Spit It Out

by varg.grimoire

Sanji has repelled love for his entire life as countless events destroyed his trust in it. Unable to deal with his emotions, he indulges in the pleasures of the flesh with random strangers while Zoro, his childhood best friend, is left aside to watch. They share the dream of bringing their metal band to a professional level, but their hearts and minds will make it ever so hard.

21. Chapter 21

A/N: This chapter needs to start out with two very important things!

My girlfriend FINALLY drew for me the official art of SIO Zoro and Sanji! And you can find them on her tumblr majesticfassy (it should be her first post because she never really logs on) she did an incredible job, and they look so perfect and spot on I could cry!

One of my readers and dear friends, made a mindblowing video edit for SIO, that I like to address as an actual trailer for a movie about this story! You can find it on her ZoSan Instagram account zoxsan (it's going to probably take you a bit of browsing - but you know, this site doesn't allow links, so... Unless you head over to chapter 21 of SIO on AO3 where I'll actually be able to put the links) and I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did!

Now back to the usual author notes! Thank you SO much for always being so amazingly patient and supportive, I don't know if I would have ever come so far if it weren't for you all! You guys are seriously the best readers I could have ever asked for, and I swear I'm not just saying that. This update isn't as late as the past ones, but I still hope it's gonna be worth the long wait. I'm working on chapter 22, already, and I'm going to try and keep at it without taking the usual few days of break after I post a new chapter, as I always do.

Well, enough of my damn blabbering, you're free to read, now!

---

Chapter 21

The sound of a small, plastic hanger falling on the clean tiles of the floor went unheard, completely silent as loud music and idle chatter filled the store. Sanji couldn't hear all of that, the sound of his heart was deafening as it hammered into his ears, his eyes were so wide that they burned. No one noticed, no one saw, but Sanji would have recognized that green mohawk among an ocean of people.

Ace was with him, and someone else too… Sanji couldn't quite focus on anything except Zoro's features as he walked far away from the bar table he had been sitting at. Sanji didn't know exactly how he felt, but it was nasty, it was something extremely close to sheer panic and he felt completely paralyzed. His whole body was numb, his ears muffled, his eyes could only truly see the back of Zoro's head as he walked towards the escalator.

He felt a hand on his shoulder but didn't turn to look to whom it belonged, he was still completely enraptured by the view. His brain started working fast and messily as he tried to figure out whether he should have ran outside to reach Zoro, or if he should have just stayed where he was. Of course he was rooting for the second option, especially because he would have never had the courage to face him… Not after the night he had had, even if Nami's talk had switched something on inside of him.

A voice in the distance called out to him, probably the owner of the hand that had just squeezed his shoulder to get his attention. Sanji finally came back to reality, he turned to look at the expression of complete confusion that warped Nami's features.

"Are you okay?" Nami asked.

Sanji didn't say a thing, he just pointed his finger at the figures that reminded him of Zoro and Ace, then his mind began to compute. If those two were out together without Luffy, it could only mean that they had made up, and maybe Zoro had gone back home, too.

"Holy shit." Vivi said as she popped up by Sanji's other side.

"Drop everything, babe. Let's get out!" Nami ordered as she started pushing Sanji towards the door.

"Nami, what the fuck?!" Sanji growled as he stumbled forward, nearly running into one of the clerks. He mumbled an apology to the girl and turned around to look at Nami "What do you think you're doing?" he asked.

"You gotta go talk to him! Just like I told you this afternoon!" Nami said as she tried to keep pushing him out of the store.

"I'm not ready! I would mess up! And what if he saw me first and he's just running away?" Sanji explained as he tried to keep his voice down.

"Guys, they're practically on the escalator!" Vivi warned them, and Nami used all of her strength to finally get Sanji out of the store, no matter the protests.

"You're both insane!" Sanji cried out as he tried not to fall on his ass.

He couldn't possibly run up to Zoro and talk to him. Not to mention that Ace was with him, and he didn't really want to deal with both of them at that moment.

"He isn't alone, Nami. I don't wanna talk to him while he's with others!" Sanji snarled through his teeth.

"He's right, there's Ace too, I don't think it could end pretty…" Vivi said with a frown.

Nami sighed, hanging her head as she listened to both Sanji and her girlfriend. Sanji was beyond grateful for Vivi's words, he knew they could have definitely done the trick.

"You're right…" Nami started, she lifted her eyes to shoot Zoro and Ace one last look from over Sanji's shoulders. "Is that Sabo?" she asked as her eyes squinted.

"Who?" Vivi arched an eyebrow.

Sanji stiffened, but dared not turn around and potentially ending up locking gazes with Zoro, in a moment when he'd rather prefer the floor cracked open and swallowed him whole.

"Sabo is Ace, Luffy and Zoro's cousin, and the blond guy next to them reminded me of him." Nami explained briefly.

"That's unlikely, he's always touring the country with his company." Sanji commented, even though he had actually thought about the blond guy being Sabo, himself. The more he thought about it, the less possible it seemed, anyway.

Nami tilted her head at Sanji's words "You're probably right." she sighed.

"But Ace was definitely with him, so I guess… They made up?" Sanji spoke in a soft, broken tone of voice.

He felt kind of betrayed, even if he probably didn't have any right to. Ace was Zoro's brother, after all, they had to live together, so that was probably a very good reason for Zoro to forgive him. At the same time, though, Sanji couldn't help but being bitter about it, he would have wanted to be forgiven too, maybe even before Ace. He knew it wasn't a challenge, yet he couldn't help but feeling that way, even if he knew it was stupid and childish.

"I guess he did…" Nami said with a small nod, her eyes going back to look at Sanji's.

"They're gone, you don't have to worry anymore, sweetie." Vivi said as she gently squeezed Sanji's wrist.

"I wanna go home, I can get a cab, I don't wanna bother you guys." Sanji said out of the blue.

He needed to spend some quiet time alone, he needed his heart to stop racing in his chest and his legs to quit trembling.

"Don't be silly, you wouldn't bother us!" Vivi said as she shook her head.

"Of course we'll drive you back home! There isn't any problem!" Nami said as she flicked Sanji on the arm "Don't say stupid things."

Sanji looked towards the escalator after the girls assured him that they were up for dropping him home and another wave of panic pervaded him.

"Can we wait a little bit, though?" Sanji said as his eyes were still glued to the strangers riding the escalator.

"Yes, we can." Nami said as a soft laugh escaped her lips "Don't worry." she wrapped an arm around his neck and pressed a kiss to the side of his head.

Sanji blushed furiously and his eyes squeezed shut. He was still so incredibly thankful to have Nami and Vivi in his life, even if Nami embarrassed him like not many people could.

–

A near stroke experience later, Zoro and the boys had picked up Luffy and Usopp from a McDonald's they had holed up in, after Luffy had insisted for pretty much the entire day that Usopp tried tattooing him, and Usopp had resorted to buying him food to take his mind off the terrible idea.

Upon seeing Sabo, Luffy knocked over the chair he'd been sitting on to launch himself at his cousin, resulting in the two of them falling to the floor, hitting one of the cleaners who dropped a tray with tons of litter piled up on it, and getting kicked out of the restaurant. Usopp nearly died of embarrassment, while Ace and Zoro couldn't stop laughing their asses off all the way to Ace's car.

"I guess we can never go back to that McDonald's…" Luffy dropped casually as he climbed inside the car.

"That's not funny! Is the closest one to my house and now I can't set my foot inside of it anymore!" Usopp groaned as he scooted over to the further side of the car, letting Luffy and Sabo in.

"Oh, c'mon! They were all looking at Luffy and I, you're fine." Sabo sniggered as he threw the car door shut.

"No fucking way!" Usopp cried as he shook his head.

Everyone apart from him laughed, and Ace turned on the car.

"Guys, what if we go buy some grocery and cook dinner for Shanks and Mihawk? It would be a nice way to say hi, for me." Sabo suggested all of a sudden.

"You're just scared that Mihawk is gonna kick you out the moment he sees you." Ace smirked at his cousin through the rearview mirror.

Sabo rolled his eyes "Maybe…"

This time even Usopp laughed, and Ace backed up the car to drive to the nearest grocery store to buy something for dinner, even though they collectively sucked at cooking.

"If Sanji were here he'd definitely know how to make something amazing out of all this." Luffy sighed as they dropped the bags on the kitchen table.

All eyes flew automatically to Zoro who deadpanned at them and started emptying the bag he'd been carrying.

"I won't start crying just because I heard his name, don't worry." he commented dry.

"We know that." Usopp nodded, yet stepped on Luffy's foot on purpose.

"Ow! Why'd you do that?!" Luffy growled as he shoved Usopp.

"Because!" Usopp snarled back.

Zoro rolled his eyes and shut out the small banter that came afterwards. He was way too aware of the fact that Sanji would have cooked the best dinner ever even with the simple ingredients they had bought, but he wasn't there and Luffy needed to stop having a dig at it.

His mind wandered back to a few hours earlier, when he had seen Sanji inside the Victoria's Secret store. The scene had poorly been pushed aside for Zoro to function normally around his family, but he couldn't really stop thinking about it. He couldn't keep from thinking that while he was surrounded by his beautiful family, Sanji barely had his father to rely on, and Zoro was thankful for Nami and Vivi being there for him.

Zoro looked at the people surrounding him once again, all busy trying to do their part as they pulled things out of the bags, set the table, grab pots and pans. During those family gatherings Sanji would have always been present, bossing everyone around and throwing insults here and there because no one would do as they were told. Sanji was part of the family just as much as every single one of them, and no matter how much Zoro tried he couldn't feel truly and fully happy.

He missed seeing Sanji with his sleeves rolled up and an wearing an apron as he moved around the kitchen like it was his own. He missed the smell of his cooking and its incredible taste, just like he missed lying about how much he actually liked his dishes. He missed Shanks yelling at Sanji for smoking into the kitchen and being slightly jealous to see him cook for his boys, but in the end always being grateful for Sanji's efforts.

It's those simple things, the smallest details that makes someone's life beautiful, and Zoro was slowly starting to see how everything looked a lot duller without Sanji. No matter how much they cursed at each other, how many times they resorted to kicks and punches, at the end of the day they could rely on each other and have each other's backs, and the lack of all of this was making Zoro completely hollow.

Yes, he still smiled and laughed every now and then, he was still happy to be around his family but there was no spark anymore. There was still that ache in his chest, that uneasiness in his stomach, that feeling of being incomplete, and all that sadness looming over him like a black cloud.

"Zoro, are you still here with us?"

A voice tore him away from his musings, and his head snapped back up. His eyes wandered confused among the people that were staring at him.

"What?" Zoro asked as his eyebrows furrowed.

Sabo briefly pointed at what Zoro was gripping in his hands "You've been staring at those cobs for quite a while. You don't wanna use those as dildos."

Ace, Luffy and Usopp snorted with laughter as they kept getting everything ready for dinner.

Zoro's eyes grew the size of the moon as he looked down at the foam tray with two corn cobs in his hands, then back at Sabo, and flung the entire thing at his face.

By that point Ace, Luffy and Usopp were kneeling on the floor as they held their stomachs in hysterics.

Zoro didn't complain about the joke, it was the kind of things that kept him relatively sane in those dire times. He laughed with his family and tried to stop thinking too much as he went back to actively help them prepare dinner for his parents.

"Boys?" Shanks called out, his voice followed by heavy foot steps.

His face was the first one to appear on the threshold of the kitchen, and he immediately let out a surprised exclamation upon setting his eyes on his nephew.

"Oh my… Sabo?!"

"Apparently, yes!" Sabo sniggered as he walked up to his uncle with a huge grin plastered to his face and a glass of white wine in his left hand.

"This is such a great surprise!" Shanks cried out as he hugged Sabo.

Mihawk popped out shortly after, eyebrows drawn together in confusion at the commotion, and then slightly lifted them up as he actually saw Sabo all wrapped up around his husband.

"Oh, you're actually here." Mihawk said, a hint of surprise actually perceivable in his tone of voice.

Zoro couldn't help but smirk at his father's reaction, and the way in which all the color had drained from Sabo's face over the sheer terror that Mihawk could infuse into people.

"Uncle Mihawk…" Sabo said tentatively, his grin fading slightly as he pulled away from Shanks.

"Don't worry, I won't kick you out," Mihawk reassured him "yet."

Sabo's features relaxed as he heaved a sigh of relief and everyone else but he and Mihawk laughed.

"Did you make dinner?!" Shanks gasped as he sniffed the air in the kitchen "And I can't smell anything burn, I'm impressed." he nodded.

"Yeah well, I'd wait to taste it before saying anything." Ace curled his lips as he jerked his chin in the direction of the stove.

"We can always order Chinese or something." Luffy chimed in.

Zoro was smirking all the while as he listened to everyone speak. He was feeling peaceful and grateful for being surrounded by his family, even if it wasn't as complete as he would have liked it to be. He absentmindedly took his usual seat by the kitchen table, sighing contently at the feeling of comfort.

"How's my injured child doing?" Shanks said as he was suddenly standing right beside Zoro, lifting the short sleeve of his shirt to check on his healing wound.

"The fuck?!" Zoro exclaimed, flinching and tearing his arm instinctively away from Shanks.

"What the hell, Zoro! I was just checking on you!" Shanks complained.

"What happened to you, anyway? I meant to ask but forgot." Sabo inquired as he sipped on the last drops of his wine.

Mihawk rolled his eyes into the back of his skull "Did you really have to ask in front of your uncle?" he groaned.

"W-why?" Sabo frowned.

"What happened to him is…" Shanks started as he straighten up, placing his hand on top of Zoro's head, just to have it batted away by him "His father decided it was an amazing idea to spar with real blades instead of wooden ones, when Zoro's mind was clearly not ready for it."

"Jesus Christ…." Zoro muttered as he covered his face with both hands.

"This will probably never stop being funny." Luffy failed to whisper to Ace and Usopp who tried to bite back their laughs.

"Zoro is going through a hard time, and my husband decided it was the right moment to wield an actual katana against him, and ended up slicing our son up." Shanks went on.

"You make it sound like I gutted him." Mihawk deadpanned.

"You could have!" Shanks retorted "You're lucky it was just an arm!"

"Alright, alright, I get it. Now I know, no need to argue over it!" Sabo tried to end it with a nervous laugh.

"You just released the Kraken, boy. It won't be easy putting it back to the bottom of the ocean." Ace said as he patted Sabo's shoulder.

"I noticed..." Sabo bit his lower lip, then threw Mihawk a panicked glance "He's so gonna kick me out."

–

Just like Ace had foretold, forcing the kraken back to the bottom of the ocean wasn't exactly easy. Shanks and Mihawk argued for a good fifteen minutes, no matter how many times Zoro had tried to put the whole story to rest, and all the while Sabo wanted to crawl into the fridge and freeze to death.

It was only after Luffy had stepped into the conversation saying that he wanted to drop out of school that the attention focused on him and how Mihawk and Shanks were adamant on him continuing his studies, to which everyone else retorted stating that none of them had gone further to school and they were all doing just fine.

A good hour after those banters, the family finally sat down to eat dinner and enjoy each others' company like it rarely happened as of lately. Everyone wanted to hear all about Sabo's adventures, the places he had visited, the people he met and all the weird things his companions were able to do.

It was incredibly cozy and relaxing, and Zoro's mind had finally emptied of all the thoughts that were disrupting his calm, and he had been so actively drawn into the conversation that he never even once managed to let his mind wander. The food had certainty done its part, and Shanks had finally caved in and let him drink some of the wine and beer that everyone else was enjoying, making everything even easier.

An hour bled into the other, laughter turned into yawning, talking turned into mumbling, and bed time finally arrived. Sabo offered to wash the dishes, and Shanks said that he would have helped him out, since he was apparently in the mood to keep chatting.

"You wanna share my bed or Zoro's?" Ace asked, fingers running through his hair before everyone left the kitchen.

"That's dirty, ooh!" Sabo smirked.

"Sabo, please." Ace shook his head.

Zoro was sort of hoping he wasn't going to pick his room, because he just wanted to go to sleep and he knew that the moment he and Sabo were going to be alone the blond would have started asking all the questions he shouldn't have.

"Fine, fine… I'll sleep with you, if Smoker isn't gonna be jealous."

Zoro pursed his lips, knowing very well that his parents still didn't know that Ace was seeing someone, now.

"What?" Shanks said, eyebrows drawn together "Who is Smoker?" he pronounced the name like it was the weirdest word to ever roll off his tongue.

Mihawk arched an eyebrow and sat back down on his chair, clearly ready for another hour of bantering. Ace turned to glare daggers at Sabo, who had already caused too much trouble in such a short span of time.

"We're going to bed, goodnight!" Luffy said as he literally dragged Usopp away with him, and Zoro took it as his own cue to abandon his older brother and finally run to the safety of his room.

"Night!" Zoro echoed as he slithered away with Luffy and Usopp.

He knew nothing bad would have happened, but Ace should have been able to talk about Smoker to their parents in his own time, and when he would have been more comfortable. Sabo didn't mean any harm, just like with the whole commotion he had accidentally caused by bringing up Zoro's injury, but it was too funny that he just kept doing the wrong thing over and over again.

"Dude, Ace's gonna tear Sabo a new one." Usopp laughed as they went upstairs.

"Seriously, he's like a train wreck!" Luffy laughed himself, shaking his head.

"He doesn't even mean to cause all this shit, but…" Zoro shrugged, sniggering himself at how amusing it all was.

"That's the funniest part! It's like that Ben Stiller movie, what's it called?" Luffy asked as they reached the second story of the house.

"Meet The Parents?" Usopp suggested.

"Yes! He just kept accidentally making things worse and worse, even if he really didn't mean it! That's Sabo!" Luffy laughed out loud, and so did Usopp and Zoro agreeing on the comparison. It was definitely spot on.

"Goodnight, guys." Zoro said once they reached Luffy's room.

"Night Zoro!" Usopp nodded with a smile.

"Goodnight, Zoro… Will you be alright?" Luffy asked naturally.

Zoro's eyebrows furrowed in confusion "Why wouldn't I be?"

Luffy shrugged "Just making sure."

"You're weird." Zoro shook his head.

"Probably." Luffy smiled, then pushed the door of his room open, waving at his brother one last time before stepping inside.

Zoro smiled himself, then moved on to his own bedroom. His bed looked more inviting than ever, so he didn't lose too much time in shutting the door behind himself, strip down to his boxers, and finally dove into his bed.

He hadn't touched his phone for the entire evening, he had left it on his nightstand the moment he had stepped back home, after going grocery shopping with the rest of the boys. He wasn't expecting anyone to really look for him, maybe he would have found the usual social media notifications, but he had decided to take a break from those too, so he wouldn't have checked them.

He shuffled underneath the covers, then reached out to grab his cellphone just because he had downloaded one of those stupid games that would have definitely helped induce his sleep. He grabbed the phone, unlocked the screen and immediately dropped it with an exclamation, as if it had burned him.

Zoro sat up, his heart drumming against his ribcage and his breath suddenly ragged. He stared down at the screen of the phone that was now lying in his lap and still couldn't believe that the only notification he had was a WhatsApp text from Sanji.

It was happening, there was no turning back now, it was Zoro's chance too, he never thought it would have been Sanji to make the first move and that was truly blowing his mind. Along with his nearly exploding heart, of course.

Zoro picked up his phone again with a shaky hand, and his trembling thumb swiped down to finally tap and open the message.

'i fucking miss you'

If Zoro's heart had threatened to rip through his chest up until then, he was pretty sure that it had stopped for more than just two seconds. His lungs felt frozen, his throat blocked as if concrete had just been poured down his mouth.

Sanji missed him, and he missed him too. So damn much, so much that he didn't know if his body was actually going to resume functioning again.

Zoro was just trying to figure out how he was going to act, what he should have replied, but in that span of time he saw that Sanji had started typing up again, and his blood turned to ice in his veins.

'fuck i shouldn't have said that im such a fuckin loser'

Zoro's heart dropped to his stomach. That was just so typical of Sanji, impulsively sending a text just to regret it shortly afterwards. Zoro would have laughed if he hadn't been feeling like he were on the verge of a heart attack. Sanji was still typing.

'or maybe i should have and i did well'

'i dont care about looking like a fuckin fool anymore bc i miss u too much'

Zoro's stomach ached, and his head felt light. He didn't know what his feelings were actually doing, he was going through a storm of emotions. The two sides of him were clashing, one still trying to be stubborn and telling him to beware, but the other one was prevailing as it told him to just let go of all this anger and be happy, to forgive and move forward.

'i saw u at the mall today, i mean it could have been anyone else but not many people have a huge head covered in moss'

So Sanji had seen him, he didn't think he would have, and for a moment he felt a small rush of panic surge but being quickly washed away by the rest of the text. Zoro's eyes fluttered shut for a few moment, and a teary laugh escaped his lips. What an idiot. Sanji could make fun of Zoro at any moment in life, even after everything that had happened, but there was no way Zoro could be mad… Not anymore.

Zoro knew that Sanji was on a roll, so he let him write as much as he needed to, resulting in one of his usual monologues.

'i saw ace with u too u guys made up im happy'

Zoro tensed up right away. That was a low blow and he knew it, he could read the venom in those words even if he couldn't hear them being uttered, even if he couldn't see the ill-concealed scorn painted all over Sanji's features.

'i saw someone else too… u got urself a blond boy toy at last?'

Zoro's fingers loosened their grip on the cellphone and let it slide out of his hand again, to land on the mattress still facing upwards. That was just uncalled for, Sanji never knew where was the line between what was acceptable and what wasn't. That was why the shitstorm had started in the first place and what made Zoro rethink immediately where he actually stood.

There was a small pause during which Zoro kept staring at the slowly blackening screen of his cellphone while Sanji had stopped typing. He didn't want to reply now, not anymore, and he had wished Sanji wouldn't have bothered texting him at all. Zoro just wanted to switch off his phone and go to sleep, even if Sanji's words were going to torment him like a damn poltergeist.

Another couple buzzes. The screen lit up again. Sanji had resumed his writing and Zoro left the phone on the mattress as he unlocked the screen to read what bullshit he had come up with, now.

'fuck i truly am an asshole i shouldnt have said that im so sorry zoro'

Zoro's throat knotted up and his eyes fell shut again as he took in a shaky breath. Reading his name written by Sanjj had definitely done a number on him… Why was it so easy for that damn blond to break him? He felt so pathetic.

'please answer me dont let me write a novel of bullcrap'

Zoro shook his head and let out a sharp breath. He grabbed his phone again and got to typing.

'yeah u are a fucking idiot thats no news. and i got no boy toys it was sabo u jerk'

Zoro didn't even bother rereading such few words and just pressed the send button. He didn't feel like adding anything else just yet, not after the amazing boy toy stunt that Sanji had managed to pull.

'sabo? so it was really him? He's back?'

What a question mark enthusiast.

'yeah he's staying over for a couple weeks'

Zoro was starting to feel more and more at ease. His heart and stomach were still on edge, but he was able to finally lay back down in his bed instead of being as tense as a violin string.

He still had a hard time believing that he was really talking to Sanji, though. It felt incredibly surreal, because they hadn't had any kind of contact for such a long time but falling back into conversation with him had been so ridiculously easy.

'i see thats cool'

Zoro knew that Sanji was probably keeping from writing more, perhaps asking Zoro to tell Sabo he said hi, or even telling him that he would have liked to meet him after almost two years of not seeing him.

'im sure he'd like to see u after all this time'

Zoro hit the send button and waited for an answer, feeling like he was just dancing around the real reason they were texting in the first place. He stared down at his words, lower lip worried between his teeth in the process, then decided it was time to pull out the stick he had voluntarily stuck far up his ass, because if Sanji had done it, then it was about time he did it too. While Sanji was typing his own reply, Zoro beat him to it and sent something else.

'i fuckin miss u too'

The phrase 'Cook is typing…' suddenly disappeared to make room for a single world 'online'. Had he died? Possibly, even if Zoro hadn't really hoped for that outcome.

Should he text again and ask if he was okay? No, no, that would have sounded maniacal, he should have just waited at least another while to do that. He couldn't have possibly made a false step, Sanji had been the one to write that as an opening to their conversation. Zoro convinced himself that he was merely overreacting to the whole situation, maybe he should have just locked the screen to stop obsessing over it, or he should have randomly browsed through Instagram or something to keep busy.

Maybe he should have downloaded another game, one of those stupid games that are able to suck you in for hours on end. Yes, that sounded like a fair option. Zoro opened the Play Store and began to browse through the game section in search of something that looked even just remotely funny or interesting.

Buzz buzz.

Alright, he didn't need a new game, Sanji was still alive. Zoro heaved a sigh and opened WhatsApp once again, directly on his conversation with Sanji.

'i miss being at ur house and sleeping cuddled up to u. this bed is so small and lonely. fuck i even miss listening to u snore like a shitty truck'

There was a fluttering inside Zoro's stomach, but at the same time he couldn't help the laugh that erupted from his throat. What an idiot, he really missed his stupid comments so much, he missed every kind of interaction he could have had with Sanji like air, and now it was like breathing again.

'its not like u never fuckin snored u princess'

Zoro wrote, a smirk curling his lips, his eyelids felt heavy but he didn't want to give in to sleep.

'i'll show u a fuckin princess when i'll stick my foot up ur ass'

Zoro's smirk turned into a full grin as he replied.

'a class act as usual'

There was another pause, and this time Zoro thought that Sanji was perhaps mustering up the courage to say something else… Or maybe he had just fallen asleep. It had happened often in the past, when Sanji couldn't sleep he would call Zoro up and be lulled to sleep to the sound of his voice. Text messages worked too, at times.

He had no idea as to where the conversation was headed. He didn't know whether Sanji was going to just stop replying, but Zoro's heart was once again on the verge of climbing out of his esophagus to abandon his body forever.

Fuck. He missed him so much, even if his brain was still sounding all the alarms it could, Zoro's chest was aching from how much he would have wanted to just sit on his bed with Sanji sitting across from him, speaking nonsense. To swipe his fingers across Sanji's hands and arms, to card them through his gold and black locks. But the ghost of what had happened was still there, rattling chains and serving as a grim reminder of how things had crumbled to the ground.

Once more Sabo's words came back to him, as clear as if he was hearing his cousin's voice in his ears telling him that he should have talked to Sanji, that he should have forgiven him, because to Sabo it was just impossible to think about them being apart from each other. To top it all off Not Strong Enough by Apocalyptica began to pour back into his mind, each word carving Sanji's name on every inch of Zoro's flesh. Sabo was right, not even Zoro had ever thought it was possible for he and Sanji to stay away from one another… How could they have let things get so awful in such a brief span of time?

Zoro's phone vibrated while thoughts of all kinds were swarming through his head. What was he going to read next? Another joke? More sour words? He tapped on the notification and went on reading.

'do u think u will ever be able to forgive me?'

Zoro choked on his own breath. What was he supposed to say? Of course Zoro would have wanted to forgive him, forgetting was a whole different story, though. Could he ever trust Sanji again? That was another important question that he wasn't exactly sure he could answer, either.

One question at a time. There was no rush. He wasn't going to lie to Sanji, not even under the influence of the way he felt about being able to exchange texts with him.

'i think i could just not through whatsapp messages'

Zoro read those nine words over and over before he could actually tap the send button. Was it too cold of a message? Maybe, but it was the truth. Talking about important matters through written speech wasn't a thing to Zoro, he would have needed to see him in person to do that.

'thats something i guess'

Came Sanji's answer just a few seconds later. A small crooked smile tugged at the corner of Zoro's lips. He was being reasonable, at least, so Zoro decided to add something to his own previous answer.

'the fact that u asked to be forgiven is already a big deal to me'

Zoro caught his tongue stud between his teeth and started chewing on it, nervously. He did mean what he had said, knowing that Sanji was actually willing to apologize made butterfly wings flutter into his stomach. It was a big step into the right direction, no matter what, even if it was still only behind a small screen.

Buzz buzz.

Zoro's teeth stopped clicking against the piercing but still held it firmly between the two rows pearly whites. The message popped up right below his own, since the screen hadn't gone into standby.

'ur so fuckin cheesy omg'

Zoro snorted, shaking his head and pursing his lips as his teeth let go of the tongue stud. Sanji was still typing, so he waited for him to send more as he nibbled on his lower lip.

'well if u want me to apologize in person… in three days we gotta perform at the Punk Hazard… we went there once for a Wednesday 13 concert, remember?'

Zoro's heart stopped beating once again. What Sanji had just asked felt like a punch square into his solar plexus that knocked the wind out of him. The information that had reached his brain was enough to send it into a metaphorical blue screen of death mode.

He remembered the Wednesday 13 concert like it had happened just a couple days before. It had been such a beautiful night, Sanji had held his hand the whole time and afterwards they had slept together in Zoro's bed, curled one against the other like there wasn't going to be a tomorrow. It had been one of those nights in which Zoro knew that there was just no turning back in his feelings, he kept falling in love with Sanji harder and harder every day. That night he had softly grazed Sanji's lips with his own while the blond slept, and murmured a drunken 'I love you' under his breath before falling asleep. They were eighteen, and Zoro always wondered if Sanji had heard him or not… He was wondering even now.

Was it fate that made The Crows play at Punk Hazard for the next gig, the one were Sanji would have wanted to meet Zoro? Or was it casualty? Did Sanji remember everything about that night, or was it a venue just like any other to him?

Zoro started to think that his mind was definitely overworking, everything was about to be blown out of proportion and he couldn't afford that, not in such a delicate moment. He needed to focus and not let his brain be overwhelmed by the past, he needed to think about the imminent future and how he needed to act, and the decisions he had to make.

He didn't think he could watch his band perform without him, it would have been too much for him. It was too soon, even if he had been the one to quit, but at the same time it could have been the right environment for a talk with Sanji.

The vibration of the cellphone made Zoro snap out of his internal turmoil. He unlocked the screen and read Sanji's message.

'i guess u either passed out or decided to stop answering. either way goodnight.'

Zoro furrowed his eyebrows. He didn't think he was taking that long to reply, Sanji was being a drama queen as usual, so he decided to respond right away.

'im right here i just got caught into memories from the gig u mentioned. anyway i will think about it ok?'

There wasn't a better answer he could provide, he'd rather stay home than torture himself by watching The Crows without him, and then having to face all of them and possibly their fans. That wasn't an ideal night, nor an ideal way to talk things out with Sanji, no matter how loud Sabo's voice was, in the back of his head.

More buzzing.

'alright. goodnight marimo.'

A tug to Zoro's heart. He had always hated that nickname with a passion, but it had inevitably grown on him. He knew that Sanji said it with affection rather than actual mock, nowadays, and Zoro had surely missed that little detail, too.

'night curly brow. even if u shave them off they're still curly to me.'

Was Zoro's reply, and it was followed right away by Sanji's last answer:

'jerk'

Zoro smirked, then let out a long, shaky sigh. He felt even more exhausted than when he had got into bed. His mind was exhausting, his emotions were exhausting, and the last thing he had thought would happen that night was start texting Sanji back and forth. It still felt so surreal that Zoro had to go back and check on his phone if it had truly happened… He was pretty sure he was going to check it in the morning too, just in case.

He tried to get comfortable underneath the covers again, he plugged his phone to charge the battery and set it down onto the nightstand. He didn't know if he was going to be able to actually fall asleep, not with all the adrenaline still coursing through him, not with all those thoughts crowding his mind, so many and messy that he feared his skull could collapse.

Sanji wanted to see him, but Zoro still didn't know if he was ready to see him. Texting was one thing, it still did the trick but it was slightly more impersonal, having to face Sanji could have meant total ruin. Words accompanied by tones and facial expressions could take a whole different meaning, and as it was very common between the two, it could have resulted into an ugly fight. A physical one at that.

There were so many factors to consider, and Zoro's head was so loud that he would have wanted to chop it off, but instead he resorted to putting it underneath his pillow and trying to flush everything out through meditation.

Slowly, relentlessly slowly, his mind started to empty, his heart rate slowed to the common rhythm of sleep. Zoro drifted off, hands still balled into fists and head still stuck under the pillow. His jaw began to unclench, his shoulders relaxed and soon all his muscles would have gone to sleep with the rest of the body… Unless his dreams were going to turn agitated and uneasy.

Come morning, maybe Zoro was going to make up his mind.

–

A spoon rattling against ceramic as a coffee was being slowly but insistently stirred, the sounds of a newspaper being opened, the pages turning making as much noise as a mower. A voice distant and distorted unable to properly reach the deaf ear it was supposed to call out to. Written words and a bright white screen cascaded and flashed before vacant eyes, the smell of rich, spicy tea unable to reach uninterested nostrils.

A heavy, large hand suddenly and none too gently placed on a sore, unprepared shoulder. Sanji flinched so hard he nearly knocked over the mug placed underneath his nose. It took him more than just a few moments to readjust into the room, reality coming back to him like a bad dream.

"What the hell is wrong with you, these days?"

Sanji lifted his bloodshot eyes up to meet his father's worried look. Somehow Sanji thought he had never saw Zeff's brow so deeply creased, and his words still fell upon inattentive ears.

"Sanji? Are you alright?"

He heard him this time. Sanji blinked a couple times, then scrubbed a hand down his tired face.

"Sure." he replied, then looked down at the mug of rapidly cooling tea.

"Bullshit." Zeff replied.

Sanji heaved out a sigh, then busied himself with large sips of tea. It wasn't too cold, yet, the taste was still rich and the temperature enjoyable.

"I know I'm barely home these days, but it's hell down at Baratie. Still, I worry about you. You look like shit."

Sanji snorted into his tea, then licked it off his upper lip as he set the mug down onto the table "If you didn't kick me out you'd have an extra pair of helping hands," he started, gaze locked with Zeff's "and not just any hands." he added.

"I did it for your own good, you were going to hurt yourself or mess up the dishes, and you know it!" Zeff started "You need to be focused, and your mind is never where it's supposed to be, until you've solved what's been haunting you."

Sanji rolled his eyes so far in the back of his skull that he could have easily passed out "This is the opposite of helping me, you shitty geezer."

Zeff sat down again, across from Sanji. The young man could feel his father's eyes burning on his skin as he stared down at the amber beverage inside the mug. After the heartfelt moment they had shared a while back, Sanji and Zeff hadn't had much time to spend together. Sanji didn't feel like he owed Zeff a change of attitude, nothing changes overnight after all, especially not after he decided to fire him.

"I can't have you in the kitchen, you'd literally set fire to it. Your lack of focus is too dangerous." Zeff explained in a soft, gentle tone. Sanji could tell he was making an effort again.

Another sigh, sharp and exasperated, left Sanji's lips. "I'm literally losing my mind, here. I got nothing to keep me busy unless I go to practice. I think I cleaned up my room five times in one day." he shrugged "I don't sleep, because I constantly get nightmares, I just…" his voice died, he pressed his lips together as he looked over at his father.

He didn't know whether he was supposed to say those things, but since Zeff wouldn't leave him alone the only thing to do was trying to bring him up to date with what was going on with him lately. More or less, leaving many details out.

"Have you been eating properly?" Zeff asked.

Sanji tilted his head to the side "When I remember, yeah."

Zeff took that as an alarming sign, or at least Sanji figured out as much, since his features creased even further, and his complexion faded to a much paler shade of pink. Food was the most important thing for Zeff, it was the same for Lianne, his wife and Sanji's mother. They had passed all their knowledge of the power of food on to their son, and Sanji knew how different types of food could affect one's health. Zeff and Lianne would have never let Sanji skip a meal, nor feed him anything remotely unhealthy or that wouldn't have given him the energy to face his everyday routine. When Lianne stopped eating almost completely, Zeff knew that something was seriously wrong, hence why his reaction to hearing that his son was barely eating.

"You're not allowed to touch the stoves, but I need someone to clean up the kitchen and wash the dishes." Zeff began "Even though you didn't even sleep, so I don't have much use for someone with no energy." he added shortly after.

Sanji perked up. Was he taking him back to work? he tried to play it cool, even if his inner self was screaming in joy. Going back to the Baratie would have definitely kept his mind off the thoughts that were eating him up.

"I could always come by after the dinner service?" Sanji suggested, clearing his throat "I can try and get some sleep, so I could be more useful."

Zeff stood up from his seat "Alright. You can start by cleaning up these," he said as he gestured towards the mugs on the kitchen table "I'll see you tonight."

Sanji gave a curt nod "See you tonight." he echoed as his father left the kitchen and the apartment.

His eyes stared at the empty corridor of the house even after the front door had been clicked shut. This wasn't going to wash away completely the anguish that gripped him with its iron fist, but it was still a small start. Sanji needed the distraction and needed the little money he could maybe gain.

Was he really going to be able to sleep, though? He didn't think so. Especially not now that his mind had automatically gone back to the night before, and the chat with Zoro. He felt sick to his stomach all of a sudden, he kept thinking about Zoro being willing to forgive him, but at the same time not wanting to see him. But then again… What if Zoro actually decided to show up to the concert? How would he react to that? What was he supposed to do?

His head was going to burst. Or maybe his chest was going to burst. Or most likely both his skull and ribcage were going to explode.

Sanji stood up and went to his bedroom, where his phone was still lying on the nightstand. He sat down on the unmade bed, his lack of warm clothing made a shiver run down his spine. He grabbed the cellphone, his finger hovering the WhatsApp icon as he decided whether he should reread the conversation with Zoro, or if he should just message Nami to tell her about it.

Reading the convo again wasn't going to change anything, it was just going to make him obsess over Zoro's words even more, talking to Nami was his only option. He tapped on the icon and right underneath Zoro's name was Nami's, he opened their conversation and started typing up a message.

'hello beautiful. how are u doing? you're probably at school now but i really need to talk to u. call me asap'

He hesitated sending. Was it too tragic? Yeah, probably. Did he care? Nah, he truly needed Nami's input, no matter what she was going to say, he couldn't keep bottling everything up, that part of him needed to fuck off and let him live. Sanji tapped the send button and threw the phone on the mattress.

He needed to put something into his stomach really badly, but at the same time he wasn't sure he would have been able to keep it down. Maybe he could have tried with the tea again, he hadn't even had half of it while Zeff was there. Tea and some cookies, or maybe a plain piece of toast. Yeah, tea and toast sounded like the best option. He could do that, his stomach could manage.

Sanji walked back the kitchen as he turned on the ringtone of his phone, so he wouldn't miss a possible answer from Nami, or maybe… Who knew… Zoro could have contacted him again? Yeah, that was very unlikely, but he couldn't help his hopes.

He set the phone on the table as he set up the kettle and turned on the toaster. Maybe he could have spread some jam on the bread, too, the sugar would have definitely given him more energy. Sanji's brain was working frantically on possible recipes, finding more and more things to add to his breakfast as a mean to escape any other kind of obsessive thought about Zoro. Well at least it seemed to be working, even just a little bit.

It was when the toaster rang and the slices of bread jumped out that Sanji's phone went off, making him drop one of the toasts in surprise.

"Fuck!" he hissed as he collected the toast from the floor then grabbed his phone, and as IAMX's President blasted through the speakers, Nami's beautiful face appeared on the screen. Wasn't she at school?!

"Hello?" Sanji answered, brow creased in confusion.

"Hey, are you alright? That text worried me, so I got out of class to call you."

Sanji's heart dropped to his knees. How incredibly sweet was she? He couldn't believe it.

"Aw, you absolute sweetheart, I'm sorry... I shouldn't have written you that, I should have waited!" Sanji cried out, shaking his head "I don't want you to get in trouble because of me."

"Oh, please!" Nami scoffed "I'm not gonna get in trouble, and I don't even care if I do… Tell me what happened."

The kettle whistled. The water was boiling. Sanji turned it off and moved to pour the water into the mug, careful not to spill it and not to accidentally burn himself.

"Well… I did something, last night…" Sanji started, way too vaguely. He took a seat as he placed a teabag into the mug.

"You better not be about to tell me that you hurt yourself, or I'll kick your ass!" Nami sneered, clearly trying to keep her voice down.

"No!" Sanji furrowed his eyebrows "No, not that kinda something!"

A relieved sigh came from the other end of the phone "Thank God… What is it, then?"

Sanji nervously chewed down on his labret as he stared down at the steam rising from the mug "I… Texted him." he knew there was no reason to say his name out loud, Nami knew who he was referring to.

"Oh my–!" Nami nearly shouted. Sanji imagined her as she slapped a hand against her mouth to keep from making too much noise. "Holy shit! You did?!" Nami went on, her voice was almost a whisper.

Sanji nodded, even if Nami couldn't see him "I did… I can't believe I actually did it."

"I'm so proud of you, oh God!"

Sanji felt blood rushing to his cheeks, he was probably blushing like an idiot "Th-thanks…"

"So? What did you say? Did he reply?!"

"He did…" Sanji ran his tongue between his lips, they were slightly chapped but he didn't really notice "I told him I missed him. I nearly fucked up, though…" he confessed as he rolled his eyes.

Nami let out a small chuckle, and Sanji imagined her beautiful orange hair waving as she shook her head. "I'm so happy! Did you text for a long time?"

She was so full of questions, but Sanji had definitely expected it.

"Not so much…" Sanji shrugged a shoulder, then dropped two spoonfuls of cane sugar into his tea and began to stir it "I asked him to forgive me, but he said he wants me to apologize in person."

"Oh shit! He totally wants to see you!"

Sanji's lips scrunched into a hollow smile "Yeah… Don't really know about that." he sighed, eyes fixated on the amber inside the mug.

"Why not?"

Sanji could hear the frown in her voice. It nearly broke his heart all over again.

"I seized the day… Asked him to come to the show, but he said he has to think about it. It isn't a no, but it isn't even a yes." he explained, then took a small sip of tea. It was hot enough to warm his entire body, and had some sort of relaxing influence on him.

"Well…" Nami paused right away as if she was scrambling to find the right words to say.

Sanji wasn't looking to be pitied, anyway, he had just felt the need to share last nights texting session with her.

"It's alright… I didn't expect things to just magically be fixed again." Sanji said with a small, hollow laugh.

"Look, you showed him that you care. You proved that you wanna fix things, that you want his forgiveness. That means a lot, I'm sure he agrees with me."

"He… Did write that. Sort of." Sanji bit his lower lip, he remembered the texts by heart. He had read them so many times. "He said that me wanting to apologize is a big deal, but he couldn't handle such a conversation through texts."

"See? That's great! Maybe he'll even come to the concert!"

Sanji truly appreciated the enthusiasm, but he was incredibly skeptic "Yeah, right… That's unlikely."

"Don't be so pessimistic!" Nami let out an exasperated sigh "Don't give up hope, until yesterday you thought he didn't even want to hear from you anymore!"

"He said he misses me." Sanji cut her off abruptly, his voice breaking as he processed that concept once again. It made him so emotional.

A muffled little squeal came from Nami's end of the phone, and Sanji smirked as a small tear rolled down his cheek, completely unexpectedly.

"Oh my God, Sanji… This is so great! I'm stupidly happy!" Nami cried out in a small, excited voice that made Sanji laugh through a few tears.

"Fuck, I love him so much!" Sanji choked out as he covered his eyes with a shaky hand.

"Sanji, he might really come to the gig…" Nami said softly.

It was like a switch had been flicked on in Sanji's brain. He let the hand drop to the table, his eyes the size of the moon and his cheeks tear stricken as he exclaimed "We need to play Spit It Out." he blurted out "Just you on the keyboard and my voice."

Nami exclaimed herself "Yes! Holy shit, yes!"

They both bursted into a little, excited laugh, and Sanji wiped away the tears that kept rolling down his cheeks.

"We could even rehearse tonight! Just you and me at my place!" Nami suggested, she sounded nearly more excited than Sanji.

"At what time do you get out of school?" Sanji asked, his brows furrowing as he thought about work that night "I got a shift at Baratie after dinner time."

"You do? I thought Zeff kicked you out?!"

Sanji let out an hysterical snigger "I guess it's my lucky day."

"Fuck, we should celebrate but we got too much to do!" Nami whined "I'll be home at two, can you make it?"

"Yes, yes." Sanji quickly nodded, so much that it hurt his neck.

"Perfect! I gotta go, or else the professor will murder me. See ya later!"

"Later!" Sanji said before ending the call.

He stared down at the table for a few moments as his mind processed the entire phonecall. He didn't want to get his hopes up, if he let his heart get too involved and Zoro didn't show up – like it was most likely going to happen – it was going to crush him badly. He should have preserved his heart and his sanity, but the excitement and positivity that Nami had infused him with were taking over completely.

With a stupid grin on his face, Sanji began to spread some strawberry jam on the piece of toast that hadn't landed on the floor, as he hummed Spit It Out to himself.

–

Days came and went, and Sanji got into juggling work and practice again like he had never really stopped. Zeff let him cook a few times, but he mostly did cleaning work and got paid cash whenever his shift ended. Of course he had only done three days of work, but it had already made him feel a lot better – he had a lot less time to think, and focused all his energy into scrubbing things clean and keeping his voice perfect.

Nami was doing a great job at trying to keep Sanji's spirit up, maybe a little too much, especially since Zoro was very likely not to show to the concert. It would have probably killed Sanji, but what could he do? Dropping by at the drummer's house was out of question, Sanji didn't think it was a good idea, especially not with his parents and brothers around. Hell, there was even Sabo in that house, now… Too many people. Not that they would have been alone, the night of the concert but… It was a completely different thing.

"So you're singing tonight, right?" Zeff asked as he pushed his specks back up the bridge of his nose. His eyes lost into the list of things he needed to buy for the day.

"Yeah," Sanji said as he stared at his granola yogurt. His stomach was completely shut, there was no way he could force any food inside of it.

"Then you should definitely eat, or you won't have any energy." Zeff said in a monotone, he licked the tip of his index finger and flipped a page.

Sanji grimaced "I can't even drink water, right now…"

"Well, you got the brunch shift, so you better eat. I don't want you to pass out around the kitchen." Zeff insisted.

"I won't pass out." Sanji rolled his eyes.

"I guess Zoro will be there, tonight?" Zeff asked, nose still buried into the notebook, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

Sanji dropped the spoon he had been fiddling with. His heart suddenly hammering into his chest, stomach knotting up even more as his cheeks flushed a bright shade of pink.

"W-what?" Sanji nearly squeaked out "No! I-I mean… Maybe. I don't know."

Sanji saw Zeff's lips curl into a smirk, the kind of devious smirk that he definitely didn't want to see across his father's face. Especially not while they spoke about someone that Sanji was in love with, that was creepy as hell.

"What the fuck are you smirking about?!" Sanji growled.

"Nothing… Just thinking about this risotto we'll make for lunch." Zeff said with a shrug.

"Oh, fuck off!" Sanji cried out, throwing his head back.

"I just want you and Zoro to make up once and for all, I can't stand living with a zombie anymore." Zeff said as he shut the notebook and took off his reading glasses.

Sanji exclaimed "So you wanna get rid of me?"

"I wanna get rid of the zombie, you stupid Eggplant." Zeff deadpanned as he shook his head "Do I really need to point this out?"

Sanji didn't answer and just went back to glare down at his untouched breakfast. No matter how much Zeff was trying to change things between them, and no matter how pleased Sanji could be with it, he could still get pretty uncomfortable. Before everything with Zoro had fallen apart, Sanji and Zeff had never talked about love, nor even about sexual orientation, for the matter.

Sanji had never hidden his sexuality, but he had never openly talked about it either. Still, Zeff had figured it out with time and maybe… Who knew… He had already seen something that bound Sanji and Zoro way before. But then again, the two barely spoke to each other in general, and not even in a very civilized manner.

"You never know what could happen in life, Sanji… You really don't wanna lose a chance at true love." Zeff broke the silence again.

A shiver jolted down Sanji's spine upon hearing those words, he lifted his eyes back up on his father, his sad and tired eyes were casually reading through the shopping list once again. Sanji stared at the crease in his brow, the wrinkles at the corners of his eyes and lips and wondered if he would have still looked somewhat younger if Lianne would have been there.

Zeff's words were wise and imbued with pain. He had loved and lost to the cruelty of life, he would have wanted to love longer and harder, he would have wanted to have a normal life with his wife and his son, but fate had taken it away from him. Loss had destroyed him from his very core and had damaged Sanji almost to the point of no return.

"Dad…" Sanji breathed out, his throat knotting up as soon as his eyes met his father's.

"You'll do great tonight." Zeff nodded, eyes glistening with tears that weren't going to fall.

"You can bet your wrinkly ass I will." Sanji joked, a crooked smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Zeff laughed softly and shook his head "Eat your fucking yogurt, shitty Eggplant."

Sanji huffed with laughter and picked the spoon up from the floor in order to toss it into the sink and take a clean one. He definitely needed to eat his fucking yogurt.

–

Sanji's cellphone usually went off like crazy during the day of a concert, fans either began to tag him into photos, or tweets or statuses on their social media accounts, or the rest of the Crows kept writing on the group chat or calling him for details and such. That day was not so different, and Sanji was about to go crazy with the sound of the mobile vibrating against any kind of surface and making the most annoying noises.

Fans had in fact tagged him wherever they could, some even messaged him to make sure that they could get a photo with him – like he never stopped to hang out with them, and the Crows just wouldn't settle on a time to meet. To top it all off, Brook had bailed on them in the morning because he had got a bad case of influenza and there was just no way he could accompany them, so they would have had to load the drum kit into Franky's van, leaving not that many seats.

Sanji was painting his nails with the conversation open, as he watched his friends freak out through messages, and he didn't dare use his fingers to type anything and risk ruining his manicure. Not to mention the fact that he was actually dying to ask Luffy and Ace if Zoro was going to tag along, even just as a spectator. The more he thought about it, the harder his stomach churned and hurt.

Messages in bubbles kept popping up as Sanji shook the bottle of black nail polish, making the small iron spheres inside click. Vivi was the only one who was chill enough to actually settle the situation once and for all:

'its no big deal guys, nami and i can take my car so franky and robin can take the van with all the instruments'

She wrote, then added in another message:

'sanji can ride with us, too'

He felt a tug to his chest. Sanji really missed the times when he would be the one to ride in the backseat of Ace's car with Zoro, and as he still desperately clung to hope… He really expected one of his brothers to say something.

'sounds great luffy and i can take my car too'

Ace replied, and Sanji's heart dropped to his knees.

'just u and luffy? i thought sabo was coming too'

Nami asked. Sanji bit his lower lip, he would have definitely wanted to type 'and zoro' right after her message, but he refrained from doing so.

'yeah yeah he is'

Ace replied promptly, making Sanji want to plant his face into the kitchen table. Maybe Ace and Luffy wanted to keep Zoro as a surprise, maybe they were just going to show up at Franky's with the mosshead without telling anyone. Or maybe Zoro just wasn't going to come and Sanji needed to accept this possibility.

Only a few hours separated him from the truth, and it was impossible for him to calm down. He even ended up painting up to his finger by accident, and he had to manage his anger so that he wouldn't just fling bottle and brush at the wall. He wondered if there were any pills to calm down the awful rush of anxiety that was gnawing at him, but at the same time he didn't want to be too fucked up on stage.

Why couldn't he just be relaxed, for once? Stress and anguish are the enemies of a good performance, and he was imbued in them.

After his phone buzzed three, or maybe four more times, Sanji finally gave his input to the conversation, since he had been the only quiet one.

'thats fine by me i'll ride with nami and vivi. at what time do we meet at frankys again?'

He typed quickly, so that he could begin fixing the mess he had made all over his finger. He truly hoped he was going to have enough time to put together an outfit for the night without destroying his manicure, and without arriving late as fuck at Franky's.

'5:30 punk hazard isnt too far away thankfully'

Franky replied, and Sanji just sent a thumb up emoji in response. He still had three hours to get everything ready, and possibly get rid of the crippling anxiety that was going to make it impossible for any sound to leave his throat. He was sure he had seen some valerian pills on Zeff's bedside table, maybe he could have stolen a couple.

In the end he wasn't able to find any pill, so he just stuffed his duffel bag with fancy black clothes and makeup, and ready or not, Sanji was out of his door well in advance to walk all the way to Franky's. Of course he could have taken his own car, but since he was most likely not going to be able to even tell what a steering wheel was for, at the end of the night, it would have been completely pointless. Plus, stretching his legs in the cold could only do him some good, loner strolls always seem to make life a bit better.

He let the cold envelop him like an old friend as he shrunk into the layers of clothes he was wearing and tightened the fake fur coat against his body. His fingerless gloved hands immediately reached for a crumpled cigarette inside a half crushed packet, and failed to light it up twice, as his fingers quickly started to lose sensibility in the chill. The first puff of tobacco didn't exactly warm him up, but certainly felt like a poisonous blessing to his tensed nerves.

His long legs took large strides towards his destination, the pace steady but not too hurried, as people rushed by his sides, faces buried into large scarves, their eyes hidden by baggy hats. Everyone oblivious to the pain he harbored inside, oblivious to everyone else's struggle, the world went on at its own wild pace, unsympathetic, uncaring. It hit Sanji like a cold slap in the face to realize that nothing would ever stop, not even if he died. Life goes on, no matter the hurt that shatters you from the inside, no one really cares about your suffering, and if they do they'll never be able to fully comprehend it.

Sanji kept sucking on his cigarette, the cold gripping at his chest and gnawing at his heart, yet he wasn't going to stop just like the rest of the world. He had a show to put on, an audience to entertain, friends to please, because even if you're dead inside the show must go on, just like Freddie taught him. Just like Zeff did, even if he went on poorly, he still did it.

He emptied his heart and mind, only focusing on how the cold was stinging his face and drying his lips, making his eyes water with harsh gusts of icy wind. He was getting closer and closer to Franky's place, and for a moment he thought about slowing down and getting there as late as possible, just to avoid any kind of human interaction.

The closer he got to the house, the closer the concert felt, and with it the realization that Zoro was most definitely not going to be there. Sanji lit up another cigarette, trying to sedate the anguish welling up inside of him, the bitter taste of tobacco wasn't as disgusting as the taste of his unbridgeable sadness.

His feelings may have been excessive and over the top, but he truly couldn't help the way he felt, the presence or the absence of Zoro that night was going to hold a very big meaning. Yes, he might have texted Sanji that he missed him and that he could have forgiven him, but words are volatile even if written down and stored inside a mobile device memory. Actions speak so much louder, if Zoro's words were true he would have acted.

Yes, Sanji should have acted too if he wanted to be forgiven, but he was too fearful. Mustering up the courage to write to Zoro had already been consuming enough, to actually go to Zoro's house to speak to him could have resulted in having the front door slammed right into his face, and Sanji wasn't strong enough to bear with that kind of rejection. Hell, he didn't even know how he was going to react if – or more likely when – Zoro wasn't going to be at Franky's or at Punk Hazard.

Sanji needed to silence his over dramatic thoughts and suck it up, he needed to fucking chill. He took one last harsh drag of cigarette and threw it on the sidewalk, crushing it underneath the weight of his heavy combat boots. He could already see cars parked in front of Franky's house and a few colored manes that belonged to his friends, a green one stood out among them all, but it was the wrong one.

Fucking Bartolomeo.

Well at least his awful anguish was turning into annoyance, that was definitely a step further into forgetting about his pain. Even if just momentarily.

Nami, Vivi, Franky, Robin and Bartolomeo simultaneously turned to look at him as he approached them, they were all smiles, except for Robin's small smirk and Bartolomeo's very uncomfortable expression. Good, he needed to stay away from him as much as possible.

"Hey, handsome." Nami grinned.

Sanji blushed, no matter the cold. Was he ever going to stop feeling like that around women? He mentally punched himself square into his nose as he finally came to a halt a foot away from Nami.

"Hey, everyone." Sanji greeted as he raised a hand, then adjusted the strap of his duffel bag on his left shoulder.

Ace, Luffy, Usopp and Sabo were nowhere to be seen, and with them Zoro, too. Their absence alone made his stomach churn unpleasantly. Fucking perfect.

"Where are the others?" Sanji asked as he lit up another cigarette. His voice was probably going to be affected by the excess of nicotine, but he didn't care.

"Late, as usual," Franky shrugged a shoulder.

"Luffy said that Ace came home late from work." Bartolomeo chimed in with a trembling voice.

Sanji shot him a dirty look, and the green-haired man quickly looked away, nervously nibbling down on his lower lip.

"He probably got tangled into Smoker's bedsheets and couldn't get out on time." Nami commented casually as she whipped out her phone.

"Nami!" Vivi gasped, as Franky laughed like an idiot. Bartolomeo was clearly trying not to laugh, too.

"Whatever. They better get their asses here, soon." Sanji said in a monotone as he puffed away on his cigarette.

"I'm sure they'll show up in a few minutes." Vivi tried to reassure Sanji, her lips curling into one of her sweetest and most beautiful smiles.

At least there were still women in the world, that thought alone made Sanji feel slightly better as he tried not to obsess over the thought of who exactly was going to show up in a few minutes.

"So, Sanji, are you gonna sing with Freakshow again?" Franky inquired. He didn't know if it was out of pure curiosity, or just to make conversation.

Sanji hadn't actually thought about it, he furrowed his eyebrows as he let tobacco fill his lungs. He hadn't heard from Eustass since the night of the previous concert, so he had no clue.

"Dunno, maybe?" Sanji shrugged a shoulder as he exhaled smoke out of the corner of his mouth "I haven't heard from Kidd, but something tells me he either takes it for granted or doesn't wanna do it anymore."

"That would be too bad, your presence made the entire song so much better." Robin commented, quite unexpectedly.

Sanji arched an eyebrow and looked at her "Y'think?"

Robin wasn't the talkative type, she was more of a silent observer, and she had never actually talked to Sanji about his performances. Of course she had complimented him after gigs, but that was it, she never went into details. It was somewhat bizarre, but made Sanji feel all warm inside, he loved that kind of compliments.

"I really do, I hope to see you doing it again. It would be a shame if they wouldn't want that anymore." Robin went on, a real smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"Woah, thanks Robin..." Sanji muttered, a sheepish grin spreading across his lips as he bowed his head slightly.

The screeching of a hard braking had everyone jump out of their skin, and as Sanji turned around with a colorful string of curses, he saw Luffy launching himself out of Ace's car.

"Sorry we're laaaaaaate!" Luffy shouted.

Sanji's heart dropped to his knees, all his limbs petrified in anticipation. They had arrived. Who else was going to step out of the Chevrolet?

Usopp scrambled out of the car as if it had burned him and glared daggers at Ace, as he stood on trembling legs.

"You guys are fuckin' crazy, I ain't riding with you anymore." Usopp commented as he massaged his stomach with a hand.

"C'mon, it was fun!" Luffy bursted into a loud laugh as he looked back at his ill looking boyfriend.

"It was horrible!" Usopp cried, even while Luffy wrapped his arms around him.

"Sorry, sorry! My bad!" Ace said as he stepped out of the car with his hands raised "Took too long at work."

Sanji was staring at the scene unraveling in front of him but he couldn't really see it. He was trying to spot someone else in the car, but after Ace had thrown the door shut it seemed to be completely empty.

"Aw, was Smoker being really good?" Nami teased Ace, but Sanji didn't really see anyone's reaction to that.

Zoro wasn't there. He needed a moment to process it, even if he had tried to prepare himself to that possibility. It was the most likely outcome, after all. He stopped puffing on his cigarette and just left it to hang from his lips as he stared down at the glistening asphalt.

"I thought Sabo was gonna come, too?" Franky asked.

"Yeah, he is. But he'll come later 'cause he had to meet with his company," Ace explained "it was a last minute kinda thing. But he got his motorbike, so he'll be fine."

"Oh, alright."

"Sanji?" Vivi called out.

Sanji lifted his head, a chunk of ashes fell off the tip of his cigarette and fluttered away with the wind. He felt the cold gripping and squeezing his heart, but he managed to crack a smile at the girl.

"Yeah?"

"You alright?" Vivi asked.

Suddenly the weight of fourteen eyes was dropped onto him, and it was then that Sanji's mask fell back upon his face.

"Why shouldn't I be?" Sanji huffed with a hint of laughter, as if she'd asked the silliest of questions.

"I-I… Don't know? You just looked… Distant." Vivi explained, tentatively.

Sanji shrugged "I was just trying to remember the lyrics from Death March," he lied through his teeth "Robin and Franky made me realize I kinda forgot them."

"Oh… Alright." Vivi said, then exchanged a quizzical look with Nami who didn't add anything else.

"So, shall we roll?" Franky asked as he clapped his huge hands together.

"Before we go…" Robin cut in.

Sanji furrowed his eyebrows as he looked at her. That was such an odd behavior for the woman, she was usually very quiet and never really interrupted conversations. What was going on? His eyes went to Franky, who looked mildly surprised by her behavior as well.

"I gotta tell you something that I only can talk to you about now." Robin went on.

Alright, what the fuck was happening?

"Oh my God, are you pregnant?" Luffy impulsively asked.

"What? No she isn't!" Franky replied right away, then looked at Robin with a concerned expression in his eyes "You aren't, right?"

"How brave." Ace commented with a shake of his head.

"No, I'm not pregnant. This isn't about me, not really," Robin sighed, as her attention went back to the others "I'm not just a friend of the guys in Freakshow, I'm actually part of their record label company."

"You what?!" Nami shouted.

"What the fuck?!" Ace echoed her.

The cigarette slipped out of Sanji's lips as he gawked at her, unable to say anything that could have made any sense. She was from Baroque Records, and she had never said anything?

"Wait, were you spying on us?" Nami asked as her eyes squinted in a menacing way.

"Did you use Franky to spy on us? You better not break his heart!" Luffy growled as he stepped closer to her.

"I… Knew about it." Franky confessed as his gaze dropped to the ground, shamefully.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the fuck is going on here? Are you fucking with us?" Sanji finally found the strength to speak. "What the fuck are you both talking about?"

"You knew she is from Baroque Records, and never said anything?" Ace chimed in.

"You probably fucking knew, too!" Sanji roared in Bartolomeo's direction.

"Of course I did, but I couldn't tell you!" Bartolomeo said in his defense.

"Why the fuck not? Why all the fucking mystery?" Sanji barked out, ready to lash out on Bartolomeo just for the hell of it.

It was the perfect excuse to finally let out all the pent up anger he felt in Bartolomeo's regards. He still had no idea about what the fuck was happening, but he was so ready to knock out all of Bartolomeo's teeth.

"Sanji, calm down!" Franky shouted as he stepped in between he and Bartolomeo.

"I won't calm down, he's a fucking piece of shit and I'm gonna tear him the fuck apart!" Sanji yelled, his throat scratching painfully from the effort, his cheeks burning up in rage.

"I didn't do anything, he just fucking hates my guts for no reason! I've always just idolized him!" Bartolomeo shouted from behind Franky.

"You wanna fuck Zoro, that's what you wanna do, you damn leech!" Sanji roared as he tried to launch himself at Bartolomeo, but Franky held him back.

"Stop screaming like fucking baboons!" Nami yelled "You guys are fucking impossible! Let Robin speak!"

Sanji froze and stopped struggling. His face suddenly heated up as the embarrassment for what he had just said washed over him. He never wanted to say those things out loud, at least not in front of everyone. He knew they were all staring at him, so he limited himself to looking down at the ground as he lit up the umpteenth cigarette of the day.

"I didn't use Franky to spy on you guys, I just really like him," she began, as Sanji's eyes were still glued to the asphalt "but I did have to study you and your talent, to make sure that our company could chose you to be part of our team."

Sanji perked up at those words, his head snapped back up to look at Robin "W-what do you mean?" he asked, incredulous.

"Baroque Records would like you to sign a contract, to become part of our label as professionals." Robin smiled.

No. That couldn't be really happening, he had to be asleep.

"Are you– what the f–" Ace slapped a hand over his mouth.

"We… We are gonna become professionals?" Luffy asked, out of breath.

"This is a joke, right?" Nami asked, a nervous laugh erupting from her throat.

"No guys, this is very real." Robin nodded.

Everything was happening in a bubble, a parallel universe with its own time and space, Sanji felt his heartbeat slow down and miss several beats, but it was all just an illusion. The wind had been knocked out of him by the mere force of a few spoken words, words that could punch a hole through his chest with the strength of a battering ram.

The world around him blurred as he looked down at his cigarette as it laid down on the ground, smoking away into the wind. The events unfolding before him were getting more and more absurd.

Oh how things change. Words that would have made Sanji the happiest man in the world were actually crushing him like an ant. He should have rejoiced at the news, but he couldn't even manage to stretch his lips into a smile.

How awful is it when even the possibility of crowning your biggest dream can't make you happy any longer?

Because it wasn't just his dream, it was a goal that he shared with the most important person he knew, with someone he treasured far more than his dream itself. How could he be happy for the Crows to become professionals when Zoro wasn't there by his side? Sanji would have wanted to see his permanent frown relax into an expression of utter surprise, his eyes light up in sheer joy. Sanji would have wanted to turn to him and receive a bone crushing hug that swept him off his feet as Zoro's throaty laugh resonated in his ears. But he wasn't there, and maybe he wasn't going to be there ever again.

So how could he be happy about that? How could he even accept the deal he was being offered?

Sanji found his way back into his usual universe, time and space readjusted and as everyone was still stuttering and blabbering about Robin's words, Sanji took a step ahead and all eyes flew right to him.

"We cannot accept." Sanji said dry.

"Sanji, what the–" Nami attempted to protest.

"Forgive me Nami, but this is my call. You don't get to decide this," Sanji went on as he briefly turned around to look at her "Zoro isn't here with us, and I have to decline the offer."

A coy smirk appeared on Robin's lips, one that made Sanji furrow his eyebrows in bewilderment. He had just told her that he had no interest in signing up with her label, how could she still be smirking?

"That's the whole point," Robin began "we want the original line-up, or else there's no deal."

Sanji's eyes grew so wide that if they weren't firmly attached to his head, they would have most definitely rolled out off their sockets.

"No Zoro, no contract." Robin added, just to made things crystal clear.

"Oh…" Sanji's eyebrows shot up, this time.

"We mean no disrespect to Barto," Robin gestured towards the substitute drummer "but he doesn't officially belong in the band, and he's usually part of the Freakshow crew, which is another major band signed with our company."

"None taken, Robin!" Bartolomeo let out a nervous chuckle as he scratched the back of his head.

"No, he doesn't belong at all." Sanji echoed Robin's words in a quiet sneer.

"If you're able to fix things with Zoro and bring him back to the band, we'll be happy to see you join our team." Robin continued, smirk plastered to her lips.

How could anyone blame Baroque Records though, Zoro wasn't just the drummer, he was one of the main authors and the other founder of the band. How could a band really function without a part of its mind and heart? Sanji knew that very well, and it was somehow relieving to know that they felt that way.

"That's gonna take some effort…" Ace commented with a sigh.

Sanji's head snapped in his direction and their eyes met. They still hadn't had that infamous conversation that Ace was pressing about, but after spotting him at the mall with his brother, Sanji was pretty certain he wanted to talk about his reconciliation with Zoro. Of course he got off easier, he was his brother and had a boyfriend, Zoro couldn't possibly hold a grudge against him forever, but it still annoyed Sanji. Most of all, Sanji was annoyed by the nearly exasperated way in which he had suggested that getting Zoro to come back to play with the Crows was going to be hard. Like he was never one of the reasons why he left in the first place.

"I'm sure you'll find a way," Robin's eyes slowly scanned everyone around her "this is what you all dreamed of from the beginning, isn't it?"

There was a small chorus of 'yeahs', so the brunette's smirk bloomed into a grin as she gave a curt nod.

"Then make this extra effort and I'm sure you'll finally make this dream come true." Robin concluded her speech and took one step back, as if she was trying to return to her more introverted role in the group.

Everyone was left shaken by what had just happened, by the phrases that had just been pronounced, so they were all sort of lost into their own thoughts. Franky was the only one who probably already knew all about this, so he clapped his hands together once again to gain everyone's attention back.

"I think we should get going, what do you say?" Franky suggested.

"Sure, sure… Let's all go." Nami agreed as she promptly followed Vivi towards her black Maserati.

Everyone else murmured their agreements and went to their respective vehicles for the luckily brief journey. Sanji hesitated, mostly because his brain still couldn't fully process what had just happened. He was the last one to get into the designated car, and when he did it, he did it slowly and with his head hanging low, not even noticing the luxury he was surrounded with.

"You okay, sweetie?" Vivi asked as she turned around to look at Sanji.

"Yes, Vivi. Don't worry about me." a hollow smile curled Sanji's lips moments before his gaze fell back to his lap.

Nami didn't add anything as Vivi fired up the engine, and Sanji was enormously thankful for that. He didn't need to hear more words, didn't need more confusion added to his already overloaded mind. Sanji listened to the car purr back to life, but ignored the music coming from the speakers as he started to think about what his course of action was going to be.

Of course the most efficient way for Zoro to come back to the band was to simply tell him about the Baroque Records offer. At the same time Sanji thought that no matter how inviting the deal could have sounded, Zoro could have still refused to come back. Zoro had been willing to give up on his dream to stay away from Sanji since the beginning, it wasn't so crazy to imagine that he would have passed on the opportunity to sign in with a record label.

What had happened between him and Ace had ruined more things that Sanji could have ever thought. He had lost the person he loved the most, compromised the band leaving it with a substitute drummer, and now the only record label that really counted for underground bands in the country was only willing to let the Crows sign a contract if Zoro would have come back to them. It was like tipping a Domino tile and causing a chain reaction of pure crap.

Sanji didn't know how he felt about all of that, in fact he felt completely powerless. He couldn't deny that he was glad about not being able to sign up without Zoro, because he just wouldn't have wanted to do it without him. Still he thought about all the work, the sweat and the tears that had cost him and the others to get to where they were now as a band, and it felt so awful.

It was a lot like having the possibility of achieving their dreams at an arm's reach, but having two broken arms. The fulfillment was standing there, so close yet so unreachable, Sanji could almost touch it but his hands couldn't grab it. It felt like utter defeat and failure, but most of all Sanji felt like he had betrayed not only Zoro, not only himself, but the rest of his friends. Everyone was irremediably being affected by the chain reaction, and Sanji hated it.

For a moment he thought it would have been so much easier to give up and announce his defeat. To just roll over on his side and close his eyes, letting the vultures enjoy the feast of his sorry self. He could call it a day, disband and leave the others free to do whatever they wanted… But would it be fair? Would surrender be the right solution? The proper ending for the fighter that Sanji truly was?

Lianne wouldn't have allowed him to, even when he was just a little kid she always wanted him to fight for his rights and beliefs, to never give up. Zeff would have told him just the same, hell he had told him numerous times lately to go and live his dream, get back what made him happy. Zoro… What would have Zoro wanted? Did he still care about Murder Of Crows? Was he still willing to leave everything behind to save their dream? To save what they had always had? Sanji wasn't so sure, but he was done blaming him.

The only hope for Murder Of Crows to become professionals was that Sanji actually got the chance to properly apologize and fix things between he and Zoro, no matter how broken they might have been.

Sanji's hand hovered the pocket of his coat, his slender fingers slithered through the soft faux fur and traced the silhouette of his cellphone, as he debated whether he should have told Zoro about the deal or not. Doing so would have made Sanji look awfully materialistic and uncaring of Zoro's feelings, if he only messaged him to let him know that they needed him back if they wanted to sign a label contract.

The band was incredibly important, it was all of Sanji's life, but if talking about business could have jeopardized his chance at fixing things with Zoro… Well, that was a risk he was definitely not going to take. Sanji's hand moved to rest back in his lap, away from the phone as he had made up his mind. They probably didn't have to give Robin an answer that exact same night, so the only thing that he was going to focus on was deliver a great performance.

"I'm sorry Zoro wasn't there…" Nami suddenly spoke up.

An ice cold spike pierced through Sanji's heart at those words, roughly pulling him back to reality.

"Don't be." Sanji said dry, his eyes setting on the blur of the world they were speeding past.

To Be Continued...

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A/N: I know you all want to kill me right now, lmao – I just wanted to remind you that you can follow me on my One Piece sideblog on tumblr at marimoyaro for updates on the story (even if I don't log onto tumblr as often as I used to) or just see me reblog loads of ZoSan crap, and rant about OP chapters. Until next time, love ya!