decisive chapter on whether I should or not keep on writing. If you have an opinion on it, please tell me.
Best, Is.
[P.S I have a special thank you to writeyourcaresaway, who first made me start this and who has supported me a lot. She's a really good writer and you could do me the favor of at least checking her profile/stories.]