Author's Note: Hello friends! Thank you for your PMs, I hope your questions were answered. Thank you to the anonymous reviewers for the request for more, it aided in my getting this chapter out to you. Special thanks to Shananigan for reviewing each chapter as you read it. I know taking the time out of your day wasn't something you needed to do, but it is certainly appreciated, friend.

For those of you reading, thank you as well. If you could spare the extra time to let me know your thoughts I would be more than grateful. Trigger warnings apply per usual. Much thanks, Ciao.

Entry 4:

Dear Journal,

I take my last entry back. Well, not all of it but definitely most of it.

The worst thing anyone can say to a survivor? "You're lucky, plain and simple."

You're lucky that it was just the one time.

You're lucky that you didn't get severely injured.

You're lucky that you didn't catch anything from him.

You're lucky that he didn't kill you.

I'm lucky? I sure as fucking hell don't feel lucky. You know what is lucky? Finding a ten dollar bill on the sidewalk, getting your name picked out of a drawing, winning at bingo. Getting raped? Not so lucky. I guess that people want us to believe that what happened to us (survivors) is like winning the lottery. It certainly is how it comes off when a survivor hears those words uttered to them. Only, winning the lottery is a lot less common than rape is. It's said that 1 in three women will be sexually abused in their lifetime. Between me, Santana and Rachel that statistic sure rings true... have any of us won the lottery? No. Of course not. Every 2 minutes someone in the united states will become victims of a sexual assault... thats probably going to be 5 people by the time I'm done writing this entry. The recommended time the dentist suggests that you brush your teeth for is two minutes in duration. So every time someone brushes their teeth, THAT is the length of time it takes before yet ANOTHER person is added to the category of "survivor".

So I should feel lucky? Right. It took everything in me not to spit in that person's (who will remain anonymous) face today, no matter how much I do love her. Rape is way too common to be called lucky. It's way too hurtful and paralyzing to even stop to think about the idea that what happened to me was surrounded by any type of "luck".

I'm lucky that it was just the one time? Right. It was one time. But every time I dream about it, every time I have a flashback, every time I think I see him in the store, at the mall, on the street...I'm revictimized all over again. He made me a promise that he would come back for more and he tried, SO HARD... but "luckily" I somehow avoided it. I refused to go back to my apartment for the remaining month that I lived in that apartment. I didn't answer any of his 40-50 calls a day, nor did I respond to any of his hundreds of angry threatening text messages that demanded to know my location. I thanked the universe every day that I had never told him which store I worked at, but that didn't stop my heart from skipping a beat any time a person walked in that looked like him. All of this sounds a lot more than just "the one time" to me.

I'm lucky that I didn't get severely injured? Sure you didn't know that it was sodomy. Like I said earlier, I've only mustered the courage to tell my boyfriend this detail...but that didn't stop me from educating you silently in my thoughts about the human anatomy. The anal cavity was made to be a one way street. That direction? Out. Not in, and certainly not in and out numerous forced times. Lube? No lube. And unlike the other orifice, there is no natural lubrication that is produced to reduce the friction. Those glands don't exist in the anal canal. So explain what you mean by severely injured? The nurse I went to days after the attack described me as "pretty torn up physically". I had to take stool softener because although, I wasn't eating much, when I did have to go I nearly passed out from the pain of it. So, that sounds pretty bad to me.

I'm lucky that I didn't catch anything from him? If she meant STDs? Then no. I didn't catch any STDs from that monster, but I did catch something. I caught the fear that he instilled into my bones that night. I caught the inability to be alone at home, the place I am supposed to feel safest. I caught the title of "victim" and had to change it to the term survivor with a lot of hard work and effort. How dare you say I didn't catch anything from him.

I'm lucky that he didn't kill me? He did. I'm not the same person I was before my rape, whether you want to believe it or not. While this certain individual did not have the luxury of knowing "the old Quinn Fabray" I can definitely attest that I am not even NEAR the same person as I was. He killed Quinn Fabray, I had to be reborn. Like any child, I had to learn how to go through the day again from scratch. It was an immobilizing trauma that left me with no choice but to start over completely. Santana, my best friend, while she still doesn't know about this attack...could even tell you that I changed drastically from who I was to who I am now. She says it to me all the time with comments like "I don't know why you do this now," or "Since when does this bother you?" While she can't put a finger on the point in time when I changed exactly, I can. May 9, 2011.

So while screaming, "fuck you, you dumb bitch, you don't know anything," would have made me feel so much better at that specific point in time... the new Quinn Fabray knows better than to take her intense onset of anger out on someone she loves, especially when they think they are trying to be positive and "help me". While it killed me to simply force a smile and nod my head, it's also something I am more than used to doing. I held off until I could lock myself away in my room with this god damn journal that my therapist gave me and now here I am.

Now I can scream "fuck you, you dumb bitch, you don't know anything!" all I want. Because she didn't. She doesn't know anything. And while this fact is beyond frustrating, I am also extremely grateful for it. I wouldn't wish this first hand knowledge on anyone, ESPECIALLY the people I love.

However, us victims of rape? We aren't lucky. We are survivors...and there's nothing plain or simple about it.

-Quinn