Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.
This chapter is much shorter than the others, but I think it needed to stand alone. Apologies for the long wait.
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Waiting for Bella's Reaction...Edward's Point of View
Edward was sure there must have been a better way, a better time, to break this news to Bella. Though it wasn't really news. It was a theory. A macabre possibility to which he had given no thought or consideration...until now.
Bella was still staring. Still silent. Edward swallowed hard and wondered if he had just blown everything. The silence between them was only four seconds long, but each second felt like a lifetime. A vampire lifetime.
He stayed very still as he watched the shock play over Bella's face. It was too much, he decided. Tonight had been too much, there had been too many shocks, too much to process. And now he'd gone too far. They shouldn't be having the sex talk so soon. So soon? He'd never thought they'd have it at all. He never thought he'd have this evening.
The whole evening had just happened, it had evolved like some living, dynamic thing, like the universe had plans it hadn't told him about and was taking him in directions he could never have anticipated.
And suddenly he was talking about birth control.
The four seconds became five.
He shouldn't be here like this, he decided. He had let his heart and his feelings rule his head. He shouldn't have climbed into her bed and tangled his legs with hers and pulled her against his chest...oh, but he had wanted to. He had wanted to very much, and in his heart it felt right, and even long overdue somehow, though his Edwardian-era morals told him it was wrong.
But he reminded himself that this wasn't 1918. And morals should not come from an etiquette book on the shelf. They should come from the heart. They should come from knowing what is right and what is wrong.
And being with Bella felt right.
Right now he wished fiercely that he could read her mind. He tried to read her face but he couldn't. She still wore the blank stare of shock.
The five seconds became six.
"You can have children?"
Finally, she spoke. And at last Edward exhaled. His breath came out slow and easy as he sat up. His hair was more tousled than usual from rubbing against the pillow and it flopped lazily over his forehead. He pushed it back with his long fingers; his eyes never leaving hers.
"I don't know for certain," he said. "It's a theory based on myths and it is probably nothing more than that - a myth." His eyes darted between hers, searching for clues and coming up empty. "But I don't think the risk would be worth taking." He reached out carefully to touch her hand, afraid she might pull away, but she didn't. "I would never do anything to risk you."
Bella looked down at his fingers resting softly on top of hers.
"Myths?" she frowned.
"Of the incubus."
"Oh," she nodded. "Incubus. Yeah, I know that word."
Her answer surprised him, though he knew it probably shouldn't. He wondered if he'd mentioned it to her before. There were a lot of things he wondered. A lot of things he didn't know.
"Have we talked about...?"
"No," she shook her head and looked up at him now. Her face was pale, but she didn't look scared. "No, back in Forks, when I was trying to work out what you were, after you stopped the van, I began searching on the internet. There were stories..."
"Gruesome stories with deadly results," he muttered darkly.
"Yeah. Pretty much." She gave a shaky laugh and tucked her hair behind her ears. "Okay, um...so, you're saying...you might..." She closed her eyes and shook her head. The words clearly weren't coming. She gave another quick laugh. "It's like, after everything else tonight my brain has put up a No Vacancy sign and its turning any new information away."
Edward smiled, it was a good description he thought. Tonight there had been a lot to take in. His own brain was still reeling.
"Shall I just go ahead and explain?" he asked.
"Yeah. I think that's probably the best idea."
Edward kept hold of Bella's hand. He liked feeling her skin against his.
"It was after I lost my memory and the mind reading," he began. "Carlisle, being Carlisle, started researching, trying to understand what had happened to me. He had his own theories but they could only be based on what he knew of human memory loss."
As Edward paused Bella sank down onto the pillow. He could see the weariness on her face and released her hand though he missed the contact. He was tempted to lay beside her but stayed upright and cross-legged - the sheets rumpled around him. He wondered if perhaps she needed some distance. His hair fell over his eyes again and he pushed it back.
"Keep going," Bella smiled. "I'm just kind of tired. It's been a big night." She reached out and rested her hand on his knee. Edward smiled and kept talking.
"Carlisle spent months studying old texts and archives but couldn't find anything. So he made contact with some other covens that we know in Ireland and South America and Romania. They hadn't heard anything like my situation before but the Brazilian coven suggested he try to find a vampire called Joham. They knew him by reputation - as a human he'd been a scientist with an interest in the occult and he'd continued his scientific studies after his transformation. Apparently those studies focused on vampire abilities and gifts and they thought if anyone could help, it would be him."
"Did Carlisle find Joham?"
Edward shook his head. "No. But he has learned some interesting things about him." Now Edward began to play with the edge of the sheet, folding its hem into sharp, even pleats between his fingers. Bella sat us suddenly, facing him, her weariness apparently gone.
"Don't stop there. What things?"
Edward's eyes stayed on his fingers.
"Joham's scientific interests apparently include investigating the potential for a vampire-human hybrid."
"So, you're saying it is possible?" Bella's voice hushed and Edward released the sheet as he looked into her eyes that were huge with questions and fresh shock.
"I think that if such a thing could happen we would have known about it before now. It's possible Joham might have tested his theory but there's no evidence to say the theory was proved."
Bella was silent again, but thankfully only for two seconds this time.
"But it's not worth the risk," she murmured.
"No," Edward agreed firmly. "No, it's not."
Bella sank back onto her pillow. This time Edward joined her, but kept his head on his own pillow, watching her as she stared up at the ceiling. He studied her face, noting the slight pursing of her lips and the small V that sat between her brows - it was a thoughtful face, not a frightened one, he decided. That was a good sign. His body relaxed slightly as he waited for her to say something.
"I'm on the pill," she whispered to the light fitting above them. "Would that be enough?"
Whatever he'd thought she might say, it wasn't that. Immediately his mind raced with questions - how long had she been on it? And why? She'd told him nothing had happened with Jacob Black, but had there been someone else? Someone in Florida? Edward felt his dead heart turn to ash. But when Bella turned to him his face was as neutral and smooth as if she'd just told him she thought it might rain. It was none of his business, he knew that. And whatever had happened before didn't matter, she was with him now.
But still...
"Irregular cycle," she explained. "I only started three weeks ago."
"Oh." He blinked slowly. "I think...I think that would be enough."
They both looked at the ceiling and Edward's heart re-grouped quickly. His lips twitched with a smile. There had been no-one else. Then he screwed his eyes shut and tried to ignore the caveman that had suddenly reared his head. He tried hard, but the caveman still smiled
"Does Carlisle agree with you?" Bella asked quietly. "About it probably not being possible?"
Edward nodded. "He and I, all my family, we're skeptical, but Carlisle likes to gather knowledge, he's a researcher and it has him curious. Especially since another letter came from the Brazilian coven last week."
"Oh?"
Edward's fingers glided back and forth between Bella's and the feeling sent tingles along his arm. It was like tiny sparks of electricity and it made him feel alive.
"They've heard word of a remote village where the people know about our kind and where Joham apparently visits from time to time. Of course that could mean once every hundred years, but Carlisle is going to make contact, see if he can learn anything more."
"About your memory, or the..."
"Both."
They fell into silence again.
"Will you go there?" Bella asked, turning to face him now.
"I don't know," Edward whispered. "I'm not thinking very far ahead right now."
His fingers kept up the slow movement between hers. Beneath the sheets her toes made slow passes along his instep, causing shivers and smiles.
"That feels nice," he whispered.
"Good," she whispered back.
He squeezed her hand and lifted it to his lips so he could kiss each of her knuckles.
"If you want to change your mind..."
"About what?" she cut him off quickly, her eyes almost startled.
"About...me. Us."
Bella snorted and rolled her eyes for added emphasis. Edward got the message loud and clear. He smiled hugely.
"No. No mind changing. Not at all. Okay?"
"Okay." He smiled some more.
"And I agree with you. If it was possible you probably would have heard about it before now. But we won't take any risks."
He kissed her hand again, opening her fingers gently this time so he could graze his lips across her palm. Her heart fluttered in time with her eyelids.
"Um, so..." She was flustered as he laid their hands back on the mattress between them. "Um, so, do you have any more bombshells for me tonight, Edward?"
"No," he smiled. "I think that's everything."
"Good."
She nudged her nose against his playfully, then kissed him softly. He kissed her back and enjoyed the sound of her heart.
"Bella?"
"Mm?"
"The song I wrote for you, the lullaby?"
"Mm?"
She pulled back and looked at him, at the sweet sadness he knew was in his eyes.
"Would you hum it for me?"
He saw the tears start to pool in her eyes as she nodded. He pulled her into his arms and laid her head against his chest, cradling her there. Then he closed his eyes and listened.
"Do you remember it?" she asked when she'd finished. Edward shook his head slowly.
"I was hoping I would, but no."
"Did you like it?"
He smiled as he pushed some hair back from her face.
"It's beautiful," he said, and he wasn't talking just about the lullaby. "It's very like what I would write for you now."
"Really?"
"But perhaps without the sadness at the end."
"There's sadness? I've never heard that."
"I can hear it." He touched her cheek. "Like the light would eventually return to dark."
"You don't believe that now, do you?"
"No. Not now."
He leant in to kiss her. He began slowly, savouring the feel of her lips beneath his, their softness, their warmth. But the warmth became fire, it built and roared, igniting him from the inside and when Bella pressed her body against him he pulled back sharply.
"Bella..." His breathing was fast through his parted lips.
Bella's eyes opened, she was breathless, her lips swollen and he reached up to touch the bottom one, tracing it gently with his trembling finger.
"Bella, I meant it when I said I want to be with you..."
He trailed off and Bella finished his sentence.
"But you're not ready?"
"I...not tonight."
She smiled and nodded, blowing some stray hair out of her face.
"This is a bit too fast?"
"I don't know...I think so." But her pulled her close, nestling her against him, flexing his arms around her. "It's not that I don't want to. I do."
"I know. I kind of got that impression." He felt her blush against him and he groaned softly. He knew the impression she meant...she would have felt it pressing against her hip just before he pulled back.
"I think I just need to slow down a bit. I need to..."
"It's okay. I understand," Bella pulled back from his chest and smiled into his eyes. "Why don't we just let nature take its course?"
There was a beat of silence before Edward nodded slowly. Then he wrapped her tightly in his arms again.
"I love you," he whispered. And then he hummed her to sleep with her lullaby.
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While Bella slept Edward thought. He went over all she had told him and he felt ashamed. He'd been so high-handed with her. So superior.
So controlling.
He'd made her go to the spring dance with her leg in a cast. He'd had Alice dress her up like she was a doll.
He hadn't listened to her.
He wondered what he'd seen when he looked at her back then. It couldn't have been what he saw now - her strength, her courage, her confidence.
He groaned silently.
What sort of asshole had he been?
A lucky one, as it turned out, because she still wanted him, despite everything he'd done. And not done.
In some ways he hoped he would never regain his memory.
Bella's body was starting to cool so he untangled himself and tucked the blanket between them then curled around her once more.
He kissed her temple. In her sleep she smiled and sighed.
Edward sighed too.
He couldn't believe all they'd talked about tonight. And he'd come so close to making love to her. But not tonight. Not here in her small apartment with cracks in the ceiling. He needed to plan. He would make it special. And he would make sure it was somewhere warm. He grimaced - unfortunately practicality had to go hand in hand with romance.
But more than that he needed to prepare himself because there were things to consider apart from contraception. He'd told her his strength was a factor, he would need to think what position would be safest for her. For them. And he wanted to take his time, not rush like the adolescent he was. That was something else to think about...endurance. And technique. Would he please her? He bowed his head and kissed her bare shoulder. He hoped so.
The moon shifted across the sky and when dawn wasn't too far away Edward remembered Bella's truck. He'd told her he'd go back and get it while she was sleeping so quietly, reluctantly, he uncurled himself and got up from her bed.
"I'll be right back," he whispered, and then let himself out of the apartment.
It took him roughly two minutes to run the miles back to the warehouse. The building was in darkness now and looked desolate with empty cans and withered streamers littering its doorstep.
The trip back to Bella was longer. Edward obeyed the speed limit and the traffic lights - he didn't want to bring notice to himself by speeding, even at this time at the morning.
Fifteen minutes after he'd left Edward walked up Bella's stairs, two at a time, and was surprised when he heard the sound of her heart...she was awake and apparently sitting in the living room.
"Hi," she whispered, smiling, when he opened the door.
"You're awake." He went and crouched on the floor beside her. She was in a blue bathrobe with yellow ducks on it. With her mussed up hair and sleepy smile she was beyond adorable.
"I woke up and you were gone," she yawned. "Where did you go?"
"To get your truck," he frowned and Bella rolled her eyes.
"Of course, I forgot about that. Thank you."
She leant forward and kissed his forehead. She yawned again and followed it with a giggle.
"Don't worry, you're not boring me. Just still a bit sleepy."
But Edward wasn't laughing.
"You'd forgotten?"
"Yes." she frowned. "That bothers you?"
"So when you woke up did you...you thought I'd left you?"
The horror that swept over him was crippling. He felt his heart crack open
"No!" Bella answered quickly, loudly, clearly seeing the pain in his eyes. "No! Not at all. I knew you'd be back, Edward I knew. I just thought maybe you'd gone to hunt, or to see your family." Bella took his face between her hands. "Edward, I trust you."
Her words hit him hard, knocking the air from his body like a wrecking ball.
"I trust you. I do. I know you won't leave me. This is it for us, right?"
He nodded dumbly, her words sinking in slowly, seeing the truth of them in her eyes.
She trusted him.
Trust.
Her trust meant as much to him as her love. Trust was everything. And after what he'd done he'd thought he'd have to earn it back.
"You trust me." His voice shook.
"Yes."
"Oh..."
He groaned and pulled her to him, crushing her to him, his mouth hard and urgent on hers. Her words were like fire, igniting him all over again but this time he didn't want to stop. His kiss intensified and without breaking the contact he rose to his knees and lifted Bella into his arms, carrying her back into the bedroom, flicking the switch for the heat on his way. Only when he laid her on the bed did his kiss end.
Bella looked up at him, breathless, eyes wide.
"What are you doing?" she breathed.
"I'm letting nature take its course."
He shed his coat and knelt on the bed as he pulled his t-shirt over his head while Bella's eyes dilated and burned. His eyes devoured her, his hands caressing her skin as he undressed her, adoring every inch of her that he exposed until she lay naked before him, panting.
"Please," she whispered and Edward groaned. His jeans went the way of his t-shirt.
Going purely on instinct, his plans for safe positions and romantic locations vanished. His teenage uncertainty was gone. He laid his body along hers, his fingers slow-dancing along her bare skin, his lips discovering, making her gasp and moan. Her hands roamed the contours of his body, exploring and touching, his muscles trembling beneath her touch. He rolled her on top of him and she kissed over his chest and his hips moved subtly, rolling gently beneath her, in time with his fingers down her spine. He was caught in the delicate rhythm they'd created, their hips, her kisses, his fingers...so slow, so exquisite.
He sank his teeth into his lip.
"Please," she whispered again and rolled off him. He rolled with her, rising above her now and finding his place between her thighs. His forehead pressed to hers, he marvelled as her body opened for him, taking him, loving him. He groaned softly and slowly, and swallowed her sharp gasp with his lips. Then he kept still.
So still.
"I love you," he panted against her lips. "I love you."
His body shivered with equal parts desire and restraint...until Bella slowly began to move.
His growls came from deep in his chest. He was the string to Bella's bow and as she played him his body sang. His love was in every move, every thrust, taking the love she gave to him and giving it back, giving more, wanting more...and more...and more...and more...until Bella cried out and then he could bear no more...his world exploded and his body broke and his heart was consumed.
"Oh, God...Bella..."
His arms crumpled as his body collapsed beside hers.
He couldn't speak. There were tears on Bella's cheeks but she was smiling as he curled around her, bringing her in to him as closely as he could. He wanted to tell her what he felt, but he couldn't, there were no words, in any language. So he let his body do the talking for him and brought her even closer. He didn't know where he ended and she began.
"I love you," she whispered.
He wanted to ask if she was alright, but right now, in this moment, as he tilted her chin and saw the joy in her eyes he knew the question was unnecessary. She was more than alright. So instead he told her he loved her too. Then he kissed her very slowly for a very long time. And when the sun rose in the sky just a little while later, it was no match for the smile on Edward's face.
A/N: The information about Joham's human history comes from The Twilight Saga: Official Illustrated Guide.
UPDATED A/N 27.4.12: Hi :) I've had quite a few comments about Bella not being fully protected if she's only been on the pill for three weeks. I based that on my own experience and the pill I took which provided full protection after only two weeks. But I know there are different pills with different hormone levels, so I'm guessing that is why some pills need to be taken for a whole cycle or two before they become effective. Interesting :)
I'll get the next chapter up as soon as I can, but things are very busy this end right now so it could be a little while. But I thought this was a nice place to leave things for the time being.
Thank you to Edward'sEternal for all her support. You're a star :)
And thank you to everyone who's reading and reviewing - it really means a lot. I'm trying to answer every review, but if I haven't got to yours yet, please know I read them all and appreciate them so much. Thank you.