Mal couldn't sleep. He'd been tossing and turning in his bunk for a couple of hours before finally giving up. He figured he might as well get up and make himself useful.
He checked the bridge first, half expecting to see River there. She wasn't though, which struck him as odd, as it wasn't all that late. But he shrugged and went down to the cargo hold to tidy up a bit.
Work done, he went to the galley to make himself some tea. He put the kettle on and busied around the kitchen a minute or two before he realized he wasn't alone. He turned and saw River sitting at the table. Her legs curled up in the chair underneath her and a blanket draped over her shoulders.
"Do you just need less sleep than the rest of us?" He joked. "I'd think psychics would need more, what with using their brains more."
When River didn't respond, Mal turned on the light and looked closer at her. She didn't look like herself and it took a second to realize why. Her face was streaked with tears. For once, Mal didn't hesitate and went and plopped himself down on the empty seat opposite River.
Seeing her this way made Mal realize he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen River cry. She really seemed so calm and unflappable these days, she hadn't even cried when she'd been shot a few months back. Her face looked haunted now though, and it was an unsettling reminder of how disturbed she had once been. It was only few weeks after Simon and Kaylee's engagement. Kaylee had already gotten into a fit of planning, contacting Inara with excitement and to ask for advice. River had been getting caught up along with Kaylee and had seemed happy.
"What's gotcha in this state, little one?" Mal probed gently now as he faced her across the table.
"Dreams." River replied dully. "Haunt me. Playing out nightmares of infinite outcomes though there's only one that can ever be." She looked up at Mal. "Why am I here?"
"Well..." Mal tried to understand her meaning without asking. "That brave brother of yours rescued you, you managed to charm the pants off a bunch of space cowboys on the run so we'd take you in. Made yourself gorram useful in the meantime." He tried to keep it light. When she didn't respond, he added more seriously, "I know we've been worried about the Operative and all that business. But things've been real good around here lately, River. You got plenty to be happy about, don't you know that?"
It had the complete opposite effect than he had been intending. River hugged her legs up closer to herself, buried her face into her knees and burst into tears. Not small tears either, but body wracking sobs.
"Wuh de ma!" Mal ran his fingers nervously through his hair. "River, I didn't mean nothin' bad by that. What's wrong Darlin'?"
The kettle started its low hiss as the water heated while Mal sat, waiting for River's sobs to calm. She didn't respond to his question and he didn't press. Eventually, her tears slowed and the whistling of the kettle drowned out her remaining sniffles. Mal got up without a word and set about fixing two mugs of tea. He added some canned milk and honey into one and returned to the table and set it down in front of River.
"Drink up," He said with authority. He ignored the seat he'd occupied opposite River, and sat instead in the one right next to her, turning it so his body faced hers. River slowly picked up the mug and took a tentative sip. She held the mug between her hands, soaking up the warmth.
"My life is a dream," She said quietly. "I've been this happy in ages, maybe never." She didn't speak for a spell.
"But?" Mal prompted.
"My life is a dream but once it was a nightmare. A person can never forget where they came from, no matter where they are now. The past follows and taints the present, makes it bleed." She looked at him with a piercing gaze. "You know that."
Mal did know a little something about that. He thought of Serenity Valley, the faces of so many people lost. Wash, Shepherd Book.
"I reckon you've been through more than anyone your age should ever have been through, that's a fact. There's no coming back from that, you're right, not ever all the way." He agreed. "But you ain't responsible for what was done to you neither. And if we can believe the Operative, everyone who did those awful things to you at that go se academy have paid for what they did with their lives. It might not've been done for the right reasons, but sometimes you gotta take what little piece of justice you can and hold it close."
"Justice," River agreed. "They're all dead. And I'm glad. I would have done it myself if I'd had the chance, I would have killed them all." Her voice was hard and she glanced at Mal sharply, as though challenging him to disagree. He raised an arm in peace. No argument here.
"But." She sighed shakily. "They're not the only ones who are dead, Captain. I wasn't the only one in there that they tortured. There were twenty-two of us. I was the youngest." Her voice rose and took on a tinge of hysteria. "I was the youngest, Mal, you hear me? Most of them had been there long before I even got there. And they're all dead now. They didn't have a Simon to come for them and now they're dead, and I'm alone." She looked at him, a pleading look in her face and went back to her original question. "Why am I here?" Mal understood better now. Why am I here and they aren't?
Mal sat for a moment, stunned, trying to process everything she said. He pursed his lips together and let out a slow breath. He had never even thought about it that way. He knew there were others in the academy. If the doctors and scientists were expendable, of course all the test subjects were too. And if others had been there before her... She was only fourteen when she had gone there, he reminded himself. They really were children. It made him utterly sick. He put down his tea, didn't feel like he could stomach it anymore. He glanced back up at River. She stared, unseeing, the mug of tea he'd given her still between her hands.
Mal leaned forward and gently pried the mug out of her hands and set it on the table next to his. Then he took her hands into his and held on tight.
"First of all, River Tam, you ain't alone." When she didn't respond, his voice raised an octave. "You ain't. That fact making it into that genius brain of yours?" She glanced at him and then examined his hands holding hers. She nodded slowly.
"Second of all, I know that's not exactly what it is you're tryin' to say," Mal continued. He took a deep breath. "Survivor's guilt is what fancy doctors call it. Feelin' like you did somethin' wrong simply by livin' when others died." She looked back up at Mal and her eyes widened. He knew he'd hit it on the head.
"All this happiness around you little Albatross, Kaylee and Simon especially, it's made it worse, hasn't it?" He whispered. She nodded. Mal felt the keen pull of recognition as he searched River's eyes. It was similar to the way he felt about Zoe, that kinship of shared experience. River might not been through their war, but a war she'd been through, of that he had no doubt.
"What do you do about it?" River asked. Mal sighed ruefully.
"Well there's an end even to my infinite wisdom Darlin.' Knowing a thing and conquering it are two sides of the same coin to be sure, but that doesn't mean you can have both," He sighed heavily. "It ain't nothing but the randomness of the Verse that you lived and others didn't. Nothin' you did wrong."
Was he talking about her or himself, he wondered? How many times had he been through this in his mind? He continued on. "But knowing the whyof something ain't the same as livin' with it. I don't know if I'll ever totally get over those lost and I doubt you will either." His hands tightened around hers.
"The only advice I can give you is what I do myself. Continue on livin' and do the best you can. It ain't much, but it's somethin." He released one of her hands and tipped her chin up with his fingers. "And you try to live with those lost in your heart. Remember what they taught you, and keep their memory alive. Honour them by livin' the best life you can and lovin' those around you as hard as you can." He regarded her. "You think you can try and do that?" River nodded mutely.
As they looked at each other, Mal mused on the fact that River was almost twenty-one now. The same age he'd been in his first combat situation. He remembered how quickly he'd grown up after those early days of war. Suddenly, he realized how much older River was in mind and spirit. He wondered that he had never really considered this before. She'd always seemed so fragile, needing protection, especially before Miranda. But she was a warrior, like him. Like Zoe. She'd proven that many times over.
And that a girl of twenty-one could have her innocence stripped away like this, from the very government he had gone to war with, suddenly made Mal sadder than he could bear. He wanted to comfort her, to take away her pain more than anything else he'd wanted a thing in a long time.
Mal leaned over and kissed her cheek gently. When he pulled back, he searched her face. Unfallen tears were suspended in her eyes as she stared at him, wide eyed. Without a second thought, Mal leaned in and kissed her again, this time on her lips.
It was the chastest of kisses, undemanding and tender. It was unlike any kiss Mal had ever given and unlike any kiss River had ever received.
They lingered there, River softly returning the kiss. When he finally pulled away, Mal was dimly surprised to realize that he felt none of the guilt or conflict he once might have. She looked back at him calmly and with no question in her eyes. He pulled his chair, the legs scraping loudly on the galley floor, so it sat beside hers. He put his arm around River and pulled her close and she leaned into him with a sigh.
"We've been through a lot," She whispered. Her head was down and he hardly caught what she said.
"That we have," Mal replied. We. The word spun around his head pleasantly. They continued to sit like that, Mal enjoyed the feel of River under his arm and pressed up against him. She felt relaxed and much calmer than she had when he'd walked in there earlier.
"So this living the best life you can... it's best achieved through crime?" River asked after a few minutes. Mal was startled, then chuckled hoarsely, the noise rumbling deep in his throat and held her just a little bit tighter.
"Exactly right, little one. Genius like you always catches on quick. Lots and lots of Crime."
xxxx
River woke with a start. Her body was stiff and her neck was killing her. Awareness slowly came to her. She was in the galley on Serenity where she had fallen asleep with her Captain a couple hours before. Her head curved into Mal's chest and her legs draped over his lap. She could feel his breath coming in deep, even waves. His heartbeat was slow but strong against her ear. Despite the awkward and uncomfortable position, River felt for the first time in a while like she was right where she belonged.
Glancing at the clock above the sink, River knew in a few hours the others would be up. She felt emotionally exhausted, but also felt a peace she hadn't dreamed could be possible when she had crept into the galley alone earlier that night.
Slowly, River extracted herself from Mal. His right arm curved around her waist and his left draped over her legs and she moved his arms with care. It was a wonder he didn't wake up, but River figured his soldier body was used to getting sleep in all kinds of uncomfortable positions. As she stood over him, poised to go back to her bunk, she felt a rush of love for this man who had shown an understanding of her in a way she hadn't thought anyone could.
"Thank you, Mal," She whispered to his sleeping form and kissed his cheek. Quietly, she slipped out of the galley and back to her bunk. Her sleep was dreamless and peaceful for the first time in weeks.