07.24.11

EXTREME!

Let me just start by saying I've always hated reality shows. I mean, I'm already not that much of a TV watcher anyway, but reality shows are just… well, I tend to equate them with a twenty car pile up happening in super slow motion. At first, you're entertained by it even though you know you shouldn't be. Then, you begin to see the sheer horror of the situation, and you wonder how anyone could survive with physical or psychological damage of some sort. Finally, you're feeling so awkward and uncomfortable, you can barely stand it and just want it to be over already.

I hope that makes as much sense on paper as it did in my head.

Anyway, I'm not entirely sure Extreme! would be considered a 'reality show' since it's typical content is not something normal people should be doing, but on repeated thinking, I'd say most reality shows are like that in the first place.

Okay, that's the last time I will go off topic in this… actually, never mind. I can make no such promise.

So to continue from yesterday, my stupid robot houseguests decided in their infinite wisdom that signing up to participate in a stunt show produced by a man with the highly unfortunate name of 'Jonii Usagiuma' was a fantastic idea. Because obviously, I just love watching them bungee jump off bridges, skateboard down a mountain, oh, and my absolute favorite:

"Okay, time for the bike ride through a flaming hoop!"

Yeah.

You're probably wondering which of them got to do that little stunt. Well, Mori and Hunny had done the first two things, I had no idea where Tamaki was, and Kyoya… well, we'll get to what he was doing later.

That's right, it was the twins turn. From what I understand, it's really only supposed to be a one person thing. Unfortunately for the TV crew, and to my total lack of surprise, Hikaru and Kaoru really were as inseparable as they seemed. They could be separated in the literal sense, of course; they weren't bound together with invisible rope or anything. It's just that if someone tried to pull Hikaru away from Kaoru (or vice versa) they would run right back to each other, letting nothing stand in their way.

Going off topic for a second, I know, but I have to bring this up. At one point, an exasperated crew member demanded to know why they were refusing to separate for, in his words, mind you, 'just a few goddamn minutes.'

You want to know their answer? Take a wild guess.

"We can never part, we were made for each other."

I'm not going to describe the reaction that got, use your imagination.

So once everyone got over that, Usagiuma stepped in and decided to just let them to it together. His logic appeared to be along the lines of: One person doing it is crazy. TWO people doing it is EXTREME!

Remind me never to write that again.

The twins were suited up, given a basic outline of what they were suppose to do (and no, no one even once asked the very obvious question: did they know how to ride a bike). Somehow, they managed to find a two person bike for them to ride. All I could think was how incredibly unsafe this had to be. In fact, shouldn't they be having trained professionals doing this stuff, not some guys they found on the street?

Needless to say, this whole thing made no sense to me, and believe it or not, it was going to get worse.

So, the twins were given helmets and climbed up the ramp to where the bike was waiting for them. Meanwhile, some other crew members went to light the hoop on fire. It was about this moment that I finally realized something very important.

THEY WERE ABOUT TO JUMP THROUGH A FREAKING FLAMING HOOP ON A BIKE!

"Wait a minute!"

I jumped out of the chair they'd given me and ran headlong through a crowd of workers to where Usagiuma was shouting instructions through a megaphone. He barely glanced at me when I stopped in front of him. Even when I caught my breath and started talking, he wouldn't look at me.

"What- what is this?" I panted. "You can't seriously mean to make them jump through that hoop, right?"

This did get his attention, though not exactly in the way I wanted. Instead of turning around, telling me he understood my concerns and, hopefully, calling this whole thing off and letting us go home, he eyeballed me without turning his head and snorted.

"Oh sure, I'll just cancel this whole very expensive shoot to make you happy, that sound good?"

Why yes, Usagiuma-san, I very much like the idea of the EXTREMELY expensive robots I don't own nor have the money to pay for NOT participating in anymore of this potentially fatal stupidity, thank you.

If it weren't for the outright stating of my little secret in that tirade, I probably would have said it out loud. Something like it, anyway.

I actually didn't have any time to formulate a response, Usagiuma took that moment to shout into his megaphone (right in my ear, no less) and the twins attention back to him.

"Okay, you two," He called out. "Just like we told you, try to get as much speed as possible during the initial descent, you read?"

NO!

"YES!"

"Excellent," Usagiuma practically cheered. "Get ready, on my mark. 3... 2..."

You ever feel like your heart is about to literally rip out of your chest and possibly start beating you over the head with a club? That's me right when this was happening. I don't think I'd ever been as terrified as I was right at that moment. So far, anyway. I wanted badly to shut my eyes, but know I couldn't. I had to watch every single second of this insanity that would probably cost me a fortune and leave me with the duty of explaining to all these people why their broken bodies were filled with wires and circuits rather than organs.

That's something I doubt even Tamaki could lie his way out of.

I noticed this had been happening a lot lately, and often thanks to the twins now that I think about it, but time seemed to slow down exponentially as Usagiuma spoke the final number.

"1... GO!"

You know, this would be a good spot for a cliffhanger, wouldn't it?

…

…

Aw, forget it. I'm not that cruel.

It turned out the twins actually did know how to ride a bike. Impressive, considering it was a two person model, but since they did everything together anyway, I guess it wasn't too difficult for them. They raced down the ramp, picking up speed as they went until they reached the end of the line and flew into the air. I don't know how long they were up there, just that it probably wasn't nearly as long as it felt like. They headed towards the hoop, which was flaming brilliantly even in the daylight. For a split second, just before they reached it, I thought they weren't going to make it. That had been the fear from the start, but actually seeing it. Seeing it and being completely unable to stop it…

Well, I'm sure you understand why I collapsed under my own weight just as the twins touched down on the ground, unharmed and unfazed by what they'd just done. The crew, Usagiuma especially, were besides themselves with joy as they applauded. Usagiuma was gushing like a twelve year old fan girl and congratulating the twins on their successful run over and over again. Meanwhile, I was just busy trying to step my entire body from shaking and get back on my feet (possibly running over and punching Usagiuma in his fat face was also on my current to-do list, I will neither confirm nor deny).

I placed one hand on the ground for leverage to hoist myself up. My other hand flailed outwards, and I jumped when someone grabbed it, only inwardly growl when I realized who was holding it.

"Where have you been?" I don't know why this was the first thing that came to me, but it's what ended up coming out of my mouth in the end.

"I'm not one for playing games," Kyoya answered, his usual smirk of superiority in place. Oh, so that's what he called this. "I've been busy with other things, but enough about me. You seem stressed, aren't you enjoying yourself?"

I gawked at him as he easily pulled me back up.

"Enjoying myself?" I repeated incredulously. "You've got to be kidding me. Did you see what just happened?"

He blinked, glancing away for a few seconds at the twins, who were removing their helmets and checking each other for non-existent injuries, let's just say this was getting quite a bit of attention from the female crew members and leave it at that.

"Ah, you mean the twins' stunt," He stated with a nod. "In that case, don't worry. They're both very durable. Even if they missed their target, it would take a lot more to cause any major damage."

"I don't want to cause them damage period," I shot back. "How many times to I have to say it? I. Do not. Own you. You were delivered to me by mistake. If something happens to you, I have to pay for it. Do you understand?"

His smirk faded, that was a first. Normally nothing I ever seemed to faze him, the sole exception being yesterday at the movies, and look where that got us. Predictably, his hand went to the rim of his glasses. I didn't know robots (or androids, whatever) had nervous habits.

"Correct me if I'm wrong," He countered. "But you didn't complain nearly as much when Hunny and Mori were performing."

Admittedly, this was true. I mean yeah, I objected and tried to get them to stop, but as I was about to tell Kyoya, it wasn't exactly the same those times.

"Yeah, but their 'stunts' were more controlled. Bungee jumping and skateboarding down mountains can be dangerous, but they're not as insane as jumping through a flaming hoop on a bicycle or- or, uh-"

"Getting shot out of a canon?"

I nodded, "Right, exactly… what made you think of that?"

The last part I added once I realized Kyoya wasn't looking at me anymore. Rather, he was staring at something behind me, a look on his face I recognized as his 'amused' face. He didn't answer my query aside from a tiny head gesture, signaling me to turn around and see for myself.

Now, having heard about Kyoya, the twin, Hunny and Mori, you've probably noticed that one person is still missing. And since you already read Kyoya's 'suggestion' of someone getting shot out of a canon…

Yup. The second I turned around, there was Tamaki, not thirty feet away, about to be shoved into the end of a large canon. He noticed me, even from so far away, grinned like the idiot he was, and waved.

"HARUHI!" He shouted. "WATCH THIS!"

He was out of sight seconds later, and Usagiuma was starting the countdown once again. Had I more time to react, I probably would have screamed, ran around, and made good on that earlier potential promise to punch out Usagiuma. Since the canon went off before I could gain enough mental function back to do this, and Tamaki went flying I don't know how many feet in the air, there was only one thing I could do in the end.

All I know is that when I opened my eyes, I was in the nurse's tent, and all six of the robots were hovering over me.

Yes, that's right. I'm ashamed to say I fainted, but I did. If you were in my shoes, you would have too, believe me. Don't give me any, 'Oh, I'm a tough guy,' nonsense.

As you can imagine, none of them were harmed aside from some dirt stains that came off easily. Tamaki was going on about how much fun he had and how he wished he'd been built with flight capabilities (thank God no one was around to hear that) until the twins pointed him in the direction of a mirror. His hair was completely wind swept and messy, I hadn't realized what a soft spot Tamaki's hair was to him before then. His immediate reaction was to scream and run into the corner of the tent while the twins laughed like maniacs. It took ten minutes to pull him out of it and more ego stroking than I care to remember.

Anyway, I was let out with no problems, once it had been determined that I was fine aside from needing some good relaxation. And despite what you may think, that was actually looking like a possibility. All six (well, five) of them had completed their 'work' and were free to leave. I couldn't tell you how relieved I was, it was a stark contrast to the rest of the day's heavy anxiety, I'll tell you that.

I mean, surely they wouldn't have to do this again, right? Usagiuma had gotten his stuntmen and his stupid TV episode. That was all he needed, right? That had to be all.

Okay, I know normally I leave some parting remarks about my day or whatever, but we're going to do it a little differently tonight.

But first, I'd like to apologize if I seem extra irritable in my narration, the reason is that this whole event was so emotionally trying and so infuriating that even remembering it a year later makes me mad. Perhaps I'm exaggerating, but frankly, I don't care. It was exhausting for me and that's the end of it.

So, with that out of the way, I'm going to leave you with the parting words dear old Usagiuma-san left us with as we were about to head home. Once you read them, I'm sure you'll understand exactly why I don't have anything to say about it: If I so much as tried, it would come out only as a swirl of cursing and enraged gibberish, pretty much my thoughts at that very moments. You'll also probably understand why I've made a pledge to never sign any legal document without reading it over at least twelve times.

Here they are, word for word and burned into my skull, probably for all eternity:

"Good job today, boys. That was a great dress rehearsal. I'll see you tomorrow when we shoot it for real!"

Posted by Haruhi at 8:27 pm 0 comments