For as long as she could remember, Shepard felt the need to take a shower when she was too stressed out. Maybe it was the comfort of the warmth running down her skin, or how the constant streaming water drowned out any other sound around her. In any case, she was able to calm her thoughts, standing under the water as she closed her eyes. A regular, mundane routine distracted her just long enough from the issues outside of her bathroom.
The Normandy was on its way to the Omega-4 relay, to attempt to save the crew that had been gathered and taken by the Collectors. Joker was the only one left on the ship when Shepard and the rest of her squad mates came back. He explained that EDI was now an unshackled, completely independent AI, and there was a more than certain chance that the Cerberus crew was going to be killed by the Collectors as part of their human harvesting.
Considering how confident she was becoming about facing the alien threat, the realization that they had come so close to taking not only the crew, but everyone on the Normandy made her falter. She felt she pushed so hard against the threat on her race, and even she had to admit that it still wasn't good enough. The commander couldn't deny that she blamed herself for the crew's capture. Instinctually, she knew she should have left some of the squad on the ship while she went off-planet. Hell, she did that all the other times before … and her senses screamed at her to make Grunt, Jacob, Mordin, Jack, Miranda, somebody stay with the Normandy. If they had, maybe none of this would have happened.
Reluctantly turning the shower off, she stood in the stall for a long moment, feeling droplets travel down her back as they beaded at the end of her hair. In here, she could pretend she wasn't the captain of a ship that was responsible for saving human existence. She could be just a simple woman, not this regenerated commander who was meant to possibly rescue the galaxy as they knew it. Handling that kind of pressure was unusually bearable for Shepard most days, but even she was human. It all became too much. When in doubt, fake it. For now, she had to convince herself (and everyone else) that she could handle it.
There were no other options.
She took her time drying off, and then debated momentarily about putting on her casual clothes. More than anything, she wanted to slip into something comfortable, so she could curl up into a ball on her bed and just attempt to forget what was happening, at least for a little bit longer … No, she had to focus on what she needed to do.
Her casual clothes, she heaved a sigh and stepped through the doorway of her bathroom into the rest of her cabin. She focused on her desk chair, thinking about going through the schematics of the Normandy one more time. The upgrades that everyone offered had been installed, but she had—
"Hey," a deep voice said behind her.
His sub-harmonics immediately sent a shiver through her body. The commander tried her best to press down her surprise as she turned to look at the turian. Convincing Garrus to consider "blowing off steam" together was a moment where her actual confidence level was overshadowed by her ability to fake it. She was Commander Shepard, damn it. The Alliance soldier who was able to solve more disputes, end more battles, save more lives than most humans alive. Yet propositioning a turian man to sleep with her was by far the most terrifying (and probably idiotic) thing she had ever done.
In all honesty, she had no idea if his story about him and the female recon scout was a hint that he was interested or not, but in that moment, she decided she would try to see what would happen. After all, with Kasumi putting the idea in her head, she began to realize that she had the chance to feel something more for Garrus than just a battlefield partnership. Once accepting that she did have feelings for him, she debated with herself for even longer about what she was to do about it.
Helping him with Sidonis made her believe that he didn't need the distraction of his commanding officer admitting to having a crush on him. There were more important tasks at hand. But hearing him talk about turian preparations, she found herself using the most ridiculous "sultry" voice she had ever done (which she scolded herself about for months) to offer the idea to Garrus. Their conversations afterward reassured her a lot about the stupid idea she had. Garrus seemed more nervous about it than she did by the end of it, which truthfully made her a bit more confident.
Offering a physical relationship was the best she could convince herself to do for now. Previous history was proof enough that it was something Shepard could handle. She was able to shut off her emotions that way, to just enjoy the moment as it happened, then wake up the next morning and pretend it never happened. That would be enough for her.
Seeing him standing in her cabin, a bottle of wine in hand, looking physically nervous in his civilian clothes … she knew that she wouldn't be able to shut off those feelings.
"I brought wine," he explained, lifting up the bottle in his hand. "Best I could afford on a vigilante's salary."
The commander couldn't help smiling, leaning away from him and crossing her arms. Garrus smiled back before turning and heading over to her wall console without pause. His movements were rushed, almost clumsy in a very uncharacteristic way. It was natural for the turian to glide across the battlefield from cover to cover, his sniper rifle practically an extension of his body. But here, it seemed like his mind was getting ahead of his body; he was thinking too hard. A couple of taps on the console, and music began playing throughout Shepard's cabin. Garrus turned to look at her again, his arms spread out in an unusual "I'm not sure what to do with my body." gesture.
Shaking her head, Shepard walked over to him, pausing to stand in front of him. He tensed up as she came nearer.
"If you were a turian … I'd be complimenting your waist or flange," he blurted in a smooth voice. "So, um … your … hair looks … good. And your waist is … very supportive."
The woman tried to keep from laughing, though she couldn't fight the smile from her face. It was so strange to see Garrus at a loss. The idea of it instantly relaxed her. She was nervous, too, definitely, but knowing he was just as well helped her look past it. More than anything, with him there, attempting to be flirtatious and suave, she knew how much Garrus did care about her. At the end of the day, they both knew they needed this. Shepard was just glad to have someone she trusted whole-heartedly in front of her.
"Hopefully that's not offensive in human culture," Garrus went on, seeming to lose some of his forced confidence as she remained quiet. He looked away, shaking his head and groaning. "I knew I should've watched the vids—"
Shepard held up a hand, touching one of his mandibles with a smile. "Consider me seduced, smooth-talker," she joked. "Now shut up and stop worrying."
The music seemed too loud and distracting to her; she turned to shut it off.
Coming back to him, Garrus looked down to the ground once more, exasperated. "I—I just …" He sighed, not meeting her eyes. A sadness came to his voice as he went on. "I've seen so many things go wrong, Shepard. My work at C-Sec, what happened with Sidonis … I want something to go right …"
The turian finally met her eyes, and Shepard could see more than just nervousness there. Here was the moment that he was letting his guard down, finally exposing her to his own type of weakness. It was as if he was asking her to accept it, to be the one he could have complete faith in. Maybe he was even asking if she could do the same for him. That was when Shepard realized this was more than just a physical relationship … for both of them.
"Just once," he finished his thought, still searching her face. "Just—"
Shepard reached up and ran her hand gently down the bandaged side of his face, remembering the moment where she almost lost him. Now, more than ever, she hoped she would never have to experience that again. The turian leaned down his tall frame, gently pressing his forehead against her own, running his fingers up her arm.
Kissing his mouth plates caught both of them by surprise, but Garrus didn't shy away. He put his arms around her waist, feeling her body in timid touches, asking permission to continue. It was going to be slightly unusual for them, they had to adjust to each other's bodies and be conscious of one another. Shepard hadn't been with anybody for quite some time, so she was worried about her performance.
After a couple of minutes of rushed and clumsy actions, Garrus tried to move Shepard closer to the couches in a smooth motion, but caught his foot on the table. Shepard had her hands around his carapace, so she didn't even notice his lost footing until the turian man dropped on top of her on the couch. Her breath escaped her in a rush from the unexpected pressure. Garrus immediately pulled himself up and away from her.
"Are you all right?" he asked hurriedly. "I'm sorry I—"
He stopped when Shepard caught her breath and began laughing hysterically. She honestly didn't mean to; it just kind of happened. Garrus's eyebrow-plates shot up in surprise as she straightened up and held a hand to her mouth. Catching a hold of his hand before he could pull away, she laced her fingers with his, her middle and ring fingers between his two gloved ones.
"I'm fine," she giggled.
"Is that a normal human thing?" he questioned. "Laughing when your partner almost crushes you?"
Shepard shrugged with a grin. "Probably not."
"I suppose you're no normal human, then."
"Never have been." Pressing her lips against his mouth-plates again, she sighed. "I guess I'm more nervous than I thought."
Garrus chuckled. "Damn. And here I was hoping you had this whole thing figured out already."
She laughed again as her hand ran the length of his arm. "Hey, you have to work for it, Vakarian."
His mandibles flared before he bent down to rub them against the exposed skin of her neck. "Yes, ma'am."
The turian held her hand as they traveled down the elevator to the CIC deck. He became extremely concerned after Shepard's face began to swell up slightly, an allergic reaction that Mordin had warned her about. Despite the slight pain, Shepard didn't even try to hide her smile.
After they had laughed at themselves for a moment, the rest of their time in her cabin went surprisingly well. Save for a few scratches from Garrus's talons on her arms and legs, she was no worse for wear. Having the thicker skin, she was hardly able to leave traces of her own nails on his skin. Garrus laughed when she pointed it out, saying that she would just have to try harder neck time. Out of retaliation, she bit at the exposed skin of his neck, hence the reaction.
"Mordin is going to lecture you for at least an hour," Garrus shook his head.
"You challenged me," she answered. "I had no choice." She bumped her shoulder into him gently. "Besides, I could tell you were a fan of the gesture."
His rumbling chuckle sent shivers through her as he turned to her. "I was a fan of plenty of your gestures, Shepard."
He leaned down to kiss her right before the elevator doors opened, exposing them to the empty galaxy map area. Shepard's smile faltered as they stepped out. For a couple of hours, Garrus had helped her forget what they were up against. Now, it all came back to her with a wave of guilt. The turian squeezed her fingers in his hand, sensing her change in mood.
"I know how you feel," he sighed. "But we'll get them."
"We have to," Shepard answered sadly.
Pausing in front of the door to the lab, Garrus brought her hand to his mouth-plates, kissing her knuckles gently. A small smile came back to Shepard's face.
"Sure you don't want me to go in with you?" he asked.
"Oh, you want to hour-long lecture, too?" she joked.
"Of course not. Just trying to be courteous. It is half my fault, after all."
"I'll be all right. Thank you, though."
He kissed her hand once more. "Of course. So … provided we make it through our little suicide mission …"
Shepard went up to her tip-toes to kiss him. "I'll meet you in my cabin."
"Deal. Down to business?"
"Down to business. See you at the shuttle?"
"I'm right behind you, Shepard."
The commander nodded before kissing him once more. Garrus pulled away to make his way back to the elevator quietly. As he did so, she felt a strange twinge in her left arm, right below her elbow. She put her right hand to her left arm and squeezed, puzzled. Suddenly, it was difficult for her left fingers to bend. Just as quickly as the sensation came, it was gone. Mordin never mentioned strange feelings in the limbs with the reaction …
She opened the door to the lab, where the scientist salarian hummed to himself, focusing on the work at his table. His fingers worked fluently over a holographic keyboard as his humming intensified. Shepard stepped toward him before he finally turned his attention to her. He smiled, closing his eyes for a moment with a content sigh.
"No worries, Shepard," he said in his rapid voice. "Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong."
Before she could respond, the air around Mordin seemed to explode, engulfing him in red flames. Shepard tried to run to him, shouting out to him, but she couldn't make herself move. The ground shook around the two of them as she reached out, trying desperately to reach him. As another explosion made her ears ring violently, she fell backward, landing hard on a smooth metal floor, debris flying past her.
Biotics shot from her body instinctively, trying to defend herself from the blasts. Her body was on fire, pain beyond description racked her brain, freezing her in place. The young, yet metallic voice rang in her ears, echoing over the din of the explosions.
"The paths are open … but you have to choose."
She wasn't completely sure if it was the explosions she heard anymore … or the screams raking her throat.
A/N: I feel as if I've been apologizing way too much on this fic lately ... my update routine has been slipping terribly, and I have to say I'm sorry. I've been coming across some difficulty being satisfied with how everything sounds, so I have this vicious cycle of type-delete-retype-delete again going on lately. All the same, I hope you like the chapter, and thank you for being so patient for me while I update!