Whew! A great amount of sweat and tears went into this one. Nothing like drudging things up from the past! A lot of things happening in this chapter. It's a little longer than most. Had a couple of hurdles to get through. Go get that cup of java or glass of wine, sit back and enjoy. I'm gonn'a go read my fav DAO stories.

Thank you all for putting me on your FF Alerts and Favs. You rock! Thank you also to the nameless and faceless who have took interest in my story as well. I appreciate you all! Galesong

P.S. Jen4306, we're getting closer!

Chapter 10

Ashes for Eamon

How does a man hide his heartache, in front the woman he professes to love, while she is standing there breaking his heart? That was the only way I could describe the emotional battle being played out on Alistair's grief stricken face. He must have settled on resignation when he finally whispered, "If this is what you really want…then so be it. I'd hoped…no, never mine. It's done."

The inflection in his voice wavered between discouraged inhalations and bittersweet sighs as he tried to swallow back the tears of my betrayal. His amber eyes glistened with moisture in the moonlit night. He raked his long fingers slowly through his sandy hair then turned and walked back towards camp. Somewhere in my convoluted thoughts, I believed he would ignore everything had I told him and come back with some snappy remark. He did neither as he soundlessly disappeared into the trees. I know, because I had watched for his return until it was almost daybreak.

I wanted to believe the dream. That love was enough. I was a fool to let it go on as long as I did. After all, these things never worked out in the end. I just saved myself the grief. It was easier to play the martyr than put my trust in hope, for a future I wanted but could not have.

A frozen breeze wandered through the white evergreens in an inaudible caress. I buried my head deeper under the protection of my woolen cape to escape its quiet death. It had snowed sometime during the night. The camp had been lightly covered in a pale blanket of white except where the ground was still warmed by the fire. My companions had secured their belongings long before I woke. Why they let me remain slumbering, in that dreamless state, I could only guess.

We had said our farewells to Brother Genitivi promising him that we would seek him out in Denerim, after we found the ashes. We gave him the remainder of our food rations, along with the healing potions, for his journey home. In return, he had promised that the temple was just up the mountain. This time he was right.

I now stared at myself. Only it was not me, but my ghostly she. I looked at this creature, this me. Her eyes were prideful and full of determination. Her magic was real enough as she cast her spell upon me. I was paralyzed from the neck down, suspended in time, place, unable to move with too many thoughts to think.

We had hacked a bloody path through Andraste's frozen shrine, her final resting place. We struck down every worshiper that drew his or her blade on us. This included the apostates and the demons they summoned. Our bloody rampage had not stopped there as we butchered young dragons and slaughtered the hatchlings. We had even solved the metaphoric riddles that spoke of Andraste's life and death, thus surviving the gauntlet. We had escaped with nary a scratch. Superficial wounds that I had easily healed.

The cultists had believed that Andraste had returned in the form of a Dragon. They had slain their victims and feasted upon their flesh. For this reason, our killing spree was justified. Was it worth it? All this death to save one man? It didn't matter. I did not do it to save Eamon; I did it for Alistair.

For the moment I was helpless. I knew the others fought their ghostly selves as well. Did these specters represent our inner demons and hidden fears? I was no fan of Andraste. At one time I had even referred to her as a 'sodding whore.' She was the reason I had been stripped of my heritage and exiled from those I loved. I remembered what the guardian, the keeper of Andraste's ashes, had asked, "There is suffering in your past…Your suffering and the suffering of others. Do you think you failed them?"

"Failed them?" I thought, "What of those who failed me?"

I remained paralyzed in body and thought. I watched the creature that was I and realized one thing. She was a lie. She still wore the robes of the Circle of Magi. I was no longer that girl from the past. She died a year ago with Cullen.

I smiled ruefully and thought, "How is it that I am attracted to templers?"

For better or worse I had changed. I, Chandra, stood before my ghostly self with my blades drawn. She extended her hands and chanted her craft. I rarely ever chanted. I plunged my dagger into her invisible heart, pirouetted and followed through with my sword, dispatching her head from her neck. Zevran had taught me well. My ghost was dead in lieu of my past.

The door to the next chamber opened, unimpeded, by itself. I ventured ahead, leaving the others behind to fight their own ghostly selves. I saw him. He was older than I remembered, with traces of grey at his temples. I crumbled to my knees and placed my hands on the ground for support. My heart beat wildly against my chest. I did not know if he was alive or dead, but here in this place he was as real to me as any father could be.

"Father, is that really you? Why did you send me away?"

"My darling girl, we didn't have a choice. It is the way of such things."

"I didn't mean to do it. I can control it now."

"It was the only way to keep you safe. A day hasn't gone by that you were ever far from our thoughts."

"I was alone. You never came to see me…ever."

"Your mother and I love you so much, my darling girl."

"Love…Love is a hollow emotion filled with empty promises and regret. You showed me that."

"Love is everything. It is the hardest lesson you will ever learn."

"But I'm afraid. I'm always afraid."

"If your heart is true, there is nothing to fear."

"What if I don't trust my heart?"

"Then you must do it…afraid."

I stared at brick and mortar. Whatever had been my father had gone. I refused to spare another tear for my past. It took a moment for me to regain my composure; after all, pride was a hard thing to swallow.

I sensed the others behind me and made an effort to pick myself off the ground. A large calloused hand reached over my shoulder, "Kadan?"

I accepted Sten's help up. "We're almost there," I stated dismally.

"I know," he responded. I always liked that about Sten. He was a man of few words, but they held profound meanings.

The others followed closely behind me. I was thankful for their silence, even the awkward silence between Alistair and me. He had chosen to linger in the back. As far from me as possible, I suppose. I could not begrudge him that.

The shallow corridor opened up into a bigger chamber that was part of the mountain itself. A large chasm separated us from the corridor ahead. I could feel the ashes calling me. I knew they would be on the other side.

The chamber held twelve stone platforms hovering over the chasm's ledge. There were six stones on the left side and six stones on the right side. Each stone held a different symbol. Some of the symbols had been smoothed away from centuries of erosion while others held crumbled corners and deep cracks.

Alistair strode past us, bumping me in the process. Where our bodies had touched, it felt like I had been hit with a jolt of lightening. I bit down on my bottom lip to hold back my cry of surprise. I could lie to myself, but apparently my body didn't seem to care. If Alistair had been aware of his effect on me, he did not show any sign of it.

I followed Alistair into the chamber, as did the others. I stepped up to the edge and peered over it. It was dark as far the eye could see.

"Hey, look at those thingies. I bet you, if I step on one, it will do something," Alistair suggested. It was the first time I had heard him say anything since last night.

"Yes, Alistair, next time there is a trap…you go stand on it," Zev advised.

Somewhere between Zev's taunt and Alistair's reprisal, one of them had triggered a section of the bridge to appear. I tapped on it with my foot to test its strength. It seemed sturdy enough. I placed both feet on it.

"Chandra, it's not safe!" Alistair ran towards me with his arms frantically waving.

There wasn't any time to scream. I could hear the air rush past my ears while my arms flew over my head. It was too late. I plummeted down into the bottomless pit the moment Alistair had stepped off the stone dais.

"I agree," Sten caught my wrist and heaved me back over the ledge, "You should have listened to Alistair." He positioned me safely on the ground far from the edge.

I fanned myself with my hand, "Whew! I wasn't expecting that," I said casually, "I mean…I wasn't expecting to fall."

"This is entirely your fault, Alistair. If you hadn't acted the idiot," Zev accused, "She would never have fallen."

"My fault? If you weren't here…I would still," Alistair broke off, "Never mind, it's already done."

Alistair stormed back into the corridor we had come from. I gave Zevran a disparaging look and then ran after Alistair. His back was turned to me, "You would still..."

"Still…what?" Alistair bristled.

I reached out and touched his forearm lightly, "Finish what you were going to say. You would still…"

His eyes darkened with anger, "I told you…it's already done," he jerked his arm away from me, "Let's get this over with. The sooner we get the ashes the sooner we get back to Redcliffe to heal my uncle."

With a few more minor mishaps, a little patience, and lots of arguing we finally made it across the chasm to the other side.

The long narrow corridor stretched ahead of us. Ancient weapons littered the ground at either side. We walked about halfway then I stopped and turned, "Okay, boys, end of the line. The rest is up to me."

"Truly? You could have fooled me," Zev quipped.

I chose my words carefully before I spoke, "You can't go where I'm going. This task has been appointed to me."

"But…" I heard the concern in Zev's voice and it touched my heart. He had become my constant shadow, as well as my friend, since pledging himself to me.

I smiled sympathetically, "I release you from your oath."

"You're not quite as callow as I thought," Sten remarked.

I reached up and patted his cheek affectionately, "I know."

I turned and regarded Alistair, "Let's finish this."

Just beyond the flames of her judgment, she stood at her pulpit. Her living image was carved in stone. She held her arms out and beckoned come. "Fear not," she called to the worthy.

"There's no way around it," Alistair said of the flames.

A majestic wall of fire blazed before us. It seemed to be alive as though it breathed. The closer we came the taller it became. Likewise, the further we were the smaller it appeared. It gallantly defended Andraste, keeping us from her ashes.

"Then we must go through it," I answered back. It was a simple statement, but unsettling none-the-less.

Alistair extended his hand so that it lingered closely to the flames. He pulled it away abruptly and grimaced, "I don't think that is going to work."

I reached out to heal his hand, "It's obviously some test."

"I'm fine. Leave it," he snapped, "Can you wiggle your fingers and do a magic rain dance to put it out…or something like it?"

I couldn't tell if he was irritated at me or at the situation, "I doubt it would be as easy as that."

I walked over to the stone slab that stood before the flames. It appeared to be an altar of sorts. It was covered in a heavy layer of dust making it hard to decipher the ancient text. I wiped it away with my hand then blew away the finer dust, "Cast off the trappings of the worldly life and cloak yourself in the goodness of the spirit," I used my backside to rub the remaining filth from my hand, "King and slave, lord and beggar, be born anew in the maker's self."

"Great, trial by fire," Alistair frowned, "Wait! You're not actually considering going through with it?"

I looked at the weapons that cluttered the stone floor, enough to fill a small armory, and then at Alistair, "It's ok…I know what I must do."

One-by-one I let my weapons drop to the ground beside me. Their clanging could be heard, reverberating, through surrounding walls and vaulted ceiling. I started at the buckles and clasps until I was free of my armor. Clothed only in my chemise, I stood before the man I cared deeply for.

Alistair broke from his golden silence. In a few short steps he was at my side. He grabbed me by the shoulders and gently shook, "I won't let you do this."

Between shakes, I untied my chemise and smiled, "I didn't give you a choice."

Our eyes locked in some silent battle, "Then I'm coming with you," He anxiously pulled at his buckles to cast of his own armor.

I stayed his hand, "You can't."

I let my chemise slide from my shoulders to pool around my feet. Alistair's amber flecked eyes remained fixed on mine. Our bodies were so close that I could hear is his heart beating rapidly against his chest. I reached for the hand he hurt and held it between us. I silently healed it then gave him back a piece of his life. I smiled softly knowing that he would not look down. I stood on my tiptoes and whispered in his ear, "I was wrong about you and me," then turned to walk into the white-hot flames.

(Alistair)

My heart beat wildly against my chest. Even her healing hand could not stop the pain of having her so close. Then she whispered those words and I knew she still cared.

There wasn't enough time to stop her as she walked into the fire. I refused to dishonor her so I concentrated on her feet. I watched the path she took. It was steady and sure. Flames sparked where she walked. Upward they spiraled until all that remained were here shoulders and head. They caressed her skin and fanned her dark hair around her glowing face. Her eyes locked with mine. She smiled brilliantly and then she was gone.

My fingers flexed tightly around cold hard metal. Then I remembered she had placed it into my hand, after healing it. I looked down and slowly uncurled my fingers, "Chandra…"

She had given me my mother's amulet.

(Chandra)

"I see the pain and anger you carry. I know you fear to give it voice," the guardian acknowledged, "but rest assured, my child, the maker knows your heart," then he was gone.

I stood before the Urn of Sacred Ashes. My body shook violently from the whole ordeal. Beads of perspiration dampened my body. I couldn't keep my hand steady as I reached for the urn.

"I didn't think anyone could succeed in finding Andraste's final resting place," Alistair said behind me, "but here…here she is…"

My strength ebbed away until I could barely stand. I fought it as long as I could and then I let myself fall, "I made it."

He caught me to him and folded his arms protectively around me, "What took you so long?"