Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives
Hakurei Shrine Maiden has child!
Like, I never thought the day would come, but then again, it, like, was bound to happen at some point, but... like... wow! I totally decided to visit the Hakurei Shrine while Aya was visiting the Aki Shrine, and I found out something amazing... REIMU HAKUREI HAS A BABY!
Oops, I like, must have kept the typewriter shifted into capitals for a second there... oh, it's... it's so cool! Like, Reimu's a mummy! Oh, the baby's so cute, she's... she's like a little pudding pie blob of cuteness! Like... OH, HUMAN BABIES ARE SO CUTE!
But... like, for some reason, Reimu doesn't seem to think it is... she was all moody, like the baby had done something wrong... I mean, what can a baby do, right? Oh, she has such chubby cheeks and... oh, I really wish I could backspace on this typewriter...
Anyway, like, you're probably expecting that I documented some kind of interview with the lucky woman... and you'd be in luck! I came in at a time when, like, Suika Ibuki, Marisa Kirisame, that French guy, and Reimu's sky-neighbours were all there visiting her. They got to see the baby before me, I'm, like, so jealous!
Oh yeah, like, the interview.
Hatate: Like, hello! I'm here to... IS THAT... IS THAT...
Reimu: (rocking baby) Oh God... don't... say... a word...
Hatate: Like... IT'S A BABY!
Reimu: (baby starts to cry) Oh, for GOD'S SAKE! Now it's crying again!
Dawitsu: Um... I could hold her for a bit, if you like...
Ran: I've always wanted to hold a baby in my hands...
Reimu: You'll keep your creeper hands off my baby!
Hatate: Um... like... Reimu... since when did you have a baby?
Reimu: Since Yukari delivered it to me.
Hatate: Like, Yukari's a midwife? Uh... so, like, who's the father?
Marisa: Jean, totally.
Jean: Marisa! That wasn't funny!
Hatate: Like... really? What a scandal! So, like, Jean, are you helping Reimu like a good daddy should?
Reimu: HE'S NOT THE FATHER! I don't know who is!
Hatate: So, you've... been sleeping around?
Reimu: I DON'T KNOW THE MOTHER EITHER! (crying gets louder) AAAAAH! I'M GONNA THROW THIS THING IN A MINUTE!
Jean: Do you want me to hold her?
Reimu: (gasping) Take it. Take it away from me.
Hatate: Um... sorry, I'm still a little confused about the parentage of this thing.
Reimu: (hands baby to Jean brusquely) She's adopted, alright? Yukari gave her to me to raise as some sort of successor, and it's driving me insane.
Hatate: Hey, look, it's gone quiet now! Hey, Michel, you must be good with children!
Jean: My name is Jean...
Hatate: Awww... it's looking at me! Oh, who's a cute baby? You are, aren't you? Yes you are! Yes you are!
Reimu: If you love her so much, take her.
Ran: No! You can't take the gift of a child for granted! Um... I mean... uh... yeah, it'd be wrong to abandon her...
Reimu: Okay, okay, none of you understand. At all. Yukari did something to me. Altered the border between motherhood and non-motherhood, and now my breasts are swollen and leak milk, I feel tired and sick all the time, I have to have that little brat chew on said painful breasts with her stupid little gums, and it does nothing but cry! All the time! Awa! Awa! Awa!
Dawitsu: Well, I'm more than happy to take the load off if...
Reimu: SHUT UP! YOU'D RAISE IT TO BE A MORON!
Hatate: Oh, how can you think of this little cutie-pie as a moron? (holds the baby's hand) Oh, who's a little cutie? Who's a little cutie! Like, you are! You are! You're a super little cutie!
Reimu: About as cute as anything that soils itself regularly and has no problems dwelling in its own crap.
Jean: Can you stop being so negative?
Marisa: Yeah, we babysit for you, it's not like we don't get what you're going through...
Reimu: Does she suck your breasts?
Marisa: Um... no, but we have the equally awkward task of using bottles of your milk to feed her...
Hatate: Like, maybe now your breasts are bigger, you could be on one of our swimsuit editions! Like, you didn't even need to get pregnant, it's perfect!
Reimu: (slaps Hatate) Go to hell!
Jean: In fairness, that was inappropriate. Reimu is going through a lot at the moment.
Reimu: Understatement. Of. The century.
Suika: Hey! I have a good parenting idea! Why... just hear me out here... why don't... (guffaws a little) ...why don't you rub a little sake on the kid's gums, and make it sleep better?
Reimu: I have a better idea. (takes Suika's endless Sake Gourd) Bottoms up! (begins drinking)
Hatate: Hey, Reimu, should you be...
Dawitsu: My God, she's still downing that thing...
Chen: Can humans even do that and be okay?
Ran: No, Chen. They can't.
Marisa: Maybe I shouldn't have made that crack about Jean being the kid's father...
Reimu: (stops drinking) Aaaah! Have this back, Oni!
Suika: (takes gourd back) Thank you kindly!
Hatate: Reimu, are you okay?
Reimu: Not at the moment, but once the alcohol hits my head then... oh, there we are... I'm just dandy, thanks. Hey, Jean, give me the baby...
Jean: I'm not sure that's the best idea...
Reimu: I'm it's mummy, you're just its uncle. Remember, you didn't want to be her daddy because you prefer that bitch, Marisa!
Marisa: Did you just call me a bitch?
Reimu: Witch! Witch! I said witch! Now, give me the baby, Jean...
Dawitsu: Reimu, you're drunk, this is no time for you to be holding a baby.
Hatate: Like, I must agree wholeheartedly, like, you need to lie down.
Reimu: I'll lie down when I want! (takes baby by force) Ha ha... ha ha... oh, look, she's smiling... that means... hey, she hasn't smiled before! Woohoo! I got her first smile! I got her first smile! (a mild rumbling is heard) Damn.
Hatate: Um... what's just happened?
Reimu: Oh, she's just crapped herself. Guess that's why she smiled. Who's a little sadist? You are! You're a little sadist that's come to ruin my life! Yes you are!
Dawitsu: Her precious tone really conflicts with her words.
Marisa: Well done, Captain Obvious.
Jean: Isn't anyone going to stop her? She's drunk, holding a baby, and angry with that baby!
Reimu: I'm not angry with her... not her fault she's a baby! Heh heh... I guess she does do some good things. I orgasm a little bit whenever she's done feeding...
Marisa: Gross.
Chen: Too much information.
Ran: I can kinda see where she's coming from...
Dawitsu: RAN!
Hatate: Isn't that vaguely incestuous?
Reimu: She's not related to me! It happens to lots of mums, anyway... it's the only thing she gives me at the moment, so it's better than nothing.
Jean: This is incredibly awkward.
Marisa: Are all men this good at stating the painfully obvious?
Reimu: Oh, I guess I'll have to change her. I'll be one moment... (walks out of the room, slurring some kind of song)
Suika: What did I tell you? Alcohol solves everything!
Hatate: Like... how can Reimu hate that little cutie? What's wrong with her?
Marisa: Have you ever raised a child?
Hatate: Well, no, but...
Marisa: Then I think that, like us, you have no room to talk. (shouts are heard upstairs)
Jean: I'll be right there! (leaves the room in a rush)
Hatate: So... um... what's its name?
Dawitsu: I think it should be called Jackie. Jackie Hakurei, get it?
Marisa: You're not funny. I think they should name her after her cool Auntie Marisa. But then again... Marisa Hakurei, kinda sounds like what I'd be called if I married that crazy old miko...
Hatate: I... see. Has Reimu got any preferences?
Suika: I suggested calling her Sake. Then Wine, then Vodka. She then told me that she didn't want to me to suggest any names to her ever again...
Reimu: (returns holding baby with Jean) I'm back, everyone! Hooray! What are we talking about?
Hatate: Ah! Like, Reimu, what are you going to call this baby?
Reimu: Oh yeah, that. My... uh... mother... adopter... person was called Reimu, and her adopter before, and her before, so, I dunno, maybe Reimu? I kinda wanted to shake it up a little, though.
Jean: Patricia.
Hatate: Huh?
Dawitsu: Huh?
Ran: Huh?
Suika: Why is everyone saying 'huh'?
Reimu: Oh yeah, I forgot you suggested that... yeah, sure, the kid's name is Patricia. After your dead wife or something, isn't it, Jean?
Jean: No need to be so disrespectful about it...
Reimu: I'm... totally not being disrespectful! Patricia's a pretty name, a bit western, but oh well, whatever. How about that, my little sleep-depriving abomination? Do you like the name Patricia? (Baby makes a noise that, for once, isn't crying) Oh, look at that, she cooed. I guess Patricia it is...
Dawitsu: I still say Jackie Hakurei would have been a funny name...
Hatate: Like... I'm not sure whether I should leave at that, I mean... will Reimu be okay looking after this baby?
Reimu: I'll be fine! I've... fought nuclear powered crows, I've survived going to the Netherworld, I'll be fine... hey, Jean, take her for a bit, I'm gonna be sick. (hands baby to Jean, and subsequently vomits on Dawitsu)
Dawitsu: What the hell? This was the nicest copy of my suit!
Hatate: I... really wanna stay and help out. Are you sure everything will be okay?
Marisa: One way or another it'll work out. Although, I think she could do with sending the kid to her cool Aunty Marisa's more often.
Reimu: Oh... I need some water... (collapses)
Hatate: Well... um... I hope it all goes well. You never know, maybe the kid will see me around sometime, and I can say 'I saw you when you got your name!'
Ran: Honey... let's have a kid together...
Dawitsu: Experiencing this makes you want to have kids?
Hatate: I should go... uh... bye!
Like, in the end, I can kinda see why Reimu's all moody. A baby must be hard work. Like, in Tengu culture, the uncle or aunt raises children, while the parents provide minimal support, so, like, I imagine that Reimu is in a similar situation to a child-raising tengu. I mean, she never got to lay the egg, but yet she has to do all the hard work of raising the kid.
But still, it must be super cool to breast-feed! Like, we tengu pre-chew food for our little ones and spit it back out before we give it to them. Heh heh... like, Reimu gets off on feeding her kid... that's kinda funny.
Um, I mean, like, she's unfortunate. I hope that the child grows to be strong and heroic, just like her... um... mother? However, there's a question to be asked... like... who will solve all our incidents now? Marisa seems to want to help raise the kid with Reimu, so, like, who will save the day any more? Maybe Sakuya Izayoi can help out, I dunno.
Well, like, I hope that after reading this article, you totally want to go see the baby! But, like, don't bother Reimu too much. Just... give her presents, I dunno. Like, this is Hatate Himekaidou, saying... GO SEE THE TOTALLY CUTE BABY!
Article written by Hatate Himekaidou
Present-day hindsight: Okay, okay, I admit, this was a big one, and I was stupid to have missed such an opportunity. Young Patricia's shaping up to be quite a good girl nowadays. She... looks quite a lot like Reimu did at her age, though. I wonder... is Reimu lying about only adopting her? If so, I guess the true question is... HOW DID SHE HIDE HER PREGNANCY?
Author's Note: Hey there, it's been a while since I've done one of these. Just writing in to mention that, yes, some women do rather like breast-feeding, if you catch my drift. I got the idea from a confession on PostSecret, an anonymous secret-sharing site.