Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.
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I am standing wrapped in Edward's arms; he holds me gently against his chest, my cheek pressed over his silent heart.
And he has just said he loves me.
My heart is soaring and singing and it beats hard enough for the both of us.
"I didn't expect this," he whispers. "I was coming to ask you if we could talk."
I pull back slightly, just enough to look up into his face.
"How did you know I was here?"
"The invitation was on your kitchen counter," he smiles and now I remember - that was the night of my new birthday. "I know I should have waited until tomorrow, but...I'm not always the most patient of men." He shrugs and I beam at him.
The night air is cool but I barely notice that my skin is pebbling. Edward moves his arms, releasing me so he can open his coat and wrap me up inside, bringing me out of the cold. He pulls me close again and I feel him press his cheek to the top of my head. The breeze scatters leaves and litter along the footpath, circling them around our feet.
I nestle against him, burrowing into the softness of the thick sweater he's wearing, cocooned by his body and his coat. He laughs softly, a deep chuckle of wonder and contentment that I can feel rumbling in his chest. "I really, really didn't expect this." His arms squeeze me very gently and I squeeze him back, as tight as I can.
I didn't expect this either. I had hoped Edward would want to try again, but I didn't think I'd be wrapped inside his coat just moments after he's returned and seconds after he's told me he loves me. Unless, maybe he's remembered...
"Has your memory...have you remembered something?" I tilt my face so I can see him and he gives me a soft smile as he slowly shakes his head.
"No. Nothing at all." His shoulders move with an apologetic shrug. "The Bella and Edward you talked about are still strangers to me, I'm sorry." He lifts his hand and his fingers just barely caress my cheek. He sighs now. "And we do have to talk. I wish things were as simple as holding you, but they're not."
I nod. "I know." And I have lots of questions. I want to know where he's been and how long he's been back, but I don't want to focus on anything else right now except his arms around me. But a chill thought comes creeping and suddenly my body tenses.
"The talk...it's not a goodbye talk is it? You are staying?" My breathing stops and the half second it takes for him to answer feels like hours.
"Definitely staying," he murmurs, smiling, and he tucks me snugly back under his chin. "I'm here for as long as you'll have me. All the decisions are yours, Bella."
All the decisions are mine? Really?
"Bella!" Scott's appalling timing shatters my thoughts and brings me back to the real world and suddenly I'm aware that Edward and I are standing on a footpath, outside an old warehouse that is blaring techno music and spilling over with all manner of ghouls and spooks and look-a-like celebrities. "Are you coming in or what?"
I turn, looking over the top of Edward's arm that is still wrapped around me. Scott is standing just inside the wide double-doors.
"I thought you were right behind me," he steps back onto the footpath, arms across his chest, maybe trying to look tough, perhaps trying to keep out the cold. The gladiator costume probably wasn't a good idea. "Hey, is this Edward?"
"Um, yes."
I turn to face Scott properly now. Edward releases me from his coat but he takes my hand and holds on. He strokes his thumb over mine.
"Edward, this is Scott. We work together. I like to call him Spartacus," I add with a smirk.
Scott makes a face at me then offers his hand to Edward. They nod and I register the slight flicker of surprise in Scott's eyes when he touches Edward's skin.
"Yeah, it's cold out tonight, isn't it?" he says conversationally.
"It is," Edward agrees.
"You coming in?" Scott turns to me and jerks his head towards the door. "You should see Alison." He grins and shakes his head. "It's always the people you least expect." And with that cryptic comment he moves back inside.
"You should go and join your friends," Edward smiles at me. "I can wait."
I shake my head – now he's here, I'm not letting him go.
"Come in with me, we'll just stay a minute, I'll find Alison, say hello and then we can go talk."
I tug on Edward's hand and watch his face as he looks towards the warehouse and I'm relieved when he smiles and nods.
It's dark inside the warehouse, and hot, and the flashing lights make it difficult to see - people appear as jerky, disjointed flashes of motion and colour. Scott is already lost somewhere in the crowd and my eyes scan the sea of dancers for Alison - I should have asked Scott what she was wearing. I feel Edward's fingers tense around mine and when I look up I see his jaw is tight, his eyes narrowed as he studies the scene in front of him and I begin to wonder if it's too much - the scents of so many gyrating humans in a hot, confined place. I search again for Alison - I just want to get out of here and be alone with Edward. Suddenly I think I see her in the distance - she's dressed as Alice in Wonderland, talking to the DJ. I reach up on my toes to speak into Edward's ear then realise that of course he'll hear me over the noise, I don't have to shout - but still he lowers his head for me. The small gesture makes me smile.
"Alison is over there..." I wave my arm, pointing. "I'll be right back." It's probably quicker if I move through the crowd by myself, and if Edward is feeling uncomfortable I don't want to make it worse by dragging him with me into the thick of a heaving mass of humanity. I let go of his hand; he seems unsure for a moment but then nods.
The crowd surges and rolls, the music pulses and throbs - I can feel it vibrating through my body as I push my way through. I am bumped and jostled and have to keep the straw hat on my head with my hand; there must be almost two hundred people here - a collection of zombies and witches, naughty nurses and skeletons and gladiators, pirates and princesses. There are gorillas and Scooby Doo, Ghostbusters and a Pillsbury Doughboy. And of course there are vampires and I wonder what Edward makes of that.
Alison is talking to the DJ, except that it's not Alison after all - it's another girl with long blonde hair.
"Sorry," I shout over the noise. "I thought you were Alison."
The girl smiles and points. "She's over there, by the fire exit." I turn and look at the small group of people laughing by the door with the faded green Exit light above it, and my mouth drops open. Scott is right - it is always the ones you least expect.
There is no blonde ponytail and ballet flats today - Alison is in thigh high stiletto boots. Her long black wig matches the black corset she wears. Her long gloves are fingerless and reveal blood red talons, the same colour as her lips. Her eyes are darkened with kohl and she hurries over when she sees me.
"Bella! Oh, Bella, you look so cute!" she gushes at me loudly.
"Thanks. You look...good, too," I shout back. "Very different."
She laughs. "I know! I'm having such an incredible time, isn't it a cool party? It was so much work for us to organise but I think it's worth it. Are you having fun?" But she gives me no time to answer before she is grabbed by a passing zombie and she dances off, swallowed up by the crowd. I don't think I'll ever look at Alison the same way again.
As I begin to plow my way back to Edward I see Scott dancing with a cowgirl who is wearing the shortest denim shorts I've ever seen. Her ten gallon hat is on his head, and she wears his gladiator helmet. I jostle my way over and shout in Scott's ear that I'm leaving now. He nods and grins and gives me the thumbs up; he only needed the ride here, he's always had different plans for making his way home and right now I think the cowgirl is part of those plans.
I head back towards the entrance where I left Edward, pushing my way through as the music becomes faster and more frantic and the crowd responds - they're like wind-up toys whose keys have been turned too far.
From nowhere a ghost appears in front of me - a sheet with eye holes cut out, it bobs and weaves as it dances. I smile and try to go around but it blocks my way, not letting me pass.
"Dance with me?" the ghost shouts and a hand extends from beneath the sheet.
I shake my head and smile and make to move around him again but once more I'm blocked and on the densely-packed dance floor there is not a lot of room for me to maneuver easily.
"Aww, come on..." the ghost takes a hold of my wrist. "It'll be fun!"
Immediately I pull my arm back, tugging my wrist quickly out of his grasp and my straw hat falls to the floor as I glare.
"I'm here with someone!" I shout, and suddenly that someone is right there, beside me.
Drawn up to his full six feet two, Edward towers over the ghost, glaring a death glare, and the polycotton spectre shrinks away quickly, disappearing into the crowd.
"Thank you," I smile at Edward.
"You okay?" he bends his head and speaks into my ear as he gently takes my hand. His other hand sweeps my hat up from the floor.
"Yeah. I think he just wanted to dance."
Edward straightens and nods but he's on edge. His eyes are darting over the crowd, his hold on my hand tightens.
"Do you want to dance?" he asks suddenly, looking down at me. "Because if you want to we can."
"No, I don't dance."
He frowns. "Should I know that?"
"Er, yeah."
He nods again, the frown deepens. "Okay, no dancing."
"But I am ready to get out of here."
My fingers squeeze his and now Edward flashes me a smile. He sets the hat on my head, it's battered and bent now, and he tows me behind him as he strides through the crowd. He cuts an easy path and it's as though the dancers move back for him without even noticing that they're doing it. As we reach the wide double doors a slightly drunk Marilyn Monroe stops us.
"Hey!" She squints at Edward, her synthetic blonde head cocked to the side as she studies his long dark coat. "I don't get your costume. What have you come as?"
"Mafia hitman." Edward doesn't miss a beat and the girl grins.
"Oh yeah, now I see it. Cool," she giggles.
I'm giggling too as we step out onto the footpath. "Did you really come as a mafia hitman?" I tease.
He shakes his head. "Vampire," he mouths and shoots me a quick grin before he looks up and down the street and asks, "Your car or mine?"
-0-
We drive to my apartment in Edward's car. Holding hands over the console, he steers with just two fingers and I watch his profile in the dark, smiling when he turns to look at me, too. His edginess and unease that were so apparent in the warehouse have gone now, and after the noise and frenetic energy of the party the car is quiet and peaceful and we spend our journey in silence. His thumb strokes over my knuckles softly. I know we have to talk, I know there is still so much to sort through, but right now I just sink into the leather seat and savour this moment - he's back; he's staying. His thumb strokes my knuckles again.
"You sure you don't mind missing the party?" he asks and I shake my head.
"No. Not at all." I squeeze his hand and he smiles. "And thank you for coming in with me; I know it couldn't have been comfortable for you, with so many scents."
"For that short amount of time it wasn't particularly uncomfortable," he smiles. "I've been to nightclubs before, and concerts, with more people than that." He looks at me, a slightly puzzled look on his face. "Did I do something to make you think I was uncomfortable?"
"No, not really." Now I'm wondering if I imagined it and Edward's curious, expectant gaze is on me. I shrug. "It's nothing. I just thought you seemed a bit tense when we walked in, and when you rescued me from that ghost. Thanks again for that."
He nods, acknowledging my thanks, but he frowns and his lips thin in a hard line. His jaw is hard again and I know now that I hadn't imagined anything.
"You okay?" I ask, watching him stare hard at the road as we drive and wishing I'd never said anything. It's a moment before he answers, as if he's debating whether to speak or not.
"I couldn't read their minds," he finally murmurs and it sounds like his teeth are clenched. He lets go of the steering wheel and pulls his hand through his hair – his voice is loaded with frustration now. "There were so many masks, and that ghost...I couldn't see his face, I couldn't guess his intentions. It made me tense."
I'm not sure what to say. I don't even know if there is anything I can say, but this gives me a glimpse into his life since he lost his gift…and my heart burns for him.
"I'm still learning to read people." He frowns as we pull up at a red light and his fingers drum on the steering wheel. "If I can't see their faces..." he trails off. I squeeze his hand again, hard.
"You took care of the ghost for me."
Edward blinks at me, his face smooth and blank now as he registers my words. Then a small smile starts on his lips.
"I did."
I squeeze his hand again and he looks down where our fingers join and his smile grows and warms. He lifts our hands and his eyes travel to mine as he lowers his face over my knuckles. His intention is clear and my heart skips and I smile as his perfect lips just barely brush my skin. Even this small touch leaves me breathless.
He sets our hands back down as the light turns green and I turn to stare out the window while my heart resumes normal function. I find myself wondering if he'll stay with me all night, like he used to.
We're driving through a more residential area now and I watch the parades of children trick-or-treating on the streets.
"Halloween has moved a long way from its original traditions," I murmur. "People used to stay indoors, too scared to come out."
The moon is bright in the sky, a silver orb that casts eerie shadows on the little ghouls and goblins with their plastic pumpkin buckets full of candy.
"Do you think ghosts really do wander the earth tonight?"
When I hear Edward snort I look up, surprised.
"What?" I ask.
He's smirking as he watches the road. "Ghosts? There's no such thing, Bella."
I bite my lip, trying not to giggle. No such thing as ghosts? So says the vampire.
-0-
My apartment is dark and I walk carefully across the living room to the lamp in the corner; it sheds a soft, warm glow that pools in the corner and softly embraces the room - much nicer than the bright overhead light. I hear the click of the front door as it closes and I turn to see Edward standing with his hands in his pockets. His long coat is draped over one of the stools at the breakfast bar. The smile he offers me is shy.
We stare at each other and suddenly I feel nervous; the mood is tense now. I drop down onto the sofa, hoping he'll join me, but he goes instead to the rocking chair and sits there, like the night I helped with his assignment. He pushes his sleeves up then stares at the floor as he rubs his hands along his thighs in a nervous and surprisingly human way.
"The worst part of all this," he begins without preamble, "...is knowing how much I've hurt you."
My breathing hitches, he's getting straight to the point, and he raises his eyes slowly, looking at me through his dark lashes. "I am so very sorry."
"It's okay..." I start quickly but stop when he shakes his head and I know I have to let him do this. I swallow and nod for him to continue.
"What you said in the clearing on Sunday, about how I left you in Forks, and the things my family told me this evening..." He shakes his head as shame fills his eyes and he drops his gaze again. "It is beyond my comprehension how I could have been so deliberately cruel."
My eyes are brimming and I blink hard. I don't know what to say to him while a small part of my brain registers that he's seen his family again.
"You thought you were protecting me," I whisper.
Edward leans forward now, resting his elbows on his knees, steepling his fingers beneath his chin as he looks at me.
"I was cruel."
"Cruel to be kind." The well-worn phrase spills automatically from my lips because I don't want him to feel bad, but I don't really feel the conviction of my words - there was nothing kind about what happened. And it seems Edward feels the same. His voice comes with a grim edge.
"Where was the kindness, Bella? What did my cruelty achieve? Because it seems to me that neither of us fared very well out of my lies."
"No," I admit. "We didn't fare very well. Neither of us." I pick up the throw pillow and hug it.
"And yet you welcomed me back into your life..." His voice softens. So do his eyes.
"I welcomed you back because I understand. And because I love you."
His eyes warm and melt into mine.
"I know," he sighs, and then frowns as though he's trying to fathom it. "And knowing that you love me is what has got me through these last three days, once I'd calmed down enough to think clearly. It made me see my family's actions differently." His face darkens, the frown deepens. "But my family never intended to hurt me. But I did intend to hurt you. I must have known what my lies would do to you." He rubs his hands over his face before letting them drop, loose, into his lap. "That night here, when you were upset about your birthday...the feelings I felt, the fury that someone had hurt you...and then later to find out it was me?" His voice breaks and there is pain, raw and real, all over his face. His eyes travel now to the little snow globe on my shelf. "And I try to make up for it with a cheap souvenir and a chocolate cake..."
"Stop!"
Edward looks up, almost startled, when I snap at him, and my reaction has surprised me too, but I am not going to let him go down that dark path.
"We're being honest here, right?"
He nods.
"Well, that snow globe and the cake, they mean so much to me, Edward - so much I can't even explain it, okay?" My voice is strong and firm, I am not to be argued with, and Edward is staring at me, bemused, shocked even. "That night, you didn't even know what had happened to me, but just the fact that you wanted to make it better meant everything, so don't go on about your gifts not being enough to make it up to me, because they are."
My glare and my silence are daring him to disagree but, very wisely, he doesn't. He blinks twice and then nods slowly.
"You wore the ribbon," he says softly and my irritation fades.
"Yes," I smile.
"That meant a lot to me."
"Really?"
He nods again, slowly and deliberately and something in his eyes makes my heart pick up.
There is a knock at the door and I jump, startled. Edward looks toward the sound, frowning. The knock comes again.
"I'd better get it." I scramble off the sofa as Edward stands gracefully. When I open the door I see Mrs. Upshot from next door with a young boy of about six who is dressed as a pirate and who shouts trick-or-treat at the top of his voice.
"My grandson, Nicholas," Mrs. Upshot smiles. "We're just knocking on a few doors that we know."
"Oh, um, hi," I smile back. "Just let me take a look and see what I've got." My mind takes a second to readjust - I'm not prepared for trick-or-treaters and I go to the kitchen, trying to think if I have any candy. I look at Edward and he shrugs as I begin searching through the cupboards - but it's all tins and jars and fruit. I don't think Nicholas is going to want a banana.
Suddenly Edward comes forward.
"Do you have a piece of notepaper?" he whispers.
I nod at my notebooks that are spread over the breakfast bar.
"Why?" I ask, puzzled.
"The treat doesn't have to be candy."
And I watch, fascinated, as Edward takes a blank sheet and fashions the most elaborate paper airplane I've ever seen. His fingers move swiftly and expertly, folding and creasing, and then he grabs a black marker from the pencil holder beside the fruit bowl and draws symbols and numbers on the wings and the tail. He outlines some pointy shark-style teeth on the nose, like I've seen in pictures of fighter planes, and colours them in with the red marker. Then he turns, calls "Incoming!" and pitches his creation towards the door where Mrs. Upshot and Nicholas are still standing. The whole process has taken him all of ten seconds.
The little plane swoops across the room, rising and falling and doing a fancy double-loop-the-loop before landing smoothly and precisely at Nicholas' feet. He is open-mouthed as he bends down and carefully picks it up.
"Wow!" He stares at Edward. "Can I have this?"
When Edward nods Nicholas does a practice flight of his own and though the plane doesn't obey quite as it did for Edward, it still does a dramatic swoop that has the little boy's eyes popping. Obviously the paper jet has been expertly engineered.
Mrs. Upshot beams at her grandson and then at Edward as she and Nicholas say thank you.
"You're welcome," Edward smiles a closed-lip smile - no teeth.
"Happy Halloween," I add as Nicholas and his grandma grin and wave and move on up the hall.
I shut the door behind them and lean against it, grinning at Edward.
"That was a really sweet thing to do. And that plane was so cool."
He shrugs.
"I didn't know you could do that, though it doesn't really surprise me."
He smiles. "Well, I'm glad there are still some things for you to learn about me."
I push away from the door and take a step towards him.
"Did you make paper airplanes when you were a kid?" I ask and Edward chuckles. I roll my eyes as I realise my mistake.
"Bella, I was two years old when the first airplane flew."
"I know, I just realised. Not easy to make a bi-plane out of a piece of paper, I guess."
"No, not easy at all. Although now you might have presented me with a challenge." He grins as I giggle and then cocks his head to his shoulder, watching me.
"I like listening to you laugh," he says. "Seeing you smile. Your happiness is everything to me."
His sudden, simple declaration has me blushing and I don't know quite what to say. He's never mentioned my laugh before.
"This is all very new for me," he says softly and his amber eyes are bright and brilliant. "I have no frame of reference - in my mind, I've never had a human know who I am. It feels strange, being so exposed, but at the same time it's a relief, and it's so easy to be myself with you."
His honesty disarms me and while of course we both know that this isn't new, right now for him, it is.
"It took me a while to realise what I was feeling for you was love," he says. "I knew I was intrigued by you, your mind, the way you thought, captivated me. And I felt fiercely protective of you, and your happiness meant everything, but it wasn't until I held you and saw the joy on your face while we were ice-skating that I realised what it all meant. It felt like my heart had started beating."
I am lost for words. My eyes sting with tears but I refuse to cry - there have been enough tears. Instead I let him see my joy in my smile. Edward smiles too.
"Then it wasn't just my scent that drew you to me before? Or my silent mind?"
"No," he shakes his head slowly, deliberately.
I want to throw myself at him, but he stands still, keeping the distance between us though the pull is strong. It feels like the room is humming. Then Edward's eyes flick to my shelves, to the little Phoenix snow globe and its Portland mate, and I think I can guess what he's thinking…I know where his mind has gone.
"The first time you came here, you told me about the globe you had as a boy. The one you got from the zoo."
He smiles and nods as he turns back to me. "I shocked myself when I told you about that. It was the first time I'd ever shared anything of my human time with someone outside my family." He swallows. "And that night was the first time I ever told jokes like that, as far as I could remember."
"I liked the jokes."
"I'd never told them to you before?"
"No. Never."
"I didn't think so."
"Moo."
His face splits into a broad grin. "Moo," he whispers back.
Edward walks to me slowly and I take a step towards him - we meet in the middle of the living room. The strain from our earlier conversation has long gone but a new tension has replaced it. My skin tingles. My heart picks up, dancing with anticipation, as he lifts his hand and caresses my cheek. The knuckles of two fingers graze gently over my skin and there is the faintest tremor in his touch.
"This is all very new to me," he says again. I reach up and cover his hand on my cheek. I see his throat move as he swallows. "I can't relate to anything you've told me about before, in Forks. All I know is how I've felt the past few weeks and how I feel right now."
"How do you feel right now?"
He gives me a soft, shy smile. "Right now I just want to hold you. But I know we still need to talk."
"Maybe we can do both?" I suggest hopefully.
Edward's smile widens and my heart feels like it's going to beat right out of my chest. I grab his hand and pull him with me until we sink down into the sofa cushions together. I nestle close to him and he drapes his arm loosely around my shoulders.
"Is this okay?" he asks.
"Mmm," I snuggle against him and he pulls me closer.
"I meant what I said before, about not expecting this sort of welcome."
"What were you expecting?"
He sighs and shrugs and lets his head fall back on the sofa cushion. "I didn't know. I thought you might be angry with me. I was hoping you'd agree to talk to me, and I was hoping you had meant it on Sunday night when you said we could fix this, but having you in my arms like this, just feels too much."
In the quiet now I think over the last three days and how I didn't expect to be here like this right now either.
"I thought I'd lost you again," I whisper and the burn pricks at the backs of my eyes. "You were so angry."
"I was."
"And hurt."
"Yes."
"I'm sorry. I'm so, sorry. Everyone was trying to protect you, but it just made things worse."
He kisses the top of my head and his arm tightens around my shoulder. His other arm reaches across to take my hand.
"It's okay," he whispers and settles me closer into his side.
"And your family? You said you saw them tonight."
"Before I came to see you."
I pull back and watch his face. "How was that? Is everything okay?"
"They're glad I'm home. We talked, they filled in a lot of gaps for me...everything will be fine."
"Just like that?"
Edward shrugs. "I'm focusing on the end result." And he gives my hand a squeeze but I have the feeling he isn't quite there yet with his family.
"Jasper?"
There's the slightest tightening around Edward's eyes. "I've made my peace with Jasper." He says no more and I decide not to push him on it just now. Instead I clamber off the sofa - suddenly there's something I want to do.
"Where are you going?" Edward asks, looking lost.
"Be right back."
I hurry into my bedroom and grab the hoodie that hangs on the back of the door. It's the one I wore on Sunday and I pull my bookmark from the pocket where Edward tucked it before he left. I want him to have it again.
Back into the living room Edward waits for me, head cocked, curious.
"I have something for you." I climb back into place beside him and hold out the bookmark.
His eyes widen a little as they look at the strip of leather across my palm, and then he looks at me.
"I want you to keep it."
When I smile he reaches out slowly and takes the bookmark from me. He holds it in his hand and his thumb strokes over the patterns.
"I didn't know it was yours, but I knew it was important." He takes a deep, slow breath. "I found this in the pocket of the shirt I wore when we fought Victoria's army of newborns." He speaks slowly, his voice low and deep, weighing his words. "I could remember fighting," he frowns. "But I couldn't remember where the bookmark came from. I knew it must have been important though, because I had taken it into battle with me."
His words hit me like a wrecking ball and my tears come fast and sudden now and they spill down my cheeks as Edward pulls me quickly into his arms. He had taken my keepsake into battle with him - the meaning is all too clear and as I remember what Carlisle had told me about finding Edward in the woods, I begin to sob.
"Bella?"
"You al...almost died," I stutter. And it would have been for me...he would have died for me.
"But I didn't. I'm here, Bella."
I clutch him harder, closer, letting my tears darken his sweater.
"Don't leave me again."
"I won't."
"I can't watch you walk away again."
"I'm sorry."
He strokes my hair, my back. He rocks me softly and it's so comforting as I cling to him, feeling him, hard and real against me as I cry.
"I won't leave," he whispers and pulls me into his lap. "I won't leave."
Gradually, my sobs fade to sniffs. I lift my head from Edward's chest and give him a shaky smile.
"I'm sorry about that."
"Don't be."
"Thank you."
"What for?"
"For fighting for me."He shakes his head and pulls me close again.
"Bella..." he murmurs. He strokes one hand gently over my hair. His other hand rubs more circles on my back.
"Bella, earlier I told you all the decisions were yours." His voice is soft and I shift so I can see his face.
"I want to be with you," he whispers but as my heart swells with joy, suddenly I see a fear in Edward's eyes that wasn't there before. "But I'm very much aware that there is not a lot I can offer you. My existence is a strange sort of half-life and I act it out on the fringe of humanity without ever being truly a part of it." He gives me a sad, apologetic smile. "I'm not much of a catch."
"Oh, Edward..."
"There is danger and there are limitations in being with someone like me, but I realise you already know that too well." He turns my hand over and traces the scar on my wrist, and then he raises his eyes to mine. The fear is still there, but I see conviction too now. There is conviction in is voice, too. "Bella, last week you spoke about reckless choices and informed decisions..."
I nod, blinking hard.
"And on Sunday I told you that I am an informed decision."
"Yes."
"I don't believe I would ever hurt you, Bella."
"I know."
"And your life wouldn't have to be as limited as mine. I would give you the space you need to be human." He swallows again, his eyes don't move, they hold my gaze. "Right now I could make speeches, I could go over all the many reasons why I should walk away and leave you alone, but you already know those reasons well, and I won't make decisions for you again. I love you, Bella. And you've said that you love me."
"I do. I love you."
His eyes spark and shine and melt into mine as his lips curve into a dazzling smile. His arms tighten around me.
"Then the decision is yours," he whispers. "I'm yours if you'll have me."
"If I'll have you?" My voice cracks. "I thought that was a given." I throw my arms around his neck and hug him as tight as I can. Edward laughs, it's a rich, joyful sound that comes from deep inside him and he falls back on the sofa, pulling me with him.
"And I'm yours, too," I whisper and when Edward moans I feel like my body and heart will combust. "This is happening so fast," I murmur against his neck.
"Is it too fast?" There's concern in Edward's voice now. "We can slow things down if you..."
"No! No!" I pull back and look at him. He's lying propped against the arm of the sofa as I sit across him, my legs over his. His hair is messier than usual from my hug and his amber eyes stare deep into mine, searching.
"I did think things would be slower, yes, but only because I thought you'd want to go slow, Edward. I know that for you, we've basically just met."
He sits forward so now there is only a small space between us. I tuck my legs beneath me and Edward does the same.
"But it doesn't feel that way," he says slowly, frowning, and he pulls his hand through his hair. He messes it up even more and I can't help the small smile that tugs at my lips. "I wish I could explain. It's as though my mind doesn't remember, but the rest of me does. This, for example..." He reaches out and caresses my cheek. "It feels right, like the memory is there on some other level and my touch remembers you. And holding you, that feels so natural. It's as if I know you, but I don't." He shakes his head, trying to make sense of it.
"Don't try to analyse it too much."
"It's hard not to."
"I know."
He stares at me. "I wish I could remember."
"I know. Maybe one day you will."
"Or maybe not," he murmurs. "You do realise I might never remember who you were?" I can feel him starting to tense.
"I know that, but it's okay. You know who I am now."
I reach out and run my fingers through his hair. Edward's eyes slowly close. His head falls forward and after I catch the smile that appears on his lips.
"That feels good," he whispers as I play with his hair. When I take my hand away his eyes open and he smiles - his missing memory seemingly forgotten.
"I like your freckles," he says, almost lazily, and it's not until he touches his finger to my nose that I realise what he means.
"Oh!" I start laughing. I've just had one of the most serious conversations of my life and I'm dressed as a farm girl with braids and eyeliner dots on my nose and cheeks.
"You look cute," Edward grins.
"I look stupid," I laugh and he shakes his head.
"Beautiful," he whispers, eyes and voice serious now.
I'm caught in his gaze and right now, with my braids and freckles, I feel beautiful.
"You said on Sunday that we had kissed." Edward's words are soft, almost hesitant. My heart begins cartwheeling in my chest as I nod, eyes wide. Edward's gaze falls to my lips, then makes a slow path back to my eyes.
"Is that something we did a lot?"
"Uh huh."
"Would it be too soon if I were to kiss you now?"
"No."
My voice is barely there as Edward slowly moves closer, keeping his eyes on mine.
"Bear in mind, I haven't done this before," he whispers.
"I'm sure you'll do just fine."
I stay very still as he slowly leans in and strokes his nose along the length of mine. Gently, he nudges my cheek. He's not breathing, and I am almost breathless while my heart pounds out a frantic rhythm. Edward moves lower; his lips graze along my jaw, over my neck and he presses a careful kiss on the pulse point in my throat. My head rolls back on my shoulders and I groan. I feel his lips curve against my skin in a smile.
Then he moves even lower until his cheek is resting gently against my chest. He listens to my heart.
Tenderly, I wrap my arms around him as I remember the first time he ever did this. It was in the meadow, when he told me I was his own brand of heroin - but now his body holds none of the raw tension from that day. I stroke the back of his neck and he sighs.
"The most important sound in my world," he breathes and turns his face to kiss the hollow of my throat. He lifts his head and smiles up at me; a soft, crooked smile with blazing eyes that makes my body burn.
He kisses my throat again and his lips slowly trail upwards until he stops at the corner of my mouth and presses a kiss there too. Then his lips brush softly over mine.
I hear the soft gasp on his breath and his lips touch mine again.
My arms snake up around his neck and his slide around my waist, pulling me closer as his mouth begins to move gently, carefully, with mine. My skin tingles and burns, electricity hums through my body, sparking through my veins and I can't get close enough. Edward's hands roam over my back. I twist my fingers in his hair. This isn't like other times he kissed me. This kiss is not tempered by fear or restraint – there's only joy in this kiss and in the way he holds me. Joy and desire and love. His lips claim me, they make me his again, and I am lost in him.
When he pulls back I see the awed smile spread across his face. But there are questions there, too.
"How was that?" He's eager to know as his hair flops over his eyes.
"Not bad for a first time," I pant, breathless, and he laughs.
"Bella…" he nuzzles his nose against my neck. "Was it always that good?"
"It was always good, but that was...spectacular."
He's smug now. "Spectacular." He tries the word out and from the smile on his face I think he likes it. "Spectacular," he says again.
I roll my eyes at him and he laughs again. I reach out to touch his jaw, running my thumb over his glass-smooth skin.
"How's your throat? Kissing me used to feel like you'd swallowed hot knives."
His expression darkens just a little.
"No hot knives," he whispers. "More of a slow burn. Very manageable."
"Good."
I smile and so does he.
Edward pulls me with him as he lays back down. He tucks me under his chin and sighs. His fingers play with my braids.
"This evening is definitely playing out better than I anticipated," he chuckles.
"Mm, definitely."
"Did we used to lie around like this?"
"Yep."
He kisses the top of my head.
"I wish I could tell you the peace I feel right now."
I smile and stroke his arm. His sleeves are still pushed up and my fingers trace the pale blue veins on the inside of his wrist. I still can't quite believe he's here, with me. Can't believe how my life has changed in the last couple of hours. And he's not arguing with me about the dangers of us being together; he's not beating himself up or telling me I should keep away. He understands that I know what I'm getting into and he's letting me make my own decisions.
He's the same Edward, but so different. And I like him.
"Where have you been the last three days?" I murmur.
Edward sighs as he picks up my braid, running it through his long fingers.
"I was heading for Alaska initially."
"Why there?"
He kisses my braid and lets it go so he can rub his hand along my arm.
"There's another family of vampires like us in Denali."
"Oh, I remember you telling me once." It was long ago, in the very early days. "But you didn't go?"
"No. I got to the border and realised I couldn't be so far away from you. And I wasn't in the mood for another altercation anyway."
"Another one?"
I feel him nod. "We think of this other family as our cousins and we'd gone to stay with them for a while after my accident. But I realised on Sunday that they must have been keeping the truth from me too."
I feel his body tense beneath me.
"Oh, Edward, I'm sorry." He'd been betrayed by everyone he knew. When I look up at him he's scowling.
"You okay?" I reach up and touch his face.
"I am." His arms squeeze around me.
"So where did you go if you didn't go to Alaska?"
"Forks."
"Forks!" I sit up quickly and almost whack my head on Edward's chin.
"Careful," he murmurs.
"What were you doing in Forks?"
He frowns at me. "I was hoping it would jog my memory."
"What is someone saw you?"
Now he arches an eyebrow and I realise that of course no-one would have seen him unless he'd wanted them to.
"Okay, okay, no-one saw you. So what did you do?"
"I went to the house. And the meadow. The school. I even went to your father's house."
"You did?"
He nods. "I climbed the tree out the front like you told me I used to do."
"Really?"
"And I let myself into your bedroom."
"Are you serious!" My mouth falls open, as though my jaw has suddenly come unhinged.
"Why do you look like that?" he asks, genuinely perplexed. "You told me I did it for weeks without you knowing. And you were in the room."
"I know, but..." I shake my head. I don't know why I'm so shocked. "What if Charlie caught you?"
"Why would he catch me? He was asleep and I was very quiet."
And suddenly I'm giggling. "That is such an Edward thing to say."
"Is it?" he grins. "So glad I can amuse you."
I roll my eyes.
"So nothing seemed familiar?"
"No, but did you always keep a lot of fishing equipment in your bedroom?" He smirks.
"That would be my dad, Edward." I answer pointedly and roll my eyes again for added effect.
"I guessed as much," he grins.
He rumples his hand through my hair. "There was something in there that had me curious, though."
"Oh? What's that?" I try to think what it could have been, my mind goes over my room the last time I saw it. But before Edward can answer there's a knock at my door, and Edward's phone begins to ring.
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A/N: Thank you to everyone who is reading and reviewing this story - your support and feedback means more than I can say. And thank you to the reader(s) who have nominated my story Distractions for Fic of the Week at the Lemonade Stand, and thank you to those who have voted - I appreciate it so much.
And thank you to Melanie who is the world's speediest beta, a good friend, and pointed out to me that "plough" is spelt "plow" in America. I learn something new every day :) Melanie (Edwards Eternal)has a new story up - it's called Snowbound and it's a very addictive read.