V42.2

NSFW

Insecure

Leigh Ann Nelson
January 7, 1996
0834 hours
Arlington Cemetery

The funeral was...abysmal. I'd never cried so much in my life, besides that time I'd thought that my dad had been lost to me forever. CG Lingam had always been one of my favorite teachers and I'd been very close to her.

All the students, dressed in their finest, were either crying their eyes out, staring harshly off past the funeral director, or staring down at the ground with dazed expressions on their faces.

What happened? I wondered, remembering the First Year who'd walked in on Marie's cold, lifeless body. I knew that she'd been strangled to death. That was the easy part to figure out. I guess I should be asking who happened.

I held my head high as taps was finished playing and as the casket was lowered into the ground but that just made the tears fall a longer distance.

January 26, 1996
2228 hours
Officer's Quarters

I was sitting on my bed when he came in. Sitting on my bed when the light spilled over me, before he closed the door and moved cautiously forwards. He probably hadn't even checked in with the General yet. He'd been gone for three weeks. It had been three weeks since he'd walked out on me. Between his disappearance and the death of Marie Lingam, my heart was torn and broken.

"What are you doing here?" I heard myself ask, though I didn't remember telling myself to ask the question.

"You are my fiancé."

Hah. Some fiancé. "Start explainin' or get out."

There was a count of five heartbeats before he answered. "I…I cannot say, loff. I am sorry. I just vanted to come and see how you vere doing." He didn't make a move to come forwards.

"You're leaving again, aren't you?" I asked, feeling my eyes swell up and my throat clench. He could only get away for one night. So many scenarios played in my mind. He could have a family, children, waiting for him just like I was. He could be on the wrong side of the US's war. Feeding information to the enemy.

He let out a frustrated sigh, rubbing his face with one large hand. "I cannot—"

"Don't—" I shouted, standing up to turn and look him in the eye. He looked stricken and hurt. I took a deep breath and tried to talk again. "Don't you dare tell me that you can't tell me where you're goin' for another two damn months. You're my fiancé, you missed our engagement party, and—"

Viktor roughly cupped my face and pulled me forward, forcing a powerful kiss. I slowly melted into his arms as he slowed the kiss into one of the most loving things I had ever felt. "I just needed to see you," he whispered against my cheek.

I clutched his shirt, shaking my head into the crease of his shoulder. If I said something, I knew I'd regret it. I deserved more than that.

"I loff you, sveetheart, know that." He hugged me gently to him, whispering sweet things to me in Bulgarian. "I do not vant you to hurt. I vant to comfort you. I am sorry, loff, for missing our party. Let me comfort you."

My teeth ground together in anger at his words. He wouldn't let me out of his arms so I glared at him. "It was so hard, walking into that party, seeing all of those accusin' faces... I needed you, Viktor, and you weren't there. You told me that you would be there when I needed you. And you weren't. Do you know what kind of hell I've been through since then?"

His lips gently brushed up and down my jaw, around my ear, and across my cheekbone, gently ending on my nose. "I am sorry. Please, sveetheart." Viktor let out a frustrated sigh, giving me a squeeze before letting me go, holding me away from him and kissing my forehead. "I loff you."

I loved him so, so much. It was why it hurt so much for him to be gone. I felt like a small child again, holding onto my father's pant leg as he went to leave for Bosnia or Egypt or Europe or Russia and I couldn't go with him. But this was the man I was supposed to marry. If anything, it hurt worse when he left because I heard nothing from him. "I don't know if I can say that back right now."

He dropped his arms and took a step back. He wouldn't look at me.

Would Viktor be the next one hurt? One teacher had already been killed—dozens more children had been taken home, what with the death and the attack earlier in the year. Would my sister, my brother, would I be next?

"Please loff," he said in the most heart-breaking voice I had ever heard, "do noot say this. I vould not hurt you this way."

"You already have!" I shouted in his face which was covered in shadows by the dim lights in the room. I'd never felt so dependent on someone in my life and it was scary and almost insulting. I started to pace and tried to forget the pain I'd felt when I'd walked into a room of people I didn't know, without the man who knew all of them. Their accusing stares had been so selfish and racist. I wasn't one of them; I wasn't pure. "Where were you when I needed you?"

"I am protecting you," he said softly. He didn't reach out to touch me, or comfort me. He knew that I needed my space. "You, alvays you."

That was when it hit me. Things, all over the world, had been filled with crazies and wack-jobs that wanted to destroy the way we lived. In England, Harry was dealing with Voldemort. I—along with every other Muggle-born and part-Muggle wizard in America—was dealing with the KKK of the Wizarding world. It only made sense that Bulgaria was doing the same. Panic started to set in as I tried to remember what the man's name was who started the rebellion, back in Dumbledore's day—Grindelwell? Willelvald?

"Grindelvald," Viktor said softly, his eyes lowered to the floor.

I flew around, a hot, indignant blush in my cheeks. "You looked at my thoughts!"

"I had to know vhat you vere thinking," he sighed, running a hand through his hair.

With my teeth gritted, I gave him a glare that had rivaled any I'd ever given him. "You're going out to try and destroy the army that's rising up." I sensed his cringe, and I couldn't help but let out a frustrated cry and a few furious tears. "Damn it, Viktor, what the hell?" He tried to reach out, but I shrugged away from his touch. "You can't tell me that 'nothing will happen.' Because I know that somethin' will. Are you hurt?"

He set his jaw and shook his head stubbornly. "No."

"I don't believe you." He forgot that I could read almost everything in his eyes. He was in pain. Whether from hurting me, or from a physical wound, he was hurt. "First, Marie gets killed. Now I figure out you're going out and playing soldier!"

His eyes flashed indignantly. "Noothing vill happen."

"You don't know that!" I turned on the lights and felt the blood rush from my face. He was dressed cleanly but I could see blood seeping through places under his shirt. His face was bruised and it looked like he'd broken his nose a few more times since I'd last seen him. "God damn." I grabbed him and sat him at the edge of the bed, summoning my first aid kit. My hands were shaking as I tried to unbutton his shirt.

Viktor grasped my wrists to stop my fussing. "I half to go, Leahn. Grindelvald killed my grandfather."

I snatched my arms away from him and magiked away his shirt. He'd done his own patch jobs, it seemed, but I could sense that they weren't done well. Somehow I steadied my hands and ignored him, unwrapping the shoddy work and cleaning the wounds underneath. Some were from hexes. Others were from physical weapons.

"Look at me," he said between gritted teeth. I saw that his fists were clenched in the sheets beside him. Even his knuckles were scabbed and bruised.

"If I look at you I'm going to get mad. Let me take care of you for a moment and shut up." My voice stayed surprisingly even as I applied medical ointment to a particularly nasty wound on his side. His abdominal muscles quivered against my hand and I had to remember that I was furious because his body always made me feel hot and bothered.

I started re-bandaging his wounds using no-maj oversized bandaids. They worked better than winding an entire ace bandage around his waist which was what he'd done previously. My hands started shaking again as I kissed the last bandage on his shoulder, smoothing it down.

"If you die," I whispered, still not able to look at anything except his mutilated body, "I will never forgive you."

He tilted my chin up, gripping it lightly to make me look at him. His dark brown eyes were full of pain and love and it physically hurt me to stay mad. But I did. "You think so leettle of me?

I pulled my face from his hand and took a step back. "You're a brilliant wizard, but—"

He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me to straddle his lap. I gasped and tried to avoid his wounds but he sat me down firmly against him. "Stop. No more vords." Very, very slowly, as if not to scare me, he leaned forwards and kissed me like he had the first time we'd kissed—barely touching his lips to mine, just the mere ghost of a kiss. "My loff," he breathed, gently ghosting his lips across my cheekbone, down my jaw, making my heart rate speed up and my breathing quicken.

I knew what he wanted. I just wasn't sure if I trusted him enough to love me that way. "Viktor..." It was instinct to tilt my hips into his and kiss the shell of his ear.

He groaned, squeezing my hips even harder, pulling me up further onto him. I felt his bulge grinding against my thighs. I had to bite my cheek to keep from letting out a lust-filled groan. When I opened my eyes, our lips were mere inches apart and there was a feral look in his eyes. "Loff…if I cannot half you, you must stop."

I grasped his face and put our foreheads together. My hips bucked against his again and I bit my lip to keep from groaning. "Promise me you'll come back."

There was only a slight hesitation when he caressed my thighs, waist, anything he could touch. "Leahn, I..."

"Just promise me," I breathed against his lips, not sure if I wanted to look at them or his eyes. Not sure if I needed to hear a lie or if I could truly believe it if he said it. "Please."

It took a moment but then he relaxed. His eyes closed and he let out a breath like a weight had finally crushed him. "I promise."

I knew what I wanted, then. Not to make him stay or to bind him to me. But to prove my love and share that with him. At the same time, I'd never felt so insecure. Suddenly I wasn't First Lieutenant Leigh Ann Nelson, Champion of The American Academy of Magic. I was just Leigh Ann Nelson, woman. It was as if everything in the world revolved around him, now. His happiness, his well-being. If something in his life wasn't right, I wanted to fix it. This was what he wanted, so I wanted it, too. I wanted to be with him every moment of the day and even every moment of the night. I loved him so much that I was willing to let him erase my fears.

He would never initiate anything. He knew that I wanted to save myself. So I made the first move. I leaned down and gently kissed him once more, letting instinct take over, letting our lips learn again. My brain wouldn't stop thinking things like 'I'm glad I shaved my legs today' or 'Hell, I haven't read enough romance books to know what I'm doing!'

"Leahn," he groaned, breaking off the kiss after I rocked my hips against his rapidly-growing, not-so-little friend. "Vhat are you doing?"

"If you have to ask, I'm doing it wrong."

Viktor pulled away from my searching lips and hissed when they landed on his jaw. "No. You not vant this. Do not tease me, Leahn."

My hips rocked into his again and we both cried out. The zipper of his pants played harshly against the cotton of my underwear. "This isn't a tease. I'm not a child and I can decide when I want to take my pleasure."

Suddenly I was flipped. His hands grasped my wrists in a vice grip next to my head and he settled hotly between my legs. His eyes were full of lust and fury and something else I couldn't decipher. "Do not..."

"Don't try to scare me out of it," I gasped, strangely turned on by his roughness. "Now, I think we're both wearing too many clothes."

He captured my lips in his, kissing me with such an intensity that I almost forgot where we were. I almost didn't feel his hands sliding up my hips to pull the nightgown over my head. But by the time he'd done it, I'd noticed, but then I was only covered in a simple pair of cotton underwear and a similar sports bra.

Not very sexy, I thought, but as his hands gently roamed, I knew that he appreciated it very, very much.

His callused thumbs gently brushed over my breasts. I bit my lip to hold in a small sigh. I felt exposed and knew that I needed to worship his body before he could start touching mine. I slowly sat up and couldn't help but lean forward, kissing the muscles that had for so long teased me. He was grasping my hips, holding me still. When I darted my tongue out to taste his salty skin, his hands tightened. It was nice to know that I made him feel hot and bothered, too.

I drug my slim fingers down the muscles of his chest, wondering how in the world I got such a perfect specimen. Wondering why he liked a body like mine when he could literally have anyone in the world. He took a deep breath, allowing me my time to explore his body as he would soon do to me. I kissed his chest once, twice more, until he growled a deep, "Enough," into my ear, and the roughness of his voice sent a shiver through my body. He gently pushed me back on the bed and I scooted up, making enough room for him.

He chuckled in a low tone, sending another of those shivers through my body again. He thumbed open the button to his pants, sliding them down his slip hips...revealing nothing underneath. That chuckle came out again when my face heated up and I wondered how the hell that was going to fit when I had trouble with super tampons.

Yes, I was nervous, but I knew that I wanted this. I wanted him to hold me, I wanted to know what was in all of those stupid romance books that I read that made the girls love it all so much. I knew that he was just trying to keep me calm, but something was building up inside of me and I needed him now.

I pulled him on top of me, my legs wrapping behind his thighs. He kissed me hotly, wrapping his arms around me to lift my back off the bed. He expertly removed my bra and threw it across the room. The cool air pebbled my nipples and one of his fingers instantly flicked the tight bud.

I cried out against his lips and tried to cover myself. Viktor grasped my wrists and pulled them up over my head. "Do not," he rasped, holding me there for a moment, looking down on my breasts. "You are beautiful." He leaned down and kissed each pink bud, making me bite my lip.

His lips gently traced over one breast, then the other. "Viktor," I finally groaned, wiggling underneath him. He looked at me with a certain glint in his eyes and that was when he pulled it into his mouth and worked magic with his tongue and his lips. Finally he let go of my hands, using one of his to show attention to my other breast, the other to grip my hip, while I grasped his hair and forced his mouth fuller onto my breast.

Somewhere in his fascination with my chest, we'd both lost the last of our clothing. I felt exposed, but the attention he was giving me was exquisite. He pulled away and I whimpered, the cool air across my nipples making them ache. The other breast got the same attention, making my toes curl beneath us. Finally he looked up, his chin nuzzling the valley between my breasts as he gazed at me. His fingers gently skittered on my thigh, which made a surge of heat fly through me.

I moaned, wishing that he would kiss me, or touch me, or do something but just sit there and stare at my face. At least his eyes were cautious, caring. He leaned down and gently kissed me, so sweetly that I almost wept. That was when his fingers gently touched my most intimate part. I gasped as heat swept through me, his finger then inside of me and stretching in a foreign way. The arousal I'd been feeling made it easier for him to sink in there, curling to make me jump. My hips rocked as his finger moved inside of me. That was when he added another finger.

His lips left mine to suck on my pulse as I searched for words to describe the feelings coursing through me. Instead all I could manage were gasps and moans and oh my god! He'd curled his fingers inside. I gasped as the pleasure rocketed me and wanted to hit him when he smirked that roguish smirk. He started massaging my breast again, with his extra hand, and his lips roamed all over my neck.

I harshly whispered his name, rocking back and forth with what I knew was going to be one hell of an orgasm. "Viktor," I growled, his thumb doing amazing work on my clit. I gasped as my entire womb clenched even tighter than it already was. "God, Viktor, I need you," I said in a voice that I thought sounded nothing like me, but I wanted him so, so bad.

I felt him chuckling, and he rubbed himself up against me, his erection gently brushing against my thigh. "I vant you too, loff." He shifted his fingers again, and I moaned, ready for him to just do it and let me feel the pleasure. I was like a spring, getting wound tighter and tighter. Eventually I would explode. He caressed my cheek with his lips, gently nibbling his way towards my ear. "You are ready?"

I nodded frantically, grasping his hair once more and forcing his lips on mine. His fingers pulled out of me, leaving me feeling vaguely empty. But then his fingers gently pushed against my small nub and stars burst behind my eyes as I bucked on the bed. His low laugh against my lips made heat spring to my cheeks as he pushed again, then plucked at it. I gave a small cry, biting his lip. I couldn't sit still but I couldn't move because his body had mine pinned. My breath was coming in gasps as he played my body expertly.

I didn't know how many women he'd made love to, but he knew just spots to touch me in the next few moments that almost sent me over the edge. (I really didn't want to know how many women he'd made love to.) He kept me from experiencing it fully, I knew that, because he'd slow or stop before I made it over. I was almost weeping with the need for satisfaction.

But my mind instantly stopped all thought process when his fingers moved and his thick heat gently pushed in, slowly. I felt an uncomfortable stretching as my virgin canal tried to stretch to fit him all. I gasped and clawed at his back, trying to find a way to tell him that it really hurt.

"Ah," I gasped, unable to stop from vocalizing the pain.

He instantly froze within me. "My loff, it vill only hurt for a moment more." It took a while of him staying inside of me, of his shaking frame as he tried to control himself, before I thought I was ready to start again. "Are you alright?"

Those three words helped me in that moment. He'd asked me them so many times. It was only fitting that he asked it now. So I nodded and he pushed into me slowly again with his thickness. He whispered soothing things in my ear, his voice harsh and shredded, his hands gently petting my hair. He kept apologizing, his hands touching me everywhere, trying to sooth me, and I knew that he was beating himself up inside for hurting me.

Slowly, very slowly, my body got used to him and I moved, feeling quite a bit of pleasure when he sunk in just a little bit more. I moaned his name in passion, but he must have taken it another way. "My loff, stay still. The pain vill leaf."

I grasped his head and pulled him down into a kiss that left no question on what I wanted or felt. I want to go over that edge! He gently moved inside of me, making both of us take deep breaths, trying to work together, trying to find that spot to hit our high. It took me a few moments but I figured out how to move my body against his. I was sore, yes, but with his hands along my body and his heat inside of me, I couldn't do anything but moan his name and meet him slow thrust for slow thrust.

"Ah, you are so tight, loff," he breathed into my ear, his lips gently caressing my temple. "So vonderba." I knew that he was going slow for me. That didn't mean that I didn't want more, though. I pulled him down to me and bit his ear, whispering for him to go faster, harder—anything to get me to where I needed to be.

He suddenly grasped my hips, pulling them up. We both moaned when he filled me to the hilt. He started moving faster, squeezing my hips and digging his nails into my skin. The sweat built up in between us and he growled my name. My legs wrapped around his waist, keeping my hips tilted up, leaving his hands free. He grasped my breasts, molding them beneath his thick hands, and I gasped. Then his hands started moving downwards again, to the joining of our bodies. His thumb went down between us, gently rubbing against a sensitive ball of nerves down there.

At first I couldn't understand what it was, other than thinking that my spring had finally exploded and I was alive. I'd never felt so free or wild as I gave off that cry, gasping for air as he slowed his movements, groaning. At first, after I came slowly down off of that high, I thought that it was blood running from me, and I started to pull away, worried that I'd done something wrong. Instead, Viktor reached a finger down between us, bringing back up a rather sticky-looking liquid, letting his tongue gently lap the essence up.

I was blushing like a virgin, (which, I no longer was, I realized with a pang to my heart,) when Viktor looked back to me, a feral look in his dark eyes. He leaned down to kiss me, and I tasted something salty—myself.

He made me wrap my legs around his waist again and we continued our pace. It was then that I noticed that he was grasping me so tightly that I thought that I would have bruises, and I didn't bruise. Viktor was savagely taking me and he was thrusting his tongue into my mouth at the same pace that he was thrusting into me, like a stallion to a mare. My lips were swollen and the skin around my mouth was burned from his scruff. His pace was rather painful, but at the same time it was so exquisite that I couldn't ask him to be gentle. I was building up again, and when he pulled one of my legs higher, over his shoulder, bringing my hips up to meet his, I hit my second peak. It wasn't as long as the first, but it was just as exquisite, and I moaned his name over and over again. It was about the same time that I felt his entire body stiffen, and he shouted my name into the heavens, forcefully thrusting into me many more times until I felt him release inside of me.

Viktor fell, sweaty and tired, on top of me. I couldn't breathe or move, but I was okay with that. He dug his face into my breasts and I gently petted his head, kissing his curls, as he playfully nipped at the valley between my breasts. It was all fun and giggles and swats, at least until he started suckling my breast, which then made my womb start up that passion again. I knew that it took men a while to get their "energy" back, but he seemed to want to go again.

I wasn't complaining.

I moved to try and help him with our lovemaking once more, but the pain between my legs was rather harsh. It hurt enough that I gave a little gasp. He must have heard, because he sat up quickly, gently cupping my face and looking me in the eyes. "Are you alright?" he asked softly, moving his hands down to inspect every part of me. And a part of me thought of the first time that we had met. He'd asked me the same question, and I was about to give him the same answer.

"I-I'm fine," I whispered, his hands igniting fire along every inch of my body. I had to bite my lip to hold back a moan as his hands moved over my thighs. But when I looked up, he looked slightly haunted, actually kind of fearful. "Viktor?"

He closed his eyes and shook his head. "I am very sorry, my loff. I half hurt you."

I glanced down, trying to see what he was talking about, and I saw that there was a pool of blood underneath where we had made love. I had wondered if he'd hurt me that much, but I knew better. About half of the girls losing their virginity bled, and I tried to explain that to Viktor. "Viktor, its fine. You didn't hurt me. It's normal, I promise."

He still held a haunted look. He gently ran his large fingers over my hip. I looked there to see that a slight bruise was already forming, and in the size of his hand. I could see that he was really beating himself up over this. But he had no right to! I was perfectly fine, sore, yes, but that was expected, and I had had the most wonderful experience of my life!

I sat up, trying not to flinch, and took his face in my hands, leaning forwards to kiss his sensuous lips, trying to get a response out of him. He wouldn't budge. "Viktor," I said softly, caressing his face, "I can't say that I didn't hurt you, either." I reached over his shoulders to touch the long scratches on his back. And when I pulled back blood, I felt very, very bad. "See?"

"It is...it is not the same!" he growled, standing up from the bed. I was dismayed to see him leaving, and I couldn't help but feel my heart drop into my stomach. My throat was tight and my eyes were trying to cry, but I wouldn't let them, so they stung. I pulled the cover up over my naked body, feeling suddenly sad and uncomfortable. "I am the man," he said softly, wrapping a blanket around his midsection, "and you are the voman. I should not half hurt you."

I was about to argue back when he came around to my side of the bed and he picked me up. "Viktor!"

He carried me into the private bathroom adjoining the quarters, using some form of wordless and wandless magic to quickly fill the large bathtub.

I felt completely open to him, being in his arms, in the light, but he just gently kissed me and sat me down in the warm water. I instantly flinched The look on his face turned stonier. He brought forth the sponge, I noticed, and he started lathering me from head to toe, showing extra attention to my breasts and between my legs, being as gentle as possible. I noticed that my breasts were red and the skin around the nipples was irritated. The bruises on my hips were starting to turn dark and ugly.

He kissed me once, twice, and a third time before I grasped his neck between my hands and held him prisoner. I knew that he could break my grip with no problem at all, but he didn't. Instead he leaned into me, kissing me harder, until somehow he ended up in the tub, and I resumed kissing him until I got another response from him.

Needless to say, the soreness didn't go away, but we made love in the tub, and then once more back in the bedroom afterward. The last thought that had been in my mind, as I'd fallen asleep on his chest, was that I really, really loved this man. And I told him, too.

"I loff you too, Leahn," he said softly, petting my hair and kissing the top of my head. "Now sleep, loff."

"Don't leave me..."

"I vill be here."