~C~
After she'd left Aubrey in the dressing room at the semi-finals, Chloe had gone searching for Benji to see if he'd managed to catch up with Beca. He only shook his head, his attention focused on the stage as the Trebles performed. Chloe found Stacie, Lilly and Denise nearby and recruited them into helping her search for Beca.
By the time the Trebles were announced the winners that night – along with the Footnotes – they still hadn't found her and all her stuff was still piled alongside Chloe's in their dressing area. Panic was just beginning to make serious headway as it scratched at the back of her mind when Stacie appeared.
"Lilly found her out front and texted me but…" Stacie met Chloe's eyes. "I got there as she left with a group of girls from one of her classes."
Chloe stared at her, the words refusing to make sense. "What?"
"She's left without us, Chlo." Stacie squeezed her arm. "But I recognized some of the girls. She's heading home. She'll be fine."
The words still didn't feel real. "She left?"
"Yeah." Stacie rubbed her arm gently. "But she's safe. I promise that I wouldn't have let her get in the car if I didn't know who she was getting in it with."
Chloe faltered. "But… She left her stuff."
"I know. Let's go pack it up, yeah?" Stacie took Chloe's hand. "Bring it home for her?"
Chloe let herself be led to where their gear was and mechanically packed up her own belongings. As it slowly sunk in that Beca had left them, Chloe turned and put Beca's gear away carefully. Stacking them with hers, she let her hands trail over Beca's coat as she placed it on top.
Aubrey had finally re-joined them, her face pale and lips trembling, but Chloe didn't have it in her at that moment to ask if she was okay. It was obvious that Aubrey had finally thrown up, but in the wake of Beca walking away from them – from her – everything else seemed distant.
The Trebles were loud and boisterous as they led the way back to the bus, passing the trophy back and forth between them. The Bellas all filed on after them, somber and quiet. Even Amy didn't say much as she took the seat next to Bumper at the back.
Chloe found herself sitting beside Aubrey and across from Jesse who looked as miserable as she felt. She briefly thought about apologizing to him for Aubrey dragging him into their mess but the thought faded almost as quickly as it appeared; lost under the weight of the fact that Beca wasn't sitting beside her.
Several times she felt Aubrey take a deep breath as if she was going to say something, but then only let it out in a deep sigh. Chloe was thankful because she really wasn't ready to deal with Aubrey yet. She thought she would need several drinks and a good night's sleep before she was ready for that. Not that she thought she'd be getting anything you could call 'good sleep' until she talked to Beca. Until she could explain that after that first instant of surprise, she thought what Beca had tried had worked. That she should have said it immediately and long before Aubrey tore everything apart.
Before leaving the city, Donald drove to a gas station where they purchased a five gallon gas can and filled it. When they reached their abandoned van – miraculously still in the same spot – the transfer from one vehicle to another was made quickly as Jesse silently took the can and added it to their bus.
Amy drove to the next town, which hadn't been all that far away, and filled the tank without incident. The drive back was spent in silence, each girl lost in their own thoughts. Chloe was sitting the front seat Beca had sat in, trying to recapture the closeness they'd had only hours ago and wondering how it could have all gone so wrong so fast.
The silence was only broken when Stacie asked Amy to stop by Beca's dorm. "We need to drop off her stuff. Chloe? Do you want to go with me?"
She did and she didn't, but the two of them carried Beca's stuff upstairs. Chloe braced herself as they knocked but the door was opened by a glaring Kimmy Jin. "She's not here."
"I know." Stacie held up the bag she held. "She caught a ride home with someone else. We said we'd bring her stuff back."
As Kimmy Jin opened the door and stepped back, Chloe bit the inside of her cheek, willing herself not to give in to the panic that had never really faded. 'Beca is fine. Stacie said she recognized the group she was with. Maybe they just stopped for food somewhere.' She placed Beca's phone on top of the pile.
"Thanks." Stacie ushered Chloe toward the door. "Appreciate it."
As the door shut behind them, a small choked sob slipped free as they started down the hall. Stacie immediately stopped and put her arms around Chloe. "She's fine." She squeezed tightly. "Just being her old pissed off self and blowing off steam. You guys will sit down and talk it out and everything will be fine."
Resting her head on Stacie's shoulder, Chloe sniffed and forced back her tears. "I hope so."
Stacie stepped back again. "And if not, it's not like we don't know where she lives." She leaned forward and stage whispered. "And have someone who can get the door open if she gets too stubborn."
Chloe half smiled but it fell away as quickly as it came. "Thanks, Stace."
As they got back on the bus to make the drive to the Bella house, Chloe had started texting her apology to Beca. It wasn't how she wanted, it felt somehow pushy, but she couldn't just wait until she saw Beca face to face; which she was afraid wouldn't happen if she waited for Beca to contact her first.
Plus she still had to deal with Aubrey.
But when they got back, Aubrey went up to her room and locked the door. Chloe felt guilty when she realized she was somewhat grateful, unsure if she could handle another fight at that moment. After a few minutes of staring at the ceiling as she lay in bed, Chloe heard Aubrey come out and walk into the bathroom. As the shower turned on, Chloe's phone chimed from where she'd tossed it on the bed.
She grabbed for it, her heart spiking in reaction, but it wasn't Beca.
Stacie:
I texted Beca to let me know when she got home and looked at her phone. She just did and I told her I'd let everyone know. Don't worry, Red. You guys will work it out.
Chloe:
Thanks, Stacie. You've been a really good friend tonight.
Stacie:
Don't tell anyone, I've got a reputation to protect. Try and get some sleep, Chloe. I'm sure it'll all work out. You guys are good together.
She let her arm drop, trying not to read too much into the fact that Beca had texted Stacie and not her. Except how could she not? After everything that had been building these last few months, was this it? Were they over?
Her phone buzzed in her hand and she jumped.
Beca:
I'm home. I need some time to think. I can't promise anything right now.
Chloe couldn't hold back the tears anymore and they rolled down her cheeks as she answered.
Chloe:
Thanks for letting me know. I won't push, but I really hope you'll say yes.
She waited, but there was no return text. Chloe rolled over and curled into herself, her phone pressed against her stomach, as she let herself cry. She cried for herself, at the fear of losing one, if not two, of the most important people in her life. For Beca, who Chloe had betrayed by not speaking up for her when she needed it most. Even for Aubrey, would never be able to escape the weight of last year's ICCA finals as well as thinking that Chloe had betrayed their friendship by talking behind her back.
When Aubrey finished her shower, Chloe pulled herself up to take her own, needing to wash the day from her before she collapsed back into bed and tried to sleep.
/
The next morning she was at the center island, staring down into her coffee, when Aubrey came in. She hesitated in the doorway and for a moment Chloe thought she might leave.
"Coffee is fresh." Chloe offered neutrally without looking. She'd spent the night tossing and turning, her emotions bouncing between misery and anger. She felt worse when she checked her phone and found no new messages and barely restrained herself from texting Beca. She had promised she wouldn't push but the need to reach out was driving her crazy.
"Thanks." Aubrey said carefully as she stepped into the room. Once she had her coffee she took the seat across from Chloe.
Taking a breath, Chloe looked up and blinked in shock. In all the years they had known each other, the number of times she had seen Aubrey looking less than perfect could be counted on one hand. This morning her cheeks were pale, her eyes were bloodshot and the bruised looking skin under them showed her night was just as fruitful as Chloe's own had been. She didn't think she'd actually ever seen Aubrey look worse.
Chloe bit down her normal instinct to ask if Aubrey was okay. Not only was the answer obviously 'no' but Chloe was still angry at her. She just wasn't sure how to untangle her anger at the way Aubrey had lashed out from the anger she felt on Beca's behalf.
"I'm sorry I thought you were talking behind my back." Aubrey offered. "I have no good excuse for thinking you were. I do know better than that." She took a deep breath. "I know you would never let B… anyone… do it either."
"No, I wouldn't." Chloe agreed, ignoring the stutter over Beca's name. "The fact that, even for a second, you think that I could –" Chloe trailed off. "Hurts."
"I know." Aubrey sighed. "It's just… The way she said it... The way she seemed to grin." Aubrey looked down at her coffee. "Like it… Like I… Was a joke between you." Her voice dropped to almost a whisper. "As if you guys said it all the time."
"Aubrey." Chloe chided.
"I know!" Aubrey looked up again, tears at the corners of her eyes. "I know." She repeated. "It just… brought up every insecurity I ever had. All at once. Even the ones I had buried." Aubrey traced her finger along the edge of her mug. "All the ones I felt when I would walk into this kitchen and Alice would stop mid-sentence and exchange a look with whoever she was talking to." Chloe opened her mouth, but Aubrey kept going. "Then, when I left, they would… laugh."
Chloe frowned. "I didn't realize she'd done that too you too." She shook her head. "But that almost makes it worse. Because that means you think I could do to you what Alice had done for all those years." The thought stung. "That I could be anything like her – That Beca would…. That I could lo- like someone who was anything like that?" Chloe ignored the startled look that Aubrey gave her at the word she almost used. "I would never do anything like that to you because I know what it's like."
"I know." Aubrey admitted. "I'm sorry." She sighed. "I understand if you can't forgive me. But I am sorry. I was wrong." She stretched her hand out on the counter between them. "I'll tell you that every day until you forgive me, if I have to."
Chloe stared at her hand, sorting out her feelings. It was so hard to separate the different layers of anger in her. "You deliberately tried to hurt me and Beca." She forced herself to say Beca's name without any special emphasis. "And it worked, but not in the way you thought."
"I know she'd never cheat on you." Aubrey said immediately, pulling her hand back to cradle her mug. "I do. I also know that any time she spent with him was spent watching movies. It was a stupid, childish thing I did and I'll apologize to her for it."
Chloe knew it wasn't going to be easy. Aubrey had landed on the one thing that Chloe could say with absolute certainty was something Beca would never do. Not after the small things Beca had shared about her family and her father leaving. While Beca had only told her the basics – her father left her mother for another woman – Chloe had sensed there was a lot more under the surface. She had thought they had more time to get to know each other better before she asked and began to unravel the layers around Beca's heart. Now she just hoped she could see Beca one more time.
"You need to." Chloe finally said. "I don't know how she'll react, but you have to at least try."
"I will. I'll text her later." Aubrey looked back down and took a drink from her mug. "I don't think she'd take a call from me."
"Probably not." Chloe agreed, wondering if Beca would even take one from her. "But the text is a good start." She twisted her mug in her hands. "It's what I did last night."
Aubrey looked up again. "I didn't want to ask… After you went in the house, Stacie said that Beca wasn't home when you dropped off her stuff. Is…" She hesitated. "She okay? Stacie texted to say Beca got home alright last night, but…"
"Yes, she's home. But okay? I don't know." Chloe swallowed at the lump suddenly in her throat. "I asked her to see me before we leave at the end of the week. She said she'd think about it."
"I'm sorry." Aubrey looked back down at the counter.
"What are you sorry for, exactly?" Chloe felt her anger finally gaining a foothold over her sorrow. "Just for trying to hurt us? Anything else?"
Aubrey blinked. "For trying to hurt you, of course."
"So you're not sorry you attacked her in the first place?" Chloe pushed.
"She's the one who went off in the middle of our set." Aubrey's voice was starting to rise. "If she hadn't done that –"
Chloe cut her off. "You can't believe that we still would have won over the Footnotes with our routine."
"It got us to the finals last year!" Aubrey sat up. "It would have done it again."
"Aubrey, we only had the Trebles to worry about last year. There was no way we were going to beat the Footnotes too." Chloe shook her head. "It didn't sink in until after we were on the bus, but Beca was right. The audience had gone quiet. The judges looked bored. Until Beca sang 'Bulletproof.'"
"She had no right to make that decision." Aubrey insisted.
"It's not like she could stop in the middle of the damn set and ask you, Aubrey." Chloe said, exasperated. "She took a chance-"
"And it failed." Aubrey said, color coming back into her cheeks.
"You don't know that's why we lost." Chloe pushed back. "That could be why we came in third." She'd heard that's where they placed from Benji just before they left and she knew Aubrey still hadn't looked at the scoresheet he'd handed her. Chloe figured it didn't matter anymore.
Aubrey bit back whatever she was about to say and took a drink of her coffee to give herself time to think. "No." Chloe blinked at her. "I mean, you're right. I don't know either of those things. But I still think she shouldn't have done it."
Chloe's mouth dropped open and she stared at Aubrey. "Are you really that stubborn?"
To her surprise, Aubrey merely sighed and unknowingly echoed Chloe's thoughts. "It doesn't matter now, does it?"
"It does to me." Chloe said. "I supported you for so long – I stayed quiet even though I've thought for months that the girls maybe had a point in trying something new – that when it came down to having to give an opinion contrary to yours, I froze!" Aubrey recoiled from the anger in her voice. "Because I thought it meant I would have to choose between you!" Chloe blinked back the angry tears that stung her eyes. "I couldn't even look her in the eye, Aubrey. I let her stand there, alone, while you treated her like crap." Chloe pushed away from the counter and rinsed out her empty mug.
"Chloe…" Aubrey trailed off.
"Suddenly 'I'm sorry' doesn't feel big enough, does it?" Chloe said as she left the room.
She had just reached the couch when she barely heard the soft voice behind her. "Not even if it could win the ICCAs."
The honesty of it, and the pain in which Aubrey said it, was almost enough to pull Chloe back around. But she continued to her room, not quite ready to start forgiving.
To say that things had been awkward between them for the past week would be an understatement and now they were both getting ready to leave for Spring Break. Aubrey had already packed for her flight in a few hours and was watching as Chloe packed for her flight tomorrow.
"Aubrey, can you just give it a rest?" Chloe shoved another shirt into her suitcase. "I'd like to finish packing without bloodshed."
Aubrey sighed from where she was sitting at the end of Chloe's bed. "I'm sorry."
"I know." She didn't look at Aubrey though, just turned back to her dresser. They'd said those four words a lot to each other over the past week.
That first morning had been only one of many small discussions-slash-fights they'd had since the semi-finals. Aubrey remained intractable in her belief that Beca was wrong to layer another song over theirs but she was sorry for her part in Beca's silence for the past week.
Chloe, for her part, tried to separate her anger at Aubrey for driving Beca away – which she knew was never the intention – and her anger at Aubrey's inability to see Beca had just been trying to look out for the group. It was a strange place she found herself in because of it.
Chloe knew that Aubrey had been coming around to having Beca in Chloe's life – accepted it, even. She'd said as much that day Beca had run into her at practice and showed great remorse in being a large part of the reason that Beca remained distant this week; which is ultimately what allowed Chloe to half forgive Aubrey. She realized she couldn't, and didn't want to, throw away almost four years of friendship because of a single, albeit supremely fucked up, five minute span of time. Chloe also didn't think she could survive what she was afraid was coming if she cut Aubrey out of her life at the same time.
Things were still strained between them though; they practically tiptoed through their conversations as they tried to knit their torn edges back together. It was made worse when, at least once a day, Aubrey would get stuck in a loop where she would try and rehash that night. Chloe knew she was trying to work out her feelings and just hoped that one day Aubrey might see the other side of things. Until then it just exhausted her and she'd eventually just stopped responding, letting Aubrey ramble until she realized what she was doing and stopped.
They kept hearing Beca's music on the radio, a few songs here and there, and Aubrey always commented on how great it sounded. Yesterday Chloe had finally asked her, "Since you think she's got such a good ear, don't you think she maybe has a point about our set?" Aubrey's mouth had closed with an almost audible snap and Chloe thought that would be the end of it. Until today.
Chloe closed the dresser drawer and went over to her vanity, trying not to clench her jaw as Aubrey started up again.
"I just don't know why she felt she had to go rogue." Aubrey still sounded bewildered at even the mere thought of it. She'd been particularly vocal today, as if she were trying to pre-make up for not being able to talk it out with Chloe for the next week. "I just-"
Chloe finally snapped. "Aubrey, if you don't drop it, I'm going to give Stacie permission to use your room while you're at your parents on spring break." The stricken look on Aubrey's face almost immediately made Chloe feel bad, but damn it, she was pissed too. She took a deep breath and looked at Aubrey through her mirror. "I'm sorry. That was a horrible thing to say." It was also completely not true and not just for the fact that Stacie would be out of town too. Even in the middle of all this, Chloe would never hurt Aubrey that way.
Aubrey shook her head though Chloe could still see the hurt she'd caused. "I deserved it."
"No." Chloe sat down beside her. "You really didn't." She took Aubrey's hand and pulled it into her lap, lacing their fingers together. "But you can't keep bringing it up, Aubrey. It's too soon." She sighed. "And I can't ask her for you because she won't see me."
Aubrey squeezed her hand. "I know. I'm sorry. If I thought my apologizing again would do any good, I'd do it. But…"
"But she didn't answer your first one." Chloe finished for her. It hadn't surprised either of them that Beca had ignored Aubrey's text.
They sat silently for a bit, each lost in their own thoughts. They'd kept in touch with the other girls all week; Aubrey even apologized for her 'unprofessional outburst' when Chloe finally convinced them to come over so she could. While she refrained from complaining about Beca's alterations, she was completely sincere in her apology for her behavior. They had both agreed to keep some specifics – such as Aubrey lashing out at thinking Beca and Chloe had been talking about her – between them. That was a far more personal issue and Chloe didn't want to share all their dirty laundry. Even as hurt as she was by both of them, the last thing she wanted was for the rest of the girls to think less of Aubrey or Beca. Or herself, if she was going to be honest; she was not without blame at ending up in this circle of Hell they found themselves in.
But Beca had stayed away and didn't text unless it was in response to Chloe giving in to her own anxiety and texting first. Which she had allowed herself to do only twice.
The first time was Monday evening, a full two days after their performance. She'd simply texted Beca 'I hope your Monday wasn't too bad. Have a good night, Beca.' Beca took so long to respond that Chloe had already brushed her teeth and gotten into bed before her phone chimed. All she'd said was 'You too.'
The second time was yesterday, Thursday, after spending the entire week distracted and unable to concentrate in class. Stacie had seen Beca in the quad on the way from her music class, so Chloe at least knew she was still around and hadn't done something crazy like leave before the end of the year. Beca had taken even longer to respond to that one.
Chloe:
I leave early on Saturday for my parents. Would you be willing to meet me for coffee tomorrow night?
Beca:
I can't. I still need… time. But I hope you have a good visit with your parents. Maybe when you get back.
Chloe had bit her lip to keep the sob from escaping but she couldn't stop the tears.
Chloe:
Then I'll text you when I'm back.
She had debated on sending her next text but decided she didn't have too much more to lose at this point.
Chloe:
Good luck at the station, I'll be listening when I can. I miss you.
She hadn't expected a reply to that, but it still stung when there wasn't one.
What she hadn't told Beca, or even Aubrey, was that she'd made the decision to have node surgery while she was at home. With everything else going on, she didn't want to add any possible pressure by texting Beca with it beforehand and she didn't want to worry Aubrey when she was already spiraling at not moving on to finals. She'd explain it when she got back to school and on the mend. The doctors had told her that her voice would take a few weeks to get stronger, but since the season was over, she supposed that didn't matter anymore either.
Letting her memories slip away, Chloe played with Aubrey's fingers. "When is Stacie going to be here?" Stacie had offered to drive both Aubrey and Chloe to the airport a few weeks ago and had assured them that nothing had changed.
Aubrey checked her watch. "In about thirty. Should give us plenty of time to get to there."
Chloe stood up and pulled Aubrey after her. "Let's go make sure you packed everything on your checklist." She turned to the door but Aubrey tugged her to a halt.
"You're my best friend," she began. "I'm sorry for… everything… this year. But especially for everything I did that caused your problems with Beca. I never wanted that." Aubrey looked down at their joined hands. "Not once I saw how you were together."
"But you still don't think she's a Bella." Chloe stated.
"No." Aubrey said simply. "While I can admit that we got along outside of rehearsals, and I was maybe starting to like her… I never really felt like she wanted to be there. For you, yes. But never like the rest of them; never wanted to be a Bella." She sighed. "I don't want to fight anymore, Chlo." She squeezed their fingers together again. "I also don't think I can leave if you hate me."
The naked vulnerability in Aubrey's eyes tugged at Chloe's heart. "Oh Bree." She pulled Aubrey into her arms. "I don't hate you. I could never hate you." She wasn't lying either. It was Captain Posen that Chloe still had a problem with, a distinction she had spent all week determining. And since they didn't make it to the ICCAs that was thankfully someone she didn't have to deal with right now. They could work out the rest of it when they got back, but Aubrey would always be her best friend. She kissed the side of Aubrey's head. "We'll get past this."
Aubrey tightened her arms around Chloe's ribs. "I love you, Chloe. I'm sorry I've been stuck in a rut all week."
"Me too," Chloe couldn't help but say wryly as she pulled back to look her in the eyes. "I love you too, Bree."
One side of Aubrey's mouth twitched as she tried to smile. "Maybe the break will be good for me to get out of my head."
"Me too." Chloe almost told her about her surgery. Almost. "Now let's go get your bags and fix our make-up before Stacie gets here and accuses us of abusing each other."
Aubrey finally let out a watery laugh and let herself be led to her room.
Chloe refused to think about the fact that when Aubrey was gone, she still had a night alone in the house before she left in the morning. She wasn't looking forward to the silence and too much time to think without any distractions. Time to miss Beca and their talks or their comfortable silences; Beca's smirk and raised eyebrow; the soft feel of her skin and the fact that she let Chloe basically attach to her body wherever and whenever she felt like it on any given day.
Chloe was startled out of her thoughts when the front door opened downstairs. After they'd repaired the damage their tears had done to their makeup they had moved to Aubrey's room for one last scan of her checklist.
"Honey, I'm home." Stacie's voice sang up to them.
"We're up here, Stacie." Aubrey called as she zipped her suitcase up.
"Ooh, are you both in the bedroom? Be still my beating heart."
Chloe could hear the smile in Stacie's voice and rolled her eyes. "In your dreams," she called out, happy for the simple banter to distract her.
"Often." Stacie said as she appeared in the doorway; she winked when Aubrey spun to look at her. "Your chariot awaits."
Chloe looked down at the bag in Stacie's hand. "I thought your flight didn't leave until tomorrow?"
"It doesn't." Stacie shrugged. "But I thought I'd ask if I can crash in one of your empty rooms tonight, since I'm coming back in the morning anyway to drive us both back to the airport for our flights. If that's okay?"
"Sure." Chloe replied casually, as if she weren't suddenly overwhelmed with relief at not having to be alone in the house. "Grab any room you want. Sorry I didn't think of that myself."
"Does that mean I can sleep in Aubrey's?" Stacie asked innocently.
"No." Aubrey replied firmly.
"Um." Chloe's lips twisted as her brain nudged her. "Except I just remembered I took off all the sheets in the other rooms to do laundry tonight. To, uh. Stay busy." She had hoped the mindless activity would at least give her something to focus on.
"Oh." Aubrey turned back to her suitcase and opened the front flap as if she'd put something in it she needed, except Chloe knew it was empty.
"Ah, the couch is fine." Stacie said, dropping all of her coy flirting. "No big deal."
"You could share with-" Chloe started to say but to her surprise Aubrey cut her off.
"No… it's… That's fine. You can sleep in here tonight." Aubrey zipped the flap back up and turned around. "I'm sorry. It's just… Habit." She touched her throat where her Bella scarf was usually tied. "Sorry."
"Don't be sorry." Stacie shrugged. "Bedrooms can be a sacred place. I get it."
"It's fine, Stacie." Aubrey half smiled. "I promise."
Chloe was shocked that Aubrey had agreed to it at all; the only person Aubrey even let near her bed was Chloe. No one else was really even allowed in her room when she wasn't around, so for her to let Stacie sleep in it was a big step. Or, she thought as she hid a smile, Aubrey really didn't want Stacie to share Chloe's bed even though she knew nothing would happen.
Stacie pursed her lips, eyeing her narrowly, but nodded. "Thanks, Bree." She set her bag down on the red wooden table Aubrey had brought home from a garage sale their first year; she and Chloe had spent a few weekends cleaning it up and refinishing it. Every few months they moved it from one room to the other, 'sharing custody' as Chloe joked. They still hadn't figured out who got to take it with them when they graduated. Chloe pushed away the sudden panic that rose at the thought of graduation and focused on Aubrey who was still talking.
"You're taking us to the airport; the least I can do is let you sleep in my bed." Aubrey flushed faintly as she realized what she said.
Stacie opened her mouth and Chloe could already hear the innuendo filled comment that surely was about to follow, but all she said was, "No problem, Aubrey. It's not that far, really."
Chloe cleared her throat. "We'll order in some dinner when we get back, Stacie."
Stacie nodded. "Sounds good. I'll meet you guys downstairs."
"I'm all packed." Aubrey started to lift her bag from the bed but Stacie leaned past her to pick it up instead. "Oh, you don't…"
"I skipped the gym this week, let me pretend this counts." Stacie turned and left the room without another look back.
"Don't forget your carryon." Chloe grinned at Aubrey before she followed Stacie downstairs.
They may still have a lot to talk about, but Chloe knew she and Aubrey would work through it together.
Then she could work on Aubrey's refusal to admit her feelings for Stacie.
And, somewhere, somehow, she had to do whatever it took to get Beca to agree to see her before the end of the year.
"Aubrey!" Stacie called back up the stairs when Aubrey still hadn't joined them after a few minutes. "Get your cute little butt down here before you're late!"
~B~
For the next week Beca went through the steps of college life.
She woke up, she went to class, she did her homework and she went to sleep.
For the first half of the week she didn't even mix music, but finally the noise in her head drove her back to her laptop where she tried to drown her pain in driving beats.
All the girls had texted her through the week, asking her how she was, and she told each and every one of them that she was fine. She knew they didn't believe her, but that didn't matter. Without rehearsals her schedule didn't bring them together and they didn't need to know that she was barely eating.
She didn't know if she was relieved or disappointed that Chloe had respected her wish for space but Aubrey had texted an apology the day after the semi-finals.
Aubrey:
I'm sorry I said what I did about Jesse. I know you would never cheat on Chloe.
Aubrey:
I'm not proud of it, but when I thought you and Chloe had been talking behind my back all year it hurt. And I lashed out at you both.
Aubrey:
It… I… was wrong and I'm sorry, Beca. I really am.
Beca didn't bother to answer Aubrey, though she was surprised and grudgingly impressed that Aubrey would own up to doing anything wrong at all, much less apologize for it. It annoyed her as well, because it unintentionally brought a spotlight onto her own actions.
When Chloe hadn't been able to meet her eyes, had taken so long to stand up for her, Beca had lashed out in the same way. She even knew she was doing it at the time, but seeing it now, in the light of Aubrey's apology for doing the same thing, she felt small about it. She still felt Chloe chose Aubrey over her, but that didn't give Beca the right to be just as shitty.
It had barely registered at the time that Aubrey had accused her of cheating before Jesse was suddenly there. Had he not offered an immediate and better target for her anger, she might actually have launched herself at Aubrey once it had. Her father had cheated on her mother and left them for the other woman. The irony of that was that woman cheated on him and he left her too. Beca would never, ever, put anyone through that, much less someone like Chloe.
Chloe's texted explanation had made it easier to let that anger go, and even though Beca wasn't going to answer her, so did Aubrey's. It was a kneejerk verbal punch on both their parts that snowballed and grew bigger than, she thought, any of them intended. It was much easier to decide that those particular offenses cancelled each other out.
Which left her with Aubrey's inability to comprehend that any other way but hers might be valid and that Chloe had remained silent when Beca needed her most.
The real bitch of it was that the pain she felt from Chloe not speaking up, for not even being able to look Beca in the eyes as she stood in front of Aubrey's anger, was almost nothing compared to suddenly being without her. That pain cut deeper and sharper than she could have ever predicted and it was only because of the years she'd spent walling off her emotions that kept it from reaching her face each day. It was also the loneliest she had felt in years and she knew it was going to take time to replace the wall that Chloe slipped under and the rest of the Bellas – including Aubrey – had crashed through like a demolition team. She had let them in and now there were several large holes where pieces were missing.
But none were bigger than the Chloe shaped hole in her life.
Part of her had been hoping that Chloe would just show up and force Beca to talk to her until they'd worked through all the hurt feelings. But all she did was text once on Monday, like she was testing the waters, and again on Thursday, to see if Beca was ready to see her yet.
Chloe:
I leave early on Saturday for my parents. Would you be willing to meet me for coffee tomorrow night?
Beca had stared at the text for the longest time, trying to sort out her feelings. She knew she had fallen hard for Chloe, that wasn't in question any more. But she didn't know if she could forget the fact that Chloe had chosen Aubrey over her. Or maybe she was scared of the fact that part of her was ready to forgive Chloe already just to stop hurting all the time. Beca tried to refuse to let herself think of how much she missed the thousand looks, touches and hugs she would give and receive every day. She tried not to acknowledge the ache in her arms or heart because she knew if she did, she would run straight into Chloe's arms and never let go.
The practical side of her, snide and sounding kind of like the Aubrey in rehearsal, would remind her that Chloe was going to graduate in less than six months. What future did she really think they were going to have together when Chloe left? Was Beca really the kind of person that Chloe would want to have a long distance relationship with? Was Beca even willing to make that kind of commitment when her own goal was to move to LA at the end of the year? So what if she had started to think that maybe she would stay at Barden in the past few months; she felt like there would be too much pain if she tried it now.
And the rest of the girls – while she slowly was realizing that she did kind of love them in her own way – they weren't enough to make her stay.
Beca looked back down at her phone. She wanted to see Chloe so badly it terrified her. So she took the coward's way out and pushed her away.
Beca:
I can't. I still need… time. But I hope you have a good visit with your parents. Maybe when you get back.
Chloe:
Then I'll text you when I'm back.
Chloe:
Good luck at the station, I'll be listening when I can. I miss you.
Beca spent the rest of the night staring at her phone, wishing she had the strength to text back what her heart was screaming.
I miss you.
I need you.
I love you.
/
"Happy spring break."
Beca looked up automatically and turned around to see Kimmy Jin watching her. She waited a heartbeat for some sarcastic comment but nothing was forthcoming. "Thanks." She felt her lips form a half grin that fell away the second Kimmy Jin turned around and walked toward the door.
Looking around the room as the door shut, Beca tried not to think too much about what she must have been like for the past week. To have someone who was normally the roommate from hell sincerely, and borderline consoling, wish her a happy spring break said horrible things her general mental state. She also didn't want to think about what it meant that she briefly wished Kimmy Jin was leaving tomorrow on Sunday morning instead of this afternoon; at least then the room wouldn't be full of just her own silences.
She turned back to her laptop with a sigh. She'd spent all of Friday learning how to run the station equipment from Luke and the high from being the only freshman allowed in the booth had kept her going through her music library until late. She'd gone to bed with her head filled with possible playlists and ignoring the nudges from her heart to call a certain redhead. She'd slept late; part of her was half convinced she'd done it on purpose.
Chloe's flight had left two hours before.
So she'd dove back into her library, creating a playlist for each day next week. She was working Sunday through Friday, eleven at night to four in the morning. She had a list of commercials she needed to play with roughly the times they were scheduled, a few generic station intros she could use if she wasn't up to talking on air and the freedom to play almost whatever she wanted. She stayed up late, constantly changing and reworking her lists, trying to decide if each day should have a theme or if she should just play a mix of genres, until she finally fell asleep on her keyboard around three in the morning.
She woke late on Sunday, or early afternoon depending on how you looked at it, and worked on a few new mixes until it was time to head to the studio.
Walking across campus at night wasn't new; she'd done it several times after practice or instead of staying over at the Bella house. But the emptiness of it was different; with most of the students having left for break there just weren't a lot of people walking around. She kept an eye on her surroundings, her whistle and pepper spray handy, just in case, but she'd never felt threatened on campus before and didn't anticipate any problems tonight.
Beca let herself in with the key Luke gave her – after making her promise to give it back without making any copies of it, "I've been burned before" – and locked the door once she was through; tugging on it to make sure it had latched. It was strange to walk through the studio with only a few lights on and the low murmur of the pre-programmed music that was playing before her shift to keep her company.
But when she stepped into the booth and looked around, she only felt calm.
Everything else faded as she locked the door behind her, surveying what would be her world for the next six nights. This was the experience she had wanted when she first signed up to work at the station. It was something she knew she could do but hadn't been sure she would get the opportunity for, especially with the 'no freshmen' rule.
Dropping her backpack by the door, Beca made her way to the chair and sat down. She took a moment to revel in finally being able to be part of the music instead of just stacking the CD's other people used in their shifts. She picked up the headphones, the corners of her mouth turning up in a small smile as she put them on.
'This is where I belong,' she thought as she turned to one of the laptops.
The first night passed almost too quickly. It felt like she'd barely sat down and got started when suddenly the silent alert she'd set went off to remind her to put on the hour of pre-programmed music that ran before the morning crew got in. She checked the clock to make sure she hadn't set the alert wrong and was surprised to see that it was almost four.
She checked the length of her planned songs and made some adjustments so it would end just before she left. She had used most of the pre-recorded station slogans all night, but thought she was ready to sign off live.
As the last note faded, she cleared her throat and turned the mic on.
"You're listening to 95.7, WBUJ, music for the independent mind. My name is Mitchell and I hope the late night crowd has enjoyed listening to something a little bit different tonight. I'll be back Monday night at eleven with some new mixes. Until then… Happy Spring Break, Barden University."
She clicked the mic off and smiled as the programmed music took over.
"That was awesome." She whispered to herself as she took the headphones off and set them down. She ran her fingers along the edge of the desk and pushed back the chair so she could stand up.
Grabbing her bag, she left the booth, taking one last look around at all the room and already impatient to start her shift later that night.
She made her way back to her room, deciding against stopping anywhere for a quick meal in favor of crashing in her bed. She was both exhilarated and exhausted but thought that sleep would win out once she was in bed. She was right, the second her head hit the pillow she was out like a light. It was also the best sleep she'd had in over a week.
She woke up and grabbed her phone, still half asleep, and had typed out half a text to Chloe before she remembered that they weren't talking. Letter by letter she deleted it and let her hand drop to the bed as she stared at her ceiling. Her good mood faded as she realized she had no one to share it with.
'You could, if you just stop being stubborn,' a small voice told her.
She ignored it and got out of bed to go search for food. But it kept playing back in her mind. She hadn't even told anyone when she would be on. And she'd promised she would. Granted that was before everything had gone to hell and she still needed time to think about how she felt about Chloe… but the rest of the girls… They didn't deserve to be shut out, did they?
Beca mulled it over through her lunch, since she'd gotten up after noon, and decided to send the same generic text to almost everyone. She refused to let herself think of the two people she left off her list.
Beca:
Sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but I'm covering the radio Sun thru Fri, 11p-4a.
Almost immediately she started getting replies congratulating her again and saying they would tune in. She knew most of them were with their families, so she didn't really expect them to be able to stay up to listen, but the thought made her happy. Jessica, Lilly and Cynthia Rose had all caught last night's show, apparently still on campus and said her music was great and were looking forward to getting copies of her library.
Of course, that brought her back around to Chloe.
She'd been able to push everything to the back of her mind last night in all her excitement, but now… Beca sighed and took out her phone again. She brought up Chloe's messages and started typing.
Beca:
Had my first shift at the radio last night. I'm on 11-4 the rest of the week.
She sent it quickly, before she could add anything else. She wasn't ready to deal with her feelings yet. She knew she'd have to make a decision when Chloe came back – would she meet her or would she close that door forever. Her heart gave a painful thump in her chest then she glanced down as her phone vibrated in her hand.
Chloe:
I know how much this means to you and I'm so proud of you. I'll listen when I can.
Beca sighed as the waitress came over with her check. She couldn't decide if Chloe was giving her space with the lack of emotions in her text, or if she'd written Beca off already. Paying, she forced that thought away too until she was ready to deal with it.
Now she just had to keep from thinking about it for the rest of the day.
She'd just gotten back to her dorm when her phone buzzed again.
Stacie:
Hope you recorded it, B. I was out with one of my old friends from high school and we weren't near a computer to stream the station. I'm back on Wed, I'll text you when I get to campus, but I hope you'll meet me for coffee before your shift one night.
Beca chewed her lip as she thought. Stacie seemed like a safe person to have coffee with; they had always gotten along and she was pretty sure Stacie wasn't going to judge her for anything.
Beca:
I can do coffee. We'll figure out what time when you're back. Have a good time at home.
Stacie:
Glad you agreed. I'd have hated to have to show up at your dorm and pick the lock while you were still sleeping.
Beca let out a bark of laughter, realizing it was the first time she'd laughed since the Bella bus on the way to semi-finals.
/
That night she spotted a familiar title and pulled the CD from the rack. 'The Breakfast Club' cover stared at her and she remembered Jesse had brought the movie back with a promise to make her watch the whole thing one day. Until that whole jail thing happened and their friendship had gone downhill. She'd forgotten it was there and never gave it back.
When she got home, she felt restless instead of sleepy and searched her shelves until she found the movie. Sighing, expecting to be bored halfway through, she settled herself in bed with her laptop and headphones and started the movie.
What she didn't expect was to be straight up crying at almost six am on Tuesday morning when the movie ended. She lifted her hands to find tears rolling down her cheeks as she choked back sobs. She started to laugh at herself as she pulled off her headphones and wiped away her tears.
"Oh, my god." She blew out a breath and shook her head to try and clear it. "Okay." She wiped her nose and laughed again.
'If Jesse ever finds out about this, that happy asshole will never let me live it down.'
She wiped her face again and stared at her laptop before she got ready to sleep.
'Shit, I need to find more movies.'
/
When she woke later on Tuesday, Beca went to the campus library which had a movie selection. She sweet talked the guy at checkout into letting her have the entire stack she'd grabbed even though it was over double the amount they usually allowed out to any single person at one time.
At the end of her shift on Wednesday morning, she got a few hours of sleep before going out and grabbing supplies for the movie marathon she still couldn't believe she was going to have.
In the middle of working her way through the stack, her phone chimed for the second time that day. Stacie had already texted that she was back on campus and they'd arranged to meet Thursday night for coffee. 'Maybe she's free from whatever plans she had and wants to meet tonight instead,' Beca thought as she picked up her phone. She felt her heart stutter few times.
It was Chloe. Swallowing, she thumbed open the message.
Chloe:
I'll explain later, but the Bellas are back in the competition. Practice is Sunday at noon.
Beca paused the movie and stared at her phone, a small smile on her lips. Did this mean that Aubrey had forgiven her? Then she realized that if that were the case, that Aubrey probably would have texted Beca herself. 'Though,' Beca thought, 'I didn't respond to her apology text last weekend.' So maybe she would have had Chloe do it, thinking that Beca wouldn't answer her… or maybe Chloe was –
Beca shook her head again. Unless she was willing to text either Chloe or Aubrey to find out, anything she thought of was simply going to be spinning her wheels in the mud.
She checked to make sure she still had enough time to finish the movie before she started it again. As it played, it occurred to her that Stacie might be the perfect neutral party to bounce all this off of.
Feeling like there might be a break in the clouds for the first time in a week, Beca let herself be drawn back into 'Jaws.'
'Jesse was right about at least one other thing. This score is amazing.'
~B~
"Hey there, DJ."
Beca looked up as Stacie dropped gracefully into the seat across from her. "Hey." She looked her over. "Didn't you go home to California? Aren't you supposed to be tan?"
Stacie shrugged. "It's not like I spent a lot of time outdoors in the sun. I was mostly in a dark room the whole time."
"Oh." Beca looked down at her coffee and fidgeted until Stacie laughed. She knew Stacie had figured out that she was trying not to picture what sort of activities Stacie might have been up to when she grinned at Beca.
"Relax. I was helping my grandma go through her library. She's got hundreds of books but doesn't really know what they are anymore." She tore off a piece of the lemon bread she'd bought. "So we took inventory and then I felt compelled to organize it according to fiction and non, and then by genre."
"Of course you did." Beca grinned. "When we first met, I never took you for the book type."
"That'll teach you to judge a book by its cover." Stacie pointed a finger at her.
"I just assumed you were all about the boys." Beca took a sip of her coffee.
"Don't forget the girls." Stacie shrugged. "The hunter is an equal opportunist." She took a drink from her own cup. "I heard several of your shows. They were really good, B."
"Thanks." Beca shifted in her chair. "It's been a lot of fun and the experience will be great for when I get to LA soon."
Stacie frowned. "What do you mean 'soon'? Aren't you a freshman like me?"
Beca rolled her lips together; she'd forgotten she hadn't really told anyone about her plans to leave at the end of the year. "Yeah, but…" She took a breath and let it out slowly. "I only came here to make my dad happy." Stacie just twirled her finger for Beca to continue. "He nagged me until I agreed to come to college for a year. He thinks that I'll ma… stay." She hoped Stacie didn't notice the stumble in her words. She'd been about to say 'make friends and stay' but she didn't want to dive right into the drama.
But Stacie only asked, "Did it work?"
Beca sighed. "I don't know." She picked at her napkin. "I'd started to think so."
"Then everything went to shit two weeks ago." Stacie said, nodding. "And now?"
'Guess we're getting into it now anyway.' Beca sighed again. "I don't know." She dropped the napkin and drummed her fingers on the table. "I'm… stuck."
"Between?" Stacie raised her brows.
"A rock and a hard place," Beca muttered.
"You mean Aubrey and Chloe."
Beca made a face. "When you put it like that…"
"It sounds more appealing." Stacie winked when Beca looked up in surprise. "Kidding!" She tilted her head. "Mostly." She half laughed when Beca could only stare at her. "I'm sorry. I know that was some serious crap that happened after the semi-finals." She leaned forward and put her hand over Beca's, her green eyes practically radiating her apology. "I am really sorry, Beca, that I didn't stand up for you when Aubrey tore into you. You didn't deserve that and I should have said something."
Beca lifted one shoulder and let it drop. "It's fine." She looked down into her coffee to avoid Stacie's intense gaze..
"That's never the truth when people say it." Stacie squeezed her hand. "It would have hurt me if the positions were reversed. I've never been good with confrontation involving friends." She shook her head. "I've never really had a lot of people that I would call friends. I never really cared about anyone enough to stick around."
Beca looked up again. "I'd have never thought that. You're always out with people."
"Beca," Stacie said wryly as she let Beca's hand go. "Have you really ever seen me with or heard me talk about the same person more than twice?"
Beca took a drink of coffee, letting her mind play over the last few months. "No, I guess not."
Stacie shrugged and leaned back. "I prefer not to be tied down to any one person. Or, I suppose, I haven't found anyone who kept my interest for more than a date or two."
It was out before Beca could think that maybe it wasn't a path they should go down. "There's Aubrey." A flash of something flickered in Stacie's eyes but it was gone too fast for Beca to identify it.
"She's fun to tease." Stacie shrugged, but just a bit too casually in Beca's eyes. "Like you are."
Beca ignored the attempt at deflection. "Is it because she's held out for so long?" She leaned back. "Or is there something more?"
Stacie stared at Beca so long she began to squirm in her seat. "I'll be honest if you will."
Beca's mouth went dry. "I-"
"You can refuse to answer, but you can't lie." Stacie offered, raising her hand. At Beca's slow nod, Stacie took a breath. "It's probably a combination of both those things. I've at least usually gotten to second base with someone by now, but…" It was her turn to pick at her napkin. "Ever since Christmas…. There's something different about her. Something I don't understand. Yet." She broke off another piece of bread and popped it in her mouth.
Beca nodded. "I get that. It's like… There's two Aubreys, right?"
Stacie nodded. "Exactly. There's the borderline awful version at rehearsal, and the fun version at the house."
"Exactly!" Beca threw her hands up. "Thank you! I thought I was crazy!"
"You are," Stacie grinned at her. "But not about that. I'm not sure which one is the true version though."
"The fun one." Beca surprised herself by how quickly she said it. "That's the one that feels right, though kinda…"
"Smothered under a layer of uptight bitch?" Stacie asked with one eyebrow raised.
"That works," Beca laughed before she let it fade. "I liked that version," she admitted.
"Me too." They sat in silence for a few seconds before Stacie said, "Alright, your turn."
Beca braced herself, unsure exactly what was coming.
"Do you love Chloe?" Stacie watched her intently.
"Jesus, Stacie. Go right for the throat why don't you?" Beca felt her face grow warm.
She shrugged. "Why beat around the bush? Chloe says you haven't texted her for two weeks."
"I have too!" Beca blurted.
"In response to hers," Stacie pointed out. "Never on your own."
"I told her about the radio shifts!" Beca protested before muttering, "I didn't realize you guys talk."
"I took Aubrey to the airport Friday night and stayed at the house that night so I could drive Chloe and myself to the airport the next morning." Stacie took a drink. "It was the first time we'd spent a lot of time together. It was fun."
"And you guys talked about me?" Beca tried not to sound petulant but it creeped about the edges. She wondered if this was what Aubrey felt when she thought Beca and Chloe had been talking about her all year. She didn't like how it felt at all.
"Not really. We talked about a lot of things. Mostly, though, about the previous Bellas and this apparent utter whore – my words, not Chloe's – who was captain. Sounds like she was worse than Aubrey." She pursed her lips. "Which could explain a bit about this year, actually." Stacie shook her head, pressing her hand to the table between them. "Only… She said she missed you. Missed talking to you." She watched Beca carefully. "That she was afraid you were never going to talk to her again."
Beca swallowed back the lump in her throat. "Oh."
"You still haven't answered me though." Stacie said softly.
"Yes." The word slipped free before Beca could stop it. Even though it was the first time she'd admitted it out loud, she was surprised at how easy it was to say.
"What are you going to do?" Stacie asked.
Beca shook her head. "I don't know."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Stacie offered.
Beca thought about it as she reached to pull off a piece of bread and chewed it slowly. "No. I don't think that'd be right. If she didn't really talk about it with you, I don't think I should." She met Stacie's eyes. "I need to figure it out on my own and then talk to her about it."
"Sounds like a good start." Stacie smiled at her. "Except…" She hesitated.
"Except we're apparently back at practice on Sunday." Beca made a face. "I guess I better figure it out quick, huh?"
"Aubrey texted you?" Stacie said, surprised.
"No, Chloe." Beca bit her lip. "I was trying to figure out if that meant she did it for Aubrey or behind her back."
"That's…" Stacie lifted her cup in salute. "That's a very good question, DJ."
Beca grinned. "Is it lame that I like how that sounds?"
"A little." Stacie ducked as Beca threw her napkin at her. "Just kidding. Mostly." She grinned when Beca stuck out her tongue. "But I think playing your own music on the radio, even if it's just a college radio, qualifies you for the title."
"Thanks, Stace." Beca took a deep breath, feeling lighter. "This has helped."
"Yeah?" She smiled when Beca nodded. "I'm glad. Now tell me what you've been up to for the past two weeks."
Beca grinned. "You won't believe me."
Stacie leaned forward, elbows on the table. "Try me."
"I've been watching movies." Beca mirrored her pose.
"Bullshit!" Stacie exclaimed. "You hate movie night."
"Sometimes." Beca nodded. "But it's true."
"Tell me all about it." Stacie settled back in her chair. "Expect a quiz on each movie as proof, by the way."
"Hey, I promised you honesty." Beca stood up. "But lemme go get another coffee and some more bread. I seem to have eaten half of yours."
Stacie called after her, "Don't you even think about running away, DJ. I know where you live and your lock sucks."
Beca laughed as she got in line, feeling lighter than she had in weeks.
~B~
Beca yawned as she crawled into bed Sunday morning. She checked her messages one last time, not sure if she was relieved or disappointed that there was nothing since the day before.
Tim, the guy who was supposed to cover Saturday night, called her late Saturday afternoon claiming to be too sick to work that night. Beca was pretty sure he was still drunk from whatever his last party was.
When Chloe had texted to let Beca know she was back shortly after, Beca felt bad that she was grateful she had an excuse to put off their meeting one more day.
Chloe:
Just wanted to let you know I made it home safe.
Beca:
This is going to sound like a lie, but I've gotta cover one more night. I do want to talk to you, but I don't want to have to rush through it because I have to go to work.
Chloe had taken so long to respond that Beca had grown worried that she'd waited too long and fucked it all up.
Chloe:
You don't know how happy that makes me.
Chloe:
Not that we can't meet today, but that you want to at all. I hope, and I'm not pushing at all, but I really hope we… I… will still see you at rehearsal tomorrow. Maybe we can talk after.
Beca:
I don't know if I'm ready to deal with Aubrey yet, Chloe. But either way, after sounds good.
Chloe:
See you tomorrow then. Have a good shift tonight, Becs.
Beca:
Thanks. Have a good night, Chlo.
After reading their conversation one last time, Beca plugged in her phone and set it on the bookcase beside her as she yawned again. Tim had called so late that she hadn't been able to get a nap in before she started and she'd been up since the end of her last shift, trying to stay up to flip her schedule back to normal. She had to get some sleep and definitely before she tried to make a decision about rehearsals. Not that she had any idea what she was going to do or even what she wanted to do beyond one important fact.
She needed to see Chloe.
~B~
Beca knocked at the door of her dad's faculty house, still surprised that she was seeking out his advice. They hadn't exactly gotten along since he had left all those years ago and his inability to understand her dream drove her nuts. Except, she supposed, when you have nowhere left to turn, you're never too old to want your father's advice, even if you don't take it.
She'd woken up thirty minutes after rehearsal started and, at first, was relieved that the decision had been made for it. But then she pictured Chloe's disappointment when Beca didn't show up. Hell, she even pictured Stacie's disappointed face and thought that was patently unfair of her brain to throw at her when she was still groggy. And if Aubrey was the one who had actually invited her back… and she didn't show… As a disappointed Aubrey also flashed behind her closed eyes, Beca rolled over and groaned into her pillow before she forced herself to get up and shower.
Her first stop had been Jesse's.
The night before she realized she had to try to fix things with him before she could move on, in whatever direction that ended up being. To say that that had not gone well would be an understatement.
She had thought she knew what their fight was about – that she had been a complete bitch while he was just trying to be a friend AND she had attacked him for no reason at the semi-finals – but then he pulled out the big guns.
"Seriously? You think I'm mad because you yelled at me?"
Caught off guard, she fumbled for the right words. "No, I know…"
But he cut her off. "No, you don't. You think you know, but you don't." She could only stare at him while he continued. "You push away anyone who could possibly care about you. Why is that?"
His soft, hurt tone, edged with disappointment, pulled nothing but honesty from her. "I don't know."
"Well, you better figure it out because I'm done with…" He looked at her and shrugged. "Whatever this is."
"Jesse." She began, as he started to close the door.
"I'm done."
It hadn't been at all what she envisioned but, she supposed, it was probably what she deserved. Maybe she was just a horrible person who kept everyone away and should keep everyone away. Because maybe other people weren't the problem.
Maybe it was her and who better to tell you the unvarnished truth than your family.
Her father opened the door, surprised to see her there. "Beca."
"That's me." She plastered on a fake smile that fell as he stared at her. "Um, can I come in?"
"Oh!" He stepped back. "I'm sorry, I just… please." He closed the door behind her. "Um, I was about to make some tea, would you like some?"
"Sure." She took off her coat as they passed through the living room and draped it over the arm of the couch.
"You don't look like you just came by to say hi." He filled the kettle from the faucet.
"I don't?" She took a seat on one of the stools by the counter.
"Call it father's intuition." He smiled at her. "What's on your mind, Bec?"
"Promise you won't yell or judge till I'm done?" She regretted the way she said it the instant it was out of her mouth and even more so when she saw him flinch. "I'm sorry. Bad habits."
"It's… I get it." He set the kettle on the stove and turned it on. "But yes. I promise."
Beca took a deep breath and told him almost all of it. How she joined the Bellas. How she felt about the way Aubrey ran things. How things had blown up at the semi-finals. Everything except whatever was between her and Chloe. She would discuss that with no one else until she and Chloe had a chance to sit down.
"So they're at rehearsal, right now, and I overslept, so I figured why bother…" She finally stalled out when the kettle announced it was ready. "No one was more surprised than me, but… I really liked those girls."
He poured the boiling water into their cups. "And you thought quitting was the answer?"
'Well,' she thought, 'I wanted a real opinion.' But the Beca who answered was the daughter who was hurt when her father left. "Seriously? You can say that to me?"
He set the kettle in the sink and sat down in the stool opposite her. "Oh, come on, Bec. That's so unfair." The hurt in his voice snuck through her armor and she remained quiet as he watched her. "Look. Your mom and I, we didn't work. But I tried so hard to make things right between us."
He had, she reflected, as memories of birthday cards and invites to come stay the weekend or summer at his new house washed over her. Cards she'd taken the money out of and thrown away and invites she rarely took advantage of.
It hadn't mattered when he was no longer with the woman he'd left her mom for. It had only mattered that he'd remarried and, apparently, been able to remain faithful to Sheila when he couldn't with her mom. It wasn't until this moment that she admitted that maybe meant he had grown, that he and her mom weren't meant to be, and maybe none of it at all had ever had anything to do with her.
"But you just… you shut me out." He sounded like he had accepted it, but she could hear the hurt under it.
It was like Jesse all over again, but this time she had rebellious teen to fall back on, even if she was starting to view things differently. "Yeah, well, I shut everybody out. Don't take it personally." She shook her head. "It was just easier."
"It's also really lonely." He said simply, cutting to the heart of things without even realizing it.
She gave a soft, disbelieving laugh at what she was about to say. "What do I do?" She looked up at her father.
One corner of his mouth twitched up as he thought. "Well, that's up to you."
She twisted her mouth as it tried to smile. 'That's such a dad answer.' But he only grinned at her. The problem was she knew he wasn't wrong, that this decision had to be her own if it was going to mean anything.
But telling him the whole story had helped remind her of a few things.
While her father watched her patiently, willing to give her all the time she needed to work through it, Beca sat silently for a while. She ran the past few months through her mind again. She'd said the truth to her dad. It had constantly surprised her that she actually liked them pretty much from the start, even if she hadn't admitted it to herself until Christmas. They made her laugh and she had fun with them. All of them.
Sure, Aubrey had taken longer, but… she thought of Christmas again and a flour dusted nose. Aubrey could have done any number of things when Beca pulled out that trash bag of gifts. She could have made fun of Beca or channeled the condescending bitch from the Activities Fair. But instead, she had immediately offered to help Beca wrap her gifts and never once was she anything but kind. They had laughed the entire afternoon and that was one of the first times that Beca realized that Chloe could never been friends with anyone who was truly horrible at heart.
Last week, even with everything still unsettled between herself and Chloe, after her coffee with Stacie, Beca had gone to her shift with a smile on her face. While she had, without question, been happy playing her music for the past few days, after their talk it felt like she didn't have a lot of the other baggage hanging over her anymore. Stacie had helped her realize that she had to make a choice because avoiding it wasn't an option. She could either tell Chloe how she felt, and risk more heartache, or she could walk away and probably regret it forever.
She still had to talk with Chloe, but at least she finally realized that she did want to work it out. Laughing with Stacie had reminded her of all the relationships she'd built in the past six months and that she didn't want to throw any of them away.
Not even Aubrey, but that was an entirely different talk and one she freely admitted she was not looking forward to as much. It was also one she had to think about much sooner than she wanted, since the Bellas were apparently back. She was also surprised at just how much she wanted to be part of that, no matter what the outcome was. Assuming Aubrey would let her back in, of course. She still didn't think they would win against the Trebles, they hadn't yet with the set, but she realized she wanted to see this season through to the end.
And maybe, she grudgingly decided, that even though she absolutely did think they would have a better shot by mixing things up, she didn't have the right to storm in from day one and try to impose her will on those who thought differently. It absolutely killed her to admit it, but maybe if she had calmly gone to Aubrey from the beginning, or even asked if they could talk in private, things might have gone… smoother.
Her father was smiling at her when she looked up at him. "What?"
"You're smiling." He said simply. "I assume you've come to a decision then?"
She actually reached up and touched her mouth. 'Damn, he's right.'
"Guess I have." She stood up. "I hate to dump all my problems on you and leave, but…"
"What else are fathers for?" He rose to his feet. "Glad I could help."
Slowly she eased forward and wrapped her arms around him. "Thanks, Dad." She couldn't remember the last time she had initiated a hug between them and felt faint regret at being so distant. Though, she supposed as she felt him hug her back, she probably wouldn't have been ready until now.
"Anytime, Bec." He kissed the top of her head. "Maybe you'll come over for dinner soon?"
"I'd like that." She let him go and stepped back. "I'll call you."
"Hope you're able to work it out with the girl."
She'd started out of the kitchen before his choice of words sunk in. She spun around and stared at him. "Uh… what… why would…" She cleared her throat. "I mean, what?"
"I'm your father, Bec. Not blind or deaf." He grinned at her. "Your voice changes when you talk about Chloe. I mean, for a while it was between her and Aubrey, but you have a different smile when you talk about Chloe. That sealed it for me."
"Oh." She blinked at him, filing all that away to unpack later. "Are you… I mean…" Coming out to her father wasn't something she had expected out of today. She hadn't exactly been hiding it, but they had never discussed it.
"I just want you to be happy, Beca." He shrugged. "That's all I've ever wanted. I don't care how or with whom."
She blinked back the sting of tears. "I love you, Dad."
His own eyes were suspiciously glassy as he stepped over to hug her again. "I love you too, Bec."
~B~
Beca approached the auditorium and took a deep breath. Rehearsal had been going for over three hours and she didn't know how Aubrey was going to react when she walked in. Even if she had been the one to have Chloe text Beca, there was no telling how her tardiness would be accepted.
And if she hadn't intended Beca to join them, it could get ugly pretty quick.
As she opened the glass doors all she heard nothing but a lot of screaming and yelling… and was that… one of their whistles?
She ran through the open wooden doors and into utter chaos.