07.27.11

TEAPOT METAPHORS

Has anyone reading this ever made tea?

My dad drinks it on his days off as part of his 'Ranka Relaxation Time' as he calls it. He has a day for this once a week, likely because of how heavily caffeinated he's been keeping himself ever since he quit drinking a few months ago.

Back on topic, I've made tea plenty of times in my life; ever since I could reach the oven top at least. One of the recipes my mother left me before she died was for a specially flavored tea passed down from her Grandmother. It's probably my favorite thing to make and also my least favorite.

Yes, you read that right.

It's my favorite because when made right, the tea tastes great. I can never get enough of it and have to make two kettles worth, one for my dad and one for me.

It's my least favorite for one very simple reason:

The sound of a teapot is, in my opinion, the absolute worst sound in the universe.

You know what I'm talking about? That obnoxiously high pitched whistle whenever the tea is finished? To make it worse, TV shows are always using that sound to illustrate growing tension between the characters that eventually explodes into utter chaos. And people wonder why I don't watch TV.

Now, I'm sure you're all wondering what any of this has to do with the story.

Honestly? Nothing.

I bring it up because I want you to do something for me while you read this post: imagine that whistling sound. Imagine it getting louder and louder and louder until you're sure it's going to explode and spew scalding hot tea all over the place, burning everything in it's path.

At this point in the story, that teapot is me.

You'll understand what I mean in a few minutes.

Just to refresh your memory, I'd been locked up in a changing room by a fat butterball of a 'director' and subsequently freed by a group of employees who mistook me for a stuntwoman. Now I was floating several hundred feet in the air inside what appeared to be an elevator box made of some kind of glass material that didn't feel particularly sturdy at all.

You'd probably like to know just what kind of crazy stunt this was supposed to be. Well, the best I could figure at the time was that it was either some kind of Damsel in Distress rescue thing, or an escape artist trick. I wasn't sure which option I liked better.

It ended up being the former, as I discovered upon moving very slowly to the side of the box and looking down to see all the robots aside from, you guessed it, Kyoya, being fitted with harnesses and listening to Usagiuma as he explained something I couldn't make out while constantly pointing up in my direction.

I not going to lie to you guys: I was terrified. It's weird because I'm not usually scared of heights. I can stand on tall buildings and fly on planes with no problems whatsoever. I guess it was just knowing that the only thing keeping me from plunging to my death was a cable, rather than a dozen stories of concrete.

To be fair, I later discovered that there were safety precautions set up, so the chances of anything bad happening were a lot smaller than they appeared at the time, but I digress.

They were getting everyone ready to start, and I was fearing for my life. Usagiuma finished what he was saying and went to sit back in his director's chair, which looked way too small to hold his weight I might add, and grabbed that megaphone of his.

"Okay guys, we only get one shot at this, let's do it perfect!"

About that moment, I heard a buzzing in my eye that almost made me jump until I remember the ear piece I was wearing.

"We're about to start," the unfamiliar voice told me. "Stay in one position, don't worry about the cameras until you're out."

"Wait a minute," I shouted, clutching my ear as if that would enable him to hear me better. "There's been a huge mistake here! I'm not-"

"There'll be a close up as you're coming down, so be sure to smile big and look happy."

"Wha- ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?"

"Other than that, there's really nothing you have to do. Remember the safety protocols and we'll see you on the ground in a few minutes!"

"What safety protocols? Why aren't you answering me?" I shouted at nothing.

Literally nothing, since the voice never came back after that final word. I figured about that time that the microphone wasn't two-way, which was just great. I was so happy to have an even greater confirmation of how royally screwed I was.

Shaking, I lowered my hand and went back to staring out the side. The android's were just about to start climbing, Usagiuma signaled for the cameramen to start rolling and what looked like Hunny craned his upwards, shouting so loud that I could hear him with near perfect clarity.

"Don't worry, Stuntlady-chan, we'll get you down," He shouted, with a determination that may have sounded reassuring had he sounded more like an adult and less like a five year old. "You can count on m- Takashi, look at those cakes!"

Without warning, Hunny grabbed Mori by the arm and dragged him over to the buffet table, much to the crew's aggravation as they tried and failed to bring him back over, and to my utter disbelief and rage.

Remember that teapot metaphor.

The remaining 'rescuers' were luckily a bit more focused. Tamaki charged forward like a madman, gaining a good ten feet before the twins started to catch up. Unfortunately, as they weren't saying anything, I couldn't tell you for sure what they were thinking at the time. I can only give you my best guess.

Once Tamaki noticed the twins closing in, he gasped and his eyes immediately narrowed in concentration. He went faster, leading the twins to go faster. They more or less had a race to the top, shoving and pushing at each other the entire way. They almost lost their grip and fell around five times, at times it almost seemed like the twins wanted Tamaki to fall and vice versa.

When they were almost there, neck and neck (and neck), Tamaki suddenly let out a burst of speed. He squeezed out from in between the twins and zoomed up amid their angered shouts and curses.

I got a bit of a jolt when he appeared in front of me seemingly out of thin air, and opened the door with a key he'd apparently been holding in his hand the entire time.

I don't think he noticed at first that it was me in the box. His initial greeting was a suave smile that probably would have worked on anyone who wasn't me at the time.

"Fear not, my dear lady," He said like a corny 1950s superhero. "For I am here to rescue- Haruhi?"

He blinked, all traces of charm gone in an instant and replaced with surprise, followed to my intense frustration with cheerfulness.

"I didn't know you were a stuntwoman," He remarked with a smile. "How fun, that means you can be on the show too!"

It should be noted that at this point, I was flat on my back against the other side of the case, shaking and sweating, my eyes bugging out in fear.

Keep remembering that teapot.

"I'm NOT… a stuntwoman," I somehow managed to hiss out through my grit teeth. "Please just get me down from here, okay?"

Tamaki blinked again. He had a very particular look he wore when confused, which I assumed was including in his design to make him seem more charming and endearing. How ironic.

"Okay, Haruhi," he said a moment later, holding a hand out to me. "Don't be afraid, you're beloved prince is here to save you. I'll have you down in no tiIIIIIEEEE!"

The android was shoving aside right then, swinging to the side on the wire attached to him while I faced down identical mischievous grins.

Oh, don't tell me you forgot about the twins.

"Hey, Haruhi," they greeted me casually. "Enjoying the view?"

I was too busy alternating between staring at them and at Tamaki as he swung back down and, with an enraged shriek, attacked the twins.

"I was here first!" The blonde screamed as he shoved Hikaru away by his face. "That mean's I'M saving her!"

The twins collectively scowled at him, using one hand each to push the crazed Tamaki as far away from them as they could.

"Uh-uh, it's two to one against you," they informed him smugly.

"NO IT DOESN'T," Tamaki screamed back at them, grabbing their arms and wrenching them away. "I was built before you two, so I have seniority here!"

"Hardly," was the response.

"I don't care WHO saves me!" I shouted, stepping forward without thinking. "JUST ONE OF YOU GET ME DOWN!"

Several things happened at that moment.

First, Usagiuma started shouting something into his megaphone about going against the script or whatever.

Second, one of the twins, in an attempt to gain leverage, grabbed the top of the case and pushed down, causing it to swing once he let go.

Finally, and most predictably I suppose given that I'm not the most coordinated person in the world, I made a frantic attempt to steady myself, which lead to the opposite effect when my feet slid out from under me and I fell flat on my stomach. I slipped feet first out the wide open door, catching myself just as I'd gone completely over and struggling to hold onto the edges of the case while dangling several hundred feet in air with no support.

Everyone down below gasped, and a couple even started screaming. This turned out to be a good thing since it alerted the robots to something being wrong, affectively ending their pointless fight.

Tamaki's jaw dropped as he swung towards me.

"Haruhi!" He shouted. "Grab my hand!"

"No, grab our hands!" The twins cried, rushing forward.

"You two stay out of this," Tamaki snapped at them. "This is all your fault anyway!"

I don't remember the rest of what they said since I was too busy staring at my slipping fingers and trying with all my strength to pull myself back into the box. I was never very good with physical education, I even opted out of gym every year of my school career so far. I guess it's no wonder I ended up falling.

Falling to your death is kind of weird. It feels like all the air has been forcibly ripped from your chest and your throats been closed off. I fell feet first, but I could still see the ground getting closer and closer by the second. People ran to get out of the way, and even louder screams could be heard all over. One of them was even calling my name.

At least, that's what I thought until I looked up and saw Tamaki falling just a few feet above me, hand outstretched as far as it could go.

"HARUHI! TAKE MY HAND!"

I managed to hear that over the rushing wind. My mouth was open wide, but I made no sound, I was too afraid. I figured right then, in my last moments of life, that at least I wouldn't have to worry about these stupid robots anymore. Hell, one of them was apparently going to die with me.

I reached out to him anyway. My fingers just barely hooking into his. His next move was so fast it made my head spin. Somehow, he pulled me into his arms and closed to his chest. Then he managed to flip himself over so he'd land on his feet instead of his head. Clutching me tight, he landed hard on his feet, bending down to absorb the shock as he hit. I still felt it in spite of his efforts, in fact, the splitting headache that developed as a result of this didn't go away for hours.

Moments after rebooting my mind and finding that I was indeed still alive, I heard another pair of thuds. The twins landing right next to us and examined the scene with looks of annoyance and jealousy. They 'humph-ed'.

"We could have done that."

I imagine Tamaki was feeling very pleased with himself at the moment. He had, after all, saved my life. And don't think I'm a selfish person for what you read next, because I did feel grateful to him. It's just that I was also feeling very scared, exhausted, shocked and more than anything else, angry. Very, intensely angry at all of them.

Hear that teapot whistling yet?

As for the crew members, they were in stunned silence from the moment Tamaki and the twins broke their suspension cables to the moment of our landing. I was still in shock and clutching at Tamaki's shirt, but I started to come out of it about the time they started cheering and applauding us.

"Oh man, that was awesome!" One crew member shouted.

"Way better than what we had planned," said another one. "These guys sure know how to improvise."

"This is gold," Usagiuma gushed. "I can just taste the awards."

I've just realized that I've used up every insulting word or phrase that I have for this guy. Oh well.

"Wow, Haru-chan!" Hunny cried as he and Mori approached. "You were really cool. So were you, Tama-chan!"

"What about us?" The twins muttered.

Tamaki was absolutely glowing at the praise, and hugged me to him tighter than ever.

"Oh, it was nothing," he then looked down at me with a loving expression. "Anything for my Haruhi."

I don't really know what it was. It could have been that statement, or maybe it was completely random. The shaking came to a stop and my stomach settled. I fidgeted roughly in Tamaki's arms until he got the hint and (reluctantly) let go. I stood on legs like jelly, and somehow managed to back away from the five robots while the crew members continued to look on.

"It something wrong, Haru-chan?" Hunny was the first to notice my lack of joy.

I shook my head.

"Yes Hunny, something is very wrong," I told him in barely a whisper. "Very wrong indeed."

"I'll say," a familiar voice said from behind me. I didn't even need to turn around to know that it was Kyoya. "Didn't you know that you aren't allowed to participate without a contract, Haruhi?"

The bespectacled android moved to stand in front of me, giving me a clear view of his signature smirking face.

"How would you know?" I retorted, my breathing heavy. "None of you even read the contract!"

Kyoya clicked his tongue and shook his head, as if he were scolding me.

"Now, Haruhi," he began. "Don't be silly, of course we read it. Or I did anyway."

"You had it for barely two seconds!" I cried, getting up on tip-toes in a vain attempt to look him in the eye (stupid tall robot…).

If possible, his smirk got bigger.

"Two seconds is enough when your emergency ability is speed reading," he explained. "I can read up to 1,000 pages in the blink of an eye."

…

…

…

Here's where that teapot thing comes into effect. Really, this has been in the making since the day I got these robots. Everything that's happened to far, all the pain, the fear, the pestering, the shock; really, it was only a matter of time before this happened.

Before I exploded.

"YOU BASTARD!" They even got me to swear at them. "YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, ANY OF YOU! YOU'RE ALL THE MOST ANNOYING, FRUSTRATING, IDIOTIC, UNHELPFUL PAINS IN MY ASS EVER!"

I wish I could describe the looks on their faces as I went completely red and rounded on each of them.

"YOU ARE A MANCHILD," I shouted at Hunny. "YOUR GIMMICK ISN'T CUTE, IT'S STUPID AND ANNOYING!"

Next was Mori.

"AND YOU MIGHT AS WELL NOT EVEN BE HERE FOR ALL YOU DO OR SAY."

And the twins.

"YOU ARE DISTURBING. THERE IS NOTHING APPEALING ABOUT BEING EXACTLY THE SAME, IT'S JUST WEIRD."

And Kyoya.

"YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST. YOU NEVER HELP, YOU JUST ACT LIKE A DICK AND MAKE EVERYTHING MORE DIFFICULT. YOU ARE SCUM! NO, THAT'S INSULTING TO THE SCUM.

Tamaki.

"YOU'RE A COMPLETE NARCISSISTIC IDIOT. WHEN WILL YOU GET IT THROUGH YOUR STUPID HEAD THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU? ANY OF YOU!

"IN FACT, I HATE YOU ALL. I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH I CAN BARELY STAND IT!"

I started walking, pushing past the dumbfounded crew and not caring what the robot's reaction to this was. I didn't even look back when I said my last to them.

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING BACK TO MY PLACE! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACES AGAIN!"

For the record, that's word for word what I said to them. A lot of the dialogue has some minor embellishments (mostly just words used, nothing important) because it's been so long that I can't remember absolutely everything.

I remember this moment with such perfect clarity that it's scary. I remember running off the set towards the street, following it to the nearest town, hailing a cab, and going straight home. I remember paying the driver, walking up the steps, putting the key in the lock, opening the door, closing it behind me, kicking my shoes off, and finally, collapsing on the couch. That's right, I was too tired to even walk into my bedroom.

It's like the whole thing was burned into my brain with a blow torch. Even now I can't help but recall it sometimes. Whenever I do, I try my hardest to push it away, using memories of what happened the next day. You'll find out about that next time.

On that day, I didn't have the memory of the next day to cheer myself up with. All I had were the events of that very day to go over in my head again and again.

And slowly, my anger faded, only to be replaced by loneliness and regret as I stared aimlessly at the partially open closet across the room, where the side of one of their crates was barely visible.

Posted by Haruhi at 9:10 pm 0 comments