Spit It Out

by varg.grimoire

Sanji has repelled love for his entire life as countless events destroyed his trust in it. Unable to deal with his emotions, he indulges in the pleasures of the flesh with random strangers while Zoro, his childhood best friend, is left aside to watch. They share the dream of bringing their metal band to a professional level, but their hearts and minds will make it ever so hard.

19. Chapter 19

A/N: Here we are again, I'm still not dead and I still haven't given up on this story... Though I had started hating it with a passion, throughout these past months, haha. There are days in which it just didn't want to get written, and days in which I literally couldn't stop writing. I can't make promises about fast updates, because they aren't going to happen, not now that pretty much three years have passed since the beginning of this story, and so much has changed in my life.

Yet I cannot thank enough each and everyone of you for being so supportive and kind, and really respectful to me! I read all your messages, I try to answer every one of them and cherish every lovely word you write to me, you're all so amazing, you have no idea! Thank you so so so much!

Remember that you can find me on tumblr, my url is marimoyaro, and you can drop me an ask whenever!

So after... How many? Four months, give or take? Here, enjoy!

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Chapter 19

Everything was happening in a blur, too fast and too loud for Sanji to really understand what was going on. His mind was hazed, elsewhere, his ears muffled as Freakshow rehearsed and all his friends danced and enjoyed the industrial tunes.

He was there but not really, his insides vibrating to the violent thumping of the drums, his chest quivering with the sounds but his heart and mind where somewhere else entirely. Sanji had no idea that it was going to get that bad, he wanted to keep his brain busy but instead he felt like his soul was miles away from there, in a place where nothing could possibly harm him.

He had no idea about how long the soundcheck took, he just knew that at one point he snapped back to reality and sooner than he expected Nami was snapping her fingers in front of his nose.

"Are you here with us?" she asked with a frown, her confused eyes were unnaturally red and it took Sanji a few seconds to understand that she was obviously wearing contacts.

Sanji blinked several times, feeling his own lenses move slightly underneath his eyelids, then nodded slowly.

"Yeah, just..." Sanji started, touching his forehead softly and being careful to not mess up his foundation "I need a drink."

Nami's eyebrow cocked, then she exchanged glances with Vivi and Usopp. Sanji rarely drank before shows, he knew alcohol affected him pretty heavily and would never start a show while being intoxicated, it just wasn't his style.

"C'mon don't give me that look, guys! Just a beer will do." Sanji insisted.

"Alright, alright. I'll get you one, but you guys gotta do your soundcheck... Now." Usopp pressed.

Sanji ran his long fingers through his hair "Fine, let's go," he sighed, then stabbed his forefinger in Usopp's direction "but you gotta get me that beer, alright?"

Usopp nodded "I will. Just go on stage, everyone's up there already."

Nami tipped her head in the direction of the stage ladder "Let's go." she patted Sanji's shoulder and climbed up before Sanji even got a chance to move.

He stood there for a few seconds. He could feel a pair of eyes burning the back of his skull, and when he turned around just out of curiosity, he found Perona glaring daggers at him. Sanji climbed up on stage so quickly that he nearly fell face first onto the crappy linoleum floor.

He had no idea as to what was actually going on with him, didn't know how he could have sort of blacked out for the past minutes while still being able to stand and move around. He did know what to blame it on, though, it wasn't too hard to know that no matter how much he tried to push the thought away, seeing Bartolomeo behind the drums made him want to pass out for the rest of the entire night.

Sanji thought he was simply denying that whole thing so hard that his mind shut down completely, but that was an awful reaction if he really needed to give his best on the stage, that night. Booze was going to help him relax, and that was the only reason why he'd willingly perform while being tipsy, he knew he wasn't going to be able to face the crowd otherwise, no matter how much he tried to just play it off like it was an easy job.

–

Soundcheck lasted more than Freakshow's, apparently the instruments and the sound system weren't exactly cooperating, and Franky and Usopp had a hard time setting everything up properly. Sanji kept spacing out, worrying the entire band and earning him a fair share of weird looks and questions about his well being.

"Shit guys, gimme a goddamn break!" the singer bursted at one point as he broke away from the microphone "I need some fresh air, alright?" he stepped down from the stage and walked off in the direction of the back door, leaving everyone behind dumbfounded.

Sanji grabbed a beer on his way out, the one that Usopp was starting to definitely think about not providing him with, but obviously stumbled into the last person he needed to be confronted by.

"So you actually went through with this madness?" Perona asked as she stood between Sanji and the exit.

"It's just a beer." Sanji played dumb as he showed her the can in his hand.

"Don't be a smartass with me, Blackleg!" Perona groaned, rolling her big black eyes.

"What the fuck do you want from me?! Honestly!" Sanji growled, exasperated. He just needed a moment alone, and starting to be guilt tripped by Zoro's crazy fangirl was the absolute last thing he needed.

Perona gave him an unsure look, she probably wasn't expecting that reaction from Sanji, since he was always kind to her, even when he didn't mean it.

"You gotta bring Zoro back!" she said, anyway.

Sanji deadpanned at her, unable to say anything. That was torture, it definitely was some kind of infernal punishment he had been cursed with. He couldn't bare with that, not at the moment.

"This isn't the time nor the place to discuss this. I don't have to do anything, actually. Zoro made a choice and we're respecting it," Sanji lied through his teeth, he couldn't respect that decision even if he should have "try to respect it yourself." he concluded in the coldest of tones, then pushed past the bewildered girl to finally get outside.

Sanji hadn't noticed how hard his heart was racing in his chest, nor the pounding in his head. He couldn't keep on going like that, he was going to have a stroke before the venue even filled up with people.

Sanji tore the can open, taking a big, avid swig of ale before he could let his brain go any wilder. Maybe he should have actually gone on stage completely wasted, but then again he didn't want to make a fool of himself or ruin the entire show for everyone. He needed to calm the fuck down.

"It can't work like this."

Sanji choked on his drink and started coughing furiously as Nami's mildly threatening voice took him by utter surprise.

"You tryina kill me?" Sanji croaked as he turned to her.

Nami rolled her eyes and shook her head "You need to get a goddamn grip, Sanji."

Sanji huffed "Like I didn't know that." he shook his head and, this time, took a smaller sip of beer.

"Well, just knowing it isn't gonna cover it." Nami continued "You actually need to do something about it."

Sanji's eyes fell shut as he took a deep breath "I thought I said I needed to be alone."

Nami shrugged "Well, you clearly need to not be alone."

Wasn't he wearing a full face of makeup, Sanji would have probably scrubbed a hand down his face in pure frustration. He could feel his sanity dripping out of him like droplets of water from a chunk of ice, he was being directly exposed to the heat of insanity and he didn't know how to run away from it any longer.

"You don't have to do this alone," Nami started, stepping closer to the singer and placing a fishnet gloved hand on his shoulder "you can't do this alone." she precised, squeezing his shoulder.

Sanji looked at her, his throat knotting up as soon as those words left her lips, he didn't know what he had done to deserve Nami's friendship, he seriously had no idea, but he was beyond thankful for her.

"Why are you so kind to me? I'm a useless piece of shit." Sanji groaned, then tried to swallow the annoying knot in the back of his throat that threatened to crack his voice.

A chuckle escaped Nami's lips as she shook her head "You are a bit of a shit, but I love you and I don't wanna see you like this." then with a head tilt she added "Also I'd be really angry if you fucked up tonight's performance, so I need you at your best." she cracked a devious smirk.

Sanji snorted, a small smirk finally pulling at his lips "Knew you had to have a motive for being so sweet."

Nami nudged him with her arm "C'mon, you know I can be nice when I wanna... And I actually wanna." she gave a nod.

Sanji looked down at his hand, remembering he was actually holding a drink in it, so he sipped on the still cold beer that felt incredibly refreshing as it washed down his throat.

"I've been fucking awful to everyone lately." he muttered into the can, looking ahead into the night.

"You are awful eighty percent of the time, so I wouldn't worry too much." Nami replied, and Sanji could hear the shit eating grin in her voice.

"Thanks." Sanji rolled his eyes, then finished off the rest of his beer, still avoiding Nami's gaze. "I can't go up that fucking stage without him." he growled through gritted teeth, his fingers crumpling up the tin in his hand.

"You gotta." Nami deadpanned, and Sanji finally turned to look at her with a frown "No matter what, you have to."

"It doesn't feel right." Sanji shook his head, he could feel his anxiety creeping back, but this time he didn't want to give in to it.

"You're not alone, Sanji. We'll be all there with you," Nami started "it doesn't feel right for us, too... But we gotta stick together and do this, because we deserve it!"

"I don't..." Sanji shrugged "I deserve fucking nothing, to be honest."

Nami groaned as she threw her head back "Look, stop pitying your damn self and start thinking about the fact that you cannot let this band die, nor you can disappoint our fans."

"I stabbed this band in the fucking back, already." Sanji sighed, then cried out when Nami slapped the back of his head as hard as she could "Ow! What the fuck?!" he glared at the girl as he rubbed the sore spot on his head.

"You're so annoying, holy shit!" Nami tried to keep herself from shouting "If you wanna fix this, you gotta do something about it!" she growled, clearly done with coddling the blond.

Sanji rolled his eyes "Right, that's so easy! Zoro doesn't even wanna see me anymore!"

"Well you're a pair of immature fucks, if you ask me!" Nami went on "You gotta try and talk to him, no matter what!"

Sanji stared at Nami as if she had lost her mind, she looked as serious as a heart attack and he couldn't even think about trying and reach out to Zoro, he knew he wouldn't want to even remotely hear or read even a simple 'hello' from Sanji.

"Well, what about you?" Sanji started "Have you talked to him? He's your friend, too." he knew he shouldn't be tossing the ball to someone else, but it was the only way to try and squirm out of such situation.

Nami's expression faltered, she wasn't as adamant looking as a few moment earlier, her eyes shied away from Sanji's as she shook her head.

"It's like he's disappeared." Nami spoke in a soft voice, her gaze focusing on her boots, or a few inches away from them.

Sanji felt something tugging at his stomach, probably disappointment, or something between disappointment and relief, he couldn't really tell. He was at the same time happy to know that Zoro hadn't reached out for anyone else, leaving him in complete darkness, but he was also disappointed that there seemed to be no way of knowing how he was holding up, where he was or if he even was alive, for the matter.

"He's such an idiot for doing this," Nami growled lowly, then shook her head "or maybe he isn't, I just don't know!" she cried, voice laced with frustration.

"Let's get back to the part where he's actually an idiot," Sanji nodded "I like that part."

Nami lifted her eyes back on Sanji, staring at him as if she was facing a the biggest imbecile on the planet "You're an idiot just as much as he is," she corrected him "you both are, in this picture."

Sanji was suddenly itching for a cigarette, or maybe another can of cold ale. Maybe both things would have been great in that moment. He found his nails scraping at the palms of both his hands without even realizing it.

"How long 'til the show?" Sanji asked, no longer willing to stay on the same topic. By that point he just wanted to get everything over with, so he could just go back to not having a boulder of performance anxiety sitting on his chest.

Nami pulled her phone out of her bra, clearly in order to check the time, but Sanji choked on his own saliva.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Nami asked with furrowed eyebrows as she watched Sanji coughing while being practically bent in a half.

"W-what are you? Why were you keeping it there?!" Sanji cried.

Nami groaned, rolling her eyes into the back of her skull "Look, they're just a pair of tits. Go back to thinking about dicks, it's better."

Sanji huffed, then shook his head. In that precise moment he realize how much he had missed that kind of banter with Nami, the relaxed, carefree talking about things that were merely trivial and not stuff that held their futures at the stake. He wanted to go back to that, wanted things to simmer down to normalcy and... And why not? He wanted things to be boring and calm, at least for once, after everything that had happened.

"You better not be smiling at my rack, boy." Nami went on after she had checked her phone and stuffed it back where it belonged "It isn't yours to stare at."

Sanji blinked as if he'd been awaken from a slumber, and once he was aware of his muscles again he could sense that he had in fact started smiling for no particular reason at all. He licked his lips and shook his head, this time aware of what he was actually doing.

"I know, I know, it's Vivi's. Don't worry." Sanji raised his hands in surrender.

A smirk curled Nami's lips, clearly liking what she'd heard "That's right." then she reached out a hand to pat on Sanji's shoulder "We're practically up now, you think you can do this?" she asked, her expression and tone were serious again.

Sanji felt his stomach drop, as if he had suddenly been thrown out of a high ravine, he wasn't ready for reality to creep back so soon, he just wanted to stay out there chatting forever.

"Do I have to?" He whined slightly.

Nami sighed "Yes, you do. You're the Crow Prince, we can't do this without you." she shrugged her shoulders.

Sanji pressed his lips together. He was the Crow Prince, yes. He needed to slip back into his persona again, he owed it to his friends and fans, even if the mere thought of that Zoro-less stage frightened more than death itself.

"Sanji?" Nami called out softly, her head tipping slightly to the side.

Sanji nodded, heaving a breath that he'd been holding since he'd pressed his lips together, as tight as humanly possible.

"I'm the Crow Prince, I gotta be ready." Sanji echoed, in the wake of Nami's words.

"That's what I wanted to hear." The keyboardist beamed at Sanji, her hand moving briefly to squeeze Sanji's, then she disappeared inside as quick as lightning.

Sanji stayed behind, still lingering in that safe zone. Nami was probably the best thing he could have asked for in times like those, she could have been spending those precious minutes with her girlfriend, yet she had chosen to give her full support to an imbecile like him.

Sanji felt the corners of his eyes sting for a moment, and he cursed out loud, he couldn't cry right before hopping on stage, he didn't have time to touch his makeup up! He tried to suck back his tears, just like they do in cartoons, forbidding the tiniest of droplets to even think about rolling down his eyes and smear eyeshadow, eyeliner and foundation in the process.

He shook his head and marched back inside with the confidence that Nami had magically boosted inside of him, and tried to convince himself as much as he could that he couldn't be Sanji in that moment, he couldn't be the vulnerable, heartbroken blond guy who wanted nothing more than give in to booze and tobacco, he needed to be the Crow Prince, the singer who radiated confidence and sensuality from each and everyone of his pores, he needed to be sex on legs and lust in a voice.

The more steps ahead he took the more layers of self-consciousness he peeled off, he saw his friends all dressed up, jumping, stomping their feet and doing anything they could to loose the tension, and felt the Crow Prince taking over – even when he saw Bartolomeo shirtless, twirling drumsticks in each of his hands.

"Let's tear this motherfucking place down." Sanji growled low once he'd finally stopped in front of his band.

Everyone stared at him in bewilderment, then roared their approval as they waited for the lights to go off and climb on stage one by one, leaving Sanji for last.

"Hey..."

Sanji raised his eyes on the last person who needed to step on the ladder before him: Ace. He was simply gorgeous, with his shoulder length black hair, the red circle lenses and all that black eyeshadow to grace the shape of his eyes, Sanji felt shame in thinking that, but he couldn't help his eyes.

"What?" Sanji croaked out, eyes straying away from Ace's "Just go on." he said as he tipped his chin in the direction of the stage.

"I just wanted to tell you that–" Ace started, but Sanji couldn't take that, not in that moment, no matter what it would have been.

"Please Ace, just go. Tell me later." Sanji cut him off as he waved his hand in the direction of the ladder.

Ace stiffened, his eyes widening as he heard Sanji finally utter his name after all that time.

"O-okay... Y-yeah." Ace stuttered and nearly tripped as he resumed his walk towards the stage ladder.

Sanji shook his head, what the fuck was happening that night?!

He slowly counted up to ten after the crowd screamed out Ace's name, then finally made his way up the stage, smirking at the hysterical yelling and finally standing in front of his microphone. He looked to the right to find Luffy, beaming at him, then looked to the left, where Ace was waving at the people in first couple of rows. Sanji waited for the drums to cue everyone in, then he sung out in unison with Nami, Ace and Luffy:

"I wish I had an angel for one moment of love, I wish I had your angel tonight!"

The music started, loud and aggressive in its beauty, and Sanji let it completely soak and enrapture him.

He flushed out the poison in his mind, he lifted off the boulder from his chest, his heart hammered to the beat of the music, his lungs blossomed with the power of his voice. Everything was different on that stage, the world was so much less ugly from up there, there were no problems when Sanji was enveloped by music, especially if he managed to never turn completely around and forget about the wrong person behind the drums.

Sanji was sexy again, feline in his movements, gorgeous in the way he interacted with his audience, he felt beautiful and meaningful, he felt like he belonged and he felt more loved than he could possibly imagine. He spotted all their usual fans in the front row, Duval and Hancock were there too, and instead of being annoyed by their presence he felt blessed for their loyalty.

One song bled into the other, until that fatal moment struck. Sanji didn't know what was going to happen when the first notes of Shamandalie would resonate through the venue, so he had decided that closing their performance with it would be the best option.

Up until then Sanji had been the Crow Prince, he had done his best to make everyone happy, to let the audience enjoy themselves, but now that that particular song was coming up he needed to shed the Prince's skin, he needed to slip back on his cracked armor, to let the broken edges cut through his skin again, it was time to bleed in front of the audience and expose his soul, but he didn't know if he was truly ready.

He turned to Nami, accurately avoiding directly looking at Bartolomeo filling in for Zoro, his eyes were full of fear as he looked at her. She reached out a hand, beckoning for Sanji to get closer to her, and so he did.

"You've done so great 'til now, you can do this!" Nami spoke in a tone loud enough to be heard over the crowd's noise, but soft enough to let only Sanji hear about it.

Sanji frowned, shaking his head "I'm afraid to cry in front of everyone."

Nami shrugged a shoulder "The audience will know that it's 'cause it means something to you. They'll love it." she encouraged him with a smile.

Sanji sucked in a deep breath, then moved to pick up a small bottle of water from a crate placed on the far left of the stage. He took a large sip, smirking around the neck of the plastic bottle when people started chanting his name. Sanji set the bottle back down on the crate and moved towards the mic stand to speak into it.

"I'm here, I'm here! I just needed a short break," he began, and a loud, excited yell erupted from the audience "this is gonna be the last song for tonight. It's a very beautiful song, one I hold very dear, and I hope I can do it the justice that it deserves." Sanji didn't announce the song, he wanted it to be a surprise in a way. He hung his head, closing his eyes as Nami played the intro to Shamandalie, cuing everyone else in.

Isn't it weird how music is just there, songs exist and it's like some of them can tell the story of your life as if they'd been crafted around it? As if the author knows you like the palm of their hand, they know what you've gone through, know your pain well enough to echo it with melodies and lyrics.

They can whisper or shout in your ears about that person who broke you all those years ago, about how much you loathe your enemy, it describes the way your heart broke when the person you loved went away and took a few shattered pieces with them.

You forged memories through songs, even those you can't even stand a few notes of, you can listen to a track and remember so many things about your life, happy, miserable, angry, everything's absurdly framed by chords and words knowingly and perfectly mixed together.

Shamandalie was Sanji's life in a song and only recently he had come to terms with this truth, and there was nothing that frightened him more than wearing his heart on his sleeve the way he was going to do that night, in front of all his fans.

He could feel his throat knotting up in anticipation of the lyrics to come, words tangled around his vocal cords, feelings twisting up his stomach like a ball of yarn. He let out a shaky breath and quickly inhaled again, just in time to start out the song and hope for the best – having a shaky, unsteady voice as he sung would have probably destroyed him.

Sanji's eyes were shut as he focused on his entire body and everything that went on with it, he needed to even out his breathing, keep his diaphragm in check and not let any tear roll its way down his cheeks.

He managed to keep everything under control perfectly during the first stanza, everything sounded clean and perfect, just the way he wanted, though it could feel a little too impersonal to a foreign ear, not to mention that he was clearly holding back, keeping the real power of his voice caged.

He could only wish to not get emotional as he feared, though, because once again the lyrics struck him hard and merciless, and his voice faltered during the first bridge, he sucked in a sharp breath that rustled metallic through the speakers and went on, his voice slightly hoarse as he sung out "Sometimes we break the unbreakable, sometimes?"

He allowed himself to loosen up slightly as he went through the bridge one more time, this time feeling it more, letting it hit closer to home, until he finally opened his eyes and let his voice roam free out of its cage, powerful and thick with pain.

"I was unable to cope with what you said
Sometimes we need to be cruel to be kind
Child that I was, could not see the reason
Feelings I had were but sham and I lie?"

He was shaking by that point, his stomach quivering with effort and emotion, his eyes fell shut again as he went on. He had always been a child, childish in the way he toyed with everyone's feelings, especially Zoro's, even if unknowingly. But Zoro knew perfectly, it was true that he had probably always seen their relationship clearer than Sanji could ever have, and all that clarity cut Sanji like a knife.

He let it all out.

He let go.

He forgot about restraint.

Forgot about trying to hold back.

Refused to not show his suffering.

He sung his heart out, all that pain and anger, anger towards Zoro for abandoning him, anger towards himself for letting Zoro slip through his fingers. Everything poured out along with his voice, along with the tears he allowed to stream down his face, free and unrestrained, his image of being heartless and cold didn't matter anymore.

The last notes played by Nami's keyboard simmered down, leaving room for a thunderous applause, an applause followed by no hollering, by no whistling, something that had never happened before, and when Sanji lifted his eyes on the crowd everyone looked positively astonished, many faces were just as tear stricken as Sanji's, and he couldn't help but cover his mouth with his right hand, completely overwhelmed.

He turned to his band, everyone was standing as they received the applause and Nami and Luffy were beaming at Sanji. Sanji didn't dare touch his face, he had no idea of which part of his features the mixture of eyeshadow and eyeliner had reached, and even though he could either look like The Crow or a member of Dark Funeral, he really didn't want to mess with his makeup any further.

He turned to the crowd again, clearing his throat twice before actually speaking into the mic without sounding like a strangled duck. Everyone was staring at him with this sort of dreamy look in their eyes, Duval was still bawling his eyeballs out while Hancock swatted his hands away as he tried to reach for her bat sleeves, probably to wipe his tears off on them.

"Thank you so much, everyone! You're the best audience we could ask for!" Sanji started, he wasn't going to mention the fact that he had let his emotion get the best of him "This is it for tonight, we hope to see you again soon. As always, we are Murder Of Crows, goodnight!"

Sanji didn't linger, didn't hesitate, he just waved to the crowd one last time before taking off in the direction of the ladder to leave the stage as quickly as his legs allowed him to.

He ended up running straight into Franky, who barked out a laugh and held him by the shoulders as Usopp, Vivi and Brook quickly surrounded him with loud cheering and whooping. Sanji just wanted to go and fix his makeup without having to deal with anyone for at least a couple minutes, but of course he wasn't allowed to.

"That was just amazing! Sanji you're a force of nature!" Brook cried out, an octave higher than usual.

"You gave me chills, bro, I shed a few tears, not gonna lie!" Franky commented with a nod.

"I nearly fucked up with the lights because I was just paralyzed… You're too good, Sanji!" Usopp admitted, a huge grin threatening to split his face.

"Let him breathe, let him breathe!" Robin chimed in, batting Franky's hands off of Sanji's shoulders.

Vivi stepped in and enveloped the singer into a hug as she whispered "You did so great, Sanji."

Sanji was dizzy, numb, he couldn't even react to all those frustrating attentions, but he managed to smile softly at everyone before raising a hand "Thanks I just…" he gestured in the direction of the changing rooms.

"Oh sure, sure!" Franky said as he stepped aside to let him through.

Sanji managed to slip past him before the rest of the band could catch up with everyone. He saw Freakshow approaching out of the corner of his eye and sped up into the changing room, making sure to lock the door behind him.

Sanji rested his back against the scraped wooden surface, his chest feeling hollow, his entire body drained of all its energy. He couldn't believe what he had done, he didn't know whether he was regretting baring his soul like he had just done or if it had been as liberating as he'd hoped.

He felt a nasty sensation brewing into the pit of his stomach, something very much similar to anguish and shame in the wake of that stunt he had decided to pull. Sure, the audience had seemed to love the song and the absolutely genuine way in which he sung it, but what would more neutral people think of him? He was just a stupid faggot who cried during gigs, what a fucking pathetic show to witness. Surely Eustass and the others didn't want him to share the stage with him any longer.

A couple knocks on the door made him violently jerk back to reality.

"Fuck…" he whispered "What?"

"Blackleg," a deep, throaty voice called out "We're up in ten, Death March is the third song, still up for it?"

Sanji recognized Kidd's voice and his lower lip trembled as he tried to pull himself back together "Y-yeah… Sure. Just gotta–" he cleared his throat "I'm touching up my makeup, I'll be out on time."

"You still remember the words, yeah?"

"Of course. Go on."

Remember them? The lyrics to that song were permanently seared into his mind, and in that very moment they were whispering into his ear as a reminder of who he really was.

Sanji heard the heavy stomping of Kidd's boots as he walked away from the door, and just when he was able to heave a relieved breath someone else knocked again.

"What now?!" Sanji growled.

"It's… It's Ace."

Sanji's eyelids fell shut. Why was the universe still so angry at him? Hadn't he paid his dues, already?

"Unless you need to change or something I'm not letting you in." Sanji warned him.

There were a few moments of silence in which Sanji thought that Ace was trying to come up with some excuse, then the brunet spoke again.

"I promise I'll just use the shower."

Sanji stared blankly at the door, then shook his head. Did he really need to be naked around Sanji?

"Whatever." Sanji sighed as he unlocked the door.

He didn't wait for Ace to step inside, he moved towards the mirror he had used to do his makeup, and finally witnessed the aftermath of Shamandalie. It didn't look as bad as he had thought, but he did have a few faded, black streaks smeared down his cheeks. Sanji sat down to fix the mess and saw Ace staring at him through the mirror.

"Weren't you gonna get a shower?" Sanji muttered as he started to remove the streaks from his face.

Ace shrugged "I just wanted to know if–"

Sanji turned around, his eyebrows shooting up "Just fucking go get the damn shower!"

Ace rolled his eyes "Alright!" he huffed and finally made his way to the showers.

Sanji shook his head as he finally turned around to finish what he had started, and tried really hard not to peek at Ace while he heard the rustling of clothes being removed.

He had no idea what Ace's problem was, nor did he know what the hell he wanted to talk about, since they had stopped speaking after their last arguments. Sanji didn't know if he wanted an apology, or if he wanted to apologize. What Ace had done was still something that they should have mutually agreed upon but he had decided to just go and confess everything without Sanji's consent. He didn't feel like going over everything once more, no matter what, sure he knew that they both shared the same amount of blame, or maybe Sanji had a bigger slice of it for convincing Ace to have drunken sex with him, but it wasn't like Ace hadn't jerked him off, too.

Suddenly Sanji was brought back to that night, scenes from their intoxicated messing around flashed before him, and not too long after his mind presented him with what had happened the morning after. He remembered Ace's panic, the way in which he desperately pulled at his own hair, the despair in his voice, but also the stubbornness when he kept insisting that they should have told Zoro everything.

Sanji kept himself from pressing both hands against his eyes to shut off his brain, to keep the memories from flowing back in and tear him apart once again. He couldn't let his mind wander to that part of his memory where Zoro told him he never wanted to see him again.

He swallowed thickly and listened to the shower door closing and the water being turned on, he heard a soft curse from Ace and then Sanji looked at himself in the mirror. He needed to fix his damn makeup and not think about anything else, he was just going to masterly avoid Ace just like he had always done lately, so that he didn't have to face him alone again.

He touched up his face the best he could and left the changing room before Ace could come out of the shower. Freakshow were already on stage, he had no idea of how many songs they had already played, so he quickly reached the backstage to see if any of his friends were around.

Sanji recognized the song that was playing in the background but could place it in the setlist, nor could he remember the title to save his life, it didn't matter though, someone would have been sent to get him if it was time for him to hop on stage.

There was no one in the leisure area, none of his friends, at least, just a couple guys that he knew were part of the Freakshow crew. Not that he remembered their names, of course, they were two weird guys practically attached to the hip that he had seen several times during the tour but had never spoken to. One of them was always wearing an odd as hell hat shaped like a penguin head, the other a turquoise and pink gatsby hat. Sanji stared at them for a while, deciding if it was actually safe to get into a conversation with them, then he just shrugged and walked up to the duo.

"Hey, uh… You're Freakshow's crew, right?" Sanji started.

The gatsby hat boy looked up at him, or at least Sanji assumed he was, because the cap was pressed over his eyes so much that he couldn't even see them.

"Yeah! You're Sanji! Hi!"

Sanji cracked a small smile, he wasn't really in the mood for pleasantries, but he needed to be as civilized as he could.

"I am, yes. Sorry, I can't remember your names." the singer lied through his teeth.

"I'm Shachi, and he's Penguin." The gatsby hat boy replied, jabbing his thumb towards the guy beside him who raised his hand in greeting.

"Hey there."

Penguin. It was that simple. Also, he truly hoped that wasn't the guy's real name.

Sanji tried not to look too weirded out as he went on speaking "That's right!" he gave a nod "So, do you know when are they performing Death March? I gotta be on stage with them."

"Ah yeah, they're two songs in, you're up next." Shachi gave him a thumbs up.

"Oh," Sanji raised his thumb in return "alright, thank you."

"No prob." Shachi nodded, then moved along to go get something to drink from the fridge with Penguin.

Sanji heaved out a long, shaky sigh. He was on time for the song, but at the same time he was being a bit nervous about going back on stage. He knew that he surely wasn't going to get emotional during Death March, yet he still didn't feel a hundred percent ready to face the crowd again.

He turned around to make his way to the stage ladder and found all his friends – except Ace, of course – grouped there, enjoying the show. He stopped by Luffy and Usopp who were standing not too far behind from Nami and Vivi.

"See, I told you he'd come back on time." Robin announced with a small smirk.

Bartolomeo turned around as soon as he heard Robin's voice, the grin on his face fading as soon as he met Sanji's. Good, the last thing he wanted was having Bartolomeo speak to him.

"Hey, there. We thought you weren't coming back!" Usopp greeted him with a pat on his back.

"Hey, it's almost time for you!" Luffy grinned at him.

Sanji gave a small smirk "Yeah, I'm still alive."

Vivi and Nami turned to look at them and stepped closer to Sanji.

"Everything alright?" Nami asked as she reached out to squeeze Sanji's hand, affectionately.

Sanji nodded "Sure, my lady." he cracked a crooked grin.

Nami rolled her eyes, laughing softly "Good."

"He's being flirty again. He's fine." Vivi commented with a smirk.

It still felt so incredibly weird to have everyone care about him so much, he thought everyone was going to hate him forever for what had happened, he couldn't even begin to wrap his head around their kindness. Actually, he couldn't wrap his head about being loved as much as he was, period.

Sanji's lips stretched into a bashful smile, his gaze dropping to the floor until he heard Freakshow finishing their song and the crowd booming with all their adoration for them. He perked up, knowing that soon he was going to be called up on stage, he started feeling all the nervousness spike up with anticipation.

"The next song," Kidd's amplified voice resonated through the venue, sending a shiver of anxiety down Sanji's spine "it's a cover, by Motionless In White," he paused when the audience cheered at the name of the band "and to make it even better, I wanna call here on stage my good friend Sanji, the Crow Prince!"

There was a roar of excitement from the crowd, and it served as the perfect fuel for Sanji, he felt a rush of adrenaline course through him as his friends all cheered him on and he finally went up the ladder as the Crow Prince.

He could do this, he could still feel agitation tugging at his guts, but the crowd was so amazing and welcoming that he couldn't wait to actually start singing.

He grinned at the band, even at Law who was smirking at him in a feline fashion, and as he walked past Bonney to reach Kidd's side the girl spanked him, making him gasp and causing everyone to laugh and catcall. He turned to stare at Bonney for a moment, but she cracked the ultimate shit-eating grin and was too beautiful for Sanji to do anything but smirk in return.

"You can't seem to be able to get rid of me, tonight." Sanji said into the microphone that Kidd had just handed to him.

"We like you too much." Bonney quickly replied into her microphone, making everyone laugh again.

Sanji rolled his eyes "I can't blame you." he said as he gestured to his entire body, the crowd exploding in response.

"Yeah, yeah… Don't get too excited everyone… Not yet." Law spoke at last, capturing everyone's attention "Not before having a fucking Death March!"

More shouting from the audience, the lights dimmed, and as the music started Sanji felt in his element again, the atmosphere enrapturing him and making him feel right where he belonged.

The entirety of the band, minus Kidd, was shouting into their microphones the title of the song, sounding a lot like a stadium chant while the crowd screamed back at them, and Sanji decided to go with the flow and join them. Not too long after, Kidd chimed in with the first stanza of the song, beginning to tell the tale of a dark lord announcing his take over of the world.

"This is a new world order and it's changing the game
So step right up to go down in flames
I want your sons, want your daughters
All creatures of the night
So wave your flag if you're ready to fight"

All the while Sanji was dancing to the intense beat of the music, letting it flow through his veins and possess him completely. He got closer to Kidd when he screamed the last sentence of the stanza, then began to sing the bridge along with him as they looked at each other in the eyes. There was a slight light of confusion in Eustass' eyes at the beginning, because Sanji's smirk was devious enough to make anyone shudder.

"Bringing insects to their knees
Catching them in webs I've weaved
You were in my dream last night
Begging me to take a bite"

At the end of the bridge, Sanji snapped his teeth at Kidd, then licked his lips in a way that made the other singer grin crookedly. Sanji felt powerful and euphoric like the good ol' times as he faced again the crowd to sing the chorus on his own.

"I indulge the hypocrisy and I devour the pain
I give into the ecstasy but the cold dark remains,"

Sanji cupped his chest, then slid his hand down his entire body, stopping to briefly cup his own crotch.

"I control my own destiny and I won't suffer in vain
My enemy will not be the end of me, no no."

The beat dropped again and Sanji headbanged once, then danced away from Kidd to leave him alone again as he continued his tale.

"This is the new disorder, it's the unsolved case
And it's bringing the rage straight to your face
So send in the clowns, add fuel to the fire
They cut your throat just to preach to the choir"

By that time Sanji had reached the other side of the stage to sing to the audience, but Law blocked his way with an arched eyebrow and a sly smirk that promised nothing good. Sanji tilted his head to the side as he began to sing directly to Law.

"All is fair in love and war
I'm still rotten to the core
So won't somebody start this shit?
Fuck 'em all, I'm over it"

Law's smirk turned into a grin when Sanji walked behind him and slung an arm around his neck to sing the chorus again, his hand roaming freely along Law's neck and chest, finding the buttons of his uniform and popping them open one after other.

His predator side was back in full force, the song serving as a perfect trigger. Sanji's sensuality was exploding on that stage as he heavily flirted with Law as everyone watched, the screams from the crowd making him even more elated and lascivious. He looked over at Kidd and beckoned him to come join them in the madness of grinding one against the other, and Eustass obliged without hesitation as if he was spellbound.

Soon enough Sanji found himself pressed between the bassist and the singer, and as he moved his free hand behind him to cup the side of Kidd's neck he pushed back into Kidd's crotch as he sung the chorus. He heard a faint moan escape the redhead's lips and a smirk curved his lips as he felt Kidd rocking back ever so softly against him before walking away to sing his other stanza. Sanji dipped his head forward to lick a long, slow streak up Law's neck, making him groan and grin right after.

It was like demon possession the swift change in Sanji's behavior, he couldn't control that side of him that surfaced back unexpectedly just by standing on that stage and feeling that uncontrollable urge to be as sexual as he could.

It was all mainly in the rhythm and sound of Death March and in the lyrics that summoned that part of Sanji that was there naturally, the thrill of having everyone bend and twist at his will just because of how irresistible he was. Sanji thrived on that thrill, even if it was just temporary.

The performance lasted for a total of five minutes, but for some reasons it felt so much longer. Sanji was completely intoxicated by it, and both Freakshow and the audience were left disheveled in his wake, as he stomped off the stage with a grin still plastered on his lips.

There was mild disconcert in Nami and Vivi's expressions, but Sanji didn't even pay attention to it as the others praised and congratulated him on the great job. He was feeling good, his heart wasn't trying to poke a hole through his chest and he didn't feel like dying, he was blissful and proud of his performance, and a beer was definitely what he deserved.

Sanji sat down on in the center of one of the couches, an arm draped over the back as he sipped slowly on the cold lager, relishing the delicious cold temperature of the drink as it washed down his tired throat. He was so content and pleased with himself that only when the cushions dipped at his left he realized that Ace had just sat next to him, making beer go up his nose.

"I wasn't expecting a warm welcome, but this is a bit much." Ace commented with a frown.

"F-fuck off!" Sanji coughed into the back of his fist, trying not to spill what was left of his beer.

"I'll only be a minute." Ace insisted.

Sanji coughed for fifteen more seconds, then after clearing his throat three times he wiped a stray tear from his right eye and aimed a deadly glare to the man sitting beside him.

"I don't wanna talk, nor listen to you. Just leave me be, I'm in my little piece of heaven at the moment why are you so eager to push me back down to hell?" Sanji croaked, his lungs still holding a few drops of beer inside.

"How poetic," Ace smiled softly "I actually wanted to tell you something that could make you feel slightly better." he shrugged a shoulder.

Sanji arched an eyebrow "Did you not listen to anything I said? I feel good, right now."

"Yeah, but how long is it gonna last?" Ace retorted.

Sanji's brow furrowed. Of course he knew that what he was feeling was bound to be only temporary, but if Ace wouldn't bug him as much as he was it could have at least lasted the entire night.

"Look… I really don't wanna talk to you." Sanji got up from the couch "Don't follow me around, I wanna be serene at least for a few more hours." and with those words he turned around to make his way back to the backstage to enjoy the rest of Freakshow's gig.

"It's about Zoro."

Sanji froze on the spot, the tin in his hand creaked under the pressure of his fingers. Of course it was about Zoro, what else could this be about?

"I don't care." Sanji growled lowly as he resumed his pace, leaving Ace behind.

Now he was a hundred percent sure that he wasn't supposed to be happy, nor even just relaxed, he was meant to obsess and rack his brains over Zoro for the rest of his pathetic life. Why did Ace have to be such a dick? Couldn't he wait at least a day to bring up his goddamn brother?

That beer wasn't going to be enough, now.

Sanji dropped the half empty can into the nearest bin and pushed his way into the venue as everyone's attention was focused on the band rocking the stage at the moment, and walked over to the bar to get something stronger than a simple lager. A vodka cocktail was going to do the trick, something fruity and fresh, he ordered up and slightly swayed to the beat of the music as he waited.

He felt two soft taps on his shoulder, and when he turned around there were Duval and other six people from the fanclub that he had founded in Sanji's honor. Normally he would be slightly irritated to see those people, but that night Sanji could cling to everything that irradiated affection towards him and made him feel important.

"Hello, there!" Sanji grinned, and if the music wasn't that loud he would have probably heard the people standing in front of him screech in excitement.

"The show was amazing, you were so amazing! Oh god, you're the absolute best!" Duval began with the usual shower of compliments, and Sanji contently let himself get soaked in every word.

Once the cocktail was finally in his hands, he took photos with each one of his fans, and when the glass was half empty he even French kissed one of them, just to see him almost cry and pass out afterwards.

As time went by and Freakshow's concert was almost over, the small crowd around Sanji became slightly larger and he took pictures with everyone and signed probably a couple dozens CDs and posters.

That was the life he wanted, the best part about being in a band apart from making music, being in close contact with the people who loved him and made his dreams come true was amazing and rewarding.

He spent almost an hour hanging out and talking (even if the loud music and the alcohol surely weren't making it easy) to his fans, then when he heard Kidd announce that he and Bonney were going to host the aftershow DJ set, he took it as his cue to go backstage and give the people he had tore away from Freakshow back to them. Sanji promised he was going to come back out soon, and after someone in the crowd grabbed his ass he scowled and left in a haste.

Sanji couldn't tell who had actually reached out to grope him, but in that moment it was inappropriate and if he would have found out the culprit he would have probably kicked his ass. He tried not to think about it too much as he walked backstage, his friends were all ready to go dance, but Brook was bidding everyone goodnight as usual.

"You're going?" Sanji asked with a frown, he still hadn't even reached them.

Everyone turned to him, surprised.

"Oh, here you are!" Luffy beamed at him.

"We thought you'd left us." Nami commented with a cocked eyebrow.

"I was just running away from Ace." Sanji answered bluntly, and everyone's attention focused briefly on Ace.

"Well… To answer your question I am indeed leaving. It's quite late, already." Brook explained.

"Aw, alright." Sanji shrugged a shoulder "Drive safe, yes?"

Brook nodded with a smile "Don't drink too much."

Sanji snorted in reply.

Brook arched an eyebrow as he took a look around as if he had forgotten about something "Where is Barto?" he asked, and Sanji rolled his eyes so hard that he thought he was going to pass out.

He hadn't even noticed that his ugly mug was missing, he had never heard him speak all night.

"He said he was going to help out his friends from the Freakshow crew," Luffy began, then sideways eyed Sanji "I don't think he felt very comfortable tonight."

"That's too bad, he did such a good job, tonight." Robin commented, and Sanji's head snapped immediately in her direction.

"Please..." Sanji snorted, shaking his head "He was acceptable."

The truth was that Sanji hadn't even paid attention to what was going on behind the drums, because he had ignored Bartolomeo so much that he had completely forgotten he even existed.

"Quit being so awful to him, he did a great job." Nami let out an exasperated sigh.

"Why do you defend him so much, do you love him?" Sanji asked in a weird high pitch that weirded even himself out. The cocktail was definitely doing a number on him, even if just slightly.

There was a pause, and everyone stared at Sanji with furrowed eyebrows, until Nami finally spoke.

"Are you drunk?" she asked, dropping Bartolomeo's subject and shifting the attention to something else.

"No?" Sanji answered "Not yet." he precised with a smirk.

Nami sighed "Well don't drink too much, 'cause I don't wanna clean up vomit during our trip back, alright?"

Sanji rolled his eyes "Alright, alright."

Vivi tugged on Nami's arm, tipping her head in the direction of the dancefloor that was right out of the backstage door.

"Let's go dance, the gig's over." Vivi smirked to her girlfriend.

"Sure, baby." Nami smirked back at her, then her eyes went back to Sanji "You comin'?"

Sanji jabbed his thumb in the general direction of the changing rooms "I need to use the toilet first, then I'll be right with you."

"Alright." Nami nodded, her expression still seemed concerned but Sanji didn't give it too much thought.

"Let's goooo!" Luffy yelled as he jumped right on Usopp's back, nearly knocking him over.

"Fuck, Luffy!" Usopp cried, but Luffy pressed a kiss to his pouting lips and shut him right up.

"Will you do me the honor of dancing with me?" Franky asked Robin, the girl laughed and shook her head.

"Of course, silly." she smiled and kissed Franky back when he bent over to peck her lips.

Sanji rolled his eyes at all the lovey dovey-ness surrounding him, then moved towards the changing rooms. He needed to use the toilet before going to dance if he didn't want to pee himself while being at it.

He took his time, regaining the greatest part of the senses that alcohol had numbed, but kept his mind fairly empty. He wanted to try and enjoy the rest of the night as much as he could, and dancing with his friends was something he definitely looked forward to.

Sanji didn't know for how long he'd actually been in there, no longer than twenty minutes that he was sure of, but curiously he couldn't see anyone cleaning the backstage as they usually would by that time of the night. Had everyone gone dancing? Even those who were supposed to be working?

Sanji shrugged it off and began to make his way to the backstage door, when a figure emerged from it and an uneasy feeling settled on his stomach. Sanji stopped in his tracks to observe the figure as it approached him, sinister and unknown, the person coming forth wasn't someone he had seen around yet.

"Sanji?" an unknown voice called for him.

"Yeah?" the singer furrowed his eyebrows.

The man that had called out his name came closer, and now Sanji could make out his features. He looked burly but well kept, his blond hair was kept short and he had a pair of glasses perched up on his nose, the dark lenses made them look less useful for a sight problem. He was definitely a douche, only douches wore sunglasses at night, at least Franky kept them pushed over his head when it was dark.

"I'm a fan of yours, I wanted to compliment you in person." the man said as he finally pushed the glasses over his head and smirked "My name's Bellamy."

Sanji nodded, unimpressed "Thank you, Bellamy. But you shouldn't be backstage." he explained politely.

Bellamy laughed, but there was nothing innocent about that laugh.

"Well, my compliments really aren't for the public, this is why I wanted to come directly here, where there's no indiscreet eyes." Bellamy's smirk turned into a devious grin as he stepped closer, Sanji didn't budge.

"Really?" Sanji smirked himself, not because he was pleased, but because he was amused by the guy's nerve.

"I have a car, parked out here… It's quite roomy in the backseat." Bellamy went on, his fingers moving to swipe across Sanji's arm.

"Thank you, but no thank you." Sanji gave a nod, the smirk still plastered on his face.

"C'mon, what is it that you want, money?" Bellamy asked with a raised brow "My friends said it would be much easier to get into your pants."

The smirk on Sanji's face suddenly ached, along with his chest. Was he seriously treating him like a prostitute? He wanted to pay to have sex with him in the back of his car?

"I'm sorry but… What the fuck are you talking about?" Sanji's polite act dropped as anger began to take over.

"Everyone knows you'd fuck everyone if they'll ask nicely enough. I'm not too good at wooing, but I have money." Bellamy's blunt words stabbed Sanji right into his guts.

"W-what?" Sanji's lips trembled along with his confidence.

Was it true? Was that the word that spread around about Sanji? That he was literally a whore?

"Do I need to get down on my knees and beg? Because I was kind of hoping it'd be the other way around." Bellamy went on, his voice laced with annoyance.

"I'm not a whore, you fucking asshole." Sanji growled lowly, his jaw stiffening and his hands balling up into fists.

Bellamy laughed "Alright, look, are two hundreds enough?" he asked as he reached into his pocket for his wallet.

Sanji's hand rapidly went to wrap around Bellamy's throat, his fingers pressing into his flesh hard enough to bruise the skin. "You need to fuck off if you value your life."

Sanji read fear and surprise in Bellamy's eyes, but it was only temporary, as a laugh erupted from his throat, strangled and grotesque. Sanji's eyebrows twitched, his confidence faltering once again as he tried to keep a firm grip around the man's throat.

"What are you gonna do, choke me to death?" Bellamy croaked out.

"You aren't even worth the trouble." Sanji shook his head as he suddenly let go of Bellamy.

The man coughed and laughed at the same time, rubbing his neck briefly where Sanji had left a slight red mark.

"You don't scare me, you know that?" Bellamy went on as he stepped ahead, invading Sanji's personal space and making him take a couple steps back.

"Neither do you, you're just disgusting." Sanji snarled between gritted teeth.

He wanted to kick the guy's face in, but at the same time he didn't want to cause any ruckus that could somehow compromise the band.

"Come on, I know you wanna get away from here, spend some time with me and my cock…" Bellamy grinned, his hand moving to grab his own crotch.

"I told you to fuck off, already!" Sanji repeated, this time louder than before.

"Don't fucking yell," Bellamy growled, grabbing Sanji by the collar of his fishnet shirt.

Sanji heard it tear up with the roughness of the tug, and looked down at it to see a huge hole ripped into the front.

"Don't you fucking touch me again!" Sanji roared as he threw a punch that hit Bellamy square into his nose.

The man shouted in pain, letting go of Sanji to cover his injured face as blood dripped down from his nostrils and over his lips and chin.

"I'm gonna fucking kill you, you faggot!" Bellamy yelled as he launched himself at Sanji, who was fast enough to dodge him and watch as he flew face first to the floor.

"Yeah, because wanting to fuck me makes you straight as hell!" Sanji commented as he stamped a boot right in the middle of Bellamy's back, wheezing as he boiled with anger and fear. That was a way unexpected turn of the night, one that he definitely didn't need.

"Is everything alright?" another voice called from behind Sanji, and he froze up. If it was another pervert he was definitely going to lose it.

"No." Sanji grunted.

"What's going on here?!" another voice asked as it approached.

Bellamy tried to push Sanji's leg away but he wasn't budging.

"He attacked me." Sanji explained simply, appreciating the fact that they weren't questioning the fact that he was keeping Bellamy on the ground to prevent him from lashing out again.

Finally the owners of the voices entered Sanji's sight, and he realized they were two men from the security service of the venue.

"We'll handle him, don't worry." A large, bald man reached down to grab onto Bellamy and roughly pulled him back to his feet.

Sanji knew that the man was about to say something regarding the blood drying underneath Bellamy's nose, but the way in which Bellamy tried right away to launch himself at Sanji again made him change his mind, limiting himself to restrain Bellamy.

"If you don't knock it off immediately I'm gonna taser you." the security guard threatened, and Bellamy stopped fucking around.

"You alright, sir?" the other man was slightly smaller than the bald one, but he was still muscular and with a jet black military haircut.

"Yeah…" Sanji grumbled as his eyes didn't leave Bellamy's.

The bastard was still smirking at him as blood caked his face, and Sanji truly wanted to knock out all of his teeth. He managed to tear his eyes away and look at the man who was talking to him

"You should have prevented him from getting in here in the first place." Sanji went on, dry.

The guard nodded "You're right sir, we're very sorry he managed to slip past us. We're gonna have him banned from the venue and get him to the cops."

Sanji huffed "You better."

"We'll take care of him." The bald man nodded and pushed Bellamy ahead to leave the backstage.

Sanji glared at him as he walked past him, then groaned when Bellamy's lips puckered as though he was blowing him a kiss. He was still shaken by the fact that he had been attacked like that, but anger was still coursing through his veins.

The singer remained alerted until he saw all three men finally disappear, but as soon as he was alone again he felt like his knees were made of butter and he had to rush to one of the nearest couches to take a seat before he collapsed. The adrenaline that had been filling him up had completely seeped out of him, leaving place to a sense of utter horror.

Was this what people thought of him? That he was that easy to lure into a bed or a car, or whatever place they fancied to fuck him in?

Every time he had shared a bed, a backseat or a stall it had always been because he had wanted to, because he had felt like, but that didn't make him a slut. No one was entitled to come up to him and treat him like some prostitute, or someone who'd fuck anyone just because they asked him to.

It wasn't just that, though. There was more, something that Sanji wasn't yet ready to accept. Sanji had never really cared about what people might have thought of him, he had always been open about his sexuality and his sex drive. What was really gnawing at Sanji was the fact that if Bellamy had started that conversation a month or two ago he wouldn't even had had to mention money at all, Sanji would have probably accepted right away, because it made him feel wanted and powerful, no matter what Bellamy could have thought of him, Sanji wouldn't have cared.

Sanji didn't want to have sex with Bellamy, sure, but it had been quite a long time since he had wanted to have sex with anyone at all. Ace had been the last one, and it hadn't even given him that rush he had always needed, it had just brought him endless pain, yet his 'fuck the pain away' mindset had never kicked back in again.

It wasn't because of sex itself and he knew it, it wasn't because sex had caused him pain, it was because the only person he would have really wanted to have any intimate contact with was the person that didn't want to see him anymore.

The realization rained down on him like the coldest of showers, leaving him breathless. Sanji didn't want anyone else anymore, every fiber of his being was longing for what he had lost, he wasn't driven by pure lust anymore and it was the scariest thing he could think of.

He loved Zoro so deeply, so desperately that no one else in the world mattered anymore, no matter how incredibly attractive or flattering, Sanji didn't care about them. Never in his life Sanji had ever felt that way about another human being, not even towards the girl he had briefly dated back in highschool, nor anyone else.

He should have known, he should have been able to make that connection sooner, to come to the realization that he had truly and completely fallen in love with Zoro, but he wasn't used to that, he wasn't used to experience love the way other people usually did, because he didn't believe in its existence, let alone in its power.

He sat on the couch alone, helpless, for what felt like days, unable to move as Bellamy's harassment replayed in his mind, all his hurtful words and all the anger and fear they had infused Sanji with.

His brain went back to that time in which Zoro had told him he had behaved like a slut, not exactly using the precise word maybe, but the meaning was that indeed. When Sanji had tried to assure Murder Of Crows a deal with Freakshow by sleeping with Law, he had done it naturally, mindlessly, it had looked like the most efficient way to obtain something he wanted, back then, but Zoro's words had cut him like a knife.

Sanji thought that his most effective weapon were his sex skills for so long, that he had forgotten how valuable he actually was, or maybe he had simply never acknowledged his talents, because everything was clouded by his self-destructive and self-loathing behavior.

Zoro's absence was making him realize many things, above all how we only really recognize how much we needed someone when they're no longer around us, and also how much Zoro always encouraged him to show his true colors and to value himself and his talents. Sanji could never truly see that, he mostly dismissed everything Zoro said as either annoying or insulting, but now he could clearly see that Zoro only ever wanted the best for Sanji.

Why did he have to leave, then? Why did he have to abandon Sanji in the hostility of the world, when clearly he was his pillar of strength?

If Zoro really did love him as much as the others claimed, why couldn't he just say so? Why couldn't he come back and wipe away all that awful pain?

"No, shit…" Sanji groaned softly when a single, fat tear streamed down his right eye, threatening to ruin the touch up job he'd done a few minutes before.

He finally decided that staying there to ruminate and rack his brains over Zoro and all of his feelings was useless, perhaps pointless… It wasn't going to change anything, not for the better at least, so he picked himself up and rose back to his feet, his friends were waiting for him after all.

Sanji's eyes went to the spot on the floor where just moments before Bellamy was lying, rooted to the spot by his boot, and a cold shiver ran up his spine, making him hesitate for a moment before he gathered the courage to walk back out into the venue.

He pushed the black, wooden door open and found a security guard just right outside, he didn't look like the ones that had helped him out before, but he appreciate his presence. Sanji looked ahead of him, into the dark blue light that was interrupted by stroboscopic flashes, the loud music enveloped him and he recognized the classic goth rock song playing: Temple Of Love by The Sisters Of Mercy.

Oh, the irony.

He couldn't quite make out the presence of his friends on the dancefloor but he knew they ought to be there, somewhere. Sanji began to push his way through the crowd, walking to the beat of the song and trying not to get hit by the people dancing. He was kind of enjoying not being recognized by the fans, but he knew it wasn't going to last long.

Sanji decided to make his way to the bar once again, this time he wanted to be drunk and not feel anything but the bliss of dancing to Goth Rock and EBM music with his friends – whenever he was going to find them – and not think about anything else anymore.

He had just ordered his cocktail when a hand moved to rest on his shoulder, making him flinch and whip his head back in a mixture of surprise and fear.

"Wanna dance?" Nami yelled from above the loud music, a shit-eating grin spreading on her lips.

Sanji sighed, relieved to see that it was only Nami and not some other pervert. He nodded as he grabbed his glass and let Nami guide him to the part of the dancefloor where the rest of their friends was going wild.

Luffy and Usopp were being their uncoordinated, ridiculous selves as usual, as they danced in a manner completely different from everyone else and that definitely didn't match the song playing. Franky was trying to look as cool as possible, as he exaggerated each and every move he made while Robin didn't even pay much attention to them, she was just dancing enraptured by the music, looking like a goddess all the while.

Sanji had to scrunch his nose upon seeing Ace and Vivi dancing together, but then again they were just facing each other as they danced, and soon enough they spotted Nami and Sanji. Clearly they were just waiting for Nami to go fetch the blond. Bartolomeo wasn't around, he had probably just decided to spend the rest of the night with the guys from Freakshow... Wise choice.

"Everything alright?" Nami asked, this time leaning in to speak directly into Sanji's ear.

"Yeah!" Sanji lied through his teeth, nodding to let Nami know that everything was fine.

Nami nodded as well as she resumed dancing, and as Andrew Eldritch kept singing through the huge speakers of the club, Sanji thought that he was going to need more than just one drink to make it through the rest of the night, with such songs blaring through the venue and a bunch of couples surrounding him.

"With the sunlight died and night above me
With a gun for a lover and a shot for the pain inside
You run for cover in the temple of love
You run for another it's all the same
For the wind will blow and throw your walls aside
With the fire from the fireworks up above
With a gun for a lover and a shot for the pain
You run for cover in the temple of love
Shine like thunder cry like rain
And the temple love grows old and strong
But the wind blows stronger cold and long
And the temple of love will fall before us
Black wind calls my name to you no more"

–

Zoro hadn't had dinner alone with his parents like… Ever. He seriously didn't remember ever sitting by the dinner table without at least one of his brothers next to him. There was no catalyst between he and his fathers, and after everything that had happened he didn't know whether he was going to survive something like that.

The atmosphere throughout the entire meal was anything but relaxed, filled with awkward silences and Zoro trying to avoid the men's gazes at all costs. He could hear Shanks nudging or softly kicking Mihawk from underneath the table, most definitely to encourage him to get Zoro to speak, but it always ended with a glaring contest and low threats through gritted teeth.

Pathetic, but at least it got the job done, and Zoro didn't have to say a word until he was able to sneak off to his room.

It was the very first time that he was home when his brothers and the rest of the band were off playing a gig somewhere, and it was eating him up inside. There was a storm in his mind and a hurricane in his chest, he really wanted to just sleep the rest of that excruciatingly long night off, but he knew that his brain would never allow it.

Zoro looked around his room, trying to figure out what he could do to kill time and possibly wear out both his mind and body so that he would pass out as easy as he could, and his dark eyes stopped on the most obvious object: his electric drum set.

He didn't use it very often, he mainly used it to learn tricky parts of songs he hadn't studied already, and to do some practice when he was younger and the band still hadn't started out. His actual drumkit was at Franky's, but the one he was staring at was going to be a perfect way to blow off some steam, he hadn't practiced in quite some time and that was something that rarely happened to him.

Zoro moved the set from the corner it had been stashed in and placed it between the TV and the foot of the bed, being the drums small they didn't take up too much space and fit perfectly where he had set it. He plugged it to the socket in the wall, plugged his set of headphones, put them on and sat on the stool before adjusting its height and the placement of the pedal.

He couldn't do very complex pieces since it was only a small drumkit, but even coming up with a random heavy solo was going to get the job done. He tried setting the volume in a way that wasn't going to pierce his eardrums, tried hitting one of the toms a couple times, then started out his own personal jam session.

He drummed for a couple hours, playing random solos that came naturally to his wrists, and melting them with drum sections of songs such as Motörhead's Ace Of Spades, Disturbed's Down With The Sickness, Metallica's Master Of Puppets, Pantera's Cowboys From Hell and a couple songs that were actually Murder Of Crows'.

Zoro's entire body was covered in a thin layer of sweat, his Avenged Sevenfold sleeveless shirt was completely soaked, his hair damp and sticking to his forehead and other random directions, his arms were slightly sore and the tips of his fingers tingled with the effort. He was tired, his energy had almost been totally drained from his body, his mind had become blissfully empty.

He needed a shower. Or maybe he could indulge in an actual bath, to soothe the tension in his muscles and every other small ache in his limbs, he just hoped the water wasn't going to wake him up instead, but maybe if it was warm enough it'll just help him sleep better.

As Zoro opened the door of his room he flinched in surprise as he found Shanks right behind it, who flinched even harder than Zoro had.

"Are you spying on me?!" Zoro almost shouted out.

"No, no, no! I was gonna… Check on you!" Shanks replied, not sounding very convincing.

"By doing what? Peeping through the keyhole or pressing your ear to the door?" Zoro growled on.

He couldn't believe Shanks would do that, it was such an invasion of his privacy.

"I wasn't…!" Shanks huffed "Look Zoro, you barely ate and didn't say one word during dinner. Your father and I were worrying, that's all." he explained with a shrug.

"So you admit that you were spying on me." Zoro grunted, his arms moving to fold over his chest.

"No!" Shanks rolled his eyes "I was gonna knock and ask if you're alright."

"Well I'm fine, and I don't believe Mihawk is too fazed by my wellbeing." Zoro answered dry "Now I need a shower or something." then before Shanks could open his mouth he added "I won't drown myself, don't worry."

"Zoro you can talk to me." Shanks pressed as Zoro walked past him and down the hallway.

"There's nothing to talk about." Zoro groaned before entering the bathroom and locking the door behind him.

He didn't want to be rude, but there was no way he was going to discuss his feelings with his parents, especially if one of them forced him. His own mind was already torturing him enough, he didn't need further torment.

–

Zoro stared at the tub, debating all over again whether a bath or a shower would have worked better, and ended up changing his mind and opting for the shower because it would have been quicker and maybe there wouldn't have been too much time to ruminate over the night.

Again, meditation would have been the key to enjoy the spray of warm water washing over him and soothing his sore and tense muscles, so he stepped underneath the jet with his eyes closed and a more or less empty mind.

He ended up staying inside the shower for so much more than necessary, even after he was done lathering himself with shower gel and shampoo, he stayed there underneath the water for more than half an hour, until he finally came back to his senses and stepped out.

Meditating had worked more than he thought he would, he felt better physically, and he hoped that his brain was going to behave just as well. He toweled himself dry, then finally made his way back to his bedroom, pulled on a pair of clean boxers and threw himself on the bed. No one seemed to be around, his parents had probably gone to sleep and he was the only one lying in bed with eyes wide open as he stared up at the ceiling.

So maybe meditation hadn't worked as miraculously has he had thought… Oh well.

Zoro couldn't be as detached as he would have wanted, he still loved all his friends, he still cared about Murder Of Crows even if he had stepped aside. He thought about Bartolomeo filling in for him, thought about him behind the drums playing the songs that Zoro usually played. He tried to imagine what the others thought about Bartolomeo, how they felt about having a substitute drummer. Zoro couldn't help but cringe, even if he had been the one who had made the decision to walk away, he couldn't wrap his mind around someone else doing his job.

He didn't blame Bartolomeo, of course, Zoro would have felt the same way about anyone else, but he inevitably couldn't help but wonder about how Sanji must have felt about it.

As soon as his mind focused on Sanji, he felt a stab to his stomach and his lower lip worried automatically between his teeth. His brain unfocused momentarily from being replaced as a drummer to wondering about what kind of outfit Sanji wore, what songs had he agreed on singing, how many cigarettes he had smoked on stage, how many selfies he was going to take with the fans.

His brows furrowed and his right arm slung over his face to cover his eyes… Damn, he missed him so much. He missed the sound of his voice and the dorky laughs that could erupt from his throat, the way he moved on stage like he'd been born to do that, how he interacted with the fans and how he bragged about being so damn good at what he did. So many of these things had been clouded by what had happened, instead of joking around with him and the others, Sanji would get panic attacks, he would be nervous and self-conscious, his smile had been stripped away.

Zoro bit his lower lip harder as his brain reminded him also about how Sanji always sauntered off with a random dude, leaving everyone else behind and only contacting everyone one or two days later. What had happened to Sanji was a mere consequence of his behavior, of this Zoro was more or less convinced, though it still hadn't changed the way he felt about him in the slightest.

Willing or not, Zoro's heart still belonged to Sanji, he was still in love with him, even if at night he truly did try to force himself to stop loving him like he did. His heart was broken, yet its painful, feeble beat was still all for Sanji and it drove him completely insane.

"Fucking hell…" he muttered as he roughly flipped over on his stomach, burying his face into the pillow, trying to at least smother his thoughts to death.

He needed to stop thinking about Sanji, he needed to sleep and get some rest, because he was pretty damn sure that Mihawk was going to torment him at work the following day. Of course it was easier said than done, since his brain wouldn't shut the fuck up, not even if he forced it to.

It was going to be an awfully long night, he knew that, as he tossed and turned, turned and tossed. There was nothing he could really do to fall asleep, even if he tried to focus on something that would relax him, sleep just wouldn't come to him. He reached that point where he wasn't aware if he had fallen asleep for a few minutes, or if he had stayed awake all the while. He wanted to punch himself unconscious.

It was when he was about to get up to go to the bathroom that he began to hear a few noises from downstairs approaching upstairs: his brothers were back from the concert. Zoro sat up and looked ahead at the poorly moonlit door of his room, his ears perking up as he tried to make out what they were talking about. Of course they were trying to be as quiet as possible not to wake anyone up, but maybe speaking to them for a while was going to be the only solution to truly soothe Zoro's mind and help him fall asleep.

He stood up from the bed and walked towards the door, pulling it open and peeking his head out, groaning when the light of the corridor painfully hit his eyes.

"Shit…" he groaned softly.

"What the fuck?!" Ace whispered.

"Zoro?! You're still awake?!" Luffy said as softly as he could.

Zoro massaged his eyes, then was finally able to see his brothers approaching him as they tiptoed down the hallway.

"Couldn't sleep." Zoro shrugged.

"Come to my room, I don't wanna wake the monsters up." Ace went on as he beckoned Zoro to follow them into his room.

It was only then that Zoro actually saw that Usopp had been with them all along, probably hiding behind Luffy for only God knows what reason.

"Where the fuck were you?" Zoro asked with furrowed eyebrows once he had walked up close enough to them.

"Heh… Hi Zoro, I was just… Behind them?" Usopp shrugged, a worried expression on his face.

Zoro stared at him for a while, then simply walked past him and into Ace's room.

"He was trailing behind because he's an idiot." Luffy said with a nod of his head as he kicked off his boots and dropped face first onto Ace's bed.

"I'm not an idiot!" Usopp muttered.

"That's my bed, don't fall asleep on it!" Ace growled softly… And to no avail, because Luffy had already started snoring.

"How the hell does he do that?" Usopp shook his head, incredulous.

"It runs in the family." Ace sighed as he sat down next to his sleeping brother.

"Except for tonight." Zoro commented as he leaned against the closed door.

Just being there, casually speaking to his brothers and his friend was already making him feel less restless and a bit more at ease. He watched as Usopp kept hovering around Luffy's passed out figure and smirked softly.

"You're gonna have to carry him to bed, you know that?" Zoro warned him.

"Yep, bridal style." Ace teased, then both he and Zoro snorted.

"It wouldn't be the first time." Usopp rolled his eyes, even though his cheeks were clearly a redder tone than normal.

"What?! What did you do to our baby brother?!" Ace gasped dramatically.

Zoro was definitely too tired to play this kind of games, but he was definitely amused by the look on Usopp's face.

"W-we didn't… C'mon guys, fuck off!" Usopp covered his face with both hands, and Ace and Zoro laughed harder.

"Yeah, let's give him a break…" Zoro commented, a slight smirk curving his lips "Start off by breaking a couple of his fingers."

"What?!" Usopp's eyes went impossibly wide as both Ace and Zoro tried not to laugh hard enough for the entire household to hear them.

"I don't think there's anyone I love messing with as much as you." Ace confessed between sniggers.

"You guys are awful." Usopp sighed as he slowly shook his head.

Zoro's hand moved to scratch the back of his neck. He felt slightly awkward as he tried to fight back the urge to ask how the concert went, he didn't want to sound desperate, but it was also his right to know.

"So…" Both Zoro and Ace began, then stared at each other before letting out a small chuckle.

"You go first, don't worry." Ace nodded.

Zoro shrugged a shoulder "I'm pretty sure that we were gonna say the same thing."

Usopp looked between them a little awkwardly, mostly because the tension in the room had become pretty evident.

"The concert went pretty well." Ace nodded.

"Oh… That's good." Zoro nodded himself, his gaze dropping non too casually on the floor.

Usopp cleared his throat a big harder than necessary, catching the older guys' attention right away "Uh… I'm gonna take him to bed and leave you guys to it." he announced, rubbing his hands together.

"Alright, need any help?" Ace asked with a cocked brow.

Usopp shrugged, then shook his head "Nah, I'll be fine." he said as he began to pick his boyfriend up from the bed, definitely making some effort.

"Are you sure?" Zoro asked himself. Usopp might have been able to carry Luffy while awake, but as a deadweight his little brother definitely became heavy as hell.

"Yeah yeah… Don't…." Usopp groaned softly as he propped up the passed out boy in his arms "Don't mind me…"

Zoro sighed, moving away from the door in order to open it, then exited Ace's room to open the door to Luffy's room to make things easier for Usopp and his stubbornness.

"Thanks…" Usopp sighed as he stepped out of the room and slowly made his way to the other one.

Zoro walked back inside of Ace's, shutting the door behind his back once again. When he looked back at Ace his expression had somewhat changed, he looked kind of uneasy, now.

"You alright?" Zoro asked, his eyebrows furrowed.

Ace nodded "Yeah, yeah…" then he sighed "It's just…" he shrugged a shoulder "It ain't the same without you, bro."

Zoro's eyebrows shoot upwards. He didn't know if he was expecting that answer or not, yet it made him frown slightly "I'm sure you did well, still…"

"What I just said is still valid." Ace nodded "And the fans asked about you, anyway…"

Damn. He knew he was letting everyone down, not only his friends but their fans too, of course.

"They'll get over it." Zoro dismissed the thing like it didn't affect him as much as it actually did.

Ace let out a huff of laughter, a hollow one at that "I don't think so… And neither will we."

Zoro sighed, rolling his eyes "I can't do anything about it, right now."

Ace nodded "I know…"

An uncomfortable silence fell upon the brothers right after that, Zoro didn't mean to turn everything into a fight, but it seemed to be impossible. Ace could have talked about the show in general, but all he seemed to be able to do was remind him that he had abandoned the band.

Zoro would have wanted to remind him why he had come to make that decision, but he didn't feel like starting an actual argument with his brother in the middle of the night.

"I'm gonna go to bed…" Zoro began, his hand moving to drop on the doorknob.

"He misses you." Ace said tentatively.

Zoro's eyes dropped shut "He doesn't." his grip on the doorknob tightening.

"He really does." Ace insisted.

Zoro turned his head to look at Ace in the eyes "Did he tell you?"

Ace snorted "He doesn't wanna speak to me."

So they were still sort of at war, still not talking to one another. Zoro felt a weird sensation of relief at that, even if he probably shouldn't had.

"Then you can't know for sure." Zoro shrugged a shoulder, and pushed the door open.

"But I do, it's pretty damn obvious." Ace went on.

"Well, there's nothing much I can do about it." Zoro said between gritted teeth.

"I know…" Ace said softly, tiredly.

"Night Ace."

"Goodnight, Zoro."

Zoro walked out of Ace's room, closing the door gently when he actually wanted to slam it. He felt like the world's biggest idiot as he kept trying to not care about Sanji when actually he truly wanted to hear what was going on with him lately, what he was doing, how he was doing it.

Yet after all, what did it matter? What Sanji had done was still awful, he had walked all over Zoro for the last time and there was no changing that, no matter how much Zoro still loved him, and no matter how much Ace assured him that Sanji missed him.

The damage was still there, Zoro was hurt and Sanji had purposely hurt him, and had probably thoroughly enjoyed doing so. Zoro didn't know what good talking to Ace had actually done to him, since now he was even more irked than he was before, but it had also sort of put his mind to rest.

The day had officially ended, the gig was over, the Crows had flown without one of the leaders of the murder, yet they had made it back home safe and sound. Zoro could go back to bed and hope for a good few hours of sleep, dreamless sleep if possible.

He walked past Luffy's room and stared at the door with the gigantic poster of Gandalf reciting 'you shall not pass' in all caps, stopping briefly by it as if he wanted to know what went on behind it. Zoro knew it was something innocent, of the purest kind, and it made him smile softly to know that even Luffy had found someone. Then his smile dropped a few moments after when he realized that maybe he was the only person in that house who wasn't meant to know that kind of happiness.

Zoro moved on, entering the room with the half opened door and the lights out. He looked at the bed and thought about how many times he had shared it with Sanji, how their sweetest moments had taken place underneath those sheets, how they had made out on top of that mattress.

Yeah, that wasn't the right type of things he should have thought about right before trying to go back to sleep. Zoro closed the door and moved to heavily drop onto the mattress, and once again tried to get suffocated by the pillow.

He really needed to find the off button of his brain.

–

Sleep had taken over, at last. Zoro couldn't tell when, maybe between the fifth or sixth time of flipping on his back, then on his stomach again, it didn't really matter as long as he had actually managed to fall asleep and get all the rest he needed.

It was a dreamless sleep, probably due to how exhausted he was both in body and mind, he wasn't exactly sure for how long he had actually slept, but at some point during the afternoon his ears caught sounds and voices that forced him to wake up.

He laid on his right side for a while, focusing on the music he was hearing and the voices commenting it. He recognized the style of Sonata Arctica in the melody, but it sounded different from the original, it was a live version and most likely a cover made by the Crows. Nothing new, they had always covered Sonata's songs, but this one he couldn't quite place, it was too muffled and Ace, Luffy and Usopp were definitely being too loud for Zoro to actually make it out.

Could it be a video from the night before? It wasn't unusual for their fans to film their performances and upload them either on YouTube or Facebook, so Zoro figured that if he really wanted to know how the band had done the previous night, he might have as well gone to Ace's room to watch the videos with them.

Zoro sat up, cracked his neck and back, yawned like a hippo, scrubbed both hands down his face, then finally stood up. As he opened the door he could hear the music getting louder, his heartbeat increasing when he recognize Sanji's voice.

Zoro would have been able to tell Sanji's voice apart in a choir of a hundred people, he was pretty damn sure of that. It was unique and warm, maybe not as crystalline as others would have liked – but you cannot really expect that from a chain smoker – yet it was one of the most beautiful and intense voices Zoro had ever heard in his life, biased or not.

There was something different about it, though, something that made Zoro stop in his tracks as he walked towards Ace's room. There was such a strong emotion and emphasis in the way that he sung that it made Zoro's stomach churn. He could tell the melody was melancholic, but the voice was heart wrenching.

Why couldn't he place a title to the song? It was insane, he knew that song, he was sure of it.

Zoro resumed his pace and finally reached the closed door of Ace's room. It was then that he realized what Sanji was singing and his heart ceased beating for several moments. He couldn't believe his ears, never in his life Sanji would have sung something like that and definitely not with such raw emotion dripping from every word.

Shamandalie.

He was actually, truly singing a song about losing the most important person in your life to being stupid, about not being able to see love when it was right underneath your nose. A song about how a childhood friendship had turned into something more, and about how unrequited feelings had destroyed everything.

It was their story in a song.

Zoro opened the door without knocking and remained frozen on the threshold when Sanji's pained high notes, almost screamed out, surrounded him and sent the biggest shiver jolting down his spine, knocking the wind out of him.

Ace, Luffy and Usopp all turned to stare at him as if they had been caught stealing, but Zoro couldn't even see them.

"Sh-should I turn it off…?" Usopp murmured.

"I don't–" Ace hunched his shoulders, unable to predict his brother's further reaction.

"Don't." Zoro said, adamant.

Usopp's hand slid off of the top of the mouse, his eyes not leaving Zoro's face. Luffy's expression was stoic as he quietly looked at his brother, while Ace stared at him with furrowed eyebrows, tormenting his lower lip with his teeth.

"Start it off again, from the beginning." Zoro ordered, then slowly walked closer to his brothers and Usopp, closer to the computer screen. He needed a closer look and a more accurate listen.

Usopp nodded and obliged, bringing the video all the way back to the beginning with a single click of the mouse and avoiding to keep his eyes fixated on Zoro.

"You changed the setlist?" Zoro asked.

"Sanji insisted we switched from The Wolves Die Young to this one." Luffy replied promptly.

Zoro's jaw tightened, his lips remained sealed. So the cook had seriously decided to sing this song because it meant something to him. Another punch in the stomach.

The video started out again, Sanji looked hesitant and not exactly like himself. He seemed restless and wandered all the way back to speak to Nami as if he needed some sort of encouragement, something he had never done in his life. Sanji was proud and self-confident on stage, he never needed anyone's validation nor anything else, not even Zoro's, that was so weird that Zoro's eyebrows shot up in surprise.

After that moment of supposed discomfort, Sanji walked back to the microphone to utter some words of introduction for the song, claiming that he hoped to 'do it justice'. Zoro was just more and more bewildered, if not actually shocked by the entire scene he was watching, and when he started singing it only made it worse.

That didn't sound like Sanji, there was nothing powerful about his voice, no personality, no nothing. It sounded like he was holding back, like he didn't want to really give his all to the crowd. Zoro's arms folded over his chest, he felt kind of uncomfortable watching Sanji's antics and in that moment Ace's words from the night before echoed in his mind again. The lyrics he was singing though, breached through Zoro's chest, they were close to home and he couldn't help but chew on the inside of his lower lip.

After those initial moments of uncertainty, of self-consciousness and what else could have been restraining Sanji, things started to change.

"Sometimes we break the unbreakable, sometimes?"

The words resonated through Zoro's head, stabbing him like a knife. They really had managed to break something that seemed unbreakable. Then the unexpected happened, and both the music and Sanji's voice exploded, powerful, raw and tragically gorgeous as actual tears began to stream down the singer's face.

Zoro was at a loss. His jaw slacked and his insides tangled and knotted up along with his throat. Sanji was crying in front of the audience while he screamed out loud all the pain and sorrow that he had apparently been bottling up inside of him, and Zoro was completely thunderstruck.

He felt his own eyes stinging, and the more he tried to gulp down the knot in his throat the more it seemed to be growing. Zoro's hand went quickly up to wipe off any trace of tears that had threatened to run down his cheeks before anyone could notice, or at least he hoped so.

"You saw us always clearer than me,
How we were never meant to be,
Love denied meant the friendship would die"

Another punch, another stab, another wound opening up and making Zoro bleed, the lyrics of the song were unbelievably accurate to describe the relationship he had with Sanji. He had always been the one to think and know that if he'd ever try confessing his love for Sanji, he was sure that he was going to lose him. He had always seen them more clearly than Sanji had…

Did Sanji know about his feelings?

Had someone told him about them?

He stood rooted to the spot as tense as a bowstring, jaw impossibly tight as he watched the love of his life cry on stage while singing something that no matter how much Zoro tried to deny it in his head, was clearly dedicated to him.

"He was amazing, wasn't he?" Luffy asked, his eyes shining as he turned to beam up at Zoro.

The drummer nodded for longer than necessary, his expression as stoic as ever.

"He's damn good." Zoro managed to say without his voice cracking like a bastard, his eyes still glued to now pitch black screen.

"Are you ok, Zoro?" Ace asked.

"Why shouldn't I be?" Zoro replied with another question and a shrug of his shoulders.

"He sang it for you." Luffy went on.

"Well, I wasn't there, was I?" Zoro retorted, unable to just drop his attitude for a moment.

"Jesus, can't you just act like a human being for a moment?" Luffy groaned, exasperated.

"Luffy, leave him be." Usopp spoke softly.

"No, I won't! Because he's just as much as an idiot as Sanji is." Luffy continued to clearly top it off.

Zoro's head snapped in Luffy's direction but he couldn't say anything, not after what he had just witnessed. He sighed and shook his head, his arms dropping along his sides.

"I need to be alone for a moment." Zoro announced before leaving the room, ignoring the grumbling coming from behind him.

He marched back to his room and flung the door shut so hard that the walls trembled, then punched the closet door so violently that he poked a hole into it.

"Fuck!" he yelled out, then crumbled to his knees, telling himself that if he was crying in that moment it was because of the splinters embedded into his knuckles and the possible fractured bones.

He was overwhelmed and his brothers couldn't respect that. How could they expect Zoro to just take the information his brain hadn't even completely processed and do something about it?

Yes, he had watched Sanji cry while singing Shamandalie, and what then? Could it actually change something? Or could it just be Sanji regretting the loss of a friendship? It didn't exactly mean that he returned Zoro's feelings, and Zoro couldn't really deal with that, no matter what everyone else thought, no matter how others wanted him to act.

He couldn't deny how much it had affected him to see Sanji like that, he hated it when Sanji suffered, but he still needed to think about himself first. He couldn't just go back to being Sanji's friend to make him stop crying on stage, it didn't work like that.

Zoro wiped the tears off his face again and examined the damage he had done to his hand, trying to stretch out his fingers and then balling them up into a fist again. It stung and hurt, but he was sure it wasn't nothing, he had had worse. It was time to let out all the pent up frustration, pain and anger, and there was only one way he knew that was going to work.

Zoro rose back up to his feet, wore one of his training outfits and opened the side of the closet where he kept his swords in their cases.

It was time to have a talk with Mihawk, in the only way they knew of.

To Be Continued...