Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives

Club for Tsukumogami is formed!

Like, there have been many super cool incidents in my time as a reporter, but an incident I don't think I'll ever forget is the incident involving Sukuna no Shinmyoumaru and her miracle mallet. Like, during this incident, she rose loads of tools into youkai before their time, and gave rise to people like Benben and Yatsuhashi Tsukumo, as well as Raiko Horikawa. It was totally freaky, and what was stranger was that when little Shinmyoumaru gave up her mallet, they stayed alive!

Like, normally, tsukumogami are only formed after a tool is left alone for a hundred years, meaning that they would technically be at least a hundred years old, but with the miracle mallet, they could come about earlier. There had been a couple tsukumogami floating around Gensokyo before, like Kogasa Tatara, but ever since the miracle mallet incident, defining oneself as a tsukumogami has never been such a social thing!

And, like, it's become such a thing that Raiko Horikawa totally founded a group that meet in the Shining Needle Castle called 'TOOLS'- it stands for 'Tsukumogami Organised Over Liberty's Strength',whatever that means, but I just think Raiko wanted a cool acronym. Basically, it's a club which tsukumogami use to celebrate their liberty as independent beings, and many familiar faces are involved, such as Medicine Melancholy, Hata no Kokoro, Kogasa Tatara, and the Tsukumo sisters, as well as others I'm not so familiar with, like these weird mirror youkai which, like, don't even look like little girls! I mean, what's up with that?

However, they're, like, kinda racist, and they exclude anyone who isn't a tsukumogami, which meant that even though I knew they existed, I couldn't access any more information about them via spirit photography. So instead, I decided to think like Aya, and the first thing I thought of was ask Nitori for some press parts and attach them to my body, so I totally had a giant cog for a hat, and had pieces of metal sticking out from all over my back, and dyed my hair black and let it flow down. I looked totally awesome. Like, I hope Nitori is cool with me after the whole incident that led to her smashing Aya's house that one time...

...oh yeah, like, the club! Yeah, I totally infiltrated the club like a pro, going under the name 'Sumi Insatsuki', a printing press from Victorian England! I even got taught how to be very British by that mimicker fellow, and got given a bubble pipe for being such a good student. I then went to one of their sessions and super-covertly wrote down notes as I joined the club and recorded their activities...

Raiko: Greetings, fellow TOOLS. Today we welcome a new member to our club... introduce yourself.

'Sumi': Like, I'm... I mean, my name is Sumi Insatsuki, a most antiquated printing press from Victorian England. A pleasure to be making your acquaintance, old chaps.

Raiko: Ah, no doubt you'll have many a tale of how you've been used by the oppressive tool users of the world.

'Sumi': Oh, most certainly. One time, I had the misfortune to fall into the hands of a most slanderous newspaper writer, and oh, the venom that I had print, it was most vile...

Benben: Can't be any more slanderous than the tengu of the mountain, heh heh. (others begin to laugh)

'Sumi': Like, we're not... I mean, I hear that the tengu of the mountain are a benign pair of tool users, that only use their presses for spreading truth and happiness.

Kogasa: How long's it been since you became sentient? Have you lived here long?

'Sumi': I... I have been sentient for... (pauses to calculate years necessary to make self in Victoria Age) ...almost forty years, young lady.

Kogasa: Have you been asleep or something? The tengu are always spewing lies.

Mirror Youkai: Yes, it's well-known. Some people even say the one with the twin-tails kisses her press... that's just creepy.

'Sumi': Like, that's Aya, not... um... I mean... indeed, that is most peculiar, though I would not mind being kissed by a beautiful woman, ho ho ho!

Raiko: Keep that stuff in the bedroom.

'Sumi': Damn it, I knew I shouldn't have learnt being upper-class from a British pervert who's into girls... um, I mean... excuse me, I think you'll find many a woman is attracted to other women in Gensokyo. Remember that I am your elder, and... and that it's most unkind to discriminate against lesbians, something those tengu in the mountain most definitely are not.

Raiko: Whatever, whatever... Medicine, are you okay?

Medicine: (curled up slightly) I think this new visitor's causing unnecessary arguments, that's all...

'Sumi': ME causing unnecessary arguments? They're being mean about me and Aya!

Medicine: Huh?

Yatsuhashi: Um... yeah, what are you talking about? We've only been talking about Hatate and Aya, not you at all.

Kokoro: Isn't it obvious? I thought that the woman was playing at some sort of masquerade, but this confirms it...

Raiko: Of course! You're... you're a spy for the press, aren't you?

Kogasa: Awww, and I was looking forward to talking about our plot to overthrow the tool users once and for all, too. This evening is ruined!

Medicine: I already told you, I'm only here to socialise, I'm not gonna be part of that plot...

Raiko: ARE YOU GUYS IDIOTS? DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT IN FRONT OF THE SPY!

'Sumi': I assure you, I am no spy, merely a press youkai, just as... (cog-hat falls from her head) ...I can explain.

Mirror Youkai: (cracks in shock) HER FUNCTIONAL COMPONENT FELL OFF! Are you okay?

'Sumi': Um... no... aaaaah! The pain! The pain!

Raiko: (facepalms) Did everyone just not hear me or something? She's obviously a spy!

'Sumi': Am I going to die?

Raiko: Get out.

Medicine: And leave someone who could be a true tsukumogami to die? No, I have devoted myself to kindness and compassion, I can't...

Raiko: NO-ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR BUDDHIST CRAP!

Medicine: (tears up) But... but...

'Sumi': Um... I... well... (collapses deliberately)

Kokoro: I'll carry her out of the building, shall I?

Medicine: (in a very upset-sounding voice) It's okay, I'll carry her. I guess I'm not welcome here any more...

And then I got dragged out of the Shining Needle Castle by the tiny little girl... Medicine Melancholy even tried to put my cog back on, thinking I was genuinely injured, and she was all teary-eyed, I had to tell her the truth. She didn't seem angry, though, just sad. I kinda feel sorry for the poor girl, she's too cute by half now that she's trying to be good.

I let her stay at my house because she was so upset and I wanted to make it up to her, and let her have some tea. I'm not sure if doll youkai like tea or can taste at all, but given I found out first-hand how much they cry, I guess they can drink okay. I also let her use my wok as a jacuzzi. I hope I made her feel better...

Anyways, she totally told me about the group's evil intentions! TOOLS are totally aiming to overthrow the tool users all over again, but this time they're doing it without the help of Seija Kijin, who refused their request to join them, probably due to the fact she refuses any request thrown at her. Like, I hope that this doesn't become an incident... Reimu's still kinda busy with that kid of hers, after all.

Article written by Hatate Himekaidou

Present-day hindsight: Hmm... so, if I abandon my press for a hundred years, does that mean Kenny the third... I mean, it can come to life? Hm, but I guess if it was abandoned, then he's... I mean, it would hold a grudge against me. I don't want Kenny to hate me... maybe I could set up circumstances to make someone kidnap my beloved press, and then, when it has been sitting away for one hundred years, it wants nothing more than to be reunited with the woman who used him, the woman he fell in love with and...

...um... uh... WHY CAN'T TYPEWRITERS GO BACK?