A/N: Well, I wasn't planning on dropping this chapter for Christmas, but consider it as a gift from me to all of you! Even to those of you who don't celebrate it, haha!
I don't have very much to say this time, apart from thanking all of you for your constant and amazing support! Every review is cherished and I'm always going to try and reply to them all. You're all incredible!
Now on to the chapter! Enjoy!
Chapter 22
Sanji's throat burned, he had spent the last ten minutes emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet of the changing room, while someone kept banging on the door to ask him if he was doing alright.
"I'm fucking dying! Leave me alone!" Sanji shouted, not really sure about who had been trying to check on him for all that time, since he was too busy throwing up to recognize muffled voices.
"Shit! You need anything?"
Was that Ace's voice? It certainly was way too deep to belong to Luffy, and it most definitely wasn't Bartolomeo's.
"You fucking off would make me feel great." Sanji groaned as he wiped off his mouth with some toilet paper.
Well at least that stall was clean, he would have probably puked thrice as much if it was a nasty looking and smelling one.
The banging and calling from the other side of the door stopped altogether, so it was safe for Sanji to assume that Ace had actually granted him his wish. At least he could do one thing right.
He didn't need anyone's help, it wasn't a bug, wasn't intoxication, Sanji knew that at one point his stomach would have betrayed him like that, all the stress and anguish that had piled up within him was bound to be unloaded somehow. At least it had happened before the show and after soundcheck! Throwing up on stage was definitely not on his bucket list.
Sanji straightened back up, brushing off his knees and flushing the toilet. He regretted not having brought along a toothbrush, but he was definitely going to spend several moments rinsing his mouth with water, and then chewing some gum before the show. He checked the time on his phone, not caring about the notifications from his social network accounts, and realized that he hadn't stolen too much time from his preparation.
He unlocked the door and violently flinched back as he saw Ace standing right in front of him, arms firmly folded across his broad chest, half of his makeup done and stage clothes already on. His expression was severe, the intensity reminded Sanji both of Shanks and Luffy, but at the same time Sanji could read the concern in his glare.
"What the fuck?" Sanji grunted.
"You bolted off stage like a maniac! How could you expect no one to worry about you?" Ace started, spreading his arms.
"Now you're worried about me?" a sarcastic snigger erupted from Sanji's throat. "Don't make me laugh." Sanji shook his head. He tried to push past Ace, but he grabbed him by the arm "Let go of me." Sanji deadpanned.
"Sanji, I need us to be alright again." there was no hint of mocking or anything similar in Ace's voice, but Sanji laughed once again.
"Just 'cause you made up with Zoro and you feel bad about me?" Sanji asked, tone dripping with irony.
Ace hesitated for a moment, his jaw dropped slightly but no sound came out so he shut it again.
"I saw you at the mall." Sanji explained with a shrug "Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta get ready." The more the blond tried to yank his own arm away from Ace's fingers, the tighter he gripped at it. "I said let go!" Sanji growled lowly.
"Look, I tried to tell you, but you never wanted to speak to me!" Ace insisted.
"If you don't take your hand off me I'll knock you the fuck out, Ace." Sanji threatened, his tone low yet menacing.
"Don't walk away, Sanji," Ace said right before letting go of Sanji's arm "please." he added, pleading with his eyes, too.
Sanji didn't move, he stood still. He was still mad at Ace for spilling everything to Zoro without his consent. Sanji knew he couldn't avoid him forever, he was part of the band and Luffy and Zoro's brother – not to mention the fact that they used to be very close friends, before the shit storm.
"You told him everything, when we could have avoided all of this. We could have already signed the damn contract, but no, you had to do it your own way without even asking!" Sanji bursted, still trying to keep it down as much as he could.
"I couldn't have lived with myself if I didn't confess, Sanji!" Ace promptly replied, placing both palms on his own chest "The truth is bound to come out at some point, it's as inevitable as death! Would you rather Zoro found out much later? The consequences could have been a lot worse."
Sanji snorted "Worse than this shit?" he said as he gestured around the room "Worse than not being able to see the person I love the most on this earth for fucking ages? To have him hate my guts?"
"Sanji," Ace let out a long, drawn out sigh, head hanging for a moment before he could look Sanji in the eye again "would you have realized that you're in love with him, if all this shit hadn't happened?"
The anger dropped from Sanji's features, suddenly faded away from his whole body. His jaw dropped slightly, his eyes grew wider as his entire system froze.
No. The answer was simple. He probably wouldn't have. He would have continued living the same life, probably would have slept with countless more guys until the weird feelings he had for Zoro would have slowly disappeared in the midst of his self destruction.
He would have still had Zoro by his side, a Zoro that kept everything bottled up and would grow more and more tired of Sanji, to the point where whatever bound them together would probably pulverize and be swept away by the wind.
"Th-that's not the point, we–" Sanji tried to speak, but it was like concrete had been poured down his throat.
"We shouldn't have done it in the first place," Ace shrugged "but we did, and we need to deal with the consequences."
A tear escaped Sanji's control, but he quickly wiped it off with the palm of his hand "Yeah, you got a boyfriend and your brother back. I'm left with a fistful of fucking dust and the constant feeling of putting an end to my fucking pointless existence."
Ace's jaw tightened, then without thinking about it too much he took a step forward and held Sanji in his arms. Sanji froze up, his entire body stiffening, he was still trying to resist him, still trying to hold himself back together… But the reality was that he needed that more than he ever knew. He melted against Ace, his arms still hanging along his sides, but face burrowed on Ace's shoulder as he cried softly.
"Don't even try thinking about killing yourself, you idiot." Ace whispered as he rubbed soothing circles on Sanji's back "We all love you, you're gonna be fine, I promise. I promise, Sanji."
Sanji didn't say anything, he just stood there, motionless and completely overwhelmed by his emotions as Ace tried to comfort him. He was tired. So tired of fighting everyone, of keeping a distance, of staying angry and unforgiving. Being in Ace's arms was such an unexpected relief, especially in such a hard time. Quietly, Sanji returned the hug, in a silent way of giving up the fight and forgive Ace.
One step at a time. Maybe things were going to truly, yet slowly get better.
When they finally went back to the changing room, Luffy was grinning but didn't say anything. Sanji ignored it, but couldn't deny the fact that now that he and Ace were alright again he was feeling much better. It was another step in the right direction, and maybe Ace would have told Zoro about it… Put in a good word.
There were no signs of Bartolomeo, it wasn't exactly something that would upset Sanji, all the contrary, but maybe the situation between the two was definitely getting way out of hand. Sanji knew he should have stopped lashing out on Bartolomeo for every single syllable he uttered, but it was awfully hard. Still, in that very moment, he couldn't help but appreciate the fact that he had already gotten ready and left the room, it was a lot less stressful that way.
–
Getting ready completely absorbed Sanji's mind, he didn't have time to still grieve over Zoro not being there, he just thought about dressing up and baking his face. At one point he nearly brought his eyeliner all the way up to his ear, though, when the door of the changing room slammed open and someone shouted like a maniac:
"Sorry I'm late! I lost my way twice!"
"And I thought my brothers sucked." Ace commented with a head shake.
Sanji turned around in his seat to see who had nearly given him a heart attack, and saw Sabo grinning at him like an idiot. He had arrived, too, but there was no sign of Zoro. Sanji let out a small, defeated sigh. He was pretty disenchanted by that point, it hurt but it couldn't really upset him more than he already was.
"Man, you look amazing, Sanji! How are you?" Sabo cried out as he walked up to the singer in a few long strides.
Sanji smiled. He would have wanted to be happier to see Sabo, but it was impossible.
"Shut up," Sanji rolled his eyes and stood up to hug Sabo with just one hand, as he held his eyeliner brush in the other one "you're the one who looks fantastic. You must work out like crazy!" he commented.
He wasn't being fake, he truly meant what he said. He was genuinely glad to see Sabo after two long years, but his tone and expression couldn't betray what he felt deeper inside of him.
"It must run in the family." Sabo shrugged, his grin still wide across his face.
"You gotta get ready too, right?" Luffy jumped up. He was already all dressed up and ready to go on stage, with his smudged eyeliner, Stratovarious shirt, ripped black jeans and New Rock boots.
"Yes!" Sabo nodded as he turned to his youngest cousin. "If you still want me to." he added with a small tilt of the head.
Sanji's eyes squeezed into a thin slit, oblivious as to what could Sabo possibly mean. Was he supposed to play an instrument with them or something? Sanji truly didn't remember him being able to play the violin or anything else. Did he perhaps play the drums?
"I see you're…" Sabo's eyebrows drew together as he stared at Sanji "unconvinced?"
"I just…" Sanji blinked a few times as his eyes wandered from Sabo to Luffy, and then to Ace, unable to comprehend what was going on.
"Uh… In the group chat we all agreed that Sabo could do some pretty cool fire eating stunts while we play, remember?" Ace told Sanji, as if he was reminding him of something that they had talked about a ridiculous number of times.
"What?!" Sanji cried out, his eyes shot wide but his eyebrows furrowed ever so deeply. "When?!" he added, his hand automatically going to pat over the pocket of his jeans to fish out his phone and check for himself.
"Well… I think it was when Sanji wasn't really answering that much?" Luffy cut in with a quirked eyebrow.
"Oh..." Ace and Sabo said simultaneously.
Sanji's hand stopped. He couldn't find his phone, anyway. It was probably already stuffed inside his duffel bag, but he believed them nonetheless. He had been pretty distracted, it was true.
"I like it when you guys take decisions without my actual input, thank you!" Sanji said in a quirky, sarcastic tone.
Ace and Luffy exchanged a quiet glance, and a guilty one at that.
"If it's problem, I won't–" Sabo immediately said, only to be cut off by Sanji and his raised hand.
"No, Sabo. It's fine," Sanji shook his head as he looked at him "I have no problem with your participation. I've always thought that adding fire to a show would make everything cooler."
A small grin quickly spread on Sabo's face, he gave a small nod while Sanji spoke "I promise you won't regret it." he winked.
"We're truly sorry, Sanji." Luffy said, almost before Sabo could finish his own sentence.
"We know it's your call to make important decisions." Ace echoed right after.
Sanji turned back in his seat to face the mirror again "This wasn't anything too big," he said as he dipped the brush back into the small jar of gel eyeliner "so don't worry. But don't do it again."
No one really answered, but an uncomfortable silence settled over the room as they finished getting ready. It wasn't about being bossy, or about being the only one who had a say in the band, but it was about respecting the leader of the Crows. The only leader left. Sanji still found it hard to believe that they could still do things without even the smallest of words coming from him.
Roughly twenty minutes of silence in, when Sanji was well done with his entire face of makeup, he stood up with a sigh and looked at the guys who were all completely done with their preparations and were just all fiddling with their phones.
That wasn't the right atmosphere to go and kill it on stage, that was the exact atmosphere that surrounded Sanji 24/7 and he didn't want to inflict that on others. He couldn't let everyone feel low, they had to deliver a great performance for their fans and Sanji wouldn't have been the leader he claimed to be if he just ended up upsetting his band.
"Guys," Sanji started, and suddenly all three guys were staring up at him "I'm truly sorry for lashing out like a fucking idiot." he shook his head, letting his eyelids drop shut in the process "You didn't do anything wrong, I just… Overreact. It's because–" Sanji hesitated. He didn't want to sound weak or melodramatic, he didn't have to tell them what was the precise reason for his moodiness. "I haven't been feeling a hundred percent myself, lately," he shrugged "I hope you'll forgive me."
"Don't worry, man," Sabo was the first to sit back straight in his seat. The upper part of his face, a little further below the bridge of his nose and the underside of his chin and neck were completely painted black, while the rest of his face was painted white. He cracked a warm, sincere smile "I know what it's like to be constantly under pressure. Apology accepted."
"Yes, apology accepted," echoed Luffy right after, a grin spread widely across his childish features. "We know what you're going through."
"It's all good, Sanji," Ace smirked "but what you just did means a lot. Thank you."
Sanji felt like a boulder had just been lifted off his chest. Constantly being snappy and rude had always been part of him, not because he really meant to be horrible, it had always been his defense mechanism. That mechanism, though, had been part of what had set in motion the several events that had led to the shitty situation he was in.
He had slowly realized that people did care about him, they did love him for who he was and for how good of a singer he was. The crippling fears and doubts that had always entrapped him were starting to slide off, letting go of him. He needed to show those people that he cared for them, and loved them just as much.
Not everyone was an enemy. Not everyone was trying to get something out of him. His Crows were his family, and they were still there for him, for better or worse.
"Let me finish putting on my war gear, and we'll go blow this place up." Sanji smirked.
"Hell yes!" Luffy roared, as Ace and Sabo hollered as an excited response.
It had taken just a few words, a sincere apology, a genuine smile, and Sanji already felt warm inside, he was happier and calmer. He felt like his friends had his back, and that no matter what was going to happen out there, he wouldn't have been alone.
"We'll be right outside, yeah?" Sabo said as he carried what looked like a heavy bag, probably filled with torches and everything he needed for his part in the show.
"Sure, I'll be out in ten." Sanji said as he began to kick off his combat boots in order to shuffle out of his everyday clothes.
He watched the three guys swan out of the room, leaving him to wear his attire for the night. He already had his white contacts in, so he pulled on a pair of mesh stockings that he hooked to a frilly garter belt. He wore a simple black miniskirt, and a solid black bralette that formed a pentagram on his chest. High platform on his feet, an o-ring choker around his throat, and after throwing on a duster entirely made out of black tulle, he was ready to conquer the world.
Sanji looked at himself in the mirror and thoughts of making Zoro lose his mind made his lips curl in a small, melancholic smile. He looked fucking ravishing, and definitely like the Crow Prince that he was. He pushed the door of the changing room open and saw the guys from Freakshow speaking with the rest of the Crows.
"Holy fuck, Blackleg." Kidd commented as soon as he spotted Sanji.
"Well, shit." Law said right behind, a smirk tugging at the corner of his lips.
Sanji cracked a grin. He definitely hadn't lost his appeal. He had all eyes on him, and it was giving him the biggest rush of adrenaline.
"Hello boys." Sanji wriggled his fingers in greeting, without properly waving, and moved to stand between Sabo and Luffy.
"You're a vision, holy shit." Sabo said as he eyed Sanji up and down.
"I know." Sanji said casually as he adjusted the duster on his shoulders.
Sabo laughed at that, and Sanji could see the way in which Usopp's cheeks flushed red and how Ace had suddenly tensed up. There was no escaping how gorgeous he was, and all those reactions were feeding his ego and confidence.
"Where the hell did you get that bralette from? It's stunning!" Nami commented.
"Oh God, please do tell because I need one." Vivi echoed right beside her.
A small laugh left Sanji's lips as he slightly tipped his head back "Online, I'll text you the site." he winked.
"You came!" Ace suddenly cried out, as he had his back turned on everyone.
Sanji's heart stopped and a metallic taste settled on top of his tongue. He turned around to look into the same direction as Ace so quickly that he nearly lost his balance and toppled over.
"I keep my promises." a disembodied, unfamiliar voice came from the penumbra, only to reveal a face that Sanji didn't really know.
It wasn't Zoro.
Ace threw an arm around the tall, bulky frame of his boyfriend to press a kiss to his lips.
"Get a room!" Sabo, Franky and Luffy howled, making everyone else laugh.
A sharp pain pierced through Sanji's chest, leaving him breathless as he watched the couple being happily reunited. He looked away, trying too keep his eyes from watering and messing up his makeup. He took that as his final cue to give up hope.
"We shouldn't play Spit It Out." Sanji whispered, as he stepped closer to Nami.
The redhead turned to look at him with furrowed eyebrows "Yes, we will."
"There is no point." Sanji went on, keeping his voice down, while everyone was focused on Ace and Smoker.
Nami took Sanji's hand and squeezed it "Yes, there still is. Even if just for you, you owe it to yourself."
Sanji didn't say anything. Nami was probably right. Shamandalie had helped him, too. Spit It Out could have been just as therapeutic… Perhaps.
"You're up in five, guys," Bonney suddenly shouted at them "we'll finish getting ready. Good luck."
Sanji furrowed his eyebrows at the absence of Perona, but he figured she'd probably be in the front row for Murder Of Crows.
All of a sudden and seemingly spawning out of thin air, Bartolomeo walked past Sanji, ready to get on stage. Sanji bit his lower lip, that was his chance to keep making things right – or better at least – and after sucking in a very deep breath, the singer called out for him.
"W-what?" Bartolomeo asked, stopping in his tracks.
"Do a good job, alright?" Sanji said, awkwardly.
Bartolomeo stared at him for a few moments "Uh, sure."
Sanji nodded without adding anything else and gestured to a bewildered Bartolomeo to just get on stage.
That was as close as he could get to an apology. He needed to flush out all the negativity, even if he had a burning desire to murder Bartolomeo with the force of his kicks. He watched as Luffy went up the ladder right after Bartolomeo, but stopped on the highest step to turn around and gift Sanji with one of his biggest and brightest grins. Sanji couldn't help but return the smile, even if the nervousness of the moment had mixed with the bitterness of the realization that everyone had their special person there with them… And he was the only one on his own.
Ace followed right after, he gave Sanji a supposedly encouraging pat on the shoulder and a warm smile that Sanji sort of ignored, without giving any reaction in return. He turned to look at Smoker standing a foot away from Vivi – it was clear that the two weren't familiar with each other, and it somehow made Sanji feel slightly better.
A pair of arms came out of the blue to wrap around Sanji's neck, while he wasn't paying attention, and only when a pair of breasts were pressing against his own chest, and his face was blinded by a few orange strands of hair, he did realize that Nami was hugging him.
"Be great, Sanji," Nami whispered in his ear, making his face heat up all of a sudden "I expect nothing less. I'm right behind you and I got your back, alright?"
"Y-yes…" Sanji stuttered out, awkwardly.
Nami pulled back with a grin and proceeded to climb up on the unlit stage, silently taking position behind her synth.
A mantle of smoke slowly rose from the floor of the stage, hazing and concealing the band members that were already on their marks, as dim blue lights were switched on. The excitement of the crowd was palpable and audible, and that infused Sanji with that extra dose of courage and confidence that he was looking for.
"Sanji!"
The singer jumped in surprise, and turned to find Sabo standing beside him, a big smile spread across his painted face.
"Go get 'em, tiger!" Sabo continued with a wink "I'll be with you for the second song."
Sanji nodded, a weak smile accompanying his movement as he did. Sabo had really scared him as he was lost in thought, but at the same time he had appreciated the extra encouragement.
"See you in a bit." Sanji managed to say before finally making his way up the ladder, while the crowd chanted the band's name as they rhythmically clapped their hands.
His courage pervaded him altogether, at last, providing all the strength he needed to strut up the stage as the audience boomed in excitement and the lights turned white and clear. Sanji grabbed the mic stand and rose a hand to the ceiling.
"The Crows are coming to get you, Punk Hazard!" Sanji shouted into the microphone, unleashing the pure euphoria of their fans as the music began to play and Sanji started to immediately sway and dance to the beat.
Sanji was determined to deliver an amazing performance, no more halfhearted singing, no more holding back of any kind. His voice was like an explosion of talent and emotions, the music powerful and crushing. The audience was going absolutely ballistic as they jumped and screamed the lyrics at the top of their lungs.
That was what performing on a stage was, roughly a couple hours of raw emotions, the beauty of a message shared with the crowd, an unconditional love between the band and the fans. A concert is sweat, tears, at times bruises and blood, a concert is a burning throat, ringing ears and lost voice, for a million different beautiful reasons. Because you're still alive, because you want to stand up for something, because music can shake your very core and make you feel things that nothing else can.
Every person in the room had their own different story, their very own reason for either being upon the stage or for bouncing in front of it, yet everyone felt like one big family for a few hours. A place where you could feel like you finally belong somewhere, that there is actually a place in the world for every outcast, every broken heart, every lonely soul. A place where all hearts beat in unison, to the incredible rhythm of their favorite song, to the deepest emotion buried inside of each and every one of them.
The first song always sweeps you away, it threatens your heart to rip out of your chest, it makes your ribcage vibrate along with the beat of the drums. The first song always feels like the shortest one, exactly like the very last song, and just like always, The Crows Are Coming ended too quickly, but made everyone shout in pure joy.
"Good evening guys, how is everyone doing?" Sanji asked into the microphone, and everyone screamed back at him that they were doing great. Sanji's fruity laugh resonated through the venue "So am I, because I'm here with all of you."
More screaming, or rather shrieking. A couple of 'I love yous' came from the middle of the first two rows, where usually Sanji's fanclub stood immovable.
"I love you, too." Sanji purred into the microphone, and more shrieking pierced through the air.
"Isn't it a little early to kill fans off, Sanji?" Ace asked from his side.
"Yeah, maybe you're right." Sanji shrugged.
All the way in the back of the venue, a deep, low snigger went unheard by the rest of the people. The man was standing a few feet away from the rest of the crowd, a big hood covered the greatest part of his face. A much tinier boy stood besides him, big brown eyes shone in the darkness as he excitedly bounced on his heels, a huge grin plastered on his face as he stared at the stage, spellbound.
"Thank you so much for taking me here!" the boy cried out, looking adoringly at the man standing beside him.
"It was such a shame that you'd never seen the Crows live." the man smirked down at the boy.
"I know, I know! But I never thought I'd come see them with you!" the boy went on gushing, before he turned to look at the stage again.
"You can get closer if you wanna, don't mind me."
The boy looked back at the man, a hint of worry suddenly painting his delicate lineaments "Doesn't it hurt you to be here?"
The man shrugged, his features still perfectly hidden by the hood and the lack of illumination "Not really," he lifted his eyes back on the stage "it could have been much worse."
The boy nodded "Alright, I'll be back later!" he smiled and took off to try and find a way to squeeze through the crowd and get closer to the stage.
The man tried to watch the boy's movements into the crowd until he completely lost sight of him, then went back to focus on the stage.
"We have a guest with us, today, a very dear friend and part of our Crow family," Sanji explained "so give your warmest welcome to Sabo and his incredible fire eating skills, that will accompany our show!"
Sabo entered the stage shirtless, breathing fire and making everyone scream in excitement.
"Hopefully he won't set fire to the entire band," Ace commented "and venue." everyone laughed.
Sabo walked up to Ace's microphone only to make his answer audible to the entire audience "I'll do my best."
"Alright, alright… It's time for more music, boys, so behave." Sanji broke up the little banter "I think it's also time for a little story."
"It's Storytime." the man at the back of the venue whispered to himself, at the exact same time in which Sanji shouted it out. A lopsided smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth.
The music went on relentless and powerful, shrouded in flames. It was one of the most beautiful and spectacular performances that Murder Of Crows had ever delivered. The audience was ecstatic as they bounced, headbanged and sang their hearts out to the first four songs of the setlist. The band was impeccable, even Bartolomeo sounded better than usual, the success they had all collected up until that point was boosting everyone's confidence.
Sanji was truly feeling the atmosphere, he was deep into his character, lost and enraptured by the music. His throat burned slightly for the excess of nicotine from early that evening, yet it wasn't effecting his voice too badly, it was still warm and rich, hitting high notes the way it was supposed to.
And so it kept going, as minutes spilled over, one song left place to the other. There were less covers this time, the band had opted to play the majority of their original creations. Unusual, but it was most definitely time for it to happen, especially if they were aiming to sing that damn contract, at one point. They were halfway through Blood On The Snow when a feeling of uneasiness settled over Sanji like a suffocating blanket.
There was no shaking it off, the second to last song was going to be Spit It Out and Sanji was dreading that moment like a public execution. Switching one song with another random cover wouldn't have messed up the setlist or the show in the slightest, after all. It could have been done, they were going to get off the stage in any case, so he could just hurriedly inform everyone of the change and then go back to the stage like nothing had happened. No one would have really known.
Arguing with himself while trying not to mess up or forget song lyrics was one awful and hard job, so he didn't really have much time to wrack his brains over it, but the rest of his body reacted to it all the same. Sanji stopped moving as much as he usually did, he became more static and less emphatic. The theatrical song was definitely suffering from it, because Brook's violin wasn't there either, but Sabo's fire eating fortunately caught more attention than the slight faults in Sanji's performance.
The song ended, the music stopped and Sanji's head became louder than the uproar of the audience. Usopp and Franky killed the lights and any background sound, cueing the band to quickly make their way down the stage. Sanji approached Nami right away, they still hadn't even climbed down the ladder when he bumped his shoulder against hers.
"I can't do it, let's play something else." Sanji said quickly and bluntly, his tone low enough to only let Nami hear.
The young woman furrowed her eyebrows and shot him a glare in the penumbra "Don't give me this crap, Sanji. We talked about this, already."
Sanji shrugged "I know, but I just really can't do it. He's not even here, there's no damn point!"
Nami pushed Sanji aside and away from the ladder as soon as they touched the backstage floor "You owe this to yourself, Sanji. You sang Shamandalie, already," she repeated for the umpteenth time as she searched for Sanji's vacant eyes "you are going to kill it out there, people absolutely love it when you pour your heart out!"
Sanji's eyes kept wandering away from Nami's severe gaze. She was right and he knew it, but the need to stay in his comfort zone was stronger than any kind of reason.
"Look at me, Sanji," Nami called him out, firmly "look at me, because I know how strong you really are. You can do this."
Sanji stared at her reluctantly, jaw tightened, teeth grinding together. He truly didn't know why Nami would insist the way she was, singing to a crowd while Zoro wasn't around wouldn't have done him any good. Why would he have to do that for himself? He knew perfectly what he was going through, he certainly didn't need a reminder.
"There's no fucking point, doing it for me is useless. I know how I feel way too precisely." Sanji snarled through gritted teeth.
"Oh God," Nami groaned, rolling her eyes "when you sang Shamandalie you made people cry, not because you're their favorite singer, but because your emotions poured right into their hearts. How often has this happened?" she asked, spreading her arms.
Sanji lowered his eyes. She was right. He couldn't deny that. Something magical had happened the night he had sung Shamandalie. He had created the rawest and most intimate connection with his fans and he hadn't really realized it. He had just seen himself as the idiot who had cried in front of an audience, but he had made everyone else cry, too. Sanji still couldn't give himself the credits he truly deserved, because he kept feeling inadequate… Even when everyone told him the contrary.
The rest of the band was starting to be worried by the fact that both Sanji and Nami were still there instead of being back on stage.
"Uh… Guys?" Ace called out in a questioning tone.
Sanji shot him a glare, and Nami lifted her hand without breaking eye contact with Sanji.
"Not now Ace, we gotta be quick." Nami answered.
"Yeah… That's what I was gonna suggest." Ace muttered to himself.
"Alright…" Sanji murmured, eyes still not crossing with Nami's.
"I'm sorry, I can't hear you." Nami said as she crossed her arms on her chest.
Christ, why did she have to be like that?
"Alright, let's do it." Sanji repeated, this time slightly louder and adding more words to the first one.
"Then let's fucking make people bawl their eyes out." Nami grinned.
Sanji rolled his eyes and shook his head, the hint of a smile curling his lips as she patted his arm and quickly went up the ladder. He hesitated once again, his mind kept trying to find excuses and ways to wriggle free of the situation, when in the end the only thing to do was go up that goddamned stage and sing that god forsaken song.
–
The man in the back was still watching in the darkness, concealing himself as much as he could. His right foot tapping on the floor in sync with the music, along with the almost imperceptible way in which his head was rhythmically nodding. He was tense though, as if anticipating something that could shake him from the inside, yet he wasn't running away, he was standing still on the spot, eyes glued to the stage. No one could have ever spotted him from a distance, especially not during the performance. Everyone was too enthralled in the hype of the moment.
The man furrowed his eyebrows as he tried to make out something, anything, from the back of the room, but only when a blue light began to shine he could see Sanji behind his mic stand and Nami by her keyboards. It was just the two of them, looking down as a slightly familiar tune began playing as an introduction to their last song of the show. Or at least, given the time, it was safe to assume it was either the last or second to last one.
The realization settled on him slowly, yet suddenly, like raindrops starting to unexpectedly soak the hood that was hiding his green mohawk and concealing his features. His heart began to hammer so fast and hard in his chest that he could hear it beat into his ears, like strikes on a tom. Sanji was holding onto the microphone, head lowered as he ever so gently nodded his head to Nami's keyboards, and when his voice began resonating through the venue, a chill jolted down Zoro's spine.
His eyes widened. He couldn't believe his ears, couldn't believe his eyes. If he thought that Sanji singing Shamandalie was the deepest he could go, he truly didn't know how much things had changed. How much Sanji had evolved, or at least reverted back to the person he used to be. The person that had been scraped off by the roughness of life, a long while ago.
"And if you're hurting
I will replace the noise with silence instead
Flushing out your head
If you like it violent
We can play rough and tumble
Fall into bed
And I won't breathe so you can recover"
Zoro's eyes fell shut for a moment as the lyrics sunk inside of him. They were in every pore of his skin, in every cell, in every bone. It was hard to believe that those words didn't come directly from Sanji's mind, because knowing him as well as Zoro did, he could have seriously thought they were all his. Then again, Zoro perfectly knew how big of a connection Sanji felt with Chris Corner, so it wouldn't have really been absurd to think that those could have been Sanji's words.
He couldn't help the images in his head as Sanji's warm voice sung about tumbling into a bed. Zoro recalled those times in which their bodies had been pressed flush together, the way in which their lips locked together like they belonged against each other. The taste of Sanji's tongue, the bitterness of the tobacco mixed with the excessive sweetness of strawberry vodka. Sanji's arms around his neck, his own fingers buried into Sanji's golden, silky hair.
A shiver ran down Zoro's spine. Time didn't stop, the music was going on.
"When you're in pieces
Just follow the echo of my voice
It's okay
Tune into that frequency"
And Zoro did. Letting Sanji's voice enrapture him completely, and all the memories he had recalled a few moments before were back full force. Zoro could nearly feel Sanji's breath against his skin, his hands on his neck, fingernails scraping at the tender flesh.
"Don't fight your reflex
Embrace the instinct
You can feel your way
Through the burden we face in the end"
He had held back oh so many times, not just lately, but in the past, too. There had been so many occasions in which Zoro could have just yanked that stupid blond against him to kiss the life out of him, but he never could. He still couldn't tell if all those missed opportunities had been something to regret. Zoro firmly believed that Sanji wouldn't have been ready to have all of his best friend's feeling dumped on him. Sanji had built himself in a way that rendered him allergic to everything even remotely romantic, Zoro knew that back in the day Sanji would have ran like the devil, miles away from him.
"Cause it breaks my heart
That we live this way
I know people need love
Them people never play the game
And we talk the talk
We communicate
Them people need love
Those people never play the game"
Zoro couldn't see Sanji's expression from all the way to the back, but he could hear the pain lacing his voice, dripping from the high notes he held. It was the most heartbreaking thing of all… That they lived that way. Forced to be apart for all the cowardice, the misunderstandings, the spite, and all the mistakes that had piled up through time. All the things left unsaid, when all they had ever needed was love, indeed.
It wasn't easy. Nothing had ever been between them. Such peculiar, strong personalities would clash all the time, especially when they were meant to spend a large amount of time together. But Zoro enjoyed even the fights, until the moment in which a line was crossed. Those moments in which something excessively cruel would slip Sanji's control, and Zoro had to take a break from him.
Zoro could only hope that coming clean, forgiving and settling all of that mess would make things easier.
"Pleasure for pleasure
It eases consequence
And love for a fall
But I know you love to take a risk
The past is weakness
Don't beg the question when the answer is war
There are moments when I'm overcome"
Zoro tipped his head back, there were tears pricking and burning at the corners of his eyes that he refused to spill. Sanji was crying, it was imperceptible, but not to Zoro's knowing ears. He had heard Sanji cry in so many different ways and so many times, that he could have known even if he were to lose ninety percent of his hearing.
Sanji was crying and no matter how hard he tried to hold it back, now Zoro was crying too, quietly and without letting anyone even know of his presence. Wasn't it true that Zoro shouldn't have pushed for answers, when those answers did in fact escalate into a full blown war? Yet living a lie, in complete denial would have caused things to rupture to the point they would have been too damaged to fix.
Order comes out of chaos, after all. Maybe to make things actually work between the two of them they had to completely break before. A fracture, or a wound that took long enough to heal for Zoro and Sanji to grow stronger and wiser, to change some of their perspective. At least that was what had happened to Zoro, and to some degree Zoro was sure that it had happened to Sanji as well.
"Cause it breaks my heart
That we live this way
I know people need love
Cause them people never play the game
And we talk the talk
We communicate
Them people need love
Those people never play the game
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
People need love"
The song ended and Sanji's voice faded into the darkness of the venue, beautiful and filled with agony. It was something so genuine that Zoro's skin rose into goose flesh with the uncontrollable flow of emotions.
A grin tugged at the corners of his lips, he watched as Sanji brought both hands to his face, overwhelmed by the roaring and the explosive applause that he was met with at the end of the song. He saw him shake his head and take a deep bow before clapping his hands to his public.
Zoro didn't know that he could ever in his life feel his heart almost overflow with love and pride, but that was the exact way to convey how he felt in that moment. He was so incredibly proud of Sanji, he didn't think he could ever put it into words.
He rubbed a fist against both his eyes, drying them off as he listened to Nami claiming that she was incredibly sorry but that was going to be the last song for the night. Zoro knew that Sanji was probably too worn out by the emotional performance he had just given, so it would have been only fair to end the show there.
The rest of the band swarmed back on stage as they waved, greeted by the screaming of the crowd. They all hugged Sanji, who was standing at the center of the stage, even Bartolomeo, then proceeded to form a line and bow to the public, blowing kisses and throwing extra guitar and bass picks to the sea of raised, demanding hands.
Zoro's hands were hurting from how hard and for how long he had been clapping, his upper teeth sinking into his lower lip. Everyone had been great, everyone had been a beast on stage, even Barto had given a great performance and he was feeling a little jealous. He missed hanging out with the band, missed being scolded by Nami during practice, the rush of adrenaline that coursed through his veins while he stepped on a stage. Everything good in his life was missing, and it was like having an amputated limb that he just couldn't get used to not having.
Zoro felt a tap on his arm and when he looked down with a scowl, he was met by Chopper's gigantic grin. How was the boy so ridiculously short he didn't know, but Zoro found it somewhat endearing, just like everything else about him. Yes, even if he could come across as a little weird, at first.
"I'm so happy! This was so amazing, Zoro!" the boy exclaimed excitedly, jumping up and down as he faced the stage once again.
"I'm glad you liked it." Zoro spoke directly into Chopper's ear, trying to be heard from over the shouting and the loud music.
Chopper turned around to reply into Zoro's ear as well "I hope next time you'll be on stage with them."
A smirk tugged at the corner of Zoro's lips as he gave a curt nod "I'd love to, if they'll have me."
Chopper let out a loud yelp, that still couldn't surpass the noise of the venue, and Zoro laughed at his reaction.
"I gotta go for a while, now. Enjoy Freakshow, alright?" Zoro cocked an eyebrow.
Chopper nodded vigorously "Yes, yes! I'll get myself a coke and check out the merchandise!"
"Alright! I'll introduce you to the guys later, yeah?" Zoro asked, still practically shouting into Chopper's ears. He hated shouting over music and loud crowds, but it was his only way to be heard.
Chopper let out a series of incoherent shrieks of both joy and surprise that were once again drown by the racket. Even if he couldn't hear them properly, Zoro still laughed at the comical reaction.
"Don't die, I'll see you in a bit." Zoro winked at him, then made his way to the exit of the venue in a hurry.
–
"I'm sorry we couldn't do one last song, but–" Sanji shook his head as he quickly climbed down the stage ladder. He massaged his tense neck, pressing his fingers into the knotted muscles, he was going to need one hell of a scalding shower after the show.
"Shut up, it's alright! We know you're drained after Spit It Out." Nami shook her head and rolled her eyes, then started to try and fix the smudges below Sanji's eyes with her fingers.
Sanji furrowed his eyebrows slightly at Nami's attention, but smirked a moment later. She wasn't exactly the mother hen type, but he figured that she had probably started thinking of him as a son or something. He had whined and vented to her that much.
"Your voice is fuckin' incredible, Sanji. These goosebumps won't leave my skin!" Sabo cried as he shoved his arm almost into Sanji's face, so that he could see the tiny bumps on his flesh.
"Oh my God," Sanji pursed his lips, wanting to just cover his face with both hands but having Nami still touching up his face. He needed to invest in waterproof makeup.
"Sanji, I'm so proud of you!" Luffy shouted as he jumped from the ladder to Sanji's back, almost making him tumble over Nami.
"What the fuck, Luffy?!" Nami barked, then huffed as she stepped away from Sanji.
Vivi was chuckling at the whole scene right before stepping into the picture with a towel and a bottle of sparkling water for her girlfriend, who sighed out a thank you and pecked at her lips.
"Shit!" Sanji yelped once Luffy landed on him. "You're nuts!" Sanji shook his head as he laughed.
Luffy always needed to take everything to the next level of crazy, but Sanji loved him exactly for this aspect of his. He felt incredibly grateful that things were back to being okay with him, Sanji couldn't have bore with Luffy's looks of disappointment any longer.
"Seriously Sanji," Ace chimed in, making Sanji gasp softly "you were amazing." he smirked, arching an eyebrow.
Sanji nearly melted to the floor, not because of how gorgeous Ace obviously looked, but because of how much he had missed that kind of interaction. He had been so angry at Ace, for all that time, that he hadn't realized how much he had missed his friend.
Sanji seriously felt like he was going to explode from all the gratitude that was piling up inside of him, filling him to the brink. There was only one thing that could have made it perfect, but it was too late to obtain it now. He could definitely settle for what he had at the moment, it made his heart swell and his chest felt so light.
"Thank you, all of you." Sanji nodded in genuine gratitude, then turned his head enough to catch a glimpse of Luffy still riding his back "Please Luffy, get down."
"Oh! Right!" Luffy sniggered as he got off Sanji's back. "Barto, let's go help Usopp and Franky with all the stuff we left on stage!"
"Sure! I'm coming!" Bartolomeo said as he promptly moved to follow Luffy, but stopped in front of Sanji. He looked uneasy, chewing his lower lip as if he wanted to say something but was too scared of opening his mouth.
Sanji couldn't really blame such behavior, since he was always ready to chew him up and spit it out at any given moment.
"Hm?" Sanji arched an eyebrow as he watched Bartolomeo turn the deepest shade of red.
"You sing like a god. I actually cried listening to you." Bartolomeo admitted with a nod, then let out a nervous chuckle and ran after Luffy.
Sanji was left stunned, rooted to the spot. He didn't even have the strength to turn around and watch as Bartolomeo ran back on the stage. He wasn't expecting that from Bartolomeo, especially not after how awful he had always treated him, but it had hit him harder than any other compliment. After all... wasn't Bartolomeo one of their biggest fans?
"I need a smoke." Sanji announced as he quickly disappeared into the locker room to pick up his faux fur coat and his pack of smokes with very shaky hands.
–
The emotions he had felt on that stage had left him utterly powerless, and the compliments received from his friends had been the coup de grace for his poor little black heart. Sanji made his way to the back door of the venue to light up his cigarette and smoke in peace, while his brain couldn't shut up about his performance.
If Shamandalie was the story of Sanji and Zoro as kids, the best friends who had developed feelings that went past friendship, Spit It Out was an actual declaration of love. It was the deepest part of Sanji's heart and soul coming out and laying at the feet of the man he loved more than anything and anyone else in the world. It was everything Sanji would have been willing to do for Zoro, it was Sanji stripping from his armor and standing naked with a gush on his chest and his bleeding and beating heart in his hands. And he had allowed everyone to see it.
Nami had been right all along, as usual. Singing Spit It Out was something he truly owed to himself. It felt like the natural step forward, after exposing himself and his shame in front of everyone with Shamandalie, it had been only fair to wear his heart upon his sleeve with Spit It Out. The audience had felt it once again, this time probably even more intensely, because it wasn't just sadness that spilled from Sanji's lungs, it was the raw love he felt for Zoro, and there is nothing quite as powerful. Or so they say.
That was why Sanji felt so immeasurably exhausted, and the nicotine entering his lungs felt like a blessing to his agitated heart. He leaned back against the wall, right foot pressed against the dirty bricks as he tipped his head back and exhaled melancholic coils of smoke into the infinity of the black night sky.
He still wished with all of himself that Zoro would have been there to listen to him – he could see the Marimo's stupid face every time he closed his eyes, anyway. He had sang his heart out as if Zoro was really there to listen to his declaration, to know how much he truly loved him, and it killed him that he hadn't been there to witness it. Maybe it would have made things better, maybe it couldn't have patched up their broken hearts or fixed the cracks in their relationship, but at least Zoro would have known how Sanji felt.
"I thought you didn't sing sappy love songs."
What the fuck was that? Auditory hallucinations?
Sanji was petrified. His eyes grew impossibly wide as he still stared ahead of him, his lungs ceased to function and his heart stopped pumping for an interminable handful of moments. All the blood in his limbs felt completely drained and a thin layer of sweat began to cover his neck and brow.
It couldn't have really been him, it was ridiculous. It was simply impossible. Sanji was clearly going insane.
He let his foot stomp back onto the concrete, and his fingers let the cigarette slip from his loose grip. Sanji turned slowly to his right, from where the gravelly disembodied voice had come from… And there he was. Standing in the dim yellow glow of a street lamp, hands shoved into the pockets of his jacket, a shit-eating grin plastered on his face, the green mohawk sat disheveled on top of his stupid head like an unkempt bush.
Sanji shook his head slowly, way too convinced that he was clearly hallucinating. He had definitely passed out and was now stuck in the silliest of dreams. It couldn't be reality, Sanji knew that Zoro hadn't come, he had come to terms with it and reluctantly accepted it no matter the pain it caused. Zoro couldn't just be standing there like nothing had happened, like Sanji's heart and stomach hadn't been turned into mush by anxiety and anguish.
The singer was so incredulous that when he started breathing again, his chest and lungs hurt with the pressure of his state of shock. Sanji thought he was going to die for a moment, or rather, he was growing more and more sure that in fact he had already died, and his personal limbo was being stuck in a reality where Zoro would stand right before his eyes but he could never reach him.
Sanji had no idea how to react, shock had totally hazed his mind. His heart rate was increasing by the second, his breathing was ragged, irregular and harsh. There was a tingling in his fingers that should have alarmed him, but his legs were starting to feel so sore that he nearly collapsed on his haunches.
"What the fuck?!" Sanji managed to shriek out, tears starting to flow uncontrollably from his eyes. He had to clutch at his chest, sinking his own nails so deep into the fake fur that he thought he could just tear it up to claw his heart out.
Was it a panic attack? Maybe. A stroke? That was a possibility, but Sanji didn't have the brain functions to make a self diagnosis and try to somehow avoid whatever was happening to him.
He was overwhelmed by his emotions, he was shocked, panicked and angry, all at the same time, and his body was responding to such wave of clashing feelings by self destroying. Or at least that was what Sanji thought.
"I didn't say I wouldn't come, did I? I said I had to think about it." Zoro said with a shrug.
Sanji gasped, or rather let out a strangled moan. Zoro had just answered him, he couldn't possibly be a vision, nor a dream, everything Sanji was going through felt way too real. He didn't like the calm and cockiness that was radiating from Zoro, it was very like him, but in that moment Sanji would have liked more compassion, or at least a much less detached attitude.
"You're a fucking asshole! I'm going to fucking rip your head off!" Sanji barked out at the top of his lungs, feeling his throat burn. "I can't believe you–" a sob broke Sanji's voice completely, and he couldn't keep on speaking any longer. He could only cry, cry from the weird mixture of anger and relief.
Zoro had witness the entire performance of Spit It Out, he had witnessed everything that had happened on stage. He had seen Sanji spill out his feelings in front of everyone, just like Sanji had fantasized. It was hard to believe, but it was so very true.
"You wish you could." Zoro teased, his grin turning even more mischievous.
"Don't you fucking test me, you shitty moss headed bastard!" Sanji kept shouting, his voice turning hoarse with effort.
"Never in my life I thought I could be so happy to hear you insult me." Zoro huffed with laughter as he shook his head.
"Oh, fuck off!" Sanji cried out, shaking his head as well.
"Come here, you fucker." Zoro slipped his hands out of his pockets and spread out his arms, inviting Sanji to run right into them.
That was all it took for Sanji to launch himself at Zoro and jump on him, while the other man was quick enough to catch him in his arms and hold him tight above the ground. Sanji wrapped his legs around Zoro's waist and took his green head between his hands, as he felt Zoro's arms firmly looped around him to keep him in place. He stared into Zoro's dark eyes and saw that all the cockiness was gone and the warmest light was shining just for Sanji.
"Will you try to snap my neck?" Zoro asked, a sharp eyebrow shooting upwards.
"I very well could," Sanji nodded. He still couldn't believe he was feeling Zoro's skin underneath his palms and Zoro's arms around his waist "but I'll spare you, just this once."
Zoro's lips stretched into a smile as he bit his bottom lip "You sappy little shit, I can't believe you sang Spit It Out for me."
Sanji's eyes widened and he let go of Zoro's face to punch him in the shoulder, blushing violently "Fuck you! It's all your fault if I turned into a mushy piece of shit!" he sort of mumbled the latter part of his answer.
It was still somewhat embarrassing to admit he was indeed in love with the idiot algae he was holding onto. Not to mention how infuriatingly gorgeous he looked as he stared up at him like he was the most amazing starry sky.
"Shut up." Zoro sniggered as one of his hands moved up to sink into Sanji's damp golden hair, pulling him in to seal their lips together.
Sanji whimpered against Zoro's lips, he had missed that feeling so much that he wanted to start crying all over again. His hands slid back up to cup Zoro's cheeks, gently but firmly, as if he was afraid he could vanish the moment he opened his eyes again. Sanji melted into the kiss, parting his lips just enough to welcome Zoro's tongue inside his mouth.
They kissed desperately and breathless for what seemed like an eternity, gripping one onto the other for dear life, trying to pull one another as close as possible. The world that was surrounding them didn't exist anymore, time was meaningless, everything else was futile as they stood against the darkness together for the first time in what felt like forever.
Eventually Sanji reluctantly pulled back with a pained groan, in need of air. Black lipstick was smudged all over his chin and right below his nose as he panted and laughed at the makeup he had transferred to Zoro's face.
"What?" Zoro furrowed his eyebrows, but wasn't able to stop smiling "The fuck are you laughing at?" he insisted.
Sanji shook his head "You've got all the lipstick I put on tonight, all over your face!" he laughed, crystalline and carefree for the first time in ages. He felt inebriated with bliss.
"Well, that's because you need a kissproof lipstick. It's all over your face, too." Zoro rolled his eyes, then waited for Sanji to be done pissing himself laughing.
The blond burrowed his face into the crook of Zoro's neck, inhaling his scent and instantly feeling like he had found his way back home after a long, perilous journey. Now that he was in Zoro's arms he couldn't help but wondering how he had survived without him up until that moment.
"You're really here?" Sanji asked, his voice brittle against Zoro's skin.
"I really am." Zoro nodded, carding his fingers through Sanji's hair.
"You're not gonna disappear again, are you?" Sanji went on, a shiver ran down his spine as he felt Zoro's touch.
"I promise I won't, I'm here to stay." Zoro reassured him in a low, soothing voice.
Sanji reared back to look into Zoro's eyes, and in that very moment he felt like all the wounds in his heart were suddenly healing up, and a comfortable warmth settled into his chest.
"You forgive me?" Sanji asked. He had assumed he had been forgiven already, but he needed to make sure.
Zoro cracked his trademark crooked smirk, he probably found Sanji's question amusing "I do."
"I'm sorry I was an asshole." Sanji went on despite the answer. He was probably going to need an irrational and uncountable amount of reassuring.
"I know," Zoro nodded "you really are."
"Hey! Don't be a shit, now!" Sanji furrowed his eyebrows. It was only alright if he said that to himself.
Zoro let out another laugh as he threw his head back, and it was quickly becoming Sanji's favorite sound and sight. He could barely believe how cheesy he was feeling, just a while ago he would have made himself gag.
"C'mon let me down, I feel like an idiot!" Sanji protested, just to feel less cheesy. He could feel his cheeks burn no matter how cold it was out there.
Zoro obliged without a word, putting him back down on his feet. Sanji dried the tears that were still resting on his cheeks, he didn't even want to know how gross he probably looked.
"Hey, Cook." Zoro called him out.
"Huh?" Sanji raised his eyebrows as he kept trying to blindly fix whatever makeup was left on his face.
"I love you." Zoro said, making it sound like the most natural and obvious thing in the world.
Sanji felt a tug to his heart, and tears started pooling all over again at the corner of his eyes, as if a dam had been opened.
"Fuck, I just finished crying!" Sanji whined as he looked up at the sky for a moment, in the idle attempt to suck his tears back. His heart was hammering into his chest once again. He looked back at the smug looking moss-head in front of him and sucked in a deep breath. It was finally time "I love too. A stupid amount." he admitted, at last.
"Shit…" Zoro breathed out, instantly dropping his head.
Was he… Crying?
"Zoro?" Sanji arched an eyebrow as he gently grabbed Zoro's chin to raise his head again, and when Zoro finally did look back up at him, Sanji could see his teary eyes just for a moment because he was kissing him all over again.
Sanji melted into the touch of Zoro's hands cupping his cheeks all over again, the kiss was deep and rough with all the need to be together, feel together. There wasn't hunger for something more, only the joy of being reunited after everything they had been through. The sheer happiness of being into each other's arms.
Sanji gripped at Zoro's shoulders, holding onto them for dear life until he brought one of his hands up to card through Zoro's hair. He didn't know if he needed to breathe anymore, he felt like kissing Zoro would have been the only way to stay alive in that moment. So they kept kissing and kissing. Salt and nicotine, lipstick and the little blood that spilled from a chapped, ripped lip. The sound of ragged breaths and soft moans. Sanji couldn't recall a more perfect moment in his entire life.
"F-fuck…" Zoro growled out as he pulled back, gasping for air. He rested his forehead against Sanji's, his eyes fell shut as he tried to even out his breathing.
Sanji licked his lower lip, tasting the blood coming out of the little cut that Zoro's teeth opened. "I thought you could hold your breath for much longer." Sanji panted out teasingly, a small smirk pulling at his lips as his eyelids dropped shut too.
He felt content, fulfilled. He knew his once pretty makeup had probably smeared into corpse paint, but couldn't care less. He focused on Zoro's breath against his own lips and on the way his hands rested with a soft grip on his hips. Exactly where they belonged.
Zoro huffed and pulled back only to softly headbutt Sanji "Shut the fuck up."
"Ow!" Sanji moaned softly, his eyebrows knitted together "You fucking idiot."
Zoro sniggered softly, a shit-eating grin slowly spread on his lips, making Sanji frown even more.
"The hell are you grinning at?" Sanji inquired, a hint of amusement audible in his voice. Just seeing that moss-head's grin infected him with an uncontrollable urge to smile himself.
"You said you love me." Zoro singsonged.
"Oh my fucking God." Sanji rolled his eyes as his cheeks flushed violently.
There it was. Now Zoro was probably going to harass him endlessly for being sincere and open for once. He was probably going to print out posters and sell them as band merch, maybe he'd plaster the city with them as well. If Sanji wasn't so happy to finally be reunited with Zoro, he would have most likely kicked his face in.
"Let me relish this glorious moment, Mr Crow Prince. I deserve it." Zoro cocked an eyebrow as he tugged Sanji closer to him.
"No, fuck off! Don't embarrass me!" Sanji sneered as he dodged Zoro's kiss by burrowing his face into the crook of his neck.
His face felt literally on fire. He couldn't quite wrap his head around what had just happened, still. Sanji had finally been able to confess his feelings for Zoro, and Zoro had finally spat it out, too. He was in Zoro's arms, no matter the teasing, Sanji was exactly where he belonged and he couldn't even quantify his happiness.
Take that, Bartolomeo!
The thought made him grin against Zoro's neck. Now he really wondered what that little shit was going to do about the news. What exactly would have been the news, anyway? Sanji wasn't an expert on relationships, but he assumed that they probably were a couple, now?
Gross.
But then again, if he thought about how good it felt to be kissed and cuddled by Zoro… That was the very opposite of gross.
"Do you wanna come to my place, later?" Zoro asked softly, his lips pressing softly against Sanji's hair.
Sanji's brain stopped wandering and fantasizing at those words. The blond reared back to look into Zoro's eyes, his eyebrows drawn together in what could only be read as fear or concern. Something deep inside of him made a mild panic surge from the abyss of his mind.
So many things crowded his head all at once, making it really hard for Sanji to think straight, or to just take the request as a normal invitation. The word slut resonated in his ears, Bellamy leering over him and offering him money in exchange of sex flashed before his eyes. The nightmares, the memories, the abuse he had forgotten about. He knew Zoro would have never hurt him, he knew he wouldn't have waited for so long just to get into bed with him. He had had plenty of occasions for that.
Yet Sanji didn't want Zoro to be like all the others, he didn't want to kiss and just automatically jump into a backseat, pop into a stall or whatever. Sanji knew that what he felt for Zoro was real and that sleeping with him would have held a deeper meaning… But it was really hard for him to separate things, in that very moment. What Sanji finally had was something special, something more valuable than any riches, any record contract and any other materialistic possession. He wasn't going to taint it, nor let it slip through his fingers.
Sanji hadn't realized for how long he had been staring at Zoro, long after the drummer had posed the question, and it was apparently starting to worry him.
"You alright?" Zoro scowled, squinting for a brief moment at the bizarre reaction of the singer.
"I-I…" Sanji started, his cheeks were probably going to melt off at some point, if they kept igniting like a damned griddle. He was trying to collect the best words to convey his thoughts, but in that moment his mind had short-circuited.
"If you don't wanna come over, that's fine." Zoro went on, his expression unaltered as he was probably still trying to figure out what went wrong.
"I do!" Sanji finally sputtered. Of course he wanted to go to Zoro's, his every fiber longed to be as close as humanly possible to him. It was what could have come afterwards that irrationally frightened him.
"What is it then?" Zoro kept pressing, he was visibly growing more concerned by the moment.
"Shit! This is so embarrassing!" Sanji whined as he tried to sink into his coat to hide from Zoro's gaze.
He couldn't believe the ridiculous turmoil inside of him, he felt like a teenager all over again. Sanji hadn't been awkward about sex in such a long time, he was sort of ashamed of himself.
"Sanji, what the fuck is going on?" Zoro insisted, his tone was still concerned but definitely laced with a tiny bit of exasperation.
"I don't wanna do it, okay?" Sanji finally groaned out, eyes screwed shut in an idle attempt to fend off his shame.
"What the fuck…" Zoro repeated, almost in a whisper.
Sanji opened his eyes again, only to see Zoro's trademark stern scowl glowering at him. Panic pervaded Sanji as soon as he saw that expression, his fear of having fucked everything up immediately devouring him.
"L-look, this is stupid, I-I'm sorry, but–" Sanji tried to somehow take back what he had confessed, but Zoro pressed his hand against his mouth to cut him off.
"Shut up for a second!" Zoro growled in annoyance "I only asked you to come sleep over, like we always did." even in the dim light Sanji could see red tinting Zoro's cheeks.
Sanji's eyes grew wider as he heard those words. He felt so damn stupid. Zoro had never really forced him to do anything, he had always been the one who stopped Sanji before he could do anything they would have both regretted. Slowly, Zoro dropped his hand from Sanji's mouth, allowing him to speak again.
"You… Probably have black all over your palm." was all Sanji was able to say as he looked down at his feet, embarrassed.
Ah, yes. Dodging the subject. Sanji could have won gold at the Olympics for that specialty.
Zoro snorted, his cheeks a slightly paler shade of crimson "I have black lipstick and foundation everywhere, for that matter."
"I'm sorry, I'm so fucking stupid." Sanji sighed, lifting his eyes back on Zoro. His expression was still stern, but definitely more relaxed. "I just…" he paused, thinking his words through.
Suddenly a metaphorical light bulb lit up by the side of Sanji's head as an idea popped up in his mind. It was going to sound completely stupid, especially because it didn't suit Sanji at all, but he had ultimately stepped way out of his comfort zone, so... Why not take it to the next level?
"You should take me out to dinner, first." Sanji announced, resolute.
Yes. That's was what would have made Sanji feel more at ease. Something closer to normalcy. A nice date with Zoro would have definitely put some of Sanji's fears at ease.
"Y-you mean like a date?" Zoro asked, his voice sounding comically higher than normal.
"Yes," Sanji gave a curt nod, ignoring Zoro's high pitch "let's go on a date. I wanna do that."
Zoro blinked as he stared at Sanji in utter bewilderment. Sanji arched an eyebrow at Zoro's lack of reaction. As odd of a request it might have sounded, coming from Sanji, he wanted things with Zoro to be different. Because Zoro had always been the great exception. Zoro was the only exception. Things with Zoro were supposed to be special.
"What? Don't I deserve it?" Sanji began, arms folding across his chest. "I don't deserve to go on a date?" he repeated, to make his point even clearer.
"I didn't say that!" Zoro exclaimed, defensive.
"Well, you did think it, though." Sanji scoffed, he was starting to grow frustrated by the second.
Why did Zoro have to ruin it? That was rude.
"What?!" Zoro cried out. "Holy shit, Sanji. I didn't say or do anything! I was just surprised you'd ask to go on a date," he shrugged, puzzlement still plastered on his features "that's all."
Sanji didn't know whether his face had ever stopped being a dark shade of pink, because he had technically never stopped blushing. Or at least that's how it felt, as warmth had concentrated to his cheekbones and ears.
"Isn't that what normal couples do?" Sanji shrugged, his eyes unable to stay locked with Zoro's in the embarrassment of the moment.
His gaze dropped to the concrete as he shifted his weight from one leg to the other. Zoro's silence weighted like a ton of bricks being unloaded over his head. Sanji didn't even know why he was striving so much for normality, it had never been something he'd ever wanted to achieve. He'd always searched for the complete opposite.
"So…" Zoro started, but Sanji still stared down at the floor "We're a couple now?"
The blood froze in Sanji's veins, quickly draining from his face and ears. Had he fucked up, already? God, why did it have to be so complicated?
"I…" Sanji began, eyes shooting up to meet Zoro's again "We…" he kept his mouth open but no sound would come out, not even a breath.
Zoro shook his head, smirk stretching his lips as he grabbed a fistful of Sanji's faux fur in order to tug him closer.
"We can do whatever you want." Zoro said in a low, warm voice that coursed through Sanji like electricity "But we're eating Japanese, and not that weird French cuisine you always babble about."
It was like a switch had been turned on inside of Sanji, and all his body was fueled with outrage "How dare you insult French cuisine, you uncultured swine!"
Zoro bursted out in a loud laugh before wrapping his arms around Sanji and pressing his lips to the side of his head "I missed getting on your nerves, too."
Sanji shook his head softly, rolling his eyes "I'm pretty sure you'll do a great job at that, and you'll regret it soon."
Zoro kept laughing like the giant bag of dicks that he was, and Sanji couldn't help but smirk softly, as he was wrapped in his embrace. He leaned into the hug, calm spreading through him once again as he felt Zoro's warmth against him, and the bubbling of his laughter in his chest.
"Sanji! Sanji, are you still out here?"
A feminine voice called out to Sanji, and for some reason both he and Zoro felt compelled to exchange a worried glance.
"Sanji, Eustass is–" Nami appeared right outside the backdoor, eyes the size of the moon as she stared at the couple, utterly baffled.
Zoro and Sanji gawked at her in return, while they were still wrapped up together.
"What the f…" Nami whispered.
To Be Continued...