Author's Note: This tale was inspired by two sources. The first a personal one. When my dad had to go to Denver on business trips, occasionally he took my brother and I with him, and because we were little kids, we had to share a bed. It never failed, this is always what happened. I'm sure that those of you with siblings have similar stories, and if you do, I'd love to hear them in a review. The other inspiration for this was a stand-up routine I heard when I was a kid. In fact, my dad made my bro and I listen to it so we could appreciate how silly we were. Did I mention my dad is the epitome of Christopher Titus' "Anti-Dad"? ;)
In March, before the brutal winter came to a close, Grandmaster Oniro ordered Sifu Halsey to go to Bangkok for a mission, the details of which were kept secret, and Halsey shocked everyone when he asked to take both Kuai Liang and Tomas with him. He argued that they were getting old enough to see the world, and besides which, he needed them to make his cover story of being a traveler with two sons more believable. Nobody was more surprised by his request than the boys, and they were further astounded when the Grandmaster gave them permission.
In Bangkok, the hotel the three checked into was a cheap dive near the harbor, but Kuai Liang and Tomas didn't care. It was the first hotel they'd ever stayed in, and even if roaches and man-eating mosquitoes infested it, they were still thankful to be away from An Zhi and Oniro for a few days, to say nothing of Temple life and Temple problems. The only drawback to their hotel was the room itself; tiny and adjoined to Halsey's room by a wooden door, there was only one twin bed. Since both boys always slept on the floor back home, their dormitory spartan at best, neither was anxious to share or take turns. Their anxiety quickly escalated into anger, and before long, they were wrestling on the carpet for the right to claim the bed, and only stopped when Sifu Halsey grabbed them by the ears and separated them.
"You either sleep in the bed together, or you sleep on the floor separately, ya gits," he snapped.
"But we can't sleep in it together," Tomas protested. "It's too small. It's barely big enough for one of us."
"Yer as thick as thieves any other day," he growled. "So make it work, boys."
The matter was officially closed. Since neither boy wanted to sleep on the floor, the only option was to sleep in the bed together. So, that night, they grudgingly climbed into bed and stared at the ceiling in silence, the only light in the room trickling through the dense curtains in little pinpricks. Well, Kuai Liang was silent.
Tomas glanced at him, eyeing him up and down. "Hey," he whispered.
"What?" the other asked quietly, his hands folded neatly on top of the covers on his stomach.
"This is my side of the bed, and I don't want you on my side of the bed."
Kuai Liang furrowed his eyebrows in confusion and annoyance, and looked at him pointedly. "What do you mean it's your side of the bed? We didn't stake out sides of the bed, so nobody has one."
Tomas narrowed his eyes. "Well, I just did. This is my side of the bed, and I'm telling you right now I don't want you on my side of the bed."
"What are you talking about, you Czechoslovakian Q-tip? There's no side of the bed, and I'll move on any side I like."
"No, you can't, and you better not come over here because I don't want you touching me!"
"I'm not touching you!"
"Yes, you are! Look there." He lifted the blankets and pointed to their black pant legs, the cloth of them barely touching. "Your pajamas are rubbing up against my pajamas, Kuai Liang. See that? Plain as day. You're touching me."
Kuai Liang scrunched up his face. "What's the matter with you?"
"Nothing. But you're on my side of the bed." Tomas crossed his arms indignantly.
"Well, how come all of a sudden you don't want me anywhere near you?"
"Because you told Sifu Halsey that I ate a bunch of mango sticky rice, so he took my dessert away from me, and told me I couldn't have any more food tonight."
"Well, you did! You already had tons of helpings of mango sticky rice earlier in the daytime when he was gone on his mission."
"Oh, who died and made you the hall monitor, you big jerk?"
"Well, he was getting ready to take mine away from me, and that's why I told him-"
"I lost my dessert tonight because of you, so now I don't want you touching me. Oh, and also because you're not really from this planet anyway. You know, Bi-han told me that you were not born here, you were brought here by aliens."
"Shut up, Tomas! I wasn't brought here by aliens."
"Yes, you were," he argued. "They dropped you off here and said, 'Take care of this boy because he is a jerk who tattles on his friends, and he can stay here and think about it until he stops.' So I'm gonna tell them that you tattled on your best friend, and you are going back to Mars!"
"You're lying. No aliens brought me here. That's my Sifu in the next room."
"No, he isn't. The Martians are your Sifu. So I don't want you touching me."
"You're a jerk, Tomas." Kuai Liang should've known not to believe him, but he was just so adamant that the little Cryomancer was a Martian that he couldn't help it. He pouted and crossed his arms in embarrassment. He didn't want to be an alien.
"I don't want you touching my body, close encounters."
"I'll touch your body, and there's nothing you can do about it." Promptly, he poked Tomas in the rib with his rigid finger. "And I'll give you alien cooties too!"
"Knock it off!" the older boy yelped, thrusting his rigid fingers back into Kuai Liang's ribs.
"Ow! You jerk!" Now the Cryomancer closed his fist and pounded his friend's bicep.
But as he retracted his arm, Tomas flipped his legs up and caught it with them, curling them around his chest. Sensing what he was doing, the younger boy scrambled to get free, but the Czech boy was too quick for him. He immediately yanked his arm backwards until it locked, and Kuai Liang gave out a small, pained shriek.
"Ow, ow, ow! You've got me in an arm bar!" he cried.
"That was the point! You shouldn't have touched me!" the other cried back.
"I'll show you!" He tried to kick at Tomas, but the other just tightened his grip, almost to the point of dislocating his elbow, prompting him to whine, "Ow, Tomas! You're hurting me! Let go!" To his embarrassment, he started to cry when his friend wouldn't.
"What's goin' on in there, you little wankers?" Sifu Halsey called from the next room, his voice booming like thunder.
Tomas immediately released Kuai Liang and pounced on him to cover his mouth. "Nothing, Sifu," he called sweetly. But the Cryomancer, furious and humiliated, sank his teeth into his friend's palm. Now Tomas had to stifle a cry as they wrestled angrily on the bed, him struggling to keep his friend from crying, and his friend struggling to get free.
"You bloody gits better be quiet in there or else I'm comin' in with the cat o'nine tails!"
Both boys immediately stopped fussing. To date, they'd never gotten hit by it, but they'd seen it rip chunks of meat from adult Lin Kuei warriors' backs when they'd failed to complete their missions. Once, not too long prior, Bi-han got his first whipping with it for arguing with An Zhi; about what, Kuai Liang didn't know. What he did know was that as stoic as his seventeen-year-old brother was, he'd cried almost nonstop as the deep gouges in his back healed. What was worse – at least in both his and Tomas' eyes – was that Bi-han was still expected to train as if nothing had happened. The experience had left a considerable impression on them, so neither boy wanted to get a beating with it.
"You better shut up," Tomas hissed at him in hushed tones. "You're gonna make Halsey come in here with the cat o'nine tails. Now be quiet."
Kuai Liang sniffed unhappily, hating the Czech boy at the moment for his sore elbow and arm, and promptly flopped on his side. Of course, that couldn't be his only revenge. He took the thick, wooly blankets and bedspread with him.
Indignantly, his friend let out an exasperated sigh. "Why did you pull all the covers off of me?" he asked in annoyance after a shocked silence.
"Because I didn't have any on this side," he snapped.
"Well, you don't have to take them all, blanket-hog!" He gripped the edge of the linens tightly and then yanked them back to him. Now, Kuai Liang was uncovered. The chill in the hotel room instantly bit at his exposed feet and chest.
"I'm not a blanket-hog, you're a blanket hog! No, you're just a hog." He pulled the covers back, and then snorted at Tomas like a pig for good measure.
"Well, you're as ugly as Xiao-Ping's goat!" he cried. He yanked the blankets back again.
"Give me the covers, you jerk!" Pull.
"These are my covers!" Yank.
"Who said so?" Pull.
"Halsey said they were mine when we checked in!" Yank.
"No, he didn't, you liar!" Pull.
"Give 'em to me, you stinky goat!" Yank.
"I'm not playing with you! Give them back, Tomas!" Pull.
The door separating their rooms instantly burst open. Kuai Liang didn't think Halsey even used the doorknob. It must've just sensed the large, British man's fury and decided it'd be better to move out of the way. Their Sifu stomped in, his face twisted into a scowl, his walnut-colored hair unkempt. The light from his room made his menacing, muscular silhouette look as black as a shadow.
"What's goin' on, you idjits?" he growled.
"Nu-nothing, Sifu," Tomas stuttered.
"C'mere," he ordered. Instantly both children jumped from the bed and raced to stand before him. He exhaled slowly through his nose as he studied his pupils.
"What was all the cryin' for?" he demanded to know a long, awkward silence later.
"He fell out of the bed, Sifu," Tomas immediately replied, his voice hasty and obviously lying. "He fell out of the bed and hurt his arm. Didn't ya? Didn't ya, Kuai Liang? Didn't you fall out of the bed and hurt your arm?"
"Yeah, Sifu," Kuai Liang replied flatly as he gave his friend an evil look. "I fell out of the bed because I didn't know that my arm was twisted up in his legs."
"Did you put him in an arm bar?" Halsey now snarled, looking at the Czech boy with an accusatory stare. His nostrils flared like umbrellas.
"No, I would never! See, Sifu, what really happened was that he was up on the bed and he was having a bad dream, and the next thing I knew, he fell on the floor."
"Did he put you in an arm bar?" Now his angry stare was focused on the little Cryomancer. Now he was inexplicably compelled to lie.
"No, Sifu," he began. "I was on the bed and I started to fall, and then Tomas started to catch me with his legs. Because it was my side of the bed." He gave his friend another dirty look.
Halsey clearly believed neither one of them, and he ground his even white teeth as air hissed through them. "What are you two gits carryin' on about?"
"Sifu, he said they were all his covers," Tomas tried to tattle.
"Yeah, but you said I belonged to the aliens, and that this really isn't my Sifu-" Kuai Liang snapped.
"Who says I'm not your Sifu?" Halsey interrupted indignantly.
"He said you're not my Sifu," he continued. Hey, if Tomas was gonna throw him under the bus, he was gonna throw him right back. "He said that I'm from Mars and that I was supposed to stay here until I started tattling on my friends."
"Did you tell him that?" the man growled as his head swiveled towards the Czech boy.
"No way, Sifu, I didn't tell him that!" he yelped. "I didn't say nothing. No way, uh-uh. I didn't say nothing at all. He fell out of the bed and hit his head, and now he's just not right."
"I'm not right? You're not right, you big jerk!" Kuai Liang yelled.
"Shut up," Sifu Halsey ordered them and they both quieted down. "Now listen to me, you little wankers. If I hear anymore cryin,' if I hear any more arguin,' I'm comin' in with the you-know-what. Now get into bed and go to sleep." He watched to make sure they obeyed him, and then returned to his room, slamming the door shut.
"See that?" Kuai Liang whispered indignantly. "I told you no aliens brought me."
"The aliens brought you, he just feels sorry for you," Tomas calmly replied.
"You're such a jerk."
"And you smell."
A long silence followed. But five minutes later, Kuai Liang studied the ceiling and got an idea. He looked at his friend.
"Hey!" he whispered to him. The other boy was still awake too.
"What?" he asked.
"You know what I can do?"
"No, what?"
"I can jump up and down on this bed so high that I can touch my head to the ceiling."
"No, you can't, that ceiling is way up there," Tomas scoffed.
"Yes, I can!" he insisted. "Want to see?"
"Yeah, go ahead."
Tomas slid from the bed to give Kuai Liang more room, and watched intently as the Cryomancer hopped up and down on it in short little bounces that built to one big one. He watched the ceiling get closer, and indeed his nose came close to touching it, but he didn't quite make it.
The Czech boy grinned. "That was really cool, Kuai Liang. Let me try, now. Watch me!"
Now it was Tomas' turn, and he, like his friend, came close to the ceiling.
"Almost made it!" the younger boy enthusiastically said.
"I bet we could do it together," Tomas proposed. "You know, because there's more bodies. The extra weight has got to make us bounce higher."
"You think so?"
"Yeah, it's simple physics. Let's do it."
Now both Kuai Liang and Tomas climbed onto the bed and then clutched each other's forearms to brace themselves. One…two…three! That was how many bounces they took before they launched themselves upward. They didn't touch the ceiling as they hoped, but they did fall onto the bed. Hard. Immediately, the rickety frame buckled beneath them with a loud crash, dumping them and the blankets onto the floor.
"Ohhh, you broke the bed," Kuai Liang said in a sing-song voice when he and Tomas finally found their way from beneath the covers.
"I broke the bed?" he yelled in indignant panic. "I didn't break the bed, you broke the bed, Kuai Liang! You jumped on it."
"No way, it's broken on your side, Tomas."
"You better help me fix this or I'll punch you in the nose, wise guy."
Suddenly, the door burst open again, and once more, Sifu Halsey stood angrily before them. This time, they yelled in surprise and fear, and they threw the blankets over their heads to hide.
"Like I don't see you!" he yelled. "Get out from under the covers and c'mere here now!" Afraid of their impending whipping, they obeyed but trembled violently as they approached. "What happened to the bed?" he growled when they'd reached him.
Wasting no time coming up with a lie, Tomas breathlessly answered: "Some man came in here, Sifu, and started jumping on the bed. He came in through the window, Sifu, and he was just jumping on the bed and we said 'you better cut it out or else our Sifu will come in and be mad at us, but he broke it and then climbed out the window, laughing."
"Boy, yer off yer trolley if you expect me to believe that load of rubbish. You actually want me to look at you and say a bloke came in here and broke the bed. Don't ya?"
"Honest to goodness! I could never fib to you about this, Sifu, because you're beautiful, and…and…and I love you."
Kuai Liang and Halsey both rolled their eyes. "I should whup the tar out of you idjits." He inhaled a deep, ragged breath and paused for a long moment, gazing angrily at the boys. "But I'm not gonna do that. Now, I'm gonna say this slowly. If I hear any laughin,' if I hear the bed break-"
"It's his side of the bed, Sifu, you can tell-" Kuai Liang interrupted him.
"Shut up," he barked at the Cryomancer. "If I hear the bed break, if I hear somebody cry, there are gonna be two very unhappy gits in Bangkok tonight. Do you want me to get the cat o'nine tails?"
"No, Sifu, please don't get it," Tomas begged. "We'll be good."
Sifu Halsey said nothing as he left.
"Let's get into bed," Kuai Liang whispered a moment later, his head heavy on his shoulders like a dog with its tail slumped between its legs.
"Wait a minute," Tomas protested.
"What?"
"I have to go to the bathroom."
"Alright. But I'm going to bed. Goodnight."
As Kuai Liang climbed onto his side of the bed, Tomas walked into the adjoining bathroom, but instead of hearing him use it, he heard him turn on the water. What was that Czechoslovakian Q-tip doing in there? He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, though he was soon answered. A few seconds later, his friend emerged with cheeks bulging like a chipmunk storing nuts for the winter. Water dribbled from his mouth, and he hummed what the Cryomancer could only guess was his name as he stared at him with ornery eyes.
Immediately, he knew what Tomas meant to do. "Don't you dare spit that water on me! I'm not playing with you!" But his commands fell on deaf ears. His friend spat the water onto him, lifting a leg behind him, posing like a statue in a fountain. The younger boy's hair got drenched.
"Okay, you asked for it!" He raced to the bathroom, turned on the faucet, and guzzled as much water as his cheeks could hold. They bobbed as he ran back to Tomas and spat at him. Now his hair was soaked, so in retaliation, he ran back to the bathroom for another round. Several times, the boys spat water at each other, and their determination to win the battle was interrupted only by their frequent giggles.
And then suddenly, Sifu Halsey exploded into their room, prompting them both to scream in terror and surprise as they dove behind the bed.
"Get out! Get out! Get out from behind the bed! Both of you! Now! C'mere!" he hollered until they'd obeyed him. "Why the hell are you two idjits soaked?"
"Some man came in here with a bucket of water and threw it on us-" Tomas lied.
"Shut up!" Sifu yelled, his patience long since run out. "I don't want to hear a story about a bloke coming in here, jumpin' on the bed with a bucket of water and throwin' it on you! Are you really that dodgy? Where do you get these lies from?"
"I'm not lying, Sifu!" Tomas protested. "I swear I wouldn't lie to you."
"You know where yer going for lyin'? You know where little gits like you go for lyin'?"
"Yes, Sifu."
"They go to the Netherrealm, and they burn. Is that what you want? You wanna burn forever, boy?"
Tomas was now crying. "No, Sifu, I don't want to burn."
"Well, then, tell me the truth!"
"The man came in here, I swear! He came in here and jumped on the bed and threw water all over us."
Halsey bit his lip, shook his head, and sighed. "Do you know what time you went to bed tonight, boys?"
"No, Sifu," Kuai Liang said as his friend wiped his eyes.
"9 o clock."
"You know what time it is now?"
"No, Sifu."
"It's 11:30." He glared at them both. "If I hear any more laughin,' if I hear any more fightin,' if I hear any furniture breakin,' if I hear any more water runnin,' I'm going to kill you. Do you understand the definition of the word 'kill'?"
"Yes, Sifu."
"Do you know what the cat o'nine tails will do to you?"
"Yes, Sifu."
"As a matter of fact, since you want to be up so much and runnin' around, since you want to have so much fun laughin' and giggling,' both of you will stand here all night. If you move, I'll be tearing up some little gits' backsides tonight! Do you understand that?"
"Yes, Sifu, I understand."
"Do you understand?"
"Yes, Sifu."
"Stand there!" He slammed the door and left.
Stunned silence followed, only ruined by the faint sound of water droplets hitting the floor, and of both boys soaking wet and shivering. Finally, Tomas looked to his left and eyed Kuai Liang up and down. "I don't want you touching me on my side of the floor."