You guys are fantastic. Over 1900 views! Thank you so much for all the support!
So, like I mentioned in my author's note at the end of the previous chapter, this is a birthday present for one of my best friends. Happy birthday, Chelsea! It's been real, man, and we totally need to go do some more murder of budgies hangout stuff sometime. At any rate, hope you had an amazing day!
Warning: this chapter will be dark. Very dark, in fact: Tarsus, abuse, flashback, tons of angst and hurt!Jim.
7. Pure
Bones heaves a sigh and flips open the folder containing all of his previous psychological evaluation information.
"All right. Let's get through this blasted thing. It should only take about an hour, Jim, and then you can go back up to the Bridge.
His expression lightens considerably at the news.
His best friend mutters to himself as he begins filling out the mandatory psych eval forms: "Right. So, name, James Tiberius Kirk... Age, twenty-eight..."
Jim gratefully accepts the preparation time Bones is giving him. He closes his eyes, takes a shuddering breath, then exhales. Rinse and repeat.
This continues for some time before Bones finishes filling out the required paperwork. Of course, what expedites the process is having his best friend as his personal physician.
"I'm warning you right now, Jim - you're not gonna like these questions." The doctor's tone is almost apologetic as Jim reluctantly meets his gaze.
"Fine." Jim exhales one last time, stretches, then sighs. "Just... get through it. Please."
Bones opens his mouth to ask the first question, but is cut off by the insistent beeping of his comm. The surgeon frowns and grumbles, "I told them not to bother me when I was seeing a patient unless -"
His face pales as he reads the message. "Dang it, Jim, the evaluation will have to wait," he says hurriedly while gathering up his essential medical equipment. "Prepare biobed 6 for emergency surgery. We've got a patient coming in with symptoms of that blasted Ilyvian disease the natives told us about during our last away mission," he shouts into the comm as he rushes out of his office.
Jim leaves shortly after, watching as Bones and Chapel efficiently set up the biobed station. M'Benga then arrives, quickly wheeling in the already unconscious patient.
Lieutenant Mary Hathark, one of the prodigies in the Communications department. At Uhura's request, her protégée had gotten valuable experience by acting as translator in her place during the last away mission.
"She'll be all right, Captain."
He jumps, having been lost in thought over that away mission.
"Dr. Marcus. My apologies, I didn't see you there." He chuckles and rubs the back of his neck nervously.
"Quite all right, Captain." She pauses, as if deciding whether to continue speaking or not. "I take it your psychological evaluation has, yet again, been postponed."
"Not of my own doing this time, Dr. Marcus," he replies ruefully. "I hope I'd never stoop so low as to get someone else sick to delay my own psych eval."
An awkward silence falls between them for several moments before she speaks again.
"He won't have time to finish it until tomorrow at best, you do realize," she remarks in a detached way.
Jim runs a hand through his hair. Now that he's purposely resurrected the ghosts of his past, he won't be able to just waltz through the rest of the day. (Not that he would have been able to anyway, considering what happened during breakfast.)
"Can you do it?"
His voice is so low and vulnerable-sounding that she almost doesn't believe that he spoke those words at first.
"Well, psychology was my undergraduate minor," she replies hesitantly.
He nods several times. More silence stretches between them.
Then, "Will you do it?"
Jim doesn't turn his gaze toward her, but she now knows that if they leave the psych eval for another day, he'll (for this day at least) succumb to the horrors from his past. She sees it in the dejected slump of his shoulders and the faraway look in his normally in-the-moment blue eyes; she hears it in the naked vulnerability in his normally strong, confident Captain's voice.
"All right," she agrees quietly. "Since you're obviously more comfortable in Dr. McCoy's office, and since you started the evaluation in there, why don't we just continue it there as well?"
A relieved expression crosses Jim's face for a split second before disappearing behind his mask.
They get settled in - well, as settled in as he can be when he knows he's about to reveal the deepest, darkest secrets of his past to someone who's not Chris or Bones - and she glances through the forms Bones already filled out.
She nods, satisfied that the Admiralty will accept them, then glances down at the list of questions. She doesn't say anything when she realizes that they're "customized" to his past, which Jim will eternally be grateful to her for.
"Captain, this first question will be almost like a stream of consciousness exercise. After I ask it, you are to appropriately respond in as many ways as you can in thirty seconds. Are you ready to begin?" she asks quietly.
He grips the armrests of the chair tightly. "Ready as I'll ever be," he says, smiling grimly at her.
"What do you think of when someone mentions the date January 4th?"
"Tragedy," he automatically responds. "Sacrifice. Honor. The Kelvin. Chris's dissertation. The day I lost both my parents. Nero, who later also destroyed an entire planet without remorse. Nero, the reason why I never knew my father and why Winona-" He grits his teeth. "Why Winona was never a mother to me. Another year gone. Another year captaining this ship. Another year I've lived longer than him. A day perpetually doomed to mourning and loss. The ultimate sacrifice for the sake of loved ones. Leadership in the face of de-"
"Time," she says quietly.
He barely registers the fact that she spoke. He's already breathing heavily, trying not to dwell too much on his memories of the final recorded moments on the Kelvin.
She patiently lets him calm down - he sends a grateful glance her way more than once - and, after finishing her notes, only continues after he nods that he's ready.
"The next part is word association. I will say one word; simply respond automatically with the first word that comes to mind." She glances back down at the list. "Ready?"
He nods, though the faraway look is back in his eyes.
"Starfleet."
"Bureaucracy."
"Glass."
"Broken."
"Authority."
"Corrupt."
"JT."
"Desperate."
"Woman."
"Man."
"Captain."
"Ship."
"Family."
"Crew."
"Chris."
"Father."
"Enterprise."
"Home."
She quickly scribbles some more things down, then checks to make sure he's doing all right.
"The final part of the evaluation is a series of open-ended questions. You may take as much time and respond in as many ways as you wish for each question. Are you ready?"
He smiles humorlessly. "Just want to get this over with, Doctor."
She nods solemnly. "Very well. The first question is as follows: Who were you fifteen years ago?"
He closes his eyes. Of course the bastards would put that question in.
When he opens them again, he no longer sees Bones' organized office or Dr. Marcus's worried expression. His stomach drops when he sees the fresh loaf of bread just out of reach and tantalizing him.
He licks his dry lips and strains against the bindings chaining him to the wall.
Suddenly, the jail cell door grates open, and he enters. The bastard who's behind this grand scheme, the son of a gun who thinks he'll finally break the infamous JT.
"What's this?" the governor exclaims in mock indignation. "You dare refuse my hospitality by spurning this fresh, perfectly good bread?" He shakes his head. "And after all I've done for you, son."
"I - am not - your son!" he grinds out, shaking in anger and humiliation.
The governor turns cold black eyes on him. "Remember who provided you with state-of-the-art education, hot meals, and luxurious lodging for two years, boy. Without me, you would still be nothing but the forgotten son of George Kirk. An outcast, a social reject who will never live up to his father's standards."
Then the governor smirks and a cold sweat breaks out on JT's back, even though the cell is sweltering hot.
"Though you have indeed set a record, JT. I can think of only three men who have massacred more than 5,000 innocents at one time."
A sob breaks through his mask. The instant it escapes his mouth, he knows he's made a mistake. A huge, unfathomably serious mistake.
"Oh, does poor little Jimmy regret what he did? Does he want a way to forget it all, at least for a few hours?"
"N-no," he stammers. "I - I need to remember!"
Kodos gives him an almost pitying look as he unhooks the leather whip from the wall. "Oh, but little Jimmy, Father Kodos says yes. After all, we can't have you crying for the whole world to hear, now can we?"
He grits his teeth. "Whole world? Are you mad? HALF OF THIS ENTIRE COLONY IS NOW DEAD!"
There's a dangerous glint in the governor's eyes now as he raises the whip. "All thanks to you, dear little Jimmy. Without you, my plan never would have succeeded. But now, the better members of society are preserved, and the food problem is resolved. Now the only thing left is for you to tell me where those other children are hi -"
JT glares at him. "Never."
Kodos brings the whip down, hard. Try as he might, JT can't hold back a scream as he arches his back, trying desperately to lessen the pain. A second lash now. Another scream. A third lash. Scream. Lash. Scream. Lash. Scream.
The whipping continues until the angry red welts completely cover his torso. In a pain-filled haze, he hears, seemingly from miles away, the governor warn him that the daily whippings will continue for as long as he remains silent on the whereabouts about the others - about his kids. Black encroaches on his field of vision even as he mutely tries to blink it away.
Kodos was right about him being an outcast, a failure of a son, but there was one thing he was completely, totally wrong about.
No matter the price, whatever the cost, he would never, ever tell the bastard where his kids were hiding. He would endure the whipping for months if it meant his kids were kept safe.
"You won' win, 'Odos," he slurs. "I won' le' you. No' now, no' ever..."
And then the black claims his as its prize.
Someone's arms are wrapped around him. He desperately latches on to this link to reality, the one thing keeping him from returning to his nightmarish memories.
His anchor is murmuring soft, sweet words into his hair. They're comforting, and they calm him down slightly.
Then he recognizes the voice. His eyes widen and he scrabbles away desperately.
"Get away from me!" he cries, panicked because for some reason he can't let his past and hideous self corrupt her and -
But she grabs onto his leg, and tears are now cascading down both of their faces.
"No! I - I know it's selfish but I want to know you, I want to stay with my Captain! I want all of us to love, and understand each other more than we did the previous day, and - and I want us to be a family! Laughing, crying, hurting, healing - whatever the case may be - all together! I - I -"
Whatever she was about to say, Jim lets her go no further. He's heard enough.
"Carol. Carol," he cries, bringing her into a tight embrace that gives both of them the comfort they need. And eventually, he breaks down and tells from the beginning. How he was sent there as punishment for wrecking his uncle's car, how he had the time of his life until the food began running out, how he designed and researched as the governor's unwitting guinea pig, how he realized everything when the execution order was given, how he led his kids and protected them from the bastard, the awful things he did to ensure their safety...
And through it all, she is there, a balm for his scars of old, a cleanser for his heart and soul and mind, his rock and anchor of support.
After fifteen years, he has finally been cleansed of the horrors of Tarsus IV. He will always remember, always respect, but never again allow those memories to control him.
She has done the impossible. She has purified him.
That was even more intense than the first one. Geez. Ok I'm like hyperventilating right now. Chelsea, I hope you liked it. Man.
By the way, this has two scenes that reference other widely known works. One references another awesome movie, and the second references a famous anime/manga series. Virtual cookies to anyone who gets the references.
So what did you guys think of this one?