Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.
What a reaction to the first chapter, thank you so much :)
Thank you Melanie for speedy betaing.
This is heavy sort of chapter, lots of information...lets see what's wrong with Edward.
-0- -0- -0- -0- -0- -0- -0- -0- -0-
Two Years Earlier...in woods between Seattle and Forks...
Edward stared into the flames. The smoke, purple and acrid, curled around him as he watched the last of Victoria crackle and burn.
She was gone.
Bella was safe.
His fingers clawed at the dirt.
The flames died down. The sky grew darker, the moon came out. Edward poked at the pile of ashes with his foot. Nothing was left.
She was gone.
Bella was safe.
His fingers clawed at his hair.
And at his chest where the pain burned him.
Until this moment Edward had had a purpose – to keep Bella safe. But now that Victoria was gone, his purpose was gone.
Everything was gone.
He'd hoped the demise of the vicious redhead and her small band of newborns would bring him some sort of relief, but it was still pain that consumed him. Raw, burning, crippling pain that would last eternity.
Eternity.
Eternity without Bella.
Edward wished he'd died in the battle, too. He wished it was his ashes smouldering on the ground; his smoke curling into the air and leaving the earth.
When Edward heard the thoughts of the rogue newborn approaching through the trees, he didn't move, he just hoped the young female would know what to do. As the hands reached for him he stayed still; as the jaws clamped down on his neck he didn't flinch. When the teeth tore into him he merely shut his eyes and welcomed oblivion.
His last thoughts were of Bella.
-0- -0- -0- -0- -0-
Two Years Later...on the campus lawns outside the Library...
Bella's point of view
It's so dark. I can't seem to move and my eyes are heavy. I struggle to open them and a cool hand passes over my forehead, leaving a trail of heat behind.
"Shh, shh, it's alright, Bella, you're alright...shh..."
His voice is so soft, so gentle and soothing, like the calm after a storm. And I realise that's what this is... Edward is here with me and at last my storm is over.
His voice caresses me, consoles me, telling me I'll be alright and for the first time in a long while I feel real peace and I think I want to stay here a while, in this dark quiet place with his touch on my skin and his words in my ears. But then the words stop , and his touch leaves me, and I struggle, frantically trying to drag myself back to the conscious world. In my mind I'm reaching for him, but my arms stay still, they won't co-operate. I strain to listen but can hear nothing over the sound of my blood as it pounds now in my ears. But then someone calls my name.
"Bella? Bella?"
A hand taps my cheek, but its touch is warm.
"Bella? Can you hear me?"
At last my eyes open and meet Alex's blue gaze. He's worried, frowning and asking me if I'm alright. My eyes dart left and right but we seem to be alone.
I struggle to sit but he pushes me back gently onto the grass. The sky is dark above him.
"You fainted. You should probably stay lying down for a few minutes."
I do as I'm told because I'm in no state to argue. My mind is lost, my thoughts are chaotic, and I wonder now as I look around, if I'd imagined everything...the book mark, Edward, hearing his voice, feeling his touch. It's been a long time but I wonder if the hallucinations that haunted me in the first months after he'd gone, have returned. Could I be going crazy again?
"Are you okay?" Alex asks. He runs his hand through my hair, feeling for bumps, I realise when he says, "Yeah, you didn't hit your head."
"I...I thought you'd gone home."
"I started to, but when I got to the parking lot I realised you didn't have your car." He shrugs. "I know you don't live far but it was almost dark...I came back to offer you a lift." He's staring at me warily. "Are you okay?" he asks again. "Want me to take you to a doctor?"
"No," I wait a moment then start to sit up and this time he doesn't stop me. His hands are on my arms, helping.
"You sure you're okay?"
"Just forgot to eat lunch," I lie. "That's all."
And suddenly his expression eases. "Low blood sugar? My mom gets that, too. Come on, I'll take you home, can you stand? Or should I carry you?"
"Stand," I say quickly and he helps me to my feet and we walk slowly to his car. He keeps one hand on my elbow, just in case.
Alex talks as he drives me home. I try to keep track of what he's saying so I can say the right things in the appropriate places, but while I'm trying to think straight my mind is running in ever-faster circles, trying to work out if I'm crazy, and I can't seem to grasp any of the thoughts as they fly past.
Alex walks me to my door and won't leave until he's secured my promise that I'll eat something straight away. I agree because I'm anxious for him to go so I can be alone and think.
"You feel okay?" he asks one more time as he starts to leave.
"I'm fine. And Alex, thank you...I really appreciate you helping me. You've been great." I smile. "I promise I won't do this to you again."
"No worries," he smiles back and heads for the stairs. "But it wasn't all me. You were lucky Edward was there to catch you."
I almost break the key off in the lock.
"What?" I clutch the doorhandle as I stare at Alex. He frowns.
"Edward caught you. Edward Cullen. That's why you didn't hit your head."
"Ed...Edward?" . I wasn't hallucinating again. He had been there.
"I thought you knew,"Alex goes on. "He was headed for the library when you fainted. He caught you before you hit the ground and he was with you when I turned up." Alex takes a few steps towards me again. "I thought you knew he was there, you were saying his name."
"Was I? I...I thought...where did he go?"
Alex is still frowning, his eyes are wary. "I don't know. He said he had to be somewhere and could I manage alone. I said sure."
"So you know him?"
"He's in my sociology class. You sure you're okay? You've gone really pale."
I can tell that I'm creeping Alex out. I put a smile on face and try to look normal.
"Sorry...," I roll my eyes and wave my hand around. "I'm still a bit...spacey. Embarrassed, too, you know, fainting around people I hardly know."
"Oh." Alex relaxes a little, his frown softens. "Yeah, it's okay. Don't worry about it. But I really think you need to eat something right now. Before I go," he adds.
He comes forward now and pushes my door open, leading me inside. Eating is the last thing I want to do, but he makes me sit while he puts together a haphazard sandwich of cheese and chicken and marvels at the fact I have real food in my fridge.
"It's just instant noodles in my kitchen," he grins.
I'm smiling. I need to keep my thoughts and feelings at bay right now while Alex is here, and
somehow I manage. I detach myself, I've become good at that, and it's as if I'm watching a stage play from front row seats and the last hour of my life has happened to someone else.
Alex mentions Edward again as he searches for a plate. "He said you'd only been fully unconscious for less than a minute."
"I should probably thank him," I say.
"If you can find him," Alex smiles. "He comes and goes a bit. Seems a nice enough guy, though. Quiet. Bit unusual."
Comes and goes. Quiet. Unusual. That sounds right.
"Do you know much about him?" I ask. I'm vaguely aware of my nails digging into my palms. Maybe I'm not as detached as I thought.
"Not a lot," he says and hands me my sandwich.
-0- -0- -0-
Once I've eaten Alex leaves. I tell him I'm going to bed but instead I sit on the sofa,
hugging myself while my mind tries to fathom what's going on. But it fails, because this is too big for me to take in. It's too much...seeing Edward again, his cold reaction to me...
But he came back to help you. He didn't let you fall.
The thought is comforting in the confusion of everything else. But then I remember high school, and blood typing and my nausea, and how Edward had carried me in his arms to the nurse's office. But tonight, despite his gentle touch and soothing words, he left me lying on the grass for someone else to look after.
Now I feel like someone has taken an electric beater to my brain. And my heart.
I close my eyes and go over those few minutes outside the library. I relive them, trying to understand, trying to make sense of his cool, impassive expression, his polite words...pleased to meet you, Bella...like we were strangers, like he'd never seen me before.
Like I had never existed.
Tears begin to fall down my cheeks as this new rejection begins to really sink in. It flows like poison through my veins, contaminating the life I've clawed back since he'd left, polluting it with fresh desolation and despair. I wasn't good enough in Forks and now, two years later, I'm still not good enough.
No, worse...now, I'm not even worth his acknowledgement.
Bastard.
Did he think I wouldn't recognise him? Did he think I'd forgotten? What the hell did he think? That it was better to pretend we'd never met?
Suddenly, after all the progress I've made over the past two years, I'm back at square one. I'm back in those woods and Edward Cullen is still telling me I'm not good enough.
The poison evaporates, giving way to anger and it consumes me.
"Bastard," I hiss and pull my hands roughly through my hair.
"Bastard!" I growl and now I'm up, prowling my living room. The space feels too small for the fury that's growing inside me and I open my lungs and scream...
"BASTARD!"
I pick up this morning's coffee mug and hurl it at the wall. It explodes, showering red shards of china over the floor, but it's not enough. Not nearly enough. I throw my sandwich plate and watch it disintegrate. I grab my breakfast bowl from the sink and hurl that too. And the purple scented candle.
As I look around for something else to throw there's frantic knocking at my door. I assume it's Mrs Upshot from next door, complaining about the noise, but when I compose myself a little and open up I see Alice Cullen. And Carlisle. And I know earlier today this would have been a shock, but not now. Edward has wrung the last bit of shock out of me and as I stare at the people who were once like my family and who abandoned me in the blink of an eye...I'm still just angry.
"Alright, then," I say, flinging the door wider and glaring, daring them to enter. "Come in and tell me what the fuck is going on!"
-0- -0- -0-
The moment is surreal as I stand in my small living room with Alice and Carlisle. They look the same of course. I think of all the times I had hoped and wished for something like this, some sort of reunion, contact, anything...but those hopes died long ago. I haven't wished for a while.
Now, my defences are up, I won't let myself be hurt again - not by them, not by him. I'm stronger than that, now. I hope.
No-one seems to know how to start. We stand in awkward silence, my chest heaving and my eyes glaring, until Carlisle finally speaks.
"We understand we might not be welcome; it's very good of you to see us, Bella. Thank you."
His words disarm me. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't acknowledgement that I might not want them. And now, in the face of that, and Carlisle's politeness and the genuine care and concern I see in his eyes, my anger begins to dull. And maybe their appearance has shocked me. I've only sworn like that maybe three times in my life and now, despite my anger, I feel slightly ashamed that one of those times was aimed at Carlisle Cullen.
Carlisle Cullen who is standing in my living room. With Alice.
I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed.
"Um, sorry about...before," I mutter, reclaiming part of my better nature. "Would you like to sit down?"
But my defences are still up. I've become stiff and formal and I motion to the sofa and take the rocking chair for myself. It creaks and groans as I sit. "Edward's not with you?" With great effort I make his name fall casually from my lips.
"No."
"But I did see him tonight, didn't I? That's why you're here, isn't it?"
Despite my attempt at cool my tell-tale heart is hammering in my chest and I know they can hear it.
I turn to Alice, the girl who was like a sister to me. She's biting her lip, twisting her hands in her lap and blinking her eyes as though she might cry and I feel a chink in my armour.
A tear slides down my cheek.
This is Alice.
"I've missed you," she whispers.
I've missed her too. So much.
I've missed them all so much.
The chink gets bigger, another tear is all the tiny vampire needs and a second later I'm engulfed in her stony hug.
"I'msorryI'msorryI'm'sorry," she chants as I cling to her now, hugging her too. Her embrace is cold, but I haven't felt so warm in so long. "I'm so, so sorry..." she whispers.
"We all are," Carlisle murmurs softly and over Alice's shoulder I can see sorrow and remorse etched in his features now. "What we did was wrong. We should never have left you that way."
I nod, agreeing with him, and sniff, wiping at my eyes as Alice pulls back. She doesn't go back to the sofa, but sits on the floor beside the rocking chair, holding my hand.
"It was wrong," I sniff again. "No-one said goodbye, no-one explained, you were just gone."
Carlisle reaches out, taking my other hand for a moment, and apologises once more. Through his touch I can feel his regret.
"I'm assuming it was Edward's idea?" I say, wiping at my eyes.
"It was never his desire to hurt you," Carlisle says. "But at the time it seemed..." he breaks off, seemingly to gather his thoughts. "Edward believed there was no other way. Your safety was paramount to him and he was adamant..."
Alice shakes her head a little. "He wasn't just adamant, Carlisle, he was unreachable." She turns to me. "That night, he wouldn't be reasoned with, you couldn't talk to him, he was like a crazy person..."
"So you all just went along with him?" My tone is just this side of accusatory, until I realise what they've said. "He was upset about leaving?"
"Distraught," Carlisle answers simply.
The world stops spinning...then starts again at triple time.
"He told me he didn't want me anymore," I whisper. I'm almost too scared to think what this means. "He said I'd been a distraction..."
Carlisle winces and Alice drops her eyes.
"He lied to you." I feel her hand gently squeeze mine. "He always loved you."
The small part of my brain that always wondered if he'd lied starts yelling that it told me so.
"He was trying to protect me, wasn't he?"
"Yes."
"Did you know...?"
"That he lied? Not until later," Carlisle says. "Not until the damage was done. Not until we'd already gone."
Edward lied because he loved me. He left because he loved me. He has always loved me. And I don't know what to do with this new knowledge, on top of everything else it's way too much and all I can do now...is cry.
But as the tears flow and Alice pulls me onto the sofa and into her arms, I'm not only crying for me...I'm crying for him too, for what he's done to himself, to us. For the hurt and the waste and the loss.
"Stupid, stupid vampire," I gulp and hiccough as Alice hands me the tissue box from the side table. "Stupid, arrogant…when I get hold of him..."
"You still love him?" Alice asks.
My body shudders with sobs.
"I've tried not to."
It's true, I've tried and tried not to love Edward Cullen, but it's like trying not to be five feet four. Or trying not to have brown hair. I can wear heels, I can use dye, but they just cover up what I am. And what I am…is in love with Edward Cullen. I always will be. Even if twenty minutes ago I wanted to rip his head off.
I don't how long I cry, but it feels like an age before I finally lift my head and sniff my last. Alice's designer shirt is stained with regret and pain. I touch the silk collar gently.
"Sorry," I say. "I think I ruined your shirt."
She actually snorts, a delicate little sound. "Like I'm worried," she says and I smile weakly.
"You have others?"
"Tonnes."
Of course she does. This is Alice.
I rub my eyes and Carlisle brings me a glass of water. I drink it gratefully while he begins to clean up the devastation on the floor.
"Please don't worry..." I start to say but he's finished before I get the sentence out.
"All done," he smiles, dumping my broken crockery in the rubbish bin. He sets the purple scented candle on the side table and sits in the rocking chair now as I sit next to Alice.
"I thought I'd cried myself out a long time ago," I murmur. "Guess I was wrong." I take a deep breath and pull myself together. I need a cool head now if the Cullens are back and I'm going to get to the bottom of all this.
"Okay," I say, pushing my hair back from my face and pulling myself together. "Where is he? I have to see him..."
Carlisle holds up a hand and I stop.
"What?"
"There are some things we need to explain," he says, and though his lips are smiling his eyes are wary.
"What things? You mean about tonight...," I stop, needing to clarify exactly what they know before I get too wrapped up in my questions. "I'm guessing you know what happened when I ran into him at the library tonight?" I look back and forth between them.
"We know," Alice says. "I saw it just before it happened. It was quite a shock to see you there, in the vision, with Edward." She shares a look with Carlisle.
"It was very unexpected," he says.
I blink at Alice, surprised. "So you didn't already know I was in Portland?"
"No," she shakes her head. "Actually, I've not been able to see you clearly for a long time now. I get flashes, they come and go, but that's all." She looks down at our hands. "I think it's because we haven't been a part of each other's lives...the visions are always strongest for the people closest to me. Not that we weren't close," she looks up quickly. "You were like my sister, I don't mean..."
I shake my head, letting her know it's okay. "But you saw your brother's reaction to me?"
"Yes," Alice whispers. "And your reaction, too."
"Are you feeling alright now?" Carlisle asks. He leans forward, elbows on his knees, and looks closely at me. I know he's probably checking my eyes for signs of concussion or something.
"I'm fine. I just want to know what's going on. Do you know why Edward was acting like we'd never met? It was like he'd never even..."
"Bella..." Carlisle interrupts gently and takes a slow breath. "Edward doesn't know who you are. He has no idea at all."
His words stop me in my tracks.
"That's not possible." I look from one to the other. "You're saying he has amnesia? What, he got a bump on the head and forgot about me?" I can hear my voice rising in disbelief, this is laughable. "He's a vampire," I tell them, as if they didn't know. "He has flawless memory, perfect recall..."
"It's not amnesia, as such," Carlisle interrupts again, stopping me before I get too worked up.
"What then?"
"It's a long story," Carlisle sighs and I feel Alice's hand grip mine harder. She gives me a weak smile.
"Get ready for a bumpy ride," she says.
As Carlisle begins I can see from his expression, from the way his body is rigid in the chair, that this is hard for him to talk about. I wonder if it will be hard for me to listen.
And it is.
My heart breaks as Carlisle talks about Edward's unbearable pain when he left me, how the only things that kept him going were his belief that he was doing the right thing for me - and his plan to kill Victoria.
At the mention of that name I sink back into the sofa, stunned.
"But the wolves chased her away..." I murmur.
Alice and Carlisle look at me and I manage to give them a vaguely coherent rundown of Jake and the pack and Victoria and Laurent - how the wolves killed him and chased her away. But I don't give Carlisle or Alice any time to digest this latest piece of news; I want to know more about Edward.
Alice tells me about the tracking, the false leads, and how Edward finally discovered Victoria outside Seattle, training up a band of newborns to help her get back into Forks and destroy me.
"We all fought," Alice says. "In woods outside the city. Edward killed Victoria himself, but
afterwards..." she trails off and looks at Carlisle uncertainly.
"What? What happened?"
Carlisle sighs. "We're not certain. The battle was over, there were no more newborns, Victoria was dead and Edward wanted to be alone to watch her burn." I shiver and Carlisle nods as a dark shadow passes over his face. "But he didn't come out of the woods. When we went to find him..." Carlisle drops his head. "He'd been harmed. I won't go into the details."
I feel the world shrink away from me and I have to catch my breath.
"Injured? But, he's..." I search for the word. "Indestructible! He stops trucks with his bare hands, he can't get harmed."
"He's immortal, not indestructible," Carlisle corrects me, gently. "It takes a lot to harm or kill a vampire, but it can be done."
And I know this, I was there when James was ripped apart by Alice and Emmett and Jasper, but in my mind Edward is, and always has been, unbreakable.
"But you saved him, right? Because it wasn't a ghost I saw tonight."
"No, not a ghost. It was him." Carlisle smiles wryly but then his face becomes serious again. "But a different him."
"Different?"
"Bella, something attacked Edward in those woods, no doubt a newborn we'd missed, and..."
"But wouldn't he fight it off?" I interrupt.
"I would have thought so," Carlisle says darkly. "That's what we don't understand, and he doesn't remember. We don't know exactly what happened in that clearing."
"But Edward...?"
"I was able to treat Edward's injuries," Carlisle goes on. "Physically he recovered very quickly."
Physically.
Now things start falling into place. I take a slow breath and close my eyes as I fill in the blanks.
"But when he'd recovered he didn't remember me." I can barely get the words out. Carlisle leans forward now, he reaches out to take my hand gently. My eyes open slowly, heavily. My heart doesn't know whether to fly or sink; on one hand I have a reason for his actions tonight, but on the other...he doesn't remember me. I turn away, staring at the darkness through the window as Carlisle speaks.
"Bella, after we left Forks, killing Victoria was an obsession for Edward...keeping you safe was the only reason he kept existing and once he'd fulfilled that responsibility, once she was dead...I believe he couldn't live with the pain of leaving you."
"So his mind blocked me out."
"I think it was either that or self-destruction."
Suddenly I need air. This space is too small and I feel like all the pain, mine and Edward's, is suffocating me. I go to the window and throw it open and stick my head out.. The night air is cold and I take deep, gulping breaths while my heart shatters and burns. I whisper his name into the darkness and it breaks on my lips. My hands clutch at the window sill.
"Bella?" Alice is behind me. "Bella?"
"Hasn't he seen me in your thoughts?" I gasp, whirling around and staring at them both. Carlisle is standing now too. My face feels wet and I wipe at it with my sleeve. It seems I've been crying again and haven't even realised. "Or doesn't anyone think of me?"
"Bella, Edward has lost his gift."
It takes a while for Carlisle's words to register. I blink at him, dumbly.
"You're saying he can't read minds now?"
"That's right."
I don't even know what to say to this. It's like I'm so full of pain and confusion right now I don't have room for anything else and this latest piece of news just sits on the surface, unable to be absorbed.
Carlisle seems to understand and answers the question I can't even think to ask.
"The only theory I can come up with is that when his subconscious locked away everything painful it's done it very, very thoroughly. His mind won't even let him be reminded through the thoughts of others."
"But, it's part of him," I say, bewildered. "Can he do that, just shut it off?"
"Apparently. The human brain is a mystery to doctors, I'm at a complete loss with a vampire one."
"Especially Edward's" Alice adds.
"But he depends on the mind reading, how has he coped..." I trail off, still trying to grasp this.
"It's been a struggle," Carlisle admits and I can see in his face, and hear in his voice, just what a struggle it has been. "He's had to learn to read people soley by their faces and voices and body language. He was very lost, and very angry for a while. In some ways he was like a newborn again."
"But now?"
"He's learnt to manage."
Oh, Edward...
I have no words, nothing. I stare down at my feet thinking about my poor, lost vampire. I hug myself, wishing I could hug him.
"Does he remember anything about Forks? Anything at all?"
My question is met with a shake of the head from Alice. She takes my hand and leads me back to the sofa. Carlisle takes his place again in the rocking chair. Funny, it doesn't creak when he sits in it.
"He remembers some things from before you arrived," Alice says, softly. "He knows Victoria was a threat to the town and he believes that was why we went after her. And he knows his injuries have caused part of his memory to go missing. It frustrated him, but compared to losing the mind reading, the memory loss didn't really rate." I nod, understanding that would be the case. "But he also believes, based on what he does remember of Forks, that he's not missing anything important." She frowns. "I'm sorry."
I drop my head into my hands and in the silence around me I try to let it all sink in. I absorb and digest and I wonder what all this will mean. Quiet sounds I normally don't hear are amplified – the clock ticking, the hum of the refrigerator. Outside a cat yowls in the distance. I stare back at the open window, watching the gauzy curtain fluttering in the cold breeze. The fabric ripples and waves, moving in and out of the window in a smooth even rhythm. I realise it's a long time since I've wondered if Edward will ever come through my window again.
And suddenly, I know. I know what I have to do.
"I have to tell him," I say, jerking my head up and I'm on my feet again, pacing the room as my mind races and the words tumble from my mouth and it's a huge effort not to go running out the door, I want so desperately to go to him, and hold him. "I have to tell him. He has to know it's me and everything will be alright, we'll be okay. He'll remember, I know he will, if he gets my scent..." I stop and turn, staring at Alice and Carlisle. "Why didn't my scent effect him? When I saw him outside the library he didn't even flinch." Not the merest twitch of a nostril. "Why?"
I watch Carlisle and Alice exchange a look. Another shock awaits me.
According to Alice, my scent has changed. Not a lot, it's very subtle, but obviously just enough that it doesn't effect Edward the way it used to. Enough that she and Carlisle noticed as soon as I opened the door.
"Are you serious?" I look from one vampire to the other. "How? How can that happen?"
"I can't be sure," Carlisle answers. "But I can make an educated guess."
Apparently stress can do it and I gape at Carlisle as he explains, very delicately, how ongoing, long-term emotional strain can cause chemical changes in a human body.
My hand goes to my hair. It used to have waves, but it's straight now. And not quite so thick. My period stopped for months after Edward left me and it's only this last year that it's made a shaky, irregular return. The doctor in Florida told me all this was caused by stress. I guess my scent being effected too isn't such a big leap.
I blink at Carlisle.
"Oh...well, I guess that will make it easier for Edward, and once I've told...,"
"Bella, I know you want to tell Edward the truth," Carlisle interrupts gently, "But I'm going to ask you please not to do that."
"What?" I stare at him, dumbfounded.
"Please."
"No!" I throw my hands in the air. How can he even suggest that? "No. You can't keep this from him anymore, not now..."
Carlisle puts a careful, calming hand on my upper arm and I stop. His voice is gentle but firm when he speaks.
"Bella, Edward has gone to enormous trouble to block out something incredibly painful, and I believe he's done this purely to survive. So, he needs to remember in his own time, when his subconscious believes he's ready to handle it, and not before. Obviously I can't tell you what to do, but if you speak with Edward again I must stress that it would be better if you didn't tell him you have a shared past, or what has happened between you. It could do him a lot more harm than good."
He watches me closely, his vampire eyes not dangerous, but serious and stern…he means this. And though every instinct is still telling me to run to Edward right now and tell him who I am and what we mean to each other, I can see the sense in what Carlisle is saying, I can see the importance of what he's telling me. And what would I say to Edward? Hi, I'm the love of your life, but you cut me out of your memory because of the awful way we broke up. Yeah, I can see that going down well.
"How long?" I know, even before I finish the words, that there's no answer.
"We have no way of knowing," Carlisle says. "He could remember everything tomorrow, next week, a hundred years from now."
My eyes close and I shiver at the thought of Edward remembering in a hundred years, when I'm gone.
"I understand," I nod and Carlisle smiles, his eyes and body relax.
"Thank you, Bella." He hand gives my arm a gentle squeeze, then he lets go but he doesn't sit. Instead he runs his fingers over his chin - it seems he's considering his next words carefully.
"May I ask you something?" he says. His tone is apologetic now and I tense, wondering what's coming next, wondering if I can take anymore – I don't think I can.
"Um, okay," I say nervously.
"Bella, we've given you a great deal to take in and I know you'll need time to think, but, it would be presumptive of us to assume that you would still hope for a future with Edward."
"Oh..."
"It's clear you still care for him, love him, but you might have moved on, you might have different plans for yourself that would not ultimately include him, and if you have, I understand, of course. But if that is the case, then for Edward's sake, I ask you not to make contact with him. Don't try to be his friend because if he comes to remember you, and you want different things, I don't think he could lose you twice."
His words come like a jolt. And it's true, I have started making plans for a future without Edward, I've had no choice but to do that. But my heart hasn't moved on. It never will.
"I've not moved on," I say simply. "Not how you mean."
Carlisle smiles. "I'm also thinking of you, Bella."
"Me?"
"For your sake, if you do seek him out, if you do want to try to re-establish a friendship, or more, you must realise that Edward might not. For him it would be starting from a new beginning, and this time, for whatever reason, he might not choose the path he did before. He might decide to keep his distance."
"But, if he loves me..."
I can see pain in Carlisle's eyes now. "Right now he doesn't remember that he loves you. He doesn't know. I'm sorry."
Those words seem to sum it all up. Edward hasn't just forgotten me, he's forgotten that he loves me. Somehow this realisation hurts even more and I wonder how it's possible that he could see me tonight and not know what he felt, what he still feels, deep inside, locked away. My mind sifts through memories of our perfect summer together, the playfulness, the laughter and kisses, the gentle touches...all forgotten.
I can feel my heart grinding to a halt and I sway a little on my feet. Alice reaches for my hand and pulls me down onto the sofa. Carlisle crouches in front of me. I look at him, lost. He touches my cheek gently, a small caress of support and comfort.
"I wish I had happier things to tell you," he says. "But you also need to consider that the reasons Edward left are still there. You're still from very different worlds, there is still an element of danger. If his memory does return there's no knowing what decisions he will make."
"Are you trying to scare me off?"
He shakes his head. "I just want you to think very carefully. For both your sakes. I don't want either of you to be hurt again."
"So, you're saying, I could lose him twice, too?"
"I am."
There's silence again and I stare down at the floor, at an old cigarette burn in the carpet that I hadn't noticed before.
"What's he like now?" I ask. "Is he very different?"
"Not very," Alice whispers and strokes my hair. "He's still Edward. He still loves his cars, and his music. He plays the piano a lot. He hates wrestling with Emmett or Jasper because he can't pick their next moves out of their brains, but we can play chess with him now. And card games." I lean against her, my head resting on her rock-hard shoulder. "His patience is less than it was."
"It was never very good."
"No," I can hear her smiling. "It wasn't. He likes to be alone a lot now," she says quietly. "Even more than before." Her hand is still moving over my hair. After everything it feels so comforting and I wish I could just stay here like this for a while and let the world fall away.
"Is he happy?"
"He wants to be."
I close my eyes as I nestle against Alice and I think over Carlisle's words.
Even if I approach Edward with friendship, he might not want to pursue it. The thought slices at my heart and I wonder if I can put myself at risk again. Can I survive losing him a second time? Can I take the chance?
Just as defeat and desolation begin to wash over me, a tiny spark of light comes through the gloom – a small beacon of hope.
"He came back for my bookmark," I say softly, sitting up straight and lifting my eyes to look at Carlisle, then Alice. "That must mean something, mustn't it?"
Carlisle smiles, surprise in his eyes, and Alice grins.
"In that case," Carlisle smiles wider, "I suggest you let nature take its course."
-0- -0- -0-
By the time Alice and Carlisle leave it's midnight and I have a new direction. We've talked and talked and talked and though I'm beyond tired I lie in my bed with sleep nowhere in sight.
I'll take Carlisle's advice and won't be seeking Edward out directly. I'll let things happen naturally, in their own time, however hard that will be for me knowing he's here, in the same city, at the same school...but this isn't about me. It's about him.
Let nature take it's course has become my mantra.
I roll onto my side and stare out the window. Amongst other things tonight I've learned that Edward is the only Cullen at college; he's studying psychology this time around, no doubt trying to find answers to his lost memory and his vanished gift. He's also in the process of choosing a new car and has tickets for a jazz concert next Friday. Tonight he's at home, sitting in his room reading, according to Alice.
I asked about the rest of the family and Alice has been busy researching her human past with Jasper helping her. Rosalie and Emmett are temporarily absent, in Alaska visiting friends. Carlisle works night shifts and cloudy days at a local hospital and Esme is doing some quiet behind-the-scenes charity work. Alice has suggested I come to the house sometimes when Edward isn't there, but I've said no. It's not that I don't want to see them - I do, although if I'm honest I'm nervous at the thought of laying eyes on Jasper again...but it will be hard enough pretending to Edward that I'm a stranger without making secret visits to his family behind his back. And I'm being careful, I'm not ready to go rushing back into the Cullen fold. I don't want to get too attached to them all again, in case this all comes to nothing. However, I've let my little spiky-haired pixie friend know she's welcome to visit me anytime she wants. That made her giggle, and the sound rang like silver bells in my ears and made me smile too.
But now I wonder when I will get my chance to pretend that I'm that stranger.
Let nature take its course.
The building creaks. The wind rattles at the window. I hug my pillow and stare out at the blackness pin-pricked with silver. I wonder what Edward's Portland bedroom looks like. Does he have his leather couch? Is he lying on it, stretched out with one arm behind his head, one leg bent at the knee so he can rest his book against his thigh? I've seen him in that pose so many times.
So many images, so many memories. I've gone so long pushing them back and now that I'm letting them come they're overwhelming. They come and they come and so do my tears.
Finally I yawn and fall asleep as dawn approaches.
-0- -0- -0-
A week later I sit in the library, waiting for Alex.
I've seen Edward only once more in the last seven days. He came out of the Administration block on Friday, heading across the lawns towards the Arts faculty. His hands were in the pockets of his jeans. He had a satchel bag slung casually over his shoulder. At one point he pushed his hair back from his face and the small, familiar action made my heart twist and burn.
He never looked in my direction.
But everyone was looking in his. He still turns heads, of course. He looked like he'd just walked off a photo shoot for a glossy magazine and I realise now why he wasn't surprised that I knew his name when I called after him last Tuesday - every girl on campus probably knows his name.
I've spent hours on the internet researching repressed memories and motivated forgetting. I'm living in a constant state of nervous anticipation, my eyes scour the campus and the streets wherever I go, waiting to see him again, wondering if we'll get the chance to speak. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Let nature take its course.
I chew on my pencil and open my text book.
But what if nature says no?What if Edward says no?
What if it was always my scent and my uniquely silent mind that attracted him, and without those things...I'm nothing?
It's not the first time this week I've had that thought, and like the other times it has trampled through my mind I push it away.
I think instead about tomorrow, and my first day at my new job. The money I saved from my job in Florida is running out fast and while I missed out on the bookshop job I really wanted, I've managed to get myself a place at a music store not far from the campus. The manager was impressed with my eclectic knowledge - from indie to classical. I can thank Edward for that - most of my music knowledge comes from him. And like that my mind is back to him again. I roll my eyes and force myself to concentrate on my assignment.
I check the time on my phone. Alex should have been here fifteen minutes ago.
I flick through the pages of my text book. Tudor England, the plague, religious reformation, King Henry VIII, Queen Elizabeth I. I turn to the chapter on Mary Queen of Scots and start making notes.
The chair opposite me moves.
"You're late," I whisper without looking up.
"I didn't know you were expecting me."
My pencil breaks as my head snaps up. Edward Cullen is smiling at me carefully, crookedly.
"Hello," he says. "You're looking much better than the last time I saw you."
A/N: Thank you for reading. And thank you for all the lovely reviews, they make me smile and mean so much. Next chapter...as soon as I can, hopefully within a week.