"I'm glad she's okay," Zoe mused a few hours later, referring to River. Everyone else had quit the galley after supper. while the two friends had gone sat on the couches with a bottle of whiskey between them to share. "My care for that girl's crept up on me more than I realized." She eyed Mal appraisingly as she said this, taking a sip from her cup. "I guess you know somethin' about that too."
Mal blew out a slow breath and nodded. Now that everything had calmed down, they were all safe and far into the black, he was feeling a bit sheepish again. It wasn't easy to put this kind of thing into words around Zoe.
"She's... not the same girl who came on board in that box," Mal started. Zoe inclined her head in agreement.
"Ain't no one here suggestin' that, Sir."
"It's been a strange day, Zoe. Hell it's been a strange year. " Mal sighed. He closed his eyes and hung his head back on the couch, feeling weary. Zoe put her hand up.
"Captain, you don't need to explain to me." She started, but Mal shook his head and she trailed off.
"I want to." He said firmly. She nodded, and sat back in her chair and waited.
"River... well you know, I've been thinkin' the last few weeks. She's around the same age now that we were when we started in the army. And she started fightin' her own kind of war when she was fourteen. What she's been through, not the same as us, but it's not all different either." He looked up. Zoe's expression was calm and expectant. "I guess I felt a connection to her, that way. Felt it for a while now, maybe since Miranda. Then that job on Paquin... well, I never did tell anyone, but as you may remember, River was pretendin' to be my wife. And, well... she had to go a mite further in that portrayal to get the job done when we went up to do that deal..." He saw Zoe's eyebrows raise at that piece of information, but made no other movement.
"I felt more than a little in the way of conflicted about it, don't get me wrong," He felt it was important to make this point. "All it had been was part of the act she figured we needed to put on, and I tried to leave it behind when the job was done. And mostly I did. Tried to stay away from her a bit more, didn't want her gettin' ideas, didn't want myself to nether if I'm being fully truthful. Then Inara and I... but then that ended." He shrugged his shoulders and went quiet. Zoe leaned forward and filled their half empty glasses back up to full. Then she picked hers up and sat back into her chair again. She waited for Mal to go on and finally he did.
"We've gotten close," He continued. "I rely on her on jobs, hell we all rely on her. I trust her to do her job the way I trust you to do yours. I guess what I'm trying to say is, maybe it ain't so strange as it may seem to everyone else, her and I." He looked at Zoe, pleadingly. "She ain't young. Well I mean she is young, but I mean to say that she's lived through stuff we would probably shudder at, and you know as well as I do that's sayin' somethin'. And she's fought through it, and come out stronger on the other end." His pride shone through as he thought about his remarkable girl.
Zoe put her hand on his arm. "You love her." She said simply. Mal regarded Zoe for a moment, then nodded silently.
"I won't lie," Zoe said. "When I saw you this mornin' at her door, I was pretty damn surprised, especially with Inara back. You and I never really talked about that, and when she came back, I had thought you and her... But as I thought a little more about it, I realized it wasn't as strange as I thought." She gestured vaguely in the direction of Inara's shuttle. "Way I see it, a man wants a woman he can have all to himself, especially a man like you. And work she does, Inara will never be only yours, and that'll never be enough." Mal looked up. Zoe was more perceptive than he gave her credit for.
"River... she ain't what I would have conjured for you. But when I think on it... no one saw me and Wash as a pair neither, and he and I..." Her eyes welled up a little and Mal's heart constricted a little for his friend. He hadn't thought of that, the comparison Zoe might make. He remembered how he had hated her and Wash together when it first happened. He'd gone from being the advocate for their new pilot to his number one enemy when him and Zoe got together. How it didn't make sense to him, what his friend saw in that easy going, joking, clownish man, who was so different from her. Until it came so that he couldn't see them apart. Zoe shook her head, and smiled sadly.
"Way I see it, you gotta take the love you got and hold it close, because it's all you have. And if somethin' happens... well. At least you'll know. You'll know you loved freely with all your heart, and that'll be what keeps you goin." Zoe nodded, and continued, almost to herself. "Girl'll fight fierce and she'll love fierce. And she'll stay true. Just like you, Sir."
"And you," Mal said, taking Zoe's hand in a rare display of affection. She squeezed his hand. The tears shone in her eyes. Then she let go of his hand as quickly as she had taken it.
"But," Zoe continued after a few minutes. "I don't think this ends with us all sailing into the sunset like none of this just happened." She looked at Mal. "What now?"
"No," Mal agreed. "Things are gonna have to change here, at least for the time being. I'm only starting to get a plan goin' in my head. I've set course for Erlang. Zoe looked at him in surprise. Mr. Universe's Moon. They hadn't been back there in over a year. Mal nodded.
"First thing we're going to do is lay our friend to rest next to the others who we loved so much."
xxxx
Serenity stopped once along the way, paid off the owner of a crematorium for his silence and left with the unclaimed ashes of some poor friendless soul.
Reaching Erlang, they went down to the surface to say a pretend goodbye.
"It's not for real, Simon," Kaylee reminded him soothingly. He glanced down at her. Despite her words, he could tell it was unsettling for Kaylee too, having a fake funeral for River, alongside the graves of their sorely missed friends.
It wasn't difficult to be somber in this place at least. The memories it dragged up were vividly chilling. As a rule, Simon didn't attach much stock to gravesites. He'd always held the belief that the dead were long gone from this life. As such, their final resting places were a source of neither comfort or sorrow to the Doctor. But this was the place in which they had fought and their friends had actually died, where all of them might have. If it hadn't for River. This was a place that had changed all of their fates. Simon felt this acutely now as they stood here. He tightened his grip on Kaylee's hand as he looked on and suppressed a shiver.
He saw Zoe looking at Wash's marker sadly, knowing her mind was on her lost husband. Jayne, predictably stoic though he was, was stealing glances at Shepherd Book's smiling holographic face on his marker. Inara had her head bowed and was speaking words in a low voice, praying.
When Simon looked at Mal, he saw that the Captain looked uncomfortable too, avoided looking at the new marker marked River Tam, with her smiling face on it. He kept glancing back at the ship impatiently, like he wanted to get back. Back to River, Simon thought. He recalled a couple of mornings earlier when he'd gone to check on his sister on the infirmary. He arrived to find Mal asleep awkwardly in a chair beside Simon's sister's stretcher, his hand entwined with hers like it had been there all night.
He'd opened his mouth the say something that morning, but stopped when he saw River peering up at him, a knowing look in her face.
What's going on here? He'd thought with increasing ire, knowing she'd pick up on his expression, if not the thoughts themselves. River rolled her eyes at him and had given him a warning look.
Leave it, that look had said.
So Simon did leave it, for the moment. But he was uneasy.
River of course had stayed on board today, this day of mourning. River wasn't actually allowed to get off the ship at all right now. Not until the plan went into motion. No one wanted to risk her being seen, and they couldn't be sure who was watching. Even that morning as they arrived, River had spotted an Alliance ship close by Erlang. It appeared to be involved in some routine mission, but everyone suspected that it was there observing their movements, and possibly watching them at this very moment.
"Get it done with Doctor," Mal said tightly, breaking the silence and jolting Simon out of his thoughts. They all looked over to Simon and he glanced down at the urn he was holding. Letting go of Kaylee's hand, he carefully opened the lid of the vessel. It felt wrong to be scattering the ashes of some unclaimed person on some rim planet far from his original home in a sham ceremony. But the alternative was worse. And although he wasn't a religious man, Simon said a silent prayer for the ashes of this unknown stranger.
I'm glad it's not really you, mei mei. Simon thought, reflecting just how easily it might have been her, as he watched the wind to carry the ash all over the landscape, like dust. They all watched it for a while. Then, Zoe leaned down and touched the grave of her husband with her hand with reverence. Once she was done, she turned around from the three markers and the rest of them followed suit. Wordlessly, everyone made their way away from their little makeshift cemetery.
Simon was relieved to go back to the ship.
xxxx
"I feel like I just got you and now I have to let you go."
Mal and River sat together companionably, his arm around her as they drank tea. They were in the galley sitting side by side on one of the old loveseats, feet up on the table. Although Mal and River hadn't been overt in affection while others were around, by some unspoken agreement, neither had they bothered to hide from anyone these last few days. And from the knowing smirks Kaylee was giving him coupled with the pained looks Simon had on his face, they hadn't escaped notice.
"Ain't nobody lettin' no one go," Mal said firmly, looking down at her. "And this was your idea, by the way." He reminded her.
"I know," River replied with a sigh, curling into him in a way he loved more than words. "I know it's the safest way to do this. Doesn't mean I have to like it."
"It'll do you good, gettin' off this boat, seein' new things," Mal tried to pretend an excitement for her that he didn't feel. Inside he felt hollow. He was sad and scared to part with this woman. "See somethin' new for a change, meet some new folk. It'll be good for you. Genius that you are, maybe you'll even learn a new thing or two." He dropped a kiss down on her head and sighed.
"Besides, we'll still be here... I'll still be here, if you'll have me, that is." He looked away awkwardly and suddenly River felt his fear. That she would forget him, meet someone new. Even now, after all they'd been through, part of Mal continued to fear he wasn't right for her. She wished he could have her ability to see into people. So that he could see into the truth of her.
"Oh, Mal," She whispered. "Of course I'll have you. You're the only one for me. That'll never change."
He was surprised to find himself choking back tears, a rare event for him. The conversation, coupled with the emotion of the last few days was catching up with him. He tightened his grip on her.
"Don't know what you see in an old man like me." He muttered, his head bowed.
"Not so old," River whispered. "And a good match for crazy. Probably says more about you than it does about me." He laughed at that.
"It's not over, though, might never be," River continued on after a moment. Mal thought on what she'd said for a spell. They were free of the alliance, if they played their cards right. But they weren't free, not really.
"Can't be content to just fly under the radar, not forever, can we?" She said. We, Mal noted. Things weren't content, out here on the Rim. And he'd only stirred the pot, with the broadcasting of the Miranda experiments. They couldn't come out and be honest about the academy, not now. But that didn't matter that much.
He felt like a fraud. The younger Mal would have been ashamed of the older Mal. He had been feeling the winds of change recently. Winds that would have once been to his liking. War. Discontent. But part of him didn't want that anymore. He wanted to live his life, under the radar, life was just shiny, the way it was now. With his crew, and tentatively, his woman by his side.
"No." He answered her. "Things are gonna change. But first we have to get you safe, get you out of alliance hands. We can't do a gorram thing until they stop worryin' on you.
"We'll be ready." River smiled at him. "You and me. And Zoe, Jayne, Simon, Kaylee. We will be ready." It was true. But tonight was one night. The last night, River would be gone soon, and there would be much time between now and then. He nodded, and pulled her close, burying into her.
"Tomorrow comes early," Mal said into her hair, stroking her back. She sighed.
"It does." She agreed. Mal stood up.
"So let's go to bed," Mal said huskily, pulling her up off the couch.
xxxx
River disembarked serenity under the cover of night. Goodbyes were swift and hasty.
The next day it was as though she'd never been there. It was stark, the way life carried on. Jobs came and went, smooth and mostly not smooth since she wasn't there to suss out their future. But the continued on.
During her absence, Mal found that the others had made some keen observations of him and River.
"Missin' your bunk bein' warmed I bet," Jayne mentioned to him one morning, when they were alone in the galley.
"Jayne." Mal said warningly. His hand tightened on his beer as he stood up.
"Hey, I ain't judgin'" Jayne seemed genuinely wounded by Mal's anger. "She's somethin' to look at, and not nearly as crazy as she were." He looked down. "And hell maybe I don't want to rut with her, but jobs sure ain't the same without her."
Mal relaxed somewhat, realizing Jayne really was trying to sympathize in his own way. He didn't answer, but he did sit down with them and they drank in silence, Jayne dealing out cards.
Inara surprised him by his bunk one night a few weeks after Shadow.
"When were you going to tell me about River?" Inara asked, without preamble. She never did beat around the bush when she had something importantly say, Mal considered.
"I guess I thought you'd already figured it out," Mal replied grumpily. His voice was raw, he was missing his pilot something fierce and wasn't in the mood for explaining himself. When he looked up at Inara however, he felt the pull of their history together and sighed. He wasn't getting away from this conversation tonight. They walked into her shuttle together, and he waited in silence as she made tea. It was amazing, how quickly she had made up the shuttle as though she had never left. He looked at the tapestries and fabrics that hung, making her shuttle look like an exotic den, and a melancholic reminder of the nights he'd spent in here.
"I just... never saw this coming," Inara said doubtfully once she finally sat down facing him.
"Neither did I," Mal said honestly. "I could have thought of a million or more reasons why it wouldn't work, but it don't matter." Because it does work, he failed to add, but Inara picked up on what was unsaid.
"Mal." Inara was gentle but the rebuke in her voice was clear. "She's nineteen. I'm not surprised she had a crush on you, but for you to... It's taking advantage."
"Don't." The edge in Mal's voice had a dangerous tone. "Just don't, Inara. I love her if you must know. Ain't no advantage I have over her that she don't have over me tenfold." The surprise on her face was evident. She opened her mouth to reply but then closed it again. After a few minutes she bowed her head.
"It was because I wanted to take clients, wasn't it?" She wasn't bitter, just deeply sad. Mal sighed. He knew the heart of this conversation was about him and Inara. The emotions that had come with the end of him and Inara came back to him suddenly.
"I'd be lyin' if I said things would be the same today if we hadn't gone down that road, 'Nara. I really loved you," Mal admitted. "But I have to be honest with you. There's been a little more than there rightfully should have been between me and River for a while now, even before you and I... I just didn't want to admit it." Inara's surprised eyes met his, and he could see the hurt registered there. It annoyed Mal all of a sudden. She of all people should understood loving two people at once, and here she was hurt to hear that another person had been close to his heart.
Mal knew deep down that if things had been different, if Inara had been able to give herself to him the way he'd always sought after, he and River may never be together. He opened his mouth to explain. But what was the point of rehashing the past when it wouldn't change the present? So he closed his mouth again, he also couldn't picture the way their lives would be without River, couldn't picture his world without her. He was glad things had turned out the way they did, and wouldn't have had it any other way. And thinking of that now that River was gone made him miss her painfully.
"I don't know if I can approve. She's far too young, and been through a lot. She's damaged." Inara said, after realizing Mal wasn't going to explain any more than he had. And Mal knew that it was the only thing she'd ever say on it. She loved River, and she'd never say a word against her, her judgement was reserved for him. And he also knew that even though Inara loved him in her own way, she could never make a claim on his heart, not really. He could feel the hurt because he had felt it, months before.
"Didn't conjure you would," Mal replied evenly. "But she ain't damaged. She's been through hell but so have we all. If she's damaged, then so am I." He added the next cautiously, meaning it, but also knowing that she would get the point. "But I also don't need your approval." You and I are done, Inara. I don't love you anymore.
"Mal." Inara was sad.
"Inara," He answered. He was sad too. But not sad enough. At least not where she was concerned.
xxxx
Simon came onto the bridge as Mal was working on some course calculations
"It's about time you and I had a talk," Simon said. Mal rubbed his face with his hand, thinking he'd never discussed his love life to this extent in his life, and never meant to again.
"Conjure it is, Doc, just surprised you were the last one I have to have this conversation with when you shoulda been the first."
"My sister could literally do anything she wanted, not to mention have anyone she wanted," Simon was quiet, ignoring Mal's facetiousness. Mal looked up and with effort, reminded himself that this was River's brother. Who loved her. He nodded as Simon went on. "I don't need to tell you how smart she is. Before she went to the academy, she had the world on a string. She could have been a dancer, an artist, a writer, a physicist, a surgeon. And now here she is, piloting a ship that keeps itself running on crime and prayers."
Mal looked down. He'd expected to have a firey argument with Simon, but found himself unbearably sad. Simon was touching on all of the insecurities Mal had where RIver was concerned.
Simon sat down in the seat next to Mal. Then, he surprised him by pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. He sat the glasses on the console, filled them both up and handed Mal one of them.
"I used to wish every day that River had never gone to that academy, that it had destroyed her life. And mine. And it did. For so long." Simon took a long drink and stared out the window. Mal stayed silent beside him, letting the doctor say his piece. "I still do wish she'd never gone, she'd be better off for it, Shepherd Book and Wash would still be alive, I'd still have my job at the hospital. But." Simon let out a long sigh. "But we'd never be here, never have met you, Zoe, Inara, Kaylee... I'd never have known Kaylee... and even Jayne. I'd never have known Wash and the Shepherd. I hate that they're dead, but I'm glad I knew them. And all those things... Miranda, the academy, the Reavers... that would all still be happening. And River and I would be living in our little rich bubble on Osiris and wouldn't know any better." Mal looked up and regarded Simon thoughtfully. This was not the direction he thought this conversation would be going. Simon sighed.
"Do I miss my old life? Sometimes. But not as much as I thought I would if you asked me three years ago. I did good work there, but it's better out here. When I think of before the academy and all River could have done or been... it all would have been for the benefit of the alliance. We'd have become clones of our parents. As far as I'm concerned, when we got on this ship, we got on the right side of things for the first time in our lives. We saw this Verse for what it is." He turned to Mal. "You taught us that." He held up his drink as though to cheers Mal, who was still too surprised to react. Simon took a sip.
"Uhh, thank you?" Mal said cautiously. "What you just said means a lot, doctor, it surely does. But I'd be lyin' if I said I didn't feel like I'm waitin' on the other shoe to drop here." Simon laughed, a short bark as he sipped his drink. He was silent a moment. Mal waited nervously. Finally, Simon continued.
"And as far as my sister is concerned. Well you've lost people, friends, fighting for her, and I saw you when you thought you'd lost her, and I saw you after, when you realized you didn't. And I see you now." He smiled slightly. "You really miss her, don't you?"
"More than just about anything." Mal answered hoarsely.
Simon nodded. "Well that's one thing you and I have in common, Captain," He answered with a wan grin. He shook his head. "How can I be angry at you for loving her when I know she's the easiest person to love?"
"Now, obviously, that doesn't mean you won't answer to me if you hurt her," Simon warned. "If you hurt her, I will kill you." Mal looked at Simon and knew that although his tone was a bit lighter than it had been, he was dead serious.
"I hurt her doc," Mal answered. "And I'll let you." They both sat after that, in silence.