Chapter Thirty-Nine
The day had been a weird one, not to mention a complete and fuzzy blur.
The first thing he did remember clearly was Parker staring at him and it had been then that he really grasped that he was back in the hospital. After that he hadn't payed much mind to anything as things became a mix of doctors and drugs, nurses and nightmares.
Now though he was trying to find a way to rest as his body told him to sleep but his mind told him to get up and go.
He wasn't sure how long ago the nurse had left but Parker hadn't returned so he figured it safe to assume she called it a night which also meant he was alone.
Once upon a time it would have been welcome, he would have searched for that solitude.. but now, he searched for Nate.
They had been through a lot together, both as team members and in their relationship.
The ups were just as high as the downs were low and through it all Nate had been a constant.
He always managed to show when it absolutely and truly mattered and there was no doubt about that because just as it started to creep up he walked through the door squashing it all.
The first thing he noticed was Nate's hair and it had him smiling, it was different but it was good.
"Eliot," Nate's smile had vanished and with it his own.
He knew that tone, it was as distinctive as his moods and he knew nothing good was going to come from it. "we're done."
Immediately he wanted to excuse himself, claim to have heard wrong, but he knew he hadn't.
"This is about the other night isn't it?" He had done wrong and he knew it and maybe he should have seen this coming but he hadn't.
"This is about you Eliot." He was about to ruffle feathers but it was too late to back track. "You're losing control."
"It was a mistake Nate." He tried to catch Nate's eyes with his own to show his sincerity but he was met with a cold gaze.
Either Nate didn't care as much as he thought or he was blocking emotion but neither mattered as his exhaustion began turning to anger. "You're just done? I don't get a second chance?"
"A second chance wont fix things. What we ne-"
"It wont fix things!" Eliot snatched the words from Nate's mouth as he straightened himself up in the bed. "I mess up once and I don't get a chance to make things right? I've already let you have three and you're a cheating alcoholic!"
"Maybe I am," That was low and it hurt. "but at least you know exactly what you're dealing with. I can't even see what I'm up against."
"I don't know what you're talking about." Now he saw what this was, Nate was digging.
"Yes you do.
Just like you know the golden rule is to know your enemy.
If I can't do that than how do I do anything?
The only option I have right now is to retreat."
"So that's it?
I show my cards or you're gone?" As if his head hadn't already been hurting.
"What happens next time Eliot?" His voice was stern and just raised enough to get his point across.
"There wont be a next time." There shouldn't have been a first and even if it meant never sleeping again he'd make sure there were no repeats.
"Eventually there will be because you wont let me in." Nate finally sat feeling as if this was going to be an actual conversation and not wanting Eliot to feel towered over.
"I don't let you in?" Disbelief was clear.
Had the man not met his entire family?
"You'll share memories, you've spoken about your past, but never have you opened those doors."
"And you have?"
"I've never closed them." Most of the time he wondered if things wouldn't be better off if he just tried blocking all of that out but he realized it was much like a dirty room. Even if he closed the door the mess would still be there but if he left it open he'd eventually get the motivation to clean it and then there'd be no reason to shut it up because once again it would be inhabitable.
"No I don't talk about things and no I don't like them mentioned but you've never asked either.
That's all you ever had to do.
You might get anger, hurt, pain, maybe even regret but you'd get an answer to your question.
You don't do that Eliot.
You tuck all that away and then you speak as if you're reading someone elses biography."
"So all of this is because I'm not sharing my feelings?" He couldn't help but laugh at it. "I didn't know it was that time of the month Nate."
"You can't deflect me and being an ass wont work either." This was too important to let himself be baited.
"I can't believe you right now, ...this is a load." His hand came up to rub at a brow both to gain focus and search for some understanding.
"Eliot"
"NO!
It's just what you want when you want it or that's the end!
What gives you that right?
Who says you get to make the rules!"
"And who says I have to just stick by and watch you fall apart!
That I have to keep my mouth shut when I wake up in the middle of the night to find you crying!
When did it become okay for me not to care about you hurting?" He watched as Eliot went into a different mind set, a more protective one, and it bothered him that Eliot felt like he needed to protect himself, that he was feeling attacked.
"When did it become okay for you to use our relationship as leverage?" His knee near screamed as he pulled his legs closer to his body but he wasn't about to leave himself stretched out and unguarded at a time like this. "Cause I know you wont leave."
"If you know that then you know I wont stay." He leaned in further, Eliot was not going to distance himself from the situation. "I can't care if you don't. I can't pretend like nothing's going on while you lose yourself. If that's how it's going to be than I'm gone, I wont leave but it's luck of the draw which Nate you end up with." He shook his head the slightest as Eliot stared at him, not bothering to blink. "Cause it wont be me."
He couldn't do anything other than listen as Nate spoke like he'd been sentenced to death.
This was his fault.
He had allowed Nate to get closer than he ever should have and now he was screwed.
Did he push Nate away before he had the chance to distance himself or did he tell him and watch as he distanced himself anyway?
"You don't know what you're asking for."
"Then tell me."
Nate was looking as expectant as ever but he couldn't bring himself to answer, instead he offered a question of his own. "How did you feel when Sam died?"
The silence that followed was no greater than five minutes but it had point proven. "That's what I thought. If you wanna leave than go but don't be a hypocrite."
Nate stood, he actually stood and it pissed him off. "Go'n then, Go!"
The farthest Nate went was to sit across from him on the bed; his tone was near non existant for how sharp Eliot's had been. "Like I'd die too. I wanted to die," He had to push back the hate that crept up with his next thoughts. "but I wanted to kill that bastard more."
"And how do you feel now?" He knew it wasn't right to push but it took the focus off of him.
"Guilty.
He was the only good I ever did with my life and still they took his away." Speaking of his son hurt like hell but if he was going to freely it would be with Eliot.
Everyone else just spoke of forgiveness and moving on but not Eliot.
He wouldn't do that.
No, he'd be right there helping him tell them what to do with that line of bull.
"I'm seeing days that he never will.
Doing things that he can't.
I'm gettin' another shot at being happy yet he had to spend his last days in misery.
That pisses me off!" With a deep breath he did his best to put all of that away as he steered his attention back to Eliot. "Now I'm losing you because I don't know how to help and that pisses me off too."
"I promise I'm gonna deal with it Nate... please just let it be." With any other person he'd have sent them away, he would have gotten up and left himself, but he couldn't bring himself to do that with Nate.
He had actually begun showing Nate who he really was and as much as he wanted to scream at him that it was none of his business he found himself looking for compassion instead.
"I wish I could but I can't." His eyes were as sympathetic as Eliot's were pleading.
"Please don't ask me." A voice that used to be a welcome, a comfort, was now taunting and terrorizing him and vaguely he wondered if it was loud enough for Nate to hear.
"Who is she?" After all of his collecting and gathering; especially after Eliot's latest fit there was no doubt in his mind that their latest troubles centered around a woman.
"God I wish I could hate you." He couldn't bring himself to sit any longer as he grabbed his IV pole and moved to the window.
Eleven years he had kept his mouth shut, eleven years of keeping things to himself because that's where they belonged and he was going to tell Nate solely because he asked.
"Who's Itza?" Sure he had finally figured a name but what good was that without a story to go behind it.
"Maritza" It felt like the name set his tongue on fire.
"That's a pretty name." Eliot was propped against the built in storage with his back to the window but he took a minute to actually look out as he joined him.
Conversations like these were supposed to happen on wet and dreary days not with a sunset that looked like it was stolen from an Indian summer.
"Most beautiful girl in the world." His voice may have shaken but it didn't do damage to the smile that appeared. "Those eyes were so bright they'd put any sapphire to shame."
"Were?" His question seemed to break through a distant memory and with it shattered the glint in Eliot's eye.
"Orders are easy.
You do what you're told and it's as simple as that." His words were even but the undertones were clear.
"After 13 years of having to figure out what to do with just about everything I loved not having to worry about the day, no matter what it was always planned out for me."
"What did you mean were Eliot?" He knew how Eliot felt about being a soldier and he knew by the somber tone that they were building up to a pit fall.
"I had served over five years before I made that trip back home.
I worked with a lot of good men and we did do good." Nate watched as Eliot moved over to the recliner, it was almost as if he was trying to remind himself of that and it was devastating to hear.
In the silence he removed his jacket and settled into a side chair as he watched Eliot struggle with where to pick up. "Like brothers they were..." The words were faint but fond. "a home away from home."
"Did something happen?"
"I don't know.
I lost contact after I took my leave and after that I didn't bother looking back."
"Your commander's op." He nodded his head as he filled in what Eliot had supplied him with, it felt like an eternity ago.
"That was supposed to be cut and dry." The laugh, if you could call it that, was short and humorless. "It was about as much so as the men he got for it but like a good ole mutt I was loyal and stayed by his side."
"You said a lot of things went wrong? I take it you meant from the very beginning." He didn't want to sound as if he was puzzle searching but he kind of was. It was just the way his brain worked.
"Three men went to scout, two for the actual job and one for look out.
We threw ideas back and forth and spent about a week making sure everything had been covered before we had our game plan." Even now he could feel the discomfort that had been nagging at him.
He had chocked it up to inexperience at the time but now he easily recognized it as signs of a double cross. "Somewhere along the line I must have drawn short straw cause I got stuck as bait... but I went with it... they'd have my back."
The subtle gritting of Eliot's teeth had Nate realizing this was probably why that distinctive 'I work alone' came to be. "All I had to do was raise a little cane in the west, I had about a dozen guys watchin' out for me on the North and South east sides. I'd bring 'em to the front they'd take 'em from the back."
"Basic distraction tactic." He just knew Eliot was about to explain otherwise.
"Kid stuff" Eliot agreed knowing that Nate was thinking of the times they had pulled similar crap and how it could have possibly gone wrong for him. "Only there was two guys waitin' for me."
"What happened?" He watched as mixes of hurt and hate, anger and betrayal, flashed through Eliot's eyes but that was as far as he was letting it go.
"They jumped me of course.
With one good blow to my head things were finished before they even started." A million times over he had wondered if he could have done something to change that.
"So you were taken captive?" Eliot obviously wasn't dead and in a situation like that the only other logical conclusion he was coming to was a hostage situation.
He shook his head silently as his subconscious pulled him closer to that night. "I woke up I don't even know how many hours later feeling like the living dead and wondering why I wasn't. My left eye was swollen shut and I could barely get off the ground but I recognized it as the same place I'd gone down. They had left me there."
"They just left you?" Nate spoke suspiciously. "No warning or threats, nothing... and what about your group?"
"Gone.
My head was a bloody mess, the rest of me matched pretty well, and I got no doubt that they kept beatin' me long after I went down.
I looked..
I stumbled around that whole damn place searchin' for bodies or bullets, just anything at all that would tell me what had gone down.
I made it all the way over to where my guys should have been figuring that they had gotten ambushed too and found nothin'."
"Why would either side of that mess leave you stranded?" That didn't sound rational for anyones planning or strategizing.
"Best I came up with was my guys saw what happened and took off to regroup, and them... they left me to die.
It's a near sport out there.. you beat a guy until he's out for the count and then you leave him to the animals.
Wolves, coyotes, big ass cats, you better hope that those bastards did enough damage that you die before you get the chance to be eatin' alive." It had been months before he could look at those kind of animals without wondering if he would've been in its belly.
"Thankfully you woke up when you did." Eliot had his good knee bouncing anxiously and Nate moved over to still it with a gentle hand. Above all his wonder and questions he wanted Eliot to know what mattered the most was that he was there to tell about it.
"It really didn't do me much good.
I was miles away from anything with barely any energy and even less hope, staggering around like a fool just trying to make it somewhere. I fell more than anything but I kept on goin' cause it was the only choice I had.
The farther I went the worse it got.
I could barely see, was dizzy as hell, and kept on losing my footing but still I went.."
It was funny how he remembered these things so clearly.
Even the chill of that night which had been a huge contrast to the blistering hot day. "until I couldn't. I tripped and that was it, everything went out on me.
I tried and tried but my body was done, it wasn't taking any more punishment and it didn't care what I had to say about it.
I was gonna die in the damn dirt because my feet failed me and that's the last thing I remember thinking before I lost it and passed out."
Nate was staring but honestly he couldn't bring himself to care.
He had regretted going on that op mere hours after he got there, the men horrid and the conditions worse, but for the tiniest of seconds it had opened a window to something he never would have dreamed for himself.
"She found you didn't she?" It was the most logical reasoning as Nate listened to what he now recognized as the tale of a modern day war romance. It couldn't be questioned or summed, he'd simply have to sit through the story and let it be told.
"I woke up in heaven and sittin' right there by my side was an angel." His eyes lit with her mention though it didn't stop his lip from quivering and his voice cracking. "She saved me."
"Eliot what happened to her?" The skin under his hand was clammy with remnants of fever and he wasn't sure how much more Eliot could take. In no way would he consider Eliot fragile but he was already looking beyond drained.
"I was in a bad way.." The look he gave Nate was nothing less than hard. He had wanted to hear it so now he'd better listen. "her situation wasn't any better but she went out and made sure word got around that a dead American had been found in the fields.
She made sure it'd be safe while I stayed with her and just as soon as I could I returned the favor."
His thoughts went to that tiny one room home and how happy they had been despite the conditions. "After I healed up a good bit and made sure no one was coming for me I called it quits, got a job in a little bakery, and moved her to a decent house."
"Why didn't you leave?" He watched as Eliot opened his mouth to speak but soon closed it as his face scrunched.
He bit his lip but it didn't stop it from quivering nor did the deep breaths he took.
Nate knew his words had been an extreme trigger as despite Eliot's best effort to prevent them tears fell. "I wan-"
His voice cracked which only served to anger him.
He didn't need to be crying, tears wouldn't help anyone now. "I was going to bring her here, get discharged properly and start up a life, but she wouldn't go. So instead I called home and let 'em know it might be awhile before they saw me again and I.."
Nate wiped a tear away which inadvertently brought more. "I put a ring on her finger." A hand reached for his own in the semi darkness but he pulled it away, he couldn't stand the thought of comfort and contact right now.
"She started planning the wedding.
It was gonna be in the same church she was baptized in.
There was these damn purple flowers she had her heart set on and I started picking up odd ball jobs to make sure she'd get 'em... that and a decent wedding band." There was probably a jeweler out there wondering why he stopped making payments with only a handful left. "It was on one of those jobs that I found out things weren't safe no more."
Eliot had been planning a wedding?
Nate didn't even know what to think right now let alone feel.
The more he listened the more he heard and it just left him wanting to cover his ears.
He had wanted to know but he wished he could have known without knowing because he knew where this was going and as much as he vainly hoped it would end happily it was obvious it would be tragic.
"I got home just as quick as I could but no matter what I said she wasn't listenin' and she sure as hell wasn't leavin'. So I went for help." He had left her and that was something he'd never forgive himself for. "They didn't care about the threat I was trying to report back at base, just the charges that would be brought against me if my explanation for where I'd been all them months wasn't good enough."
He had been one of those raised to believe in the system, yes sir and all but when he needed it it had fallen through. "It was a good six hours before I got back and by then... it was too late." Eliot dropped his head into waiting hands but Nate pulled them away when he started forcefully tugging at his hair.
"Eliot don't." He was trying to take that anger out on himself and he was going to end up getting hurt. "It wasn't your fault."
"WASN'T MY FAULT!
You Don't Know What They Did To Her!"
He had been shoved away quite roughly but that didn't matter as he joined Eliot at his reclaimed spot by the window. "So tell me."
"A pretty girl like that Nate?
Use your imagination." His words were wet and watery and Nate felt sorry.
Eliot sounded so raw that he wasn't leaving much to imagine and it was clear he was remembering clear as day from a vivid memory.
"They used her like a whore! They to-" He all but choked on the word as anger and sorrow bubbled into his throat.
He had promised to take care of her, she had trusted him, and he had failed her.
His shoulders shook in self hate as tears fell disgustedly, and all because he hadn't been a man of his word. " ... I was sittin' there holdin' her.. and how bad is it that she.." It was something he just couldn't put to words. " ... I was covered in her blood just prayin', like it would be some kind of reprive..." His huff was depreciative as he stared into eyes that were near confused. "prayin' that damn bullet had killed her long before those bastards touched her. Like it actually made a difference."
"I'm sorry." He wasn't sure if he was apologizing for the situation or for asking but this was an amazing insight.
"I told you what you wanted to hear.. I don't need your pity." His words were meant to be hard but a stupid sniffle broke the illusion.
"It's sympathy Eliot." Suddenly a lot of things were falling into place, including that incoherent conversation in the bathrooms meaning.
"Call it whatever you like." He rubbed his hands harshly across his face to rid it of the emotion before grabbing that dang pole and moving to the bed. For all he cared Nate could go to hell right now, he was going to lie down and wallow in his freshly stirred misery.
"You told Jimmy you were a monster but that's the story of a broken man." He had yet to uncover the base of the rage that had Eliot at his throat and that's what had him prying as he sat on the edge of the bed.
"Ain't you had enough yet?" Eliot wasn't sure how much more he'd be able to take out before it became impossible to put it away again.
"What did you do?" He was feeling a great amount of Eliot's hurt but he strongly believed that it would help him to drop some of the weight of such a heavy burden.
Blowing out an exasperated breath Eliot took a minute to remind himself it was useless to hold back this little bit after everything he had shared. "Life moves on. I was a soldier she was a casualty, that's just how the game's played. Only I finally stopped to read the rules and it turns out things ain't that black and white."
That was something they didn't let you know before you joined up. "I had lost everything and they expected me to just keep on like nothing.. and I did cause it was either that or prison but my heart was missing. So I went after it. One of the guys in my new platoon said he knew what had happened to my girl, and better yet he knew where to find the guys that did it."
All of the times Eliot had spoken on killing men, on the damage it did to the soul, on what it had done to him, even Aaron's questioning on what had happened to Eliot during the service, it was all ringing loud and clear through his ears. "You went after them."
"By the time I got there they had split up but I found one of 'em.
He called himself Rafa and he was cocky as hell.
No shame, no denial, he dared to brag about what he did to her and I let him.
I let him talk; just long enough to tell me how many of them there were and then I cut that nasty tongue right out of his mouth."
Nate wouldn't say Eliot sounded pleased but he wasn't hearing regret and there really was no doubt in his mind that Eliot would go out and repeat those actions tomorrow if necessary which kind of unnerved him.
"I spent every free second I had from then on tracking.
I volunteered for any job that would get me closer to any kind of hint, help, or clue and that's when I met Andrew.
I'd found four of them on my own, the fifth was why I ended up in the desert, but my leads were startin' to turn drier than the sand.
Andrew helped that way.
He got me the names of a few guys, including his Uncle, that were willing to give a good amount if you'd do them a favor without questioning it.
I did them a job they'd get me the location of the guy I was looking for or at least the name of a person who knew it.
Word gets around quick that you'll do just about anything for that information, or that the rate will be half the usual price if you have a tip that proves useful."He knew first hand what seeking revenge did to a person and hopefully now Nate would know why he was so dead set against him going after it.
"It wasn't long before I was telling the service where to go, they hadn't helped me and I was through helping them.
This new life got me out of the grunt work but the longer I continued my search the dirtier the jobs got and with 'em my hands." Nate sympathetically took one of the hands Eliot was staring at with disgust into his own.
"Three years and eighteen men.
The guys I worked for during that time were shady and their bosses even shadier but I got every man even associated with the bastards that touched her.
All except one.. he's how I crossed paths with Damien.
Apparently Simon was a good friend but I stuck around and showed him how I could be better, more useful.
Damien pushed it too.
The things he asked me to do... they'd.." Usually he'd be first to ask but they had already been at this crossroads, that and Nate wasn't sure if he wanted to know about it if Eliot was having so much trouble admitting to it when he just proclaimed slicing someones tongue out there mouth. "but it had been worth it at the time. It got me to Simon.
See everyone thinks I was a goon in those early days.
That I hadn't refined my skills and that's why I left bodies everywhere but I can tell you exactly how many I left." He could see the gears turning in Nate's mind, just the same as he could feel the hate that flowed through his heart with their mention.
"Nineteen." And he was looking forward to seeing every one of them burning in hell. "Nineteen of 'em." He didn't care who had done what because he knew just the same as they did that they were guilty.
"They came into my house, trashed it, put their dirty ass hands on my woman, had left her displayed on the couch in a bloody and torn dress..." By now a sensored light had kicked on and Nate got to see the tears that matched the angry words. "So I returned the favor. I displayed them like the slaughter pigs they were and I'd do it again in a heart beat."
"Did it help?" He didn't want to sound curious but he was really interested in knowing if all that death had somehow helped Eliot to feel better or to start the process of moving on.
"I got my heart back.. but it was full of hate and contempt.
I killed all those men to avenge her but in the process I killed myself.
You see Rafa had been first but that next spot in line had my name written all over it." He had done a few questionable things during his time with the service but they had been for his country and he was proud of that. Well he had been proud of it until he tarnished those good deeds with blood and anger.
"No," The hurt, pain, and self loathing he heard brought back memories with quite similar emotions.
Never before had he seen so many connections between them, especially not as clearly as he was now. "maybe you hid so you could cope, lost yourself along the way but you didn't die."
Eliot seemed too lost in his own thoughts to care what Nate was saying but it didn't matter as he slithered up behind him in the bed to share more. "I've seen that man. He's working his ass off to right his wrongs and if you ask me he's doing a damn good job of it. I know he's not dead because I've seen him, I know him and Eliot... he's waiting for you to find him. He wants out."
He knew what Nate was talking about.
Those days when he could just forget were a blessing, a breath of fresh air, but they never lasted.
If it wasn't one thing it was another and he knew it wouldn't go away.
Nate simply settled more on the bed as he started sorting through thoughts of his own.
He took his time to put answers with his questions and the more he filled in his format the more emotional he got.
With all the hurt and horror he'd heard he was ready to shed a few tears himself.
This wasn't a pain he had ever wanted Eliot to feel and though there was no way possible he still wished he could take it upon himself somehow.
"She used to do that."bNate had started carding his fingers through his hair and it reminded him of the nights he and Itza used to stay up talking.
"I didn't know." The action had been absent and he pulled his hand away as soon as Eliot mentioned it.
That explained his attitude on the gesture now he was just left to hope he hadn't caused any damage.
"It's alright." After a minute or so of hesitance Nate continued the gesture and he went back to wondering about his life.
He'd gone from watching out for his siblings to watching out for his country.
From having nothing less than a full heart to becoming heartless.
He'd say the last 30 years had been nothing less than a tangled mess and unfortunately that life was his to claim.
"What do you think would have happened if that hadn't?" Now he understood the situation with Aimee.
She had been a companion but Maritza had been a rock when Eliot had been left on his own and after her death there was no questioning why Eliot hadn't gone back.
Croatia didn't matter any more, nor did what happened between Eliot and the Butcher of Kiev, hell he didn't even care about the damn monkey.
No.. this conversation had Nate realizing that none of those situations or where they fit mattered.
All that mattered was the man Eliot was because of them, the person he'd become.
"Maritza was as stubborn as a mule..." He didn't talk about her.
The closest he had come was a discussion of missed opportunities with his Bubby but even she had thought he was speaking of Aimee and that's how he kept it.
See he believed a mans lies should be just as honest as his truths and that explanations should be simple.
How a person chose to interpret his words was up to them and he wasn't going to bother correcting the assumption if it proved to be wrong. "but I think eventually I'd have convinced her to come back with me. We probably would have gone and settled out by my grandparents' old place."
"You think you would've had kids?" The better question would have been how many they'd of had but Nate was left thinking he shouldn't of asked it as Eliot turned to him with newly glistening eyes.
"She.." It was a simple question.
There had been different points in his life where he thought about having kids of his own, especially when Sarah started nagging. Hell even on those crazy days when he found himself surrounded by them he would start thinking that maybe he would adopt a few, but it was just that, a thought.
Just like Maritza that card had been snatched from the hand he was dealt. "She was four months."
E/N: Was it worth the wait?
Cuz it's only like three times the size of a normal chapter!
So hopefully this answered all the questions and if not it's probably still to come. (Ask if you're not sure)
Also you really shouldn't think we'll be seeing smooth sailing from now on out because well it's me... that should be enough said but at least they didn't break up.
I absolutely NEVER thought I'd have such a long story but we're at over 100 THOUSAND words and I don't even see the end yet and it's all because of you guys!
I love this thing and each and every one of you that have shown interest in it! (Strange Music it was nice hearing from you again:)
Thanks for reading!