Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives
Lizard Youkai founds Animal Rescue Centre for injured creatures!
Like, in Mayohiga, things are totally strange. It's, like, on the border, yet it not, as you'd expect mostly populated by humans, but instead, populated by a load of animal youkai. There are, like, dogs, cats, squirrels, all sorts around there, and of course, the super-awesome Border Youkai herself, Yukari Yakumo.
But, like, this articles about just one of these animals, a lizard youkai named Hebiko, to be exact. At the tender age of two hundred and forty three, this young lizard has decided to do a totally kind and awesome deed... she's founded an animal rescue centre!
Oh, it's, like, so cool! She has a room full of feral cats, four dogs which she's nursed to health and has since adopted, several injured lizards, a breeding centre for an endangered bird of some sort... oh, oh, it's so cool! Like, I decided to visit the Animal Rescue Centre, because I totally wanted to adopt a pet and raise it to youkaihood! Like, here's how that went!
Hatate: Like, sorry for intruding!
Hebiko: Oh no, it's the paparazzi... wait... WATCH OUT FOR THE DOGS!
Hatate: (gets jumped on by a bull terrier, a wolf-like white dog, a shiba inu, and a mongrel of some sort) Ah! Like... aw, this shiba inu is adorable, like... ow! Can I... can I keep him?
Hebiko: Look at its underside. It's a her. And no, the dogs aren't to give away, they've become too attached to me, but feel free to adopt a cat.
Hatate: Are the rats up for adoption?
Hebiko: They're... um... they're just vermin.
Hatate: So, like... (the wolf-like dog jumps up, putting his paws on Hatate's shoulders and licking her face) ...hee hee! That tickles! Stop it! (pushes dog off) So, what's their names?
Hebiko: Um... the bull terrier is Edwin, the husky is Mishka, the shiba inu is Sakaki, and the mongrel is Shadow.
Hatate: Aren't you going to ask me why I'm here?
Hebiko: I imagine to make some half-readable article about how I am a crazy cat lady who still hasn't found her one true love and is instead moping around in her own self-hatred while occasionally writing books no-one else will ever read to distract myself from the fact that my existence is a worthless and empty one?
Hatate: Like... not quite. I mean, I am writing an article, but I'm mainly here so I can adopt a cute little animal of some sort. What animals are up for adoption?
Hebiko: (sighs) I guess I'd better show you around... (walks into a room full of cats) Here is the abandoned domestics room. Unlike the room full of feral cats, these cats will probably need taking care of forever, or get adopted, if you wish. I only take in feral cats that are injured, and release them when they are well, but domestics are helpless in the wild, yet people see fit to throw them onto the streets, alone and unloved, their lives a sad song of...
Hatate: Ooh, I like this tortoiseshell one! What's her name?
Hebiko: While you would normally be right to assume that the cat is female, this is actually a male tortoiseshell. The odds of this occurring is one in forty thousand, and so I named him 'Anomaly'.
Hatate: I think Fred's a better name! (cat begins to nudge Hatate's hand) Do you like that name? Oh, do you like that? Do you like that, Fred?
Hebiko: If you adopt him, you can call him whatever you...
Hatate: OH. MY. GODS. KITTENS!
Hebiko: Oh yeah, those. Their mother was a feral, she was found dead, with her clutch of kittens close by. I have to feed them a milk-like paste. I tried to convince a mother feral that had lost her kittens to feed them, but the adoption scheme failed, and...
Hatate: Can I keep them all?
Hebiko: Not until they're fully grown. They need to be weaned first.
Hatate: Oh... how long will that take?
Hebiko: They're two weeks now. Wait another six, and I think they'd be...
Hatate: ...OH, THIS ONE IS ALL OLD AND FLUFFY!
Hebiko: When you feel like taking any of these cats' adoptions seriously, let me know, because I should be changing the bedding and litter for the animals, not listening to you squealing with glee.
Hatate: Like, don't go! You've only shown me one room! How did you get this building, anyway?
Hebiko: It's... my house. This rescue is my house.
Hatate: Oh, but like, where do you live?
Hebiko: Here. Like the lonely, crazy cat lady I was always destined to be. Let's go to the reptile section... (walks out of room, walks up some stairs and enters a room full of tanks containing lizards) Okay, wait here. (leaves the room)
Hatate: Like... okay... (looks at an iguana with curiosity) Ooh... what's your name? Why are you so still? I wonder what the light's for... oh, it looks like it's boiling. I think you could do with it being off for a little while...
Hebiko: (returns with a tank full of crickets) DON'T TURN OFF THAT LIGHT!
Hatate: Huh? Why not?
Hebiko: It's the incubating light! Lizards are cold-blooded, you know!
Hatate: So how come you don't have an incubator?
Hebiko: I'm wearing a hot water bottle under my top.
Hatate: Oh, I just thought you were fat... I mean, forget I said anything!
Hebiko: It's okay. Jibes about my body stopped hurting the same time that jibes about my lack of friends did.
Hatate: Um... okay. So, you rescue crickets too, I see...
Hebiko: Actually, they're food for the lizards.
Hatate: But... but... they're, like, still alive!
Hebiko: The lizards would grow to be weak if they didn't have to move around for their food. Cold-blooded creatures need a serious excuse to move away from basking, and live food is the perfect one. Hey, want to be useful? You can feed them, if you want.
Hatate: Like, I'm good...
Hebiko: Your loss. (places hand into cricket cage, grabs one with her bare hand, and throws it, still squirming, in through an opening of the iguana's tank, and the iguana quickly rushes to the cricket, snapping it up and swallowing it whole) Yes... yes... eat well, Bertrand the second...
Hatate: You... seem to like that iguana a lot.
Hebiko: Well, yes. I hope to keep him to youkaihood, unlike... another iguana from a while ago...
Hatate: I... see. So, like, why do you want to raise him to youkaihood?
Hebiko: It's so that...
Hatate: It's so you can have a younger boyfriend, isn't it?
Hebiko: (blushes) N-no, of course not, it'd be more of a mother-son relationship, I mean, what kind of girlfriend feeds her boyfriend and gives him a home?
Hatate: The ones with deadbeat boyfriends.
Hebiko: Touché. But I don't want a deadbeat boyfriend. I just want a youkai that I can say I rose from birth...
Hatate: But, like, what if when he reaches a hundred years old, and he's there, all sexy and cute, naked, I might add, and he's all like 'Thank you, Hebiko, for taking care of me. Now, allow me to return the favour' and then kisses you, don't say that you wouldn't...
Hebiko: You've been fantasising about raising an animal to youkaihood a little too much, methinks.
Hatate: So what if I have? Speaking of which, what kinds of birds do you rescue here?
Hebiko: Well, there's a breeding centre for the Japanese crested ibis, but other than that... there's a harris hawk with a broken wing, and a red kite with a missing claw. I'm teaching it how to perch one-legged. Anyway, you don't want to see that place, there's probably nothing you'd be...
Hatate: Take me there!
Hebiko: Okay, okay, just let me feed the other reptiles... (gives crickets to other sorts of lizards, gives a dead mouse to a snake, and a bed of cress to a tortoise) Now, before we see the bird section, I'd like to show you the feral cat section, where we keep...
Hatate: You said I can't adopt ferals, that you release them as soon as they're well, just show me the birds!
Hebiko: But if I do that, then...
Hatate: Just show me!
Hebiko: But there's nothing of interest to you...
Hatate: Like, what are you hiding?
Hebiko: Nothing! Okay, fine, come with me. (leaves room, walks across the upper landing to a room full of caged, calling birds) I wish I didn't have to keep them in cages, but some of these would kill each other if I did that...
Hatate: (looks at a hawk, then a buzzard, then a crow) YES! YES! A CROW! CAN I HAVE IT?
Hebiko: ...I was hoping you wouldn't see that...
Hatate: But... but I... YAY! I want a crow! I want a crow to raise to youkaihood and... uh... be my child... um...
Hebiko: How old are you, like, a thousand? Do you have any idea how creepy that is? You're not adopting a crow to raise into your boyfriend.
Hatate: Like, I never said I was! You pervert, I knew that's why you wanted to raise that iguana!
Hebiko: What the hell are you talking about? Well, regardless, that crow's got an injured wing, it'll need to stay here for... (Hatate opens cage) WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Hatate: (holds arm out, lets it perch on her arm) Like, aren't you a cutie? Hey, Hebiko, where's the food?
Hebiko: (sighs) Fine, take the damn crow, you degenerate, gossip-mongering, slack-jawed pervert...
Hatate: Like, what does he eat? Dead stuff?
Hebiko: Yes. Take him for carrion hunts every day at around seven in the morning, and later at three in the afternoon. He may start cawing at dusk, because he wants a mate other to the creepy thousand-year-old tengu looking after him. If you can't cope with that, don't bother with him, but if you think you can handle it, I guess it's one less mouth to feed over here.
Hatate: Huh? How come you're not all... sad that he's leaving and stuff?
Hebiko: Look at the inside of his cage. It's covered in crap. I have to clean all that, and every other cage and litter pile. As well as somehow provide the food for all these animals. So, trust me, I'm not attached to most of these animals. Bertrand the second, Edwin, Mishka, Sakaki, and Shadow are exceptions, not the rule. Just take it. As long as you don't let it die, I'll happily give it up.
Hatate: Huh? So... he's mine? Okay! What's his name?
Hebiko: Corvus.
Hatate: That's totally lame! You can be Sebastian!
Hebiko: Whatever. You've got an animal, now get out of my house.
Hatate: Like, what have I done to offend you?
Hebiko: I guess I'm just somewhat jealous of your optimistic mind. Don't kill the bird. Please.
Hatate: I won't! See ya later!
And then I left with a crow! He's totally cool! His name's Sebastian, and he eats dead rats, and his wing's getting better all the time! The other day, he flew up to my arm and ate a morsel of chicken from my hand! It was only for like, a few seconds, but I'm so proud of him!
Hebiko may be a little bit sad, but she's a really nice girl for making that animal sanctuary. Although, I don't know why she's so upset about getting to take care of all those creatures. I mean, they're so cute! If I could lie down and be covered in kittens, I would, like, totally love it!
I think Hebiko's just a little bit of a grump, that's all. Perhaps if, like, those strange emotion manipulating Bear Youkai that are brightly coloured visited her house, they could cheer her up. I hear they care a lot about people who have lost hope...
Article written by Hatate Himekaidou
Present-day hindsight: Ugggh... this is why we type up our articles at my house. That bird is so annoying. It's still alive after thirteen years, which is making me think it could reach the magic hundred years. I hear regular crows can live up to fifty years, though, so maybe not.
Still... if after eighty or so years, Hatate comes to my house eating the face of a younger boyfriend, I'm going to annul our arrangement to work together...